Holes/Session 7

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Session 7 (raw log) (Overview)

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INT. Hughenden inn - morning

The party congregates back in the main room of the inn downstairs. Four bowls of slightly less congealed porridge than the last time have been left out for them.

Rhu is ever so slightly hungover, the way a delivery truck is ever so slightly heavy. In fact he looks a bit like death. Whereas Radek and the Gravedigger look perfectly normal.

Greibel stumbles groggily down the stairs and joins the others.

GREIBEL

Hero time...

RADEK

Oh, you're awake.

Greibel stares incredulously at Radek while taking a bong hit.

Amadi just randomly appeared behind Greibel.

AMADI

That'll make you live, you know.

GREIBEL

Hmmm. Oh hey, it's the time lady.

RHU

Time wha?

AMADI

(looking around)

What? Where?

Greibel points playfully at Amadi

AMADI

Do you see that?

GREIBEL

You, silly!

RHU

Ow. Hi. Sandwich Lady, right? Ow.

Greibel offers Amadi the bong. She reaches out to touch it and then suddenly vanishes as soon as she does.

Greibel turns bemusedly to Radek.

GREIBEL

She's been smoking some good stuff, man.

RHU

Where did she go?

RADEK

I'm almost surprised that you haven't had enough of people disappearing in front of us.

...Almost.

Amadi walks out of a wall and then sits down next to Rhu.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Oh, hello small lady.

AMADI

Hi! Are you the mystery?

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Doubt it.

RADEK

His mind's no grand puzzle, that's for sure. The answer is shovels.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Shovels solve many things. Also spades.

AMADI

(to Radek)

And you? You don't look anything like a shovel. Unless you do.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

No. He isn't a shovel.

AMADI

Shovels take many forms. Like spiders.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

I have seen many shovels. And I can say with certainty that Radek is not a shovel. Or a trowel.

Amadi steals an unattended porridge and digs in.

GREIBEL

He's more like the Silver Surfer.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

The what? Are you on drugs again? Still? Nevermind.

Greibel smiles.

AMADI

Not hardly. Silver Surfer's silver, for one.

GREIBEL

Fair enough.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

So what are our plans for today?

RHU

Why do you keep vanishing and reappearing, Sandwich Lady? It hurts my head.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

MAGIC.

Radek inspects his new eyebot curiously.

RADEK

I don't remember as much about how I made this as I'd like.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Can't you... take it apart to see how you did it?

GREIBEL

Does it shoot lasers?

RADEK

Of course it shoots lasers, and of course I could take it apart.

AMADI

Oh, Kerrin, I'm not your head.

Amadi pats Rhu's head.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Hey! The eyebot is the mystery! It's the robot floating eye that fires lasers. That's the mystery.

GREIBEL

Sounds like a mystery.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

I solved the mystery about what the mystery is! Is there a prize?

Radek sighs heavily.

The Gravedigger pats Radek.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

You can solve the next one.

RHU

(to Amadi)

I don't think we've been introduced. I am Rhu, an Avenger in the service of Hazz'ridan, the creator of dead ends.

AMADI

Creator? Dead ends aren't created.

This ham tastes like soap.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

What ham?

GREIBEL

That's porridge, silly lady. That's porridge.

AMADI

Looks like ham to me.

RHU

Dead ends come from Hazz'ridan and in the end return to him. I read that on the internet.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

You got your religion from the Internet? Online Avenger degree? Cool.

RHU

The Maze of Hazz'ridan where I was given my implement and training didn't talk about the beginnings of ends. I had to figure that out for myself.

AMADI

Wear it. Wear it like you mean it. It's not a maze unless you WEAR IT!

Amadi suddenly stands on her chair and towers over Rhu.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

You sound even crazier than Rhu. He says a lot of rubbish.

RHU

WOAH!

(indicating his holy symbol, which he is indeed wearing)

Do you mean this?

THE GRAVEDIGGER

No offense, Rhu.

Amadi sits gracefully.

AMADI

No.

RHU

None taken, Gravy. Hazz'ridan the Great showed us great mercy yesterday, and he is with us in our quest. I shall have a chance to learn many, many truths at his feet before I return home, of this I am certain. Where's the salt?

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Check behind the bar.

AMADI

Try the gravy.

Amadi leans forward and grabs Rhu's implement.

