Difference between revisions of "Holes/Session 7"

A fragment of the Garden of Remembering
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<pre>
<screenplay>
Gaurav: Is this Thingy?
INT. Hughenden inn - morning
Apheori (GM): Yes.
 
Bear Soup Guy: Noodles!
The party congregates back in the main room of the inn downstairs. Four bowls of slightly less congealed porridge than the last time have been left out for them.
Apheori (GM): I'll be right back. I need to try hammering my foot.
 
Bear Soup Guy: Fair enough
Rhu is ever so slightly hungover, the way a delivery truck is ever so slightly heavy. In fact he looks a bit like death. Whereas Radek and the Gravedigger look perfectly normal.
Gaurav: ... wha?
 
Apheori (GM): Okay, I'm here.
Greibel stumbles groggily down the stairs and joins the others.
Frezak (GM): So you say.
 
Is Wen coming?
GREIBEL
Ganelon: Well, his character's dead.
Hero time...
I think he's just a watcher.
 
Gaurav: He's just resting.
RADEK
His character, not Wen.
Oh, you're awake.
Frezak (GM): He's just resting his eyes.
 
And his blood.
Greibel stares incredulously at Radek while taking a bong hit.
Apheori (GM): Yes.
 
That.
Amadi just randomly appeared behind Greibel.
Totally.
 
Bear Soup Guy: REST IN BLOOD
AMADI
\m/
That'll make you live, you know.
Apheori (GM): Yes/
 
The Gravedigger: REST IN HOLE.
GREIBEL
Apheori (GM): So where were we? Everyone but Radek sleeping?
Hmmm. Oh hey, it's the time lady.
Rhu tosses in his sleep. He mumbles something about cornflakes.
 
Gaurav: We were also leveling/leveled up to level 2, I think.
RHU
Apheori (GM): And you all have been blessed by the Holy Hazz'ridan... with sanity.
Time wha?
Apheori (GM) points and laughs.
 
Apheori (GM): Right, does everyone know how to level?
AMADI
DID YOU DO IT?
(looking around)
Frezak (GM): I did my levellings.
What? Where?
Bear Soup Guy: Oh dear, levels....
 
Apheori (GM): Do we care?
Frezak (GM): I'm levelled.
To the max.
of 2.
Apheori (GM): Are we doomed?
Gaurav: We were doomed a long time ago on a planet far, far away.
Apheori (GM): Can I assault you with mutants?
Bear Soup Guy: I have no idea how to level
Gaurav: Rhu is at level 2 and ready to go.
Bear Soup Guy: Please assault us with mutants though
Frezak (GM): Does Gan have Greibel's sheet?
Ganelon: I do.
Frezak (GM): Then throw some stuff on it and we can rock this city.
Willage.
Ganelon: Dude, I dunno how to build druids.
Frezak (GM): Just throw some random omnifunctional stuff and we can rework it properly later.
Gaurav: Skittering Sneak or Obscuring Mist might be useful as level 2 druid utilities go.
Ganelon: I dunno, Verdant Bounty sounds fun.
You can just point and BOOM PLANTS.
Gaurav: Feat: what about Ferocious Tiger Form?
Ganelon: It'll do for now.
Bear Soup Guy: BOOM PLANTS and tigers
Sounds excellent
Frezak (GM): brb
Gaurav: Tiger. Just the one. The one you turn into, that is.
Bear Soup Guy: Well
They add up to tigers after I do it over and over
They're just...tigers over time
Time-gers
Ganelon: Okay, done.
Apheori (GM): Sounds like something DJ Jesus would say.
Excellent.
Gaurav: DJ Jesus?
Bear Soup Guy: From Lucy?
Apheori (GM): Yes!
Ganelon: So he can make a burst 2 within 10 zone of overgrowth spring up from nowhere now.
Apheori (GM): Gaurav: Lucy, Daughter of the Devil.
Ganelon: That's 25 ft of plants.
Square feet.
Bear Soup Guy: That show was awesome
While it lasted, anyway
Apheori (GM): Yes.
And blimey.
Ganelon: The plants are very thick and suitable to hide in.
Bear Soup Guy: Oh my god awesome
I AM PLANT MAN
The dumbest of all Mega Man villans
Gaurav: It doesn't specify what kind of plant, does it?
Ganelon: Nope.
So obviously it's a narcotic.
Gaurav: Unless there are carnivorous plants in this universe ...
Apheori (GM): With Greibel involved, it surely is.
Of course there are.
Bear Soup Guy: Sprawling stalks of cannabis
Frezak (GM): You become a field of hemp?
Bear Soup Guy: :D
Frezak (GM): And then.. smoke yourself.
MAAAAAN.
Bear Soup Guy: There was some supervillain who grafted his head to just like, a ton of pot, in some comic
That is the end of that story
Gaurav imagines a tearful scene in which the only way we can Solve The Problem With The Holes is by altering our perception so that we can see our foes ... and Greibel must sacrifice himself so that we might toke.
Bear Soup Guy: XD
Gaurav: A *ton*? Dude was taking no chances.
Frezak (GM): THumbs up for that plan.
Gravy needs a lot of drugs for his body mass.
Apheori (GM): Okay.
Game?
Frezak (GM): Sure.
WE MISS YOU WEN.
Gaurav: Game!
Apheori (GM): Yes.
So everyone went to bed after lots of drinking. Shalott for the lost. Bit of a tradition. A welcome to your new grave.
IT'S HAPPENING.
Gaurav: He'll be back. You can't keep a good paladin down. Or trapped in alternate cheesy reality, as the case might be.
Apheori (GM): And Radek was probably doing stuff while drunk.
Ganelon: Yes.
I can get to that in the morning.
Apheori (GM): Well, it's morning.
Frezak (GM): MORNING
HELLO BIRDS
GIANT MUTANT BIRDS.
Gaurav: Is that OOC? Because Rhu might be ever so slightly hungover.
Bear Soup Guy: The way a delivery truck is ever so slightly heavy
Apheori (GM): Lessee...
Bear Soup Guy: Are we rolling hangover checks? :D
Apheori (GM): Dude, that would be hilarious.
But I don't know enough about hangovers.
Bear Soup Guy: Fair enough
(From Gaurav): if Hazz'ridan or any other god would like to possess passed-out Rhu to pass on a mysterious message to the group, now would be a good time!
Gaurav: hey, quick question: do I get to add a +1 to all my checks now that I'm at level 2 -- i.e. my CHA is 8, so mod is -1, does that become 0?
hungoverness sounds like a fortitude defense or some such to me
Frezak (GM): yep
All your D20s have +1 now.
It doesn't change your stat mod.
Just the rolls.
So your cha mod is still -1, but a Cha Check is +0.
Gaurav: ah, gotcha. I always get confused about that. Thanks!
Bear Soup Guy: MODS
Frezak (GM): NOW LET'S GO DO HERO THINGS
(To Gaurav): Hazz will bide his time and appear in full glory later. IT WILL BE AWESOME.
Bear Soup Guy: HERO TIME
(To Gaurav): TENTACLES EVERYWHERE.
Greibel stumbles groggily out of bed
Greibel: hero time......
Apheori (GM): Ahah, heroes.
Radek: Oh, you're awake.
(From Gaurav): *gasp*
Apheori (GM): Does this mean you get a +1 to sanity checks too?
Frezak (GM): That's up to you.
Apheori (GM): Okay.
Gaurav: Depends on whether you think the sanity check is related to something about us (like our constitution, intelligence, etc -- you could even do it backwards, high intelligence = more likely to get confused by magic!). If so, then yes? Otherwise, straight d20s mean everybody has an equal chance of going batty I think.
Rhu wakes as slowly as he can possibly manage. If he were familiar with steam locomotives or bricks, he would say he feels like a hundred steam locomotives are driving full-tilt into a brick wall in his head, but luckily he isn't and can't.
Apheori (GM): Well, you all have base modifiers that change depending on circumstances and stuff and I'm not telling you what they are.
Gaurav: oof. makes sense.
Greibel stares incredulously at Radek while taking a bong hit
Apheori (GM): Is Gravy still asleep?
Frezak (GM): How would I know ?
Amadi: That'll make you live, you know.
Frezak (GM): I'd assumed it'd wake up with everyone else?
Apheori (GM): Frezak: Fine, wake him up.
Bloody giants.
Frezak (GM): Okay, he wakes up.
Apheori (GM): And Amadi just randomly appeared behind Greibel.
Greibel: Hmmm
Oh hey, it's the time lady
Amadi: What? Where?
Amadi looks around.
Greibel points playfully at Amadi
Greibel points playfully at Amadi
Amadi: Do you see that?
 
Greibel: You, silly!
AMADI
Rhu: Time wha?
Do you see that?
Greibel offers Amadi the bong
 
Rhu sits bolt upright when he sees Amadi, electrical pain coursing through this skull.
GREIBEL
Ganelon: ...How old does Amadi appear to be, again?
You, silly!
Amadi reaches out to take it and vanishes.
 
Apheori (GM): When touching it.
RHU
Rhu: Ow. Hi. Sandwich Lady, right?
Ow. Hi. Sandwich Lady, right? Ow.
Ow.
 
Apheori (GM): She's... grown-looking.
Greibel offers Amadi the bong. She reaches out to touch it and then suddenly vanishes as soon as she does.
But small.
 
Greibel turns bemused to Radek
Greibel turns bemusedly to Radek.
Rhu: Where did she go?
 
Greibel: She's been smoking some good stuff man.
GREIBEL
Radek: I'm almost surprised that you haven't had enough of people disappearing in front of us.
She's been smoking some good stuff, man.
 
RHU
Where did she go?
 
RADEK
I'm almost surprised that you haven't had enough of people disappearing in front of us.
...Almost.
...Almost.
Frezak (GM): Wait, we see this?
 
I thought it was in Greibel/Rhu's room.
Amadi walks out of a wall and then sits down next to Rhu.
Apheori (GM): I think only Greibel and Radek should.
 
Ganelon: I was in his room.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Not Rhu.
Oh, hello small lady.
Apheori (GM): Right, that.
 
Or was Rhu there too?
AMADI
Frezak (GM): Oh,r ight.
Hi! Are you the mystery?
I thought I was with Radek because he didn't need the bed.
 
Apheori (GM): Or that.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Er.
Doubt it.
Yeah, that's what happened.
 
Oh, whatever.
RADEK
Greibel: The first night Greibel was with Radek
His mind's no grand puzzle, that's for sure. The answer is shovels.
Rhu: According to the logs, Rhu was dumped with Greibel, and Gravy was with Radek since he doesn't sleep.
 
Greibel: But who knows what we did the second night
THE GRAVEDIGGER
errrrrr
Shovels solve many things. Also spades.
OOC
 
Ganelon: Oh. Well then, whoops.
AMADI
Bear Soup Guy: We were drunk
(to Radek)
Gaurav: People waking up in the middle of the night searching for water and ending up in the wrong room is not out of the question.
And you? You don't look anything like a shovel. Unless you do.
Especially given the Shallot.
 
