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= The Room at Midnight =
== Begin ==

<screenplay>
INT. MIDNIGHT

It is... dark. Black. Empty. The home of nothing at all. A voice drifts through the void, right at home, bright against the black, and fades into view.

WOMAN IN BLUE
Hello.

The word lingers, and then we look down, down, down through the black and find her seated on... not the ground, but a ground. A background, perhaps, to her foreground in a sliver of not-quite-light.

WOMAN IN BLUE
Welcome to Midnight.
</screenplay>

== The players ==

<screenplay>
INT. Master bedroom; Fern's house - day

It's a rectangular room with four walls, and all fairly well-decorated, with a susprisingly tasteful assortment of perhaps a few too many plants, mostly ferns, scattered around amongst the funiture in lieu of knicknacks.

FERN is sitting on a bed staring at the wall. The nearby window is shattered, with glass all over the floor, and the curtains are blowing a bit in the breeze.

'''''Fern''': I've been staring at a wall for three days now. I can't seem to remember much. After everything that happened, it's all... a bit confusing.

'''''Fern''': I think I remember something about goats. And the Architect. And a whole lot of universes coming together for one hectic instant to fix some unfortunate incident, but it's fuzzy, like it didn't really happen, or I wasn't really there, or maybe I just lost the part of me that really was there.

A goat wanders in, eating some paper.

FERN
Hi goatsy. I'm not here right now. Please leave a message at the beep.

Fern beeps.

'''''Fern''': I don't know. Some of the others apparently died and stuff, so I guess I got off easy, even though I'm pretty sure I really didn't hallucinate the three goats crashing in through the window right after.

The goat climbs up Fern's lap with its front legs.

'''''Fern''': All I really know right now is that there seems to be a goat in my lap for some reason.

The goat looks up at her hopefully, but Fern just sort of stares right through it.

'''''Fern''': And I can't seem to stop staring at the wall.

WALL
Hi there.

FERN
Oh, hello, wall.

WALL
You've looked better.

'''''Fern''': I also seem to be hallucinating.

The wall that's speaking just appears to be a normal wall. It doesn't even have a mouth or anything.

The fifth wall, shoved haphazardly into a corner between two of the other walls, however, is anything but normal. It's huge, bigger than anything. It doesn't line up with anything. It looks more like a window, or a hole, looking out on the cosmos. The entirety of the universe, or at least ''a'' universe, laid out before it. It's utterly black, but not.

Fern is very pointedly not looking at this one.

'''''Fern''': The problem is, I'm not sure what all is the hallucination and what isn't. For instance, the goats seem to be real.

Another goat wanders over and stops in the doorway. It makes a goat sound.

WALL
Mmm, goats. You like goats?

'''''Fern''': The wall in front of me may or may not be talking to me. But the fifth wall, that horrible hole back there that seems as though to be a window into the extended multiverse, I have no idea what is up with that.

'''''Fern''': I think it's been there all along.

There's a knocking from the front door.


EXT. Porch; Fern's house - day

Three mismatched weirdos who can at best be collectively referred to as 'people', NATHAN, DARREN, and YASA, are all at the door. Nathan is standing somewhat hunched-over-like in a trenchcoat and fedora and dark shades, looking Not Suspicious At All, and bangs on the door knocker a bit.

Yasa is in an elegant black dress, very high-heeled boots, and impeccably matched jewellery. Her black dreads are tied back in an elaborate bun. She leans down and tries to peer in through the peephole.

Darren, in jeans and a t-shirt, is slightly off to the side. He just looks bored.

Nathan knocks again, louder this time.

NATHAN
(yelling)
Fern, you useless fuck, you in there?

YASA
Oy, rude.


INT. Master bedroom; Fern's house - day

Fern hears this, but doesn't even look up.

WALL
You gonna get that?

Fern doesn't respond to this either.


EXT. Porch; Fern's house - day

NATHAN
That's sort of the point. Next up we're breaking an entering.

DARREN
What is it with you and breaking and entering and kidnapping and larceny and fraud and piracy and grand theft and good god is there anything you ''haven't'' done at this point?

NATHAN
Shut up. I'm living my life.

Yasa gives Nathan a worried look.

NATHAN
(to Yasa)
He's exaggerating, anyhow. Only times I ever kidnapped anyone it was needed.
(yelling at the door)
Fern! If you don't answer, I'm breaking in!

DARREN
'Time''s''<nowiki/>'?

No answer comes.

NATHAN
Eh, fine.

Nathan gets out a lockpicking set and picks the lock.

DARREN
If you're not a hardened criminal, then why do you know how to do that?

Nathan pushes the door open and peers inside.

NATHAN
(over his shoulder)
Asks the wannabe hacker.

DARREN
Yeah, and I'm sure you've done all the things with hookers.

Yasa ignores this exchange and heads inside.

YASA
(calling out worriedly)
Fern?

The others follow.


INT. Fern's house, inside - day

They wind up in some sort of living room, with a kitchen area over an island opposite them.

It's a bit of a mess. Potted, as well as de-potted, plants are everywhere, especially ferns. There is a goat chewing on one of them. Mail is all over the table, and dishes, including the remains of an apparently goated meal, are all over the counter. Several cats seem to have taken up residence.

DARREN
Somehow I don't think she's actually here.

NATHAN
So we check all the rooms, see if there's any signs where she ''is''.

Yasa approaches some of the cats, but they just scatter.

YASA
Wait, you don't mean... something might have happened to her?

NATHAN
No, clearly not. I mean, it's not like she's been missing for the better part of a week, or stuff.

YASA
Obviously not.

They split up to search the rooms.

Nathan goes over to check out the kitchen area.

The floor on the other side of the island is full of bees. There is a beehive in the middle, surrounded by buzzing. Nathan gives it a long, unimpressed look before slowly backing away and leaving.


INT. Bathroom; Fern's house - day

A stray cat has taken over the guest bathroom. It growls as Yasa turns the light on.

YASA
Hi, kitty.

The cat growls some more.

YASA
Seen a tiny crazy plant lady around anywhere?

The cat growls.

YASA
I'll take that as a no.


INT. Basement; Fern's house

The basement is completely empty aside from a bucket in the middle of the floor, full of what appear to be breadsticks.

Darren approaches it warily. He eyes it carefully. He picks up a breadstick and sniffs it.

Something shifts. There seem to be voices in the surrounding space. It's bigger than it was, emptier, and the lighting tilts...

DARREN
What the...

VOICES
(whisper)
Dreamer...

Darren hastily drops the breadstick and everything goes back to normal.


INT. Living room; Fern's house - day

Yasa finds the back sofa room to be full of clothing dummies. Fabric and half completed projects are draped over them, and strewn across the furniture and floor. Several of the dummies have cats on them, which all procede to stare at her.

YASA
(threading her way between them)
Death broke out in chronic cats too.

The cats don't move, simply continue to stare, watching her as she passes.

She holds her hand out to one, but it just stares at her, so she pets it a bit. It continues to stare at her.

YASA
Tense, are you?

Giving the room a walk/jump through (the floor is a bit covered in obstacles), she finds it to be entirely devoid of Fern. She does find a goat, which quickly trots away as she rounds one of the sofas.

Leaving, she nearly collides with Darren, and they both startle in a mildly cliché manner.


INT. Master bedroom; Fern's house - day

To Nathan, there are only four walls. Fern is sitting on the bed, staring at the wall adjacent.

There is a goat sitting on the floor in front of her.

As he enters, Fern doesn't look up.

Nathan plants himself over the goat.

NATHAN
Oy Fern.

She doesn't move.

NATHAN
Midget. Crazy lady. DM.

Still no response.

FERN
(in a whisper)
''Hahterite? Amear eona?

NATHAN
What?


INT. Master bedroom; Fern's house - day

It's slightly later. Darren and Yasa have crowded in as well. The three of them are all standing around Fern at this point, and she's looking up at them curiously.

'''''Fern''': These are my friends. At least, I think they are. I remember them as such. I can't quite remember what I should be doing with them.

DARREN
So...

FERN
Are you real, then?

NATHAN
Yes.

Fern stares at him curiously, and then smiles ever so slightly.

'''''Fern''': Friends. Yes. They're real.

Nathen picks up Fern and hoists her over his shoulder, turns, and wordlessly trods out. The others follow.

The fifth wall also follows.


EXT. Fancy restaurant - evening

It's busy. People are around outside waiting, and a GUY with a pedestal at the entrance is tactfully fending them off.

Yasa pushes her way through, walking deliberately and somewhat loudly as her heels clonk on the ground, Nathan and Darren are following, Nathan again carrying Fern. They're all still wearing the same clothes, though Fern now has a coat wrapped around her, and Darren a ratty jacket on.

Yasa stops in front of the guy and stares down at him.

GUY
(looking up)
Ah...

YASA
I believe we have a reservation.

GUY
And the name on...
(he stops, noticing Nathan and Darren)
Are they with you?

NATHAN
(leaning over the pedestal)
Hi.

Darren pulls a cyan and hot pink checkered tie out of his pocket and ties it around his neck. Badly.

