https://wiki.zaori.org/w/api.php?action=feedcontributions&feedformat=atom&user=ApheoriZaori - User contributions [en-gb]2026-05-12T14:09:57ZUser contributionsMediaWiki 1.36.0-alphahttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=File:Bad_diagrambag_baf.jpg&diff=4750File:Bad diagrambag baf.jpg2025-05-09T20:29:24Z<p>Apheori: Uploaded own work with UploadWizard</p>
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|date=2025-05-09 20:54:35<br />
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{{self|cc-by-sa-4.0}}</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Brownies&diff=4749Recipes/Brownies2024-09-05T20:47:19Z<p>Apheori: Eh...</p>
<hr />
<div>Classic dry brownies. Generally somewhat dry and crumbly, also sometimes a bit gooey?<br />
<br />
=== Parts ===<br />
<br />
* 0.75 cups cocoa<br />
* 2 cups sugar<br />
* 1.25 cups flour<br />
* 1 teaspoon baking powder<br />
* 1 cup oil<br />
* 4 eggs<br />
* 1 teaspoon vanilla<br />
<br />
=== Process ===<br />
<br />
# Heat oven to 350F. Grease baking pan, 13x9x2 inches. <br />
# Whisk together main ingredients. Spread batter in pan.<br />
# Bake 30 minutes or until brownies start to pull away from sides of pan. Do not overbake.<br />
# Cool slightly, cut into bars.<br />
<br />
[[Category:Recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Apple_cake&diff=4748Recipes/Apple cake2024-09-02T16:38:17Z<p>Apheori: /* Miscellaneous */</p>
<hr />
<div>Nominally an apple cake, that through three attempts to make, has yielded no consistent results at all beyond edibility and unexpected tastiness (but never in the same way). Recipe was imprecisely recorded after the fact the first time after unexpectedly acceptable result despite use of a broken oven and just whatever ingredients we actually had on hand.<br />
<br />
Original recipe, maybe, is below. See notes.<br />
<br />
=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
'''Wet mix:'''<br />
* 1-2 apples (5-6 is better)<br />
* 1 banana (unnecessary, but we wanted to get rid of it)<br />
* 1 dl orange juice (or ideally an orange or two)<br />
* 2 ml vanilla sugar (1ml extract, maybe?)<br />
* 2-5 black peppercorns<br />
* 3-6 sweet peppercorns (allspice)<br />
* 1-2 cloves<br />
* 350 g butter<br />
<br />
'''Dry mix:'''<br />
* 1 dl fructose (optional especially if you're putting in a lot apples/juice anyway, can also just use more regular sugar instead if needed)<br />
* 2 dl sugar<br />
* 50 ml maple sugar (or brown sugar) + a bit more to dust on top at end<br />
* 3 dl flour (or maybe twice that? unclear, too much incompetence, someone else who can actually use a measuring cup needs to test this)<br />
* 3 ml baking powder<br />
* 1 ml baking soda (should probably be more like 5ml baking soda, baking powder optional)<br />
<br />
'''Not part of original recipe:'''<br />
* 2-4 eggs (optional?)<br />
* 4 cardamoms<br />
* 0.5-1 ml ground cinnamon<br />
* orange zest (lemon also works)<br />
* Extra apple or orange juice as needed if too dry (how do you tell? no idea, but if it is too dry, instead of keeping the cake moist, the sugar will turn the entire thing brown inside like burnt gingerbread, teetering on a very fine line between still tasty and absolute bleh)<br />
<br />
=== Process ===<br />
<br />
Heat oven to ~200C (maybe higher, unless it burns). Grease (and flour, if not nonstick) baking pan(s).<br />
<br />
Mash/grind whole spices, zest orange (if applicable), peel and dice apple(s). Mash in banana, mix in butter. Whisk together dry ingredients, then mix with wet when oven is ready, and pour/push into pan(s). Bake until done but not burnt; cake should no longer jiggle when tapped or stick when stabbed. (Timing depends on pans, temperatures, and how badly the measurements were messed up; anything from 15 minutes to an hour so far.)<br />
<br />
Dust with maple sugar if possible. Sop up excess butter leakage if necessary. Re-evaluate all of the above as needed, because this ain't right. Cakes should not squelch. Etc.<br />
<br />
=== Notes ===<br />
==== First attempt ====<br />
<br />
Based loosely on zucchini bread (fruit quickbread cake)/pound cake proportions, but not recorded until after. Resulted in a surprisingly subtle golden cake that was browned on the outside and light and moist on the inside, and flaked apart easily while still generally holding shape in the meantime if cut with at least some amount of care. Dust with brown sugar for maximal tastiness.<br />
<br />
'''Some notes:'''<br />
* Only had one apple and one banana and an orange juicebox, so kept spice amounts down accordingly, hence amount range on spices.<br />
* Could probably have used more rising agent, as it did not rise much at all.<br />
* No eggs were used as we never bothered to buy any. Apparently not necessary.<br />
* Smaller flat cake took ~15 minutes to bake, larger bundt ~45, at a temperature somewhere around 200C; unclear due to broken oven.<br />
* Flour and sugar amounts may have been double what was recorded due to misremembering sizes of measuring cups, or not. Made sense at the time.<br />
<br />
==== Second attempt ====<br />
<br />
Involved what turned out to be an impressively blatant failure to convert to SAE (american 'cups' are, apparently, quite large), resulting in much higher dry ingredient amounts than intended. Adding more spices meant there was still plenty of flavour, but neglecting to add more water or juice (added more butter and eggs instead) resulted in a cake caramelised (browned) all the way through that dried out somewhat quickly. Apparently we made a spice cake? Still surprisingly good, especially with some cream and/or vanilla sauce poured over it.<br />
<br />
'''Notes:'''<br />
* Spice amounts doubled; also added cardamoms and cinnamon now that we had them.<br />
* Skipped the baking powder (either because we forgot to get any, or it just seemed pointless with the oranges); used 5 spoons of soda instead, resulting in significantly more rise.<br />
