This/Wayfarers song

== Arah ==

INT. GROUP ROOM AT SOME RESTAURANT

Several folks already seated at a large, questionably shaped table: VARDAMAN, RAHAH, KERRIS, ILYANATA, CORALINE, and SHERANDRIS. Vardaman is nursing a mug of shalott, and Sherandris is perusing an upside down menu.

A few look up and smile as ARSTEN and CORN approach. Arsten picks a seat at random and sits, Corn hesitates before sitting next to him.

Some folks chatter. Arsten tries to unfold his napkin and winds up with a knot in his hands. Corn fidgets uncomfortably. A WAITER materialises behind them.

WAITER

Anything to drink?

ARSTEN

Water.

CORALINE

(indicating Corn)

Root beer for him, pinch of zest.

The waiter nods and disappears.

RAHAH

Who are we still waiting on?

A newcomer, KYRULE, emerges from a shadow and sits.

KYRULE

One more.

Coraline eyes Vardaman for a moment, then flags the waiter over when he appears to bring Corn his root beer.

Corn sniffs the root beer and takes a sip.

ARSTEN

It's alright, you know. At least I think it is.

CORN

What-

A winged woman, MYRR, appears out of nowhere behind the last empty seat and almost falls on the table, interrupting him.

MYRR

I am sorry.

(she seems to be having some trouble balancing herself and trying to fight the chair)

It seems my wing has caught in this chair. A moment, if you please.

Vardaman snorts and downs his shalott.

Corn stares at her dumbfounded. Kyrule moves as if to speak, but Rahah beats him to it.

RAHAH

Perhaps we should all introduce ourselves first.

(she stops to think for a moment)

I am Eapherod, lord of dreams, blah blah blah nobody cares you should all just call me Rahah. Yes.

She coughs toward her right for the next guy to continue.

KERRIS

I'm Kerris of Attrel. Mercenary for hire.

(he pauses as though thinking carefully)

Hi?

There's a pause before Corn realises he's next.

CORN

(embarassed)

Uh... I'm Corn. I'm but a humble acolyte of Kyrule. I don't...

(he panics and looks around desperately)

Arsten pats him on the shoulder.

ARSTEN

Arsten Dren here, I do stuff, you know. Unless you don't.

RAHAH

He's like Indiana Jones.

CORALINE

What, an archaeologist with a gun?

RAHAH

If he ever had one that worked, yes.

ILYANATA

(continuing the introductions)

I am Ilyanata, or Illya. I am the force and reality of dreams, High Priestess of Eapherod, and her will upon the world.

RAHAH

(overly brightly)

Hi Ilya!

ILYANATA

(slowly)

Hi.

MYRR

I am called Myyr of Souls.

There is a pause.

CORALINE

She's the Falcon of Kyrule. Or was that a falcon? Maybe it was a hawk or something. Or a goose? Geese are terrifying.

VARDAMAN

She's a priest. I'm also a priest, but I generally don't go advertising on that fact on account of embarassment. Other people's. That is. On account of being a far more significant drunk.

(he waves his mug for emphasis, tries to down it, realises it's already empty, and stares at it looking betrayed)

SHERANDRIS

What's your name?

VARDAMAN

Oh. Vardaman.

CORALINE

He's actually a deathdealer. Don't let the shalott fool you. And I'm Coraline Henderson, the Hand of Kyrule and his will upon the world. Supposedly.

RAHAH

Supposedly?

CORALINE

Weeeeell...

KYRULE

Yes.

CORALINE

Right, well, there was just this accident, right?

Vardaman chokes and starts coughing loudly before being miraculously rescued by the appearance of a waiter with a fresh bottle of shalott.

CORN

Uh...

Corn takes this opportunity to decide his root beer is much more fascinating.

RAHAH

That was an accident?

Coraline and Vardaman both look decidedly embarassed as nobody says anything. Finally Kyrule interrupts the silence, making things even more awkward.

KYRULE

(continuing as the next)

I am Kyrule.

SHERANDRIS

(stretching melodramatically)

Heh, gods.

RAHAH

Har.

SHERANDRIS

Rar. Sherandris here. I just like food. Mmm, food. I am completely ordinary. Totally. And food.

CORALINE

Whackjob ordinary.

SHERANDRIS

Exactly. I am as ordinary as an everyday whackjob. On account of being one.

----

SHERANDRIS

How do we get there?

RAHAH

Morand.

KYRULE

That world has been dead for thousands of years.

RAHAH

Aye. Its orbit passes through a patch of bad space - takes the whole world into the deadlands for part of the cycle, but the laws of physics at least partially hold, since it always comes back after. This gives us a way in. And potentially a way out.

KERRIS

In six months?

RAHAH

Assuming time holds on the other side, yes.

CORALINE

Why would it do that?

RAHAH

(she sighs)

It probably won't.

----

RAHAH

No horses.

KERRIS

What, you want us to walk?

KYRULE

Technology will not work in the dead lands.

RAHAH

Sure it will. Just need the right kind.

KYRULE

Any right kind will not remain the right kind indefinitely.