Bear Soup Guy: Good point
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Frezak (GM): You'd know if I was getting into the same bed as you.
No. He isn't a shovel.
Gaurav: Yes.
 
Apheori (GM): Are you sure?
AMADI
If gravy winds up on top of someone, would they necessarily survive?
Shovels take many forms. Like spiders.
Frezak (GM): Sure.
 
Ganelon: He hogs sheets, though.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Frezak (GM): I DO NOT
I have seen many shovels. And I can say with certainty that Radek is not a shovel. Or a trowel.
Ganelon: He totally does.
 
Gaurav: Their dying screams would rouse Gravy and he would get up before they lost consciousness. Hopefully.
Amadi steals an unattended porridge and digs in.
Frezak (GM): Well Gravy will head downstairs for breakfast.
 
Apheori (GM): Gravy will find more bowls of (less) congealed porridge.
GREIBEL
Frezak (GM): Awesome.
He's more like the Silver Surfer.
Ganelon: I'll follow him.
 
Rhu does the morning stuff and heads downstairs also, maintaining a look of death.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Frezak (GM): I'll wave at Rhu.
The what? Are you on drugs again? Still? Nevermind.
Amadi walks out of a wall and follows Rhu down.
 
Frezak (GM): I feel that a look of death is normal for him.
Greibel smiles.
Rhu doesn't see it. He heads for the table and begins to porridge.
 
Greibel heads downstairs, realizing he's now lacking a bong
AMADI
Frezak (GM): Do I see the midget phase through the wall?
Not hardly. Silver Surfer's silver, for one.
Apheori (GM): Yes.
 
It happens around when you wave.
GREIBEL
The Gravedigger: Oh, hello small lady.
Fair enough.
Amadi waves back.
 
Amadi: Hi!
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Are you the mystery?
So what are our plans for today?
The Gravedigger: Doubt it.
 
Apheori (GM): RAHB: Greibel still has the bong. Unless he dropped it. Which is entirely possible.
RHU
Radek: His mind's no grand puzzle, that's for sure.
Why do you keep vanishing and reappearing, Sandwich Lady? It hurts my head.
The answer is shovels.
 
Bear Soup Guy: Oh okay
THE GRAVEDIGGER
The Gravedigger: Shovels solve many things.
MAGIC.
Also spades.
 
Amadi: (to Radek) And you? You don't look anything like a shovel.
Unless you do.
The Gravedigger: No.
He isn't a shovel.
Amadi: Shovels take many forms.
The Gravedigger: I have seen many shovels.
Amadi: Like spiders.
The Gravedigger: And I can say with certainty that Radek is not a shovel.
Or a trowel.
Amadi sits down and starts eating a porridge.
Greibel: He's more like the Silver Surfer
The Gravedigger: The what?
Are you on drugs again?
Still?
Nevermind.
Greibel smiles
Frezak (GM): Isn't Greibel always smiling?
Amadi eyes Greibel.
Frezak (GM): Unless he hasn't got lips.
Amadi: Not hardly. Silver Surfer's silver, for one.
Bear Soup Guy: He smiled more
Greibel: Fair enough
Radek inspects his new eyebot curiously.
Radek inspects his new eyebot curiously.
The Gravedigger: So what are our plans for today?
 
Rhu: Why do you keep vanishing and reappearing, Sandwich Lady? It hurts my head.
RADEK
The Gravedigger: MAGIC.
I don't remember as much about how I made this as I'd like.
Radek: I don't remember as much about how I made this as I'd like.
 
The Gravedigger: Can't you... take it apart to see how you did it?
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Greibel: Does it shoot lasers?
Can't you... take it apart to see how you did it?
Radek: Of course it shoots lasers, and of course I could take it apart.
 
Amadi: Oh, Kerrin, I'm not your head.
GREIBEL
Does it shoot lasers?
 
RADEK
Of course it shoots lasers, and of course I could take it apart.
 
AMADI
Oh, Kerrin, I'm not your head.
 
Amadi pats Rhu's head.
Amadi pats Rhu's head.
The Gravedigger: hey!
 
The eyebot is the mystery!
THE GRAVEDIGGER
It's the robot floating eye that fires lasers.
Hey! The eyebot is the mystery! It's the robot floating eye that fires lasers. That's the mystery.
That's the mystery.
 
Greibel: Sounds like a mystery
GREIBEL
The Gravedigger: I solved the mystery about what the mystery is!
Sounds like a mystery.
Is there a prize?
 
THE GRAVEDIGGER
I solved the mystery about what the mystery is! Is there a prize?
 
Radek sighs heavily.
Radek sighs heavily.
Apheori (GM): That's not a mystery.
 
Ganelon: He's a bit hungover.
The Gravedigger pats Radek.
The Gravedigger pats Radek.
The Gravedigger: You can solve the next one.
 
Rhu: (to Amadi) I don't think we've been introduced. I am Rhu, an Avenger in the service of Hazz'ridan the creators of dead ends.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Apheori (GM): That's... alcohol.
You can solve the next one.
Amadi: Creator? Dead ends aren't created.
 
Ganelon: "What the hell did I do last night?" is a pretty good mystery.
RHU
Amadi: This ham tastes like soap.
(to Amadi)
Is there soap in the ham?
I don't think we've been introduced. I am Rhu, an Avenger in the service of Hazz'ridan, the creator of dead ends.
Ganelon: But it's not been completely solved yet.
 
The Gravedigger: What ham?
AMADI
Greibel: That's porridge, silly lady
Creator? Dead ends aren't created.
Rhu: Dead ends come from Hazz'ridan and in the end return to him. I read that on the internet.
This ham tastes like soap.
The Gravedigger: That's porridge.
 
Amadi: Looks like ham to me.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
The Gravedigger: You got your religion from the Internet?
What ham?
Online Avenger degree? Cool.
 
Rhu: The Maze of Hazz'ridan where I was given my implement and training didn't talk about the beginnings of ends. I had to figure that out for myself.
GREIBEL
Amadi: Wear it.
That's porridge, silly lady. That's porridge.
Wear it like you mean it.
 
It's not a maze unless you WEAR IT!
AMADI
Amadi suddenly stands on her and towers over Rhu.
Looks like ham to me.
The Gravedigger: You sound even crazier than Rhu.
 
He says a lot of rubbish.
RHU
Rhu: WOAH! Do you mean this? (points to the Maze of Hazz'ridan implement on a string around his neck)
Dead ends come from Hazz'ridan and in the end return to him. I read that on the internet.
The Gravedigger: No offense, Rhu.
 
Gaurav: Stands on her what?
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Ganelon: I assume feet.
You got your religion from the Internet? Online Avenger degree? Cool.
 
RHU
The Maze of Hazz'ridan where I was given my implement and training didn't talk about the beginnings of ends. I had to figure that out for myself.
 
AMADI
Wear it. Wear it like you mean it. It's not a maze unless you WEAR IT!
 
Amadi suddenly stands on her chair and towers over Rhu.
 
THE GRAVEDIGGER
You sound even crazier than Rhu. He says a lot of rubbish.
 
RHU
WOAH!
(indicating his holy symbol, which he is indeed wearing)
Do you mean this?
 
THE GRAVEDIGGER
No offense, Rhu.
 
Amadi sits gracefully.
Amadi sits gracefully.
Amadi: No.
 
Apheori (GM): Yes, feet.
AMADI
Rhu: None taken, Gravy. Hazz'ridan the Great showed us great mercy yesterday, and he is with us in our quest. I shall have a chance to learn many, many truths at his feet before I return home, of this I am certain. Where's the salt?
No.
The Gravedigger: Check behind the bar.
 
Amadi: Try the gravy.
RHU
None taken, Gravy. Hazz'ridan the Great showed us great mercy yesterday, and he is with us in our quest. I shall have a chance to learn many, many truths at his feet before I return home, of this I am certain. Where's the salt?
 
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Check behind the bar.
 
AMADI
Try the gravy.
 
Amadi leans forward and grabs Rhu's implement.
Amadi leans forward and grabs Rhu's implement.
Rhu stays where he is, in case Amadi vanishes again.
 
Rhu: Hey!
Rhu tries to grab it back
Rhu tries to grab it back
Rhu: I need that!
 
Greibel: Two enter. Only ONE shall leave!
RHU
Amadi: No you don't. Your faith is your own. Your items are mine.
Hey! I need that!
Always mine.
 
Forever mine.
GREIBEL
You enter my dreams and you are mine, and aren't you here now? Yes, yes, I think you are.
Two enter. Only ONE shall leave!
So you're mine.
 
Mine, mine, mine.
AMADI
No you don't. Your faith is your own. Your items are mine. Always mine. Forever mine. You enter my dreams and you are mine, and aren't you here now? Yes, yes, I think you are. So you're mine. Mine, mine, mine.
 
Rhu lets go of his implement.
Rhu lets go of his implement.
Rhu: (awestruck) who _are_ you?
 
RHU
(awestruck)
Who ''are'' you?
 
Amadi stares at it and turns it over in her hands.
Amadi stares at it and turns it over in her hands.
The Gravedigger: Yeah, that's crazy and creepy.
 
Greibel: I'm with you, brother
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Greibel casually eats the porridge anyway
Yeah, that's crazy and creepy.
Greibel tries feeding some to Rasputin
 
The Gravedigger: Isn't that cannibalism?
GREIBEL
I'm with you, brother.
 
Greibel casually eats the porridge anyway, and tries feeding some to Rasputin.
 
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Isn't that cannibalism?
 
The porridge declines.
The porridge declines.
Greibel: Hmmph
 
Worth a shot
GREIBEL
What does porridge eat, anyway?
Hmmph. Worth a shot. What does porridge eat, anyway?
Gaurav: That is well-brought-up porridge.
 
Radek: Fanged peas.
Rasputin jiggles a bit in an attempt to answer.
The porridge jiggles a bit in an attempt to answer.
 
Greibel: Oh, right!
THE GRAVEDIGGER
The Gravedigger: Booze?
Booze?
Greibel gives Rasputin a suspiciously still in-tact fanged pea
 
Apheori (GM): Rasputin tries to grab the pea, but it manages to evade and goes onto the floor.
RADEK
So Rasputin follows, leaping after it, and grabs it on the way down before hitting the floor with a splat.
Fanged peas.
Greibel: Good boy!
 
Amadi: That looks painful.
GREIBEL
The Gravedigger: Ew.
Oh, right!
Rhu: (to Amadi) what did you mean by all that "My items are yours" stuff?
 
The Gravedigger: You're not a thief, are you?
Greibel gives Rasputin a suspiciously still intact fanged pea. The porridge tries to grab it, but the pea jitters away across the floor.
Because Rhu kind of needs his stuff.
 
