Difference between revisions of "Sarathi de"

A fragment of the Garden of Remembering

 
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__TOC__
 
= The Room at Midnight =
== Begin ==


<screenplay>
<screenplay>
ALEXIS
INT. MIDNIGHT
Is that even legal?


DARREN
It is... dark. Black. Empty. The home of nothing at all. A voice drifts through the void, right at home, bright against the black, and fades into view.
Who's going to press charges?


ALEXIS
WOMAN IN BLUE
That's not the point. You did, technically, abduct her. Won't someone notice?
Hello.


NATHAN
The word lingers, and then we look down, down, down through the black and find her seated on... not the ground, but a ground. A background, perhaps, to her foreground in a sliver of not-quite-light.
How are interventions normally handled?


ALEXIS
WOMAN IN BLUE
(she winces)
Welcome to Midnight.
By family, I think.
</screenplay>


NATHAN
== The players ==
She has no family. We were the closest thing she had.


DARREN
<screenplay>
We were?
INT. Master bedroom; Fern's house - day


NATHAN
It's a rectangular room with four walls, and all fairly well-decorated, with a susprisingly tasteful assortment of perhaps a few too many plants, mostly ferns, scattered around amongst the funiture in lieu of knicknacks.
Remember Hunting Light?


Alexis looks at him quizzically.
FERN is sitting on a bed staring at the wall. The nearby window is shattered, with glass all over the floor, and the curtains are blowing a bit in the breeze.


NATHAN
'''''Fern''': I've been staring at a wall for three days now. I can't seem to remember much. After everything that happened, it's all... a bit confusing.
In World of Warcraft. Our guild was called 'Hunting Light', though it... fell apart a few months ago.


DARREN
'''''Fern''': I think I remember something about goats. And the Architect. And a whole lot of universes coming together for one hectic instant to fix some unfortunate incident, but it's fuzzy, like it didn't really happen, or I wasn't really there, or maybe I just lost the part of me that really was there.
Oh, right. That. Oops.


NATHAN
A goat wanders in, eating some paper.
Uh-huh.


FERN
Hi goatsy. I'm not here right now. Please leave a message at the beep.


Fern beeps.


'''''Fern''': I don't know. Some of the others apparently died and stuff, so I guess I got off easy, even though I'm pretty sure I really didn't hallucinate the three goats crashing in through the window right after.


The goat climbs up Fern's lap with its front legs.


INT. MIDNIGHT
'''''Fern''': All I really know right now is that there seems to be a goat in my lap for some reason.


Fern is asleep in the black. She looks perfectly content, but then KHARAMAH appears and wakes her. Images and scenes drift in and out of the black as they speak.
The goat looks up at her hopefully, but Fern just sort of stares right through it.


FERN
'''''Fern''': And I can't seem to stop staring at the wall.
(sitting up)
Grrrnnghph?


KHARAMAH
WALL
Hello, Amadi.
Hi there.


FERN
FERN
Amadi's dead.
Oh, hello, wall.
(she looks around)
 
You know, our setup sucks. Having to come all this way just to find you. Can't even call!
WALL
You've looked better.


KHARAMAH
'''''Fern''': I also seem to be hallucinating.
Ephaeriod is powerful. It is unfortunate that he would escape, but not unexpected. And that he would come for you... we should have seen it.


FERN
The wall that's speaking just appears to be a normal wall. It doesn't even have a mouth or anything.
Remind me - why were we trying to keep him bound in the first place?


KHARAMAH
The fifth wall, shoved haphazardly into a corner between two of the other walls, however, is anything but normal. It's huge, bigger than anything. It doesn't line up with anything. It looks more like a window, or a hole, looking out on the cosmos. The entirety of the universe, or at least ''a'' universe, laid out before it. It's utterly black, but not.
(amused)
It was your idea, Amadi. Your plan.


FERN
Fern is very pointedly not looking at this one.
Bloody dumb one.


KHARAMAH
'''''Fern''': The problem is, I'm not sure what all is the hallucination and what isn't. For instance, the goats seem to be real.
Have your views changed so easily at his hands? What has he done to you?


FERN
Another goat wanders over and stops in the doorway. It makes a goat sound.
Ain't that. It's just... it's a half-measure. A half measure doesn't solve the problem. It's not sustainable; all it does is put off the inevitable, and make things worse in the process. Ephaeriod is getting dumber and dumber, but his anger isn't fading in the slightest. The damage he could do...


KHARAMAH
WALL
You think this damage is inevitable?
Mmm, goats. You like goats?


FERN
'''''Fern''': The wall in front of me may or may not be talking to me. But the fifth wall, that horrible hole back there that seems as though to be a window into the extended multiverse, I have no idea what is up with that.
He's stronger than any of us. It took everything we had just to bind him in the first place, so I dunno why we thought it could last. And when he gets out in full, he'sa wreck the place.
Like a damn goat. Bah.
Why are we trying to take the most powerful entity in the 'verse and turn him into a moron?


There is a pause as Kharamah declines to answer.
'''''Fern''': I think it's been there all along.


FERN
There's a knocking from the front door.
Seriously, did nobody think this through?


KHARAMAH
Nope.


FERN
EXT. Porch; Fern's house - day
Oh. Okay, then.


KHARAMAH
Three mismatched weirdos who can at best be collectively referred to as 'people', NATHAN, DARREN, and YASA, are all at the door. Nathan is standing somewhat hunched-over-like in a trenchcoat and fedora and dark shades, looking Not Suspicious At All, and bangs on the door knocker a bit.
What would you have us do? Release him now upon the worlds after all this time, after all this anger and pain?


FERN
Yasa is in an elegant black dress, very high-heeled boots, and impeccably matched jewellery. Her black dreads are tied back in an elaborate bun. She leans down and tries to peer in through the peephole.
Assuming killing him is off the table, why not? Beats the alternative. Sure, he'll wreck the place. It'll suck. But then it'll be over, and we'll get over it.
It's not like the place doesn't get wrecked sometimes already.


KHARAMAH
Darren, in jeans and a t-shirt, is slightly off to the side. He just looks bored.
Will you get over it after he destroys everything you hold dear?


FERN
Nathan knocks again, louder this time.
There will be new things. But we could always just guard the other things. Keep a few safe, hidden away from the devastation.


KHARAMAH
NATHAN
Those would be the first he goes after.
(yelling)
Fern, you useless fuck, you in there?


FERN
YASA
There is more than one way to guard something.
Oy, rude.


A scene materialises out of the black - Fern's goats, standing around a tree. A conspicuously large fern grows off to the side, strangely unharmed...


KHARAMAH
INT. Master bedroom; Fern's house - day
I don't think bluffing him will work.


FERN
Fern hears this, but doesn't even look up.
It was an example. Obviously Ephaeriod isn't a goat.


Kharamah bows his head and fades away. Fern sits there in the blackness for a time, thinking it over, then lies back down to try to get back to sleep.
WALL
You gonna get that?


Rhi appears next to her before she can, looming over her head. This Rhi is the little girl they first saw - without the anger, the fear, the confusion, only curiosity lighting her features as she looks down at Fern.
Fern doesn't respond to this either.


After a bit of a pause, such as there even can be in this place outside of time:


FERN
EXT. Porch; Fern's house - day
Hello, Rhi.


Rhi says nothing, but smiles.
NATHAN
That's sort of the point. Next up we're breaking an entering.


FERN
DARREN
I'm trying to take a nap, you know.
What is it with you and breaking and entering and kidnapping and larceny and fraud and piracy and grand theft and good god is there anything you ''haven't'' done at this point?


RHI
NATHAN
Why?
Shut up. I'm living my life.


FERN
Yasa gives Nathan a worried look.
Why not?


RHI
NATHAN
Oh. Okay.
(to Yasa)
He's exaggerating, anyhow. Only times I ever kidnapped anyone it was needed.
(yelling at the door)
Fern! If you don't answer, I'm breaking in!
 
DARREN
'Time''s''<nowiki/>'?
 
No answer comes.
 
NATHAN
Eh, fine.
 
Nathan gets out a lockpicking set and picks the lock.
 
DARREN
If you're not a hardened criminal, then why do you know how to do that?
 
Nathan pushes the door open and peers inside.
 
NATHAN
(over his shoulder)
Asks the wannabe hacker.


She fades away. Fern goes back to sleep.
DARREN
Yeah, and I'm sure you've done all the things with hookers.


Yasa ignores this exchange and heads inside.


YASA
(calling out worriedly)
Fern?


The others follow.




INT. Fern's house, inside - day


TWILIGHT ZONE GUY
They wind up in some sort of living room, with a kitchen area over an island opposite them.
<monologue>


The Twilight Zone Guy disappears in curls of smoke.
It's a bit of a mess. Potted, as well as de-potted, plants are everywhere, especially ferns. There is a goat chewing on one of them. Mail is all over the table, and dishes, including the remains of an apparently goated meal, are all over the counter. Several cats seem to have taken up residence.


PERCY
DARREN
Oh my god we've entered the Twilight Zone.
Somehow I don't think she's actually here.


NATHAN
NATHAN
Yes, I do believe we've rather firmly established that.
So we check all the rooms, see if there's any signs where she ''is''.


MAYA
Yasa approaches some of the cats, but they just scatter.
Was there supposed to be a punchline in there somewhere?


YASA
YASA
I've seen this one.
Wait, you don't mean... something might have happened to her?


NATHAN
NATHAN
It hits Paris?
No, clearly not. I mean, it's not like she's been missing for the better part of a week, or stuff.


YASA
YASA
(ignoring him)
Obviously not.
It's about a pair of newlyweds on their honeymoon. They take a wrong turn and wind up in a horrible nightmare office building. Well, that was what it looked like, anyway. Never was quite specified.
 
They split up to search the rooms.


ALEXIS
Nathan goes over to check out the kitchen area.
Is this an office building, then?
 
The floor on the other side of the island is full of bees. There is a beehive in the middle, surrounded by buzzing. Nathan gives it a long, unimpressed look before slowly backing away and leaving.


DARREN
Does it matter?


ALEXIS
INT. Bathroom; Fern's house - day
No, not really. Just interesting.


PERCY
A stray cat has taken over the guest bathroom. It growls as Yasa turns the light on.
How does it end? The episode.


YASA
YASA
They run into other versions of themselves and fight it out, each side convinced the other is impostors. Then right before the survivors get out they find that the others really were real and they killed them. The real ones. They killed themselves thinking they were them.
Hi, kitty.


The others look a bit skeptical.
The cat growls some more.


YASA
YASA
It's Twilight Zone. What did you expect?
Seen a tiny crazy plant lady around anywhere?
 
The cat growls.


DARREN
YASA
Nothing useful.
I'll take that as a no.


ALEXIS
Hold on - how do they get out?


<voices>
INT. Basement; Fern's house


The basement is completely empty aside from a bucket in the middle of the floor, full of what appear to be breadsticks.


Darren approaches it warily. He eyes it carefully. He picks up a breadstick and sniffs it.


Something shifts. There seem to be voices in the surrounding space. It's bigger than it was, emptier, and the lighting tilts...


DARREN
DARREN
Okay, so... now what?
What the...
 
VOICES
(whisper)
Dreamer...
 
Darren hastily drops the breadstick and everything goes back to normal.


NATHAN
Everything's dead. Suppose it stops being dead.


PERCY
INT. Living room; Fern's house - day
What?


MAYA
Yasa finds the back sofa room to be full of clothing dummies. Fabric and half completed projects are draped over them, and strewn across the furniture and floor. Several of the dummies have cats on them, which all procede to stare at her.
Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!


YASA
YASA
Zombies!
(threading her way between them)
Death broke out in chronic cats too.
 
The cats don't move, simply continue to stare, watching her as she passes.


PERCY
She holds her hand out to one, but it just stares at her, so she pets it a bit. It continues to stare at her.
(crossly)
Maya!
(to Yasa)
Must you encourage her?


ALEXIS
YASA
We should get outside.
Tense, are you?
 
MAYA
(ignoring Percy)
Is that where the zombies will be?


NATHAN
Giving the room a walk/jump through (the floor is a bit covered in obstacles), she finds it to be entirely devoid of Fern. She does find a goat, which quickly trots away as she rounds one of the sofas.
What are you thinking?


ALEXIS
Leaving, she nearly collides with Darren, and they both startle in a mildly cliché manner.
Like in an earthquake. Get under the open air. Less to fall on you.


Darren looks up for anything that seems to be loose, sees a somewhat precarious-looking light fixture, and hastily starts moving for the door. The others follow.


YASA
INT. Master bedroom; Fern's house - day
Aire libre.


MAYA
To Nathan, there are only four walls. Fern is sitting on the bed, staring at the wall adjacent.
It'll have tusks. I just know it.


There is a goat sitting on the floor in front of her.


As he enters, Fern doesn't look up.


Nathan plants himself over the goat.


NATHAN
NATHAN
So.
Oy Fern.
What are we going to do about this?


YASA
She doesn't move.
No idea.


MAYA
NATHAN
We break out, of course!
Midget. Crazy lady. DM.


YASA
Still no response.
Yeah?


MAYA
FERN
This is a game, right? Everything we need should be right here. What's in your pockets?
(in a whisper)
''Hahterite? Amear eona?


NATHAN
NATHAN
I don't think it...
What?
(he stops, looking around)
Nevermind our pockets. What's in the beds?




INT. Master bedroom; Fern's house - day


It's slightly later. Darren and Yasa have crowded in as well. The three of them are all standing around Fern at this point, and she's looking up at them curiously.


As a paladin, Alexis swears herself to Lokshmi.
'''''Fern''': These are my friends. At least, I think they are. I remember them as such. I can't quite remember what I should be doing with them.


LOKSHMI
DARREN
Well, aren't you a clever one.
So...


FERN
Are you real, then?


NATHAN
Yes.


Fern stares at him curiously, and then smiles ever so slightly.


PERCY (JOHN)
'''''Fern''': Friends. Yes. They're real.
How is this possible?


NATHAN (KISAI)
Nathen picks up Fern and hoists her over his shoulder, turns, and wordlessly trods out. The others follow.
No idea.


YASA (VANESSA)
The fifth wall also follows.
This doesn't feel at all like acid.


NATHAN (KISAI)
Eh?


YASA (VANESSA)
EXT. Fancy restaurant - evening
Just saying. It seems like it might actually be happening. Is it?


MAYA (JOCTHEES)
It's busy. People are around outside waiting, and a GUY with a pedestal at the entrance is tactfully fending them off.
Yes!
(she suddenly looks confused)
I hope?


Maya tries to eat out of her amful of doughnuts, ducking her head down and biting at them. It is only partially successful.
Yasa pushes her way through, walking deliberately and somewhat loudly as her heels clonk on the ground. Nathan and Darren are following, Nathan again carrying Fern. They're all still wearing the same clothes, though Fern now has a coat wrapped around her, and Darren a ratty jacket on. Nathan has lost his hat.


DARREN (THROLLOG)
Yasa stops in front of the guy and stares down at him.
(Staring at Maya somewhat disappointedly)
Uh-huh. Real.


Alexis shrugs.
GUY
(looking up)
Ah...


ALEXIS (DIANE)
YASA
Real or not, we should probably get moving. I don't know what this place is, but... well, I don't like it.
I believe we have a reservation.


Maya starts bouncing around offering everyone doughnuts.
GUY
And the name on...
(he stops, noticing Nathan and Darren)
Are they with you?


DARREN (THROLLOG)
NATHAN
(Ignoring Maya)
(leaning over the pedestal and leering a bit)
We've fallen into a story and you... 'don't like it'?
Hi.
And I'm a giant!


NATHAN (KISAI)
Darren pulls a cyan and hot pink checkered tie out of his pocket and ties it around his neck. Badly.
Half-giant, technically.


ALEXIS (DIANE)
DARREN
It's more than that. This place, it's too empty. Too quiet. Something's happened here.
Better?
(She gestures around the room)
This looks like a security office, but where are the guards? What's with the screens?  


Maya interrupts her by forcefully offering a doughnut, which Alexis takes and examines.
YASA
No.


ALEXIS (DIANE)
NATHAN
And the doughnuts?
Do you always carry that?


DARREN
You never know when you'll need to sell someone a previously owned coffin.


YASA
(to the guy)
Shahanna.


The guy gives her a confused look.


LOKSHMI
YASA
You've come out into a relatively stable fragment. When it merges with the rest of reality, things will become very crazy.
Sorry, the name on the reservation. It's Shahanna.


NATHAN
GUY
'Become' crazy?
(checking his book and then responding much more assuredly)
Oh, um. Yes. The rest of your party is waiting.