DARREN
Better?

YASA
No.

NATHAN
Do you always carry that?

DARREN
You never know when you'll need to sell someone a previously owned coffin.

YASA
(to the guy)
Shahanna.

The guy gives her a confused look.

YASA
Sorry, the name on the reservation. It's Shahanna.

GUY
(checking his book and then responding much more assuredly)
Oh, um. Yes. The rest of your party is waiting.


INT. Fancy restaurant - evening

Nathan's sister, ALEXIS, is at a large corner table, along with another pair of siblings: PERCY and MAYA. Some appetisers are on the table. Alexis and Percy are chatting. Maya is on her phone, and nibbling at some dumplings.

Nathan plonks Fern down next to Maya and scoots in himself.

PERCY
Hey.

Maya pokes Fern with a dumpling.

MAYA
She... okay?

DARREN
Ooo, food.

Darren sits down and digs in.

ALEXIS
(looking at Darren very disappointedly)
Really?

DARREN
They didn't seem to mind.

ALEXIS
They have class and abide by all their customers.

DARREN
Whatever that is.

NATHAN
Sounds expensive.

YASA
The opposite of you two, probably.

Yasa also scoots in.

Fern tentatively reaches out to poke an appetiser.

Everyone watches her intently.

She pokes it, and withdraws the arm.

Maya skewers it on a fork and jabs it at Fern's face.

MAYA
You eat it.

Fern stares at it blankly.

MAYA
Shove it in your face. Like this.

Maya demonstrates shoving the food in her own face, then skewers another one and hands the fork to Fern.

Fern stares at the skewered food for a bit, and then starts nibbling on it.

NATHAN
So what exactly do we think is wrong with her?

ALEXIS
(shaking her head)
She can still speak, and seems to remember who you are?

NATHAN
Sort of?

YASA
It's like she's forgotten how to live. To be alive. She knows, but she's... forgotten.

ALEXIS
Stroke? But that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

DARREN
Why not? Can't aliens have strokes?

ALEXIS
I don't know. I'm a psychologist, not a doctor, and even if I were I don't think that'd really be my...
My only other guess might be some sort of PTSD, but if that's really the case, without some idea of what caused it, we'll never be able to properly address it or avoid potentially making it worse.

PERCY
So what do we do?

FERN
Play.

Everyone just stops and stares at her, aside from Darren, who mumbles something about squirrels. Nathan smacks him.

FERN
We play the game. That's why you were looking for me, right? So that's what we'll do.

NATHAN
Er, are you sure? Are you up for that? There's a lot that goes into running a game, let alone a good one...

FERN
To bring a broken soul back from the abyss, you remind it what it is to live. You immerse it in the day to day, and slowly, it relearns how to function. That's the theory, anyway. I think... I think I just need to remember. May I borrow your sofa?

ALEXIS
Of course. Whatever you need.

FERN
I think we all have a very long way to go.


</screenplay>


__TOC__

= Heap of mostly organised pieces =

<screenplay>
EXT. Park - Day

DARREN, NATHAN, and ALEXIS are crossing the green on the way to the supermarket.

DARREN
(flailing his arms)
No, no, no, no, no! You have it all wrong! I'm talking epic, here. Something truly epic, Star Wars epic, Babylon 5 epic, Lord of the Rings epic, Cthuhlu epic...

NATHAN
Otherland epic? Godot epic... Guy trapped in his cubicle epic -

ALEXIS
Epic like the Iliad? Or perhaps the Epic of Gilgamesh or Paradise Lost... perhaps Cantos?

There is an awkwardly long pause in which the other two look at Darren expectantly.

DARREN
What are those?

NATHAN
Epics.
Eh, what do they teach you in your schools here?

DARREN
(he stops)
They teach things in schools?

NATHAN
Aren't you ''in'' school?

DARREN
Shuddup.

They walk under a large tree.

NATHAN
And what's the damn point if you can't even get someone to tell you the story?

Darren gives him an annoyed look.

Suddenly Fern falls out, landing on Darren. There is a brief panic, a flailing, and then Alexis and Nathan manage to disentangle Fern and Darren.

FERN
Urk urk urk.

DARREN
(standing up)
What the hell just happened?

NATHAN
Fairy tale true love would be my guess.

ALEXIS
Are you okay?

DARREN
Seriously what the hell just happened?

FERN
(panicking)
Uh, sorry.

DARREN
You!
(turning on Fern)
You attacked me!

FERN
(backing away)
Well, yes, I mean, no! That that's not it at all. See, this is all perfectly reasonable, because we are all perfectly reasonable people, and let's say you are a perfectly reasonable person out walking your perfectly reasonable dog and you bump into your perfectly reasonable neighbour, who was out collecting his perfectly reasonable morning paper; that's just as reasonable as a perfectly reasonable stranger that gets a perfectly reasonable idea and climbs a perfectly reasonable tree because she saw a perfectly reasonable squirrel!
See?
It's all perfectly reasonable!

DARREN
Whaah...

NATHAN
Sorry?

FERN
(cocking her head)
I... er... um...

She turns and runs away.

DARREN
That just happened! What the hell was that?

NATHAN
Hmmm...
</screenplay>

== Kidnapping ==

<screenplay>
EXT. Apartment complex - Night

It is dark. Two figures, NATHAN and DARREN, are leaving an apartment complex, carrying something large and bulky - a parcel.

DARREN
Well, that went about as badly as expected.

NATHAN
Eh, it could have gone a whole lot worse.

DARREN
True. Someone could have seen.

They load the parcel into Darren's car.

DARREN
Or smelled... or heard...

NATHAN
Smelled, eh... they still could. Except that they're probably used to the smell by now... If anyone ''noticed'', though... That would have gotten real interesting in a not good, not good at all sort of way, real quickly.

DARREN
Worst they could do is arrest... uh. Wouldn't that be bad?
(he climbs in with the bundle and belts it down)
Well, at any rate, what do you suppose we should do with her?

The parcel is revealed to be a duct-taped YASAKA NIHARI.


INT. Dark hallway - night

It is 20 minutes earlier. Daren and Nathan are standing outside a door; Nathan is holding a small paper bag.

DARREN
You sure this is the right apartment?

NATHAN
Well...

DARREN
Is it the one she said?

NATHAN
Sure, it's the one she said, but right about now I'm having a few doubts as to whether or not it is the right one, if you get my drift...

DARREN
You think she lied about her apartment?

NATHAN
Well, put it this way. Were you addicted to a game and had a friend coming to your area who had already, ah, expressed a distaste for said addiction, would *you* necessarily tell him where you lived?

DARREN
(he considers for a moment before answering)
Maybe.
Let me handle this.

Darren knocks. Nothing happens, so he knocks again, louder.

DARREN
Yaska Nehhari, we know you're in there. Open up!

A muffled clunk emits from inside.

DARREN
Ms. Nehhari, we're with the -

NATHAN
(cutting him off)
Yasa, it's Nathan. We brought food.

The door immediately slams open and a highly dishevelled head pokes out.

YASA
Really?!
(she sees Nathan and then hugs him)
Kawaii! You're even cuter than the picture!

NATHAN
(pushing Yasa away)
Now, now, love. Don't be so forward - technically we just met.

YASA
(she takes the bag from Nathan)
Oh, very funny.

She starts poking around in the bag and then retreats back into the dark room.

YASA
What'd you bring, here...

The others follow her in. Darren fumbles for a light switch for a bit, then manages to turn on the light, revealing a horrible mess.

DARREN
I think it's time for plan B...

YASA
(looks up, eating a cupcake)
Hmm?

NATHAN
We had a plan A?
Oh. Yasa, the WoW marathon is over.

Yasa she drops cupcake melodramatically, throwing out an arm for some reason.

YASA
What?!

DARREN
Sorry to do this, but...

Darren pulls a roll duct tape out of his vest, and an epic scene ensues in which Nathan and Darren attempt to overpower Yasa. There is much grabbing and flailing, after which Nathan manages to pin down Yasa, whilst Darren has at her with the roll of duct tape. Somehow, staple removers, nail guns, dead plants, a lamp, frying pans, crowbars, wax lips, and a small ferret also come into it. After much struggling, Yasa resembles a large parcel - the parcel seen previously.

Then the door slams and all is quiet once more. Some stuff flutters down, including a doctor's appointment note...

Yasa's cat pokes out of a corner and starts eating the abandoned cupcakes.


INT. FERN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Nathan and Darren hand Yasa over to Fern with a brief explanation as to why. They put her on the sofa and leave.

FERN
(unbinding Yasa)
Ah, little one... they meant no harm. But you are an interesting one... a lady of butterflies?

YASA
(she sits up groggily)
Nnnnnggg?
(looking around)
I... uh... yeah?

FERN
You have not flown for awhile, little birdwing. What happened?

YASA
Flown? What?

FERN
No matter, no matter.
(she stands)
Come, let's get you cleaned up.

YASA
(jumping back)
What?!

Fern backs into a shadow, allowing her eyes to glow in the dim lighting.

FERN
Cleeeaaaned.