Amadi leans toward Rhu. "Oh, Kerrin, you're here. You need to ask?"
Rasputin gives chase, hitting the floor with a splat before bouncing after it.
Amadi: Thief?
 
THIEF?!
GREIBEL
Why, yes, actually, I am.
Good boy!
But not of things.
 
Never of things.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Things are cheap. Things die. Fade. Change.
Ew.
Amadi: Disappear.
 
Not things.
AMADI
Amadi holds up the implement.
That looks painful.
Amadi: This is wrong.
 
I've never seen it like this before.
RHU
Rhu: Who is Kerrin? And what is your name?
(to Amadi)
Amadi: You're Kerrin, of course!
What did you mean by all that "My items are yours" stuff?
And I'm... oh, I dunno.
 
Dira?
AMADI
The Gravedigger: Rhu is Kerrin? LIke... a play?
(leaning toward Rhu)
Amadi: No, that's not right. She was Dira.
Oh, Kerrin, you're here. You need to ask?
The Gravedigger: People acting parts?
 
Rhu: I'm Rhu.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Amadi: I'm someone else.
You're not a thief, are you? Because Rhu kind of needs his stuff.
Radek: What *do* you know?
 
AMADI
Thief? THIEF?! Why, yes, actually, I am. But not of things. Never of things. Things are cheap. Things die. Fade. Change. Disappear. Not things.
(she holds up the implement)
This is wrong. I've never seen it like this before.
 
RHU
Who is Kerrin? And what is your name?
 
AMADI
You're Kerrin, of course! And I'm... oh, I dunno. Dira?
 
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Rhu is Kerrin? Like... a play?
 
AMADI
No, that's not right. She was Dira.
 
THE GRAVEDIGGER
People acting parts?
 
RHU
I'm Rhu.
 
AMADI
I'm someone else.
 
RADEK
What ''do'' you know?
 
AMADI
Besides the atomic weight of tofu?
 
RADEK
Specifically, about the rift?
Specifically, about the rift?
Amadi: Besides the atomic weight of tofu?
 
What rift?
AMADI
Was there a rift?
What rift? Was there a rift? Not Riften, I hope. Or do you men The Rift? Isn't that a county near Wyzima? Saleus Neloth.
Not Riften, I hope.
 
Or do you men The Rift?
RHU
Isn't that a county near Wyzima?
I'm not Kerrin. Who is Kerrin? Why did you call me that?
Amadi: Saleus Neloth.
 
Rhu: I'm not Kerrin. Who is Kerrin? Why did you call me that?
Amadi doesn't answer and just stares off into space, fiddling with the implement.
Amadi doesn't answer and just stares off into space, fiddling with the implement.
Radek: Nothing, then. Another victim of its influence, most likely.
 
Rhu: (to others) What's going on here? I'm Rhu.
RADEK
Nothing, then. Another victim of its influence, most likely.
 
RHU
(to the others)
What's going on here? I'm Rhu.
 
RADEK
Yes, you are.
 
Radek begins to tinker with his new eyebot.
Radek begins to tinker with his new eyebot.
Radek: Yes, you are.
 
The Gravedigger: Well, the little lady is crazy.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Well, the little lady is crazy.
 
The porridge on the floor slowly draws itself back together and then squelch-bounces its way back to Greibel's shoulder.
The porridge on the floor slowly draws itself back together and then squelch-bounces its way back to Greibel's shoulder.
Frezak (GM): Brb
 
Apheori (GM): Hee.
Greibel pets it.
Greibel pets it
 
The porridge purrs.
The porridge purrs.
Gaurav: You have the best porridge.
 
Bear Soup Guy: I sure do
RHU
Apheori (GM): >.>
(to Amadi)
Gaurav: Is anybody else around in the pub in the morning? Any villagers, the barkeep?
So... you're not Dira?
Apheori (GM): Barkeep is probably asleep. Everyone else has sodded off as well. Apparently this is just... normal?
 
Gaurav: This is as it was yesterday, yes. I hope those wacky villagers from the first morning swing by the bar at some point. They were fun.
AMADI
Bear Soup Guy: I wonder if the big guy knows anything we should know
Who's Dira?
Ganelon: He is a mystery.
 
Bear Soup Guy: A conspicuous mystery
RHU
Apheori (GM): So...
You just said you weren't Dira. "She was Dira", you said.
Someone do something.
 
Greibel stands up abruptly and screams for a few seconds
AMADI
Greibel sits back down and acts as if it didn't happen
Who was?
Apheori (GM): Snrk.
 
Ganelon: I've just been waiting for Frezak.
RHU
Apheori (GM): I know. >.<
You weren't clear on that point. It sounds like you're not entirely sure what your name is. I... It feels rude to refer to you as Sandwich Lady all the time. Do you not have any other name I could use?
We all are. He's just slow and I'm impatient.
 
AMADI
Of course I have other names. Don't be ridiculous. Who goes around with only one name? Even waking, it'd be crazy!
 
RHU
What may we call you, then?
 
AMADI
Call me Teatime. Or Dave. Or Amadi. Or whatever!
 
GREIBEL
Hi Dave!
 
AMADI
Hi!
 
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Sure, Crazy lady.
 
Greibel waves.
 
Amadi waves back.
 
RHU
Teatime? Like... a time for a drink with jam and bread?
 
AMADI
Not at all. Like the time between liver and spleen. The time between notes when you wonder if you are alive or dead, dreaming or waking.
The time between the light, when you do not know whether this is daydream or nightmare, waking or dreaming.
 
RHU
Right. Miss... Missus? Teatime, then. Would you like to come with us and see a rift?
 
AMADI
Is it pretty?
 
RADEK
No, it's quite horrible.
 
RHU
It's got a dead tree on it.
 
AMADI
Is it HER dead tree?
 
THE GRAVEDIGGER
And some water.
 
AMADI
The dead tree behind the statue, perhaps?
 
RHU
But that tree has a light tree growing on it, which we were hoping Greibel could have a poke at, since it might be druid magic.
The water's quite pretty, actually.
 
RADEK
I have some of it.
 
RHU
We should head out to the rift. Who knows when Mrs. Teatime will vanish again, and she might know something about it that eludes us.
 
THE GRAVEDIGGER
If she does, how would we know?
 
RADEK
Asking her seems out of the question.
 
Greibel stands up abruptly and screams for a few seconds.
 
Then he sits back down and acts as if it didn't happen.
 
Amadi taps her nose and points at Greibel, then likewise acts as though nothing had happened.
Amadi taps her nose and points at Greibel, then likewise acts as though nothing had happened.
Rhu: (to Amadi) So ... you're not Dira?
 
Amadi: Who's Dira?
AMADI
Rhu: You just said you weren't Dira. "She was Dira", you said.
The question is the question. Ask, or you will never know. Porridge knows, but nobody ever asks...
Amadi: Who was?
 
Rhu: You weren't clear on that point.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
It sounds like you're not entirely sure what your name is. I -- It feels rude to refer to you as Sandwich Lady all the time. Do you not have any other name I could use?
Yeah, that. I don't think she's gonna be any use.
Frezak (GM): back
Just spouting endless Zens at us.
Amadi: Of course I have other names. Don't be ridiculous.
 
Who goes around with only one name? Even waking, it'd be crazy!
RHU
Rhu: What may we call you, then?
She's the only thing on this planet that appears and disappears mysteriously on this planet, if you don't count the falling anvils.
Amadi: Call me Teatime.
She's a link to the weirdness of Sarathi. Possibly. Unless she's just weird of her own accord, which seems... likely.
Or Dave.
 
Or Amadi.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Or whatever!
But we can't get anything useful out of her.
Greibel: Hi Dave!
 
Amadi: Hi!
GREIBEL
Greibel waves
Dave, will I ever find true love?
The Gravedigger: Sure, Crazy lady.
 
Amadi waves.
Rhu: Teatime? Like ... a time for a drink with jam and bread?
Amadi: Not at all.
Like the time between liver and spleen. The time between notes when you wonder if you are alive or dead, dreaming or waking.
Rhu: Right. Miss ... Missus? ... Teatime, then.
Amadi: The time between the light, when you do not know whether this is daydream or nightmare, waking or dreaming.
Rhu: Would you like to come with us and see a rift?
Amadi: Is it pretty?
Radek: No, it's quite horrible.
Rhu: It's got a dead tree on it.
Amadi: Is it HER dead tree?
The Gravedigger: And some water.
Amadi: The dead tree behind the statue, perhaps?
Rhu: But that tree has a light tree growing on it, which we were hoping Greibel could have a poke at, since it might be druid magic.
The water's quite pretty, actually.
Radek: I have some of it.
Ganelon: I would ask if he learned anything about it, but he was drunk
Amadi: So if he did learn anything about it, it's up in the air if he actually remembers correctly? XD
Gaurav: I imagine Radek's quite a productive drunk.
Ganelon: Yes to both.
Rhu takes a step back from Amadi when she does here "XD" face
Ganelon: He not only built an eyebot but modified his rifle to use a straight-pull bolt for faster reloading.
Amadi: OOC
Sorry.
Ganelon: (This is to explain a feat I took)
Apheori (GM): THAT WAS NOT AMADI.
Bear Soup Guy: Was it Dave?
Apheori (GM): That was me. Mistyping. Dave is... something else altogether.
Rhu: We should head out to the rift. Who knows when Mrs. Teatime will vanish again, and she might know something about it that eludes us.
The Gravedigger: If she does, how would we know?
Radek: Asking her seems out of the question.
Ganelon: See what I did there, guys?
Amadi: The question is the question.
Bear Soup Guy: XD
Amadi: Ask, or you will never know.
The Gravedigger: yeah, that.
I don't think she's gonna be any use.
Greibel: Dave, will I ever find true love?
The Gravedigger: Just spouting endless Zens at us.
Amadi: Porridge knows, but nobody ever asks...
Amadi stops and looks at Greibel.
Amadi stops and looks at Greibel.
Rhu: She's the only thing on this planet that appears and disappears mysteriously on this planet, if you don't count the falling anvils.
 
Amadi: No.
AMADI
I'm sorry, but no.
No. I'm sorry, but no.
Greibel sulks
 
Rhu: She's a link to the weirdness of Sarathi. Possibly. Unless she's just weird of her own accord, which seems ... likely.
Greibel sulks.
Amadi: It's for the best, really. The lovers hurt more than the rest.
 
The Gravedigger: But we can't get anything useful out of her.
AMADI
Greibel: Are the lovers armed?
It's for the best, really. The lovers hurt more than the rest.
Rhu: Hang on. (to Amadi) What do you mean, Porridge knows? And it's not "Porridge", it's "Rasputin". It has a name.
 