LOKSHMI
Do not test this reality, or it will only drive you mad.
Treat it as a dream, stick together, and get out. The narrative will guide you. Do not fight it.


ALEXIS
INT. Fancy restaurant - evening
How are we supposed to do that, get out? Or... out of what, our characters?


LOKSHMI
Nathan's sister, ALEXIS, is at a large corner table, along with another pair of siblings: PERCY and MAYA. Some appetisers are on the table. Alexis and Percy are chatting. Maya is on her phone, and nibbling at some dumplings.
Out of the world. Off Sarathi, past the broken space. One cataclysm at a time, Guardian.


NATHAN
Nathan plonks Fern down next to Maya and scoots in himself.
Not to be a downer or anything, but is that even possible? We haven't exactly come across a whole lot of functional tech.
 
DARREN
How far out is out? If we just get something to achieve escape velocity, we can totally kill ourselves in space.
 
LOKSHMI
That would be sufficient. Get off the planet, and get a signal out, and that will be enough for a rescue. When that happens, however, do not tell them who you are.


PERCY
PERCY
Why would anyone care?
Hey.


YASA
Maya pokes Fern with a dumpling.
Who are we?


MAYA
MAYA
I'm Anybody.
She... okay?


NATHAN
DARREN
We're Wayfarers, aren't we?
Ooo, food.


Lokshmi smiles unsettlingly, but the effect is somewhat ruined by Darren belching at the same time. She ignores him.
Darren sits down and digs in.
 
LOKSHMI
Yes... and you will find that this is not a world that takes kindly to trespassers.


ALEXIS
(looking at Darren very disappointedly)
Really?


DARREN
They didn't seem to mind.


ALEXIS
They have class and abide by all their customers.


DARREN
Whatever that is.


NATHAN
NATHAN
Fern said ours was a protected planet, only one god.
Sounds expensive.


YASA
YASA
What, that blahman thing is real?
The opposite of you two, probably.
 
Yasa also scoots in.


DARREN
Fern tentatively reaches out to poke an appetiser.
That'd explain a thing or two.


MAYA
Everyone watches her intently.
Really? What?


DARREN
She pokes it, and withdraws the arm.
A thing or two.
 
Maya skewers it on a fork and jabs it at Fern's face.


MAYA
MAYA
But what?
You eat it.


DARREN
Fern stares at it blankly.
A thing or two.


LOKSHMI
MAYA
Do you know nothing of what lies beyond that... one?
Shove it in your face. Like this.


YASA
Maya demonstrates shoving the food in her own face, then skewers another one and hands the fork to Fern.
Names. We've got lots of names. Like... like... well, some even in common. Teleoth, for instance. Oberoth, Cariya and Zhaloric, something about a Hazz...


DARREN
Fern stares at the skewered food for a bit, and then starts nibbling on it.
Has?


YASA
NATHAN
We needed someone to curse. A god of dead ends. Hazz'ridan.
So what exactly do we think is wrong with her?


ALEXIS
(shaking her head)
She can still speak, and seems to remember who you are?


NATHAN
Sort of?


YASA
It's like she's forgotten how to live. To be alive. She knows, but she's... forgotten.


ALEXIS
Stroke? But that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
DARREN
Why not? Can't aliens have strokes?


INT. SECURITY OFFICE - DAY
ALEXIS
I don't know. I'm a psychologist, not a doctor, and even if I were I don't think that'd really be my...
My only other guess might be some sort of PTSD, but if that's really the case, without some idea of what caused it, we'll never be able to properly address it or avoid potentially making it worse.


The room is full of screens, doughnuts, and a passed out party. None of the screens are operational - all are either dark or contain only fractal static - and the party looks as though someone upended a box of doughnuts over them. Two more unlabeled boxes are stacked on a desk.
PERCY
So what do we do?


Alexis wakes up first, and immediately notices things are off. Her body is not her own, this place is not one she knows, and she looks herself over as she gets up, catching a doughnut before it can fall off her leg. The others, too, she does not recognise, and looks them over with concern - but as they appear to be both alive and no immediate threat, she goes to check the door first.
FERN
Play.


What she sees appears to alarm her, as she shuts it almost immediately, and goes to wake Nathan (Kisai), shaking his/her shoulder.
Everyone just stops and stares at her, aside from Darren, who mumbles something about squirrels. Nathan smacks him.


ALEXIS (DIANE)
FERN
Hey. Wake up.
We play the game. That's why you were looking for me, right? So that's what we'll do.


NATHAN
NATHAN
Nnn what?
Er, are you sure? Are you up for that? There's a lot that goes into running a game, let alone a good one...
 
FERN
To bring a broken soul back from the abyss, you remind it what it is to live. You immerse it in the day to day, and slowly, it relearns how to function. That's the theory, anyway. I think... I think I just need to remember. May I borrow your sofa?


ALEXIS
ALEXIS
Hey.
Of course. Whatever you need.


Alexis shakes him again and he starts to sit up.
FERN
I think we all have a very long way to go.
 
</screenplay>
 
= Heap of mostly organised pieces =
 
{{collapse|This is all collapsed because the header is a lie.|2=
 
<screenplay>
EXT. Park - Day


NATHAN
DARREN, NATHAN, and ALEXIS are crossing the green on the way to the supermarket.
All right, all right.
Where am I?


ALEXIS
DARREN
Don't know. I just woke up myself. Do you recognise any of these others?
(flailing his arms)
No, no, no, no, no! You have it all wrong! I'm talking epic, here. Something truly epic, Star Wars epic, Babylon 5 epic, Lord of the Rings epic, Cthuhlu epic...


NATHAN
NATHAN
Not particularly.
Otherland epic? Godot epic... Guy trapped in his cubicle epic -
(he looks down at himself)
Hold on, am I a woman? I'm a woman. Why am I a woman?


ALEXIS
ALEXIS
(she smiles in spite of herself)
Epic like the Iliad? Or perhaps the Epic of Gilgamesh or Paradise Lost... perhaps Cantos?
I don't know, why?


NATHAN
There is an awkwardly long pause in which the other two look at Darren expectantly.
What... oh, no, no, no...


At the same time, Darren (Throllog) wakes up with a groan and smacks himself in the face. Nathan goes over to him cautiously as the half-giant starts to get up.
DARREN
What are those?


NATHAN
NATHAN
Hi. Is your name Darren, by any chance?
Epics.
Eh, what do they teach you in your schools here?


DARREN
DARREN
Yeah? Whatsit to...
(he stops)
They teach things in schools?
 
NATHAN
Aren't you ''in'' school?


Darren stops and looks down at Nathan, then examines his hands.
DARREN
Shuddup.


ALEXIS
They walk under a large tree.
I don't...
Wait, Nathan? Darren.


NATHAN
NATHAN
Right. We're our characters.
And what's the damn point if you can't even get someone to tell you the story?


Maya runs past gathering up doughnuts off the floor and others, waking the remaining members of the party.
Darren gives him an annoyed look.


MAYA
Suddenly Fern falls out, landing on Darren. There is a brief panic, a flailing, and then Alexis and Nathan manage to disentangle Fern and Darren.
Eeeeeeee donuts!


YASA
FERN
(she groans and starts to get up)
Urk urk urk.
Where... how much did I drink?
(she lies down again)
No, nevermind. Don't wanna know.


DARREN
DARREN
You're a what huh?
(standing up)
 
What the hell just happened?
PERCY
Er, I'm sorry, but what is all of this?


NATHAN
NATHAN
It's me, Nathan. I'm... well...
Fairy tale true love would be my guess.
That's Alexis, and I think you recognise your sister.


MAYA
ALEXIS
Donut?
Are you okay?


PERCY
DARREN
I don't... Maya?!
Seriously what the hell just happened?


MAYA
FERN
Yes! Wait, what?
(panicking)
No. I didn't do it.  
Uh, sorry.
</screenplay>


= Heap =
DARREN
You!
(turning on Fern)
You attacked me!


Fern:
FERN
(backing away)
Well, yes, I mean, no! That that's not it at all. See, this is all perfectly reasonable, because we are all perfectly reasonable people, and let's say you are a perfectly reasonable person out walking your perfectly reasonable dog and you bump into your perfectly reasonable neighbour, who was out collecting his perfectly reasonable morning paper; that's just as reasonable as a perfectly reasonable stranger that gets a perfectly reasonable idea and climbs a perfectly reasonable tree because she saw a perfectly reasonable squirrel!
See?
It's all perfectly reasonable!


Sense. Feeling. Memory. So much of it, and so much light and warmth and life. I could feel it all, all around me, in vast extent, and it all felt new and strange. Even as I remembered much of this the same as when living before, I didn't relate to it. The memories were there, supposedly mine, but they were just memories, same as the infinite multitude of others I had absorbed over the ages.
DARREN
Whaah...


No, this was different. These feelings, this sense, this space, it was all mine, in the now, with all of the past, present and future before me to be discovered... all mine. I felt like I could do anything, and this scared me. I knew that I felt like I could do anything, and this terrified me. And I felt myself terrified... and this, above all else, reassured me. It centered me, this terror, and in time, it became the entirety of my world, focusing on my fear, fear that I only recognised for what it was from what I had felt vicariously in the many souls that had already come to me, but something that I have never felt before myself...
NATHAN
Sorry?


I do not know how long I lay there, centered in my terror, surrounded by light, by so much everything and not daring to look at it, to touch it, to acknowledge its existence...
FERN
(cocking her head)
I... er... um...


And then a goat crashed in through the window, showering broken glass everywhere.
She turns and runs away.


DARREN
That just happened! What the hell was that?


=== Tree ===
NATHAN
Hmmm...
</screenplay>
 
== Kidnapping ==


<screenplay>
<screenplay>
EXT. Park - Day
EXT. Apartment complex - Night


DARREN, NATHAN, and ALEXIS are crossing the green on the way to the supermarket.
It is dark. Two figures, NATHAN and DARREN, are leaving an apartment complex, carrying something large and bulky - a parcel.


DARREN
DARREN
(flailing his arms)
Well, that went about as badly as expected.
No, no, no, no, no! You have it all wrong! I'm talking epic, here. Something truly epic, Star Wars epic, Babylon 5 epic, Lord of the Rings epic, Cthuhlu epic...


NATHAN
NATHAN
Otherland epic? Godot epic... Guy trapped in his cubicle epic -
Eh, it could have gone a whole lot worse.


DARREN
DARREN
I've seen that one. He gnaws his own arm off.
True. Someone could have seen.


NATHAN
They load the parcel into Darren's car.
Ow.


DARREN
DARREN
Seriously, though. We need something epic. Something really epic. Something -
Or smelled... or heard...


ALEXIS
NATHAN
Epic like the Iliad? Or perhaps the Epic of Gilgamesh or Paradise Lost... perhaps Cantos?
Smelled, eh... they still could. Except that they're probably used to the smell by now... If anyone ''noticed'', though... That would have gotten real interesting in a not good, not good at all sort of way, real quickly.


There is an awkwardly long pause.
DARREN
Worst they could do is arrest... uh. Wouldn't that be bad?
(he climbs in with the bundle and belts it down)
Well, at any rate, what do you suppose we should do with her?


DARREN
The parcel is revealed to be a duct-taped YASAKA NIHARI.
What are those?


NATHAN
Epics.
Eh, what do they teach you in your schools here?


DARREN
INT. Dark hallway - night
(he stops)
They teach things in schools?


ALEXIS
It is 20 minutes earlier. Daren and Nathan are standing outside a door; Nathan is holding a small paper bag.
(smiling)
Not to some students, evidently.


DARREN
DARREN
(he glares at her, continuing)
You sure this is the right apartment?
No, no, I mean a movie or a series or something. Everything lately has been so lame.


NATHAN
NATHAN
What about Avatar?
Well...


DARREN
DARREN
Don't get me started on that! It's just -
Is it the one she said?
 
NATHAN
Sure, it's the one she said, but right about now I'm having a few doubts as to whether or not it is the right one, if you get my drift...


ALEXIS
DARREN
You haven't even seen Avatar.
You think she lied about her apartment?


NATHAN
NATHAN
Heh...
Well, put it this way. Were you addicted to a game and had a friend coming to your area who had already, ah, expressed a distaste for said addiction, would *you* necessarily tell him where you lived?
Why are you so excitable over all this, anyhow? Just tele; not like we can actually live it.
 
DARREN
(he considers for a moment before answering)
Maybe.
Let me handle this.


ALEXIS
Darren knocks. Nothing happens, so he knocks again, louder.
Oh, don't be too sure. This is Darren we're talking about...


DARREN
DARREN
Oh, shut it.
Yaska Nehhari, we know you're in there. Open up!


They walk under a large tree. Suddenly Fern falls out, landing on Darren. There is a brief panic, a flailing, and then Alexis and Nathan manage to disentangle Fern and Darren.
A muffled clunk emits from inside.
 
FERN
Urk urk urk.


DARREN
DARREN
(standing up)
Ms. Nehhari, we're with the -
What the hell just happened?


NATHAN
NATHAN
Fairy tale true love would be my guess.
(cutting him off)
Yasa, it's Nathan. We brought food.


ALEXIS
The door immediately slams open and a highly dishevelled head pokes out.
Are you okay?


DARREN
YASA
Seriously what the hell just happened?
Really?!
(she sees Nathan and then hugs him)
Kawaii! You're even cuter than the picture!
 
NATHAN
(pushing Yasa away)
Now, now, love. Don't be so forward - technically we just met.
 
YASA
(she takes the bag from Nathan)
Oh, very funny.


FERN
She starts poking around in the bag and then retreats back into the dark room.
(panicking)
Uh, sorry.


DARREN
YASA
(turning on Fern)
What'd you bring, here...
You attacked me!


FERN
The others follow her in. Darren fumbles for a light switch for a bit, then manages to turn on the light, revealing a horrible mess.
(backing away)
Well, yes, I mean, no! That that's not it at all. See, this is all perfectly reasonable, because we are all perfectly reasonable people, and let's say you are a perfectly reasonable person out walking your perfectly reasonable dog and you bump into your perfectly reasonable neighbour, who was out collecting his perfectly reasonable morning paper; that's just as reasonable as a perfectly reasonable stranger that gets a perfectly reasonable idea and climbs a perfectly reasonable tree because she saw a perfectly reasonable squirrel!
See?
It's all perfectly reasonable!


DARREN
DARREN
Whaah...
I think it's time for plan B...
 
YASA
(looks up, eating a cupcake)
Hmm?


NATHAN
NATHAN
Sorry?
We had a plan A?
Oh. Yasa, the WoW marathon is over.


FERN
Yasa she drops cupcake melodramatically, throwing out an arm for some reason.
(cocking her head)
I... er... um...


She turns and runs away.
YASA
What?!


DARREN
DARREN
That just happened! What the hell was that?
Sorry to do this, but...
</screenplay>


Darren pulls a roll duct tape out of his vest, and an epic scene ensues in which Nathan and Darren attempt to overpower Yasa. There is much grabbing and flailing, after which Nathan manages to pin down Yasa, whilst Darren has at her with the roll of duct tape. Somehow, staple removers, nail guns, dead plants, a lamp, frying pans, crowbars, wax lips, and a small ferret also come into it. After much struggling, Yasa resembles a large parcel - the parcel seen previously.


=== Kidnapping ===
Then the door slams and all is quiet once more. Some stuff flutters down, including a doctor's appointment note...


<screenplay>
Yasa's cat pokes out of a corner and starts eating the abandoned cupcakes.
EXT. Apartment complex - Night


It is dark. Two figures, NATHAN and DARREN, are leaving an apartment complex, carrying something large and bulky - a parcel.


DARREN
INT. FERN'S HOUSE - NIGHT
Well, that went about as badly as expected.


NATHAN
Nathan and Darren hand Yasa over to Fern with a brief explanation as to why. They put her on the sofa and leave.
Eh, it could have gone a whole lot worse.


DARREN
FERN
True. Someone could have seen.
(unbinding Yasa)
They load the parcel into Darren's car.
Ah, little one... they meant no harm. But you are an interesting one... a lady of butterflies?
Or smelled... or heard...


NATHAN
YASA
Smelled, eh... they still could. Except that they're probably used to the smell by now... If anyone *noticed,* though... That would have gotten real interesting in a not good, not good at all sort of way, real quickly.
(she sits up groggily)
Nnnnnggg?
(looking around)
I... uh... yeah?


DARREN
FERN
Worst they could do is arrest... oh. Right.
You have not flown for awhile, little birdwing. What happened?
he climbs in with the bundle and belts it down
Well, at any rate, what do you suppose we should do with her?


The parcel is revealed to be a duct-taped YASAKA NIHARI.
YASA
Flown? What?