LATER

Noises are coming from the bathroom.

YASA
Agh! It burns! It burrrns!

: *fizzzzle*
: *scrub scrub*

FERN
Oh, hold still. It's like you never saw a bar of soap...

YASA
Nooooo! Let me go! Let me gooo!

: *splash*
: *scritttch*
: *explode*

FERN
You know, if you'd been eating properly the past few weeks, you'd probably be strong enough to just go...
But no. Instead you shall be cleaned

: *clean*

YASA
Mercy!
Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow! OOWWW!

: *ploop*
: *streeeetch*

FERN
It's just a hairbrush!

: *yank*

YASA
Aaaagh!

: *greeeek*
: *creeeEEEEEEEk*
: *screeEEEEAAAAAAAAAK*

FERN
Oh, calm down.

YASA
You devil of a creature...

: *scrub*

FERN
You talking to me or the toothbrush?

YASA
(sobbing)

: *smash*
: *dash*

FERN
I hope you don't mind dreadlocks...

YASA
(weakly)
What?

: *scraaaatch*
: *bash*

: *clonk*


INT. SHAHANNA HOUSE - NIGHT

Nathan and Darren tell Alexis about Yasa. And kidnapping her. And dumping her on the suspicious plant lady.

ALEXIS
Is that even legal?

DARREN
Who's going to press charges?

ALEXIS
That's not the point. You did, technically, abduct her. Won't someone notice?

NATHAN
How are interventions normally handled?

ALEXIS
(she winces)
By family, I think.

NATHAN
She has no family. We're her family.

DARREN
We are?

NATHAN
Remember Hunting Light?

Alexis looks at him quizzically.

NATHAN
In World of Warcraft. Our guild? 'Hunting Light'. The one that... fell apart a few months ago?

DARREN
(entirely too slowly/suddenly)
Oooooh, right! That one. Oops.

NATHAN
(rolling his eyes)
Uh-huh.
</screenplay>

== Story setup ==

<screenplay>
INT. Shahanna living room - Night

The party is gathered around Fern's chair, a large armchair pulled up to the coffee table.

FERN
Right, got the information for making the characters around here somewhere...

she rifles through her bag, then shoves her arms, head and shoulders into it in a desperate, all-out reach, then emerges victorious.

PERCY
So, basically, we are... being these people? Things?

ALEXIS
Basically. That, or you could say we are their authors. We say what they do, they do it. It's like writing a story, except each person controls one, and the 'dungeon master' controls the setting and everything else.

PERCY
...in dungeons?

ALEXIS
It's a figure of speech...

PERCY
...a 'master' who has never done this before.

ALEXIS
Hey, means we are in good company.

Maya enters with a bowl of dumplings and places it on the table.

MAYA
Courtesy of the freezer and a well oiled frying pan!

She eats some dumplings.

FERN
Erm, here. Stuff. Basic class descriptions, setting information I wrote at two in the morning, races, gods, more stuff you may or may not find useful...

She passes them around.

DARREN
(not looking at them)
Meh... details.

ALEXIS
(reading)
So if I just want to... um... ninjas...? Next they'll have pirates in motorboats off Sumatra...

NATHAN
Yeah, Lissal makes no sense.

FERN
You should be glad as many of the gods make sense as they do. Really, the things I could have put on there...

YASA
(holding a sheet upsidedown)
Meh, sense.
(she turns the sheet rightsideup)
Who needs it? I could wonder why you made your own set of gods in the first...
Ooo, angry hornets!

MAYA
(starts)
Hornets?!

Percy and Alexis exchange amused looks.


INT. Shahanna living room - Day

The group is gathered around the coffee table, D&D books and character sheets scattered around. There's a bowl of dumplings on top of them.

FERN
(gesturing broadly)
Sarathi.
(she pauses for effect)
Blah blah blah rich planet blah blah floating cities blah. Blah lost contact blah no signals blah blah blah anyone who ventures there never heard from again, blah. Blah blah. Satellite imaging blah oddities blah blah.
(she leans forward)
Blah, Sarathi blah blah blah. Treasure blah blah blah blah blah.
(she grins, making a sweeping motion toward the others with her arm)
Blah blah blah so now you all are going to Sarathi blah for some reason, blah blah.
(another pause for effect, then with emphasis)
Blah!

Nathan facepalms.

FERN
(looking confused)
What?

PERCY
Is that...

Percy looks toward Alexis, confused.

ALEXIS
(she half-shrugs, shaking her head)
No idea.

DARREN
Wow.

NATHAN
Fern... I mean this in the best possible way, but you're a horrible DM.

MAYA
Really? I quite liked it.

NATHAN
You did?

MAYA
Certainly! It may seem trite to you, but I'll have you know that we have just been witness to nothing less than a distinctly satiric commentary on the state of modern entertainment, tying together principles of minimalism and suggestion to put more than merest description before us, but indeed concept, a concept from which we may create our very own worlds that are ever so much more dynamic than the flatness that would be one shared reality.

Percy stares at Maya, mouth agape. Around the room glances are exchanged and eyebrows raised, whilst Maya looks decidedly proud of herself and then promptly gets sidetracked by a dumpling.

FERN
I'll go with that.

NATHAN
You didn't actually prepare anything, did you?

FERN
(looking embarassed)
Well... there was this meeting that came up all of a sudden, and others things kept coming up, and I had to deal with all the goats, and then I was going to write some intro, but I still had to put in the new window and all of a sudden it was time to come here and...

DARREN
That sounds disturbingly familiar.

Fern nods, looking frazzled.

ALEXIS
I'm sorry, but how did you even get in the house? I didn't see you come up...

FERN
Er...

NATHAN
You came in the window, didn't you?

FERN
Er.

NATHAN
She came in the window.

DARREN
Great.


INT Kitchen - day

Yasa and Maya are poking at the saucer under a potted plant.

ALEXIS
Oh, for the last time. That's wet soil, not dead ants.

MAYA
You... you sure?
</screenplay>

== Miscellaneous fragments and things ==

<screenplay>
INT. Shahanna hallway - day

Fern is walking down muttering to herself.

FERN
I must tell them...
No, I cannot...
But I must tell someone...
But them?
Someone...
Why? Why tell anyone?
I must!
No, I cannot tell them...

NATHAN
Eh, tell whom what?

FERN
(startled)
Erm, Nathan... do you make a habit of loitering outside of bathrooms?

NATHAN
Only when someone hogs them for the past HALF HOUR.

MAYA
(inside)
Agh! Go away!

FERN
Oh. I should probably come back later, then?

NATHAN
You know, there are two other bathrooms.

FERN
Then why are you loitering outside this one?

NATHAN
It... I left... I mean... He turns red.

FERN
Aaaah, machinations of the male psyche. Intriguing.

NATHAN
Bloody hell, woman, no!

Yasa walks up behind him.

YASA
Nay-nay-chan... I'd have thought you would know better. Really, trying to peek on a girl as she -

NATHAN
Agh, shut it!

YASA
Seriously. You take me for an unserious, a flutterby of butterflies, a... um... unserious thing?

NATHAN
Er... sorry?

YASA
Yeah, I totally forgot what I was going to say there.

----

NATHAN
And what about all you yankees here?

MAYA
If we're yankees, then that would imply that you must be a yanker. Which would indicates that you're yanking our chains, so somehow you've got us in chains, which means it's high time that we, the proletariat, rise up in a glorious revolution and overthrow our yanker oppressors.

NATHAN
Er... nevermind.

He backs away and then turns to Percy.

NATHAN
Remind me never to use slang again around your sister, much less ''ironic'' slang.

Percy winces.

----

INT. Somewhere

YASA
It's like bathrooms. Erm, public bathrooms - restrooms... with the stalls.
(she gestures to indicate the spacing)
People walk in and use the one on the end because they think it won't be as well used. Except enough people figure that that one won't be used and use it that it actually ends up the most used, you know?
(gesturing in the opposite direction)
So flip it around. Figure that people will figure it won't be used and use it, and so choose the one in the middle, instead. Except what if enough people figure that, then maybe using the ones on the end wouldn't be such a bad idea afterwards... but what if they figure that -

ALEXIS
(cutting her off)
Yasa, people don't generally think that much.

YASA
(after a pause)
What, am I not a person?

DARREN
Clearly not.

----

INT. Somewhere - probably.

FERN
Dildos?

YASA
Pfft, dildos... if you want to just stick something in you, it's not so incredibly difficult to pick up some guy in a bar and stick him in you, you know. Just make sure he understands condoms and even the texture is about the same. Cheaper too, really.
But that's the thing, right? If you're just you, why would you stick some little thing inside yourself? Sure, that's what sex involves, but if you just want pleasure there's no need for any of that squelchy stuff. Skip that, right? Straight to the orgasm.

Nathan starts to enter, then just stops in the doorway and stares. The two women haven't noticed him yet.

FERN
(looking slightly amused)
Would it creep you out if I said I knew exactly where you're going with this, how you came to this conclusion, and that I utterly agree despite not being entirely sure what a 'vacuum cleaner' is?