Amadi: They can be armed.
GREIBEL
Rhu: The rift might interact with her in interesting ways. Or vice versa. Anywho, we have a seat spare.
Are the lovers armed?
Amadi: The Gravedigger won't be.
 
The Gravedigger: What?
AMADI
Amadi: With your love. He wanted love.
They can be armed.
Amadi points at Greibel.
 
Amadi: Blame him.
RHU
Asking answers. He should be asking questions!
Hang on.
The Gravedigger: Nooo, I think i'll blame the crazy person that never makes sense.
(to Amadi)
Greibel: Hummm...
What do you mean, Porridge knows? And it's not "Porridge", it's "Rasputin". It has a name.
Amadi: Which one?
(to Gravy)
Sense can be made out of anything.
The rift might interact with her in interesting ways. Or vice versa. Anywho, we have a seat spare.
You just need a knife.
 
The Gravedigger: So, Radek.
AMADI
What are we doing today?
The Gravedigger won't be.
Amadi: Or a shovel.
 
Gaurav: Good question.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
The Gravedigger: Other than spectating.
What?
Radek: We need to gather information.
 
Greibel whispers to Amadi "He's really a nice guy when you get to know him."
AMADI
Rhu: We could poke around the village and look for someone who knows more about the trees and the rift and the pool. We thought yesterday that druid magic might be involved; someone might know the druid what done it.
With your love. He wanted love.
Radek: If you think Greibel can be of use, it's only a short drive to the tree.
(indicating Greibel)
Greibel: (continuing) But Radek isn't. He really is that bad.
Blame him. Asking answers. He should be asking questions!
Amadi: (To Greibel) And will you say that about me someday too?
 
Radek: Nobody asked for your opinion, Greibel.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
The Gravedigger: Might as well poke about here while we can, then.
Nooo, I think i'll blame the crazy person that never makes sense.
Rhu: We could head back to the Rift and poke around a bit there. Or we could follow the dry river bank, where the DM assured us we were close to making an Important Discovery (I think?)
 
The Gravedigger: Though these willagers don't seem to be very useful.
GREIBEL
Amadi: Willagers!
Hummm...
Greibel: (To Amadi) That depends. Do you like lava lamps?
 
Rhu: If we do that, we should pack some lunch, because this porridge is very inadequate (sorry for insulting the relatives, Rasputin)
AMADI
Amadi counts off on her fingers.
Which one? Sense can be made out of anything. You just need a knife. Or a shovel.
Amadi: Six lava lamps, four screens, two potted trees, and a big old yucca.
 
Rhu: Well, we can talk to them now. And they're probably all superimpressed by Radek after his intravenous drinking last night.
GREIBEL
Amadi: That wasn't me.
(whispering to Amadi)
The Gravedigger: I'm not sure they understand the perils of intravenous drinking.
He's really a nice guy when you get to know him.
They probably don't understand what livers do.
 
THE GRAVEDIGGER
So, Radek. What are we doing today? Other than spectating.
 
RADEK
We need to gather information.
 
RHU
We could poke around the village and look for someone who knows more about the trees and the rift and the pool. We thought yesterday that druid magic might be involved; someone might know the druid what done it.
 
RADEK
If you think Greibel can be of use, it's only a short drive to the tree.
 
GREIBEL
(continuing)
But Radek isn't. He really is that bad.
 
AMADI
(to Greibel)
And will you say that about me someday too?
 
GREIBEL
That depends. Do you like lava lamps?
 
AMADI
(counting off on her fingers)
Six lava lamps, four screens, two potted trees, and a big old yucca.
 
RADEK
Nobody asked for your opinion, Greibel.
 
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Might as well poke about here while we can, then. Though these willagers don't seem to be very useful.
 
RHU
Well, we can talk to them now. And they're probably all superimpressed by Radek after his intravenous drinking last night.
 
THE GRAVEDIGGER
I'm not sure they understand the perils of intravenous drinking. They probably don't understand what livers do.
 
The innkeeper walks in and sees the group.
The innkeeper walks in and sees the group.
The innkeeper: Oh, good morning.
 
The Gravedigger: Hello Miss Inkeep.
INNKEEPER
Rhu: They seemed impressed, especially the inn-- oh, hello!
Oh, good morning.
Radek: You would think my technical skills would be more impressive, but no. All it takes to make this lot cheer is the capacity to endure alcohol.
 
The Gravedigger waves
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Radek: Hmph.
Hello Miss Innkeep.
 
The Gravedigger waves.
 
RHU
They seemed impressed, especially the inn... oh, hello!
 
RADEK
You would think my technical skills would be more impressive, but no. All it takes to make this lot cheer is the capacity to endure alcohol.
 
The innkeeper waves vaguely and heads into another room.
The innkeeper waves vaguely and heads into another room.
Rhu: Wait! Do you know any druids around here?
 
RADEK
Hmph.
 
RHU
Wait! Do you know any druids around here?
 
The innkeeper looks back.
The innkeeper looks back.
The innkeeper: Druids?
 
If you mean the Guardians, we've only Ekka.
INNKEEPER
Bear Soup Guy: I thought the inkeep didn't speak our language >_<
Druids? If you mean the Guardians, we've only Ekka.
The innkeeper: She lives down the way if you need a consult.
(indicating the direction)
She lives down the way if you need a consult.
The innkeeper ducks out of the common room.
The innkeeper ducks out of the common room.
Apheori (GM): Hazz'ridan blessed you with sanity.
 
This included language stuff, apparently.
RHU
Frezak (GM): GM, do we know what 'down the way' means or do we have to bother her for details?
To Ekka's!
Gaurav: You'd have to be inSANE not to understand these people!
(to Amadi)
Apheori (GM): Let's just say you know.
Are you coming?
Frezak (GM): Hokay.
 
Well, that sounds like a plan.
AMADI
Apheori (GM): Well, yes, Hazz'ridan's version of sanity may not be QUITE what other people have in mind...
Are you going?
Rhu: Agreed. To Ekka's! (to Amadi) Are you coming?
 
Amadi: Are you going?
RHU
Rhu: I am.
I am.
Amadi: Well, go on then.
 
Rhu nods
AMADI
Rhu: We'll see you later.
Well, go on then.
Gaurav: Shall we?
 
Radek: Much later, I should hope.
RHU
Frezak (GM): TO EKKA
(nodding)
Greibel: Have fun, Dave!
We'll see you later.
Greibel waves
 
Amadi follows, still fiddling with Rhu's implement, holding it up to the light, turning it over, trying to figure it out. "This is wrong," she mutters. "It shouldn't be this."
RADEK
Rhu leaves the bar and starts walking in the direction indicated/suggested by the innkeep, whose name we also need to figure out at some point.
Much later, I should hope.
Frezak (GM): Yarr.
 
I do a similar thing.
GREIBEL
Ganelon: No arguments here.
Have fun, Dave!
Greibel: Off to the Guardian's place!
 
Apheori (GM): So I guess y'll head outside, see some folks working on a wagon, see those two guys from before laughing the others on, see the house...
Greibel waves.
Gaurav: The Guardian's house?
 
Apheori (GM): Right.
Amadi follows anyway, still fiddling with Rhu's implement, holding it up to the light, turning it over, trying to figure it out.
Greibel: http://gyazo.com/d92f703dd50cdb0cdcbeeb4e8437c92c.png
 
Rhu knocks on the door.
 
Bear Soup Guy: err, obviously Greibel didn't link a screenshot >_<
EXT. Hughenden Guardian's house - morning
 
It's a house.
 
Rhu knocks on the door, but gets no response.  
 
Greibel sings "You keep-a knockin' but you caaaaan't come in!"
Greibel sings "You keep-a knockin' but you caaaaan't come in!"
Ganelon: Is his singing correct?
 
Can we not come in?
Bear Soup Guy: Little Richard is always correct
But seeing as this is a different universe...
Apheori (GM): The door is shut. Do you go in?
Is that a thing here?
Do you knock? There's not beeper...
no
Gaurav: I am sure there is a Little Richard in this universe also.
Somewhere.
Rhu knocks again.
Rhu knocks again.
Apheori (GM): A what?
 
Bear Soup Guy: Somewhere
The Gravedigger knocks too.
Bear Soup Guy gestures at the night sky
 
Apheori (GM): Oh, ghah, missed the first knock, sorry.
RHU
Well, nothing happens from knocking.
...something tells me that before we just walk into a house belonging to somebody called a Guardian, it might be wise to check for boobytraps.
Frezak (GM): I CHARGE THE DO- knock again.
 
Rhu: ... something tells me that before we just walk into a house belonging to somebody called a Guardian, it might be wise to check for booby traps
GREIBEL
Greibel: Hey now
Hey now. I'm a Guardian and I've never trapped anyone's boobies.
Apheori (GM): Amadi pushes past, taps the implement to the door, and then opens it and goes in.
 
Greibel: I'm a Guardian and I've never trapped anyone's boobies
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Frezak (GM): I will activate my 18 Con lungs.
HEEELOOOOOO? GUARDIAN PERSON?
The Gravedigger: HEEELOOOOOO? GUARDIAN PERSON?
 
Apheori (GM): There's a clunk from somewhere inside.
Amadi pushes past, taps the implement to the door, and then opens it and goes in.
 
There's a clunk from somewhere inside.
 
Then a startled yell.
Then a startled yell.
Frezak (GM): What kind of clunk?
 
Apheori (GM): Like someone falling on the floor.
Amadi
Then you hear Amadi.
(from inside)
Since she already charged in.
Hello, Guardian person, good morning, good day, good morrow, can we borrow your wisdom please?
"Hello, Guardian person, good morning, good day, good morrow, can we borrow your wisdom please?"
 
Frezak (GM): Oh.
Greibel pats the Gravedigger on the arm.
I'll try the door >.>
 
Greibel pats Gravy
GREIBEL
Greibel: It was a good try
It was a good try
The Gravedigger: Thanks, Greibel.
 
Apheori (GM): You find Amadi standing over someone who appears to have half-fallen out of bed. It's the magic woman from when you first arrived.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Frezak (GM): magic woman?
Thanks, Greibel.
Apheori (GM): The woman who did some magic.
 
She has magic.
The others head in after.
MAGIC.
 
Frezak (GM): What magic?
 
Bear Soup Guy: From the first time we met Amadi
INT. Hughenden Guardian's house - morning
She did a spell thing when we were in CAR
 
Frezak (GM): What spell?
They find Amadi standing over a woman who appears to have half-fallen out of bed, apparently Ekka. She also turns out to be the same villager woman they had initially encountered and failed to talk to upon their arrival due to language issues.
Ganelon: It made Amadi appear. Maybe.
 
That may have been a coincidence.
RHU
Gaurav: Search for "The woman starts gesturing and chanting, casting a spell you don't recognise." in the log if you want to go over that bit again.
We apologize for Mrs. Teatime there, Guardian Ekka. She's... enthusiastic.
Frezak (GM): Yeah, I thought Amadi just popped in by being Amadi.
 