FERN
No matter, no matter.
(she stands)
Come, let's get you cleaned up.


INT. Dark hallway - night
YASA
(jumping back)
What?!


It is 20 minutes earlier. Daren and Nathan are standing outside a door; Nathan is holding a small paper bag.
Fern backs into a shadow, allowing her eyes to glow in the dim lighting.


DARREN
FERN
You sure this is the right apartment?
Cleeeaaaned.


NATHAN
Well...


DARREN
LATER
Is it the one she said?


NATHAN
Noises are coming from the bathroom.
Sure, it's the one she said, but right about now I'm having a few doubts as to whether or not it is the right one, if you get my drift...


DARREN
YASA
You think she lied about her apartment?
Agh! It burns! It burrrns!


NATHAN
: *fizzzzle*
Well, put it this way. Were you addicted to a game and had a friend coming to your area who had already, ah, expressed a distaste for said addiction, would *you* necessarily tell him where you lived?
: *scrub scrub*


DARREN
FERN
(he considers for a moment before answering)
Oh, hold still. It's like you never saw a bar of soap...
Maybe.
Let me handle this.


Darren knocks. Nothing happens, so he knocks again, louder.
YASA
Nooooo! Let me go! Let me gooo!


DARREN
: *splash*
Yaska Nehhari, we know you're in there. Open up!
: *scritttch*
: *explode*


A muffled clunk emits from inside.
FERN
You know, if you'd been eating properly the past few weeks, you'd probably be strong enough to just go...
But no. Instead you shall be cleaned


DARREN
: *clean*
Ms. Nehhari, we're with the -


NATHAN
YASA
(cutting him off)
Mercy!
Yasa, it's Nathan. We brought food.
Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow! OOWWW!


The door immediately slams open and a highly dishevelled head pokes out.
: *ploop*
: *streeeetch*


YASA
FERN
Really?!
It's just a hairbrush!
she sees Nathan and then hugs him
Kawaii! You're even cuter than the picture!


NATHAN
: *yank*
(pushing Yasa away)
Now, now, love. Don't be so forward - technically we just met.


YASA
YASA
(she takes the bag from Nathan)
Aaaagh!
Oh, very funny.
 
: *greeeek*
: *creeeEEEEEEEk*
: *screeEEEEAAAAAAAAAK*


She starts poking around in the bag and then retreats back into the dark room.
FERN
Oh, calm down.


YASA
YASA
What'd you bring, here...
You devil of a creature...


The others follow her in. Darren fumbles for a light switch for a bit, then manages to turn on the light, revealing a horrible mess.
: *scrub*


DARREN
FERN
I think it's time for plan B...
You talking to me or the toothbrush?


YASA
YASA
(looks up, eating a cupcake)
(sobbing)
Hmm?


NATHAN
: *smash*
We had a plan A?
: *dash*
Oh. Yasa, the WoW marathon is over.


Yasa she drops cupcake melodramatically, throwing out an arm for some reason.
FERN
I hope you don't mind dreadlocks...


YASA
YASA
What?!
(weakly)
What?


DARREN
: *scraaaatch*
Sorry to do this, but...
: *bash*


Darren pulls a roll duct tape out of his vest, and an epic scene ensues in which Nathan and Darren attempt to overpower Yasa. There is much grabbing and flailing, after which Nathan manages to pin down Yasa, whilst Darren has at her with the roll of duct tape. Somehow, staple removers, nail guns, dead plants, a lamp, frying pans, crowbars, wax lips, and a small ferret also come into it. After much struggling, Yasa resembles a large parcel - the parcel seen previously.
: *clonk*


Then the door slams and all is quiet once more. Some stuff flutters down, including a doctor's appointment note...


Yasa's cat pokes out of a corner and starts eating the abandoned cupcakes.
INT. SHAHANNA HOUSE - NIGHT
</screenplay>


Nathan and Darren tell Alexis about Yasa. And kidnapping her. And dumping her on the suspicious plant lady.


=== Cleaning ===
ALEXIS
Is that even legal?


<screenplay>
DARREN
INT. FERN's house
Who's going to press charges?


Nathan and Darren hand Yasa over to Fern with a brief explanation as to why. They put her on the sofa and leave.
ALEXIS
That's not the point. You did, technically, abduct her. Won't someone notice?


FERN
NATHAN
(unbinding Yasa)
How are interventions normally handled?
Ah, little one... they meant no harm. But you are an interesting one... a lady of butterflies?


YASA
ALEXIS
(she sits up groggily)
(she winces)
Nnnnnggg?
By family, I think.
(looking around)
I... uh... yeah?


FERN
NATHAN
You have not flown for awhile, little birdwing. What happened?
She has no family. We're her family.


YASA
DARREN
Flown? What?
We are?


FERN
NATHAN
No matter, no matter.
Remember Hunting Light?
(she stands)
Come, let's get you cleaned up.


YASA
Alexis looks at him quizzically.
(jumping back)
What?!


Fern backs into a shadow, allowing her eyes to glow in the dim lighting.
NATHAN
In World of Warcraft. Our guild? 'Hunting Light'. The one that... fell apart a few months ago?


FERN
DARREN
Cleeeaaaned.
(entirely too slowly/suddenly)
Oooooh, right! That one. Oops.


NATHAN
(rolling his eyes)
Uh-huh.
</screenplay>


LATER
== Story setup ==


Noises are coming from the bathroom.
<screenplay>
INT. Shahanna living room - Night


YASA
The party is gathered around Fern's chair, a large armchair pulled up to the coffee table.
Agh! It burns! It burrrns!
 
*fizzzzle*
*scrub scrub*


FERN
FERN
Oh, hold still. It's like you never saw a bar of soap...
Right, got the information for making the characters around here somewhere...


YASA
she rifles through her bag, then shoves her arms, head and shoulders into it in a desperate, all-out reach, then emerges victorious.
Nooooo! Let me go! Let me gooo!


*splash*
PERCY
*scritttch*
So, basically, we are... being these people? Things?
*explode*


FERN
ALEXIS
You know, if you'd been eating properly the past few weeks, you'd probably be strong enough to just go...
Basically. That, or you could say we are their authors. We say what they do, they do it. It's like writing a story, except each person controls one, and the 'dungeon master' controls the setting and everything else.
But no. Instead you shall be cleaned


*clean*
PERCY
...in dungeons?


YASA
ALEXIS
Mercy!
It's a figure of speech...
Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow! OOWWW!


*ploop*
PERCY
*streeeetch*
...a 'master' who has never done this before.


FERN
ALEXIS
It's just a hairbrush!
Hey, means we are in good company.


*yank*
Maya enters with a bowl of dumplings and places it on the table.


YASA
MAYA
Aaaagh!
Courtesy of the freezer and a well oiled frying pan!


*greeeek*
She eats some dumplings.
*creeeEEEEEEEk*
*screeEEEEAAAAAAAAAK*


FERN
FERN
Oh, calm down.
Erm, here. Stuff. Basic class descriptions, setting information I wrote at two in the morning, races, gods, more stuff you may or may not find useful...


YASA
She passes them around.
You devil of a creature...


*scrub*
DARREN
(not looking at them)
Meh... details.


FERN
ALEXIS
You talking to me or the toothbrush?
(reading)
So if I just want to... um... ninjas...? Next they'll have pirates in motorboats off Sumatra...


YASA
NATHAN
(sobbing)
Yeah, Lissal makes no sense.
 
*smash*
*dash*


FERN
FERN
I hope you don't mind dreadlocks...
You should be glad as many of the gods make sense as they do. Really, the things I could have put on there...


YASA
YASA
(weakly)
(holding a sheet upsidedown)
What?
Meh, sense.
(she turns the sheet rightsideup)
Who needs it? I could wonder why you made your own set of gods in the first...
Ooo, angry hornets!


*scraaaatch*
MAYA
*bash*
(starts)
Hornets?!


*clonk*
Percy and Alexis exchange amused looks.
</screenplay>




=== Story setup ===
INT. Shahanna living room - Day


<screenplay>
The group is gathered around the coffee table, D&D books and character sheets scattered around. There's a bowl of dumplings on top of them.
INT. Shahanna living room - Night


The party is gathered around Fern's chair, a large armchair pulled up to the coffee table.
FERN
(gesturing broadly)
Sarathi.
(she pauses for effect)
Blah blah blah rich planet blah blah floating cities blah. Blah lost contact blah no signals blah blah blah anyone who ventures there never heard from again, blah. Blah blah. Satellite imaging blah oddities blah blah.
(she leans forward)
Blah, Sarathi blah blah blah. Treasure blah blah blah blah blah.
(she grins, making a sweeping motion toward the others with her arm)
Blah blah blah so now you all are going to Sarathi blah for some reason, blah blah.
(another pause for effect, then with emphasis)
Blah!
 
Nathan facepalms.


FERN
FERN
Right, got the information for making the characters around here somewhere...
(looking confused)
What?


she rifles through her bag, then shoves her arms, head and shoulders into it in a desperate, all-out reach, then emerges victorious.
PERCY
Is that...


PERCY
Percy looks toward Alexis, confused.
So, basically, we are... being these people? Things?


ALEXIS
ALEXIS
Basically. That, or you could say we are their authors. We say what they do, they do it. It's like writing a story, except each person controls one, and the 'dungeon master' controls the setting and everything else.
(she half-shrugs, shaking her head)
No idea.


PERCY
DARREN
...in dungeons?
Wow.


ALEXIS
NATHAN
It's a figure of speech...
Fern... I mean this in the best possible way, but you're a horrible DM.


PERCY
MAYA
...a 'master' who has never done this before.
Really? I quite liked it.
 
NATHAN
You did?
 
MAYA
Certainly! It may seem trite to you, but I'll have you know that we have just been witness to nothing less than a distinctly satiric commentary on the state of modern entertainment, tying together principles of minimalism and suggestion to put more than merest description before us, but indeed concept, a concept from which we may create our very own worlds that are ever so much more dynamic than the flatness that would be one shared reality.


ALEXIS
Percy stares at Maya, mouth agape. Around the room glances are exchanged and eyebrows raised, whilst Maya looks decidedly proud of herself and then promptly gets sidetracked by a dumpling.
Hey, means we are in good company.


Maya enters with a bowl of dumplings and places it on the table.
FERN
I'll go with that.


MAYA
NATHAN
Courtesy of the freezer and a well oiled frying pan!
You didn't actually prepare anything, did you?
She eats some dumplings.


FERN
FERN
Erm, here. Stuff. Basic class descriptions, setting information I wrote at two in the morning, races, gods, more stuff you may or may not find useful...
(looking embarassed)
She passes them around.
Well... there was this meeting that came up all of a sudden, and others things kept coming up, and I had to deal with all the goats, and then I was going to write some intro, but I still had to put in the new window and all of a sudden it was time to come here and...


DARREN
DARREN
(not looking at them)
That sounds disturbingly familiar.
Meh... details.
 
Fern nods, looking frazzled.


ALEXIS
ALEXIS
(reading)
I'm sorry, but how did you even get in the house? I didn't see you come up...
So if I just want to... um... ninjas...? Next they'll have pirates in motorboats off Sumatra...
 
FERN
Er...


NATHAN
NATHAN
Yeah, Lissal makes no sense.
You came in the window, didn't you?


FERN
FERN
You should be glad as many of the gods make sense as they do.
Er.


Really, the things I could have put on there...
NATHAN
She came in the window.
 
DARREN
Great.
 
 
INT Kitchen - day


YASA
Yasa and Maya are poking at the saucer under a potted plant.
(holding a sheet upsidedown)
Meh, sense.
She turns the sheet rightsideup.
Who needs it? I could wonder why you made your own set of gods in the first...


Ooo, angry hornets!
ALEXIS
Oh, for the last time. That's wet soil, not dead ants.


MAYA
MAYA
(starts)
You... you sure?
Hornets?!
 
Percy and Alexis exchange amused looks.
</screenplay>
</screenplay>


== Miscellaneous fragments and things ==


=== Introduction ===
<screenplay>
<screenplay>
INT. Shahanna living room - Day
INT. Shahanna hallway - day


The group is gathered around the coffee table, D&D books and character sheets scattered around. There's a bowl of dumplings on top of them.
Fern is walking down muttering to herself.


FERN
FERN
(gesturing broadly)
I must tell them...
Sarathi.  
No, I cannot...
(she pauses for effect)
But I must tell someone...
Blah blah blah rich planet blah blah floating cities blah. Blah lost contact blah no signals blah blah blah anyone who ventures there never heard from again, blah. Blah blah. Satellite imaging blah oddities blah blah.
But them?
(she leans forward)
Someone...
Blah, Sarathi blah blah blah.
Why? Why tell anyone?
Treasure blah blah blah blah blah.
I must!
(she grins, making a sweeping motion toward the others with her arm)
No, I cannot tell them...
Blah blah blah so now you all are going to Sarathi blah for some reason, blah blah.
(another pause for effect, then with emphasis)
Blah!


Nathan facepalms.
NATHAN
Eh, tell whom what?


FERN
FERN
(looking confused)
(startled)
What?
Erm, Nathan... do you make a habit of loitering outside of bathrooms?


PERCY
NATHAN
Is that...
Only when someone hogs them for the past HALF HOUR.


Percy looks toward Alexis, confused.
MAYA
(inside)
Agh! Go away!


ALEXIS
FERN
(she half-shrugs, shaking her head)
Oh. I should probably come back later, then?
No idea.
 
DARREN
Wow.


NATHAN
NATHAN
Fern... you're a horrible DM.
You know, there are two other bathrooms.


MAYA
FERN
Really? I quite liked it.
Then why are you loitering outside this one?


NATHAN
NATHAN
You did?
It... I left... I mean... He turns red.
 
MAYA
Certainly! It may seem trite to you, but I'll have you know that we have just been witness to nothing less than a distinctly satiric commentary on the state of modern entertainment, tying together principles of minimalism and suggestion to put more than merest description before us, but indeed concept, a concept from which we may create our very own worlds that are ever so much more dynamic than the flatness that would be one shared reality.
 
Percy stares at Maya, mouth agape. Around the room glances are exchanged and eyebrows raised, whilst Maya looks decidedly proud of herself and then promptly gets sidetracked by a dumpling.


FERN
FERN
I'll go with that.
Aaaah, machinations of the male psyche. Intriguing.


NATHAN
Bloody hell, woman, no!


INT Kitchen - day
Yasa walks up behind him.


Yasa and Maya are poking at the saucer under a potted plant.
YASA
Nay-nay-chan... I'd have thought you would know better. Really, trying to peek on a girl as she -


ALEXIS
NATHAN
Oh, for the last time. That's wet soil, not dead ants.
Agh, shut it!


MAYA
YASA
You... you sure?
Seriously. You take me for an unserious, a flutterby of butterflies, a... um... unserious thing?
</screenplay>


NATHAN
Er... sorry?


=== Dilemmas ===
YASA
Yeah, I totally forgot what I was going to say there.


INT. Shahanna hallway - day
----


Fern is walking down muttering to herself.
NATHAN
And what about all you yankees here?


FERN
MAYA
I must tell them...
If we're yankees, then that would imply that you must be a yanker. Which would indicates that you're yanking our chains, so somehow you've got us in chains, which means it's high time that we, the proletariat, rise up in a glorious revolution and overthrow our yanker oppressors.
No, I cannot...
But I must tell someone...
But them?
Someone...
Why? Why tell anyone?
I must!
No, I cannot tell them...


NATHAN
NATHAN
Eh, tell whom what?
Er... nevermind.


FERN
He backs away and then turns to Percy.
(startled)
Erm, Nathan... do you make a habit of loitering outside of bathrooms?


NATHAN
NATHAN
Only when someone hogs them for the past HALF HOUR.
Remind me never to use slang again around your sister, much less ''ironic'' slang.


MAYA
Percy winces.
(inside)
Agh! Go away!


FERN
----
Oh. I should probably come back later, then?


NATHAN
INT. Somewhere
You know, there are two other bathrooms.


FERN
YASA
Then why are you loitering outside this one?
It's like bathrooms. Erm, public bathrooms - restrooms... with the stalls.
(she gestures to indicate the spacing)
People walk in and use the one on the end because they think it won't be as well used. Except enough people figure that that one won't be used and use it that it actually ends up the most used, you know?
(gesturing in the opposite direction)
So flip it around. Figure that people will figure it won't be used and use it, and so choose the one in the middle, instead. Except what if enough people figure that, then maybe using the ones on the end wouldn't be such a bad idea afterwards... but what if they figure that -


NATHAN
ALEXIS
It... I left... I mean... He turns red.
(cutting her off)
Yasa, people don't generally think that much.