YASA
What...
(she stares at Fern)
I... Yes, it most certainly would.

NATHAN
(he blinks)
Vacuum cleaner?

They don't hear him.

FERN
Then I did not say that.

YASA
Actually, that's...

FERN
(brightly)
Please continue.

YASA
You know what? Just...
(she takes a step backwards)
How could you possibly know that?

FERN
I know too much.

YASA
How much?

FERN
A few things. A lot of things. Most things, really. Not quite everything, though, and a lot of it hasn't happened yet, and some of it isn't real, and almost none of it is any use at all, really...

She trails off, her mind clearly elsewhere.

NATHAN
What did I just...
(he stops, the strangest expression on his face)

YASA
(turning red)
Whoopsie.

FERN
(she turns toward Nathan)
Nathan, do you have a vacuum cleaner?

NATHAN
That's just... I was just... I mean...
(He sputters)
I... I was just leaving.
(he gestures back toward the door)
Outward. Yes.

Nathan hastily turns around and leaves.
</screenplay>

== Sarathi ==

=== Transition ===

<screenplay>
INT. SECURITY OFFICE - DAY

The room is full of screens, doughnuts, and a passed out party. None of the screens are operational - all are either dark or contain only fractal static - and the party looks as though someone upended a box of doughnuts over them. Two more unlabelled boxes are stacked on a desk.

Alexis wakes up first, and immediately notices things are off. Her body is not her own, this place is not one she knows, and like a dream, nothing fits, and yet everything sort of feels like it's normal. She gets up and catches a doughnut before it can fall off her leg. The others, too, she does not recognise, and looks them over with concern - but as they appear to be both alive and no immediate threat, she goes to check the door first.

What she sees appears to alarm her, as she shuts it almost immediately, and goes to wake Nathan (Kisai), her shoulder.

ALEXIS (DIANE)
Hey. Wake up.

NATHAN (KISAI)
Nnn what?

ALEXIS (DIANE)
Hey.

Alexis shakes him again and he starts to sit up.

NATHAN (KISAI)
All right, all right.
Where am I?

ALEXIS (DIANE)
Don't know. I just woke up myself. Do you know anyone here?

NATHAN (KISAI)
Not particularly.
(he looks down at himself)
Hold on, am I a woman? I'm a woman. Why am I a woman?

ALEXIS (DIANE)
(she smiles in spite of herself)
I don't know, why?

NATHAN (KISAI)
What... oh, no, no, no...

At the same time, Darren (Throllog) wakes up with a groan and smacks himself in the face. Nathan goes over to him cautiously as the half-giant starts to get up.

NATHAN (KISAI)
Hi. Is your name Darren, by any chance?

DARREN (THROLLOG)
Yeah? Whatsit to...

Darren stops and looks down at Nathan, then examines his hands.

ALEXIS (DIANE)
I don't...
Wait, Nathan? Darren.

NATHAN (KISAI)
Right. We're our characters.

Maya runs past gathering up doughnuts off the floor and others, waking the remaining members of the party.

MAYA (JOCTHEES)
Eeeeeeee donuts!

YASA (VANESSA)
(she groans and starts to get up)
Where... how much did I drink?
(she lies down again)
No, nevermind. Don't wanna know.

DARREN (THROLLOG)
You're a what huh?

PERCY (JOHN)
Er, I'm sorry, but what is all of this?

NATHAN (KISAI)
It's me, Nathan. I'm... well...
That's Alexis, and I think you recognise your sister.

MAYA (JOCTHEES)
Donut?

PERCY (JOHN)
I... Maya?!

MAYA (JOCTHEES)
Yes! Wait, what?
No. I didn't do it.

PERCY (JOHN)
How is this possible?

NATHAN (KISAI)
No idea.

YASA (VANESSA)
This doesn't feel at all like acid.

NATHAN (KISAI)
Eh?

YASA (VANESSA)
Just saying. It seems like it might actually be happening. Is it?

MAYA (JOCTHEES)
Yes!
(she suddenly looks confused)
I hope?

Maya tries to eat out of her amful of doughnuts, ducking her head down and biting at them. It is only partially successful.

DARREN (THROLLOG)
(Staring at Maya somewhat disappointedly)
Uh-huh. Real.

Alexis shrugs and picks up her weapon.

ALEXIS (DIANE)
Real or not, we should probably get moving. I don't know what this place is, but... well, I don't like it.

Maya starts bouncing around offering everyone doughnuts.

DARREN (THROLLOG)
(Ignoring Maya)
We've fallen into a story and you... 'don't like it'?
And I'm a giant!

NATHAN (KISAI)
Half-giant, technically.

ALEXIS (DIANE)
It's more than that. This place, it's too empty. Too quiet. Something's happened here.
(She gestures around the room)
This looks like a security office, but where are the guards? What's with the screens? If this is Sarathi, we need to get out of here, now.

Maya interrupts her by forcefully offering a doughnut, which Alexis takes and examines.

ALEXIS (DIANE)
And the doughnuts?

NATHAN (THROLLOG)
It's Sarathi.

ALEXIS (DIANE)
Yeah. And we ''need to get out of here.''

Everyone basically agrees and there is much nodding and agreeing and stuff. Nobody actually does anything.

Alexis sighs and bonks the door back open, pointing her rod-gun down the hall in a surprisingly practised motion, then heads out taking point.

The others follow in a disorderly gaggle of followingness, Maya grabbing a whole box of doughnuts on the way out and continuing to try to give them to everyone else.




DARREN
So... has anyone touched any strange black stones recently?

NATHAN
That's a television series.

DARREN
And we're in another galaxy in our D&D characters' bodies.

Nathan looks at him skeptically.

YASA
You know, he's got a point.



INT. Sarathi camp - night

Most of the party is trying to sleep. Nathan is glumly sitting an insomniac watch. Yasa gets up and wanders off, and Maya does the same, but in a different direction.

Maya pokes around, looks in various rooms, exploring. She finds one full of fanged hams.

MAYA
Yay! Magic food!

MAYA
(half singing)
Oooh, magical food. Wonder what it tastes like... perhaps it can turn me into a mutant! A... vegetarian mutant, because it would be cannibalism to eat ham.
And there's no meat out there besides ham, of course.
Or does magical ham eat ham? Perhaps they eat regular ham? But wouldn't that still be cannibalism?

She smiles to herself.

MAYA
Well, now I'm curious! But how to find out...?
And I still wonder what it tastes like.

The hams start sqlorsh/sqrawing toward her.

MAYA
Oh... well. Let's see, now.

She picks up two nearby ones.

MAYA
Excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Magical Ham, I just need you for a little experiment. That's fine by you, right?

She grins, nods what might be the head of one of them, and answers for it in a play-voice.

MAYA
'Of course, dear, go right ahead.'

Maya tries to feed the hams to each other. One of them tries to bite her and succeeds in smacking her in the face. She flails and drops the hams.

MAYA
Oweee!

Maya stares pointedly at the one, then at the other. The entire horde starts coming toward her again, so Maya grabs a piece of smashed door and swings at them; a few go flying but seem unharmed.

MAYA
Eee?

As Maya turns and runs away screaming, the hams give chase.


INT. Sarathi temple - night

Yasa enters a large hall that may be a temple, full of cat images.

YASA
Someone really likes cats... wait, a muffin? Midriin? Then this would be Araktil, Lissal... Kiria...
(she smiles)
Ah, hello, Shakhi...

LOKSHMI appears behind her.

LOKSHMI
What, no hello for me?

YASA
(turning)
Er... hi?
Where are you?

LOKSHMI
(pointing toward the end of the hall)
Down there.

YASA
Lokshmi, three-tailed, keeper of secrets, the glimmer of death, a destroyer at heart... you are the goddess of the night, of fury, frozen fire, memory, past, revenge...

LOKSHMI
You surprise me, lady butterfly. Are you generally so versed in the gods of far off worlds?

YASA
Nope! But Fern seemed to like you.

LOKSHMI
Fern... she isn't with you.

YASA
No... you wouldn't happen to know what's going on, would you?

LOKSHMI
Ah, now you are definitely being more astute than your character.


INT. Sarathi camp - night

Maya runs, screaming, into camp chased by a horde of fanged hams and then tries to lead them through the fire.

PERCY
Oh, this again...

ALEXIS
Again? Does your sister make a habit of being chased by hams, then?

Maya makes another pass through the fire.

PERCY
Well... not exactly, but Maya's always had a weak spot for ham?

Lokshmi and Yasa enter.

LOKSHMI
Enough!
Down, hams!

The hams obey and stop.

LOKSHMI
Well, well. You and yours really are full of surprises, Lady Birdwing.

Darren startles awake and looks blearily at the hams and then goes back to sleep.

YASA
Yeah, but I believe the proper word is 'issues'. We have issues.

Maya carefully picks up a ham with a pair of chopsticks, then casually pokes another ham with it.
She grins, roasts them both, and starts eating one.

MAYA
Isn't it nice being eaten, Mrs. Magical Ham?
(singsong, waggling its 'head')
'Oh yes, dear, we do love providing little girls with proper protein.'
You taste deliciously, too!
'Oh, that's sweet of you, dear.'

