Sarathi de

Pile

DARREN

Okay, so... now what?

NATHAN

Everything's dead. Suppose it stops being dead.

PERCY

What?

MAYA

Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!

YASA

Zombies!

PERCY

(crossly)

Maya!

(to Yasa)

Must you encourage her?

ALEXIS

We should get outside.

MAYA

(ignoring Percy)

Is that where the zombies will be?

NATHAN

What are you thinking?

ALEXIS

Like in an earthquake. Get under the open air. Less to fall on you.

Darren looks up for anything that seems to be loose, sees a somewhat precarious-looking light fixture, and hastily starts moving for the door. The others follow.

YASA

Aire libre.

MAYA

It'll have tusks. I just know it.

NATHAN

So.

What are we going to do about this?

YASA

No idea.

MAYA

We break out, of course!

YASA

Yeah?

MAYA

This is a game, right? Everything we need should be right here. What's in your pockets?

NATHAN

I don't think it...

(he stops, looking around)

Nevermind our pockets. What's in the beds?

As a paladin, Alexis swears herself to Lokshmi.

LOKSHMI

Well, aren't you a clever one.

PERCY (JOHN)

How is this possible?

NATHAN (KISAI)

No idea.

YASA (VANESSA)

This doesn't feel at all like acid.

NATHAN (KISAI)

Eh?

YASA (VANESSA)

Just saying. It seems like it might actually be happening. Is it?

MAYA (JOCTHEES)

Yes!

(she suddenly looks confused)

I hope?

Maya tries to eat out of her amful of doughnuts, ducking her head down and biting at them. It is only partially successful.

DARREN (THROLLOG)

(Staring at Maya somewhat disappointedly)

Uh-huh. Real.

Alexis shrugs.

ALEXIS (DIANE)

Real or not, we should probably get moving. I don't know what this place is, but... well, I don't like it.

Maya starts bouncing around offering everyone doughnuts.

DARREN (THROLLOG)

(Ignoring Maya)

We've fallen into a story and you... 'don't like it'?

And I'm a giant!

NATHAN (KISAI)

Half-giant, technically.

ALEXIS (DIANE)

It's more than that. This place, it's too empty. Too quiet. Something's happened here.

(She gestures around the room)

This looks like a security office, but where are the guards? What's with the screens?

Maya interrupts her by forcefully offering a doughnut, which Alexis takes and examines.

ALEXIS (DIANE)

And the doughnuts?

LOKSHMI

You've come out into a relatively stable fragment. When it merges with the rest of reality, things will become very crazy.

NATHAN

'Become' crazy?

LOKSHMI

Do not test this reality, or it will only drive you mad.

Treat it as a dream, stick together, and get out. The narrative will guide you. Do not fight it.

ALEXIS

How are we supposed to do that, get out? Or... out of what, our characters?

LOKSHMI

Out of the world. Off Sarathi, past the broken space. One cataclysm at a time, Guardian.

NATHAN

Not to be a downer or anything, but is that even possible? We haven't exactly come across a whole lot of functional tech.

DARREN

How far out is out? If we just get something to achieve escape velocity, we can totally kill ourselves in space.

LOKSHMI

That would be sufficient. Get off the planet, and get a signal out, and that will be enough for a rescue. When that happens, however, do not tell them who you are.

PERCY

Why would anyone care?

YASA

Who are we?

MAYA

I'm Anybody.

NATHAN

We're Wayfarers, aren't we?

Lokshmi smiles unsettlingly, but the effect is somewhat ruined by Darren belching at the same time. She ignores him.

LOKSHMI

Yes... and you will find that this is not a world that takes kindly to trespassers.

NATHAN

Fern said ours was a protected planet, only one god.

YASA

What, that blahman thing is real?

DARREN

That'd explain a thing or two.

MAYA

Really? What?

DARREN

A thing or two.

MAYA

But what?

DARREN

A thing or two.

LOKSHMI

Do you know nothing of what lies beyond that... one?

YASA

Names. We've got lots of names. Like... like... well, some even in common. Teleoth, for instance. Oberoth, Cariya and Zhaloric, something about a Hazz...

DARREN

Has?

YASA

We needed someone to curse. A god of dead ends. Hazz'ridan.

INT. SECURITY OFFICE - DAY

The room is full of screens, doughnuts, and a passed out party. None of the screens are operational - all are either dark or contain only fractal static - and the party looks as though someone upended a box of doughnuts over them. Two more unlabeled boxes are stacked on a desk.

Alexis wakes up first, and immediately notices things are off. Her body is not her own, this place is not one she knows, and she looks herself over as she gets up, catching a doughnut before it can fall off her leg. The others, too, she does not recognise, and looks them over with concern - but as they appear to be both alive and no immediate threat, she goes to check the door first.

What she sees appears to alarm her, as she shuts it almost immediately, and goes to wake Nathan (Kisai), shaking his/her shoulder.

ALEXIS (DIANE)

Hey. Wake up.

NATHAN

Nnn what?

ALEXIS

Hey.

Alexis shakes him again and he starts to sit up.

NATHAN

All right, all right.

Where am I?

ALEXIS

Don't know. I just woke up myself. Do you recognise any of these others?

NATHAN

Not particularly.

(he looks down at himself)

Hold on, am I a woman? I'm a woman. Why am I a woman?

ALEXIS

(she smiles in spite of herself)

I don't know, why?

NATHAN

What... oh, no, no, no...

At the same time, Darren (Throllog) wakes up with a groan and smacks himself in the face. Nathan goes over to him cautiously as the half-giant starts to get up.

NATHAN

Hi. Is your name Darren, by any chance?