FERN
YASA
Aaaah, machinations of the male psyche. Intriguing.
(after a pause)
What, am I not a person?


NATHAN
DARREN
Bloody hell, woman, no!
Clearly not.


Yasa walks up behind him.
----


YASA
INT. Somewhere - probably.
Nay-nay-chan... I'd have thought you would know better. Really, trying to peek on a girl as she -


NATHAN
FERN
Agh, shut it!
Dildos?


YASA
YASA
Seriously. You take me for an unserious, a flutterby of butterflies, a... um... unserious thing?
Pfft, dildos... if you want to just stick something in you, it's not so incredibly difficult to pick up some guy in a bar and stick him in you, you know. Just make sure he understands condoms and even the texture is about the same. Cheaper too, really.
But that's the thing, right? If you're just you, why would you stick some little thing inside yourself? Sure, that's what sex involves, but if you just want pleasure there's no need for any of that squelchy stuff. Skip that, right? Straight to the orgasm.


NATHAN
Nathan starts to enter, then just stops in the doorway and stares. The two women haven't noticed him yet.
Er... sorry?


YASA
FERN
Yeah, I totally forgot what I was going to say there.
(looking slightly amused)
</screenplay>
Would it creep you out if I said I knew exactly where you're going with this, how you came to this conclusion, and that I utterly agree despite not being entirely sure what a 'vacuum cleaner' is?


YASA
What...
(she stares at Fern)
I... Yes, it most certainly would.


=== Hams ===
NATHAN
(he blinks)
Vacuum cleaner?


INT. Sarathi camp - night
They don't hear him.


Most of the party is trying to sleep. Nathan is glumly sitting an insomniac watch. Yasa gets up and wanders off, and Maya does the same, but in a different direction.
FERN
Then I did not say that.


Maya pokes around, looks in various rooms, exploring. She finds one full of fanged hams.
YASA
Actually, that's...


MAYA
FERN
Yay! Magic food!
(brightly)
Please continue.
MAYA
(half singing)
Oooh, magical food. Wonder what it tastes like... perhaps it can turn me into a mutant! A... vegetarian mutant, because it would be cannibalism to eat ham.
And there's no meat out there besides ham, of course.
Or does magical ham eat ham? Perhaps they eat regular ham? But wouldn't that still be cannibalism?


She smiles to herself.
YASA
You know what? Just...
(she takes a step backwards)
How could you possibly know that?


MAYA
FERN
Well, now I'm curious! But how to find out...?
I know too much.
And I still wonder what it tastes like.


The hams start sqlorsh/sqrawing toward her.
YASA
How much?


MAYA
FERN
Oh... well. Let's see, now.  
A few things. A lot of things. Most things, really. Not quite everything, though, and a lot of it hasn't happened yet, and some of it isn't real, and almost none of it is any use at all, really...


She picks up two nearby ones.
She trails off, her mind clearly elsewhere.


MAYA
NATHAN
Excuse me Mr. and Mrs. Magical Ham, I just need you for a little experiment. That's fine by you, right?
What did I just...
(he stops, the strangest expression on his face)


She grins, nods what might be the head of one of them, and answers for it in a play-voice.
YASA
(turning red)
Whoopsie.


MAYA
FERN
'Of course, dear, go right ahead.'
(she turns toward Nathan)
Nathan, do you have a vacuum cleaner?


Maya tries to feed the hams to each other. One of them tries to bite her and succeeds in smacking her in the face. She flails and drops the hams.
NATHAN
That's just... I was just... I mean...
(He sputters)
I... I was just leaving.
(he gestures back toward the door)
Outward. Yes.


MAYA
Nathan hastily turns around and leaves.
Oweee!
</screenplay>


Maya stares pointedly at the one, then at the other. The entire horde starts coming toward her again, so Maya grabs a piece of smashed door and swings at them; a few go flying but seem unharmed.
== Sarathi ==


MAYA
=== Transition ===
Eee?


As Maya turns and runs away screaming, the hams give chase.
<screenplay>
INT. SECURITY OFFICE - DAY


The room is full of screens, doughnuts, and a passed out party. None of the screens are operational - all are either dark or contain only fractal static - and the party looks as though someone upended a box of doughnuts over them. Two more unlabelled boxes are stacked on a desk.


INT. Sarathi temple - night
Alexis wakes up first, and immediately notices things are off. Her body is not her own, this place is not one she knows, and like a dream, nothing fits, and yet everything sort of feels like it's normal. She gets up and catches a doughnut before it can fall off her leg. The others, too, she does not recognise, and looks them over with concern - but as they appear to be both alive and no immediate threat, she goes to check the door first.


Yasa enters a large hall that may be a temple, full of cat images.
What she sees appears to alarm her, as she shuts it almost immediately, and goes to wake Nathan (Kisai), her shoulder.
YASA
Someone really likes cats...
Midriin, Araktil, Lissal...
Kiria...
(she smiles)
Ah, hello, Shakhi...


LOKSHMI appears behind her.
ALEXIS (DIANE)
Hey. Wake up.


LOKSHMI
NATHAN (KISAI)
What, no hello for me?
Nnn what?
YASA
(turning)
Er...
Hi?
Where are you?


LOKSHMI
ALEXIS (DIANE)
(pointing toward the end of the hall)
Hey.
Down there.


YASA
Alexis shakes him again and he starts to sit up.
Lokshmi, three-tailed, keeper of secrets, the glimmer of death, a destroyer at heart... you are the goddess of the night, of fury, frozen fire, memory, past, revenge...


LOKSHMI
NATHAN (KISAI)
You surprise me, lady butterfly. Are you generally so versed in the gods of far off worlds?
All right, all right.
Where am I?


YASA
ALEXIS (DIANE)
Nope! But Fern seemed to like you.
Don't know. I just woke up myself. Do you know anyone here?


LOKSHMI
NATHAN (KISAI)
Fern... she isn't with you.
Not particularly.
(he looks down at himself)
Hold on, am I a woman? I'm a woman. Why am I a woman?


YASA
ALEXIS (DIANE)
No.
(she smiles in spite of herself)
I don't know, why?


INT. Sarathi camp
NATHAN (KISAI)
What... oh, no, no, no...


Maya runs, screaming, into camp chased by a horde of fanged hams and then tries to lead them through the fire.
At the same time, Darren (Throllog) wakes up with a groan and smacks himself in the face. Nathan goes over to him cautiously as the half-giant starts to get up.


PERCY
NATHAN (KISAI)
Oh, this again...
Hi. Is your name Darren, by any chance?


ALEXIS
DARREN (THROLLOG)
Again? Does your sister make a habit of being chased by hams, then?
Yeah? Whatsit to...


Maya makes another pass through the fire.
Darren stops and looks down at Nathan, then examines his hands.


PERCY
ALEXIS (DIANE)
Well... no, but Maya's always had a weak spot for ham?
I don't...
Wait, Nathan? Darren.


Lokshmi and Yasa enter.
NATHAN (KISAI)
Right. We're our characters.


LOKSHMI
Maya runs past gathering up doughnuts off the floor and others, waking the remaining members of the party.
Enough!
Down, hams!


The hams obey and stop.
MAYA (JOCTHEES)
Eeeeeeee donuts!


LOKSHMI
YASA (VANESSA)
Well, well. You and yours really are full of surprises, Lady Birdwing.
(she groans and starts to get up)
Where... how much did I drink?
(she lies down again)
No, nevermind. Don't wanna know.


Darren startles awake and looks blearily at the hams and then goes back to sleep.
DARREN (THROLLOG)
You're a what huh?


YASA
PERCY (JOHN)
Yeah, but I believe the proper word is 'issues'. We have issues.
Er, I'm sorry, but what is all of this?


Maya carefully picks up a ham with a pair of chopsticks, then casually pokes another ham with it.
NATHAN (KISAI)
She grins, roasts them both, and starts eating one.
It's me, Nathan. I'm... well...
That's Alexis, and I think you recognise your sister.


MAYA
MAYA (JOCTHEES)
Isn't it nice being eaten, Mrs. Magical Ham?
Donut?
(singsong, waggling its 'head')
'Oh yes, dear, we do love providing little girls with proper protein.'
You taste deliciously, too!
'Oh, that's sweet of you, dear.'
LOKSHMI
I see.
</screenplay>


PERCY (JOHN)
I... Maya?!


----
MAYA (JOCTHEES)
Yes! Wait, what?
No. I didn't do it.


PERCY (JOHN)
How is this possible?


LOKSHMI
NATHAN (KISAI)
(to Alexis)
No idea.
For a paladin, you choose interesting company. Willingly travelling with the chaotic evil?


ALEXIS
YASA (VANESSA)
Those two? Please. The only reason they ended up 'evil' was becasue 'lazy moron' wasn't an allignment option.
This doesn't feel at all like acid.


YASA
NATHAN (KISAI)
(imitating Darren)
Eh?
'Throllog smash stuff good! Throllog beat you! Graaaw!'


she eyes Alexis suspiciously.
YASA (VANESSA)
Just saying. It seems like it might actually be happening. Is it?


Wait, are you calling me a lazy moron?
MAYA (JOCTHEES)
Yes!
(she suddenly looks confused)
I hope?


Nathan and Percy exchange looks.
Maya tries to eat out of her amful of doughnuts, ducking her head down and biting at them. It is only partially successful.


ALEXIS
DARREN (THROLLOG)
(smiling)
(Staring at Maya somewhat disappointedly)
Someone had to keep them out of trouble.
Uh-huh. Real.


LOKSHMI
Alexis shrugs and picks up her weapon.
(she nods)
Know this.


Your characters hail from Hakeris Veroun, but this is Arikdirin Vak. You will find little respite here should you try to pursue their pasts.
ALEXIS (DIANE)
Real or not, we should probably get moving. I don't know what this place is, but... well, I don't like it.


ALEXIS
Maya starts bouncing around offering everyone doughnuts.
And these are...


NATHAN
DARREN (THROLLOG)
Universes?
(Ignoring Maya)
We've fallen into a story and you... 'don't like it'?
And I'm a giant!


LOKSHMI
NATHAN (KISAI)
Yes.
Half-giant, technically.


I can tell you this, for what little good it may do you: here, it is Ajirad and Irundha of Arikdirin Vak who reign king of the sandcastle. Be wary of them, for they do not abide by the same standards of mercy as your own Karamah of Lijria Savai.
ALEXIS (DIANE)
It's more than that. This place, it's too empty. Too quiet. Something's happened here.
(She gestures around the room)
This looks like a security office, but where are the guards? What's with the screens? If this is Sarathi, we need to get out of here, now.


MAYA
Maya interrupts her by forcefully offering a doughnut, which Alexis takes and examines.
King.


ALEXIS
ALEXIS (DIANE)
These are all kings?
And the doughnuts?


LOKSHMI
NATHAN (THROLLOG)
It is what we call them. Madmen named and charged with the protection of all that is, of all that we have and are. We may venerate these kings, we may curse them, we may ignore them outright, but they are always there.
It's Sarathi.


MAYA
ALEXIS (DIANE)
(playing with a ham)
Yeah. And we ''need to get out of here.''
Except when they're not.


LOKSHMI
Everyone basically agrees and there is much nodding and agreeing and stuff. Nobody actually does anything.
We are barred from those worlds.


MAYA
Alexis sighs and bonks the door back open, pointing her rod-gun down the hall in a surprisingly practised motion, then heads out taking point.
(ventriloquising the ham)
We are barred from those worlds.


LOKSHMI
The others follow in a disorderly gaggle of followingness, Maya grabbing a whole box of doughnuts on the way out and continuing to try to give them to everyone else.
Cute.


MAYA
(brightening)
Aren't they?


=== Cell ===


INT. Cell)
Yasa, Maya, and Nathan are sitting in a cell. A GUARD is standing guard outside.


YASA
DARREN
I'm bored.
So... has anyone touched any strange black stones recently?


MAYA
NATHAN
I'm bored.
That's a television series.


YASA
DARREN
Bored.
And we're in another galaxy in our D&D characters' bodies.
 
MAYA
Very bored.


Nathan glowers at them from the other bed.
Nathan looks at him skeptically.


YASA
YASA
Incredibly bored. she picks up a pebble.
You know, he's got a point.


MAYA
Astoundingly bored. also picks up a pebble, and bounces it off the guard's head


This is boring.


The Guard he stops, turns, and thumps on the bars for emphasis.
INT. Sarathi camp - night


{{line..Guard)
Most of the party is trying to sleep. Nathan is glumly sitting an insomniac watch. Yasa gets up and wanders off, and Maya does the same, but in a different direction.
Will you shut up?!


The guard then moves further away, out of range.
Maya pokes around, looks in various rooms, exploring. She finds one full of fanged hams.


MAYA
MAYA
Still boring.
Yay! Magic food!
 
YASA
Boring.


MAYA
MAYA
Boring.
(half singing)
Oooh, magical food. Wonder what it tastes like... perhaps it can turn me into a mutant! A... vegetarian mutant, because it would be cannibalism to eat ham.
And there's no meat out there besides ham, of course.
Or does magical ham eat ham? Perhaps they eat regular ham? But wouldn't that still be cannibalism?


NATHAN
She smiles to herself.
The bloody hell'd you do that for?


MAYA
MAYA
Was boring.
Well, now I'm curious! But how to find out...?
And I still wonder what it tastes like.


YASA
The hams start sqlorsh/sqrawing toward her.
You have a better idea?


Maya picks up another pebble and looks at it, considering.
MAYA
Oh... well. Let's see, now.


She picks up two nearby ones.


=== Face off ===
MAYA
Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Magical Ham, I just need you for a little experiment. That's fine by you, right?


Space between space, time between time)
She grins, nods what might be the head of one of them, and answers for it in a play-voice.
Fern and Irundha float in the void.


FERN
MAYA
Alright, you have my attention. What is it that you want?
'Of course, dear, go right ahead.'


{{line..Irundha)
Maya tries to feed the hams to each other. One of them tries to bite her and succeeds in smacking her in the face. She flails and drops the hams.
The same thing as you want.


FERN
MAYA
A bucket-full of muffins?
Oweee!


{{line..Irundha)
Maya stares pointedly at the one, then at the other. The entire horde starts coming toward her again, so Maya grabs a piece of smashed door and swings at them; a few go flying but seem unharmed.
To exist.


FERN
MAYA
Oh, well. That's boring.
Eee?


{{line..Irundha)
As Maya turns and runs away screaming, the hams give chase.
Do you not value existence?


FERN
Of course. But that does not devalue the alternative. The lack, the absense, the death that gives life meaning...


{{line..Irundha)
INT. Sarathi temple - night
As is my domain... tell me. Where does the valued go with this?


FERN
Yasa enters a large hall that may be a temple, full of cat images.
Around?


Just live a little, Irundha. We're all so terrible at it, but when we do, it's grand.
YASA
Someone really likes cats... wait, a muffin? Midriin? Then this would be Araktil, Lissal... Kiria...
(she smiles)
Ah, hello, Shakhi...


The two dark sisters stare each other down.
LOKSHMI appears behind her.


FERN
LOKSHMI
Well, this is awkward.
What, no hello for me?


{{line..Irundha)
YASA
(shaking her head)
(turning)
Existence was like a walking purgatory for you...
Er... hi?
Where are you?


Neither dead nor alive, never feeling a thing...
LOKSHMI
(pointing toward the end of the hall)
Down there.


Just existing.  
YASA
Lokshmi, three-tailed, keeper of secrets, the glimmer of death, a destroyer at heart... you are the goddess of the night, of fury, frozen fire, memory, past, revenge...


Existing.
LOKSHMI
You surprise me, lady butterfly. Are you generally so versed in the gods of far off worlds?


FERN
YASA
Things change.
Nope! But Fern seemed to like you.
 
LOKSHMI
Fern... she isn't with you.


{{line..Irundha)
YASA
Do they?
No... you wouldn't happen to know what's going on, would you?
FERN
Things are how they are. They will always will be how... however they are. At the time.


There is no better or worse, but there is change.
LOKSHMI
Ah, now you are definitely being more astute than your character.


{{line..Irundha)
Then how can you possibly condone change? Or action? Or do anything at all?


FERN
INT. Sarathi camp - night
Without words, of course. Is is, but that don't make it right, and just because there ain't not such thing as right don't mean you can't want right when it ain't there. Any goat could tell you that.


=== Bathrooms ===
Maya runs, screaming, into camp chased by a horde of fanged hams and then tries to lead them through the fire.


