Difference between revisions of "Holes/Session 5"

A fragment of the Garden of Remembering
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{{holes nav
Apheori (GM): Cows.
|top=true
Wild ones.
|previous=Holes/Session 4
Frezak (GM): Wild cows?
|next=Holes/Session 6
Wild mutant cows?
}}
Bhramins?
 
Gaurav: Yes?
<screenplay>
Ganelon: I see six names. We should be good to go.
EXT. Village of Hughenden - night
Apheori (GM): HI.
 
OKAY.
The stars are out now. Radek, Aziraphale, and Rhu are all in or around the car. A few villagers are nearby chatting and watching, and others are going about their business.
LET'S PLAY.
 
Gaurav: When last we left our weary band, Amadi had vanished into thin air.
RHU
Apheori (GM): So basically y'all are in this village. There's dust everywhere, everything's really dry and messed up, and there was something about a cataclysm. This weird elf girl appeared and disappeared and chattered weirdly about time. It's nigh time, some of you are still in the car, some out. And y'all are tired.
I think we should sleep somewhere - here if we can convince the villagers, otherwise set up camp somewhere. I don't like the idea of wandering around after dark.
It's been a long... span of time.
 
Frezak (GM): And we don't speak the same language as the willagers.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Great.
Go make... gestures, then.
Rhu: I think we should sleep somewhere -- the village if we can convince the villagers, otherwise set up camp somewhere. I don't like the idea of wandering around after dark.
 
Apheori (GM): Yup.
AZIRAPHALE
Ganelon: But they probably don't think you and I are demons anymore, at least.
Can't we sleep in the car? It should offer some protection.
The Gravedigger: Go make... gestures, then.
 
Aziraphale: Can't we sleep in the car?
Rhu stares up at the stars and tries to see if he recognises them. ''(rolled 17 history)'' One of the constellations looks like a large blob.
Gaurav: Is it dark enough to see the stars?
 
Aziraphale: It should offer some protection.
RHU
Apheori (GM): Yeah, there be stars.
Azir, look at those constellations! That one looks like a blob.
Gaurav: Can somebody with a good History check see if they recognize any constellations or anything? Mine is +2.
 
Or maybe that's a Nature check?
Aziraphale looks.
Ganelon: I should still have a stick.
 
And I think I'm on the ground rather than in the car, along with Gravy.
RHU
Apheori (GM): I think it's probably history.
D'you know what, maybe if we pitch tent in their village square they'll get the message and invite us in. Or at least get us warm food in the morning.
Ganelon: That sound right to you folks?
 
Apheori (GM): Yes.
AZIRAPHALE
The Gravedigger: A stick?
I think that's sound. Or at the entrance. I'm not fond of the idea of being surrounded by them.
Frezak (GM): OOC
 
What stick?
Radek draws a bed in the dirt.
Apheori (GM): Gaurav: You can roll to recognise them.
 
Ganelon: Just a stick.
RADEK
Which you gave me for communicative purposes, that I will now use as intended.
Hey, uncultured rube!
I wish to draw a picture of a bed in the dirt.
 
Bear Soup Guy: OKAY
Radek beckons to one of the villagers from before, starlight glinting off his chrome.
I'M READY
 
Apheori (GM): The villager is sitting on his porch. Get him to come over.
Rhu sits in the car, looking up at the stars.
Rhu:
rolling 1d20+2 history check to recognize constellations or whatnot
(
15
)
+2
=
17
Apheori (GM): Bear Soup Guy: Great.
Radek: Hey, uncultured rube!
Radek beckons at the villager.
Wen: Snrk.
Apheori (GM): Rhu sees a bunch of constellations. One of them looks like a large blob.
The villager waves to Radek.
The villager waves to Radek.
Ganelon: He doesn't respond to beckoning hand-motions?
 
Wen: Do we recognise the constellations?
RADEK
I mean, seeing that one looks like a blob isn't very useful
Unbelievable...
Ganelon: Also, I hope you guys enjoy or are at least indifferent to the grumpiness.
 
Apheori (GM): You don't recognise them, but you're not really familiar with the angle, necessarily, either.
Radek takes his stick and approaches the villager directly, drawing another bed in the dirt in front of him.
Azir would be more likely to recognise one, maybe.
 
Gan: He responded. He just may not have gotten the point.
The villager looks at the bed drawing.
Ganelon: HMPH!
 
Radek: Unbelievable...
VILLAGER
Frezak (GM): Poor rubes.
(pointing toward one of the buildings down the road)
Wen: But we're not on Sarathi..
''Ahn. Aneri kanao tira.
Ganelon: Okay, I'll approach HIM, then.
 
Rhu: Azir, look at those constellations! That one looks like a blob.
Apheori (GM): Wen: That would be a good reason to not even try.
Aziraphale tries anyway
Aziraphale looks at the sky
Ganelon: And draw another bed in the dirt.
Gaurav: Re: sleeping in the car, I imagine it looks something like this http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-j6yK-6T8H_A/TY-FqtX1LLI/AAAAAAAABIY/Th41SIbF650/s320/Bob%252527s_Car.jpg so I don't think it'd be very comfy
Villager stands as the strange shiny man approaches.
Villager looks at the bed drawing.
Wen: we can pull up the cover thingy
Rhu: D'you know what, maybe if we pitch tent in their village square they'll get the message and invite us in. Or at least get us warm food in the morning.
Aziraphale: I think that's sound. Or at the entrance. I'm not fond of the idea of being surrounded by them.
Villager says something and points toward one of the houses down the road.
Radek turns back towards the car.
Radek turns back towards the car.
Radek: Unless these people are too backwards to understand symbolism, I may have found us sleeping quarters!
 
Rhu: Do you think they'll worry if we brought our weapons in? I agree with Azir, sleeping surrounded by strange villagers sounds like a bad idea.
RADEK
The Gravedigger: Nothing is going to make me part with my shovels. And the spades. And the trowel.
Unless these people are too backwards to understand symbolism, I may have found us sleeping quarters!
Aziraphale: I think we can take our weapons. They aren't likely to recognise them.
 
Just don't point them at the people.
The Gravedigger and Greibel rejoin the others, now with drug plants.
Frezak (GM): What about your SWORD?
 
Greibel: What about the bong, man?
RHU
The Gravedigger: Of course you can keep the bong.
Do you think they'll worry if we brought our weapons in? I agree with Azir, sleeping surrounded by strange villagers sounds like a bad idea.
Aziraphale: I'm taking my sword.
 
Radek: I've no intentions of sleeping anyways.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Aziraphale: Sheathed.
Nothing is going to make me part with my shovels. And the spades. And the trowel.
Radek: I have work to do.
 
Rhu conceals my maul under my cloak as best I can.
AZIRAPHALE
Wen: All work and no sleep makes Radek a grumpy bastard. :P
I think we can take our weapons. They aren't likely to recognise them. Just don't point them at the people.
Bear Soup Guy: XD
 
Frezak (GM): That's natural talent, man.
GREIBEL
Ganelon: He's got so much to do.
What about the bong, man?
Wen: so it is.
 
Frezak (GM): TO THE INDICATED BUILDING
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Rhu puts on the parking brake of the car and takes care not to lock himself out as he leaves.
Of course you can keep the bong.
Wen: TO THE BUILDING.
 
Apheori (GM): Okay.
RADEK
Wen: is the car strong enough to withstand possible tampering by the villies?
I've no intentions of sleeping anyways. I have work to do.
Ganelon: Making a single flask of Alchemist's Fire takes a half-hour.
 
He really could stay up all night working.
Rhu conceals his maul under his cloak as best he can.
Apheori (GM): Also, I should point out that you all don't necessarily have sleeping patterns like humans (or possibly at all, in Radek's case), but the... events of the past while were a bit... tiresome.
 
Or something.
 
Ganelon: WHO NEEDS TO EAT?
INT. Hughenden inn - night
OR SLEEP?
 
OR HAVE MANNERS?
The inn is a rather rustic combination tavern and rooms, full of villagers with drinks, around tables and standing. Everything is dirty. Lanterns are everywhere.
Apheori (GM): Manners?
 
Ganelon: NOT *THIS* GUY!
The innkeeper is standing behind a counter.
Apheori (GM): Right, so you all are outside the building. Do you go in?
 
Do you send one person in?
The Gravedigger and Radek enter first, with Rhu and Greibel following.
Do you panic?
 
Frezak (GM): GRAVY GOES IN
Gravy bangs his horns into the ceiling, which is too short for him to fully stand. ''(rolled 10 perception)'' He puts a sizable dent in it.
Apheori (GM): Do you stare at your bong?
 
Ganelon: Well, I'm going in at least.
The villagers turn to stare at him as he hunches over slightly.
Rhu considers panicking, then decides against it.
 
Ganelon: The two weirdest ones can walk in side-by-side.
The Gravedigger waves.
Apheori (GM): Gravy: roll perception.
 
Gaurav: We might want to come up with a standard order to walk around in. For encounter reasons.
GREIBEL
Wen: I cautiously stand outside and watch for approaching villagers.
Don't get uptight man, they're just jealous cause they're short.
Bear Soup Guy: We might have to fight some bed bugs
 
Frezak (GM): I HAVE SKILLS SOMEWHERE
After a long pause, one of the villagers waves back. There's quiet chatter as they continue to watch the newcomers.
Ganelon: That's an easy one, Gaurav.
 
Frezak (GM): I SWEAR
The innkeeper, meanwhile, crosses her arms and looks on in irritation.
*rummages*
 
Apheori (GM): Itś 8.
RADEK
Ganelon: Gravy in front, then Azir, Rhu, myself, and Greibel.
Not a lot of uneca in these parts, I take it.
Frezak (GM):
 
rolling 1D20+8
RHU
(
(to the closest villager)
2
Excuse me, do you speak Iera?
)
 
+8
VILLAGER
=
''Vokri sos.
10
 
Apheori (GM): Roll.
One of the fanged peas gets out of Greibel's pocket and bounces across the floor.
Frezak (GM): gah
 
Apheori (GM): Gravy bangs his head on the ceiling, which is too short for him to fully stand.
GREIBEL
Frezak (GM): STUPID DOOR
Woah little dude.
I WILL BURY YOU
 
Ganelon: We're all fairly tough to kill, but Rhu and I are the easiest by far.
Greibel clumsily tries to chase down the fanged pea. ''(rolled 13 dexterity)'' It bounces onto a villager's lap.
So we take the middle.
 
Gaurav: Perfect.
Greibel tries to act innocent.
Rhu walks in after Gravy.
 
Apheori (GM): Gravy: You realise you're in some kind of bar or something. Several villagers are around at tables and standing with drinks.
The villager holds out the pea to give it back, and he picks it up and eyes it uncertainly.
Frezak (GM): I'd take more than a goblin-mounted trebuchet to kill Gravy.
 
Gaurav: Is everybody standing?
It chitters at him.
Frezak (GM): Shit.
 
We don't have money, do we?
GREIBEL
Apheori (GM): Some are, some aren't. The barkeep is standing behind the counter.
Thanks, village guy.
Ganelon: *That* was certainly not what killed Lhoryn.
(to the pea)
Apheori (GM): Probably not.
You be good, little guy. You're a long way from home.
Ganelon: We don't likely have anything these people would consider money.
 
We'll need something to offer as trade.
He puts the fanged pea back in his pocket.
Actually wait.
 
Bear Soup Guy: WE SHALL PAY WITH ROCKS
Rhu wanders around the room asking everybody who isn't scary, "Excuse me, but do you speak Iera?" This yields nothing.
Apheori (GM): Azir has a pile of treasure.
 
Ganelon: I DO have a "small pile of unknown currency".
A rather large guy at one of the other tables stands up and bangs his head on the ceiling. A pained look spreads across his face, and hepromptly sits down again.
Apheori (GM): Greibel has a pocket full of fanged peas.
 
Bear Soup Guy: =D
Everyone else starts laughing.
Frezak (GM): I have booze.
 
Wen: yeah, I have coins.
RADEK
Rhu: ... we do have a package of fertilizer in the car.
Ah, we have another giant. Go communicate with him by flexing, Gravedigger.
Frezak (GM): I could just pop a flare in here and go crayzay.
 
Wen: I don't recommend it
The Gravedigger goes to the innkeeper instead and tries to barter. He drops a bunch of coins on the counter and makes sleeping gestures.
Gaurav: ...
 
Apheori (GM): Snrk.
INNKEEPER
Gaurav: Pop it. POP IT.
''Dena, se?
Frezak (GM): WOOOOO I'M A DEEEEMOOOOON
 
Apheori (GM): Is that what you do?
She points to the group, then stops and holds up four fingers.
Frezak (GM): Not yet.
 
Azir has treasure?
The Gravedigger holds up five and gestures vaguely at the door.
I veaguely remember something about that.
 
Apheori (GM): Well, everyone's watching you as you hunch over slightly.
The innkeeper nods and plucks a coin out of the pile and points to the stairs.
Apparently you dented the ceiling with your horn.
 
Wen: I have coins.
The Gravedigger gives her a bright smile and gathers up the rest.
Frezak (GM): I'll wave.
 
Wen: But do we want to get drunk?
THE GRAVEDIGGER
I don't think that's the best idea. >_>
Hey, guys! Go get Azir. I got us beds. Or something.
Greibel: Don't get uptight man, they're just jealous cause they're short
 
Apheori (GM): One of them waves back.
The Innkeeper startles at the smile and takes an involuntary step backwards.
Frezak (GM): MAN WITH MONEY
 
Apheori (GM): They chatter a bit amongst themselves.
'''''Frezak''' (Gravy): Bah. This makes him sad.
Frezak (GM): GO FORTH
 
Wen: There's also the possibility that as strange, potentially dangerous people, they'd want to be nice to us.
RHU
Frezak (GM): AND SPEND
(to Gravy)
Apheori (GM): The barkeep crosses her arms and looks at you two irritatedly.
I think that tall guy there might have been trying to say something to us. You should talk to him, giant to giant.
How many of you entered?
 