DARREN

Yeah? Whatsit to...

Darren stops and looks down at Nathan, then examines his hands.

ALEXIS

I don't...

Wait, Nathan? Darren.

NATHAN

Right. We're our characters.

Maya runs past gathering up doughnuts off the floor and others, waking the remaining members of the party.

MAYA

Eeeeeeee donuts!

YASA

(she groans and starts to get up)

Where... how much did I drink?

(she lies down again)

No, nevermind. Don't wanna know.

DARREN

You're a what huh?

PERCY

Er, I'm sorry, but what is all of this?

NATHAN

It's me, Nathan. I'm... well...

That's Alexis, and I think you recognise your sister.

MAYA

Donut?

PERCY

I don't... Maya?!

MAYA

Yes! Wait, what?

No. I didn't do it.

Heap

Fern:

Sense. Feeling. Memory. So much of it, and so much light and warmth and life. I could feel it all, all around me, in vast extent, and it all felt new and strange. Even as I remembered much of this the same as when living before, I didn't relate to it. The memories were there, supposedly mine, but they were just memories, same as the infinite multitude of others I had absorbed over the ages.

No, this was different. These feelings, this sense, this space, it was all mine, in the now, with all of the past, present and future before me to be discovered... all mine. I felt like I could do anything, and this scared me. I knew that I felt like I could do anything, and this terrified me. And I felt myself terrified... and this, above all else, reassured me. It centered me, this terror, and in time, it became the entirety of my world, focusing on my fear, fear that I only recognised for what it was from what I had felt vicariously in the many souls that had already come to me, but something that I have never felt before myself...

I do not know how long I lay there, centered in my terror, surrounded by light, by so much everything and not daring to look at it, to touch it, to acknowledge its existence...

And then a goat crashed in through the window, showering broken glass everywhere.

Tree

EXT. Park - Day

DARREN, NATHAN, and ALEXIS are crossing the green on the way to the supermarket.

DARREN

(flailing his arms)

No, no, no, no, no! You have it all wrong! I'm talking epic, here. Something truly epic, Star Wars epic, Babylon 5 epic, Lord of the Rings epic, Cthuhlu epic...

NATHAN

Otherland epic? Godot epic... Guy trapped in his cubicle epic -

DARREN

I've seen that one. He gnaws his own arm off.

NATHAN

Ow.

DARREN

Seriously, though. We need something epic. Something really epic. Something -

ALEXIS

Epic like the Iliad? Or perhaps the Epic of Gilgamesh or Paradise Lost... perhaps Cantos?

There is an awkwardly long pause.

DARREN

What are those?

NATHAN

Epics.

Eh, what do they teach you in your schools here?

DARREN

(he stops)

They teach things in schools?

ALEXIS

(smiling)

Not to some students, evidently.

DARREN

(he glares at her, continuing)

No, no, I mean a movie or a series or something. Everything lately has been so lame.

NATHAN

What about Avatar?

DARREN

Don't get me started on that! It's just -

ALEXIS

You haven't even seen Avatar.

NATHAN

Heh...

Why are you so excitable over all this, anyhow? Just tele; not like we can actually live it.

ALEXIS

Oh, don't be too sure. This is Darren we're talking about...

DARREN

Oh, shut it.

They walk under a large tree. Suddenly Fern falls out, landing on Darren. There is a brief panic, a flailing, and then Alexis and Nathan manage to disentangle Fern and Darren.

FERN

Urk urk urk.

DARREN

(standing up)

What the hell just happened?

NATHAN

Fairy tale true love would be my guess.

ALEXIS

Are you okay?

DARREN

Seriously what the hell just happened?

FERN

(panicking)

Uh, sorry.

DARREN

(turning on Fern)

You attacked me!

FERN

(backing away)

Well, yes, I mean, no! That that's not it at all. See, this is all perfectly reasonable, because we are all perfectly reasonable people, and let's say you are a perfectly reasonable person out walking your perfectly reasonable dog and you bump into your perfectly reasonable neighbour, who was out collecting his perfectly reasonable morning paper; that's just as reasonable as a perfectly reasonable stranger that gets a perfectly reasonable idea and climbs a perfectly reasonable tree because she saw a perfectly reasonable squirrel!

See?

It's all perfectly reasonable!

DARREN

Whaah...

NATHAN

Sorry?

FERN

(cocking her head)

I... er... um...

She turns and runs away.

DARREN

That just happened! What the hell was that?

Kidnapping

EXT. Apartment complex - Night

It is dark. Two figures, NATHAN and DARREN, are leaving an apartment complex, carrying something large and bulky - a parcel.

DARREN

Well, that went about as badly as expected.

NATHAN

Eh, it could have gone a whole lot worse.

DARREN

True. Someone could have seen.

They load the parcel into Darren's car.

Or smelled... or heard...

NATHAN

Smelled, eh... they still could. Except that they're probably used to the smell by now... If anyone *noticed,* though... That would have gotten real interesting in a not good, not good at all sort of way, real quickly.

DARREN

Worst they could do is arrest... oh. Right.

he climbs in with the bundle and belts it down

Well, at any rate, what do you suppose we should do with her?

The parcel is revealed to be a duct-taped YASAKA NIHARI.

INT. Dark hallway - night

It is 20 minutes earlier. Daren and Nathan are standing outside a door; Nathan is holding a small paper bag.

DARREN

You sure this is the right apartment?

NATHAN

Well...

DARREN

Is it the one she said?

NATHAN

Sure, it's the one she said, but right about now I'm having a few doubts as to whether or not it is the right one, if you get my drift...

DARREN

You think she lied about her apartment?