Gaurav: She kind of got upstaged by Amadi unfortunately. I don't think we even spoke to her after Amadi showed up, and once she vanished, we just went into the inn without even saying goodbye. She must think we're rude.
EKKA
Apheori (GM): And now she must think you're really rude.
What... Teatime?
Bear Soup Guy: XD
 
Rhu: We apologize for Mrs. Teatime there, Guardian Ekka. She's ... enthusiastic.
Ekka: What...
Teatime?
Ekka picks herself up and glares down at Amadi.
Ekka picks herself up and glares down at Amadi.
Ekka: What are you doing in my house?
 
Rhu: No, it's morning. Breakfasttime. But that is Mrs. Teatime. (gestures)
EKKA
Amadi: Asking answers.
What are you doing in my house?
Do you have them? They think you have them. I don't think they do.
 
Ekka: Right.
AMADI
What do you need?
Asking answers. Do you have them? They think you have them. I don't think they do.
Well, no.
 
First, let me get dressed. Out, all of you.
RHU
Frezak (GM): I'll slink out.
No, it's morning. Breakfast time. But that is Mrs. Teatime.
Rhu: ... did any of us bother to take a photograph of the rift? Maybe Radek has something from the camera on his eye-robot thing?
 
Frezak (GM): As much as I can.
He indicates Amadi.
Ganelon: I doubt it would come equipped with the ability to take photos.
 
Maybe this new one. Then again, it may just spit out confetti or serve as an emergency disco ball.
EKKA
Gaurav: ...
Right. What do you need?
I am going to be so disappointed if we don't need to use an emergency disco ball sometime in this campaign.
(she glances down at herself)
Frezak (GM): CONFETTI
Well, no. First, let me get dressed. Out, all of you.
Ekka: With Greibel involved, that may only be the beginning of strangeness.
 
Frezak (GM): When someone scores a crit.
Ekka shoos everyone out.
Gaurav: Emergency disco balls in a field of marijuana.
 
The villain is dispatched in a cloud of blood and guts as sparkling confetti rains from the sky.
 
Ganelon: Even if it's not designed to do that, all it would take is a well-cut prism and the laser could make a... considerably more dangerous disco ball in a pinch.
EXT. Hughenden Guardian's porch - morning
Bear Soup Guy: Timothy Leary just twitched in his grave
 
Pleasure twitch
RHU
Gaurav: I don't know who you are, or where you come from, but you've done me a power of good.
...did any of us bother to take a photograph of the rift? Maybe Radek has something from the camera on his eye-robot thing?
Ganelon: So just find me some nice transparent solid like class and I'll get right on that.
 
Glass, even.
RADEK
Frezak (GM): I have bottles.
No.
Ganelon: I'd probably need them to be glass all the way through
 
Gaurav: Is Ekka done getting dressed yet?
After a bit, Ekka comes out onto the porch as well, followed by Amadi, who apparently didn't actually leave before.
Apheori (GM): Ekka comes out onto the porch, followed by Amadi, who you realise didn't actually leave before.
 
Ekka: Okay, what?
EKKA
Gaurav: Who wants to make with the explaining?
Okay, what?
Frezak (GM): Rhu or Radek.
 
Maybe Rhu.
RHU
He's not mad or rude.
Guardian Ekka, we come from Sarathi through paths unclear. We have been investigating the rift that lurks under the large dead tree near here. On the tree, we spied a small tree alight with light which appeared to be guarding the rift. Or against it.
Gaurav: Hahaha, okay. Feel free to interrupt.
Rhu: Guardian Ekka: we come from Sarathi, through paths unclear. We have been investigating the rift that lurks under the large dead tree near here. On the tree, we spied a small tree alight with light which appeared to be guarding the rift. Or against it.
Do any of these things make sense to you? Because we are fair flummoxed.
Do any of these things make sense to you? Because we are fair flummoxed.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Very flummoxed.
RHU
We also sent a robot through the rift. It saw a beach and Sarathi and what looks like a huge rift 'twixt universes. I don't know what we can do about that, but my lord Hazz'ridan the Wonderful demands that we close it, on this planet at least, so that is what we aim to do.
We also sent a robot through the rift. It saw a beach and Sarathi and what looks like a huge rift 'twixt universes. I don't know what we can do about that, but my lord Hazz'ridan the Wonderful demands that we close it, on this planet at least, so that is what we aim to do.
Ekka: You mean the hole? With the really big tree over it.
 
The Gravedigger: Very flummoxed.
AMADI
Amadi: Wonderful!
Wonderful!
Rhu: That's the one.
 
Amadi: Oh, he is wonderful. Wonderful like you wouldn't believe.
EKKA
Really, I do want to see if you believe it.
You mean the hole? With the really big tree over it.
See it with eyes.
 
Never seen it with eyes.
RHU
Rhu: He gave us our sanity yesterday right before we were destroyed by the forces of darkness that lurked in the pool of water that the rift is immersed in.
That's the one.
Ekka: What do you want me to do, explain the world to you?
 
Rhu: He is truly Wonderful.
AMADI
...
(muttering)
Oh, he is wonderful. Wonderful like you wouldn't believe. Really, I do want to see if you believe it. See it with eyes. Never seen it with eyes.
 
RHU
He gave us our sanity yesterday right before we were destroyed by the forces of darkness that lurked in the pool of water that the rift is immersed in.
He is truly wonderful.
 
EKKA
What do you want me to do, explain the world to you?
 
RHU
Yes.
Yes.
The Gravedigger: That would be great.
 
Radek: Yes, I would appreciate that.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
That would be great.
 
RADEK
Yes, I would appreciate that.
 
Ekka sighs tiredly.
Ekka sighs tiredly.
Ekka: I don't know where you lot are from, but around these parts things don't exactly work that way.
 
I'll spell this out for you.
EKKA
I don't know where you lot are from, but around these parts things don't exactly work that way. I'll spell this out for you.
We... don't... know.
We... don't... know.
The Gravedigger: Well that's no fun.
 
Ekka: The hole appeared.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
The land died.
Well that's no fun.
Rhu: When was that?
 
Ekka: Well, died more than usual. Summers always kill it.
EKKA
But it didn't come back this time.
The hole appeared. The land died.
Well, died more than usual. Summers always kill it. But it didn't come back this time.  
 
RHU
When was that?
 
EKKA
Three years past.
Three years past.
Salt's kept the town going since, but the water's toxic. Nothing grows, except what grows wrong.
Salt's kept the town going since, but the water's toxic. Nothing grows, except what grows wrong.
And strangers come through from time to time. Mostly harmless, some mad, some confused, but they don't hunger for the land here, at least.
And strangers come through from time to time. Mostly harmless, some mad, some confused, but they don't hunger for the land here, at least.
Ganelon: Which direction did we follow that river? North?
 
Ekka: Sure, why not. North and east.
RADEK
Dammit.
We found safe water far to the southwest. Or, apparently safe. These three seem healthy enough.
Apheori (GM): OOC.
 
Gaurav: What direction is the rift from the village?
EKKA
Apheori (GM): More south, probably.
Aye, the effect is fortunately relatively localised. For now, at least.
Unless I specified.
Radek: We found safe water far to the northeast.
Or, apparently safe.
These three seem healthy enough.
Ekka: Aye, the effect is fortunately relatively localised.
For now, at least.
If Sanessee is any indication, this may not remain the case.
If Sanessee is any indication, this may not remain the case.
Rhu: Why are there no children in this town?
 
RHU
Sanessee?
Sanessee?
Ekka: The children... are gone.
 
EKKA
Sanessee has another such hole, though different. Opened up some 200 years ago, and slowly grew ever since. Broke the land. And spread.
 
RADEK
Would it happen to have opened up near a beach?
 
EKKA
Sanessee is a valley in the Darian highlands.
So no.
 
RHU
Why are there no children in this town?
 
EKKA
The children... are gone.
They were the most susceptible, and before we realised what was happening...
They were the most susceptible, and before we realised what was happening...
Sanessee has another such hole, though different. Opened up some 200 years ago, and slowly grew ever since.
 
Broke the land.
RADEK
And spreading.
We're looking for a way to close these holes... or vacate the planet, if you know of one.
Rhu:
 
rolling 1d20+3 history check to see if "Sanessee" rings any bells in my head
EKKA
(
Close them? You might as well look for a way to move an ocean.
12
 
)
AMADI
+3
You can move oceans. Hide mountains. Close black holes. These holes don't seem black. Unless they are.
=
 
15
RADEK
Apheori (GM): Nope.
Consider yourself fortunate that they are not.
Radek: Would it happen to have opened up near a beach?
 
Apheori (GM): Sanessee is a valley in the Darian highlands.
AMADI
Ekka: Sanessee is a valley in the Darian highlands.
Anything's possible.
Apheori (GM): Ghuh.
 
Rhu writes all this down
RADEK
Ekka: So no.
We would all be obliterated.
Radek: We're looking for a way to close these holes... or vacate the planet, if you know of one.
 
Ekka: Close them? You might as well look for a way to move an ocean.
RHU
Amadi: You can move oceans.
I think they're kind of... shimmery.
Hide mountains.
 
Close black holes.
EKKA
These holes don't seem black.
Well, if you find a way, that'd be something. Don't expect anyone to hold their breath.
Unless they are.
 
Radek: Consider yourself fortunate that they are not.
AMADI
Amadi: Anything's possible.
I made a shimmery once. It looked a little like this.
Radek: We would all be obliterated.
(she holds up Rhu's implement)
Rhu: I think they're kind of ... shimmery.
Wrong.
Ekka: Well, if you find a way, that'd be something.
 
Don't expect anyone to hold their breath.
RHU
Amadi: I made a shimmery once. It looked a little like this.
Thank you for this information, Guardian Ekka. Alas, our departure seems indefinitely postponed due to my God's insistence that we find a way to close this hole. With his help, we shall surely move an ocean.
Amadi holds up Rhu's implement.
Was the tree dead before the hole appeared? When did the litte tree start growing on the big one?
Amadi: Wrong.
 
Gaurav: I should warn everybody that I should leave for class in, like, 45-50 mins or so. Sorry for always being the first one out >.<
EKKA
Bear Soup Guy: No worries
The Ancient? Which tree?
We were planning about a four hour or so session anyway, weren't we?
 
Apheori (GM): Right.
RHU
Rhu: Thank you for this information, Guardian Ekka. Alas, our departure seems indefinitely postponed due to my God's insistence that we find a way to close this hole. With his help, we shall surely move an ocean.
Tell us about both trees.
Gaurav: I don't think we're going to get much more information from the villagers. Should we go take another look at the rift, or head straight to the end of the dry river bank?
 