Frezak (GM): Only a total bastard would be mean to Gravy.
The large guy is currently glowering at his mug.
So, Radek.
 
Radek: Not a lot of uneca in these parts, I take it.
The Gravedigger ignores the large man and heads upstairs instead. The man has no shovel.
Wen: I'm not in it yet
 
Gaurav: I wonder if we could charge people to have their photo taken with Gravy or something.
 
Ganelon: I'm mean to everyone.
INT. Hughenden inn upstairs - night
Gaurav: Rhu is inside.
 
Ganelon: My age entitles me to it.
There are three rooms, each with a bed that should be large enough for two people, with the exception of the Gravedigger, whose legs would likely hang off the end. Each also comes with a chair and enough empty space for an old man to do science.
Apheori (GM): Heh.
 
Bear Soup Guy: I guess Greibel's in now
RADEK
Apheori (GM): Okay.
Are any of you particularly sensitive to acidic fu- no, never mind. Pointless question.
So Azir is standing guard outside. Don't forget him, guys.
 
Ganelon: Az-who?
The Gravedigger takes the first room and uses the chair and his bedroll to make the bed longer.
Gaurav: What's the lingua franca of this universe again? Is it English? Common?
 
Frezak (GM): So hes treasure, then?
AZIRAPHALE
*he has?
(pulling Rhu toward the next room)
Apheori (GM): iera
I bunk with Rhu.
Ganelon: If there are multiple languages I'm pretty sure we haven't discussed them at length.
 
Frezak (GM): From... somwehre that I don't remember?
RADEK
WHO HAS MONEY
Greibel can have a bed to himself if I can use the same room.
Apheori (GM): That's the common variant.
 
Wen: I have money. But do you want to spend it here?
GREIBEL
Frezak (GM): Well, we're not getting free beds.
Yeah, no problem here.
Wen: (mmm, an irritable hoarder)
 
Gaurav: Wait, aren't they a commune? Would _they_ have money? Or maybe the bar is, like, for visitors only?
Ganelon: We found coins on Sarathi.
We don't even know if they're valuable here.
Wen: I give Gravy 10 coins.
Rhu: (to the closest villager to us) Excuse me, do you speak Iera?
Apheori (GM): One of the fanged peas gets out of Greibel's pocket and bounces across the floor.
Ganelon: Then again, these guys don't know that they aren't valuable to US.
Greibel: Woah little dude
Greibel clumsily tries to chase down the fanged pea
Apheori (GM): Roll something with dexterity.
Rhu: The villager says 'Vokri sos."
Greibel:
rolling 1d20+0
(
13
)
+0
=
13
Apheori (GM): Oh.
You fail to grab the pea before it bounces into a villager's lap.
He picks it up and eyes it uncertainly.
Rhu wanders around the room asking everybody who isn't scary, "Excuse me, but do you speak Iera?"
Apheori (GM): It chitters at him.
Greibel tries to act innocent
Apheori (GM): The villager holds out the pea to give it back.
Rhu: People look at you blankly, say some things, etc.
Ganelon: Helpful folks, these willagers.
Greibel: Thanks, village guy
Greibel takes back the fanged pea and puts it in his pocket
Apheori (GM): Then a rather large guy you didn't approach stands up and bangs his head on the ceiling.
Frezak (GM): I'll take the money from Azir and head up to the barladywomanperson
Greibel: You be good, little guy. You're a long way from home.
Gaurav: Greibel: maybe let him have it as a gift? Unless we're short on peas.
Radek: Ah, we have another giant. Go communicate with him by flexing, Gravedigger.
Apheori (GM): The large villager promptly sits down again and everyone else starts laughing.
Bear Soup Guy: Oh, surely
Apheori (GM): The barlady person eyes Gravy.
Greibel holds the fanged pea out to the villager in a show of good faith
Frezak (GM): I'm gonna put the coins on the counter and make... sleeping gestures?
Apheori (GM): "Dena, se?" She says, and points to the group.
Then she holds up four fingers.
Frezak (GM): I'm gonna hold up five.
Since Azir is outside.
And gesture vaguely at the door.
Apheori (GM): She nods, plucks a coin out of your hand, and points to the stairs.
Frezak (GM): Awesome.
I'll give her a bright smile.
Gaurav: Just one coin? That's an honest person.
Wen: I go inside on seeing the exchange
The Gravedigger: hey, guys! Go get Azir.
I got us beds. Or something.
Apheori (GM): She looks started and takes an involuntary step backwards.
Ganelon: HAPPY DEMON.
Frezak (GM): Startled at the smile?
Apheori (GM): Yes.
Frezak (GM): Bah.
This makes him sad.
Apheori (GM): You're huge and you have huge teeth. >.>
Wen: GM: it takes 1 out of the 100 coins I took, out of the 500 we found, for beds for five people?
That's... affordable.
Apheori (GM): Apparently.
Frezak (GM): I have huge teeth?
Well typically a room in 4E is about two silver.
Apheori (GM): Maybe not huge for you, but your entire head is huge.
Frezak (GM): One gold for five beds is fair.
Rhu: Gravy: I think that tall guy there might have been trying to say something to us. You should talk to him, giant to giant.
Frezak (GM): Is said tall guy looking at us?
Apheori (GM): He's glowering at his mug.
Rhu looks the tall guy up and down to see if I can figure out anything about him.
Rhu:
rolling 1d20+11 perception check
(
13
)
+11
=
24
Apheori (GM): He's large.
He's muscular.
He's not very happy.
He doesn't look very smart, either.
He might have giant blood in him.
If giants are a thing here.
Frezak (GM): Eh.
Apheori (GM): But you get the idea they might be.
Ganelon: Is it the emptiness in his mug or the emptiness in his soul which is causing him unhappiness?
Frezak (GM): I'm not gonna care about him.
He has no shovel.
Wen: hahaha
Frezak (GM): I'm gonna go upstairs.
Gaurav: He might have one at home?
Apheori (GM): Upstairs!
There are three rooms.
Ganelon: Works for me!
Apheori (GM): They each have a bed which should be large enough for two people.
Except for gravy.
Bear Soup Guy: Convenient
Frezak (GM): DAMMIT
Aziraphale: So Gravy takes a room and I bunk with.. someone.
Radek: Are any of you particularly sensitive to acidic fu- no, never mind. Pointless question.
Apheori (GM): Gravy can take one and have his legs hang off the end.
Frezak (GM): Dammit.
Aziraphale: I bunk with Rhu.
Radek: Greibel can have a bed to himself if I can use the same room.
Frezak (GM): I'll put my legs in my bedroll.
Greibel: Yeah, no problem here
Ganelon: Time to get out MY TOOLS.
Rhu lies down and is asleep before he closes his eyes. His eyes remain oddly open for a few minutes before closing of their own accord.
Rhu lies down and is asleep before he closes his eyes. His eyes remain oddly open for a few minutes before closing of their own accord.
Greibel gets out his smoking tool before bed
 
Aziraphale sleeps fitfully
Aziraphale sleeps fitfully.
Ganelon: There is, at least, space aside from a bed in these rooms?
 
Apheori (GM): Yes.
The Gravedigger checks over his shovels and gear, cleaning it off as best he can, and then goes to bed as well.
Frezak (GM): I will check over my shovels and gear before going to bed.
 
Radek does SCIENCE!
Greibel gets out his smoking tool and takes it to bed, getting really stoned before finally also going to sleep.
Apheori (GM): Each has a bed, a chair, and enough empty space for an old man to do science.
 
Ganelon: Marvelous.
Unaffected by Greibel's fumes ''(rolled 19 constitution)'', Radek gets out his science tools and does science. Using computer parts and some fertilizer, he creates five bombs. Using bits of an exploded dragon and some other questionable substances, he also constructs two vials of Alchemist's Fire and a Woundpatch. Somehow.
Apheori (GM): Also didn't you mention something about a possible ritual to understand people?
 
Bear Soup Guy: Convenient!
Then he begins the testing, trying to figure out what the chrome he's coated in actually is. He finds he can push it around a bit - get it to get thinner or thicker - and it's definitely magical. It also appears to not, technically, strictly speaking, actually be there, and to have properties related to time and non-existence, but as for what it actually is, he has no idea. ''(rolled 20 arcana)''
Ganelon: I did!
 
Apheori (GM): Frezak: Your shovels are birlliant.
He tries to take a sample, but it just disappears with a 'fwip' when he detaches it.
Ganelon: But I can do that in the morning. It doesn't take long to cast and lasts 24 hours.
 
Apheori (GM): Your gear is dirty.
 
Frezak (GM): I'll try and clean my stuff as much as I can before sleeping.
INT. Hughenden inn upstairs - morning
Ganelon: My only concern is that it requires magic stuffs, of which I have a currently small supply.
 
Apheori (GM): Gravy uses the fork to scrape the fertiliser off everything else.
Gan: You might be able to use fertiliser.
Bear Soup Guy: Good for explosives and SCIENCE!
Ganelon: Oh, I intend to.
Gaurav: Is that our fertilizer from the car? Or is this fertilizer that was already in the room? Like, complimentary fertilizer?
Ganelon: With these computer parts and some fertilizer, I shall create five bombs.
Apheori (GM): That was the fertilser Gravy picked up at some point and wound up in the car, I think.
Bahahah, excellent.
Ganelon: They are somewhat unstable time bombs that rattle across the floor and sometimes detonate prematurely.
(I love Artificers)
Apheori (GM): Can they detonate in your bag?
Aziraphale is still sleeping fitfully
Ganelon: No, they have to be set to explode first. The issue is with the timer.
Apheori (GM): Ah.
Ganelon: Not that I would recommend tossing them around. That might cause them to become active.
Apheori (GM): Greibel, Gravy: Do either of you do anything else, or just sleep?
Gaurav: ... what are the computer parts for?
Bear Soup Guy: I get really stoned and then I go to sleep
Gaurav: How long does it take Griebel to get really stoned?
Frezak (GM): Nah, I'll sleep.
Greibel is always stoned.
Bear Soup Guy: ten or fifteen minutes probably
Ganelon: If I were a good enough artificer to make time bombs out of nothing but fertilizer, I'd have built us a new ship to leave this planet already.
Bear Soup Guy: =D
Ganelon: Anyways, I'll also make something out of this dragon gunk.
Apheori (GM): Radek: Roll to see if the fumes from Greibel's getting stoned affect you.
Ganelon:
rolling 1d20
(
19
)
=
19
Apheori (GM): Yeah, you're fine.
Ganelon: Phew.
Bear Soup Guy: bummer
Ganelon: I'll also make two vials of Alchemist's Fire and a Woundpatch (it's like a band-aid).
Apheori (GM): Now do the fumes from Radek's stuff affect Greibel?
Ganelon: From dragon... substances.
Apheori (GM): We may never know.
Bear Soup Guy: XD
Ganelon: Oh, right.
And I want to do tests on this stuff I'm covered in now that we have the time.
That will be all, though.
Apheori (GM): What sorts of tests?
Ganelon: Hm...
Well, I don't want it to go away.
So tests to see if it can be replicated or... maintained.
Apheori (GM): Well, you find you can push it around a bit - get it to get thinner or thicker... how would you try to replicate it?
Or should you just roll a SCIENCE for that?
Ganelon: I haven't the foggiest idea.
I don't even know what this stuff is. Maybe that would be a good start.
Since it came from... me going a little crazy and walking through a wall.
Bear Soup Guy: Spell of spectral analysis
Gaurav: You could do a perception check and see if any of its properties remind you of anything else.
Ganelon: Well, I'll give you a roll for that.
Gaurav: (I say that because you get a +1 on perception if you're within 5 squares of me)
Apheori (GM): It goes through walls? Even when you're asleep?
Bear Soup Guy: He's VERY vigilant
Ganelon: My science is better anyways.
Science:
rolling 1d20+10
(
10
)
+10
=
20
Apheori (GM): It's definitely magical. It appears to have properties related to time and non-existence, but as for what it actually is, you have no idea.
It also appears to not, technically, strictly speaking, actually be there.
But it's more than enough there to... be there.
Ganelon: I'll keep studying it at later opportunities.
For now I'll just take a sample which is not sticking to my person, if possible.
Apheori (GM): The sample disappears when you detach it.
Gaurav: Huh.
Ganelon: Interesting.
Apheori (GM): AND NOW IT'S MORNING.
Ganelon: Yes, that was all I needed to do.
Gaurav: Did you get any of that stuff somewhere that you can remove, like a glove or weapon?
Apheori (GM): Well, everyone but Azir is probably still asleep.
And no, it's just on him - and attached to him.
Rhu opens an eye, groans, then closes it again.
Rhu opens an eye, groans, then closes it again.
Apheori (GM): On his clothes and stuff.
 
You could try taking a bit off, though.
Aziraphale nudges Rhu.
Wen: wait, what happened to me o_O
 
Apheori (GM): You just woke up. You're fine.
But awake.
Wen: Oh.
Aziraphale nudges Rhu
Apheori (GM): Unless... you're NOT FINE?!
Ganelon gasps.
Apheori (GM): I kid.
Ganelon: He's gone coarse!
Rhu groans and gets up.
Rhu groans and gets up.
Wen: Good. A sanity roll would be a terrible way to start the day. >_>
 
Bear Soup Guy: XD
Aziraphale goes and knocks on Gravy's door. Loud, rumbling snores are emanating outward.
Apheori (GM): Oh, wen, rob, d20s.
 