NATHAN

Well, put it this way. Were you addicted to a game and had a friend coming to your area who had already, ah, expressed a distaste for said addiction, would *you* necessarily tell him where you lived?

DARREN

(he considers for a moment before answering)

Maybe.

Let me handle this.

Darren knocks. Nothing happens, so he knocks again, louder.

DARREN

Yaska Nehhari, we know you're in there. Open up!

A muffled clunk emits from inside.

DARREN

Ms. Nehhari, we're with the -

NATHAN

(cutting him off)

Yasa, it's Nathan. We brought food.

The door immediately slams open and a highly dishevelled head pokes out.

YASA

Really?!

she sees Nathan and then hugs him

Kawaii! You're even cuter than the picture!

NATHAN

(pushing Yasa away)

Now, now, love. Don't be so forward - technically we just met.

YASA

(she takes the bag from Nathan)

Oh, very funny.

She starts poking around in the bag and then retreats back into the dark room.

YASA

What'd you bring, here...

The others follow her in. Darren fumbles for a light switch for a bit, then manages to turn on the light, revealing a horrible mess.

DARREN

I think it's time for plan B...

YASA

(looks up, eating a cupcake)

Hmm?

NATHAN

We had a plan A?

Oh. Yasa, the WoW marathon is over.

Yasa she drops cupcake melodramatically, throwing out an arm for some reason.

YASA

What?!

DARREN

Sorry to do this, but...

Darren pulls a roll duct tape out of his vest, and an epic scene ensues in which Nathan and Darren attempt to overpower Yasa. There is much grabbing and flailing, after which Nathan manages to pin down Yasa, whilst Darren has at her with the roll of duct tape. Somehow, staple removers, nail guns, dead plants, a lamp, frying pans, crowbars, wax lips, and a small ferret also come into it. After much struggling, Yasa resembles a large parcel - the parcel seen previously.

Then the door slams and all is quiet once more. Some stuff flutters down, including a doctor's appointment note...

Yasa's cat pokes out of a corner and starts eating the abandoned cupcakes.

Cleaning

INT. FERN's house

Nathan and Darren hand Yasa over to Fern with a brief explanation as to why. They put her on the sofa and leave.

FERN

(unbinding Yasa)

Ah, little one... they meant no harm. But you are an interesting one... a lady of butterflies?

YASA

(she sits up groggily)

Nnnnnggg?

(looking around)

I... uh... yeah?

FERN

You have not flown for awhile, little birdwing. What happened?

YASA

Flown? What?

FERN

No matter, no matter.

(she stands)

Come, let's get you cleaned up.

YASA

(jumping back)

What?!

Fern backs into a shadow, allowing her eyes to glow in the dim lighting.

FERN

Cleeeaaaned.

LATER

Noises are coming from the bathroom.

YASA

Agh! It burns! It burrrns!

*fizzzzle*

• scrub scrub*

FERN

Oh, hold still. It's like you never saw a bar of soap...

YASA

Nooooo! Let me go! Let me gooo!

*splash*

• scritttch*
• explode*

FERN

You know, if you'd been eating properly the past few weeks, you'd probably be strong enough to just go...

But no. Instead you shall be cleaned

*clean*

YASA

Mercy!

Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow! OOWWW!

*ploop*

• streeeetch*

FERN

It's just a hairbrush!

*yank*

YASA

Aaaagh!

*greeeek*

• creeeEEEEEEEk*
• screeEEEEAAAAAAAAAK*

FERN

Oh, calm down.

YASA

You devil of a creature...

*scrub*

FERN

You talking to me or the toothbrush?

YASA

(sobbing)

*smash*

• dash*

FERN

I hope you don't mind dreadlocks...

YASA

(weakly)

What?

*scraaaatch*

• bash*

*clonk*

Story setup

INT. Shahanna living room - Night

The party is gathered around Fern's chair, a large armchair pulled up to the coffee table.

FERN

Right, got the information for making the characters around here somewhere...

she rifles through her bag, then shoves her arms, head and shoulders into it in a desperate, all-out reach, then emerges victorious.

PERCY

So, basically, we are... being these people? Things?

ALEXIS

Basically. That, or you could say we are their authors. We say what they do, they do it. It's like writing a story, except each person controls one, and the 'dungeon master' controls the setting and everything else.

PERCY

...in dungeons?

ALEXIS

It's a figure of speech...

PERCY

...a 'master' who has never done this before.

ALEXIS

Hey, means we are in good company.

Maya enters with a bowl of dumplings and places it on the table.

MAYA

Courtesy of the freezer and a well oiled frying pan!

She eats some dumplings.

FERN

Erm, here. Stuff. Basic class descriptions, setting information I wrote at two in the morning, races, gods, more stuff you may or may not find useful...

She passes them around.

DARREN

(not looking at them)

Meh... details.

ALEXIS

(reading)

So if I just want to... um... ninjas...? Next they'll have pirates in motorboats off Sumatra...

NATHAN

Yeah, Lissal makes no sense.

FERN

You should be glad as many of the gods make sense as they do.

Really, the things I could have put on there...

YASA

(holding a sheet upsidedown)

Meh, sense.

She turns the sheet rightsideup.

Who needs it? I could wonder why you made your own set of gods in the first...

Ooo, angry hornets!

MAYA

(starts)

Hornets?!

Percy and Alexis exchange amused looks.

Introduction

INT. Shahanna living room - Day

The group is gathered around the coffee table, D&D books and character sheets scattered around. There's a bowl of dumplings on top of them.

FERN

(gesturing broadly)

Sarathi.