Rhu tries to grab it back

RHU

Hey! I need that!

GREIBEL

Two enter. Only ONE shall leave!

AMADI

No you don't. Your faith is your own. Your items are mine. Always mine. Forever mine. You enter my dreams and you are mine, and aren't you here now? Yes, yes, I think you are. So you're mine. Mine, mine, mine.

Rhu lets go of his implement.

RHU

(awestruck)

Who are you?

Amadi stares at it and turns it over in her hands.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Yeah, that's crazy and creepy.

GREIBEL

I'm with you, brother.

Greibel casually eats the porridge anyway, and tries feeding some to Rasputin.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Isn't that cannibalism?

The porridge declines.

GREIBEL

Hmmph. Worth a shot. What does porridge eat, anyway?

Rasputin jiggles a bit in an attempt to answer.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Booze?

RADEK

Fanged peas.

GREIBEL

Oh, right!

Greibel gives Rasputin a suspiciously still intact fanged pea. The porridge tries to grab it, but the pea jitters away across the floor.

Rasputin gives chase, hitting the floor with a splat before bouncing after it.

GREIBEL

Good boy!

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Ew.

AMADI

That looks painful.

RHU

(to Amadi)

What did you mean by all that "My items are yours" stuff?

AMADI

(leaning toward Rhu)

Oh, Kerrin, you're here. You need to ask?

THE GRAVEDIGGER

You're not a thief, are you? Because Rhu kind of needs his stuff.

AMADI

Thief? THIEF?! Why, yes, actually, I am. But not of things. Never of things. Things are cheap. Things die. Fade. Change. Disappear. Not things.

(she holds up the implement)

This is wrong. I've never seen it like this before.

RHU

Who is Kerrin? And what is your name?

AMADI

You're Kerrin, of course! And I'm... oh, I dunno. Dira?

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Rhu is Kerrin? Like... a play?

AMADI

No, that's not right. She was Dira.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

People acting parts?

RHU

I'm Rhu.

AMADI

I'm someone else.

RADEK

What do you know?

AMADI

Besides the atomic weight of tofu?

RADEK

Specifically, about the rift?

AMADI

What rift? Was there a rift? Not Riften, I hope. Or do you men The Rift? Isn't that a county near Wyzima? Saleus Neloth.

RHU

I'm not Kerrin. Who is Kerrin? Why did you call me that?

Amadi doesn't answer and just stares off into space, fiddling with the implement.

RADEK

Nothing, then. Another victim of its influence, most likely.

RHU

(to the others)

What's going on here? I'm Rhu.

RADEK

Yes, you are.

Radek begins to tinker with his new eyebot.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Well, the little lady is crazy.

The porridge on the floor slowly draws itself back together and then squelch-bounces its way back to Greibel's shoulder.

Greibel pets it.

The porridge purrs.

RHU

(to Amadi)

So... you're not Dira?

AMADI

Who's Dira?

RHU

You just said you weren't Dira. "She was Dira", you said.

AMADI

Who was?

RHU

You weren't clear on that point. It sounds like you're not entirely sure what your name is. I... It feels rude to refer to you as Sandwich Lady all the time. Do you not have any other name I could use?

AMADI

Of course I have other names. Don't be ridiculous. Who goes around with only one name? Even waking, it'd be crazy!

RHU

What may we call you, then?

AMADI

Call me Teatime. Or Dave. Or Amadi. Or whatever!

GREIBEL

Hi Dave!

AMADI

Hi!

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Sure, Crazy lady.

Greibel waves.

Amadi waves back.

RHU

Teatime? Like... a time for a drink with jam and bread?

AMADI

Not at all. Like the time between liver and spleen. The time between notes when you wonder if you are alive or dead, dreaming or waking.

The time between the light, when you do not know whether this is daydream or nightmare, waking or dreaming.

RHU

Right. Miss... Missus? Teatime, then. Would you like to come with us and see a rift?

AMADI

Is it pretty?

RADEK

No, it's quite horrible.

RHU

It's got a dead tree on it.

AMADI

Is it HER dead tree?

THE GRAVEDIGGER

And some water.

AMADI

The dead tree behind the statue, perhaps?

RHU

But that tree has a light tree growing on it, which we were hoping Greibel could have a poke at, since it might be druid magic.

The water's quite pretty, actually.