Bear Soup Guy:
Radek opens his door and floods the entire hallway with toxic and/or intoxicating fumes.
rolling 1d20
 
(
RADEK
7
I made some bombs.
)
 
=
GREIBEL
7
Waffle time!
Wen: /me groans
 
Aziraphale:
Radek shoves Greibel out and then shuts the door again and starts performing an arcane ritual to comprehend language.
rolling 1d20
 
(
'''''Ganelon''' (Radek): You can probably hear the ritual happening. Since it involves magic words and all that hogwash.
5
 
)
The Gravedigger is still snoring.
=
 
5
RHU
Apheori (GM): Rob: You want waffles.
Maybe we can ring him on these earpiece things?
Azir: You want pancakes.
 
Wen: Stroopwafels!
Rhu points at his ear.
Greibel: Waffle time!
 
Ganelon: I actually know what those are!
AZIRAPHALE
Wen: NO I OVERRIDE THIS EVERYONE WANTS STROOPWAFFELS
I knocked.
Ganelon: But they'd make a pretty poor breakfast, no?
 
Wen: >_>
Aziraphale opens the door and steps inside cautiously. He finds a sleeping Gravedigger on the floor hugging his shovels.
Apheori (GM): Probably.
 
Wen: Why? A stroopwaffel on a mug of tea...
Sounds pretty brilliant to me. But I want pancakes.
Apheori (GM): EVERYONE BUT GRAVY: You're awake and you can hear gravy's snores.
Bear Soup Guy: now I want an IRL cup of tea
Wen: (Seriously. They're _much_ better melted than if you just tried to eat it)
Aziraphale goes knock on Gravy's door
Gaurav: Oh great, now I want stroopwaffels :(
Ganelon: I suppose I'll just open the door and flood the entire hallway in toxic and/or intoxicating fumes.
Bear Soup Guy: Good idea
Rhu: Maybe we can ring him on these earpiece things? /me points at his ear
Radek: I made some bombs.
Apheori (GM): Radek: Also your ritual.
Apheori (GM) is getting mighty tired of this lack of comprehension.
Ganelon: Sorry.
Comprehend Language takes 10 minutes to perform.
Apheori (GM): A bloody dead end, is what it is.
Ganelon: So I suppose I could just shove Greibel out of the room and start doing that.
Apheori (GM): Okay.
Are you... strong enough?
To do that.
Bear Soup Guy: Greibel is groggy enough
Ganelon: 8 strength? Oh, most certainly not if he's resisting.
Apheori (GM): Okay.
Bear Soup Guy: Greibel's a pacifist. Except when fighting mutant chickens and other oddities.
Apheori (GM): Greibel, Rhu, Azir: So you're all in the hall outside Gravy's room...
Aziraphale: I knocked.
Ganelon: You can probably hear the ritual happening.
Since it involves magic words and all that hogwash.
Apheori (GM): Knocking did nothing.
Aziraphale: I open the door and step inside cautiously
Apheori (GM): You see a sleeping Gravedigger on the floor hugging his shovels.
Rhu shakes his head.
Rhu shakes his head.
Aziraphale: I kick him lightly.
 
Greibel: Awwwww
GREIBEL
Frezak (GM): How lightly?
Awwwww.
Aziraphale: Enough to displace the body part I kicked by about 5cm, not enough to hurt, or at least significantly.
 
The Gravedigger: Fzzgl?
Aziraphale kicks the Gravedigger lightly.
Wstfgl!
 
Gnuuur.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Fzzgl? Wstfgl! Gnuuur.
Oh. Hey.
Oh. Hey.
Wen: do any of us have toothnbrushes? >_>
 
Apheori (GM): Whether you do or not is up to you.
Aziraphale wanders off to find the washroom in order to brush his teeth and all that.
The others probably do in their... kit thingies.
 
Frezak (GM): I totes have all the adventurer things.
'''''Ganelon''' (Radek): I don't know if I even have real teeth. I feel like Radek would have replaced his teeth with rotating sawblades if he still ate things.
Wen: Okay, so I try to find the washroom.
 
Apheori (GM): There's a pitcher at the end of the hall.
Greibel goes through the morning drug ritual. It involves a lot of drugs.
Ganelon: I don't know if I even have real teeth.
 
Wen: I splash some water on my face, brush my teeth, and drink a cup of water.
The Gravedigger checks his shovels and goes downstairs in search of food.
presentability += 100!
 
Greibel goes through the morning drug ritual
 
Ganelon: I feel like Radek would have replaced his teeth with rotating sawblades if he still ate things.
INT. Hughenden inn - day
Frezak (GM): I will check my shovels and go see whether there is food downstairs.
 
Gaurav: Rhu does the morning stuff also.
Downstairs the place is empty now, but there's a note on a table in alien script as well as a loaf of bread and five bowls of congealed porridge.
Apheori (GM): Your shovels are fine. Downstairs the place is empty, but there's a note you can't read and a loaf of bread and five bowls of congealed porridge at a table.
 
Gaurav: Aww!
The Gravedigger takes a bowl and gets eating.
Frezak (GM): PORRIDGE
 
Wen: I eat my share of the food.
Aziraphale comes back and does the same, taking a bowl and some bread and then finding another table to actually eat it at. He fiddles with his phone.
Frezak (GM): I EAT THE PORRIDGE/
 
Wen: WITHOUT TALKING.
GREIBEL
Apheori (GM): All of it?
Is there a bottle of hot sauce around here anywhere?
Ganelon: Shall we say the ritual is done now?
 
Wen: (but still trying to get my communicator to work)
Greibel looks around for hot sauce. He finds some rather suspicious bottles behind the bar, but they probably aren't hot sauce either.
Apheori (GM): Yeah, it's done.
 
Rhu heads downstairs also. He is impressed by the food, but surprised by the lack of people. He walks around and checks if maybe somebody is in the kitchen or somewhere.
Greibel sniffs them. ''(rolled 17 reality)'' The smell that comes out doesn't quite knock him on the floor, but it still gives it a very good try. The fumes are... very strong.
Ganelon: Alright. These come with rolls (but cannot fail - it usually determines degrees of success), so here goes.
 
Apheori (GM): Wen: Remind me, what was wrong with it? >.<
Rhu comes down and looks around in surprise at the lack of people. He checks the kitchen and finds the innkeeper asleep on a cot.
Ganelon:
 
rolling 1d20+10
He tiptoes out and has some porridge.
(
 
19
Having finished his ritual ''(rolled 29 arcana)'', Radek comes down as well.
)
 
+10
RADEK
=
...What is this? They left food for us?
29
 
Well!
RHU
Gaurav: Woo!
So it seems. They left a note.
Apheori (GM): Is that on the note?
 
Wen: There's no signal?
RADEK
Apheori (GM): Rhu: You find the barkeep asleep in the kitchen.
Let me see that.
Wen: Unless there is.
(he takes the note and reads it aloud)
Apheori (GM): Wen: Ah.
''"Thanks for your business. Here's breakfast. And yes, I know you probably can't read this. -J"''
Yes,
 
No signal other than the others.
Greibel brings a bottle over to the others.
Ganelon: So I can definitely understand this language. Can I speak it?
 
Wen: I was just kind of parodying my real life eating ritual. Not talking since I eat alone, but reading stuff on my phone. :P
GREIBEL
Apheori (GM): Uh... sure, why not.
Hey Rhu, smell this.
Rhu tiptoes back out and sits down to eat some porridge.
 
Wen: Whoo!
Rhu does. Nothing horrible happens, though it smells bad. ''(rolled 20 reality)''
Ganelon: Then I'll pack up my things and head downstairs as well.
 
Greibel comes down to eat, very hungry
Greibel shrugs and looks at the bottle.
Greibel: Is there a bottle of hot sauce around here anywhere?
 
Radek: ...What is this? They left food for us?
GREIBEL
Apheori (GM): There seem to be some rather suspicious bottles behind the bar, but they probably aren't hot sauce.
Good enough.
Rhu: So it seems. They left a note.
 
Greibel: Eh, I'll smell 'em
Greibel liberally applies the bottle's contents to his porridge and prepares to eat.
Wen: Is it wow-wow sauce? >_>
 
Apheori (GM): Greibel: Roll a d20.
AZIRAPHALE
Frezak (GM): If it's Wow-wow I'm drinking that shit.
Err, Greibel. Have some of this bread instead, will you? I don't want to have to drag your pooping arse around for the whole day.
Greibel:
 
rolling 1d20
GREIBEL
(
Hmmph.
17
 
)
Greibel reluctantly takes the bread.
=
 
17
Meanwhile the porridge seems to be having some sort of chemical reaction with the liquid. It fizzes and smokes.
Radek: Let me see that.
 
Ganelon: I will look at the note.
Rhu picks up his bowl and steps away from the bubbling porridge.
Apheori (GM): Radek: The note says 'Thanks for your business. Here's breakfast. And yes, I know you probably can't read this. -J'
 
Ganelon: I'll read it out aloud to the party because Radek loves showing off.
AZIRAPHALE
Apheori (GM): Do you read it aloud translated, or in the original language?
Hey, Radek, can you try reading the journal thing?
Ganelon: Translated.
 
Apheori (GM): Greibel: When you take off the cap and smell the bottle, it does not knock you on the floor, but it still gives it a very good try. The fumes are... very strong.
RADEK
Rhu: Does the script look similar to that in the old journal we found at the campsite?
Certainly. This only lasts for a day, so I recommend we make use of it as best we can.
Apheori (GM): Ít may or may not be the same script. The handwriting, however, is a lot neater.
 
Greibel: Hey Rhu, smell this
Apheori (GM): Rhu: d20
Rhu:
rolling d20 against fumes
(
20
)
=
20
Apheori (GM): Ooo, you got lucky.
Ganelon: We've been rolling really damn well to resist fumes.
Also, that ought to be an Endurance roll, says I.
Apheori (GM): It doesn't do anything to Rhu except smell bad.
Bear Soup Guy: We have poor noses
Apheori (GM): I think it was.
Aziraphale: Hey, Radek, can you try reading the journal thing?
Apheori (GM): What's an endurance roll?
Radek: Certainly. This only lasts for a day, so I recommend we make use of it as best we can.
Gaurav: It's a skill check based on Constitution.
Ganelon: Endurance is just another skill.
Apheori (GM): Oh, endurance is a thing!
Ganelon: Yarr.
Rhu hands Radek the old journal.
Rhu hands Radek the old journal.
Apheori (GM): Yeah, I was just basing that on constitution. Well, anyhoo.
 
Ganelon: Without training, they're basically the same thing anyways.
Radek opens it, but he finds it isn't the same language, or even script, as the note, and as a result he can't read it even with the ritual's effects.
Apheori (GM): Yesh.
 
Greibel shrugs and looks at the bottle
RADEK
Greibel: Good enough
This is still gibberish. Whatever language it happens to be, it's not what these people have been speaking.
Greibel liberally applies the bottle's contents to his porridge and prepares to eat
Aziraphale: Err, Greibel
Have some of this bread instead, will you?
I don't want to have to drag your pooping arse around for the whole day.
Ganelon: If the bowl doesn't melt, I'll check out the journal.
Greibel: hmmph
Greibel reluctantly takes the bread
Apheori (GM): It doesn't melt, but the porridge does seem to have a chemical reaction with the liquid.
It's kind of fizzing and smoking.
Gan: The journal!
Does the ritual account for bad handwriting?
Because it is really bad handwriting.
Ganelon: Eh, I rolled a 19.
Rhu picks up his bowl and steps away from the bubbling porridge.
Ganelon: It's probably no worse to me than anyone else's bad handwriting.
So... quite bad, still.
Frezak (GM): Handwriting is probably alien to you coming from a future time.
Ganelon: Nah, man, the journal was just printed in a really shitty font.
Bear Soup Guy: Comic sans :>
Apheori (GM): Well, okay, so you open the journal and realise it's not the same language, or even script, as the note.
Ganelon: Oh my.
Apheori (GM): The page you're on appears to be a fair bit of ranting about ferns.
Wen: Comic Sans is actually pretty readable. Just ugly.
Ganelon: In that case I actually can't read it unless you want to bend rules.
Apheori (GM): Pfft.
Ganelon: Comprehend Language works on one language as specified.
Apheori (GM): I guess we're bending rules.
Because that makes no sense.
Ganelon: But if this helps you move plot stuff along and doesn't force me to recast it? Yeah, I'm not complaining.
Apheori (GM): How do you know what the language is when you're doing the ritual?
Ganelon: You have to have heard or read it.
But it clearly insists that you pick one, too.
Gaurav: I think you're supposed to do the ritual with a piece of writing in the language you need to understand. Or with someone shouting words from it at you, I guess.
Apheori (GM): How does that apply to related languages?
Ganelon shrugs.
Ganelon: It's not that specific.
Gaurav: I wonder how it works with language families: if you "pick" French, can you understand some words from Spanish? I'd guess yes, since so much of the vocabulary overlaps.
Apheori (GM): And what good is it based on the spoken language if you want the written? Each piece is arbitrary and separate.
Ganelon: You just choose a language you've heard or a piece of writing you've seen within the past 24 hours and... *know* it for the next 24.
Apheori (GM): But that's two languages.
Written and spoken are very different forms.
Frezak (GM): I see it as more of a Babelfish than dumping the full lingual ability in your head.
Ganelon: So it's up to you.
Frezak (GM): You do'nt LEARN anything.
Ganelon: This is correct.
Frezak (GM): But for a time /a/ language is translated.
Apheori (GM): Okay.
Frezak (GM): But without you knowing HOW the language is built.
Apheori (GM): So you don't know that it's a rant about ferns.
Sorry.
Ganelon: As for the differences between spoken and written, they are kept separate.
As in, you can use the ritual and translate both, but only if you have access to both. One does not let you understand the other.
Apheori (GM): Ah.
Okay.
Radek: This is still gibberish. Whatever language it happens to be, it's not what these people have been speaking.
I can perform the ritual again tomorrow if you really consider it important, but my supply of residuum is not infinite.
I can perform the ritual again tomorrow if you really consider it important, but my supply of residuum is not infinite.
Rhu puts the journal away until then
 
Aziraphale: Ley
Rhu shakes his head and puts the journal away.
Let's go back to the village then.
 