RAHAH

So we make it use an adaptive design. Don't worry, I'm like a god. I can totally make something work.

KYRULE

You are a god.

RAHAH

(looking surprised)

Well, isn't that convenient!

----

CORALINE

So who's our party leader?

RAHAH

Kyrule! Be our leader.

He gives her a suspicious look.

RAHAH

...Unless you want Sherandris to take over an turn us all into an insane clown posse?

CORALINE

I could go for that.

CORN

What...?

KYRULE

This is your party.

RAHAH

No it isn't.

KYRULE

Yes. It is.

CORALINE

Okay, party leader is the idiot who started this mess. Excellent, it's official.

RAHAH

Hey!

----

ARSTEN

(picking at his teeth)

Does anyone have a toothpick?

Myrr catches Vardaman as he nearly falls out of his seat.

VARDAMAN

If you do that again, I swear, I will... I will... why, I'll... what was I saying?

CORALINE

What do you mean, I can't be a necromancer? I've even had basic training. It's like the only wizarding I know, but I do know it.

ILYANATA

That would make sense. Vampire necromancer. It fits.

RAHAH

No, Sherandris, you can't be a clown. Be a wizard. You'd be a sexy wizard.

SHERANDRIS

But I'm not a wizard.

RAHAH

Learn.

SHERANDRIS

Bu-

Rahah glares at him.

SHERANDRIS

(starting to grin)

Yes, dear.

KERRIS

Do we have a cleric?

RAHAH

No. No, we definitely do not have a cleric.

KERRIS

Oh, well, we probably do want a-

RAHAH

You've never heard of sarcasm, have you?

CORN

Why is there an eyeball in my drink?

KERRIS

Um, what is a cleric, then? It says here 'Alle braive adventeurers should take withe them wone clerick, to tende to the illsome and deathley.'

CORALINE

Clerics is priests and healers. We've got plenty. Coming out of our ears, as me mum might say.

KERRIS

Oh. I knew that.

CORN

Anyone want an eyeball?

CORALINE

Is anyone Sheogorath?

CORN

Who?

RAHAH

What?

CORALINE

I think I'm going to be a necromancer.

CORN

I'm going to be a hairdresser.

ARSTEN

Excellent. Could always use one of those on a trip.

RAHAH

You're a mesmer, Coraline. Mesmers can't be necromancers.

CORALINE

Who says? Ascended mesmers are perfectly capable of taking on a secondary profession same as everyone else!

RAHAH

But you're not ascended.

CORALINE

I'm dead. 'Sclose enough, isn't it?

RAHAH

You could die in Pre.

CORALINE

So? This isn't Ascalon.

VARDAMAN

Buggrit, you damn bird, stop that!

MYRR

Please stop falling over, then. I will not hit you with my wing if you do not fall on it.

SHERANDRIS

You also don't need to be ascended to take a secondary profession - that's just to change it.

RAHAH

Will you stay out of this? You've never even played the game!

SHERANDRIS

Just saying.

CORALINE

Oh, right. Great. I hereby declare myself a necromancer. Just as soon as I figure out how to allot my traits to death magic, vast armies shall be mine!

ARSTEN

Traits?

RAHAH

It's a videogame.

ARSTEN

A what?

RAHAH

Something that hasn't been invented yet.

CORALINE

What, still? At this rate I'm going to die before they are!

KYRULE

Technically you already have.

CORALINE

Shut up.

== Deadlands ==

EXT. Boat deck; Deadlands

RAHAH

Hey guys! One of the probes hit a positive. Looks like a town.

VARDAMAN

A town?

KYRULE

Living?

RAHAH

Yeah, actually. Wanna check it out?

VARDAMAN

(standing up suddenly)

Yeeeeees!

(he composes himself)

I mean, yes. Let's.

Kyrule nods. A badger slides off a generator.

CORALINE

I'd certainly like to see life again.

RAHAH

Aiight.

(pointing into the black)

Thataway!

The boat turns accordingly in the direction she's pointing.

LATER:

They come to the place thing. Gliding along through some outlier abandoned buildings, air and stuff much lighter, and possibly breathable, though the shield is still up.

VARDAMAN

Hold on, quick question before we go any further.

(he looks toward the cabin, then back to the others)

Do we trust the badgers?

CORALINE

To do what?

VARDAMAN

Exactly.

Something about who will stay with the badgers...

----

EXT. Somewhere in town

Stuff. They're looking for somewhere non-broken for the folks to move.

RAHAH

(monotone voice)

Working...

Working...

VARDAMAN

Er...

He pokes her.

RAHAH

I'm doing a computer impersonation, here. Sod off!

KYRULE

All the resources of the Realms at your disposal, and you're still working?

RAHAH

You ever actually tried being a processor? Only so many instructions per second, young man.

Ah, got something. An Aureless world, generally uninhabited, got some holes, should be patchable.

(to Sinnec)

You'll have to do the bulk of that, I'm afriad.

SINNEC

What will be needed?

RAHAH

You're a creator, right? Create stuff, shove it in.