(she pauses for effect)

Blah blah blah rich planet blah blah floating cities blah. Blah lost contact blah no signals blah blah blah anyone who ventures there never heard from again, blah. Blah blah. Satellite imaging blah oddities blah blah.

(she leans forward)

Blah, Sarathi blah blah blah.

Treasure blah blah blah blah blah.

(she grins, making a sweeping motion toward the others with her arm)

Blah blah blah so now you all are going to Sarathi blah for some reason, blah blah.

(another pause for effect, then with emphasis)

Blah!

Nathan facepalms.

FERN

(looking confused)

What?

PERCY

Is that...

Percy looks toward Alexis, confused.

ALEXIS

(she half-shrugs, shaking her head)

No idea.

DARREN

Wow.

NATHAN

Fern... you're a horrible DM.

MAYA

Really? I quite liked it.

NATHAN

You did?

MAYA

Certainly! It may seem trite to you, but I'll have you know that we have just been witness to nothing less than a distinctly satiric commentary on the state of modern entertainment, tying together principles of minimalism and suggestion to put more than merest description before us, but indeed concept, a concept from which we may create our very own worlds that are ever so much more dynamic than the flatness that would be one shared reality.

Percy stares at Maya, mouth agape. Around the room glances are exchanged and eyebrows raised, whilst Maya looks decidedly proud of herself and then promptly gets sidetracked by a dumpling.

FERN

I'll go with that.

INT Kitchen - day

Yasa and Maya are poking at the saucer under a potted plant.

ALEXIS

Oh, for the last time. That's wet soil, not dead ants.

MAYA

You... you sure?

Dilemmas

INT. Shahanna hallway - day

Fern is walking down muttering to herself.

FERN I must tell them... No, I cannot... But I must tell someone... But them? Someone... Why? Why tell anyone? I must! No, I cannot tell them...

NATHAN Eh, tell whom what?

FERN (startled) Erm, Nathan... do you make a habit of loitering outside of bathrooms?

NATHAN Only when someone hogs them for the past HALF HOUR.

MAYA (inside) Agh! Go away!

FERN Oh. I should probably come back later, then?

NATHAN You know, there are two other bathrooms.

FERN Then why are you loitering outside this one?

NATHAN It... I left... I mean... He turns red.

FERN Aaaah, machinations of the male psyche. Intriguing.

NATHAN Bloody hell, woman, no!

Yasa walks up behind him.

YASA Nay-nay-chan... I'd have thought you would know better. Really, trying to peek on a girl as she -

NATHAN Agh, shut it!

YASA Seriously. You take me for an unserious, a flutterby of butterflies, a... um... unserious thing?

NATHAN Er... sorry?

YASA Yeah, I totally forgot what I was going to say there. </screenplay>

Hams

INT. Sarathi camp - night

Most of the party is trying to sleep. Nathan is glumly sitting an insomniac watch. Yasa gets up and wanders off, and Maya does the same, but in a different direction.

Maya pokes around, looks in various rooms, exploring. She finds one full of fanged hams.

MAYA Yay! Magic food!

MAYA (half singing) Oooh, magical food. Wonder what it tastes like... perhaps it can turn me into a mutant! A... vegetarian mutant, because it would be cannibalism to eat ham. And there's no meat out there besides ham, of course. Or does magical ham eat ham? Perhaps they eat regular ham? But wouldn't that still be cannibalism?

She smiles to herself.

MAYA Well, now I'm curious! But how to find out...? And I still wonder what it tastes like.

The hams start sqlorsh/sqrawing toward her.

MAYA Oh... well. Let's see, now.

She picks up two nearby ones.

MAYA Excuse me Mr. and Mrs. Magical Ham, I just need you for a little experiment. That's fine by you, right?

She grins, nods what might be the head of one of them, and answers for it in a play-voice.

MAYA 'Of course, dear, go right ahead.'

Maya tries to feed the hams to each other. One of them tries to bite her and succeeds in smacking her in the face. She flails and drops the hams.

MAYA Oweee!

Maya stares pointedly at the one, then at the other. The entire horde starts coming toward her again, so Maya grabs a piece of smashed door and swings at them; a few go flying but seem unharmed.

MAYA Eee?

As Maya turns and runs away screaming, the hams give chase.

INT. Sarathi temple - night

Yasa enters a large hall that may be a temple, full of cat images.

YASA Someone really likes cats... Midriin, Araktil, Lissal... Kiria... (she smiles) Ah, hello, Shakhi...

LOKSHMI appears behind her.

LOKSHMI What, no hello for me?

YASA (turning) Er... Hi? Where are you?

LOKSHMI (pointing toward the end of the hall) Down there.

YASA Lokshmi, three-tailed, keeper of secrets, the glimmer of death, a destroyer at heart... you are the goddess of the night, of fury, frozen fire, memory, past, revenge...

LOKSHMI You surprise me, lady butterfly. Are you generally so versed in the gods of far off worlds?

YASA Nope! But Fern seemed to like you.

LOKSHMI Fern... she isn't with you.

YASA No.

INT. Sarathi camp

Maya runs, screaming, into camp chased by a horde of fanged hams and then tries to lead them through the fire.

PERCY Oh, this again...

ALEXIS Again? Does your sister make a habit of being chased by hams, then?

Maya makes another pass through the fire.

PERCY Well... no, but Maya's always had a weak spot for ham?

Lokshmi and Yasa enter.

LOKSHMI Enough! Down, hams!

The hams obey and stop.

LOKSHMI Well, well. You and yours really are full of surprises, Lady Birdwing.

Darren startles awake and looks blearily at the hams and then goes back to sleep.

YASA Yeah, but I believe the proper word is 'issues'. We have issues.