Now that you can hopefully talk to the people.
AZIRAPHALE
Apheori (GM): Greibel: Are you sure you don't want that porrige?
Let's go check around the village, then. Now that you can hopefully talk to the people.
It looks so... interesting...
 
Wen: I'm sure he doesn't want it
Greibel's porridge is twisting and roiling in the bowl. Greibel covertly dips some bread in it. ''(rolled 10 stealth)''
Ganelon: Someone else is welcome to have my porridge.
 
Greibel covertly dips some bread in the porridge
Aziraphale notices anyway and takes the bread away from Greibel. ''(rolled 18 perception)''
Frezak (GM): The bread screams.
 
Aziraphale takes the bread away from Greibel
Greibel looks sad.
Greibel: :(
 
Apheori (GM): Azir: Roll a spot first.
AZIRAPHALE
Ganelon: Perception and/or stealth!
I suggest we go to the village.
Wen: spot?
 
Apheori (GM): Greibel: And you roll a... covert.
Perception.
Greibel: okie
Aziraphale:
rolling 1d20 + 3
(
15
)
+3
=
18
Greibel:
rolling 1d20+1
(
9
)
+1
=
10
Aziraphale: Good.
Apheori (GM): Now roll a grab.
Wen: whaaat
Too many hoops.
Ganelon: That's a strength mod vs. reflex.
Bear Soup Guy: Bread is serious business
Aziraphale:
rolling 1d20 + 4
(
15
)
+4
=
19
Ganelon: Lhoryn the gnoll grabs stuff all the time. I know grabs like Gravy knows holes.
Wen: wasting my good rolls -_-
Bear Soup Guy: What's a reflex?
Ganelon: It's a defense.
Apheori (GM): He got it away from you. >.<
Bear Soup Guy: Right then
Apheori (GM): Jerk.
Ganelon: AC, Fortitude, Reflex, and Will.
Bear Soup Guy: XD
Apheori (GM): ...actually that might have been a very good thing.
Wen: IT'S FOR HIS OWN GOOD
Apheori (GM): Heh.
Bear Soup Guy: Oh, /that's/ what "Ref" is
Ganelon: Yeah.
Apheori (GM): So. What now?
Aziraphale: I suggest we go to the village
Ganelon: Let's go babble at people.
I'm sure using the grouchy old guy as a translator won't cause problems.
The porridge calls to Greibel.
The porridge calls to Greibel.
Greibel: O_O
 
Rhu: The village sounds like a good idea. Amadi said she was going to "Midnight". Maybe that's a city nearby? We could get back in touch with headquarters, and ... I don't know. Get back home or something.
Greibel startles, not sure where that actually came from.
Aziraphale: I think midnight is a time.
 
Radek: I admit to being somewhat curious as to where the other residents of this building have gone.
RHU
The Gravedigger: I don't think she meant a place.
The village sounds like a good idea. Amadi said she was going to "Midnight". Maybe that's a city nearby? We could get back in touch with headquarters, and... I don't know. Get back home or something.
At least not as we know it.
 
Aziraphale: Home, probably?
AZIRAPHALE
Rhu: The barkeep is in the back, asleep.
I think midnight is a time.
Aziraphale: It's the morning, after all.
 
it's not like people stay at bars all day.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Radek: Well, let's go get directions.
I don't think she meant a place. At least not as we know it.
The Gravedigger: People that use their hands for a living get up as soon as light does.
 
RADEK
I admit to being somewhat curious as to where the other residents of this building have gone.
 
AZIRAPHALE
Home, probably?
It's the morning, after all. It's not like people stay at bars all day.
 
RHU
The barkeep is in the back, asleep.
 
RADEK
Well, let's go get directions.
 
THE GRAVEDIGGER
People that use their hands for a living get up as soon as light does.
Let's go find a king!
Let's go find a king!
Ganelon: Says the only guy who slept in.
 
The porridge flops onto the table.
The porridge flops onto the table.
Frezak (GM): AS if /I/ had any decision in that.
 
Greibel: Hmmm...
GREIBEL
Ganelon: OH GOD
Hmmm...
Frezak (GM): It's the sauce of life.
 
Ganelon: Rifle at the ready.
Radek readies his rifle.
 
The porridge purrs at Greibel.
The porridge purrs at Greibel.
Ganelon: Can we administer the spice of death to it?
 
Greibel: Huh...
GREIBEL
Frezak (GM): POUR BOOZE ON IT
Huh...
Greibel pulls out a fanged pea
 
The porridge: Spice of death?
Greibel pulls out a fanged pea and sets it down next to the porridge. The porridge itself doesn't entirely seem to be porridge anymore.
Greibel set it down next to the porridge
 
The porridge: Ack, OOC
The pea rolls away from the porridge, chittering.
Rhu: Isn't booze in porridge how this started?
 
Apheori (GM): Sorry.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Ganelon: A play on words, dear porridge.
I hope it's not going to do that in my stomach.
Frezak (GM): I will step away from this.
 
Aziraphale: Talking porridge?
AZIRAPHALE
Apheori (GM): That was an accident.
It was the sauce. Your stomach is probably safe.
It hasn't talked. >.<
 
The porridge: YES I DID
RHU
THE GM IS TRYING TO SILENCE MEEEEE
...what was in that bottle?!
Ganelon: Many things are described as the spice of life.
 
The porridge: HELLLLP MEEEEE
GREIBEL
THE GM IS PLOTTING AGAINST YOU
(disappointedly)
Apheori (GM): ...
It smelled delicious.
Greibel: =O
 
Apheori (GM): Please don't do that.
The porridge leaps and devours the pea, which lets out a horrible little shriek before being enveloped in gloopy porridge.
Ganelon: Well duh, that's her job.
 
Frezak (GM): That porridge speaks sense.
Aziraphale stares.
So, is the porridge really moving?
 
Or is that embroidery?
AZIRAPHALE
Rhu:
Can we just go yap at people now?
rolling 1d20+11 perception check to see why the porridge purred.
 
(
Greibel stares.
13
 
)
Rhu stares.
+11
 
=
GREIBEL
24
Yeah... I think the porridge can take care of itself.
Or just if there's something weird about the porridge.
 
Apheori (GM): The porridge managed to get out of its bowl and has been making some odd noises, mostly at Greibel.
RHU
The Gravedigger: I hope it's not going to do that in my stomach.
We should keep the bottle. It might come in handy.
Bear Soup Guy: And I presented it with a fanged pea
 
Aziraphale: It was the sauce
AZIRAPHALE
your stomach is probably safe.
And Greibel, use your eyes and not your hands, please.
Apheori (GM): The porridge itself doesn't seem to be porridge anymore. Whatever Greibel poured on it seems to have had a very odd effect, though it seems normal enough by itself...
 
Fanged pea rolls away from the porridge.
Radek shoots the porridge with some magic in an attempt to freeze it, but the porridge just absorbs the magic.
Gaurav: Phew.
 
Rhu: ... what was in that bottle?!
RADEK
Greibel: It smelled delicious :(
Well, that's troublesome.
The porridge leaps and devours the pea, which lets out a horrible little shriek before being enveloped.
 
Aziraphale: o_O
GREIBEL
Greibel: O_o
I saw this in a movie once. Want to know the ending?
Aziraphale: Can we just go yap at people now?
 
Rhu: 0.0
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Greibel: Yeah...I think the porridge can take care of itself.
Are going to try and kill this? Or just... leave it here?
Rhu: We should keep the bottle. It might come in handy.
 
Ganelon: I'm going to be a little more responsible.
Aziraphale: and Greibel use your eyes and not your hands, please.
Ganelon: And freeze the porridge.
Apheori (GM): Is this magic?
Ganelon: It is magic.
Apheori (GM): The porridge eats it.
Ganelon: I have not yet learned to make liquid nitrogen with alchemy.
Radek: Well, that's troublesome.
Greibel: I saw this in a movie once
Want to know the ending?
The Gravedigger: Are going to try and kill this?
Or just... leave it here?
The porridge jiggles.
The porridge jiggles.
Rhu: The bottle was in this inn. They probably know how to deal with ... this.
 
Aziraphale: If we can't trap it in a container, we should probably just leave it be.
RHU
Rhu: I think we should take the bottle though. It might be useful to be able to animate porridge in the future.
The bottle was in this inn. They probably know how to deal with... this.
Radek: Agreed.
 
Aziraphale: That'd be theft.
AZIRAPHALE
Radek: Don't care.
If we can't trap it in a container, we should probably just leave it be.
Greibel: If I had a nickel for every time I needed some animated porridge...
 
Aziraphale: Do you go in a sushi place and then take the bottle of soy sauce?
RHU
You'd be seriously in debt, Greibel.
I think we should take the bottle though. It might be useful to be able to animate porridge in the future.
Now be quiet.
 
Radek: Soy sauce is much less fascinating.
RADEK
Rhu: We could wake the barkeep and ask.
Agreed.
Bear Soup Guy: Oops
 
Aziraphale: If one of you has a jar I suppose we could take a sample.
AZIRAPHALE
Bear Soup Guy: I think I just destroyed a cooking pot
That'd be theft.
Wen: ><
 
Ganelon: Uh oh.
RADEK
Bear Soup Guy: I totally forgot I was putting on some water for tea, like......an hour ago >_<
Don't care.
Apheori (GM): The pot should be fine, no?
 
Bear Soup Guy: The bottom is black
AZIRAPHALE
But it appears to still be in tact
Do you go in a sushi place and then take the bottle of soy sauce?
Apheori (GM): Meh, that's fine.
 
Frezak (GM): Just wash it.
GREIBEL
Apheori (GM): What about the porridge?
If I had a nickel for every time I needed some animated porridge...
Wen: can we trap it?
 
Gaurav: BSG: oof :(
AZIRAPHALE
Apheori (GM): You can try.
You'd be seriously in debt, Greibel. Now be quiet.
Bear Soup Guy: Yeah okay, looks like it'll be alright
 
Aziraphale: I just want to trap it so it can't get away. Nothing fancy. No battles.
RADEK
Soy sauce is much less fascinating.
 
RHU
We could wake the barkeep and ask.
 
AZIRAPHALE
If one of you has a jar I suppose we could take a sample.
I just want to trap it so it can't get away. Nothing fancy. No battles.
 
The porridge bounces toward Greibel and purrs at the edge of the table.
The porridge bounces toward Greibel and purrs at the edge of the table.
Greibel cautiously puts out a hand to pet it
 
Rhu: Maybe we could catch it in a cloak?
Greibel cautiously puts out a hand to pet it.
Aziraphale: Ehh, I just don't want it to destroy the place when we go
 
If you guys don't think it'll do that we can just leave it be.
The porridge rises to meet the hand and wiggles in response.
The porridge rises to meet the hand and wiggles in response.
Wen: Apheori: This seriously reminds me of the slime in AMD 1 xD
 
Apheori (GM): I have no idea what that is.
When he tries to draw his hand away, he finds the porridge has stuck to it.
Rhu: We could ... dig a hole and bury it.
 
Radek: We certainly have the tools for that.
RHU
Apheori (GM): Greibel: When you try to draw your hand away, you realise the porridge is stuck to it.
Maybe we could catch it in a cloak?
Rhu: I say we wake the barkeep. Odds are, he'll know how to deal with his drinks accidently animating breakfast meals.
 
AZIRAPHALE
Ehh, I just don't want it to destroy the place when we go. If you guys don't think it'll do that we can just leave it be.
 
RHU
We could... dig a hole and bury it.
 
RADEK
We certainly have the tools for that..
 
RHU
I say we wake the barkeep. Odds are, she'll know how to deal with her drinks accidently animating breakfast meals.
(he notices Greibel's hand)
Uh oh.
Uh oh.
Greibel: Huh
 
Odd
GREIBEL
Greibel holds the porridge up to Rhu's face
Huh. Odd.
Greibel: WOOOOOOO! I'M THE HAAAAAUUUUUNTED PORRIIIIIIIIDGE!
 
Rhu: Greibel ... ? Are you okay?
Greibel picks up the entire porridge and holds it up to Rhu's face. His hand looks a bit black where the porridge is touching it.
Apheori (GM): His hands appear to have turned black.
 
Frezak (GM): Sounds okay for a hippie druid druggue.
GREIBEL
Wen: Apheori: http://www.squidi.net/comic/amd/view.php?series=amd&ep=1&id=82
WOOOOOOO! I'M THE HAAAAAUUUUUNTED PORRIIIIIIIIDGE!
Apheori (GM): Not with gangrene or whatever, but just... coated like Radek. Except in black.
 
Aziraphale: Urgh.
RHU
Is it spreading?
Greibel...? Are you okay?
Is his hand withering?
 
Greibel: Try to make a joke and people start questioning your sanity
GREIBEL
Also ouch
Try to make a joke and people start questioning your sanity.
Rhu: Does it hurt?
 
Apheori (GM): Not spreading or withering. Doesn't hurt. Feels a bit cold.
RHU
Gaurav: Sorry about that, BSG: I missed your action, so I thought you'd suddenly been possessed by the porridge. My bad.
Does it hurt?
Rhu: If it's cold, maybe warm will attract or repel it.
 
Bear Soup Guy: s'alright
GREIBEL
Greibel: Magic me some warm, Guru man
Magic me some warm, Guru man.
Ganelon: Uh.
 
Radek: That would be unsafe to say the least.
RADEK
Apheori (GM): Greibel: The porridge seems to be afraid.
That would be unsafe to say the least.
Rhu: You could step outside and see if the sun has any effect on it.
 