LOKSHMI
I see.

<stuff>

LOKSHMI
(to Alexis)
You choose interesting company. Willingly travelling with the damned?

ALEXIS
Those two? Please. The only reason they ended up 'evil' was becasue 'lazy moron' wasn't an allignment option.

YASA
(imitating Darren)
'Throllog smash stuff good! Throllog beat you! Graaaw!'
(she eyes Alexis suspiciously)
Wait, are you calling me a lazy moron?

Nathan and Percy exchange looks.

ALEXIS
(smiling)
Someone had to keep them out of trouble.

LOKSHMI
(she nods)
Know this.
<br>
Your characters hail from Hakeris Veroun, but this is Arikdirin Vak. You will find little respite here should you try to pursue their pasts.

ALEXIS
And these are...

NATHAN
Universes?

LOKSHMI
Yes.
<br>
I can tell you this, for what little good it may do you: here, it is Ajirad and Irundha of Arikdirin Vak who reign king of the sandcastle. Be wary of them, for they do not abide by the same standards of mercy as your own Karamah of Lijria Savai.

MAYA
King.

ALEXIS
That's quite a bit to parse.

LOKSHMI
They are universes, and the ones who guard them at their hearts we call Kings.
Madmen named and charged with the protection of all that is, of all that we have and are. We may venerate these kings, we may curse them, we may ignore them outright, but they are always there.

MAYA
(playing with a ham)
Except when they're not.

LOKSHMI
We are barred from those worlds.

MAYA
(ventriloquising the ham)
We are barred from those worlds.

LOKSHMI
Cute.

MAYA
(brightening)
Aren't they?

<words>

LOKSHMI
You've come out into a relatively stable fragment. When it merges with the rest of reality, things will become very crazy.

NATHAN
'Become' crazy?

LOKSHMI
Do not test this reality, or it will only drive you mad.
Treat it as a dream, stick together, and get out. The narrative will guide you. Do not fight it.

ALEXIS
How are we supposed to do that, get out? Or... out of what, our characters?

LOKSHMI
Out of the world. Off Sarathi, past the broken space. One cataclysm at a time, Guardian.

NATHAN
Not to be a downer or anything, but is that even possible? We haven't exactly come across a whole lot of functional tech.

DARREN
How far out is out? If we just get something to achieve escape velocity, we can totally kill ourselves in space.

LOKSHMI
That would be sufficient. Get off the planet, and get a signal out, and that will be enough for a rescue. When that happens, however, do not tell them who you are.

PERCY
Why would anyone care?

YASA
Who are we?

MAYA
I'm Anybody.

NATHAN
We're Wayfarers, aren't we?

Lokshmi smiles unsettlingly, but the effect is somewhat ruined by Darren belching at the same time. She ignores him.

LOKSHMI
Yes... and you will find that this is not a world that takes kindly to trespassers.
What do you know of your own Realm?

NATHAN
Not much.
Fern said ours was a protected planet, only one god.

YASA
What, that blahman thing is real?

DARREN
That'd explain a thing or two.

MAYA
Really? What?

DARREN
A thing or two.

MAYA
But what?

DARREN
A thing or two.

Maya gives him an annoyed look of icy death.

LOKSHMI
Do you know nothing of what lies beyond that... one?

NATHAN
Names. Some even in common. Teleoth, for instance. Oberoth, Cariya and Zhaloric, something about a Hazz...

DARREN
Has?

YASA
Hazz'ridan. We needed someone to curse. A god of dead ends.

NATHAN
He was already there.



INT. Somewhere on Sarathi

They run into a CORALINE.

CORALINE
Agh! Oh, gods, you scared me.

ALEXIS
Could say the same of you. You alright?

CORALINE
Yeah... er, wait, are you real? You need to get out of here!

NATHAN
Ya think?

CORALINE
Sorry.

PERCY
Wait, wait. Are ''we'' real?

MAYA
Everyone's real here. Even people who aren't, and things that are. We're passing through a quintessential paradox, and the dream is walking at a stately gait of 2.7 miles per hour.
(to Coraline)
How did you get here?

CORALINE
Book. Well, I mean... dreaming, basically.

DARREN
(staring at Maya)
What.

ALEXIS
Who are you?

CORALINE
Name's Adora.

NATHAN
Not Adora Belle?

CORALINE
That's a horrible pun and you should be ashamed of yourself.

NATHAN
Oh, I am. Constantly.

PERCY
Adora, do you know what's happening here?

CORALINE
To Sarathi, you mean?
(When they give no response, she continues)
Not really, no. Just the histories. It was a major disaster, taking the whole planet out of the world, spanning universes, but as far as what really happened, or what caused it... it's one of the great mysteries.

ALEXIS
You say that like this has all already happened.

CORALINE
But hasn't it? Hasn't everything? It's just a matter of how you approach it.
For me, this is all history. Doesn't mean I can't come back and poke it.

DARREN
(miming poking something with a stick)
Poke.

NATHAN
(mock panicked)
Oh god, oh god, no! What have you done?! It's horrible! AAAAAGH!

Nathan covers his head.

DARREN
(catching on)
What? Oh no! Noooo!

Darren flails a bit, but stops when Alexis smacks him with her rod.

PERCY
Hold on. Quick question.

CORALINE
Yeah?

PERCY
Why are we speaking English?

Glances are exchanged, some significant.

Darren
What?

ALEXIS
Are we sure we are?

PERCY
Nathan made a pun. The pun wouldn't have worked if we weren't.

CORALINE
Puns can be translated. But English, you say?

NATHAN
Yeah?

CORALINE
Earth?

PERCY
Yes. This isn't...

CORALINE
Oh, no. Lovely planet, though. Very interesting.

PERCY
Right, this is Sarathi. We're...

ALEXIS
Careful.



INT. SARATHI OFFICE BUILDING - DAY

Stuff. A guy who looks suspiciously like the twilight zone guy appears.

TWILIGHT ZONE GUY
Imagine, if you will, a world so devastated that the very laws of time and space no longer apply, where a single wrong turn can twist around and bring you back to a point which never happened. Its name, Sarathi. Its denizens, lost. But among these shadowed halls linger a few remaining souls who have not yet realised their ends. In just a moment, four trespassers will face their truest nightmare, a mystery of mirrored faces and mirrored words that will only unravel in the Twilight Zone.

The Twilight Zone Guy disappears in curls of smoke.

PERCY (JOHN)
Oh my god we've entered the Twilight Zone.

NATHAN (KISAI)
Yes, I do believe we've rather firmly established that.

MAYA (JOCTHEES)
Was there supposed to be a punchline in there somewhere?

YASA (VANESSA)
I've seen this one.

NATHAN (KISAI)
It hits Paris?

YASA (VANESSA)
(ignoring him)
It's about a pair of newlyweds on their honeymoon. They take a wrong turn and wind up in a horrible nightmare office building. Well, that was what it looked like, anyway. Never was quite specified.

ALEXIS (DIANE)
Is this an office building, then?

DARREN (THROLLOG)
Does it matter?

ALEXIS (DIANE)
No, not really. Just interesting.

PERCY (JOHN)
How does it end? The episode.

YASA (VANESSA)
They run into other versions of themselves and fight it out, each side convinced the other is impostors. Then right before the survivors get out they find that the others really were real and they killed them. The real ones. They killed themselves thinking they were them.

The others look a bit skeptical.

YASA (VANESSA)
It's Twilight Zone. What did you expect?

DARREN (THROLLOG)
Something totally useful.

ALEXIS (DIANE)
Hold on - how do they get out?

They hear voices...

YASA (VANESSA)
(quietly)
They don't.


INT. Some other building - day

DARREN (THROLLOG)
Okay, so... now what?

NATHAN (KISAI)
Everything's dead. Suppose it stops being dead.

PERCY (JOHN)
What?

MAYA
Zombies! Zombies! Zombies!

YASA
Zombies!

PERCY
(crossly)
Maya!
(to Yasa)
Must you encourage her?

ALEXIS
We should get outside.

MAYA
(ignoring Percy)
Is that where the zombies will be?

NATHAN
What are you thinking?

ALEXIS
Like in an earthquake. Get under the open air. Less to fall on you.

Darren looks up for anything that seems to be loose, sees a somewhat precarious-looking light fixture, and hastily starts moving for the door. The others follow.

YASA
Aire libre.

MAYA
It'll have tusks. I just know it.

Cut to something with tusks.
</screenplay>

=== Off Sarathi ===

<screenplay>
INT. Cell - night

Yasa, Maya, and Nathan are sitting in a cell. A GUARD is standing guard outside.

YASA
I'm bored.

MAYA
I'm bored.

YASA
Bored.

MAYA
Very bored.

Nathan glowers at them from the other bed.

YASA
Incredibly bored.

Yasa picks up a pebble.

MAYA
Astoundingly bored.

Maya also picks up a pebble, and bounces it off the guard's head.

This is boring.

The Guard stops, turns, and thumps on the bars for emphasis.