RADEK

I have some of it.

RHU

We should head out to the rift. Who knows when Mrs. Teatime will vanish again, and she might know something about it that eludes us.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

If she does, how would we know?

RADEK

Asking her seems out of the question.

Greibel stands up abruptly and screams for a few seconds.

Then he sits back down and acts as if it didn't happen.

Amadi taps her nose and points at Greibel, then likewise acts as though nothing had happened.

AMADI

The question is the question. Ask, or you will never know. Porridge knows, but nobody ever asks...

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Yeah, that. I don't think she's gonna be any use.

Just spouting endless Zens at us.

RHU

She's the only thing on this planet that appears and disappears mysteriously on this planet, if you don't count the falling anvils.

She's a link to the weirdness of Sarathi. Possibly. Unless she's just weird of her own accord, which seems... likely.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

But we can't get anything useful out of her.

GREIBEL

Dave, will I ever find true love?

Amadi stops and looks at Greibel.

AMADI

No. I'm sorry, but no.

Greibel sulks.

AMADI

It's for the best, really. The lovers hurt more than the rest.

GREIBEL

Are the lovers armed?

AMADI

They can be armed.

RHU

Hang on.

(to Amadi)

What do you mean, Porridge knows? And it's not "Porridge", it's "Rasputin". It has a name.

(to Gravy)

The rift might interact with her in interesting ways. Or vice versa. Anywho, we have a seat spare.

AMADI

The Gravedigger won't be.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

What?

AMADI

With your love. He wanted love.

(indicating Greibel)

Blame him. Asking answers. He should be asking questions!

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Nooo, I think i'll blame the crazy person that never makes sense.

GREIBEL

Hummm...

AMADI

Which one? Sense can be made out of anything. You just need a knife. Or a shovel.

GREIBEL

(whispering to Amadi)

He's really a nice guy when you get to know him.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

So, Radek. What are we doing today? Other than spectating.

RADEK

We need to gather information.

RHU

We could poke around the village and look for someone who knows more about the trees and the rift and the pool. We thought yesterday that druid magic might be involved; someone might know the druid what done it.

RADEK

If you think Greibel can be of use, it's only a short drive to the tree.

GREIBEL

(continuing)

But Radek isn't. He really is that bad.

AMADI

(to Greibel)

And will you say that about me someday too?

GREIBEL

That depends. Do you like lava lamps?

AMADI

(counting off on her fingers)

Six lava lamps, four screens, two potted trees, and a big old yucca.

RADEK

Nobody asked for your opinion, Greibel.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Might as well poke about here while we can, then. Though these willagers don't seem to be very useful.

RHU

Well, we can talk to them now. And they're probably all superimpressed by Radek after his intravenous drinking last night.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

I'm not sure they understand the perils of intravenous drinking. They probably don't understand what livers do.

The innkeeper walks in and sees the group.

INNKEEPER

Oh, good morning.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Hello Miss Innkeep.

The Gravedigger waves.

RHU

They seemed impressed, especially the inn... oh, hello!

RADEK

You would think my technical skills would be more impressive, but no. All it takes to make this lot cheer is the capacity to endure alcohol.

The innkeeper waves vaguely and heads into another room.

RADEK

Hmph.

RHU

Wait! Do you know any druids around here?

The innkeeper looks back.

INNKEEPER

Druids? If you mean the Guardians, we've only Ekka.

(indicating the direction)

She lives down the way if you need a consult.

The innkeeper ducks out of the common room.

RHU

To Ekka's!

(to Amadi)

Are you coming?

AMADI

Are you going?

RHU

I am.

AMADI

Well, go on then.

RHU

(nodding)

We'll see you later.

RADEK

Much later, I should hope.

GREIBEL

Have fun, Dave!

Greibel waves.

Amadi follows anyway, still fiddling with Rhu's implement, holding it up to the light, turning it over, trying to figure it out.

EXT. Hughenden Guardian's house - morning

It's a house.

Rhu knocks on the door, but gets no response.

Greibel sings "You keep-a knockin' but you caaaaan't come in!"

Rhu knocks again.

The Gravedigger knocks too.

RHU

...something tells me that before we just walk into a house belonging to somebody called a Guardian, it might be wise to check for boobytraps.