Frezak (GM): Well she seems to think it's not the river that's the problem but the earth itself.
EKKA
And I don't know what we could get from the rift.
What trees?
Unless Radek has some new science idea.
The Ancient is a legend, said to die with the passing of the world. But you're asking about a real tree, aren't you?
Oh, ask her about the tree(s)
 
Ganelon: I have no science ideas.
RHU
Rhu: Was the tree dead before the hole appeared? When did the litte tree start growing on the big one?
The large tree growing on the rift, and the little tree growing on the large tree.
Ekka: The Ancient?
 
Frezak (GM): We'd need to find out what is powering the rift.
EKKA
Ekka: Which tree?
The silly graft Hodgesons put there is still alive?
Rhu: Tell us about both trees.
 
Ekka: What trees?
RHU
Gaurav: We could try hitting the rift with energy and see what happens.
Ah! That sounds like it, yeah. What's that all about?
Ekka: The Ancient is a legend, said to die with the passing of the world. But you're asking about a real tree, aren't you?
 
Rhu: The large tree growing on the rift, and the little tree growing on the large tree.
EKKA
Frezak (GM): Not sure about firing a laser at the rift >.>
Shalott. What else?
Maybe from really far.
 
Rhu: We could try physically blocking it with something ... no, it'd just get disintegrated, wouldn't it. Hm.
RHU
Radek: Would you like us to simply take you there?
Shalott?
It would hardly require much time. We have a vehicle capable of flight.
 
Frezak (GM): Well, if the rift just relocates stuff rather than.. disintegrated it, I would just collapse the sinkhole.
EKKA
Ekka: Oh, that tree...
You haven't tried it? Our gal makes... well, I wouldn't say it's the best, but it's certainly strong. She came back from the big city and really made a place for herself, that one.
It's been dead as long as anyone remembers.
Rest were fine before this, but now they all look the same.
Rhu: Hmm, I wonder if the rift chose it, then. And why ...
Ekka: The silly graft Hodgesons put there is still alive?
Rhu: Ah! That sounds like the little tree I was talking about. What's that all about?
Gaurav: DO all the trees look the same? Like, do they all look dead or do they all look *identically* dead?
Ekka: Shalott. What else?
Apheori (GM): They just all look dead.
Dried out.
Bleached.
Rhu: Shalott?
Ekka: You haven't tried it? Our gal makes... well, I wouldn't say it's the best, but it's certainly strong. She came back from the big city and really made a place for herself, that one.
Probably half the reason most of the folks are still here. Too drunk to leave.
Probably half the reason most of the folks are still here. Too drunk to leave.
Rhu: Ah. I know that feeling. So why did Hodgesons put a graft on the big tree? And who is he? Or she?
 
Ekka: Genri Hodgeson's boys. They were drunk, thought it'd be funny.
RHU
Nobody expected it to survive, of course, but they had a bit of magic what made it work.
Ah. I know that feeling. So why did Hodgesons put a graft on the big tree? And who is he? Or she?
Radek: What is it supposed to do?
 
Ekka: Do?
EKKA
It was a prank!
Genri Hodgeson's boys. They were drunk, thought it'd be funny. Nobody expected it to survive, of course, but they had a bit of magic what made it work at the time.
At least I think it was a prank.
Tree itself'd been dead as long as anyone remembers. Rest were fine before this, but now they all look the same.
Probably a prank.
 
Rhu: It seems to be ... interacting with the rift somehow. Do you know where the pool of water that the rift is immersed in comes from?
RHU
Ekka: You mean besides groundwater?
Hmm, I wonder if the rift chose it, then. And why...
Rain was sparse even before, but the land has its own water.
 
Rhu: It ... vanished of its own accord yesterday. And then reappeared. And the rift seemed to be scared of it. If rifts can know fear.
RADEK
Ekka: Which, conveniently, all got poisoned.
What is it supposed to do?
Vanished, eh?
 
Did you magic it somehow?
EKKA
Rhu: Nope. Well. The paladin fell in. He was maybe a bit magical.
Do? It was a prank! At least I think it was a prank. Probably a prank.
Ekka: Fell in?
 
That's dangerous magic. Dark.
RHU
Amadi: He's not dead, you know. Not here, but not dead.
It seems to be... interacting with the rift somehow. Do you know where the pool of water that the rift is immersed in comes from?
Rhu: Yay!
 
Amadi: Or does dead just mean 'not here'?
EKKA
Are you dead? Are you here?
You mean besides groundwater? Rain was sparse even before, but the land has its own water.
Fuzzy little world.
Which, conveniently, all got poisoned.
The Gravedigger: In my experience dead is lying at the bottom of the hole.
 
And not getting out.
RHU
Ever.
It... vanished of its own accord yesterday. And then reappeared. And the rift seemed to be scared of it. If rifts can know fear.
Amadi: How strange for you.
 
Ekka snorts.
EKKA
Radek: Looks like we're going back to investigate.
Vanished, eh? Did you magic it somehow?
Rhu: Would you like to come with us to the rift? Perhaps you can tell us something about the dark magic of the mysterious pool.
 
The Gravedigger: Let's throw random things at it and see what happens.
RHU
Rhu: That is a most excellent plan.
Nope. Well. The paladin fell in. He was maybe a bit magical.
Ekka: Argh, really?
 
EKKA
Fell in? That's dangerous magic. Dark.
 
AMADI
He's not dead, you know. Not here, but not dead.
 
RHU
Yay!
 
AMADI
Or does dead just mean 'not here'? Are you dead? Are you here?
 
THE GRAVEDIGGER
In my experience dead is lying at the bottom of the hole. And not getting out. Ever.
 
AMADI
How strange for you.
 
Ekka snorts with laughter.
 
RADEK
Looks like we're going back to investigate.
Would you like us to simply take you there? It would hardly require much time. We have a vehicle capable of flight.
 
EKKA
Argh, really?
You barge into my house, you interrogate me, and now you want to kidnap me too? Is there no end?
You barge into my house, you interrogate me, and now you want to kidnap me too? Is there no end?
The Gravedigger: Who talked about kidnapping?
 
Is everyone in this place insane?
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Rhu: ...
Who talked about kidnapping? Is everyone in this place insane?
The Gravedigger: Come on, guys.
Come on, guys. I don't see us finding anything useful here. Everyone is just mental.
I don't see us finding anything useful here.
 
Everyone is just mental.
EKKA
Ekka: I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
Dunno what good it'll do you.
 
Amadi: It's a different Hazz. That's what's wrong.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
This one's a different one.
Let's throw random things at it and see what happens.
I mean, it's all Hazz, but there's different heads. Like a spider.
 
But what's wrong about it?
RHU
The oranges?
That is a most excellent plan.
Rhu: Oranges?
 
AMADI
It's a different Hazz. That's what's wrong. This one's a different one. I mean, it's all Hazz, but there's different heads. Like a spider. But what's wrong about it? The oranges?
 
RHU
Oranges?
 
AMADI
Purple ones.
 
The Gravedigger sighs.
The Gravedigger sighs.
Amadi: Purple ones.
 
The Gravedigger: Let's just go fire lasers at the rift or something.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Standing here talking to the mad midget isn't gonna help us solve this.
Let's just go fire lasers at the rift or something. Standing here talking to the mad midget isn't gonna help us solve this.
Radek: Agreed.
 
Rhu: Completely agree with heading to the rift. I think we should bring these two along, though I'm willing to be overruled.
RADEK
The Gravedigger: What for?
Agreed.
Drop the midget in and see what happens?
 
SHe has some form of teleportation or space-bending power.
RHU
Radek: I've heard worse ideas.
Completely agree with heading to the rift. I think we should bring these two along, though I'm willing to be overruled.
The Gravedigger: Come on, little lady.
 
Rhu waves vaguely and mutter something about insight and perception checks
THE GRAVEDIGGER
The Gravedigger: Let's go do some hole science.
What for? Drop the midget in and see what happens? She has some form of teleportation or space-bending power.
Frezak (GM): I don't see what I'd perceive and my insight sucks.
 
Gaurav: No, I meant they might have higher insight and perception than us. Or history, for that matter. Since we've already looked at it; instead of looking at it again, we should get other people to look at it. It might do nothing, in which case we're right back where we started, but it might help.
RADEK
Frezak (GM): I have banging perception, man.
I've heard worse ideas.
Really.
 
I can roll +19 every 5 minutes.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Gaurav: WOAH
Come on, little lady. Let's go do some hole science.
okay
 
Amadi: I've done hole science. Wound up sinking the city.
AMADI
Frezak (GM): And Rp-wise, the old woman doesn't seem to know anything or particularly want to help.
I've done hole science. Wound up sinking the city.
And Amadi.. well. >.>
 
She just gibbering.
RHU
Gaurav: well, then, leave them behind and go see what these level 2 eyes can see?
Thank you for your help, Guardian Ekka and Mrs. Teatime. We shall head to the rift ourselves, see what we can learn, and report back to you when we can. Thank you for your help!
Frezak (GM): Yeah
 
Gaurav: Rhu is religious, he's fascinated by people who gibber.
Rhu shakes their hands and heads off.
Frezak (GM): And try some more active stuff with the rift.
 
Lasers, magic....
EKKA
Gaurav: And I personally find their gibbering entertaining, but maybe that's just me.
Uh-huh.
Apheori (GM): Mind your time.
 