YASA
PERCY
It's like bathrooms. Erm, public bathrooms - restrooms... with the stalls.
Oh, this again...
she gestures to indicate the spacing
People walk in and use the one on the end because they think it won't be as well used. Except enough people figure that that one won't be used and use it that it actually ends up the most used, you know?
gesturing in the opposite direction
So flip it around. Figure that people will figure it won't be used and use it, and so choose the one in the middle, instead. Except what if enough people figure that, then maybe using the ones on the end wouldn't be such a bad idea afterwards... but what if they figure that -


ALEXIS
ALEXIS
(cutting her off)
Again? Does your sister make a habit of being chased by hams, then?
Yasa, people don't generally think that much.


YASA
Maya makes another pass through the fire.
(after a pause)
What, am I not a person?


DARREN
PERCY
Clearly not.
Well... not exactly, but Maya's always had a weak spot for ham?


Lokshmi and Yasa enter.


=== Phone call ===
LOKSHMI
Enough!
Down, hams!


INT. A cluttered room)
The hams obey and stop.
time=Day)
A sleeping woman, {{cap)
Fern, is sprawled on a sofa with three cats sitting on her. A laptop is open on the end table, on which the following conversation is shown:


:(10:32:22) {{cap)
LOKSHMI
Alebran D'tariel: Poke
Well, well. You and yours really are full of surprises, Lady Birdwing.
:(10:32:23) {{cap)
Nobody: Auto-reply: wut
:(11:04:18) {{cap)
Alebran D'tariel: Poke
:(11:04:18) {{cap)
Nobody: Auto-reply: wut
:(11:18:46) {{cap)
Alebran D'tariel: Poke
:(11:18:46) {{cap)
Nobody: Auto-reply: wut
:(12:20:01) {{cap)
Alebran D'tariel: Poke
:(12:20:02) {{cap)
Nobody: Auto-reply: wut
:(12:52:50) {{cap)
Alebran D'tariel: Poke
:(12:52:51) {{cap)
Nobody: Auto-reply: wut
:(13:18:56) {{cap)
Alebran D'tariel: Poke
:(13:18:56) {{cap)
Nobody: Auto-reply: wut


Fern sits up partially, dislodging two cats, and, upon seeing the screen, pulls it toward her and types:
Darren startles awake and looks blearily at the hams and then goes back to sleep.


:(13:19:16) {{cap)
YASA
Nobody: WHAT!
Yeah, but I believe the proper word is 'issues'. We have issues.


The response appears:
Maya carefully picks up a ham with a pair of chopsticks, then casually pokes another ham with it.
She grins, roasts them both, and starts eating one.


:(13:19:32) {{cap)
MAYA
Alebran D'tariel: PUT ON YOUR TARGED HEADSET, WOMAN!
Isn't it nice being eaten, Mrs. Magical Ham?
(singsong, waggling its 'head')
'Oh yes, dear, we do love providing little girls with proper protein.'
You taste deliciously, too!
'Oh, that's sweet of you, dear.'


With a groan, she sits up entirely and unmutes the headset already on her head.
LOKSHMI
I see.


FERN
<stuff>
(yelling as loudly as she can into the mic with another cat still sitting on her)
What?!


{{line..Alebran)
LOKSHMI
(Over the headset)
(to Alexis)
You suck.
You choose interesting company. Willingly travelling with the damned?


FERN
ALEXIS
(She pauses, rubbing her eye.)
Those two? Please. The only reason they ended up 'evil' was becasue 'lazy moron' wasn't an allignment option.
Huh?<br>You spent the past three hours poking me to tell me that, of all things?


{{line..Alebran)
YASA
You really suck?
(imitating Darren)
'Throllog smash stuff good! Throllog beat you! Graaaw!'
(she eyes Alexis suspiciously)
Wait, are you calling me a lazy moron?


FERN
Nathan and Percy exchange looks.
Are you... entirely aware what 'suck' means?


{{line..Alebran)
ALEXIS
Legs?
(smiling)
Someone had to keep them out of trouble.


FERN
LOKSHMI
What?
(she nods)
Know this.
<br>
Your characters hail from Hakeris Veroun, but this is Arikdirin Vak. You will find little respite here should you try to pursue their pasts.


{{line..Alebran)
ALEXIS
(He mumbles incoherently)
And these are...
Sorry, uh, translator may have miscallibrated again.<br>What I meant to say was that you're very wonderful and benevolent and glorious and adjective and are you busy tonight?


FERN
NATHAN
Er...<br>Alebran, darling, I know you're dense, but it's been over a year. Couldn't you at least say 'hi' before propositioning me?
Universes?
she pushes a cat away
It's only being proper.


{{line..Alebran)
LOKSHMI
Hi.
Yes.
<br>
I can tell you this, for what little good it may do you: here, it is Ajirad and Irundha of Arikdirin Vak who reign king of the sandcastle. Be wary of them, for they do not abide by the same standards of mercy as your own Karamah of Lijria Savai.


A silence ensues, during which the cats return to Fern's couch, lap, and shoulder, making themselves comfortable.
MAYA
King.


FERN
ALEXIS
(She pinches her nose)
That's quite a bit to parse.
Hello. How are you?


{{line..Alebran)
LOKSHMI
I'm not dead.
They are universes, and the ones who guard them at their hearts we call Kings.
Madmen named and charged with the protection of all that is, of all that we have and are. We may venerate these kings, we may curse them, we may ignore them outright, but they are always there.


FERN
MAYA
Yes...
(playing with a ham)
Except when they're not.


Another silence passes, this time punctuated by the shoulder cat falling off, catching a claw in Fern's shoulder on the way down.
LOKSHMI
We are barred from those worlds.


FERN
MAYA
(she yelps
(ventriloquising the ham)
We are barred from those worlds.


{{line..Alebran)
LOKSHMI
What?
Cute.


FERN
MAYA
Cat, sorry. Gods, Alebran, you utterly suck at this.
(brightening)
Aren't they?


{{line..Alebran)
<words>
What?


FERN
LOKSHMI
Conversing. Like a normal person. Were I clever, I could make a joke right now about you not knowing what a normal person is, but it would be entirely lost upon you anyway.
You've come out into a relatively stable fragment. When it merges with the rest of reality, things will become very crazy.


{{line..Alebran)
NATHAN
No, I know what normal people are. They're like the folks whose house I've been sneaking into to use their bathroom while they're not looking.
'Become' crazy?


FERN
LOKSHMI
And that's just not normal.
Do not test this reality, or it will only drive you mad.
Treat it as a dream, stick together, and get out. The narrative will guide you. Do not fight it.


{{line..Alebran)
ALEXIS
Hey, that's why I need you to come by, help me recover my own bathroom. Please?
How are we supposed to do that, get out? Or... out of what, our characters?


FERN
LOKSHMI
Alebran, I've got goats.
Out of the world. Off Sarathi, past the broken space. One cataclysm at a time, Guardian.


{{line..Alebran)
NATHAN
Please, Sadzi? You're my only hope. Seriously, their bath salts are driving me nuts.
Not to be a downer or anything, but is that even possible? We haven't exactly come across a whole lot of functional tech.


FERN
DARREN
Uh...
How far out is out? If we just get something to achieve escape velocity, we can totally kill ourselves in space.
she pauses, pinching the bridge of her nose
Y'all right, fine. But you'd better not pull anything too weird. And I really do need to feed the goats first.


{{line..Alebran)
LOKSHMI
You're the best not dead ex-girlfriend I never had.
That would be sufficient. Get off the planet, and get a signal out, and that will be enough for a rescue. When that happens, however, do not tell them who you are.


PERCY
Why would anyone care?


=== Wall ===
YASA
Who are we?


EXT. Terras street)
MAYA
time=Day)
I'm Anybody.
FERN and ALEBRAN lean over a fence by one of the neighbours' houses, chatting.


{{line..Alebran)
NATHAN
It's over. It's all over... we put that behind us. No more saving the world, no more fighting for survival.
We're Wayfarers, aren't we?
He gestures grandly
I am here and I am now and my most pressing concern is whether or not to get a dog.


FERN
Lokshmi smiles unsettlingly, but the effect is somewhat ruined by Darren belching at the same time. She ignores him.
Ah, you watched it.


{{line..Alebran)
LOKSHMI
Eyup. Good show.<br>
Yes... and you will find that this is not a world that takes kindly to trespassers.
I really am considering a dog, though.
What do you know of your own Realm?


FERN
NATHAN
Three heads, max, or I'll sic my cat on you.
Not much.
Fern said ours was a protected planet, only one god.


{{line..Alebran)
YASA
Which one?
What, that blahman thing is real?


FERN
DARREN
The scary one.
That'd explain a thing or two.


{{line..Alebran)
MAYA
Er... why?
Really? What?


FERN
DARREN
I... I promised your neighbours you'd tone it down.
A thing or two.


{{line..Alebran)
MAYA
Well, that was dumb.
But what?
 
DARREN
A thing or two.


FERN
Maya gives him an annoyed look of icy death.
(She sighs)
Yes.


LOKSHMI
Do you know nothing of what lies beyond that... one?


=== Vacuum cleaner ===
NATHAN
Names. Some even in common. Teleoth, for instance. Oberoth, Cariya and Zhaloric, something about a Hazz...


FERN
DARREN
Dildos?
Has?


YASA
YASA
Pfft, dildos... if you want to just stick something in you, it's not so incredibly difficult to pick up some guy in a bar and stick him in you, you know. Just make sure he understands condoms and even the texture is about the same. Cheaper too, really.<br/>
Hazz'ridan. We needed someone to curse. A god of dead ends.
But that's the thing, right? If you're just you, why would you stick some little thing inside yourself? Sure, that's what sex involves, but if you just want pleasure there's no need for any of that squelchy stuff. Skip that, right? Straight to the orgasm.


Nathan starts to enter, then just stops in the doorway and stares. The two women haven't noticed him yet.
NATHAN
He was already there.


FERN
(looking slightly amused)
Would it creep you out if I said I knew exactly where you're going with this, how you came to this conclusion, and that I utterly agree despite not being entirely sure what a 'vacuum cleaner' is?


YASA
What...
she stares at Fern
I... Yes, it most certainly would.


NATHAN
INT. Somewhere on Sarathi
(he blinks)
Vacuum cleaner?


They don't hear him.
They run into a CORALINE.


FERN
CORALINE
Then I did not say that.  
Agh! Oh, gods, you scared me.


YASA
ALEXIS
Actually, that's...  
Could say the same of you. You alright?


FERN
CORALINE
(brightly)
Yeah... er, wait, are you real? You need to get out of here!
Please continue.


YASA
NATHAN
You know what? Just...
Ya think?
she takes a step backwards
How could you possibly know that?


FERN
CORALINE
I know too much.
Sorry.


YASA
PERCY
How much?
Wait, wait. Are ''we'' real?


FERN
MAYA
A few things. A lot of things. Most things, really. Not quite everything, though, and a lot of it hasn't happened yet, and some of it isn't real, and almost none of it is any use at all, really...
Everyone's real here. Even people who aren't, and things that are. We're passing through a quintessential paradox, and the dream is walking at a stately gait of 2.7 miles per hour.
(to Coraline)
How did you get here?


she trails off, her mind clearly elsewhere
CORALINE
Book. Well, I mean... dreaming, basically.


NATHAN
DARREN
What did I just...
(staring at Maya)
he stops, the strangest expression on his face
What.


{{Line)
ALEXIS
Yasa)
Who are you?
(turning red)
Whoopsie.


FERN
CORALINE
(she turns toward Nathan)
Name's Adora.
Nathan, do you have a vacuum cleaner?


NATHAN
NATHAN
That's just... I was just... I mean...
Not Adora Belle?
He sputters
 
I... I was just leaving.
CORALINE
he gestures back toward the door
That's a horrible pun and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Outward. Yes.


Nathan hastily turns around and leaves.
NATHAN
Oh, I am. Constantly.


=== Wandering ===
PERCY
Adora, do you know what's happening here?


EXT. Street)
CORALINE
time=Night
To Sarathi, you mean?
(When they give no response, she continues)
Not really, no. Just the histories. It was a major disaster, taking the whole planet out of the world, spanning universes, but as far as what really happened, or what caused it... it's one of the great mysteries.


FERN
ALEXIS
(walking, looking around twitchily)
You say that like this has all already happened.


I queried the Madness. 0 rows returned. Opening the black box for the third time, the empty heart is stolid.
CORALINE
But hasn't it? Hasn't everything? It's just a matter of how you approach it.
For me, this is all history. Doesn't mean I can't come back and poke it.


This is the place to be for the end of the world show.
DARREN
(miming poking something with a stick)
Poke.


{{line..Hobo)
NATHAN
(backing away)
(mock panicked)
You ain't right.
Oh god, oh god, no! What have you done?! It's horrible! AAAAAGH!


FERN
Nathan covers his head.
(still walking)
Ain't right. Ain't right. World for the ain't right. This is what it says, you know. This is all what it says, and the Apheori said she knew your heart, but I cannot say it for fear of shivers. Whispers in winds.


It helps, you know. Saying things. Repeating things. Old thoughts. Old memories. Throw off the dark man in the open cloud. He's young. Doesn't see. Doesn't remember. Doesn't understand. It's all mad to him.
DARREN
(catching on)
What? Oh no! Noooo!


There's solace in madness.
Darren flails a bit, but stops when Alexis smacks him with her rod.


Solace in madness.
PERCY
Hold on. Quick question.


CORALINE
Yeah?


EXT. Field)
PERCY
time=Day)
Why are we speaking English?
Fern is standing in the grass a few hundred feet away from the road. Nathan has parked his car nearby upon finding her.
NATHAN
(picking his way through the grass; he yells)
Fern?


FERN
Glances are exchanged, some significant.
(staring off into the clouds)
Tell me.


Do you believe in demons?
Darren
What?


ALEXIS
Are we sure we are?


=== Audience ===
PERCY
Nathan made a pun. The pun wouldn't have worked if we weren't.


INT. Office)
CORALINE
Fern and Nathan stand before the desk of the High Priest of the One.
Puns can be translated. But English, you say?


{{line..Declien)
NATHAN
(hiding annoyance at their unexpected arrival)
Yeah?
Welcome, my child. What brings you to the Sahada?


FERN
CORALINE
I come seeking your help.
Earth?


{{line..Declien)
PERCY
Of course. If any of the God's children seek, we will -
Yes. This isn't...


FERN
CORALINE
It is no small favour I ask. She takes off her mask.
Oh, no. Lovely planet, though. Very interesting.


{{line..Declien)
PERCY
paren)
Right, this is Sarathi. We're...
starts)
What...


FERN
ALEXIS
I have a demon within me. It has resisted all standard attempts to remove it thus far, and it is all I can do to keep it... suppressing the thing is becoming more difficult with every expiring moment. Please. Can you help?
Careful.


{{line..Declien)
How?


FERN
I believe it is called an exorcism?


{{line..Declien)
INT. SARATHI OFFICE BUILDING - DAY
I mean how are you keeping control of so powerful a being?


FERN
Stuff. A guy who looks suspiciously like the twilight zone guy appears.
Cheating.


{{line..Declien)
TWILIGHT ZONE GUY
Cheating?
Imagine, if you will, a world so devastated that the very laws of time and space no longer apply, where a single wrong turn can twist around and bring you back to a point which never happened. Its name, Sarathi. Its denizens, lost. But among these shadowed halls linger a few remaining souls who have not yet realised their ends. In just a moment, four trespassers will face their truest nightmare, a mystery of mirrored faces and mirrored words that will only unravel in the Twilight Zone.


FERN
The Twilight Zone Guy disappears in curls of smoke.
Long story. Suffice to say this should have been able to happen, but my curiosity got the better of me and now here I am, barking mad and with an even madder entity trying to up and be me.


Like it ever could be me.
PERCY (JOHN)
Oh my god we've entered the Twilight Zone.


{{line..Declien)
NATHAN (KISAI)
Just how long has this entity... possessed you?
Yes, I do believe we've rather firmly established that.


FERN
MAYA (JOCTHEES)
Approximately three weeks, two days, eighteen hours and twenty-seven minutes.
Was there supposed to be a punchline in there somewhere?


NATHAN
YASA (VANESSA)
Been counting?
I've seen this one.


FERN
NATHAN (KISAI)
It's helped my concentration.
It hits Paris?


{{line..Declien)
YASA (VANESSA)
And now you... want an exorcism.
(ignoring him)
It's about a pair of newlyweds on their honeymoon. They take a wrong turn and wind up in a horrible nightmare office building. Well, that was what it looked like, anyway. Never was quite specified.


FERN
ALEXIS (DIANE)
I want you to try.
Is this an office building, then?


{{line..Declien)
DARREN (THROLLOG)
Well...
Does it matter?
He takes a deep breath.
We will do what we can, by the grace of the God.