Gaurav: Aww.
The porridge seems to be afraid and shrinks away.
Bear Soup Guy: Aw, poor guy
 
er
GREIBEL
Aziraphale: Or we could wake the barkeep up
Aw, poor guy. He just wants to eat fanged peas and look all goopy.
Greibel: Aw, poor guy
 
He just wants to eat fanged peas and look all goopy
RHU
Radek: I can apply incendiary chemicals, but to your hands? Not... recommended.
You could step outside and see if the sun has any effect on it.
Bear Soup Guy: Can I NATURE it?
 
Apheori (GM): Yes.
AZIRAPHALE
What does naturing it do?
Or we could wake the barkeep up.
Greibel:
 
rolling 1d20+11 nature stuff
RADEK
(
I can apply incendiary chemicals, but to your hands? Not... recommended.
10
 
)
Greibel has a go at talking to the porridge directly. ''(rolled 21 nature)''
+11
 
=
GREIBEL
21
Hey little porridge, what's your name, buddy?
I have no idea
 
Apheori (GM): Someone who knows things! Help!
The porridge isn't currently intelligent enough for words, but it likes eating and it likes Greibel because he's its mum, but it doesn't like being stuck, but it's not completely freaking out because it's him that it's stuck to and he's okay because he'a its mum, but it doesn't want to be stuck.
Bear Soup Guy: Probably makes me more in tune with its consciousness, if it has one, since it's now attached to me
 
Ganelon: One sec.
AZIRAPHALE
Gaurav: Try to understand what it's doing? What it might be?
I'll go and wake the barkeep up.
Aziraphale: I'll go and wake the barkeep up
 
Apheori (GM): Can a druid use that to communicate with things?
Aziraphale heads to the kitchen.
Ganelon: If we treat this as an animal, nature would be used to either interact with it (taming, calming down, etc.) or identify it.
 
Apheori (GM): Okay, which were you trying to do, Greibel?
Greibel snuggles the porridge. It relaxes a bit.
Gaurav: Azir++
 
Apheori (GM): It's totally an animal.
RHU
Ganelon: I doubt the latter has much chance of success since this is no normal thing.
I think you need to give it a name.
Wen: This reminds me of 20Q
 
Bear Soup Guy: Yeah I wanted to talk to it
GREIBEL
Ganelon: But that's not up to me.
I shall call him... Rasputin.
Apheori (GM): Okay. You talk to the porridge.
 
Bear Soup Guy: We've identified it, it's mutant porridge, obvs :P
Rhu gingerly tries to touch Rasputin the Porridge, but it shrinks away from his finger.
Wen: What happened to the barkeep?
 
Greibel: Hey little porridge, what's your name, buddy?
Greibel cautiously holds out the porridge and sends signals of calming nature to it, and it calms.
Apheori (GM): It's not intelligent enough for words, but it likes eating and it likes you because you're its mum, but it doesn't like being stuck, but it's not completely freaking out because it's you that it's stuck to and you're okay because you're its mum, but it doesn
 
't want to be stuck.
RHU
Greibel: =O
Aw. Poor thing.
Apheori (GM): Wen: You wake the barkeep. She says something you don't understand.
 
Gaurav: AWW
Aziraphale brings the rather groggy-looking innkeeper out to the others and positions her in front of Radek.
Wen: I wave Radek over
 
Greibel snuggles the porridge
AZIRAPHALE
Ganelon: Coming over.
Radek, can you get the barkeep to look at this thing?
Apheori (GM): The porridge relaxes a bit, but still doesn't want to be stuck.
 
Rhu: Greibel: I think you need to give it a name.
INNKEEPER
Apheori (GM): The innkeeper looks at Azir and Radek enquiringly.
(in deslau)
Greibel: I shall call him....Rasputin.
''So...''
Aziraphale: Radek, can you get the barkeep to look at this thing?
 
Ganelon: I'll... denote alternate languages somehow.
RADEK
Innkeeper: So...
(in deslau)
Rhu gingerly tries to touch Rasputin the Porridge.
''I can talk to you for the remainder of today.''
Radek: ~I can talk to you for the remainder of today.~
 
Innkeeper: ~Oh, sure, and you couldn't do that last night?~
INNKEEPER
Greibel cautiously holds out Rasputin and sends signals of calming nature to it
(in deslau)
Innkeeper: ~What is it?~
''Oh, sure, and you couldn't do that last night?''
Apheori (GM): The porridge shrinks away from Rhu's finger?
''What is it?''
.
 
But it calms.
RADEK
Radek: ~I could not. My... "friend" over here appears to have done something idiotic and might need your help.~
(in deslau)
Rhu: Aw. Poor thing.
''I could not. My... 'friend' over here appears to have done something idiotic and might need your help.''
Radek: ~There is animate porridge stuck to his hands.~
(he indicates Greibel)
Innkeeper: ~Idio... oh, he did NOT get into the...~
''There is animate porridge stuck to his hands.''
Greibel continues to try to get the porridge to warm up to Rhu
 
Aziraphale nodds emphatically
INNKEEPER
Radek moves out of the woman's way.
(in deslau)
Innkeeper bustles over to the common room, and then just sort of stops.
''Idiot... oh, he did NOT get into the...''
Aziraphale: -d
 
Innkeeper: ~What.~
Greibel continues to try to get the porridge to warm up to Rhu.
Greibel: ...What?
 
Innkeeper: ~YOU!~
Aziraphale nods emphatically.
Innkeeper points at Greibel.
 
Innkeeper: ~WHAT DID YOU DO?~
The innkeeper looks Greibel over properly.
Greibel: Help! Scary man's yelling gibberish at me!
 
Apheori (GM): Woman.
INNKEEPER
It's a woman.
(in deslau)
Greibel: Woman!
''What.''
Rhu steps back from Griebel
 
Radek: ~He poured the contents of that bottle into his porridge.~
GREIBEL
~I don't suppose you could explain what caused the reaction, could you?~
...What?
Innkeeper stares for a moment, then turns back into the kitchen and bursts out laughing.
 
Rhu: Huh.
INNKEEPER
(in deslau)
''YOU!''
(she points at Greibel)
''WHAT DID YOU DO?''
 
GREIBEL
Help! Scary woman's yelling gibberish at me!
 
Rhu steps back from Griebel.
 
RADEK
(in deslau)
''He poured the contents of that bottle into his porridge. I don't suppose you could explain what caused the reaction, could you?''
 
She picks up and examines the bottle, then bursts out laughing.
 
RHU
Huh.
 
Radek shrugs at Rhu and the others.
Radek shrugs at Rhu and the others.
Greibel: ....So...this is okay then.
 
GREIBEL
So... this is okay then.
Translate that laugh. What does it mean?
Translate that laugh. What does it mean?
Radek: It means she laughed at you.
 
Greibel: Oh, how exotic!
RADEK
It means she laughed at you.
 
GREIBEL
Oh, how exotic!
 
Aziraphale grumbles.
Aziraphale grumbles.
Innkeeper: ~You don't have shalott where you're from, do you?~
 
Frezak (GM): Shalott? HAH.
INNKEEPER
Gaurav: How did Rasputin respond to the laugh? Or the innkeeper? If at all?
(in deslau)
Ganelon: I know nothing of shalott.
''You don't have shalott where you're from, do you?''
Apheori (GM): Rasputin is calm.
 
Radek: ~I do not.~
The porridge jiggles calmly on Greibel's hand. Greibel plays with it like a kitty.
Innkeeper: ~That bottle was one of the reagents, though... well, it might have been going a little off.~
 
~Shalott is a very strong drink. It's what you drink when you don't want to have to drink anything else.~
RADEK
~Though I'll admit it's not supposed to do that.~
(in deslau)
Greibel meanwhile plays with it like a kitty
''I do not.''
Apheori (GM): The effectiveness of the playing is limited by its still being stuck to your hand.
 
Radek: She says it's a strong drink.
INNKEEPER
Apheori (GM): Did Rhu ever actually poke it?
(in deslau)
Gaurav: I'm going to say no, if the porridge shrunk away Rhu wouldn't have tried to touch it.
''That bottle was one of the reagents, though... well, it might have been going a little off.''
Apheori (GM): Okay.
''Shalott is a very strong drink. It's what you drink when you don't want to have to drink anything else. Though I'll admit it's not supposed to do that.''
Gaurav: Give animated porridge their space, I always say.
 
Radek: Nothing about it animating porridge. I theorize that Greibel is responsible for that.
RADEK
~Do you know of a place called Midnight, miss?~
She says it's a strong drink. Nothing about it animating porridge. I theorize that Greibel is responsible for that.
Innkeeper: ~Oh, you're a charmer!~
(in deslau)
Ganelon: ...
''Do you know of a place called Midnight, miss?''
Sure.
 
Rhu: Greibel, or any of us? Maybe we picked up something from Sarathi that ... has an effect on porridge? Or shalott? Or both?
INNKEEPER
Innkeeper: ~Afraid not. There's Aierseth, and Wayside.~
(in deslau)
Greibel: What an oddly specific thing to pick up
''Oh, you're a charmer!''
Aziraphale: It might not be specific.
''Afraid not. There's Aierseth, and Wayside. Unless you mean one of the ruins of the Gaher? They had odd names like that.''
Innkeeper: ~Unless you mean one of the ruins of the Gaher? They had odd names like that.~
 
Aziraphale: Porridge may just be one of the things that react with it.
RHU
and Shallott.
Greibel, or any of us? Maybe we picked up something from Sarathi that... has an effect on porridge? Or shalott? Or both?
Rhu: Maybe it affects all fluids ... (Rhu shrugs, clearly not really convinced himself)
 
Greibel: Porridge is hardly a fluid
GREIBEL
Greibel scoffs disdainfully
What an oddly specific thing to pick up.
Radek: Hmph. ~I'm not sure. Ideally, we would like to visit a... more advanced place than this.~
 
Aziraphale mutters, not particularly caring how this happened, utterly convinced that if Greibel had kept his greasy fingers to himself..
AZIRAPHALE
Radek: ~Somewhere with a communications array, at least.~
It might not be specific. Porridge may just be one of the things that react with it. And Shallott.
Innkeeper: ~Advanced? You mean older?~
 
Bear Soup Guy: brb
RHU
Radek: ~No, my dear. /Newer./~
Maybe it affects all fluids...
~Places with technology.~
 
Innkeeper: ~Well, if you want wizards, you're on the wrong side of the world, I think. Magic here has... moved on."
Rhu shrugs, clearly not really convinced himself.
~
 
~Unless the whole world's moved on by now. Used to be we had all manner of wonders. Now it's just gone save for the oldest places.~
GREIBEL
Radek: ~That's upsetting news... other side of the world, you say? How long is the circumference of this planet?~
Porridge is hardly a fluid.
Ganelon: What do you mean you don't know science, foolish barkeep?
 
Innkeeper shakes her head tiredly.
Greibel scoffs disdainfully.
Innkeeper: ~More. You're more of them, aren't you.~
 
~And I thought you were just old tales, told to scare the kids.~
RADEK
Radek: ~Excuse me?~
Hmph.
Bear Soup Guy: back
(in deslau)
Innkeeper: ~You should visit the Hole at Vermai. It is where the Cataclysm began.~
''I'm not sure. Ideally, we would like to visit a... more advanced place than this. Somewhere with a communications array, at least.''
Gaurav: oooh
 
Innkeeper: ~Go. Take your sorrows and see your doom for yourselves.~
Aziraphale mutters, not particularly caring how this happened, utterly convinced that if Greibel had kept his greasy fingers to himself...
Innkeeper smiles.
 
Innkeeper: ~When you return, you will understand the purpose of shalott.~
INNKEEPER
Ganelon: Well that's ominous.
''Advanced? You mean older?''
Apheori (GM): She wants to get you drunk.
 
BE AFRAID.
RADEK
Ganelon: And I'M the charmer
''No, my dear. '''Newer'''. Places with technology.''
Bear Soup Guy: XD
 
Rhu: >.>
INNKEEPER
Apheori (GM): You called her miss. She's a bit on in years... though compared to Radek certainly she is a miss. XD
''Well, if you want wizards, you're on the wrong side of the world, I think. Magic here has... moved on. Unless the whole world's moved on by now. Used to be we had all manner of wonders. Now it's just gone save for the oldest places.''
Rhu: Greibel: how do you suppose Rasputin is holding on? Is he sticky at all?
 
Greibel: Sticky...well...yes.
RADEK
He seems to be alright though.
''That's upsetting news... other side of the world, you say? How long is the circumference of this planet?''
Radek: ~I will no doubt mourn the loss of my ability to metabolize alcohol soon, then.~
 
~Where is this Hole?~
The innkeeper shakes her head tiredly.
Ganelon: Well, "at Vermai", of course, but I don't know where that is.
 
Innkeeper: ~Easterly and south. You will find things get more dead as you approach.~
INNKEEPER
Apheori (GM): That's the direction the sinkhole you saw was in.
(in deslau)
Aziraphale: Well, let's thank the innkeeper and move on.
''More. You really are more of them, aren't you. And I thought you were just old tales, told to scare the kids.''
Radek: I have our destination, it seems.
 
Rhu: Hey, if Radek wants to have a drink with her or anything, I'm sure I could find something to do ..
RADEK
Radek: ~The others wish to convey their thanks.~
(in deslau)
Ganelon: Nonsense, Rhy.
''Excuse me?''
Rhu*
 
Innkeeper: ~You can tell your friend he can keep the rest of that bottle if he wants. I wouldn't use it anyway after what it's done to the porridge.~
INNKEEPER
Aziraphale looks at Radek inquiringly
(in deslau)
Radek: The sinkhole we saw earlier.
''You should visit the Hole at Vermai. It is where the Cataclysm began. Go. Take your sorrows and see your doom for yourselves.''
The porridge pulls itself free of Greibel's black hand and bounces up his arm, resting on his shoulder.
(she smiles)
Radek: I'm afraid we may be here for quite a while longer.
''When you return, you will understand the purpose of shalott.''
Greibel: =D
 
RADEK
(in deslau)
''I will no doubt mourn the loss of my ability to metabolize alcohol soon, then. Where is this Hole?''
 