GUARD
Will you shut up?!

The guard then moves further away, out of range.

MAYA
Still boring.

YASA
Boring.

MAYA
Boring.

NATHAN
The bloody hell'd you do that for?

MAYA
Was boring.

YASA
You have a better idea?

Maya picks up another pebble and looks at it, considering.

NATHAN
Really, though.
What are we going to do about this?

YASA
No idea.

MAYA
We break out, of course!

YASA
Yeah?

MAYA
This is a game, right? Everything we need should be right here. What's in your pockets?

NATHAN
I don't think it...
(he stops, looking around)
Nevermind our pockets. What's in the beds?


INT. Some temple thing?

As a paladin, Alexis swears herself to Lokshmi.

LOKSHMI
Well, aren't you a clever one.
</screenplay>

=== Face off ===

<screenplay>
INT. MIDNIGHT

Fern and Irundha float in the void. It looks really cheesey.

FERN
Alright, you have my attention. What is it that you want?

IRUNDHA
The same thing as you want.

FERN
A bucket-full of muffins?

IRUNDHA
To exist.

FERN
Oh, well. That's boring.

IRUNDHA
Do you not value existence?

FERN
Of course. But that does not devalue the alternative. The lack, the absense, the death that gives life meaning...

IRUNDHA
As is my domain... tell me. Where does the valued go with this?

FERN
Around?
Just live a little, Irundha. We're all so terrible at it, but when we do, it's grand.
The two dark sisters stare each other down.

FERN
Well, this is awkward.

IRUNDHA
(shaking her head)
Existence was like a walking purgatory for you...

Neither dead nor alive, never feeling a thing...

Just existing.

Existing.

FERN
Things change.

IRUNDHA
Do they?

FERN
Things are how they are. They will always will be how... however they are. At the time.
There is no better or worse, but there is change.

IRUNDHA
Then how can you possibly condone change? Or action? Or do anything at all?

FERN
Without words, of course. Is is, but that don't make it right, and just because there ain't not such thing as right don't mean you can't want right when it ain't there. Any goat could tell you that.

Irundha says nothing.

FERN
Not buying it are you?
Okay, fine, I admit: I have no idea what I'm talking about. What does it matter?
</screenplay>

== Horse thing (Fern edition) ==

<screenplay>
INT. Fern's house; a cluttered room - Day

Fern is sprawled on a sofa with three cats sitting on her. A laptop is open on the end table, on which the following conversation is shown:

:(10:32:22) Alebran D'tariel: Poke
:(10:32:23) Nobody: Auto-reply: wut
:(11:04:18) Alebran D'tariel: Poke
:(11:04:18) Nobody: Auto-reply: wut
:(11:18:46) Alebran D'tariel: Poke
:(11:18:46) Nobody: Auto-reply: wut
:(12:20:01) Alebran D'tariel: Poke
:(12:20:02) Nobody: Auto-reply: wut
:(12:52:50) Alebran D'tariel: Poke
:(12:52:51) Nobody: Auto-reply: wut
:(13:18:56) Alebran D'tariel: Poke
:(13:18:56) Nobody: Auto-reply: wut

Fern sits up partially, dislodging two cats, and, upon seeing the screen, pulls it toward her and types:

:(13:19:16) Nobody: WHAT!

The response appears:

:(13:19:32) Alebran D'tariel: PUT ON YOUR TARGED HEADSET, WOMAN!

With a groan, she sits up entirely and unmutes the headset already on her head.

FERN
(yelling as loudly as she can into the mic with another cat still sitting on her)
What?!

ALEBRAN
(Over the headset)
You suck.

FERN
(She pauses, rubbing her eye.)
Huh?
You spent the past three hours poking me to tell me that, of all things?

ALEBRAN
You really suck?

FERN
Are you... entirely aware what 'suck' means?

ALEBRAN
Legs?

FERN
What?

ALEBRAN
(He mumbles incoherently)
Sorry, uh, translator may have miscallibrated again.
What I meant to say was that you're very wonderful and benevolent and glorious and adjective and are you busy tonight?

FERN
Er...
Alebran, darling, I know you're dense, but it's been over a year. Couldn't you at least say 'hi' before propositioning me?
(she pushes a cat away)
It's only being proper.

ALEBRAN
Hi.

A silence ensues, during which the cats return to Fern's couch, lap, and shoulder, making themselves comfortable.

FERN
(She pinches her nose)
Hello. How are you?

ALEBRAN
I'm not dead.

FERN
Yes...

Another silence passes, this time punctuated by the shoulder cat falling off, catching a claw in Fern's shoulder on the way down.

Fern yelps.

ALEBRAN
What?

FERN
Cat, sorry. Gods, Alebran, you utterly suck at this.

ALEBRAN
What?

FERN
Conversing. Like a normal person. Were I clever, I could make a joke right now about you not knowing what a normal person is, but it would be entirely lost upon you anyway.

ALEBRAN
No, I know what normal people are. They're like the folks whose house I've been sneaking into to use their bathroom while they're not looking.

FERN
And that's just not normal.

ALEBRAN
Hey, that's why I need you to come by, help me recover my own bathroom. Please?

FERN
Alebran, I've got goats.

ALEBRAN
Please, Sadzi? You're my only hope. Seriously, their bath salts are driving me nuts.

FERN
Uh...
(she pauses, pinching the bridge of her nose)
Y'all right, fine. But you'd better not pull anything too weird. And I really do need to feed the goats first.

ALEBRAN
You're the best not dead ex-girlfriend I never had.


EXT. Kanata, Terras street - Day

Fern and Alebran lean over a fence by one of the neighbours' houses, chatting.

ALEBRAN
It's over. It's all over... we put that behind us. No more saving the world, no more fighting for survival.
(he gestures grandly)
I am here and I am now and my most pressing concern is whether or not to get a dog.

FERN
Ah, you watched it.

ALEBRAN
Eyup. Good show.
I really am considering a dog, though.

FERN
Three heads, max, or I'll sic my cat on you.

ALEBRAN
Which one?

FERN
The scary one.

ALEBRAN
Er... why?

FERN
I... I promised your neighbours you'd tone it down.

ALEBRAN
Well, that was dumb.

FERN
(She sighs)
Yes.
</screenplay>

== Eapherod ==

<screenplay>
EXT. Some street - night

FERN
(walking, looking around twitchily)
I queried the Madness. 0 rows returned. Opening the black box for the third time, the empty heart is stolid.
This is the place to be for the end of the world show.

HOBO
(backing away)
You ain't right.

FERN
(still walking)
Ain't right. Ain't right. World for the ain't right. This is what it says, you know. This is all what it says, and the Apheori said she knew your heart, but I cannot say it for fear of shivers. Whispers in winds.
It helps, you know. Saying things. Repeating things. Old thoughts. Old memories. Throw off the dark man in the open cloud. He's young. Doesn't see. Doesn't remember. Doesn't understand. It's all mad to him.
There's solace in madness.
Solace in madness.


EXT. Field - Day
Fern is standing in the grass a few hundred feet away from the road. Nathan has parked his car nearby upon finding her.
NATHAN
(picking his way through the grass; he yells)
Fern?

FERN
(staring off into the clouds)
Tell me.
Do you believe in demons?


INT. Office in that holy place thingy

Fern and Nathan stand before the desk of the High Priest of the One.

DECLIEN
(hiding annoyance at their unexpected arrival)
Welcome, my child. What brings you to the Sahada?

FERN
I come seeking your help.

DECLIEN
Of course. If any of the God's children seek, we will -

FERN
It is no small favour I ask. She takes off her mask.

DECLIEN
(starts)
What...

FERN
I have a demon within me. It has resisted all standard attempts to remove it thus far, and it is all I can do to keep it... suppressing the thing is becoming more difficult with every expiring moment. Please. Can you help?

DECLIEN
How?

FERN
I believe it is called an exorcism?

DECLIEN
I mean how are you keeping control of so powerful a being?

FERN
Cheating.

DECLIEN
Cheating?

FERN
Long story. Suffice to say this should have been able to happen, but my curiosity got the better of me and now here I am, barking mad and with an even madder entity trying to up and be me.

Like it ever could be me.

DECLIEN
Just how long has this entity... possessed you?

FERN
Approximately three weeks, two days, eighteen hours and twenty-seven minutes.

NATHAN
Been counting?

FERN
It's helped my concentration.

DECLIEN
And now you... want an exorcism.

FERN
I want you to try.

DECLIEN
Well...
He takes a deep breath.
We will do what we can, by the grace of the God.
Why, though? Why come to us? You do not follow the God.

FERN
Follow is such an ambiguous word. I do not worship your God, or any, it is true, but that is simply the way of my people. We know what they are and what they stand for, and even, for that matter, what they sometimes dredge up. What you might call their demons.
I suspect this is one of them.

NATHAN
Just tell me you haven't dated the God and I'll be happy.

FERN
Er.

DECLIEN
Explain.

NATHAN
She's kind of...