Why, though? Why come to us? You do not follow the God.
ALEXIS (DIANE)
No, not really. Just interesting.


FERN
PERCY (JOHN)
Follow is such an ambiguous word. I do not worship your God, or any, it is true, but that is simply the way of my people. We know what they are and what they stand for, and even, for that matter, what they sometimes dredge up. What you might call their demons.  
How does it end? The episode.


I suspect this is one of them.
YASA (VANESSA)
They run into other versions of themselves and fight it out, each side convinced the other is impostors. Then right before the survivors get out they find that the others really were real and they killed them. The real ones. They killed themselves thinking they were them.
NATHAN
Just tell me you haven't dated the God and I'll be happy.


FERN
The others look a bit skeptical.
Er.


{{line..Declien)
YASA (VANESSA)
Explain.
It's Twilight Zone. What did you expect?


NATHAN
DARREN (THROLLOG)
She's kind of...
Something totally useful.


FERN
ALEXIS (DIANE)
Though I prevent the demon from acting, from affecting the outside world, it is in essence trapped within my mind. It can see through my eyes and hear through my ears and it knows my thoughts as soon as I do... and visa versa. It speaks to me, rants, rails, intimations and offerings... anything to disrupt my concentration, for that is all that holds it back...
Hold on - how do they get out?


It has mentioned names, many of them, but two stand out: Karamah, whom it reviles, and one with which it seems to call itself. You may recognise it.
They hear voices...


Ephaeriod.
YASA (VANESSA)
(quietly)
They don't.


{{line..Declien)
Eph... do you realise what you are saying?


FERN
INT. Some other building - day
Yes.


It is why I have come to you specifically.
DARREN (THROLLOG)
Okay, so... now what?


NATHAN
NATHAN (KISAI)
Fern, why didn't you say something?
Everything's dead. Suppose it stops being dead.


I mean... you said it was...
PERCY (JOHN)
What?


That's not just a demon. If the name is right, you've got the bloody demon of demons trapped in your pretty little head!
MAYA
Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!


FERN
YASA
Yes... and let me tell you, it is not happy about that.
Zombies!


NATHAN
PERCY
Bloody pissed, I rather imagine.
(crossly)
Maya!
(to Yasa)
Must you encourage her?


FERN
ALEXIS
If it could, it would destroy you all just to hurt me... destroy everything I hold dear.
We should get outside.


{{line..Declien)
MAYA
(standing)
(ignoring Percy)
Demons seek harm the faithful for the impact they would have on the God. That this one would so go after you is unusual.
Is that where the zombies will be?
 
FERN
(smiling, standing unsteadily)
You must admit, it does have a certain style.


NATHAN
NATHAN
Oh, bloody hell, woman, you really did date him, didn't you?
What are you thinking?


Declien stares at Nathan.
ALEXIS
Like in an earthquake. Get under the open air. Less to fall on you.


NATHAN
Darren looks up for anything that seems to be loose, sees a somewhat precarious-looking light fixture, and hastily starts moving for the door. The others follow.
(wincing)
Hey, Father Declien, please. Do what you can.
{{line..Declien)
Right. Come to the Basilica of Akina in two hours.


YASA
Aire libre.


EXT. Street)
MAYA
They step outside and then both try to speak at the same time.
It'll have tusks. I just know it.


FERN
Cut to something with tusks.
Nathan...
</screenplay>


NATHAN
=== Off Sarathi ===
Look...


Eh... sorry. You were saying?
<screenplay>
INT. Cell - night


FERN
Yasa, Maya, and Nathan are sitting in a cell. A GUARD is standing guard outside.
No, what were you going to say?


NATHAN
YASA
Just say it, love.
I'm bored.


FERN
MAYA
No, no... by all means, speak your mind.
I'm bored.


NATHAN
YASA
Well, I suppose we could spend the next two hours arguing about who should speak first...
Bored.


FERN
MAYA
Mmmm... well in hand with the spirit of wasting time.  
Very bored.


Nathan, just spit it out.
Nathan glowers at them from the other bed.


NATHAN
YASA
Oh, well... eh... bloody hell. Now I forgot what I was going to say.
Incredibly bored.


FERN
Yasa picks up a pebble.
Oh.


NATHAN
MAYA
So, er... how's the demon?
Astoundingly bored.


FERN
Maya also picks up a pebble, and bounces it off the guard's head.
It's deploring muffins.


I'm wholeheartedly agreeing just to throw it off.
This is boring.


NATHAN
The Guard stops, turns, and thumps on the bars for emphasis.
Okay, you're... you're just weird. I know I've said that before, but 'sa truth.


FERN
GUARD
Raight, Nathan. I think I should tell you...
Will you shut up?!
She tries to lift her foot; it's stuck.
Though...
She tries again.


tries harder.
The guard then moves further away, out of range.


NATHAN
MAYA
...Fern?
Still boring.
 
YASA
Boring.


FERN
MAYA
I think my foot is stuck.
Boring.


NATHAN
NATHAN
Eh, I can see that.
The bloody hell'd you do that for?


FERN
MAYA
I mean... really stuck. She tries a yank, to no effect.
Was boring.


NATHAN
YASA
(taking off his backpack)
You have a better idea?
Hold on.


FERN
Maya picks up another pebble and looks at it, considering.
(stops struggling)
Hmm?


NATHAN
NATHAN
going through his bag)
Really, though.
Ah, here we go.
What are we going to do about this?
he pulls out a large crowbar.


Nathan jams the crowbar under and frees Fern's foot.
YASA
No idea.


FERN
MAYA
You came... prepared.
We break out, of course!
 
YASA
Yeah?
 
MAYA
This is a game, right? Everything we need should be right here. What's in your pockets?


NATHAN
NATHAN
(stuffing the crowbar back into his bag)
I don't think it...
I got the idea from you.
(he stops, looking around)
Nevermind our pockets. What's in the beds?


So what were you saying?


INT. Some temple thing?


FERN
As a paladin, Alexis swears herself to Lokshmi.
Um... well. This won't reassure you at all. This whole... experience...  


Nathan, I may not survive this. I also know that theoretically, I could... remove the thing myself, but in the process irrevocable damage to... er... equilibriums of things may occur, and I cannot take the risk, not for so few, nor for any number of, er, really.
LOKSHMI
Well, aren't you a clever one.
</screenplay>


So if and when the thing finally does break free, it will do what it can to punish me for the inconvenience.
=== Face off ===


I don't intend to let it, but...
<screenplay>
INT. MIDNIGHT


NATHAN
Fern and Irundha float in the void. It looks really cheesey.
But what?


FERN
FERN
Kill me first. I will be able to die without any lasting damage, and in truth it is not something I have ever experienced first hand, so it should prove quite interesting...
Alright, you have my attention. What is it that you want?


NATHAN
IRUNDHA
(taking a step back)
The same thing as you want.
I can't do that.


FERN
FERN
I'm not mortal, Nathan. I cannot truly die, not in the sense that most folks eventually do. Not anymore.
A bucket-full of muffins?


Not again.
IRUNDHA
To exist.


FERN
Oh, well. That's boring.


=== Ritual ===
IRUNDHA
Do you not value existence?


EXT./INT. Basilica of Akina)
FERN
time=day)
Of course. But that does not devalue the alternative. The lack, the absense, the death that gives life meaning...
Nathan and Fern approach the basilica near dusk. Long shadows come up to meet them, and gargoyles stare down.


NATHAN
IRUNDHA
Well, that's... uh... inviting.
As is my domain... tell me. Where does the valued go with this?


FERN
FERN
(taking his arm)
Around?
C'mon, dear. Our utter doom awaits.
Just live a little, Irundha. We're all so terrible at it, but when we do, it's grand.
The two dark sisters stare each other down.


They enter. Inside, several priests are loitering about the walls, and four stand around a circle chalked in the center. The High Priest Declien stand behind it. He gestures them forward, toward the circle.
FERN
Well, this is awkward.


Fern steps into it, while Nathan takes a seat nearby.
IRUNDHA
The four priests chain an unresisting Fern down and then start doing suspicious things with sand.
(shaking her head)
Existence was like a walking purgatory for you...


She lifts a manacled hand enough to bonk on an invisible barrier that has formed over the circle.
Neither dead nor alive, never feeling a thing...


FERN
Just existing.
Neat!


{{line..Declien)
Existing.
Do you know the dangers involved in undergoing such a ritual?


FERN
FERN
(she grins)
Things change.
Do you know the dangers involved in not? 'Sides, I've got know when to stop exercising my demons.


{{line..Declien)
IRUNDHA
Um... right. Ephaeriod, can you hear this?
Do they?


Fern bows her head.
FERN
Things are how they are. They will always will be how... however they are. At the time.
There is no better or worse, but there is change.


{{line..Ephaeriod)
IRUNDHA
(speaking through Fern)
Then how can you possibly condone change? Or action? Or do anything at all?
I hear you, mortal. A prison upon prisons? Do you know who I am?


FERN
FERN
(silently)
Without words, of course. Is is, but that don't make it right, and just because there ain't not such thing as right don't mean you can't want right when it ain't there. Any goat could tell you that.
You cannot act, little demon, yet you still goad them... intriguing.


NATHAN
Irundha says nothing.
Should we care?


{{line..Ephaeriod)
FERN
Should you? Do you care that this woman you call a friend has been lying to you? Do you know who it is that you call 'friend'?
Not buying it are you?
Okay, fine, I admit: I have no idea what I'm talking about. What does it matter?
</screenplay>


NATHAN
== Horse thing (Fern edition) ==
Should I?


{{line..Ephaeriod)
<screenplay>
Insolence.
INT. Fern's house; a cluttered room - Day


NATHAN
Fern is sprawled on a sofa with three cats sitting on her. A laptop is open on the end table, on which the following conversation is shown:
Thank you.


{{line..Declien)
:(10:32:22) Alebran D'tariel: Poke
Enough, Ephaeriod. We do not fear you, nor what you can do. We are here only to remove you from this... one.
:(10:32:23) Nobody: Auto-reply: wut
:(11:04:18) Alebran D'tariel: Poke
:(11:04:18) Nobody: Auto-reply: wut
:(11:18:46) Alebran D'tariel: Poke
:(11:18:46) Nobody: Auto-reply: wut
:(12:20:01) Alebran D'tariel: Poke
:(12:20:02) Nobody: Auto-reply: wut
:(12:52:50) Alebran D'tariel: Poke
:(12:52:51) Nobody: Auto-reply: wut
:(13:18:56) Alebran D'tariel: Poke
:(13:18:56) Nobody: Auto-reply: wut


{{line..Ephaeriod)
Fern sits up partially, dislodging two cats, and, upon seeing the screen, pulls it toward her and types:
You stop calling her child... do you care to hear her real name?


Fern stiffens, then reasserts control.
:(13:19:16) Nobody: WHAT!


NATHAN
The response appears:
Real name?


FERN
:(13:19:32) Alebran D'tariel: PUT ON YOUR TARGED HEADSET, WOMAN!
I have several.


NATHAN
With a groan, she sits up entirely and unmutes the headset already on her head.
Really, I never would have guessed.


FERN
FERN
Some are kind of... embarrassing.
(yelling as loudly as she can into the mic with another cat still sitting on her)
What?!


NATHAN
ALEBRAN
Dogbother?
(Over the headset)
You suck.


{{Block)
FERN
Chanting rises around them.
(She pauses, rubbing her eye.)
Huh?
You spent the past three hours poking me to tell me that, of all things?


{{line..Declien)
ALEBRAN
(to Fern)
You really suck?
You must place this -


FERN
FERN
I already wear the symbol of the One.
Are you... entirely aware what 'suck' means?


{{line..Declien)
ALEBRAN
All this time?
Legs?


FERN
FERN
It angered it. It seemed appropriate.
What?


{{line..Declien)
ALEBRAN
Only anger? Then you truly have no room in your heart for the God.
(He mumbles incoherently)
Sorry, uh, translator may have miscallibrated again.
What I meant to say was that you're very wonderful and benevolent and glorious and adjective and are you busy tonight?


FERN
FERN
(hurt)
Er...
Don't say that.
Alebran, darling, I know you're dense, but it's been over a year. Couldn't you at least say 'hi' before propositioning me?
(she pushes a cat away)
It's only being proper.


The chanting and crap rises. There is a valiant and slightly overdramatic struggle for control, then Ephaeriod takes over. Declient moves forward and chants over Fern/Ephaeriod, sprinkling sparkly stuff on them.
ALEBRAN
Hi.


{{line..Ephaeriod)
A silence ensues, during which the cats return to Fern's couch, lap, and shoulder, making themselves comfortable.
(rising)
Fool mortals. You cannot defeat me.


Nathan can't take it anymore and bursts out laughing at the sheer over-the-topness of it all.
FERN
(She pinches her nose)
Hello. How are you?


{{line..Kharamah)
ALEBRAN
But I can.
I'm not dead.


Nathan starts choking and nearly falls out of his seat. The coughing goes on for awhile before Declien smacks him.
FERN
Yes...


NATHAN
Another silence passes, this time punctuated by the shoulder cat falling off, catching a claw in Fern's shoulder on the way down.
Sorry.


Kharamah and Ephaeriod stare at him expressionlessly for a moment, then turn toward each other.  
Fern yelps.


{{line..Kharamah)
ALEBRAN
(to Fern)
What?
Hello, Amadi...


{{line..Ephaeriod)
FERN
Amadi is dead.
Cat, sorry. Gods, Alebran, you utterly suck at this.
This one shall soon die as well.


NATHAN
ALEBRAN
Hrrk.
What?


{{line..Ephaeriod)
FERN
(to Nathan)
Conversing. Like a normal person. Were I clever, I could make a joke right now about you not knowing what a normal person is, but it would be entirely lost upon you anyway.
You have something to say?


NATHAN
ALEBRAN
Grrokle.
No, I know what normal people are. They're like the folks whose house I've been sneaking into to use their bathroom while they're not looking.


{{line..Kharamah)
FERN
So it is.
And that's just not normal.


NATHAN
ALEBRAN
Nrrng?
Hey, that's why I need you to come by, help me recover my own bathroom. Please?


{{line..Kharamah)
FERN
We shall see.
Alebran, I've got goats.


NATHAN
ALEBRAN
Grrk.
Please, Sadzi? You're my only hope. Seriously, their bath salts are driving me nuts.
 
 
{{line..Kharamah)
FERN
You will leave this woman's mind, Ephaeriod.
Uh...
 
(she pauses, pinching the bridge of her nose)
{{line..Ephaeriod)
Y'all right, fine. But you'd better not pull anything too weird. And I really do need to feed the goats first.
It is no longer hers. She has surrendered -
 
 
ALEBRAN
 
You're the best not dead ex-girlfriend I never had.
NATHAN
 
(croaking)
 
Yeah. Totally. Surrendered.
EXT. Kanata, Terras street - Day
 
 
He takes a deep breath.
Fern and Alebran lean over a fence by one of the neighbours' houses, chatting.
 
 
She fell asleep, you idiot. She finally got somewhere where she deemed you couldn't do any real damage and now she's taking a much-needed nap.
ALEBRAN
 
It's over. It's all over... we put that behind us. No more saving the world, no more fighting for survival.
{{line..Ephaeriod)
(he gestures grandly)
The mortal thinks it knows what it cannot comprehend...
I am here and I am now and my most pressing concern is whether or not to get a dog.
 
 
NATHAN
FERN
Yeah. That's it exactly. Of course. You win. Zombiebaron is the prizes.
Ah, you watched it.
 
{{line..Kharamah)
ALEBRAN
Ephaeriod.
Eyup. Good show.
 
I really am considering a dog, though.
Leave.
 
 
FERN
There is a definite sigh in the air, and Fern collapses. Nathan stares at her.
Three heads, max, or I'll sic my cat on you.
 
 
{{line..Kharamah)
ALEBRAN
Her life is her own again. Nathan Felwood, you will tell her it need not be so that the bindings hold. She is not who she was, nor are we all, and the others have long forgiven her. Amadi, the Dark Sister, your Fern, may act and be welcome.
Which one?
 
 
NATHAN
FERN
May what now?
The scary one.
 
 
{{line..Kharamah)
ALEBRAN
She will understand.
Er... why?
 
 
Kharamah disappears, and the room returns to a slightly more normal state, though a somewhat more apparently exhausted one.  
FERN
 
I... I promised your neighbours you'd tone it down.
A loud snore erupts from Fern.
 
 
ALEBRAN
Well, that was dumb.
{{line..Declien)
 
Well, that... was different.
FERN
 
(She sighs)
NATHAN
Yes.
For us, not so much.
</screenplay>
 
 
One of the priests moves to unchain Fern and kick aside the sand.
== Eapherod ==
 
 
{{line..Declien)
<screenplay>
(he pauses)
EXT. Some street - night
I don't even want to know.
 