RHU
(to Greibel)
How do you suppose Rasputin is holding on? Is he sticky at all?
 
GREIBEL
Sticky... well... yes. He seems to be alright though.
 
INNKEEPER
''Easterly and south. You will find things get more dead as you approach.''
 
The same direction as the sinkhole they'd seen on the way in.
 
RADEK
I have our destination, it seems.
 
AZIRAPHALE
Well, let's thank the innkeeper and move on.
 
RADEK
(in deslau)
''The others wish to convey their thanks.''
 
INNKEEPER
(in deslau)
''You can tell your friend he can keep the rest of that bottle if he wants. I wouldn't use it anyway after what it's done to the porridge.''
 
Aziraphale looks at Radek inquiringly.
 
RADEK
The sinkhole we saw earlier.
I'm afraid we may be here for quite a while longer. There are no cities, nor ships or communications arrays.
 
AZIRAPHALE
This is depressing.
 
THE GRAVEDIGGER
What a surprise.
 
The porridge pulls itself free of Greibel's black hand and bounces up his arm, resting on his shoulder. A bunch of porridge is still stuck to his hand, but that just seems dead now.
 
GREIBEL
(grinning)
Shoulder porridge!
Shoulder porridge!
Wen: I meant the bottle bit. We can keep it.
 
Greibel strikes an adventurous pose
Greibel strikes an adventurous pose.
Radek: There are no cities, nor ships or communications arrays.
 
Aziraphale: This is depressing
RHU
The Gravedigger: What a surprise.
Pirate Rasputin!
Rhu: Pirate Rasputin!
 
Radek: We may still be able to leave through magical means.
RADEK
Rhu: What about distress beacons? Maybe there's one in CAR?
We may still be able to leave through magical means.
Apheori (GM): A bunch of the porridge is still stuck to Greibel's hand.
 
But it seems to be a dead bunch now.
RHU
Radek: Come on. And take the bottle with you.
What about distress beacons? Maybe there's one in the car?
Greibel wipes it off
 
Gaurav: Shall we head to car? Or do we want to talk some other villagers while Radek can?
RADEK
Ganelon: Up to you.
Come on. And take the bottle with you.
Gaurav: I think we should at least say hi and see if anybody knows anything else about the catastrophe. If this planet really is as bereft of life as all that, we might not see other sentient beings for a while.
 
Radek: ~Thank you for your patronage, miss.~
Greibel wipes the dead porridge stuff off his hand and the blackness goes away.
Innkeeper bows slightly.
 
Gaurav heads outside.
RADEK
Gaurav: oops
(in deslau)
Rhu heads outside.
''Thank you for your patronage, miss.''
Ganelon: I'll follow suit.
 
Apheori (GM): It's sunny out!
The innkeeper bows slightly and then shuffles back toward the kitchen.
Aziraphale follows
 
Frezak (GM): Sun!
 
Apheori (GM): And some folks are lounging around.
EXT. Village of Hughenden - day
Greibel: Let's go, Raspy. What a nice day!
 
Radek: ~Ho there! Loiterers!~
It's bright and sunny out, and dry. Some folks are hanging around, generally in the shade of the various buildings.
Villager: ~Hail, grampa!~
 
The porridge shrinks slightly in the sunlight.
GREIBEL
Rhu: Mm, warm!
Let's go, Raspy. What a nice day!
Gaurav: BTW worth warning people that I have to leave for class in another 20 mins or so :-/
 
Villager: ~You speak in words, no?~
The porridge shrinks slightly in the sunlight but otherwise seems happy at the new experience, jiggling.
Greibel: Nice to have a sun in the sky for once. That doesn't want to eat us.
 
Radek: ~For today.~
RHU
Villager: now*
Mm, warm!
~By the grace of the saints, then? Today is a good day.~
 
The Gravedigger: No fish so far.
GREIBEL
Villager: ~Don't be daft, Chuck. They's wizards. It's wizarding.~
Nice to have a sun in the sky for once. That doesn't want to eat us.
Rhu: Shh, don't give the weather ideas.
 
Radek: ~By the grace of my skill at magic, more like. Your friend is correct.~
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Villager: ~Oh, daft, whatsit? Where do you think the wizards magic comes from?~
No fish so far.
Gaurav: These villagers are straight out of Asterix and Obelix, in the best possible way :-D
 
Villager: ~Sod off.~
RHU
Radek: ~I'm sure an undeveloped culture like yours has a very quaint idea of where magic comes from, but I've no time to hear it.~
Shh, don't give the weather ideas.
~What do you lot know about a Cataclysm?~
 
Villager: ~Oh, you're a grumpy one, ain't ye?~
Radek corners some loiterers, and old guy and an even older guy, though both look like regular normal-aged folks next to Radek.
~Cataclysm for a token.~
 
Ganelon: Wait, is he asking for money?
RADEK
Villager: ~A token? They're outsiders, you idiot.~
(in deslau)
Villager smacks the other one.
''Ho there! Loiterers!''
Villager smacks back.
 
Gaurav: I sincerely hope he's asking for money. I've been waiting for one of us to do an intimidate check.
VILLAGER
Greibel: Heh, they must have the Three Stooges on this planet
(in deslau)
Villager: ~The idiot means a story. When you from?~
''Hail, grampa!''
Ganelon: When *am* I from?
 
Wen: I am from Sarathi
OLDER VILLAGER
Apheori (GM): When.
(in deslau)
Aziraphale: I don't know about the rest of you lot.
''You speak in words, now?''
Wen: Oh.
 
Ganelon: I should know a date, shouldn't I?
RADEK
Wen: This is the second time NPCs have conflated time and place. This might be important.
(in deslau)
Apheori (GM): Date is a vestigial value from a time when a single planet was involved. It's arbitrary and inapplicable.
''For today.''
Frezak (GM): Time?
 
TIME?
OLDER VILLAGER
WE ARE FROM BEYOND TIME.
(in deslau)
WE STEPPED OFF THE HANDS.
''By the grace of the saints, then? Today is a good day.''
Ganelon: Fair enough!
 
Apheori (GM): That said you need to denote time somehow, so it was the 14th span of the 843rd ending.
VILLAGER
Whatever that means.
(in deslau)
Gaurav: Maybe we can just tell them our age? "We are from 29 Earth years ago"
''Don't be daft, Chuck. They's wizards. It's wizarding.''
Radek: ~The 14th span of the 843rd ending, and I should sincerely hope, not the past.~
 
Greibel: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYDCiLdkneY
RADEK
Villager: Er.
''By the grace of my skill at magic, more like. Your friend is correct.''
~Well, you got me.~
 
Gaurav: Greibel: thanks!
OLDER VILLAGER
Villager: ~Of course he got you. You don't even know what day it is!~
(in deslau)
Radek: ~It doesn't mean anything to us either, don't worry. We abandoned the concept of a singular timeline eons ago.~
''Oh, daft, whatsit? Where do you think the wizards' magic comes from?''
Villager: ~What day is it?~
 
~Shut up.~
VILLAGER
Bear Soup Guy: Youtube-brain
(in deslau)
Villager: ~You're used to holes?~
''Sod off.''
Radek: ~Of what sort?~
 
Villager: ~Holes.~
RADEK
~You know. Stuff comes out. Goes in. Gets shredded.~
(in deslau)
Radek: ~I travel with a brute who enjoys *digging* holes...~
''I'm sure an undeveloped culture like yours has a very quaint idea of where magic comes from, but I've no time to hear it.''
Frezak (GM): Brute?
''What do you lot know about a Cataclysm?''
Ganelon: Yes.
 
Villager: ~Oy, you don't know that! There just happens to be a hole, and folks from the wrong times appear sometimes, but it's just as easily a coincidence.~
OLDER VILLAGER
Frezak (GM): I have 12 int!
(in deslau)
Villager: ~Does he dig through time?~
''Oh, you're a grumpy one, ain't ye? Cataclysm for a token.''
Ganelon: Your strength is not 8.
 
Frezak (GM): Pfff.
VILLAGER
Noddle-armed grump.
(in deslau)
Nozzle-armed?
''A token? They're outsiders, you idiot.''
Villager: ~Because this hole, what, it goes through TIIIIIME.~
 
~No it doesn't. You don't know that. Stop making up stories.~
The younger villager smacks the older one.
Radek: ~Oh, marvelous!~
 
Villager smacks the other villager again.
The older one smacks him right back.
Villager: ~Seriously, don't listen to him. He's addled, he is.~
 
Radek: ~Then presumably, the other side may house a time more agreeable than this one.~
GREIBEL
Villager: ~Yeah, you just say that because you're addled and feel lonely.~
Heh, they must have the Three Stooges on this planet.
~Oh, no. there's no other side. Everything just gets shredded that gets near.~
 
~Yeah, he tried it. Dropped a big ol' boulder in there. You know what happened? It exploded is what happened!~
VILLAGER
Radek: ~Have you considered using it for waste disposal?~
(in deslau)
~Well, no matter, I should very much like to investigate any matter of spatial or temporal anomaly for myself.~
''The idiot means a story. When you from?''
Villager: ~Why would we need a waste disposal?~
 
Gaurav: I'm going to have to leave in another five minutes or so. Are we meeting again on Saturday at the same time as today (11am MT)?
RADEK
Villager: ~Too far away anyway. Three days just to dump compost? Eck.~
(in deslau)
Ganelon: I'll be there.
''The 14th span of the 843rd ending, and, I should sincerely hope, not the past.''
Villager: Yes.
 
Oops.
VILLAGER
Apheori (GM): Yes.
(in deslau)
Bear Soup Guy: Works for me
''Well, you got me.''
Ganelon: I wish this ritual worked for more than just me.
 
You guys must be getting bored.
OLDER VILLAGER
Gaurav: sweet! keep going, i have ~5 mins.
(in deslau)
naah, it's fine. I (Gaurav) am well entertained by these amazing villagers. Rhu is sitting on the grass enjoying the sun.
''Of course he got you. You don't even know what day it is!''
Radek: They appear to be talking about some hole that shreds matter in its vicinity
 
Frezak (GM): 's cool.
VILLAGER
Aziraphale: Marvelous.
(in deslau)
Villager: ~And it killed everything. You should see the wildlife!~
''Shut up.''
~Kids love it, of course.~
 
~Back when we had kids.~
RADEK
~Do you have kids?~
(in deslau)
Wen: Not that I know of. /me runs
''It doesn't mean anything to us either, don't worry. We abandoned the concept of a singular timeline eons ago.''
Villager: ~Chuck had a kid. Died.~
 
~All died.~
VILLAGER
Radek: ~Machines are much less irritating.~
(in deslau)
Villager: ~Oh, they'll wreck too.~
''What day is it?''
~Even turn on you sometimes.~
 
~I'd rather have a kid turn on me than a hulk, that's for damn sure.~
OLDER VILLAGER
~Back when we had hulks, you mean? They went out before the kids did.~
(in deslau)
Villagers blather at each other for awhile.
''You're used to holes?''
Radek: Hmph.
 
Gaurav: Hehe
RADEK
Okay, I gotta run. Thanks for a great game! See you all on Saturday!
(in deslau)
Ganelon: I'll assume this conversation is over
''Of what sort? I travel with a brute who enjoys '''digging''' holes...''
Bear Soup Guy: Bye Gaurav!
 
Apheori (GM): Looks like.
VILLAGER
Ganelon: Unless they have something more to say to Radek.
(in deslau)
Wen: Bye!
''Holes. You know. Stuff comes out. Goes in. Gets shredded.''
Gaurav: byeeeeee
 
Apheori (GM): Shall we call it a day?
The older one gives him an annoyed look.
Bear Soup Guy: Would be a good plot point to cut off at
 
I'm game for more if everybody else is though
OLDER VILLAGER
Ganelon shrugs.
(in deslau)
Ganelon: This is a good cutoff point.
''Oy, you don't know that! There just happens to be a hole, and folks from the wrong times appear sometimes, but it's just as easily a coincidence.
Next session won't require me to do all the talking.
(eyeing the Gravedigger)
Aziraphale: So we slept, Radek made stuff, Greibel befriended porridge, and we talked to some villagers.
''Does he dig through time? Because this hole, what, it goes through TIIIIIME.''
Wen: Heh.
 
Ganelon: Yes, at some point next time I'll have to bring up the making of stuff.
VILLAGER
"Hey, anyone want a bomb?"
(in deslau)
Bear Soup Guy: XD
''No it doesn't. You don't know that. Stop making up stories.''
Ganelon: "I got like, five of 'em."
 
"Bombs for everyone."
The younger villager smacks the older villager again.
"They're a real blast."
 
Apheori (GM): Heh.
RADEK
Wen: You get a bomb! You get a bomb! Everybody gets a bomb! *chucks* BOOM.
(in deslau)
Bear Soup Guy: Such friendly terrorism
''Oh, marvelous!''
Ganelon: They are rather ineffective weapons, but you can set them as a minor action.
 
So you could set three bombs per turn, if you felt so inclined.
VILLAGER
Frezak (GM): I'd just pick one and smash someone with it.
(in deslau)
Apheori (GM): I won't be able to make it the 25th.
''Seriously, don't listen to him. He's addled, he is.''
Just so you know.
 
Bear Soup Guy: Oh, neither will I
OLDER VILLAGER
Ganelon: That's what, two weeks?
''Yeah, you just say that because you're addled and feel lonely.''
Wen: Yes.
 
Ganelon: Not a problem.
RADEK
Apheori (GM): Yes.
(in deslau)
Wen: So that's it for now?
''Then presumably, the other side may house a time more agreeable than this one.''
Apheori (GM): Looks like.
 