Frezak (GM): It's entertaining, but not helping our characters get anywhere.
The Gravedigger just clomps after Rhu. Radek does similar, no farewells, just grumbling, and Amadi follows.
Gaurav: Hee I'm on it
</screenplay>
Frezak (GM): Gravy has a job to do. he'd like to get it done.
Gaurav: Counting down all the things I need to push to 4:45pm instead of doing them now >.>
fair enough
Ganelon: Onwards, then?
Frezak (GM): Yarr
Ganelon: I don't think our solution will be found at the rift itself, but clues... perhaps.
Frezak (GM): Yarr.
Rhu: Thank you for your help, Guardian Ekka and Mrs. Teatime. We shall head to the rift ourselves, see what we can learn, and report back to you when we can. Thank you for your help!
Rhu shakes everybody's hand and heads to CAR
Ekka: Uh-huh.
Frezak (GM): I'm just gonna clomp out.
Ganelon: Likewise.
Amadi follows.
Ganelon: No farewells. Just grumbling.
Gaurav: Okay, that's time for me, I'm afraid! Sorry to bail out. If you keep going, remember that you get +1 perception when within 5 spaces of Rhu, and that I can do 1d20+12 perception checks or 1d20+8 religion (including half-levels)
Frezak (GM): Oh, so... +20 perception then.
Whoo.
Apheori (GM): We should call it. I need to pack and stuff.
Frezak (GM): righ
Gaurav: okay
byeeeeeee
Bear Soup Guy: Adios!
Apheori (GM): Should we do tuesday?
Frezak (GM): Provisionally.
I don't know what I'm doing next Tuesday yet.
Bear Soup Guy: I'll probably be free
Ganelon: I almost certainly will.
Apheori (GM): Okay.
Let's aim for that, then. And if it's a no, just... let everyone know or something.
Frezak (GM): I'll probably know before this week is done.
</pre>


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Latest revision as of 18:06, 9 April 2015

≪ PreviousNext ≫
Session 7 (raw log) (Overview)
INT. Hughenden inn - morning
The party congregates back in the main room of the inn downstairs. Four bowls of slightly less congealed porridge than the last time have been left out for them.
Rhu is ever so slightly hungover, the way a delivery truck is ever so slightly heavy. In fact he looks a bit like death. Whereas Radek and the Gravedigger look perfectly normal.
Greibel stumbles groggily down the stairs and joins the others.
GREIBEL
Hero time...
RADEK
Oh, you're awake.
Greibel stares incredulously at Radek while taking a bong hit.
Amadi just randomly appeared behind Greibel.
AMADI
That'll make you live, you know.
GREIBEL
Hmmm. Oh hey, it's the time lady.
RHU
Time wha?
AMADI
(looking around)
What? Where?
Greibel points playfully at Amadi
AMADI
Do you see that?
GREIBEL
You, silly!
RHU
Ow. Hi. Sandwich Lady, right? Ow.
Greibel offers Amadi the bong. She reaches out to touch it and then suddenly vanishes as soon as she does.
Greibel turns bemusedly to Radek.
GREIBEL
She's been smoking some good stuff, man.
RHU
Where did she go?
RADEK
I'm almost surprised that you haven't had enough of people disappearing in front of us.
...Almost.
Amadi walks out of a wall and then sits down next to Rhu.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Oh, hello small lady.
AMADI
Hi! Are you the mystery?
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Doubt it.
RADEK
His mind's no grand puzzle, that's for sure. The answer is shovels.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Shovels solve many things. Also spades.
AMADI
(to Radek)
And you? You don't look anything like a shovel. Unless you do.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
No. He isn't a shovel.
AMADI
Shovels take many forms. Like spiders.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
I have seen many shovels. And I can say with certainty that Radek is not a shovel. Or a trowel.
Amadi steals an unattended porridge and digs in.
GREIBEL
He's more like the Silver Surfer.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
The what? Are you on drugs again? Still? Nevermind.
Greibel smiles.
AMADI
Not hardly. Silver Surfer's silver, for one.
GREIBEL
Fair enough.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
So what are our plans for today?
RHU
Why do you keep vanishing and reappearing, Sandwich Lady? It hurts my head.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
MAGIC.
Radek inspects his new eyebot curiously.
RADEK
I don't remember as much about how I made this as I'd like.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Can't you... take it apart to see how you did it?
GREIBEL
Does it shoot lasers?
RADEK
Of course it shoots lasers, and of course I could take it apart.
AMADI
Oh, Kerrin, I'm not your head.
Amadi pats Rhu's head.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Hey! The eyebot is the mystery! It's the robot floating eye that fires lasers. That's the mystery.
GREIBEL
Sounds like a mystery.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
I solved the mystery about what the mystery is! Is there a prize?
Radek sighs heavily.
The Gravedigger pats Radek.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
You can solve the next one.
RHU
(to Amadi)
I don't think we've been introduced. I am Rhu, an Avenger in the service of Hazz'ridan, the creator of dead ends.
AMADI
Creator? Dead ends aren't created.
This ham tastes like soap.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
What ham?
GREIBEL
That's porridge, silly lady. That's porridge.
AMADI
Looks like ham to me.
RHU
Dead ends come from Hazz'ridan and in the end return to him. I read that on the internet.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
You got your religion from the Internet? Online Avenger degree? Cool.
RHU
The Maze of Hazz'ridan where I was given my implement and training didn't talk about the beginnings of ends. I had to figure that out for myself.
AMADI
Wear it. Wear it like you mean it. It's not a maze unless you WEAR IT!
Amadi suddenly stands on her chair and towers over Rhu.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
You sound even crazier than Rhu. He says a lot of rubbish.
RHU
WOAH!
(indicating his holy symbol, which he is indeed wearing)
Do you mean this?
THE GRAVEDIGGER
No offense, Rhu.
Amadi sits gracefully.
AMADI
No.
RHU
None taken, Gravy. Hazz'ridan the Great showed us great mercy yesterday, and he is with us in our quest. I shall have a chance to learn many, many truths at his feet before I return home, of this I am certain. Where's the salt?
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Check behind the bar.
AMADI
Try the gravy.
Amadi leans forward and grabs Rhu's implement.
Rhu tries to grab it back
RHU
Hey! I need that!
GREIBEL
Two enter. Only ONE shall leave!
AMADI
No you don't. Your faith is your own. Your items are mine. Always mine. Forever mine. You enter my dreams and you are mine, and aren't you here now? Yes, yes, I think you are. So you're mine. Mine, mine, mine.
Rhu lets go of his implement.
RHU
(awestruck)
Who are you?
Amadi stares at it and turns it over in her hands.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Yeah, that's crazy and creepy.
GREIBEL
I'm with you, brother.
Greibel casually eats the porridge anyway, and tries feeding some to Rasputin.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Isn't that cannibalism?
The porridge declines.
GREIBEL
Hmmph. Worth a shot. What does porridge eat, anyway?
Rasputin jiggles a bit in an attempt to answer.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Booze?
RADEK
Fanged peas.
GREIBEL
Oh, right!
Greibel gives Rasputin a suspiciously still intact fanged pea. The porridge tries to grab it, but the pea jitters away across the floor.
Rasputin gives chase, hitting the floor with a splat before bouncing after it.
GREIBEL
Good boy!
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Ew.
AMADI
That looks painful.
RHU
(to Amadi)
What did you mean by all that "My items are yours" stuff?
AMADI
(leaning toward Rhu)
Oh, Kerrin, you're here. You need to ask?
THE GRAVEDIGGER
You're not a thief, are you? Because Rhu kind of needs his stuff.
AMADI
Thief? THIEF?! Why, yes, actually, I am. But not of things. Never of things. Things are cheap. Things die. Fade. Change. Disappear. Not things.
(she holds up the implement)
This is wrong. I've never seen it like this before.
RHU
Who is Kerrin? And what is your name?
AMADI
You're Kerrin, of course! And I'm... oh, I dunno. Dira?
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Rhu is Kerrin? Like... a play?
AMADI
No, that's not right. She was Dira.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
People acting parts?
RHU
I'm Rhu.
AMADI
I'm someone else.
RADEK
What do you know?
AMADI
Besides the atomic weight of tofu?
RADEK
Specifically, about the rift?
AMADI
What rift? Was there a rift? Not Riften, I hope. Or do you men The Rift? Isn't that a county near Wyzima? Saleus Neloth.
RHU
I'm not Kerrin. Who is Kerrin? Why did you call me that?
Amadi doesn't answer and just stares off into space, fiddling with the implement.
RADEK
Nothing, then. Another victim of its influence, most likely.
RHU
(to the others)
What's going on here? I'm Rhu.
RADEK
Yes, you are.
Radek begins to tinker with his new eyebot.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Well, the little lady is crazy.
The porridge on the floor slowly draws itself back together and then squelch-bounces its way back to Greibel's shoulder.
Greibel pets it.
The porridge purrs.
RHU
(to Amadi)
So... you're not Dira?
AMADI
Who's Dira?
RHU
You just said you weren't Dira. "She was Dira", you said.
AMADI
Who was?
RHU
You weren't clear on that point. It sounds like you're not entirely sure what your name is. I... It feels rude to refer to you as Sandwich Lady all the time. Do you not have any other name I could use?
AMADI
Of course I have other names. Don't be ridiculous. Who goes around with only one name? Even waking, it'd be crazy!
RHU
What may we call you, then?
AMADI
Call me Teatime. Or Dave. Or Amadi. Or whatever!
GREIBEL
Hi Dave!
AMADI
Hi!
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Sure, Crazy lady.
Greibel waves.
Amadi waves back.
RHU
Teatime? Like... a time for a drink with jam and bread?
AMADI
Not at all. Like the time between liver and spleen. The time between notes when you wonder if you are alive or dead, dreaming or waking.
The time between the light, when you do not know whether this is daydream or nightmare, waking or dreaming.
RHU
Right. Miss... Missus? Teatime, then. Would you like to come with us and see a rift?
AMADI
Is it pretty?
RADEK
No, it's quite horrible.
RHU
It's got a dead tree on it.
AMADI
Is it HER dead tree?
THE GRAVEDIGGER
And some water.
AMADI
The dead tree behind the statue, perhaps?
RHU
But that tree has a light tree growing on it, which we were hoping Greibel could have a poke at, since it might be druid magic.
The water's quite pretty, actually.
RADEK
I have some of it.
RHU
We should head out to the rift. Who knows when Mrs. Teatime will vanish again, and she might know something about it that eludes us.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
If she does, how would we know?
RADEK
Asking her seems out of the question.
Greibel stands up abruptly and screams for a few seconds.
Then he sits back down and acts as if it didn't happen.
Amadi taps her nose and points at Greibel, then likewise acts as though nothing had happened.
AMADI
The question is the question. Ask, or you will never know. Porridge knows, but nobody ever asks...
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Yeah, that. I don't think she's gonna be any use.
Just spouting endless Zens at us.
RHU
She's the only thing on this planet that appears and disappears mysteriously on this planet, if you don't count the falling anvils.
She's a link to the weirdness of Sarathi. Possibly. Unless she's just weird of her own accord, which seems... likely.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
But we can't get anything useful out of her.
GREIBEL
Dave, will I ever find true love?
Amadi stops and looks at Greibel.
AMADI
No. I'm sorry, but no.
Greibel sulks.
AMADI
It's for the best, really. The lovers hurt more than the rest.
GREIBEL
Are the lovers armed?
AMADI
They can be armed.
RHU
Hang on.
(to Amadi)
What do you mean, Porridge knows? And it's not "Porridge", it's "Rasputin". It has a name.
(to Gravy)
The rift might interact with her in interesting ways. Or vice versa. Anywho, we have a seat spare.
AMADI
The Gravedigger won't be.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
What?
AMADI
With your love. He wanted love.
(indicating Greibel)
Blame him. Asking answers. He should be asking questions!
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Nooo, I think i'll blame the crazy person that never makes sense.
GREIBEL
Hummm...
AMADI
Which one? Sense can be made out of anything. You just need a knife. Or a shovel.
GREIBEL
(whispering to Amadi)
He's really a nice guy when you get to know him.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
So, Radek. What are we doing today? Other than spectating.
RADEK
We need to gather information.
RHU
We could poke around the village and look for someone who knows more about the trees and the rift and the pool. We thought yesterday that druid magic might be involved; someone might know the druid what done it.
RADEK
If you think Greibel can be of use, it's only a short drive to the tree.
GREIBEL
(continuing)
But Radek isn't. He really is that bad.
AMADI
(to Greibel)
And will you say that about me someday too?
GREIBEL
That depends. Do you like lava lamps?
AMADI
(counting off on her fingers)
Six lava lamps, four screens, two potted trees, and a big old yucca.
RADEK
Nobody asked for your opinion, Greibel.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Might as well poke about here while we can, then. Though these willagers don't seem to be very useful.
RHU
Well, we can talk to them now. And they're probably all superimpressed by Radek after his intravenous drinking last night.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
I'm not sure they understand the perils of intravenous drinking. They probably don't understand what livers do.
The innkeeper walks in and sees the group.
INNKEEPER
Oh, good morning.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Hello Miss Innkeep.
The Gravedigger waves.
RHU
They seemed impressed, especially the inn... oh, hello!
RADEK
You would think my technical skills would be more impressive, but no. All it takes to make this lot cheer is the capacity to endure alcohol.
The innkeeper waves vaguely and heads into another room.
RADEK
Hmph.
RHU
Wait! Do you know any druids around here?
The innkeeper looks back.
INNKEEPER
Druids? If you mean the Guardians, we've only Ekka.
(indicating the direction)
She lives down the way if you need a consult.
The innkeeper ducks out of the common room.
RHU
To Ekka's!
(to Amadi)
Are you coming?
AMADI
Are you going?
RHU
I am.
AMADI
Well, go on then.
RHU
(nodding)
We'll see you later.
RADEK
Much later, I should hope.
GREIBEL
Have fun, Dave!
Greibel waves.
Amadi follows anyway, still fiddling with Rhu's implement, holding it up to the light, turning it over, trying to figure it out.