 
FERN
Nathan snorts with laughter.
(walking, looking around twitchily)
I queried the Madness. 0 rows returned. Opening the black box for the third time, the empty heart is stolid.
This is the place to be for the end of the world show.
 
HOBO
(backing away)
You ain't right.
 
FERN
(still walking)
Ain't right. Ain't right. World for the ain't right. This is what it says, you know. This is all what it says, and the Apheori said she knew your heart, but I cannot say it for fear of shivers. Whispers in winds.
It helps, you know. Saying things. Repeating things. Old thoughts. Old memories. Throw off the dark man in the open cloud. He's young. Doesn't see. Doesn't remember. Doesn't understand. It's all mad to him.
There's solace in madness.
Solace in madness.
 
 
EXT. Field - Day
Fern is standing in the grass a few hundred feet away from the road. Nathan has parked his car nearby upon finding her.
NATHAN
(picking his way through the grass; he yells)
Fern?
 
FERN
(staring off into the clouds)
Tell me.
Do you believe in demons?
 
 
INT. Office in that holy place thingy
 
Fern and Nathan stand before the desk of the High Priest of the One.
 
DECLIEN
(hiding annoyance at their unexpected arrival)
Welcome, my child. What brings you to the Sahada?
 
FERN
I come seeking your help.
 
DECLIEN
Of course. If any of the God's children seek, we will -
 
FERN
It is no small favour I ask. She takes off her mask.
 
DECLIEN
(starts)
What...
 
FERN
I have a demon within me. It has resisted all standard attempts to remove it thus far, and it is all I can do to keep it... suppressing the thing is becoming more difficult with every expiring moment. Please. Can you help?
 
DECLIEN
How?
 
FERN
I believe it is called an exorcism?
 
DECLIEN
I mean how are you keeping control of so powerful a being?
 
FERN
Cheating.
 
DECLIEN
Cheating?
 
FERN
Long story. Suffice to say this should have been able to happen, but my curiosity got the better of me and now here I am, barking mad and with an even madder entity trying to up and be me.
 
Like it ever could be me.
 
DECLIEN
Just how long has this entity... possessed you?
 
FERN
Approximately three weeks, two days, eighteen hours and twenty-seven minutes.
 
NATHAN
Been counting?
 
FERN
It's helped my concentration.
 
DECLIEN
And now you... want an exorcism.
 
FERN
I want you to try.
 
DECLIEN
Well...
He takes a deep breath.
We will do what we can, by the grace of the God.
Why, though? Why come to us? You do not follow the God.
 
FERN
Follow is such an ambiguous word. I do not worship your God, or any, it is true, but that is simply the way of my people. We know what they are and what they stand for, and even, for that matter, what they sometimes dredge up. What you might call their demons.
I suspect this is one of them.
 
NATHAN
Just tell me you haven't dated the God and I'll be happy.
 
FERN
Er.
 
DECLIEN
Explain.
 
NATHAN
She's kind of...
 
FERN
Though I prevent the demon from acting, from affecting the outside world, it is in essence trapped within my mind. It can see through my eyes and hear through my ears and it knows my thoughts as soon as I do... and visa versa. It speaks to me, rants, rails, intimations and offerings... anything to disrupt my concentration, for that is all that holds it back...
It has mentioned names, many of them, but two stand out: Karamah, whom it reviles, and one with which it seems to call itself. You may recognise it.
Eapherod.
 
DECLIEN
Eph... do you realise what you are saying?
 
FERN
Yes.
It is why I have come to you specifically.
 
NATHAN
Fern, why didn't you say something?
I mean... you said it was...
That's not just a demon. If the name is right, you've got the bloody demon of demons trapped in your pretty little head!
 
FERN
Yes... and let me tell you, it is not happy about that.
 
NATHAN
Bloody pissed, I rather imagine.
 
FERN
If it could, it would destroy you all just to hurt me... destroy everything I hold dear.
 
DECLIEN
(standing)
Demons seek harm the faithful for the impact they would have on the God. That this one would so go after you is unusual.
 
FERN
(smiling, standing unsteadily)
You must admit, it does have a certain style.
 
NATHAN
Oh, bloody hell, woman, you really did date him, didn't you?
 
Declien stares at Nathan.
 
NATHAN
(wincing)
Hey, Father Declien, please. Do what you can.
 
DECLIEN
Right. Come to the Basilica of Akina in two hours.
 
 
EXT. Street outside and crap
 
They step outside and then both try to speak at the same time.
 
FERN
Nathan...
 
NATHAN
Look...
 
Eh... sorry. You were saying?
 
FERN
No, what were you going to say?
 
NATHAN
Just say it, love.
 
FERN
No, no... by all means, speak your mind.
 
NATHAN
Well, I suppose we could spend the next two hours arguing about who should speak first...
 
FERN
Mmmm... well in hand with the spirit of wasting time.
 
Nathan, just spit it out.
 
NATHAN
Oh, well... eh... bloody hell. Now I forgot what I was going to say.
 
FERN
Oh.
 
NATHAN
So, er... how's the demon?
 
FERN
It's deploring muffins.
I'm wholeheartedly agreeing just to throw it off.
 
NATHAN
Okay, you're... you're just weird. I know I've said that before, but 'sa truth.
 
FERN
Raight, Nathan. I think I should tell you...
 
She tries to lift her foot; it's stuck.
 
FERN
Though...
 
She tries again. Then tries harder.
 
NATHAN
...Fern?
 
FERN
I think my foot is stuck.
 
NATHAN
Eh, I can see that.
 
FERN
I mean... really stuck. She tries a yank, to no effect.
 
NATHAN
(taking off his backpack)
Hold on.
 
FERN
(stops struggling)
Hmm?
 
NATHAN
(going through his bag)
Ah, here we go.
 
he pulls out a large crowbar and jams the crowbar under and frees Fern's foot.
 
FERN
You came... prepared.
 
NATHAN
(stuffing the crowbar back into his bag)
I got the idea from you.
So what were you saying?
 
 
FERN
Um... well. This won't reassure you at all. This whole... experience...
Nathan, I may not survive this. I also know that theoretically, I could... remove the thing myself, but in the process irrevocable damage to... er... equilibriums of things may occur, and I cannot take the risk, not for so few, nor for any number of, er, really.
So if and when the thing finally does break free, it will do what it can to punish me for the inconvenience.
I don't intend to let it, but...
 
NATHAN
But what?
 
FERN
Kill me first. I will be able to die without any lasting damage, and in truth it is not something I have ever experienced first hand, so it should prove quite interesting...
 
NATHAN
(taking a step back)
I can't do that.
 
FERN
I'm not mortal, Nathan. I cannot truly die, not in the sense that most folks eventually do. Not anymore.
Not again.
 
 
INT. MIDNIGHT - later and crap
 
Fern is asleep in the black. She looks perfectly content, but then KHARAMAH appears and wakes her. (Images and scenes drift in and out of the black as they speak.)
 
FERN
(sitting up)
Grrrnnghph?
 
KHARAMAH
Hello, Amadi.
 
FERN
Amadi's dead.
(she looks around)
You know, our setup sucks. Having to come all this way just to talk to you. Can't even call!
 
KHARAMAH
Eapherod is powerful. It is unfortunate that he would escape, but not unexpected. And that he would come for you... we should have seen it.
 
FERN
Remind me - why were we trying to keep him bound in the first place?
 
KHARAMAH
(amused)
It was your idea, Amadi. Your plan.
 
FERN
(grumpily)
Bloody dumb one.
 
KHARAMAH
Have your views changed so easily at his hands? What has he done to you?
 
FERN
Ain't that. It's just... it's a half-measure. A half measure doesn't solve the problem. It's not sustainable; all it does is put off the inevitable, and make things worse in the process. Eapherod is getting dumber and dumber, but his anger isn't fading in the slightest. The damage he could do...
 
KHARAMAH
You think this damage is inevitable?
 
FERN
(she shrugs)
He's stronger than any of us. It took everything we had just to bind him in the first place, so I dunno why we thought it could last. And when he gets out in full, he'sa wreck the place.
Like a damn goat. Bah.
Why are we trying to take the most powerful entity in the 'verse and turn him into a moron, exactly?
 
There is a pause as Kharamah declines to answer.
 
FERN
Seriously, did nobody think this through?
 
KHARAMAH
Nope.
 
FERN
Oh. Okay, then.
 
KHARAMAH
What would you have us do? Release him now upon the worlds after all this time, after all this anger and pain?
 
FERN
Assuming killing him is off the table, why not? Beats the alternative. Sure, he'll wreck the place. It'll suck. But then it'll be over, and we'll get over it.
It's not like the place doesn't get wrecked sometimes already.
 
KHARAMAH
Will you get over it after he destroys everything you hold dear?
 
FERN
There will be new things. But we could always just guard the other things. Keep a few safe, hidden away from the devastation.
 
KHARAMAH
Those would be the first he goes after.
 
FERN
There is more than one way to guard something.
 
A scene materialises out of the black - Fern's goats, standing around a tree. A conspicuously large fern grows off to the side, strangely unharmed...
 
KHARAMAH
I don't think bluffing him will work.
 
FERN
It was an example. Obviously Eapherod isn't a goat.
 
KARAMAH
No. There is nothing we can do to recover now. It's too late.
 
FERN
Not nothing.
 
KARAMAH
No good options.
 
FERN
You know exactly how to end this. Cleanly.
 
KARAMAH
No. The cost was too high the last time. Never again.
 
FERN
The cost was mine, and my choice to make. Let them help us now.
 
Kharamah bows his head and fades away. Fern sits there in the blackness for a time, thinking it over, then lies back down to try to get back to sleep.
 
Rhi appears next to her before she can, looming over her head. This Rhi is the little girl they first saw - without the anger, the fear, the confusion, only curiosity lighting her features as she looks down at Fern.
 
After a bit of a pause, such as there even can be in this place outside of time:
 
FERN
Hello, Rhi.
 
Rhi says nothing, but smiles.
 
FERN
I'm trying to take a nap, you know.
 
RHI
Why?
 
FERN
Why not?
 
RHI
Oh. Okay.
 
She fades away. Fern goes back to sleep.
 
 
EXT. Basilica of Akina - day
Nathan and Fern approach the basilica near dusk. Long shadows come up to meet them, and gargoyles stare down.
 
NATHAN
Well, that's... uh... inviting.
 
FERN
(taking his arm)
C'mon, dear. Our utter doom awaits.
 
They enter.
 
 
INT. Basilica of Akina - day
 
Inside, several priests are loitering about the walls, and four stand around a circle chalked in the center. The High Priest Declien stand behind it. He gestures them forward, toward the circle.
 
Fern steps into it, while Nathan takes a seat nearby.
The four priests chain an unresisting Fern down and then start doing suspicious things with sand.
 
She lifts a manacled hand enough to bonk on an invisible barrier that has formed over the circle.
 
FERN
Neat!
 
DECLIEN
Do you know the dangers involved in undergoing such a ritual?
 
FERN
(she grins)
Do you know the dangers involved in not? 'Sides, I've got know when to stop exercising my demons.
 
DECLIEN
Um... right. Eapherod, can you hear this?
 
Fern bows her head.
 
EAPHEROD
(speaking through Fern)
I hear you, mortal. A prison upon prisons? Do you know who I am?
 
FERN
(silently)
You cannot act, little demon, yet you still goad them... intriguing.
 
NATHAN
Should we care?
 
EAPHEROD
Should you? Do you care that this woman you call a friend has been lying to you? Do you know who it is that you call 'friend'?
 
NATHAN
Should I?
 
EAPHEROD
Insolence.
 
NATHAN
(proudly)
Thank you.
 
DECLIEN
Enough, Eapherod. We do not fear you, nor what you can do. We are here only to remove you from this... one.
 
EAPHEROD
You stop calling her child... do you care to hear her real name?
 
Fern stiffens, then reasserts control.
 
NATHAN
Real name?
 
FERN
I have several.
 
NATHAN
Really, I never would have guessed.
 
FERN
Some are kind of... embarrassing.
 
NATHAN
Dogbotherer?
 
FERN
Oh, you already knew that one?
 
She relinquishes control and Eapherod is suddenly left looking confused.
 
Chanting rises around them.
 
DECLIEN
(to Fern)
You must place this -
 
EAPHEROD
(hissing)
You think you trinkets will work?!
 
DECLIEN
Er...
 
NATHAN
She's already got one. Though I don't really know why.
(quietly)
Probably spite.
 
The chanting and crap rises. There is a valiant and slightly overdramatic struggle for control, then after Fern mutters something about squirrels, Eapherod takes over. Declien moves forward and chants over Fern/Eapherod, sprinkling sparkly stuff on them.
 
EAPHEROD
(rising)
Fool mortals. You cannot defeat me.
 
Nathan gets out a crowbar.
 
NATHAN
You think so? You think you can take me? You? Do you even know who ''I'' am, hmm? HMM?
 
KHARAMAH
That won't be necessary.
 
Immediately the priests all kneel.
 
Nathan, meanwhile, bursts out laughing from the sheer ridiculousness of it all and tries to cover it up with the crowbar and then starts choking instead. The coughing goes on for awhile before Declien gets up and smacks him.
 
NATHAN
Sorry.
 
Kharamah and Eapherod stare at him expressionlessly for a moment, then turn toward each other.
 
KHARAMAH
(to Fern)
Hello, Amadi...
 
EAPHEROD
Amadi is dead.
This one shall soon die as well.
 
NATHAN
Hrrk.
 
EAPHEROD
(to Nathan)
You have something to say?
 
NATHAN
Grrokle.
 
KHARAMAH
So it is.
 
NATHAN
Nrrng?
 
KHARAMAH
We shall see.
 
NATHAN
Grrk.
 
KHARAMAH
You will leave this woman's mind, Eapherod.
 
EAPHEROD
It is no longer hers. She has surrendered -
 
Nathan finally gets up and comes over.
 
NATHAN
(croaking)
Yeah. Totally. Surrendered.
(he takes a deep breath)
She fell asleep, you idiot. She finally got somewhere where she deemed you couldn't do any real damage and now she's taking a much-needed nap.
 
EAPHEROD
The mortal thinks it knows what it cannot comprehend...
 
NATHAN
Yeah. That's it exactly. Of course. You win. Zombiebaron is the prizes.
 
KARAMAH
And did you bring your Zombiebaron?
 
Nathan gives Karamah a long, intrigued look.
 
NATHAN
(pointing)
You, I like you.
(to Eapherod)
So, out of curiosity, why haven't they just stopped you, or whatever? Put an end to this?
 
KARAMAH
(warningly)
Nathan...
 
NATHAN
What? I wanna hear what he thinks.
 
EAPHEROD
(grinning slowly)
They cannot.
They're powerless. They fear me and for that they lost their chance to stop me when they could, and now it's too late for them. I will escape, and they will feel my fury, pent up for so long, locked away, growing only greater for the aeons!
(hissing)
You will all fall before my resolve!
 
NATHAN
Interesting. Doesn't really sound like the gods I know.
 
EAPHEROD
And what would you know when they hide behind their masks? Cowards!
 
NATHAN
(over his shoulder)
Yo, Karamah, you wearing a mask?
 
Eapherod hisses and shrinks away.
 
Nathan gives him a dubious look.
 
The priests or whatever look a little concerned.
 
KARAMAH
We all are.
 
NATHAN
And what about you, Eapherod? What of the masks you wear, the names you've taken, the faces you've donned? Who are you?
What happened to you?
 
EAPHEROD
Nothing happened! They happened! They ruined me, they stole my very self and left me, bound and chained, to rot with ''nothing''!  They will pay, they must pay! Release me and I will take what is ''mine''! Let me have my vengeance, let me take what they stole right back from them...
 
NATHAN
And what exactly do you mean to take?
 
EAPHEROD
Everything!
 
NATHAN
(he frowns)
In another world, you might have been the one standing here, on the outside, looking in. We might have been friends, and discussed goats over tea. You might have been...
 
EAPHEROD
No!
 
NATHAN
...her.
 
Eapherod stares at him in horror.
 
NATHAN
Are you really so far gone that there is no hope at all?
 
EAPHEROD
You could never understand!
 
NATHAN
Oh, I understand. I understand you exactly. You could have been something once. You had all the worlds ahead of you, and you threw it away, you wasted it. You.
You didn't care, and so you slipped further and further away. The others lost you, too, because they were just like you, and they didn't care any more than you did. And now, now they're still the same, and so you hate them.
(quietly)
And yet the only one you hate more than them is yourself.
 