Maya carefully picks up a ham with a pair of chopsticks, then casually pokes another ham with it. She grins, roasts them both, and starts eating one.

MAYA Isn't it nice being eaten, Mrs. Magical Ham? (singsong, waggling its 'head') 'Oh yes, dear, we do love providing little girls with proper protein.' You taste deliciously, too! 'Oh, that's sweet of you, dear.'

LOKSHMI I see. </screenplay>

---

LOKSHMI (to Alexis) For a paladin, you choose interesting company. Willingly travelling with the chaotic evil?

ALEXIS Those two? Please. The only reason they ended up 'evil' was becasue 'lazy moron' wasn't an allignment option.

YASA (imitating Darren) 'Throllog smash stuff good! Throllog beat you! Graaaw!'

she eyes Alexis suspiciously.

Wait, are you calling me a lazy moron?

Nathan and Percy exchange looks.

ALEXIS (smiling) Someone had to keep them out of trouble.

LOKSHMI (she nods) Know this.

Your characters hail from Hakeris Veroun, but this is Arikdirin Vak. You will find little respite here should you try to pursue their pasts.

ALEXIS And these are...

NATHAN Universes?

LOKSHMI Yes.

I can tell you this, for what little good it may do you: here, it is Ajirad and Irundha of Arikdirin Vak who reign king of the sandcastle. Be wary of them, for they do not abide by the same standards of mercy as your own Karamah of Lijria Savai.

MAYA King.

ALEXIS These are all kings?

LOKSHMI It is what we call them. Madmen named and charged with the protection of all that is, of all that we have and are. We may venerate these kings, we may curse them, we may ignore them outright, but they are always there.

MAYA (playing with a ham) Except when they're not.

LOKSHMI We are barred from those worlds.

MAYA (ventriloquising the ham) We are barred from those worlds.

LOKSHMI Cute.

MAYA (brightening) Aren't they?

Cell

INT. Cell) Yasa, Maya, and Nathan are sitting in a cell. A GUARD is standing guard outside.

YASA I'm bored.

MAYA I'm bored.

YASA Bored.

MAYA Very bored.

Nathan glowers at them from the other bed.

YASA Incredibly bored. she picks up a pebble.

MAYA Astoundingly bored. also picks up a pebble, and bounces it off the guard's head

This is boring.

The Guard he stops, turns, and thumps on the bars for emphasis.

{{line..Guard) Will you shut up?!

The guard then moves further away, out of range.

MAYA Still boring.

YASA Boring.

MAYA Boring.

NATHAN The bloody hell'd you do that for?

MAYA Was boring.

YASA You have a better idea?

Maya picks up another pebble and looks at it, considering.

Face off

Space between space, time between time) Fern and Irundha float in the void.

FERN Alright, you have my attention. What is it that you want?

{{line..Irundha) The same thing as you want.

FERN A bucket-full of muffins?

{{line..Irundha) To exist.

FERN Oh, well. That's boring.

{{line..Irundha) Do you not value existence?

FERN Of course. But that does not devalue the alternative. The lack, the absense, the death that gives life meaning...

{{line..Irundha) As is my domain... tell me. Where does the valued go with this?

FERN Around?

Just live a little, Irundha. We're all so terrible at it, but when we do, it's grand.

The two dark sisters stare each other down.

FERN Well, this is awkward.

{{line..Irundha) (shaking her head) Existence was like a walking purgatory for you...

Neither dead nor alive, never feeling a thing...

Just existing.

Existing.

FERN Things change.

{{line..Irundha) Do they? FERN Things are how they are. They will always will be how... however they are. At the time.

There is no better or worse, but there is change.

{{line..Irundha) Then how can you possibly condone change? Or action? Or do anything at all?

FERN Without words, of course. Is is, but that don't make it right, and just because there ain't not such thing as right don't mean you can't want right when it ain't there. Any goat could tell you that.

Bathrooms

YASA It's like bathrooms. Erm, public bathrooms - restrooms... with the stalls. she gestures to indicate the spacing People walk in and use the one on the end because they think it won't be as well used. Except enough people figure that that one won't be used and use it that it actually ends up the most used, you know? gesturing in the opposite direction So flip it around. Figure that people will figure it won't be used and use it, and so choose the one in the middle, instead. Except what if enough people figure that, then maybe using the ones on the end wouldn't be such a bad idea afterwards... but what if they figure that -

ALEXIS (cutting her off) Yasa, people don't generally think that much.

YASA (after a pause) What, am I not a person?

DARREN Clearly not.

Phone call

INT. A cluttered room) time=Day) A sleeping woman, {{cap) Fern, is sprawled on a sofa with three cats sitting on her. A laptop is open on the end table, on which the following conversation is shown:

(10:32:22) {{cap)

Alebran D'tariel: Poke

(10:32:23) {{cap)

Nobody: Auto-reply: wut

(11:04:18) {{cap)

Alebran D'tariel: Poke

(11:04:18) {{cap)

Nobody: Auto-reply: wut

(11:18:46) {{cap)

Alebran D'tariel: Poke

(11:18:46) {{cap)

Nobody: Auto-reply: wut

(12:20:01) {{cap)

Alebran D'tariel: Poke

(12:20:02) {{cap)

Nobody: Auto-reply: wut

(12:52:50) {{cap)

Alebran D'tariel: Poke

(12:52:51) {{cap)

Nobody: Auto-reply: wut

(13:18:56) {{cap)

Alebran D'tariel: Poke

(13:18:56) {{cap)

Nobody: Auto-reply: wut

Fern sits up partially, dislodging two cats, and, upon seeing the screen, pulls it toward her and types:

(13:19:16) {{cap)

Nobody: WHAT!