EXT. Hughenden Guardian's house - morning
It's a house.
Rhu knocks on the door, but gets no response.
Greibel sings "You keep-a knockin' but you caaaaan't come in!"
Rhu knocks again.
The Gravedigger knocks too.
RHU
...something tells me that before we just walk into a house belonging to somebody called a Guardian, it might be wise to check for boobytraps.
GREIBEL
Hey now. I'm a Guardian and I've never trapped anyone's boobies.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
HEEELOOOOOO? GUARDIAN PERSON?
Amadi pushes past, taps the implement to the door, and then opens it and goes in.
There's a clunk from somewhere inside.
Then a startled yell.
Amadi

(from inside)

Hello, Guardian person, good morning, good day, good morrow, can we borrow your wisdom please?
Greibel pats the Gravedigger on the arm.
GREIBEL
It was a good try
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Thanks, Greibel.
The others head in after.


INT. Hughenden Guardian's house - morning
They find Amadi standing over a woman who appears to have half-fallen out of bed, apparently Ekka. She also turns out to be the same villager woman they had initially encountered and failed to talk to upon their arrival due to language issues.
RHU
We apologize for Mrs. Teatime there, Guardian Ekka. She's... enthusiastic.
EKKA
What... Teatime?
Ekka picks herself up and glares down at Amadi.
EKKA
What are you doing in my house?
AMADI
Asking answers. Do you have them? They think you have them. I don't think they do.
RHU
No, it's morning. Breakfast time. But that is Mrs. Teatime.
He indicates Amadi.
EKKA
Right. What do you need?
(she glances down at herself)
Well, no. First, let me get dressed. Out, all of you.
Ekka shoos everyone out.


EXT. Hughenden Guardian's porch - morning
RHU
...did any of us bother to take a photograph of the rift? Maybe Radek has something from the camera on his eye-robot thing?
RADEK
No.
After a bit, Ekka comes out onto the porch as well, followed by Amadi, who apparently didn't actually leave before.
EKKA
Okay, what?
RHU
Guardian Ekka, we come from Sarathi through paths unclear. We have been investigating the rift that lurks under the large dead tree near here. On the tree, we spied a small tree alight with light which appeared to be guarding the rift. Or against it.
Do any of these things make sense to you? Because we are fair flummoxed.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Very flummoxed.
RHU
We also sent a robot through the rift. It saw a beach and Sarathi and what looks like a huge rift 'twixt universes. I don't know what we can do about that, but my lord Hazz'ridan the Wonderful demands that we close it, on this planet at least, so that is what we aim to do.
AMADI
Wonderful!
EKKA
You mean the hole? With the really big tree over it.
RHU
That's the one.
AMADI
(muttering)
Oh, he is wonderful. Wonderful like you wouldn't believe. Really, I do want to see if you believe it. See it with eyes. Never seen it with eyes.
RHU
He gave us our sanity yesterday right before we were destroyed by the forces of darkness that lurked in the pool of water that the rift is immersed in.
He is truly wonderful.
EKKA
What do you want me to do, explain the world to you?
RHU
Yes.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
That would be great.
RADEK
Yes, I would appreciate that.
Ekka sighs tiredly.
EKKA
I don't know where you lot are from, but around these parts things don't exactly work that way. I'll spell this out for you.
We... don't... know.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Well that's no fun.
EKKA
The hole appeared. The land died.
Well, died more than usual. Summers always kill it. But it didn't come back this time.
RHU
When was that?
EKKA
Three years past.
Salt's kept the town going since, but the water's toxic. Nothing grows, except what grows wrong.
And strangers come through from time to time. Mostly harmless, some mad, some confused, but they don't hunger for the land here, at least.
RADEK
We found safe water far to the southwest. Or, apparently safe. These three seem healthy enough.
EKKA
Aye, the effect is fortunately relatively localised. For now, at least.
If Sanessee is any indication, this may not remain the case.
RHU
Sanessee?
EKKA
Sanessee has another such hole, though different. Opened up some 200 years ago, and slowly grew ever since. Broke the land. And spread.
RADEK
Would it happen to have opened up near a beach?
EKKA
Sanessee is a valley in the Darian highlands.
So no.
RHU
Why are there no children in this town?
EKKA
The children... are gone.
They were the most susceptible, and before we realised what was happening...
RADEK
We're looking for a way to close these holes... or vacate the planet, if you know of one.
EKKA
Close them? You might as well look for a way to move an ocean.
AMADI
You can move oceans. Hide mountains. Close black holes. These holes don't seem black. Unless they are.
RADEK
Consider yourself fortunate that they are not.
AMADI
Anything's possible.
RADEK
We would all be obliterated.
RHU
I think they're kind of... shimmery.
EKKA
Well, if you find a way, that'd be something. Don't expect anyone to hold their breath.
AMADI
I made a shimmery once. It looked a little like this.
(she holds up Rhu's implement)
Wrong.
RHU
Thank you for this information, Guardian Ekka. Alas, our departure seems indefinitely postponed due to my God's insistence that we find a way to close this hole. With his help, we shall surely move an ocean.
Was the tree dead before the hole appeared? When did the litte tree start growing on the big one?
EKKA
The Ancient? Which tree?
RHU
Tell us about both trees.
EKKA
What trees?
The Ancient is a legend, said to die with the passing of the world. But you're asking about a real tree, aren't you?
RHU
The large tree growing on the rift, and the little tree growing on the large tree.
EKKA
The silly graft Hodgesons put there is still alive?
RHU
Ah! That sounds like it, yeah. What's that all about?
EKKA
Shalott. What else?
RHU
Shalott?
EKKA
You haven't tried it? Our gal makes... well, I wouldn't say it's the best, but it's certainly strong. She came back from the big city and really made a place for herself, that one.
Probably half the reason most of the folks are still here. Too drunk to leave.
RHU
Ah. I know that feeling. So why did Hodgesons put a graft on the big tree? And who is he? Or she?
EKKA
Genri Hodgeson's boys. They were drunk, thought it'd be funny. Nobody expected it to survive, of course, but they had a bit of magic what made it work at the time.
Tree itself'd been dead as long as anyone remembers. Rest were fine before this, but now they all look the same.
RHU
Hmm, I wonder if the rift chose it, then. And why...
RADEK
What is it supposed to do?
EKKA
Do? It was a prank! At least I think it was a prank. Probably a prank.
RHU
It seems to be... interacting with the rift somehow. Do you know where the pool of water that the rift is immersed in comes from?
EKKA
You mean besides groundwater? Rain was sparse even before, but the land has its own water.
Which, conveniently, all got poisoned.
RHU
It... vanished of its own accord yesterday. And then reappeared. And the rift seemed to be scared of it. If rifts can know fear.
EKKA
Vanished, eh? Did you magic it somehow?
RHU
Nope. Well. The paladin fell in. He was maybe a bit magical.
EKKA
Fell in? That's dangerous magic. Dark.
AMADI
He's not dead, you know. Not here, but not dead.
RHU
Yay!
AMADI
Or does dead just mean 'not here'? Are you dead? Are you here?
THE GRAVEDIGGER
In my experience dead is lying at the bottom of the hole. And not getting out. Ever.
AMADI
How strange for you.
Ekka snorts with laughter.
RADEK
Looks like we're going back to investigate.
Would you like us to simply take you there? It would hardly require much time. We have a vehicle capable of flight.
EKKA
Argh, really?
You barge into my house, you interrogate me, and now you want to kidnap me too? Is there no end?
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Who talked about kidnapping? Is everyone in this place insane?
Come on, guys. I don't see us finding anything useful here. Everyone is just mental.
EKKA
I'm kidding.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Let's throw random things at it and see what happens.
RHU
That is a most excellent plan.
AMADI
It's a different Hazz. That's what's wrong. This one's a different one. I mean, it's all Hazz, but there's different heads. Like a spider. But what's wrong about it? The oranges?
RHU
Oranges?
AMADI
Purple ones.
The Gravedigger sighs.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Let's just go fire lasers at the rift or something. Standing here talking to the mad midget isn't gonna help us solve this.
RADEK
Agreed.
RHU
Completely agree with heading to the rift. I think we should bring these two along, though I'm willing to be overruled.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
What for? Drop the midget in and see what happens? She has some form of teleportation or space-bending power.
RADEK
I've heard worse ideas.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Come on, little lady. Let's go do some hole science.
AMADI
I've done hole science. Wound up sinking the city.
RHU
Thank you for your help, Guardian Ekka and Mrs. Teatime. We shall head to the rift ourselves, see what we can learn, and report back to you when we can. Thank you for your help!
Rhu shakes their hands and heads off.
EKKA
Uh-huh.
The Gravedigger just clomps after Rhu. Radek does similar, no farewells, just grumbling, and Amadi follows.


≪ PreviousNext ≫
Session 7 (Overview)
Retrieved from ‘https://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Holes/Session_7&oldid=3126’

Who are you? I'm the answer. Look. Why are you here? You believe in reason above all else. There must be a reason. You have something to tell me. Yes. Who am I? That's asking, not telling. Who are you? You know who I am.