FERN
Though I prevent the demon from acting, from affecting the outside world, it is in essence trapped within my mind. It can see through my eyes and hear through my ears and it knows my thoughts as soon as I do... and visa versa. It speaks to me, rants, rails, intimations and offerings... anything to disrupt my concentration, for that is all that holds it back...
It has mentioned names, many of them, but two stand out: Karamah, whom it reviles, and one with which it seems to call itself. You may recognise it.
Eapherod.

DECLIEN
Eph... do you realise what you are saying?

FERN
Yes.
It is why I have come to you specifically.

NATHAN
Fern, why didn't you say something?
I mean... you said it was...
That's not just a demon. If the name is right, you've got the bloody demon of demons trapped in your pretty little head!

FERN
Yes... and let me tell you, it is not happy about that.

NATHAN
Bloody pissed, I rather imagine.

FERN
If it could, it would destroy you all just to hurt me... destroy everything I hold dear.

DECLIEN
(standing)
Demons seek harm the faithful for the impact they would have on the God. That this one would so go after you is unusual.

FERN
(smiling, standing unsteadily)
You must admit, it does have a certain style.

NATHAN
Oh, bloody hell, woman, you really did date him, didn't you?

Declien stares at Nathan.

NATHAN
(wincing)
Hey, Father Declien, please. Do what you can.

DECLIEN
Right. Come to the Basilica of Akina in two hours.


EXT. Street outside and crap

They step outside and then both try to speak at the same time.

FERN
Nathan...

NATHAN
Look...

Eh... sorry. You were saying?

FERN
No, what were you going to say?

NATHAN
Just say it, love.

FERN
No, no... by all means, speak your mind.

NATHAN
Well, I suppose we could spend the next two hours arguing about who should speak first...

FERN
Mmmm... well in hand with the spirit of wasting time.

Nathan, just spit it out.

NATHAN
Oh, well... eh... bloody hell. Now I forgot what I was going to say.

FERN
Oh.

NATHAN
So, er... how's the demon?

FERN
It's deploring muffins.
I'm wholeheartedly agreeing just to throw it off.

NATHAN
Okay, you're... you're just weird. I know I've said that before, but 'sa truth.

FERN
Raight, Nathan. I think I should tell you...

She tries to lift her foot; it's stuck.

FERN
Though...

She tries again. Then tries harder.

NATHAN
...Fern?

FERN
I think my foot is stuck.

NATHAN
Eh, I can see that.

FERN
I mean... really stuck. She tries a yank, to no effect.

NATHAN
(taking off his backpack)
Hold on.

FERN
(stops struggling)
Hmm?

NATHAN
(going through his bag)
Ah, here we go.

he pulls out a large crowbar and jams the crowbar under and frees Fern's foot.

FERN
You came... prepared.

NATHAN
(stuffing the crowbar back into his bag)
I got the idea from you.
So what were you saying?


FERN
Um... well. This won't reassure you at all. This whole... experience...
Nathan, I may not survive this. I also know that theoretically, I could... remove the thing myself, but in the process irrevocable damage to... er... equilibriums of things may occur, and I cannot take the risk, not for so few, nor for any number of, er, really.
So if and when the thing finally does break free, it will do what it can to punish me for the inconvenience.
I don't intend to let it, but...

NATHAN
But what?

FERN
Kill me first. I will be able to die without any lasting damage, and in truth it is not something I have ever experienced first hand, so it should prove quite interesting...

NATHAN
(taking a step back)
I can't do that.

FERN
I'm not mortal, Nathan. I cannot truly die, not in the sense that most folks eventually do. Not anymore.
Not again.


INT. MIDNIGHT - later and crap

Fern is asleep in the black. She looks perfectly content, but then KHARAMAH appears and wakes her. (Images and scenes drift in and out of the black as they speak.)

FERN
(sitting up)
Grrrnnghph?

KHARAMAH
Hello, Amadi.

FERN
Amadi's dead.
(she looks around)
You know, our setup sucks. Having to come all this way just to talk to you. Can't even call!

KHARAMAH
Eapherod is powerful. It is unfortunate that he would escape, but not unexpected. And that he would come for you... we should have seen it.

FERN
Remind me - why were we trying to keep him bound in the first place?

KHARAMAH
(amused)
It was your idea, Amadi. Your plan.

FERN
(grumpily)
Bloody dumb one.

KHARAMAH
Have your views changed so easily at his hands? What has he done to you?

FERN
Ain't that. It's just... it's a half-measure. A half measure doesn't solve the problem. It's not sustainable; all it does is put off the inevitable, and make things worse in the process. Eapherod is getting dumber and dumber, but his anger isn't fading in the slightest. The damage he could do...

KHARAMAH
You think this damage is inevitable?

FERN
(she shrugs)
He's stronger than any of us. It took everything we had just to bind him in the first place, so I dunno why we thought it could last. And when he gets out in full, he'sa wreck the place.
Like a damn goat. Bah.
Why are we trying to take the most powerful entity in the 'verse and turn him into a moron, exactly?

There is a pause as Kharamah declines to answer.

FERN
Seriously, did nobody think this through?

KHARAMAH
Nope.

FERN
Oh. Okay, then.

KHARAMAH
What would you have us do? Release him now upon the worlds after all this time, after all this anger and pain?

FERN
Assuming killing him is off the table, why not? Beats the alternative. Sure, he'll wreck the place. It'll suck. But then it'll be over, and we'll get over it.
It's not like the place doesn't get wrecked sometimes already.

KHARAMAH
Will you get over it after he destroys everything you hold dear?

FERN
There will be new things. But we could always just guard the other things. Keep a few safe, hidden away from the devastation.

KHARAMAH
Those would be the first he goes after.

FERN
There is more than one way to guard something.

A scene materialises out of the black - Fern's goats, standing around a tree. A conspicuously large fern grows off to the side, strangely unharmed...

KHARAMAH
I don't think bluffing him will work.

FERN
It was an example. Obviously Eapherod isn't a goat.

KARAMAH
No. There is nothing we can do to recover now. It's too late.

FERN
Not nothing.

KARAMAH
No good options.

FERN
You know exactly how to end this. Cleanly.

KARAMAH
No. The cost was too high the last time. Never again.

FERN
The cost was mine, and my choice to make. Let them help us now.

Kharamah bows his head and fades away. Fern sits there in the blackness for a time, thinking it over, then lies back down to try to get back to sleep.

Rhi appears next to her before she can, looming over her head. This Rhi is the little girl they first saw - without the anger, the fear, the confusion, only curiosity lighting her features as she looks down at Fern.

After a bit of a pause, such as there even can be in this place outside of time:

FERN
Hello, Rhi.

Rhi says nothing, but smiles.

FERN
I'm trying to take a nap, you know.

RHI
Why?

FERN
Why not?

RHI
Oh. Okay.

She fades away. Fern goes back to sleep.


EXT. Basilica of Akina - day
Nathan and Fern approach the basilica near dusk. Long shadows come up to meet them, and gargoyles stare down.

NATHAN
Well, that's... uh... inviting.

FERN
(taking his arm)
C'mon, dear. Our utter doom awaits.

They enter.


INT. Basilica of Akina - day

Inside, several priests are loitering about the walls, and four stand around a circle chalked in the center. The High Priest Declien stand behind it. He gestures them forward, toward the circle.

Fern steps into it, while Nathan takes a seat nearby.
The four priests chain an unresisting Fern down and then start doing suspicious things with sand.

She lifts a manacled hand enough to bonk on an invisible barrier that has formed over the circle.

FERN
Neat!

DECLIEN
Do you know the dangers involved in undergoing such a ritual?

FERN
(she grins)
Do you know the dangers involved in not? 'Sides, I've got know when to stop exercising my demons.

DECLIEN
Um... right. Eapherod, can you hear this?

Fern bows her head.

EAPHEROD
(speaking through Fern)
I hear you, mortal. A prison upon prisons? Do you know who I am?

FERN
(silently)
You cannot act, little demon, yet you still goad them... intriguing.

NATHAN
Should we care?

EAPHEROD
Should you? Do you care that this woman you call a friend has been lying to you? Do you know who it is that you call 'friend'?

NATHAN
Should I?

EAPHEROD
Insolence.

NATHAN
(proudly)
Thank you.

DECLIEN
Enough, Eapherod. We do not fear you, nor what you can do. We are here only to remove you from this... one.

EAPHEROD
You stop calling her child... do you care to hear her real name?

Fern stiffens, then reasserts control.

NATHAN
Real name?

FERN
I have several.

NATHAN
Really, I never would have guessed.

FERN
Some are kind of... embarrassing.

NATHAN
Dogbotherer?

FERN
Oh, you already knew that one?

She relinquishes control and Eapherod is suddenly left looking confused.

Chanting rises around them.

DECLIEN
(to Fern)
You must place this -

EAPHEROD
(hissing)
You think you trinkets will work?!

DECLIEN
Er...

NATHAN
She's already got one. Though I don't really know why.
(quietly)
Probably spite.

The chanting and crap rises. There is a valiant and slightly overdramatic struggle for control, then after Fern mutters something about squirrels, Eapherod takes over. Declien moves forward and chants over Fern/Eapherod, sprinkling sparkly stuff on them.