The response appears:

(13:19:32) {{cap)

Alebran D'tariel: PUT ON YOUR TARGED HEADSET, WOMAN!

With a groan, she sits up entirely and unmutes the headset already on her head.

FERN (yelling as loudly as she can into the mic with another cat still sitting on her) What?!

{{line..Alebran) (Over the headset) You suck.

FERN (She pauses, rubbing her eye.) Huh?
You spent the past three hours poking me to tell me that, of all things?

{{line..Alebran) You really suck?

FERN Are you... entirely aware what 'suck' means?

{{line..Alebran) Legs?

FERN What?

{{line..Alebran) (He mumbles incoherently) Sorry, uh, translator may have miscallibrated again.
What I meant to say was that you're very wonderful and benevolent and glorious and adjective and are you busy tonight?

FERN Er...
Alebran, darling, I know you're dense, but it's been over a year. Couldn't you at least say 'hi' before propositioning me? she pushes a cat away It's only being proper.

{{line..Alebran) Hi.

A silence ensues, during which the cats return to Fern's couch, lap, and shoulder, making themselves comfortable.

FERN (She pinches her nose) Hello. How are you?

{{line..Alebran) I'm not dead.

FERN Yes...

Another silence passes, this time punctuated by the shoulder cat falling off, catching a claw in Fern's shoulder on the way down.

FERN (she yelps

{{line..Alebran) What?

FERN Cat, sorry. Gods, Alebran, you utterly suck at this.

{{line..Alebran) What?

FERN Conversing. Like a normal person. Were I clever, I could make a joke right now about you not knowing what a normal person is, but it would be entirely lost upon you anyway.

{{line..Alebran) No, I know what normal people are. They're like the folks whose house I've been sneaking into to use their bathroom while they're not looking.

FERN And that's just not normal.

{{line..Alebran) Hey, that's why I need you to come by, help me recover my own bathroom. Please?

FERN Alebran, I've got goats.

{{line..Alebran) Please, Sadzi? You're my only hope. Seriously, their bath salts are driving me nuts.

FERN Uh... she pauses, pinching the bridge of her nose Y'all right, fine. But you'd better not pull anything too weird. And I really do need to feed the goats first.

{{line..Alebran) You're the best not dead ex-girlfriend I never had.

Wall

EXT. Terras street) time=Day) FERN and ALEBRAN lean over a fence by one of the neighbours' houses, chatting.

{{line..Alebran) It's over. It's all over... we put that behind us. No more saving the world, no more fighting for survival. He gestures grandly I am here and I am now and my most pressing concern is whether or not to get a dog.

FERN Ah, you watched it.

{{line..Alebran) Eyup. Good show.
I really am considering a dog, though.

FERN Three heads, max, or I'll sic my cat on you.

{{line..Alebran) Which one?

FERN The scary one.

{{line..Alebran) Er... why?

FERN I... I promised your neighbours you'd tone it down.

{{line..Alebran) Well, that was dumb.

FERN (She sighs) Yes.

Vacuum cleaner

FERN Dildos?

YASA Pfft, dildos... if you want to just stick something in you, it's not so incredibly difficult to pick up some guy in a bar and stick him in you, you know. Just make sure he understands condoms and even the texture is about the same. Cheaper too, really.
But that's the thing, right? If you're just you, why would you stick some little thing inside yourself? Sure, that's what sex involves, but if you just want pleasure there's no need for any of that squelchy stuff. Skip that, right? Straight to the orgasm.

Nathan starts to enter, then just stops in the doorway and stares. The two women haven't noticed him yet.

FERN (looking slightly amused) Would it creep you out if I said I knew exactly where you're going with this, how you came to this conclusion, and that I utterly agree despite not being entirely sure what a 'vacuum cleaner' is?

YASA What... she stares at Fern I... Yes, it most certainly would.

NATHAN (he blinks) Vacuum cleaner?

They don't hear him.

FERN Then I did not say that.

YASA Actually, that's...

FERN (brightly) Please continue.

YASA You know what? Just... she takes a step backwards How could you possibly know that?

FERN I know too much.

YASA How much?

FERN A few things. A lot of things. Most things, really. Not quite everything, though, and a lot of it hasn't happened yet, and some of it isn't real, and almost none of it is any use at all, really...

she trails off, her mind clearly elsewhere

NATHAN What did I just... he stops, the strangest expression on his face

{{Line) Yasa) (turning red) Whoopsie.

FERN (she turns toward Nathan) Nathan, do you have a vacuum cleaner?

NATHAN That's just... I was just... I mean... He sputters I... I was just leaving. he gestures back toward the door Outward. Yes.

Nathan hastily turns around and leaves.

Wandering

EXT. Street) time=Night

FERN (walking, looking around twitchily)

I queried the Madness. 0 rows returned. Opening the black box for the third time, the empty heart is stolid.

This is the place to be for the end of the world show.

{{line..Hobo) (backing away) You ain't right.

FERN (still walking) Ain't right. Ain't right. World for the ain't right. This is what it says, you know. This is all what it says, and the Apheori said she knew your heart, but I cannot say it for fear of shivers. Whispers in winds.

It helps, you know. Saying things. Repeating things. Old thoughts. Old memories. Throw off the dark man in the open cloud. He's young. Doesn't see. Doesn't remember. Doesn't understand. It's all mad to him.

There's solace in madness.

Solace in madness.

EXT. Field) time=Day) Fern is standing in the grass a few hundred feet away from the road. Nathan has parked his car nearby upon finding her. NATHAN (picking his way through the grass; he yells) Fern?