GREIBEL

Hey now. I'm a Guardian and I've never trapped anyone's boobies.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

HEEELOOOOOO? GUARDIAN PERSON?

Amadi pushes past, taps the implement to the door, and then opens it and goes in.

There's a clunk from somewhere inside.

Then a startled yell.

Amadi

(from inside)

Hello, Guardian person, good morning, good day, good morrow, can we borrow your wisdom please?

Greibel pats the Gravedigger on the arm.

GREIBEL

It was a good try

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Thanks, Greibel.

The others head in after.

INT. Hughenden Guardian's house - morning

They find Amadi standing over a woman who appears to have half-fallen out of bed, apparently Ekka. She also turns out to be the same villager woman they had initially encountered and failed to talk to upon their arrival due to language issues.

RHU

We apologize for Mrs. Teatime there, Guardian Ekka. She's... enthusiastic.

EKKA

What... Teatime?

Ekka picks herself up and glares down at Amadi.

EKKA

What are you doing in my house?

AMADI

Asking answers. Do you have them? They think you have them. I don't think they do.

RHU

No, it's morning. Breakfast time. But that is Mrs. Teatime.

He indicates Amadi.

EKKA

Right. What do you need?

(she glances down at herself)

Well, no. First, let me get dressed. Out, all of you.

Ekka shoos everyone out.

EXT. Hughenden Guardian's porch - morning

RHU

...did any of us bother to take a photograph of the rift? Maybe Radek has something from the camera on his eye-robot thing?

RADEK

No.

After a bit, Ekka comes out onto the porch as well, followed by Amadi, who apparently didn't actually leave before.

EKKA

Okay, what?

RHU

Guardian Ekka, we come from Sarathi through paths unclear. We have been investigating the rift that lurks under the large dead tree near here. On the tree, we spied a small tree alight with light which appeared to be guarding the rift. Or against it.

Do any of these things make sense to you? Because we are fair flummoxed.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Very flummoxed.

RHU

We also sent a robot through the rift. It saw a beach and Sarathi and what looks like a huge rift 'twixt universes. I don't know what we can do about that, but my lord Hazz'ridan the Wonderful demands that we close it, on this planet at least, so that is what we aim to do.

AMADI

Wonderful!

EKKA

You mean the hole? With the really big tree over it.

RHU

That's the one.

AMADI

(muttering)

Oh, he is wonderful. Wonderful like you wouldn't believe. Really, I do want to see if you believe it. See it with eyes. Never seen it with eyes.

RHU

He gave us our sanity yesterday right before we were destroyed by the forces of darkness that lurked in the pool of water that the rift is immersed in.

He is truly wonderful.

EKKA

What do you want me to do, explain the world to you?

RHU

Yes.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

That would be great.

RADEK

Yes, I would appreciate that.

Ekka sighs tiredly.

EKKA

I don't know where you lot are from, but around these parts things don't exactly work that way. I'll spell this out for you.

We... don't... know.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Well that's no fun.

EKKA

The hole appeared. The land died.

Well, died more than usual. Summers always kill it. But it didn't come back this time.

RHU

When was that?

EKKA

Three years past.

Salt's kept the town going since, but the water's toxic. Nothing grows, except what grows wrong.

And strangers come through from time to time. Mostly harmless, some mad, some confused, but they don't hunger for the land here, at least.

RADEK

We found safe water far to the southwest. Or, apparently safe. These three seem healthy enough.

EKKA

Aye, the effect is fortunately relatively localised. For now, at least.

If Sanessee is any indication, this may not remain the case.

RHU

Sanessee?

EKKA

Sanessee has another such hole, though different. Opened up some 200 years ago, and slowly grew ever since. Broke the land. And spread.

RADEK

Would it happen to have opened up near a beach?

EKKA

Sanessee is a valley in the Darian highlands.

So no.

RHU

Why are there no children in this town?

EKKA

The children... are gone.

They were the most susceptible, and before we realised what was happening...

RADEK

We're looking for a way to close these holes... or vacate the planet, if you know of one.

EKKA

Close them? You might as well look for a way to move an ocean.

AMADI

You can move oceans. Hide mountains. Close black holes. These holes don't seem black. Unless they are.

RADEK

Consider yourself fortunate that they are not.

AMADI

Anything's possible.

RADEK

We would all be obliterated.

RHU

I think they're kind of... shimmery.