Wen: Okay, well, farewell.
VILLAGER
Bear Soup Guy: Adios
(in deslau)
</pre>
''Oh, no. there's no other side. Everything just gets shredded that gets near.''
 
OLDER VILLAGER
(in deslau)
''Yeah, he tried it. Dropped a big ol' boulder in there. You know what happened? It exploded is what happened!''
 
RADEK
(in deslau)
''Have you considered using it for waste disposal?''
''Well, no matter, I should very much like to investigate any matter of spatial or temporal anomaly for myself.''
 
OLDER VILLAGER
(in deslau)
''Why would we need a waste disposal? Too far away anyway. Three days just to dump compost? Eck.''
 
RADEK
They appear to be talking about some hole that shreds matter in its vicinity.
 
AZIRAPHALE
Marvelous.
 
VILLAGER
(in deslau)
''And it killed everything. You should see the wildlife!''
 
OLDER VILLAGER
(in deslau)
''Kids love it, of course.''
 
VILLAGER
(in deslau)
''Back when we had kids.''
 
OLDER VILLAGER
(looking surprised; in deslau)
''Do you have kids?''
 
VILLAGER
(in deslau)
''Bob had a kid. Died.''
 
OLDER VILLAGER
(in deslau)
''All died.''
 
RADEK
(in deslau)
''Machines are much less irritating.''
 
VILLAGER
(in deslau)
''Oh, they'll wreck too.''
 
OLDER VILLAGER
(in deslau)
''Even turn on you sometimes.''
 
VILLAGER
(in deslau)
''I'd rather have a kid turn on me than a hulk, that's for damn sure.''
 
OLDER VILLAGER
(in deslau)
''Back when we had hulks, you mean? They went out before the kids did.''
 
The two villagers blather at each other for awhile.
 
RADEK
Hmph.
 
</screenplay>
 
{{holes nav
|previous=Holes/Session 4
|next=Holes/Session 6
}}

Latest revision as of 16:50, 9 April 2015

≪ PreviousNext ≫
Session 5 (raw log) (Overview)
EXT. Village of Hughenden - night
The stars are out now. Radek, Aziraphale, and Rhu are all in or around the car. A few villagers are nearby chatting and watching, and others are going about their business.
RHU
I think we should sleep somewhere - here if we can convince the villagers, otherwise set up camp somewhere. I don't like the idea of wandering around after dark.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Go make... gestures, then.
AZIRAPHALE
Can't we sleep in the car? It should offer some protection.
Rhu stares up at the stars and tries to see if he recognises them. (rolled 17 history) One of the constellations looks like a large blob.
RHU
Azir, look at those constellations! That one looks like a blob.
Aziraphale looks.
RHU
D'you know what, maybe if we pitch tent in their village square they'll get the message and invite us in. Or at least get us warm food in the morning.
AZIRAPHALE
I think that's sound. Or at the entrance. I'm not fond of the idea of being surrounded by them.
Radek draws a bed in the dirt.
RADEK
Hey, uncultured rube!
Radek beckons to one of the villagers from before, starlight glinting off his chrome.
The villager waves to Radek.
RADEK
Unbelievable...
Radek takes his stick and approaches the villager directly, drawing another bed in the dirt in front of him.
The villager looks at the bed drawing.
VILLAGER
(pointing toward one of the buildings down the road)
Ahn. Aneri kanao tira.
Radek turns back towards the car.
RADEK
Unless these people are too backwards to understand symbolism, I may have found us sleeping quarters!
The Gravedigger and Greibel rejoin the others, now with drug plants.
RHU
Do you think they'll worry if we brought our weapons in? I agree with Azir, sleeping surrounded by strange villagers sounds like a bad idea.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Nothing is going to make me part with my shovels. And the spades. And the trowel.
AZIRAPHALE
I think we can take our weapons. They aren't likely to recognise them. Just don't point them at the people.
GREIBEL
What about the bong, man?
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Of course you can keep the bong.
RADEK
I've no intentions of sleeping anyways. I have work to do.
Rhu conceals his maul under his cloak as best he can.


INT. Hughenden inn - night
The inn is a rather rustic combination tavern and rooms, full of villagers with drinks, around tables and standing. Everything is dirty. Lanterns are everywhere.
The innkeeper is standing behind a counter.
The Gravedigger and Radek enter first, with Rhu and Greibel following.
Gravy bangs his horns into the ceiling, which is too short for him to fully stand. (rolled 10 perception) He puts a sizable dent in it.
The villagers turn to stare at him as he hunches over slightly.
The Gravedigger waves.
GREIBEL
Don't get uptight man, they're just jealous cause they're short.
After a long pause, one of the villagers waves back. There's quiet chatter as they continue to watch the newcomers.
The innkeeper, meanwhile, crosses her arms and looks on in irritation.
RADEK
Not a lot of uneca in these parts, I take it.
RHU
(to the closest villager)
Excuse me, do you speak Iera?
VILLAGER
Vokri sos.
One of the fanged peas gets out of Greibel's pocket and bounces across the floor.
GREIBEL
Woah little dude.
Greibel clumsily tries to chase down the fanged pea. (rolled 13 dexterity) It bounces onto a villager's lap.
Greibel tries to act innocent.
The villager holds out the pea to give it back, and he picks it up and eyes it uncertainly.
It chitters at him.
GREIBEL
Thanks, village guy.
(to the pea)
You be good, little guy. You're a long way from home.
He puts the fanged pea back in his pocket.
Rhu wanders around the room asking everybody who isn't scary, "Excuse me, but do you speak Iera?" This yields nothing.
A rather large guy at one of the other tables stands up and bangs his head on the ceiling. A pained look spreads across his face, and hepromptly sits down again.
Everyone else starts laughing.
RADEK
Ah, we have another giant. Go communicate with him by flexing, Gravedigger.
The Gravedigger goes to the innkeeper instead and tries to barter. He drops a bunch of coins on the counter and makes sleeping gestures.
INNKEEPER
Dena, se?
She points to the group, then stops and holds up four fingers.
The Gravedigger holds up five and gestures vaguely at the door.
The innkeeper nods and plucks a coin out of the pile and points to the stairs.
The Gravedigger gives her a bright smile and gathers up the rest.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Hey, guys! Go get Azir. I got us beds. Or something.
The Innkeeper startles at the smile and takes an involuntary step backwards.
Frezak (Gravy): Bah. This makes him sad.
RHU
(to Gravy)
I think that tall guy there might have been trying to say something to us. You should talk to him, giant to giant.
The large guy is currently glowering at his mug.
The Gravedigger ignores the large man and heads upstairs instead. The man has no shovel.


INT. Hughenden inn upstairs - night
There are three rooms, each with a bed that should be large enough for two people, with the exception of the Gravedigger, whose legs would likely hang off the end. Each also comes with a chair and enough empty space for an old man to do science.
RADEK
Are any of you particularly sensitive to acidic fu- no, never mind. Pointless question.
The Gravedigger takes the first room and uses the chair and his bedroll to make the bed longer.
AZIRAPHALE
(pulling Rhu toward the next room)
I bunk with Rhu.
RADEK
Greibel can have a bed to himself if I can use the same room.
GREIBEL
Yeah, no problem here.
Rhu lies down and is asleep before he closes his eyes. His eyes remain oddly open for a few minutes before closing of their own accord.
Aziraphale sleeps fitfully.
The Gravedigger checks over his shovels and gear, cleaning it off as best he can, and then goes to bed as well.
Greibel gets out his smoking tool and takes it to bed, getting really stoned before finally also going to sleep.
Unaffected by Greibel's fumes (rolled 19 constitution), Radek gets out his science tools and does science. Using computer parts and some fertilizer, he creates five bombs. Using bits of an exploded dragon and some other questionable substances, he also constructs two vials of Alchemist's Fire and a Woundpatch. Somehow.
Then he begins the testing, trying to figure out what the chrome he's coated in actually is. He finds he can push it around a bit - get it to get thinner or thicker - and it's definitely magical. It also appears to not, technically, strictly speaking, actually be there, and to have properties related to time and non-existence, but as for what it actually is, he has no idea. (rolled 20 arcana)
He tries to take a sample, but it just disappears with a 'fwip' when he detaches it.


INT. Hughenden inn upstairs - morning
Rhu opens an eye, groans, then closes it again.
Aziraphale nudges Rhu.
Rhu groans and gets up.
Aziraphale goes and knocks on Gravy's door. Loud, rumbling snores are emanating outward.
Radek opens his door and floods the entire hallway with toxic and/or intoxicating fumes.
RADEK
I made some bombs.
GREIBEL
Waffle time!
Radek shoves Greibel out and then shuts the door again and starts performing an arcane ritual to comprehend language.
Ganelon (Radek): You can probably hear the ritual happening. Since it involves magic words and all that hogwash.
The Gravedigger is still snoring.
RHU
Maybe we can ring him on these earpiece things?
Rhu points at his ear.
AZIRAPHALE
I knocked.
Aziraphale opens the door and steps inside cautiously. He finds a sleeping Gravedigger on the floor hugging his shovels.
Rhu shakes his head.
GREIBEL
Awwwww.
Aziraphale kicks the Gravedigger lightly.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Fzzgl? Wstfgl! Gnuuur.
Oh. Hey.
Aziraphale wanders off to find the washroom in order to brush his teeth and all that.
Ganelon (Radek): I don't know if I even have real teeth. I feel like Radek would have replaced his teeth with rotating sawblades if he still ate things.
Greibel goes through the morning drug ritual. It involves a lot of drugs.
The Gravedigger checks his shovels and goes downstairs in search of food.