FERN (staring off into the clouds) Tell me.

Do you believe in demons?

Audience

INT. Office) Fern and Nathan stand before the desk of the High Priest of the One.

{{line..Declien) (hiding annoyance at their unexpected arrival) Welcome, my child. What brings you to the Sahada?

FERN I come seeking your help.

{{line..Declien) Of course. If any of the God's children seek, we will -

FERN It is no small favour I ask. She takes off her mask.

{{line..Declien) paren) starts) What...

FERN I have a demon within me. It has resisted all standard attempts to remove it thus far, and it is all I can do to keep it... suppressing the thing is becoming more difficult with every expiring moment. Please. Can you help?

{{line..Declien) How?

FERN I believe it is called an exorcism?

{{line..Declien) I mean how are you keeping control of so powerful a being?

FERN Cheating.

{{line..Declien) Cheating?

FERN Long story. Suffice to say this should have been able to happen, but my curiosity got the better of me and now here I am, barking mad and with an even madder entity trying to up and be me.

Like it ever could be me.

{{line..Declien) Just how long has this entity... possessed you?

FERN Approximately three weeks, two days, eighteen hours and twenty-seven minutes.

NATHAN Been counting?

FERN It's helped my concentration.

{{line..Declien) And now you... want an exorcism.

FERN I want you to try.

{{line..Declien) Well... He takes a deep breath. We will do what we can, by the grace of the God.

Why, though? Why come to us? You do not follow the God.

FERN Follow is such an ambiguous word. I do not worship your God, or any, it is true, but that is simply the way of my people. We know what they are and what they stand for, and even, for that matter, what they sometimes dredge up. What you might call their demons.

I suspect this is one of them.

NATHAN Just tell me you haven't dated the God and I'll be happy.

FERN Er.

{{line..Declien) Explain.

NATHAN She's kind of...

FERN Though I prevent the demon from acting, from affecting the outside world, it is in essence trapped within my mind. It can see through my eyes and hear through my ears and it knows my thoughts as soon as I do... and visa versa. It speaks to me, rants, rails, intimations and offerings... anything to disrupt my concentration, for that is all that holds it back...

It has mentioned names, many of them, but two stand out: Karamah, whom it reviles, and one with which it seems to call itself. You may recognise it.

Ephaeriod.

{{line..Declien) Eph... do you realise what you are saying?

FERN Yes.

It is why I have come to you specifically.

NATHAN Fern, why didn't you say something?

I mean... you said it was...

That's not just a demon. If the name is right, you've got the bloody demon of demons trapped in your pretty little head!

FERN Yes... and let me tell you, it is not happy about that.

NATHAN Bloody pissed, I rather imagine.

FERN If it could, it would destroy you all just to hurt me... destroy everything I hold dear.

{{line..Declien) (standing) Demons seek harm the faithful for the impact they would have on the God. That this one would so go after you is unusual.

FERN (smiling, standing unsteadily) You must admit, it does have a certain style.

NATHAN Oh, bloody hell, woman, you really did date him, didn't you?

Declien stares at Nathan.

NATHAN (wincing) Hey, Father Declien, please. Do what you can. {{line..Declien) Right. Come to the Basilica of Akina in two hours.

EXT. Street) They step outside and then both try to speak at the same time.

FERN Nathan...

NATHAN Look...

Eh... sorry. You were saying?

FERN No, what were you going to say?

NATHAN Just say it, love.

FERN No, no... by all means, speak your mind.

NATHAN Well, I suppose we could spend the next two hours arguing about who should speak first...

FERN Mmmm... well in hand with the spirit of wasting time.

Nathan, just spit it out.

NATHAN Oh, well... eh... bloody hell. Now I forgot what I was going to say.

FERN Oh.

NATHAN So, er... how's the demon?

FERN It's deploring muffins.

I'm wholeheartedly agreeing just to throw it off.

NATHAN Okay, you're... you're just weird. I know I've said that before, but 'sa truth.

FERN Raight, Nathan. I think I should tell you... She tries to lift her foot; it's stuck. Though... She tries again.

tries harder.

NATHAN ...Fern?

FERN I think my foot is stuck.

NATHAN Eh, I can see that.

FERN I mean... really stuck. She tries a yank, to no effect.

NATHAN (taking off his backpack) Hold on.

FERN (stops struggling) Hmm?

NATHAN going through his bag) Ah, here we go. he pulls out a large crowbar.

Nathan jams the crowbar under and frees Fern's foot.

FERN You came... prepared.

NATHAN (stuffing the crowbar back into his bag) I got the idea from you.

So what were you saying?

FERN Um... well. This won't reassure you at all. This whole... experience...

Nathan, I may not survive this. I also know that theoretically, I could... remove the thing myself, but in the process irrevocable damage to... er... equilibriums of things may occur, and I cannot take the risk, not for so few, nor for any number of, er, really.

So if and when the thing finally does break free, it will do what it can to punish me for the inconvenience.

I don't intend to let it, but...

NATHAN But what?

FERN Kill me first. I will be able to die without any lasting damage, and in truth it is not something I have ever experienced first hand, so it should prove quite interesting...

NATHAN (taking a step back) I can't do that.

FERN I'm not mortal, Nathan. I cannot truly die, not in the sense that most folks eventually do. Not anymore.

Not again.

Ritual

EXT./INT. Basilica of Akina) time=day) Nathan and Fern approach the basilica near dusk. Long shadows come up to meet them, and gargoyles stare down.

NATHAN Well, that's... uh... inviting.

FERN (taking his arm) C'mon, dear. Our utter doom awaits.