EAPHEROD
That's not true.
 
NATHAN
You see yourself in them, so you want to destroy them, but really the only one you're trying to destroy is you. But you can't. They're the only ones who can, and yet...
Suppose you do, suppose you pull it off and kill every one of those others whom you hate so much, and you destroy every bit of the lands and folk so dear. Then you will be alone. You ''will'' have nothing, only the emptiness and the pain and the fear that have made you what you are, and nothing at all to temper it out.
 
Eapherod leans back against the far side of the cage, so Nathan gets right up against it, leering in.
 
NATHAN
Now tell me. Is this really what you want?
 
Suddenly Fern collapses and the presence is gone.
 
NATHAN
Er.
 
KARAMAH
Well done.
 
NATHAN
I shouldn't have done that. The last time I did that I lost my job and became an international... er... visa violator... thing. With a fake identity. And fake... boobs. Her boobs have to be fake. Right?
 
KARAMAH
It was a peaceful solution to an impossible problem. After everything that has passed, you have struck pause into his heart.
 
NATHAN
(darkly)
And then he'll get over it and come back and make things even worse. ''Again'', probably.
 
FERN
(getting up)
What happened?
 
Karamah breaks the cage containing Fern.
 
KARAMAH
(to Nathan)
How did you know my name?
 
NATHAN
(surprised)
Lucky guess?
(he indicates Fern)
Honestly she mumbles in her sleep. And once we started really understanding what she was saying...
 
FERN
(rubbing her head)
What?
 
KARAMAH
Amadi, are you well?
 
FERN
No, but I am a well. A well within a wall, as it were.
How'd you get rid of the fartso?
 
KARAMAH
It was Nathan who did it, but as for how, I do not know. All of your party are invisible to me.
 
NATHAN
Wait, what? Still?
 
FERN
Oh, yeah, Lokshmi did some stuff to them. Not rightly sure what, but among other things it does seem to make their minds and souls invisible to the eyes of the gods.
I actually kind of like it.
 
NATHAN
Oh. Wait, you like not seeing it coming when Yasa throws a cupcake at your head?
 
FERN
That seemed to bother you lot more than it did me.
 
NATHAN
That's because you kept yelling!
 
FERN
I had frosting in my ear!
 
Nathan rolls his eyes.
 
FERN
(to Karamah)
Actually we might want to be a little concerned about what happens when they die. They're not Sorenai, at least, but whatever she did, it might have had some similar effects, and if you can't see them...
 
NATHAN
Eh?
 
KARAMAH
The Architect will handle it.
 
FERN
You've got a lot of faith in that absentee.
 
KARAMAH
He appears when he needs to.
 
FERN
(smiling)
And maybe, for all this, we need him anyway. I'll call in some favours, we get a whole pile of Kings coming down on Eapherod like a pile of bricks, and pow, problem solved.
 
NATHAN
(interjecting)
But will you fix him, or will you kill him?
 
FERN
(to Nathan)
Hmm?
 
NATHAN
Eapherod. He's lost and angry and bitter, but that doesn't mean he deserves to die. He needs help.
 
KARAMAH
You care for him, even after all he has threatened to do?
 
NATHAN
Maybe I relate to him, just a little. Maybe how he sees you lot is a bit how I see real developers these days. For me it doesn't really matter; where I've needed help, I've gotten it. But who's helped him? Ever?
 
FERN
How do you even know about that?
 
NATHAN
Guesses. Lots of guesses. A little storytelling, and a lot of guesses.
(mumbling quickly)
Also I spoke to the Kings of Arikdirin Vak and they told me some things before I lost it and tried to hit one of them with a shovel.
 
Fern gives Nathan a long look and then slowly grins.
 
FERN
(turning to Karamah)
He's not wrong. Eapherod deserves it.
 
KARAMAH
He deserves an end.
 
FERN
He deserves a chance. They can give it to him.
Look, love, I'm right, I've always been right, and I think after everything that's happened, even if you don't think I'm right, you do owe me this much, yes?
 
This comes across as a bit of an ultimatum.




Line 2,180: Line 2,999:


NATHAN
NATHAN
(nudges Fern)
(nudging Fern)
The Mathesian God is Kharamah, no?
Kharamah is the Mathesian God?


FERN
FERN
Line 2,204: Line 3,023:
(smiles and turns away)
(smiles and turns away)
Now, now, Nathan. Best not go prying too far into the affairs of immortals. You may not like what you find. Or who you wind up by the end.
Now, now, Nathan. Best not go prying too far into the affairs of immortals. You may not like what you find. Or who you wind up by the end.
</screenplay>


== New Game ==


=== New Game ===
<screenplay>
 
Shahanna living room)
Shahanna living room)
Yasa, Nathan, Darren, Alexis, Percy, Fern are once again sitting around the coffee table drinking tea and eating dumplings, while Fern tries to find notes on her laptop.
Yasa, Nathan, Darren, Alexis, Percy, Fern are once again sitting around the coffee table drinking tea and eating dumplings, while Fern tries to find notes on her laptop.
Line 2,255: Line 3,075:
FERN
FERN
What?
What?
</screenplay>
}}

Latest revision as of 23:52, 10 April 2017

The Room at Midnight

Begin

INT. MIDNIGHT
It is... dark. Black. Empty. The home of nothing at all. A voice drifts through the void, right at home, bright against the black, and fades into view.
WOMAN IN BLUE
Hello.
The word lingers, and then we look down, down, down through the black and find her seated on... not the ground, but a ground. A background, perhaps, to her foreground in a sliver of not-quite-light.
WOMAN IN BLUE
Welcome to Midnight.

The players

INT. Master bedroom; Fern's house - day
It's a rectangular room with four walls, and all fairly well-decorated, with a susprisingly tasteful assortment of perhaps a few too many plants, mostly ferns, scattered around amongst the funiture in lieu of knicknacks.
FERN is sitting on a bed staring at the wall. The nearby window is shattered, with glass all over the floor, and the curtains are blowing a bit in the breeze.
Fern: I've been staring at a wall for three days now. I can't seem to remember much. After everything that happened, it's all... a bit confusing.
Fern: I think I remember something about goats. And the Architect. And a whole lot of universes coming together for one hectic instant to fix some unfortunate incident, but it's fuzzy, like it didn't really happen, or I wasn't really there, or maybe I just lost the part of me that really was there.
A goat wanders in, eating some paper.
FERN
Hi goatsy. I'm not here right now. Please leave a message at the beep.
Fern beeps.
Fern: I don't know. Some of the others apparently died and stuff, so I guess I got off easy, even though I'm pretty sure I really didn't hallucinate the three goats crashing in through the window right after.
The goat climbs up Fern's lap with its front legs.
Fern: All I really know right now is that there seems to be a goat in my lap for some reason.
The goat looks up at her hopefully, but Fern just sort of stares right through it.
Fern: And I can't seem to stop staring at the wall.
WALL
Hi there.
FERN
Oh, hello, wall.
WALL
You've looked better.
Fern: I also seem to be hallucinating.
The wall that's speaking just appears to be a normal wall. It doesn't even have a mouth or anything.
The fifth wall, shoved haphazardly into a corner between two of the other walls, however, is anything but normal. It's huge, bigger than anything. It doesn't line up with anything. It looks more like a window, or a hole, looking out on the cosmos. The entirety of the universe, or at least a universe, laid out before it. It's utterly black, but not.
Fern is very pointedly not looking at this one.
Fern: The problem is, I'm not sure what all is the hallucination and what isn't. For instance, the goats seem to be real.
Another goat wanders over and stops in the doorway. It makes a goat sound.
WALL
Mmm, goats. You like goats?
Fern: The wall in front of me may or may not be talking to me. But the fifth wall, that horrible hole back there that seems as though to be a window into the extended multiverse, I have no idea what is up with that.
Fern: I think it's been there all along.
There's a knocking from the front door.


EXT. Porch; Fern's house - day
Three mismatched weirdos who can at best be collectively referred to as 'people', NATHAN, DARREN, and YASA, are all at the door. Nathan is standing somewhat hunched-over-like in a trenchcoat and fedora and dark shades, looking Not Suspicious At All, and bangs on the door knocker a bit.
Yasa is in an elegant black dress, very high-heeled boots, and impeccably matched jewellery. Her black dreads are tied back in an elaborate bun. She leans down and tries to peer in through the peephole.
Darren, in jeans and a t-shirt, is slightly off to the side. He just looks bored.
Nathan knocks again, louder this time.
NATHAN
(yelling)
Fern, you useless fuck, you in there?
YASA
Oy, rude.


INT. Master bedroom; Fern's house - day
Fern hears this, but doesn't even look up.
WALL
You gonna get that?
Fern doesn't respond to this either.


EXT. Porch; Fern's house - day
NATHAN
That's sort of the point. Next up we're breaking an entering.
DARREN
What is it with you and breaking and entering and kidnapping and larceny and fraud and piracy and grand theft and good god is there anything you haven't done at this point?
NATHAN
Shut up. I'm living my life.
Yasa gives Nathan a worried look.
NATHAN
(to Yasa)
He's exaggerating, anyhow. Only times I ever kidnapped anyone it was needed.
(yelling at the door)
Fern! If you don't answer, I'm breaking in!
DARREN
'Times'?
No answer comes.
NATHAN
Eh, fine.
Nathan gets out a lockpicking set and picks the lock.
DARREN
If you're not a hardened criminal, then why do you know how to do that?
Nathan pushes the door open and peers inside.
NATHAN
(over his shoulder)
Asks the wannabe hacker.
DARREN
Yeah, and I'm sure you've done all the things with hookers.
Yasa ignores this exchange and heads inside.
YASA
(calling out worriedly)
Fern?
The others follow.


INT. Fern's house, inside - day
They wind up in some sort of living room, with a kitchen area over an island opposite them.
It's a bit of a mess. Potted, as well as de-potted, plants are everywhere, especially ferns. There is a goat chewing on one of them. Mail is all over the table, and dishes, including the remains of an apparently goated meal, are all over the counter. Several cats seem to have taken up residence.
DARREN
Somehow I don't think she's actually here.
NATHAN
So we check all the rooms, see if there's any signs where she is.
Yasa approaches some of the cats, but they just scatter.
YASA
Wait, you don't mean... something might have happened to her?
NATHAN
No, clearly not. I mean, it's not like she's been missing for the better part of a week, or stuff.
YASA
Obviously not.
They split up to search the rooms.
Nathan goes over to check out the kitchen area.
The floor on the other side of the island is full of bees. There is a beehive in the middle, surrounded by buzzing. Nathan gives it a long, unimpressed look before slowly backing away and leaving.


INT. Bathroom; Fern's house - day
A stray cat has taken over the guest bathroom. It growls as Yasa turns the light on.
YASA
Hi, kitty.
The cat growls some more.
YASA
Seen a tiny crazy plant lady around anywhere?
The cat growls.
YASA
I'll take that as a no.


INT. Basement; Fern's house
The basement is completely empty aside from a bucket in the middle of the floor, full of what appear to be breadsticks.
Darren approaches it warily. He eyes it carefully. He picks up a breadstick and sniffs it.
Something shifts. There seem to be voices in the surrounding space. It's bigger than it was, emptier, and the lighting tilts...
DARREN
What the...
VOICES
(whisper)
Dreamer...
Darren hastily drops the breadstick and everything goes back to normal.


INT. Living room; Fern's house - day
Yasa finds the back sofa room to be full of clothing dummies. Fabric and half completed projects are draped over them, and strewn across the furniture and floor. Several of the dummies have cats on them, which all procede to stare at her.
YASA
(threading her way between them)
Death broke out in chronic cats too.
The cats don't move, simply continue to stare, watching her as she passes.
She holds her hand out to one, but it just stares at her, so she pets it a bit. It continues to stare at her.
YASA
Tense, are you?
Giving the room a walk/jump through (the floor is a bit covered in obstacles), she finds it to be entirely devoid of Fern. She does find a goat, which quickly trots away as she rounds one of the sofas.
Leaving, she nearly collides with Darren, and they both startle in a mildly cliché manner.


INT. Master bedroom; Fern's house - day
To Nathan, there are only four walls. Fern is sitting on the bed, staring at the wall adjacent.
There is a goat sitting on the floor in front of her.
As he enters, Fern doesn't look up.
Nathan plants himself over the goat.
NATHAN
Oy Fern.
She doesn't move.
NATHAN
Midget. Crazy lady. DM.
Still no response.
FERN
(in a whisper)
Hahterite? Amear eona?
NATHAN
What?


INT. Master bedroom; Fern's house - day
It's slightly later. Darren and Yasa have crowded in as well. The three of them are all standing around Fern at this point, and she's looking up at them curiously.
Fern: These are my friends. At least, I think they are. I remember them as such. I can't quite remember what I should be doing with them.
DARREN
So...
FERN
Are you real, then?
NATHAN
Yes.
Fern stares at him curiously, and then smiles ever so slightly.
Fern: Friends. Yes. They're real.
Nathen picks up Fern and hoists her over his shoulder, turns, and wordlessly trods out. The others follow.
The fifth wall also follows.


EXT. Fancy restaurant - evening
It's busy. People are around outside waiting, and a GUY with a pedestal at the entrance is tactfully fending them off.
Yasa pushes her way through, walking deliberately and somewhat loudly as her heels clonk on the ground. Nathan and Darren are following, Nathan again carrying Fern. They're all still wearing the same clothes, though Fern now has a coat wrapped around her, and Darren a ratty jacket on. Nathan has lost his hat.
Yasa stops in front of the guy and stares down at him.
GUY
(looking up)
Ah...
YASA
I believe we have a reservation.
GUY
And the name on...
(he stops, noticing Nathan and Darren)
Are they with you?
NATHAN
(leaning over the pedestal and leering a bit)
Hi.
Darren pulls a cyan and hot pink checkered tie out of his pocket and ties it around his neck. Badly.
DARREN
Better?
YASA
No.
NATHAN
Do you always carry that?
DARREN
You never know when you'll need to sell someone a previously owned coffin.
YASA
(to the guy)
Shahanna.
The guy gives her a confused look.
YASA
Sorry, the name on the reservation. It's Shahanna.
GUY
(checking his book and then responding much more assuredly)
Oh, um. Yes. The rest of your party is waiting.


INT. Fancy restaurant - evening
Nathan's sister, ALEXIS, is at a large corner table, along with another pair of siblings: PERCY and MAYA. Some appetisers are on the table. Alexis and Percy are chatting. Maya is on her phone, and nibbling at some dumplings.
Nathan plonks Fern down next to Maya and scoots in himself.
PERCY
Hey.
Maya pokes Fern with a dumpling.
MAYA
She... okay?
DARREN
Ooo, food.
Darren sits down and digs in.
ALEXIS
(looking at Darren very disappointedly)
Really?
DARREN
They didn't seem to mind.
ALEXIS
They have class and abide by all their customers.
DARREN
Whatever that is.
NATHAN
Sounds expensive.
YASA
The opposite of you two, probably.
Yasa also scoots in.
Fern tentatively reaches out to poke an appetiser.
Everyone watches her intently.
She pokes it, and withdraws the arm.
Maya skewers it on a fork and jabs it at Fern's face.
MAYA
You eat it.
Fern stares at it blankly.
MAYA
Shove it in your face. Like this.
Maya demonstrates shoving the food in her own face, then skewers another one and hands the fork to Fern.
Fern stares at the skewered food for a bit, and then starts nibbling on it.
NATHAN
So what exactly do we think is wrong with her?
ALEXIS
(shaking her head)
She can still speak, and seems to remember who you are?
NATHAN
Sort of?
YASA
It's like she's forgotten how to live. To be alive. She knows, but she's... forgotten.
ALEXIS
Stroke? But that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
DARREN
Why not? Can't aliens have strokes?
ALEXIS
I don't know. I'm a psychologist, not a doctor, and even if I were I don't think that'd really be my...
My only other guess might be some sort of PTSD, but if that's really the case, without some idea of what caused it, we'll never be able to properly address it or avoid potentially making it worse.
PERCY
So what do we do?
FERN
Play.
Everyone just stops and stares at her, aside from Darren, who mumbles something about squirrels. Nathan smacks him.
FERN
We play the game. That's why you were looking for me, right? So that's what we'll do.
NATHAN
Er, are you sure? Are you up for that? There's a lot that goes into running a game, let alone a good one...
FERN
To bring a broken soul back from the abyss, you remind it what it is to live. You immerse it in the day to day, and slowly, it relearns how to function. That's the theory, anyway. I think... I think I just need to remember. May I borrow your sofa?
ALEXIS
Of course. Whatever you need.
FERN
I think we all have a very long way to go.

Heap of mostly organised pieces