EAPHEROD
(rising)
Fool mortals. You cannot defeat me.

Nathan gets out a crowbar.

NATHAN
You think so? You think you can take me? You? Do you even know who ''I'' am, hmm? HMM?

KHARAMAH
That won't be necessary.

Immediately the priests all kneel.

Nathan, meanwhile, bursts out laughing from the sheer ridiculousness of it all and tries to cover it up with the crowbar and then starts choking instead. The coughing goes on for awhile before Declien gets up and smacks him.

NATHAN
Sorry.

Kharamah and Eapherod stare at him expressionlessly for a moment, then turn toward each other.

KHARAMAH
(to Fern)
Hello, Amadi...

EAPHEROD
Amadi is dead.
This one shall soon die as well.

NATHAN
Hrrk.

EAPHEROD
(to Nathan)
You have something to say?

NATHAN
Grrokle.

KHARAMAH
So it is.

NATHAN
Nrrng?

KHARAMAH
We shall see.

NATHAN
Grrk.

KHARAMAH
You will leave this woman's mind, Eapherod.

EAPHEROD
It is no longer hers. She has surrendered -

Nathan finally gets up and comes over.

NATHAN
(croaking)
Yeah. Totally. Surrendered.
(he takes a deep breath)
She fell asleep, you idiot. She finally got somewhere where she deemed you couldn't do any real damage and now she's taking a much-needed nap.

EAPHEROD
The mortal thinks it knows what it cannot comprehend...

NATHAN
Yeah. That's it exactly. Of course. You win. Zombiebaron is the prizes.

KARAMAH
And did you bring your Zombiebaron?

Nathan gives Karamah a long, intrigued look.

NATHAN
(pointing)
You, I like you.
(to Eapherod)
So, out of curiosity, why haven't they just stopped you, or whatever? Put an end to this?

KARAMAH
(warningly)
Nathan...

NATHAN
What? I wanna hear what he thinks.

EAPHEROD
(grinning slowly)
They cannot.
They're powerless. They fear me and for that they lost their chance to stop me when they could, and now it's too late for them. I will escape, and they will feel my fury, pent up for so long, locked away, growing only greater for the aeons!
(hissing)
You will all fall before my resolve!

NATHAN
Interesting. Doesn't really sound like the gods I know.

EAPHEROD
And what would you know when they hide behind their masks? Cowards!

NATHAN
(over his shoulder)
Yo, Karamah, you wearing a mask?

Eapherod hisses and shrinks away.

Nathan gives him a dubious look.

The priests or whatever look a little concerned.

KARAMAH
We all are.

NATHAN
And what about you, Eapherod? What of the masks you wear, the names you've taken, the faces you've donned? Who are you?
What happened to you?

EAPHEROD
Nothing happened! They happened! They ruined me, they stole my very self and left me, bound and chained, to rot with ''nothing''!  They will pay, they must pay! Release me and I will take what is ''mine''! Let me have my vengeance, let me take what they stole right back from them...

NATHAN
And what exactly do you mean to take?

EAPHEROD
Everything!

NATHAN
(he frowns)
In another world, you might have been the one standing here, on the outside, looking in. We might have been friends, and discussed goats over tea. You might have been...

EAPHEROD
No!

NATHAN
...her.

Eapherod stares at him in horror.

NATHAN
Are you really so far gone that there is no hope at all?

EAPHEROD
You could never understand!

NATHAN
Oh, I understand. I understand you exactly. You could have been something once. You had all the worlds ahead of you, and you threw it away, you wasted it. You.
You didn't care, and so you slipped further and further away. The others lost you, too, because they were just like you, and they didn't care any more than you did. And now, now they're still the same, and so you hate them.
(quietly)
And yet the only one you hate more than them is yourself.

EAPHEROD
That's not true.

NATHAN
You see yourself in them, so you want to destroy them, but really the only one you're trying to destroy is you. But you can't. They're the only ones who can, and yet...
Suppose you do, suppose you pull it off and kill every one of those others whom you hate so much, and you destroy every bit of the lands and folk so dear. Then you will be alone. You ''will'' have nothing, only the emptiness and the pain and the fear that have made you what you are, and nothing at all to temper it out.

Eapherod leans back against the far side of the cage, so Nathan gets right up against it, leering in.

NATHAN
Now tell me. Is this really what you want?

Suddenly Fern collapses and the presence is gone.

NATHAN
Er.

KARAMAH
Well done.

NATHAN
I shouldn't have done that. The last time I did that I lost my job and became an international... er... visa violator... thing. With a fake identity. And fake... boobs. Her boobs have to be fake. Right?

KARAMAH
It was a peaceful solution to an impossible problem. After everything that has passed, you have struck pause into his heart.

NATHAN
(darkly)
And then he'll get over it and come back and make things even worse. ''Again'', probably.

FERN
(getting up)
What happened?

Karamah breaks the cage containing Fern.

KARAMAH
(to Nathan)
How did you know my name?

NATHAN
(surprised)
Lucky guess?
(he indicates Fern)
Honestly she mumbles in her sleep. And once we started really understanding what she was saying...

FERN
(rubbing her head)
What?

KARAMAH
Amadi, are you well?

FERN
No, but I am a well. A well within a wall, as it were.
How'd you get rid of the fartso?

KARAMAH
It was Nathan who did it, but as for how, I do not know. All of your party are invisible to me.

NATHAN
Wait, what? Still?

FERN
Oh, yeah, Lokshmi did some stuff to them. Not rightly sure what, but among other things it does seem to make their minds and souls invisible to the eyes of the gods.
I actually kind of like it.

NATHAN
Oh. Wait, you like not seeing it coming when Yasa throws a cupcake at your head?

FERN
That seemed to bother you lot more than it did me.

NATHAN
That's because you kept yelling!

FERN
I had frosting in my ear!

Nathan rolls his eyes.

FERN
(to Karamah)
Actually we might want to be a little concerned about what happens when they die. They're not Sorenai, at least, but whatever she did, it might have had some similar effects, and if you can't see them...

NATHAN
Eh?

KARAMAH
The Architect will handle it.

FERN
You've got a lot of faith in that absentee.

KARAMAH
He appears when he needs to.

FERN
(smiling)
And maybe, for all this, we need him anyway. I'll call in some favours, we get a whole pile of Kings coming down on Eapherod like a pile of bricks, and pow, problem solved.

NATHAN
(interjecting)
But will you fix him, or will you kill him?

FERN
(to Nathan)
Hmm?

NATHAN
Eapherod. He's lost and angry and bitter, but that doesn't mean he deserves to die. He needs help.

KARAMAH
You care for him, even after all he has threatened to do?

NATHAN
Maybe I relate to him, just a little. Maybe how he sees you lot is a bit how I see real developers these days. For me it doesn't really matter; where I've needed help, I've gotten it. But who's helped him? Ever?

FERN
How do you even know about that?

NATHAN
Guesses. Lots of guesses. A little storytelling, and a lot of guesses.
(mumbling quickly)
Also I spoke to the Kings of Arikdirin Vak and they told me some things before I lost it and tried to hit one of them with a shovel.

Fern gives Nathan a long look and then slowly grins.

FERN
(turning to Karamah)
He's not wrong. Eapherod deserves it.

KARAMAH
He deserves an end.

FERN
He deserves a chance. They can give it to him.
Look, love, I'm right, I've always been right, and I think after everything that's happened, even if you don't think I'm right, you do owe me this much, yes?

This comes across as a bit of an ultimatum.


INT. Airplane)
Fern and Nathan are going home.

NATHAN
(nudging Fern)
Kharamah is the Mathesian God?

FERN
Mmm.

NATHAN
But there's no reference to a name in anything of the religion on this world. Is there a reason for that, or is it just something that happened, never really relevant?

FERN
Oh, there is definitely a reason.

NATHAN
Really. Care to share? And who is... who was Amadi, anyway?

FERN
She was the cat in the first story of the Book of Nightmares. Or one of the cats... I suspect there have been many; most of the splits happened well after all of that.

NATHAN
Most of?

FERN
(smiles and turns away)
Now, now, Nathan. Best not go prying too far into the affairs of immortals. You may not like what you find. Or who you wind up by the end.
</screenplay>

== New Game ==

<screenplay>
Shahanna living room)
Yasa, Nathan, Darren, Alexis, Percy, Fern are once again sitting around the coffee table drinking tea and eating dumplings, while Fern tries to find notes on her laptop.

ALEXIS
(over her tea)
So just what did happen? Out with it.

NATHAN
(rolls eyes)
We went and had a plot.

YASA
What, you were plotting?

NATHAN
A story. You know.

YASA
(grinning)
The horror...

FERN
Yeah, and I think I lost my notes... sorry.

NATHAN
How do you lose your notes? Just open a terminal and type locate... eh, some word in them.

FERN
Well...

If I knew how...

Open a terminal?

NATHAN
...nevermind.

What OS are you running, anyway?

FERN
OS?

NATHAN
Oper... nevermind.

FERN
What?
</screenplay>