They enter. Inside, several priests are loitering about the walls, and four stand around a circle chalked in the center. The High Priest Declien stand behind it. He gestures them forward, toward the circle.

Fern steps into it, while Nathan takes a seat nearby. The four priests chain an unresisting Fern down and then start doing suspicious things with sand.

She lifts a manacled hand enough to bonk on an invisible barrier that has formed over the circle.

FERN Neat!

{{line..Declien) Do you know the dangers involved in undergoing such a ritual?

FERN (she grins) Do you know the dangers involved in not? 'Sides, I've got know when to stop exercising my demons.

{{line..Declien) Um... right. Ephaeriod, can you hear this?

Fern bows her head.

{{line..Ephaeriod) (speaking through Fern) I hear you, mortal. A prison upon prisons? Do you know who I am?

FERN (silently) You cannot act, little demon, yet you still goad them... intriguing.

NATHAN Should we care?

{{line..Ephaeriod) Should you? Do you care that this woman you call a friend has been lying to you? Do you know who it is that you call 'friend'?

NATHAN Should I?

{{line..Ephaeriod) Insolence.

NATHAN Thank you.

{{line..Declien) Enough, Ephaeriod. We do not fear you, nor what you can do. We are here only to remove you from this... one.

{{line..Ephaeriod) You stop calling her child... do you care to hear her real name?

Fern stiffens, then reasserts control.

NATHAN Real name?

FERN I have several.

NATHAN Really, I never would have guessed.

FERN Some are kind of... embarrassing.

NATHAN Dogbother?

{{Block) Chanting rises around them.

{{line..Declien) (to Fern) You must place this -

FERN I already wear the symbol of the One.

{{line..Declien) All this time?

FERN It angered it. It seemed appropriate.

{{line..Declien) Only anger? Then you truly have no room in your heart for the God.

FERN (hurt) Don't say that.

The chanting and crap rises. There is a valiant and slightly overdramatic struggle for control, then Ephaeriod takes over. Declient moves forward and chants over Fern/Ephaeriod, sprinkling sparkly stuff on them.

{{line..Ephaeriod) (rising) Fool mortals. You cannot defeat me.

Nathan can't take it anymore and bursts out laughing at the sheer over-the-topness of it all.

{{line..Kharamah) But I can.

Nathan starts choking and nearly falls out of his seat. The coughing goes on for awhile before Declien smacks him.

NATHAN Sorry.

Kharamah and Ephaeriod stare at him expressionlessly for a moment, then turn toward each other.

{{line..Kharamah) (to Fern) Hello, Amadi...

{{line..Ephaeriod) Amadi is dead. This one shall soon die as well.

NATHAN Hrrk.

{{line..Ephaeriod) (to Nathan) You have something to say?

NATHAN Grrokle.

{{line..Kharamah) So it is.

NATHAN Nrrng?

{{line..Kharamah) We shall see.

NATHAN Grrk.

{{line..Kharamah) You will leave this woman's mind, Ephaeriod.

{{line..Ephaeriod) It is no longer hers. She has surrendered -

NATHAN (croaking) Yeah. Totally. Surrendered.

He takes a deep breath.

She fell asleep, you idiot. She finally got somewhere where she deemed you couldn't do any real damage and now she's taking a much-needed nap.

{{line..Ephaeriod) The mortal thinks it knows what it cannot comprehend...

NATHAN Yeah. That's it exactly. Of course. You win. Zombiebaron is the prizes.

{{line..Kharamah) Ephaeriod.

Leave.

There is a definite sigh in the air, and Fern collapses. Nathan stares at her.

{{line..Kharamah) Her life is her own again. Nathan Felwood, you will tell her it need not be so that the bindings hold. She is not who she was, nor are we all, and the others have long forgiven her. Amadi, the Dark Sister, your Fern, may act and be welcome.

NATHAN May what now?

{{line..Kharamah) She will understand.

Kharamah disappears, and the room returns to a slightly more normal state, though a somewhat more apparently exhausted one.

A loud snore erupts from Fern.

{{line..Declien) Well, that... was different.

NATHAN For us, not so much.

One of the priests moves to unchain Fern and kick aside the sand.

{{line..Declien) (he pauses) I don't even want to know.

Nathan snorts with laughter.

INT. Airplane) Fern and Nathan are going home.

NATHAN (nudges Fern) The Mathesian God is Kharamah, no?

FERN Mmm.

NATHAN But there's no reference to a name in anything of the religion on this world. Is there a reason for that, or is it just something that happened, never really relevant?

FERN Oh, there is definitely a reason.

NATHAN Really. Care to share? And who is... who was Amadi, anyway?

FERN She was the cat in the first story of the Book of Nightmares. Or one of the cats... I suspect there have been many; most of the splits happened well after all of that.

NATHAN Most of?

FERN (smiles and turns away) Now, now, Nathan. Best not go prying too far into the affairs of immortals. You may not like what you find. Or who you wind up by the end.

New Game

Shahanna living room) Yasa, Nathan, Darren, Alexis, Percy, Fern are once again sitting around the coffee table drinking tea and eating dumplings, while Fern tries to find notes on her laptop.

ALEXIS (over her tea) So just what did happen? Out with it.

NATHAN (rolls eyes) We went and had a plot.

YASA What, you were plotting?

NATHAN A story. You know.

YASA (grinning) The horror...

FERN Yeah, and I think I lost my notes... sorry.

NATHAN How do you lose your notes? Just open a terminal and type locate... eh, some word in them.

FERN Well...

If I knew how...

Open a terminal?

NATHAN ...nevermind.

What OS are you running, anyway?

FERN OS?

NATHAN Oper... nevermind.

FERN What?