INT. Hughenden inn - day
Downstairs the place is empty now, but there's a note on a table in alien script as well as a loaf of bread and five bowls of congealed porridge.
The Gravedigger takes a bowl and gets eating.
Aziraphale comes back and does the same, taking a bowl and some bread and then finding another table to actually eat it at. He fiddles with his phone.
GREIBEL
Is there a bottle of hot sauce around here anywhere?
Greibel looks around for hot sauce. He finds some rather suspicious bottles behind the bar, but they probably aren't hot sauce either.
Greibel sniffs them. (rolled 17 reality) The smell that comes out doesn't quite knock him on the floor, but it still gives it a very good try. The fumes are... very strong.
Rhu comes down and looks around in surprise at the lack of people. He checks the kitchen and finds the innkeeper asleep on a cot.
He tiptoes out and has some porridge.
Having finished his ritual (rolled 29 arcana), Radek comes down as well.
RADEK
...What is this? They left food for us?
RHU
So it seems. They left a note.
RADEK
Let me see that.
(he takes the note and reads it aloud)
"Thanks for your business. Here's breakfast. And yes, I know you probably can't read this. -J"
Greibel brings a bottle over to the others.
GREIBEL
Hey Rhu, smell this.
Rhu does. Nothing horrible happens, though it smells bad. (rolled 20 reality)
Greibel shrugs and looks at the bottle.
GREIBEL
Good enough.
Greibel liberally applies the bottle's contents to his porridge and prepares to eat.
AZIRAPHALE
Err, Greibel. Have some of this bread instead, will you? I don't want to have to drag your pooping arse around for the whole day.
GREIBEL
Hmmph.
Greibel reluctantly takes the bread.
Meanwhile the porridge seems to be having some sort of chemical reaction with the liquid. It fizzes and smokes.
Rhu picks up his bowl and steps away from the bubbling porridge.
AZIRAPHALE
Hey, Radek, can you try reading the journal thing?
RADEK
Certainly. This only lasts for a day, so I recommend we make use of it as best we can.
Rhu hands Radek the old journal.
Radek opens it, but he finds it isn't the same language, or even script, as the note, and as a result he can't read it even with the ritual's effects.
RADEK
This is still gibberish. Whatever language it happens to be, it's not what these people have been speaking.
I can perform the ritual again tomorrow if you really consider it important, but my supply of residuum is not infinite.
Rhu shakes his head and puts the journal away.
AZIRAPHALE
Let's go check around the village, then. Now that you can hopefully talk to the people.
Greibel's porridge is twisting and roiling in the bowl. Greibel covertly dips some bread in it. (rolled 10 stealth)
Aziraphale notices anyway and takes the bread away from Greibel. (rolled 18 perception)
Greibel looks sad.
AZIRAPHALE
I suggest we go to the village.
The porridge calls to Greibel.
Greibel startles, not sure where that actually came from.
RHU
The village sounds like a good idea. Amadi said she was going to "Midnight". Maybe that's a city nearby? We could get back in touch with headquarters, and... I don't know. Get back home or something.
AZIRAPHALE
I think midnight is a time.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
I don't think she meant a place. At least not as we know it.
RADEK
I admit to being somewhat curious as to where the other residents of this building have gone.
AZIRAPHALE
Home, probably?
It's the morning, after all. It's not like people stay at bars all day.
RHU
The barkeep is in the back, asleep.
RADEK
Well, let's go get directions.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
People that use their hands for a living get up as soon as light does.
Let's go find a king!
The porridge flops onto the table.
GREIBEL
Hmmm...
Radek readies his rifle.
The porridge purrs at Greibel.
GREIBEL
Huh...
Greibel pulls out a fanged pea and sets it down next to the porridge. The porridge itself doesn't entirely seem to be porridge anymore.
The pea rolls away from the porridge, chittering.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
I hope it's not going to do that in my stomach.
AZIRAPHALE
It was the sauce. Your stomach is probably safe.
RHU
...what was in that bottle?!
GREIBEL
(disappointedly)
It smelled delicious.
The porridge leaps and devours the pea, which lets out a horrible little shriek before being enveloped in gloopy porridge.
Aziraphale stares.
AZIRAPHALE
Can we just go yap at people now?
Greibel stares.
Rhu stares.
GREIBEL
Yeah... I think the porridge can take care of itself.
RHU
We should keep the bottle. It might come in handy.
AZIRAPHALE
And Greibel, use your eyes and not your hands, please.
Radek shoots the porridge with some magic in an attempt to freeze it, but the porridge just absorbs the magic.
RADEK
Well, that's troublesome.
GREIBEL
I saw this in a movie once. Want to know the ending?
THE GRAVEDIGGER
Are going to try and kill this? Or just... leave it here?
The porridge jiggles.
RHU
The bottle was in this inn. They probably know how to deal with... this.
AZIRAPHALE
If we can't trap it in a container, we should probably just leave it be.
RHU
I think we should take the bottle though. It might be useful to be able to animate porridge in the future.
RADEK
Agreed.
AZIRAPHALE
That'd be theft.
RADEK
Don't care.
AZIRAPHALE
Do you go in a sushi place and then take the bottle of soy sauce?
GREIBEL
If I had a nickel for every time I needed some animated porridge...
AZIRAPHALE
You'd be seriously in debt, Greibel. Now be quiet.
RADEK
Soy sauce is much less fascinating.
RHU
We could wake the barkeep and ask.
AZIRAPHALE
If one of you has a jar I suppose we could take a sample.
I just want to trap it so it can't get away. Nothing fancy. No battles.
The porridge bounces toward Greibel and purrs at the edge of the table.
Greibel cautiously puts out a hand to pet it.
The porridge rises to meet the hand and wiggles in response.
When he tries to draw his hand away, he finds the porridge has stuck to it.
RHU
Maybe we could catch it in a cloak?
AZIRAPHALE
Ehh, I just don't want it to destroy the place when we go. If you guys don't think it'll do that we can just leave it be.
RHU
We could... dig a hole and bury it.
RADEK
We certainly have the tools for that..
RHU
I say we wake the barkeep. Odds are, she'll know how to deal with her drinks accidently animating breakfast meals.
(he notices Greibel's hand)
Uh oh.
GREIBEL
Huh. Odd.
Greibel picks up the entire porridge and holds it up to Rhu's face. His hand looks a bit black where the porridge is touching it.
GREIBEL
WOOOOOOO! I'M THE HAAAAAUUUUUNTED PORRIIIIIIIIDGE!
RHU
Greibel...? Are you okay?
GREIBEL
Try to make a joke and people start questioning your sanity.
RHU
Does it hurt?
GREIBEL
Magic me some warm, Guru man.
RADEK
That would be unsafe to say the least.
The porridge seems to be afraid and shrinks away.
GREIBEL
Aw, poor guy. He just wants to eat fanged peas and look all goopy.
RHU
You could step outside and see if the sun has any effect on it.
AZIRAPHALE
Or we could wake the barkeep up.
RADEK
I can apply incendiary chemicals, but to your hands? Not... recommended.
Greibel has a go at talking to the porridge directly. (rolled 21 nature)
GREIBEL
Hey little porridge, what's your name, buddy?
The porridge isn't currently intelligent enough for words, but it likes eating and it likes Greibel because he's its mum, but it doesn't like being stuck, but it's not completely freaking out because it's him that it's stuck to and he's okay because he'a its mum, but it doesn't want to be stuck.
AZIRAPHALE
I'll go and wake the barkeep up.
Aziraphale heads to the kitchen.
Greibel snuggles the porridge. It relaxes a bit.
RHU
I think you need to give it a name.
GREIBEL
I shall call him... Rasputin.
Rhu gingerly tries to touch Rasputin the Porridge, but it shrinks away from his finger.
Greibel cautiously holds out the porridge and sends signals of calming nature to it, and it calms.
RHU
Aw. Poor thing.
Aziraphale brings the rather groggy-looking innkeeper out to the others and positions her in front of Radek.
AZIRAPHALE
Radek, can you get the barkeep to look at this thing?
INNKEEPER
(in deslau)
So...
RADEK
(in deslau)
I can talk to you for the remainder of today.
INNKEEPER
(in deslau)
Oh, sure, and you couldn't do that last night?
What is it?
RADEK
(in deslau)
I could not. My... 'friend' over here appears to have done something idiotic and might need your help.
(he indicates Greibel)
There is animate porridge stuck to his hands.
INNKEEPER
(in deslau)
Idiot... oh, he did NOT get into the...
Greibel continues to try to get the porridge to warm up to Rhu.
Aziraphale nods emphatically.
The innkeeper looks Greibel over properly.
INNKEEPER
(in deslau)
What.
GREIBEL
...What?
INNKEEPER
(in deslau)
YOU!
(she points at Greibel)
WHAT DID YOU DO?
GREIBEL
Help! Scary woman's yelling gibberish at me!
Rhu steps back from Griebel.
RADEK
(in deslau)
He poured the contents of that bottle into his porridge. I don't suppose you could explain what caused the reaction, could you?
She picks up and examines the bottle, then bursts out laughing.
RHU
Huh.
Radek shrugs at Rhu and the others.
GREIBEL
So... this is okay then.
Translate that laugh. What does it mean?
RADEK
It means she laughed at you.
GREIBEL
Oh, how exotic!
Aziraphale grumbles.
INNKEEPER
(in deslau)
You don't have shalott where you're from, do you?
The porridge jiggles calmly on Greibel's hand. Greibel plays with it like a kitty.
RADEK
(in deslau)
I do not.
INNKEEPER
(in deslau)
That bottle was one of the reagents, though... well, it might have been going a little off.
Shalott is a very strong drink. It's what you drink when you don't want to have to drink anything else. Though I'll admit it's not supposed to do that.
RADEK
She says it's a strong drink. Nothing about it animating porridge. I theorize that Greibel is responsible for that.
(in deslau)
Do you know of a place called Midnight, miss?
INNKEEPER
(in deslau)
Oh, you're a charmer!
Afraid not. There's Aierseth, and Wayside. Unless you mean one of the ruins of the Gaher? They had odd names like that.
RHU
Greibel, or any of us? Maybe we picked up something from Sarathi that... has an effect on porridge? Or shalott? Or both?
GREIBEL
What an oddly specific thing to pick up.
AZIRAPHALE
It might not be specific. Porridge may just be one of the things that react with it. And Shallott.
RHU
Maybe it affects all fluids...
Rhu shrugs, clearly not really convinced himself.
GREIBEL
Porridge is hardly a fluid.
Greibel scoffs disdainfully.
RADEK
Hmph.
(in deslau)
I'm not sure. Ideally, we would like to visit a... more advanced place than this. Somewhere with a communications array, at least.
Aziraphale mutters, not particularly caring how this happened, utterly convinced that if Greibel had kept his greasy fingers to himself...
INNKEEPER
Advanced? You mean older?
RADEK
No, my dear. Newer. Places with technology.
INNKEEPER
Well, if you want wizards, you're on the wrong side of the world, I think. Magic here has... moved on. Unless the whole world's moved on by now. Used to be we had all manner of wonders. Now it's just gone save for the oldest places.
RADEK
That's upsetting news... other side of the world, you say? How long is the circumference of this planet?
The innkeeper shakes her head tiredly.
INNKEEPER
(in deslau)
More. You really are more of them, aren't you. And I thought you were just old tales, told to scare the kids.
RADEK
(in deslau)
Excuse me?
INNKEEPER
(in deslau)
You should visit the Hole at Vermai. It is where the Cataclysm began. Go. Take your sorrows and see your doom for yourselves.
(she smiles)
When you return, you will understand the purpose of shalott.
RADEK
(in deslau)
I will no doubt mourn the loss of my ability to metabolize alcohol soon, then. Where is this Hole?
RHU
(to Greibel)
How do you suppose Rasputin is holding on? Is he sticky at all?
GREIBEL
Sticky... well... yes. He seems to be alright though.
INNKEEPER
Easterly and south. You will find things get more dead as you approach.
The same direction as the sinkhole they'd seen on the way in.
RADEK
I have our destination, it seems.
AZIRAPHALE
Well, let's thank the innkeeper and move on.
RADEK
(in deslau)
The others wish to convey their thanks.
INNKEEPER
(in deslau)
You can tell your friend he can keep the rest of that bottle if he wants. I wouldn't use it anyway after what it's done to the porridge.
Aziraphale looks at Radek inquiringly.
RADEK
The sinkhole we saw earlier.
I'm afraid we may be here for quite a while longer. There are no cities, nor ships or communications arrays.
AZIRAPHALE
This is depressing.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
What a surprise.
The porridge pulls itself free of Greibel's black hand and bounces up his arm, resting on his shoulder. A bunch of porridge is still stuck to his hand, but that just seems dead now.
GREIBEL
(grinning)
Shoulder porridge!
Greibel strikes an adventurous pose.
RHU
Pirate Rasputin!
RADEK
We may still be able to leave through magical means.
RHU
What about distress beacons? Maybe there's one in the car?
RADEK
Come on. And take the bottle with you.
Greibel wipes the dead porridge stuff off his hand and the blackness goes away.
RADEK
(in deslau)
Thank you for your patronage, miss.
The innkeeper bows slightly and then shuffles back toward the kitchen.


EXT. Village of Hughenden - day
It's bright and sunny out, and dry. Some folks are hanging around, generally in the shade of the various buildings.
GREIBEL
Let's go, Raspy. What a nice day!
The porridge shrinks slightly in the sunlight but otherwise seems happy at the new experience, jiggling.
RHU
Mm, warm!
GREIBEL
Nice to have a sun in the sky for once. That doesn't want to eat us.
THE GRAVEDIGGER
No fish so far.
RHU
Shh, don't give the weather ideas.
Radek corners some loiterers, and old guy and an even older guy, though both look like regular normal-aged folks next to Radek.
RADEK
(in deslau)
Ho there! Loiterers!
VILLAGER
(in deslau)
Hail, grampa!
OLDER VILLAGER
(in deslau)
You speak in words, now?
RADEK
(in deslau)
For today.
OLDER VILLAGER
(in deslau)
By the grace of the saints, then? Today is a good day.
VILLAGER
(in deslau)
Don't be daft, Chuck. They's wizards. It's wizarding.
RADEK
By the grace of my skill at magic, more like. Your friend is correct.
OLDER VILLAGER
(in deslau)
Oh, daft, whatsit? Where do you think the wizards' magic comes from?
VILLAGER
(in deslau)
Sod off.
RADEK
(in deslau)
I'm sure an undeveloped culture like yours has a very quaint idea of where magic comes from, but I've no time to hear it.
What do you lot know about a Cataclysm?
OLDER VILLAGER
(in deslau)
Oh, you're a grumpy one, ain't ye? Cataclysm for a token.
VILLAGER
(in deslau)
A token? They're outsiders, you idiot.
The younger villager smacks the older one.
The older one smacks him right back.
GREIBEL
Heh, they must have the Three Stooges on this planet.
VILLAGER
(in deslau)
The idiot means a story. When you from?
RADEK
(in deslau)
The 14th span of the 843rd ending, and, I should sincerely hope, not the past.
VILLAGER
(in deslau)
Well, you got me.
OLDER VILLAGER
(in deslau)
Of course he got you. You don't even know what day it is!
VILLAGER
(in deslau)
Shut up.
RADEK
(in deslau)
It doesn't mean anything to us either, don't worry. We abandoned the concept of a singular timeline eons ago.
VILLAGER
(in deslau)
What day is it?
OLDER VILLAGER
(in deslau)
You're used to holes?
RADEK
(in deslau)
Of what sort? I travel with a brute who enjoys digging holes...
VILLAGER
(in deslau)
Holes. You know. Stuff comes out. Goes in. Gets shredded.
The older one gives him an annoyed look.
OLDER VILLAGER
(in deslau)
Oy, you don't know that! There just happens to be a hole, and folks from the wrong times appear sometimes, but it's just as easily a coincidence.
(eyeing the Gravedigger)
Does he dig through time? Because this hole, what, it goes through TIIIIIME.
VILLAGER
(in deslau)
No it doesn't. You don't know that. Stop making up stories.
The younger villager smacks the older villager again.
RADEK
(in deslau)
Oh, marvelous!
VILLAGER
(in deslau)
Seriously, don't listen to him. He's addled, he is.
OLDER VILLAGER
Yeah, you just say that because you're addled and feel lonely.
RADEK
(in deslau)
Then presumably, the other side may house a time more agreeable than this one.
VILLAGER
(in deslau)
Oh, no. there's no other side. Everything just gets shredded that gets near.
OLDER VILLAGER
(in deslau)
Yeah, he tried it. Dropped a big ol' boulder in there. You know what happened? It exploded is what happened!
RADEK
(in deslau)
Have you considered using it for waste disposal?
Well, no matter, I should very much like to investigate any matter of spatial or temporal anomaly for myself.
OLDER VILLAGER
(in deslau)
Why would we need a waste disposal? Too far away anyway. Three days just to dump compost? Eck.
RADEK
They appear to be talking about some hole that shreds matter in its vicinity.
AZIRAPHALE
Marvelous.
VILLAGER
(in deslau)
And it killed everything. You should see the wildlife!
OLDER VILLAGER
(in deslau)
Kids love it, of course.
VILLAGER
(in deslau)
Back when we had kids.
OLDER VILLAGER
(looking surprised; in deslau)
Do you have kids?
VILLAGER
(in deslau)
Bob had a kid. Died.
OLDER VILLAGER
(in deslau)
All died.
RADEK
(in deslau)
Machines are much less irritating.
VILLAGER
(in deslau)
Oh, they'll wreck too.
OLDER VILLAGER
(in deslau)
Even turn on you sometimes.
VILLAGER
(in deslau)
I'd rather have a kid turn on me than a hulk, that's for damn sure.
OLDER VILLAGER
(in deslau)
Back when we had hulks, you mean? They went out before the kids did.
The two villagers blather at each other for awhile.
RADEK
Hmph.


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Session 5 (Overview)
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Butterscotch ripple drips out of my pocket. I smear cream on the wall.