KYRULE

Really?

RAHAH

Yeah, since we'll be shoving this in the other way first, it should balance out and work.

I think.

SINNEC

You think.

RAHAH

Reasonably sure. Not entirely. Can't be with this. But there's guts and there's bongs and sometimes they align in a good feeling that says, yes, yes, this is the cabbage. Go east along the purple scent.

She gestures vaguely, then shrugs when the others give her weird looks.

SINNEC

(he starts laughing)

Out here, that sounds about right.

----

RAHAH

We've got to keep going.

VARDAMAN

Where are we going?

RAHAH

Forward and on! Until we find out!

VARDAMAN

That's inspiring. Really. I'm so inspired right now, why, I don't know what to do with myself.

Kyrule looks at him askance before deciding to ignore it.

KYRULE

Is there no method to our search?

RAHAH

No, not really. But given the nature of reality here - or the lack thereof - any plan would probably equate to random squiggles anyway.

VARDAMAN

So we just skipped right to the squiggles.

RAHAH

Precisely.

CORN

Inspiring.

----

EXT. Boat deck; deadlands

Rahah is alone standing watch and steering; the rest are below. Not a whole lot happens for a bit, then she looks around and frowns.

RAHAH

(consideringly)

Hovercraft.

With a gesture, she fills the hovercraft with eels, and happily looks over her her handiwork.

RAHAH

Wait, no, that... argh!

With another gesture, she hastily disposes of the eels, looking decidedly embarrassed.

Later someone finds an eel in their cereal.

----

CORALINE

I'm thinking Kralkatoric.

RAHAH

Zhaitan was cute.

CORALINE

Ey, don't tell me that. I'm not there yet. I shouldn't be getting spoilers!

RAHAH

How is it a spoiler that Zhaitan dies in the end? It was practically written on the box. Hells, it might have been written on the box for all I know.

CORALINE

Wasn't. I bought the box.

RAHAH

Oh. Well, they mentioned it in a press release or some such.

CORALINE

Probably on Facebook.

RAHAH

But I knew about it. How'd I have known if they'd said it there?

CORALINE

You fought him. Of course you knew.

RAHAH

Of course I fought him. It's a damn dungeon, isn't it?

CORALINE

And I'm not there yet.

RAHAH

Well... what about Jormag?

CORALINE

What's he look like?

RAHAH

I dunno, icey?

CORALINE

Never even seen him, have you?

RAHAH

What, and you've seen Kralkatoric?

CORALINE

Saw the Shatterer.

RAHAH

Well I saw Jormag's Claw. Thing even landed on my gal once.

A badger falls off the obelisk between them and they stop and stare at it for a bit.

RAHAH

Er... right.

Can we please not turn this into a videogame?

CORALINE

Why not? The Elder Dragons are about the right size, and it's definitely going to be a dragon. Too late for that.

RAHAH

Because this isn't a videogame? Also that's like copyright violation or something.

CORALINE

So?

-----

VARDAMAN

Why did it have to be a dragon? Why couldn't it be a bunny or something? A nice, cute little harmless bunny.

CORALINE

Have you ever fought a legendary bunny?

VARDAMAN

A what?

CORALINE

It would be just as tough and dangerous regardless of the mask we give it. This way there's no disconnect between what is seen and what is experienced.

Or something.

RAHAH

This way we avoid any resulting cognitive dissonance.

CORALINE

Sure.

----

Kerris and Rahah return from somewhere scouting.

RAHAH

Good news, everyone! It's a dragon.

SHERANDRIS

Excellent. Let's celebrate!

Sherandris pulls a giant tub of cheese puffs from his massive robe.

KERRIS

Gross.

CORALINE

(reaching toward the tub)

Gimme!

Sherandris removes the lid and holds it out to her while she grabs a handful.

VARDAMAN

(musing)

Now that's not a phrase I'd have expected before all this... a dragon as good news.

RAHAH

You need to get out more.

CORN

But we're already so far out there isn't anything left to be out.

RAHAH

Well, you know what they say.

CORALINE

Life is strange, and the alternatives are even stranger?

RAHAH

What, is this an alternative?

CORALINE

You're the dead girl.

RAHAH

You're more dead.

CORALINE

You died first.

RAHAH

You died longer.

CORALINE

No you.

RAHAH

No you.

CORALINE

You.

RAHAH

Your mom.

CORALINE

Your face.

VARDAMAN

I'm glad to see we're all grown-ups here.

----

CORN

Do you ever miss your home? The world where you're from?

CORALINE

Aye.

CORN

What do you miss the most about it?

CORALINE

Probably deodorant.

---

The gods gathered in the darkness, in the unnatural glow, in anticipation of the apocalypse.

Alyr there, the lady of temptation, goddess of cats, with spear at the ready...

Kyrule there, lord of death, keeper of souls, waiting, always waiting...

Nausica there, lord of the depths...

Eapherod saw them, and others, and smiled. Almost there. The plan, Coraline's plan, would soon come to pass.

Darkness swirled in the depths of the abyss in which they stood.