EKKA

Well, if you find a way, that'd be something. Don't expect anyone to hold their breath.

AMADI

I made a shimmery once. It looked a little like this.

(she holds up Rhu's implement)

Wrong.

RHU

Thank you for this information, Guardian Ekka. Alas, our departure seems indefinitely postponed due to my God's insistence that we find a way to close this hole. With his help, we shall surely move an ocean.

Was the tree dead before the hole appeared? When did the litte tree start growing on the big one?

EKKA

The Ancient? Which tree?

RHU

Tell us about both trees.

EKKA

What trees?

The Ancient is a legend, said to die with the passing of the world. But you're asking about a real tree, aren't you?

RHU

The large tree growing on the rift, and the little tree growing on the large tree.

EKKA

The silly graft Hodgesons put there is still alive?

RHU

Ah! That sounds like it, yeah. What's that all about?

EKKA

Shalott. What else?

RHU

Shalott?

EKKA

You haven't tried it? Our gal makes... well, I wouldn't say it's the best, but it's certainly strong. She came back from the big city and really made a place for herself, that one.

Probably half the reason most of the folks are still here. Too drunk to leave.

RHU

Ah. I know that feeling. So why did Hodgesons put a graft on the big tree? And who is he? Or she?

EKKA

Genri Hodgeson's boys. They were drunk, thought it'd be funny. Nobody expected it to survive, of course, but they had a bit of magic what made it work at the time.

Tree itself'd been dead as long as anyone remembers. Rest were fine before this, but now they all look the same.

RHU

Hmm, I wonder if the rift chose it, then. And why...

RADEK

What is it supposed to do?

EKKA

Do? It was a prank! At least I think it was a prank. Probably a prank.

RHU

It seems to be... interacting with the rift somehow. Do you know where the pool of water that the rift is immersed in comes from?

EKKA

You mean besides groundwater? Rain was sparse even before, but the land has its own water.

Which, conveniently, all got poisoned.

RHU

It... vanished of its own accord yesterday. And then reappeared. And the rift seemed to be scared of it. If rifts can know fear.

EKKA

Vanished, eh? Did you magic it somehow?

RHU

Nope. Well. The paladin fell in. He was maybe a bit magical.

EKKA

Fell in? That's dangerous magic. Dark.

AMADI

He's not dead, you know. Not here, but not dead.

RHU

Yay!

AMADI

Or does dead just mean 'not here'? Are you dead? Are you here?

THE GRAVEDIGGER

In my experience dead is lying at the bottom of the hole. And not getting out. Ever.

AMADI

How strange for you.

Ekka snorts with laughter.

RADEK

Looks like we're going back to investigate.

Would you like us to simply take you there? It would hardly require much time. We have a vehicle capable of flight.

EKKA

Argh, really?

You barge into my house, you interrogate me, and now you want to kidnap me too? Is there no end?

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Who talked about kidnapping? Is everyone in this place insane?

Come on, guys. I don't see us finding anything useful here. Everyone is just mental.

EKKA

I'm kidding.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Let's throw random things at it and see what happens.

RHU

That is a most excellent plan.

AMADI

It's a different Hazz. That's what's wrong. This one's a different one. I mean, it's all Hazz, but there's different heads. Like a spider. But what's wrong about it? The oranges?

RHU

Oranges?

AMADI

Purple ones.

The Gravedigger sighs.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Let's just go fire lasers at the rift or something. Standing here talking to the mad midget isn't gonna help us solve this.

RADEK

Agreed.

RHU

Completely agree with heading to the rift. I think we should bring these two along, though I'm willing to be overruled.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

What for? Drop the midget in and see what happens? She has some form of teleportation or space-bending power.

RADEK

I've heard worse ideas.

THE GRAVEDIGGER

Come on, little lady. Let's go do some hole science.

AMADI

I've done hole science. Wound up sinking the city.

RHU

Thank you for your help, Guardian Ekka and Mrs. Teatime. We shall head to the rift ourselves, see what we can learn, and report back to you when we can. Thank you for your help!

Rhu shakes their hands and heads off.

EKKA

Uh-huh.

The Gravedigger just clomps after Rhu. Radek does similar, no farewells, just grumbling, and Amadi follows.

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≪ PreviousNext ≫

Session 7 (Overview)

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