* Used 4-5 eggs, may have been more important with more rising agent, or not.<br />
* Thoroughly browned cake was probably due to too much flour and possibly other primary dry ingredients without adding more actual ''water'', as sugars (especially fructose) will caramelise at lower temperatures than this when not buffered by water. Apparently. Definitely used too much flour, though. (Maybe 3 cups flour? lololol)<br />
<br />
==== Third attempt ====<br />
<br />
Resulted in a 'cake' seeping grease from every crevice that squelched when removed from pans or plates. A cake should not squelch. Remarkably good regardless, but calling this one a 'cake' just seems wrong somehow. More like a weird stacked baked pudding, if anything. Still not entirely sure what happened. Top with whipped cream.<br />
<br />
'''Notes:'''<br />
* Should have had way more flour. Possible explanations include mis-recording initial target (may have been 2dL measuring cups instead of 1dL or something), just plain mismeasuring this time (may have forgotten second scoop or misread units on current measuring cup), or just that throwing in six apples in a two-apple recipe has... consequences. Possibly all of the above.<br />
* Used 6 apples, because apples are delicious. May explain need for extra flour, may also explain why if measurements of both were way off already, only the flour deficit would have stood out (apples provide their own sugar, so flavour was still fine). Does not sufficiently explain why flour deficit seemed so extreme.<br />
* Added extra apple juice out of paranoia to avoid a second fully-caramelised cake; probably made insufficient flour issue even worse, but still doesn't seem to sufficiently explain the deficit. Just not enough flour. Nowhere near enough, probably not by an order of magnitude, but still a lot.<br />
* Probably only used 2 eggs due to getting fed up with having to pick egg shells back out of it.<br />
* Couldn't find baking soda, so tried to just use extra baking powder, but then misread and wound up with default amount. Should probably definitely be more when using only mixed powder, as baking powder is less soda to begin with and the oranges still would have covered the acid part, though in this case it likely didn't matter due to lack of flour.<br />
* When removed from oven, cakes were essentially boiling in butter, which then seeped out from all sides. Placed cakes on plates lined with paper towels to out-grease as we would for fried foods, at which point the squelching began. No further outgreasing followed once cooled, nor unpleasant coagulation, but the squelching continued whenever a piece was removed from a surface.<br />
<br />
==== Miscellaneous ====<br />
<br />
* Again, cakes should not squelch. (Was too much butter.)<br />
* Sugar is what makes cakes moist, because it holds onto water. Flour holds onto oil, which also helps as it acts as a buffer to slow down the sugar drying out, but without sugar and water in some form (say, apples), you ''cannot make a moist cake''. Stop trying to pass off rocks as cake, health nuts. Use more apples or something. Or don't cake.<br />
* Water is what keeps sugar from caramelising, as dissolved sugar requires a far higher temperature to do so than dry. Cakes brown on the outside when the water evaporates regardless due to surface contact, or something.<br />
* Different kinds of sugars hold onto water differently, dissolve differently, and caramelise at different temperatures. Fructose appears to hold more water, but also requires more to not caramelise, as its default is a lower temperature. When in doubt, add more fruit, as it's usually an already well-balanced solution, and also delicious.<br />
* Starting to wonder if maybe I do know how to cook, considering how badly this keeps going while still turning out okay.<br />
* Use of smaller, sweeter apples also seems to help, as they're just nicer than the large tasteless unripe starch blocks. First attempt, local finnish apples, third norwegian. Good new zealand galas also work well.<br />
* Notes from fourth attempt are on phone maybe, this needs to be updated.<br />
<br />
[[category:recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Gods_of_Arling_Tor&diff=4747Gods of Arling Tor2024-06-24T21:32:44Z<p>Apheori: /* The Twelve */</p>
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<div>The universe of [[Arling Tor]] is home to, among others, a somewhat more relevant pantheon of gods, who likely consider themselves to be incredibly important, and are widely worshipped on [[Cerris]], vaguely referenced in [[Ord]], and have varying levels of influence and control across the myriad other Torrian planes and planets beyond these realms.<br />
<br />
On Cerris, people tend to refer to the pantheon as a whole as either '''the Twelve''' or '''the Nine''', depending on whether or not they're including the, shall we say, more 'negative' gods in what they wish to invoke. Of the Twelve, all are Originals (of the 'Original Family' supposedly born of the creation of the universe) aside from Kyrule (born a mortal elf) and [[Source:Sarathi#Pantheon|Vitoi]] (wandered in from another universe and just kind of made himself at home). Sonmi is also arguably not one of the Originals; though there was a Sonmi born of the family, she was subsequently replaced by the [[White Reaper]], at the time an aspect of Kyrule, sort of, ish, even though this was technically before Kyrule even born.<ref>Nobody talks about this anyway, so it probably doesn't matter. Or does it?</ref> Because she maintained the name and position of the Original Sonmi when doing so, this detail is not widely known.<ref>Seriously nobody knows this outside the gods themselves. And even they don't seem to want to acknowledge it most of the time, might be they feel guilty after all now?</ref><br />
<br />
== The Twelve ==<br />
<br />
{| class="wikitable sortable" style="width: 100%"<br />
|-<br />
! God<br />
! Original Name<br />
! Other names/aspects<br />
! Domains<br />
|-<br />
||'''Alyre'''||Joy||Lara, Alynn, Bacquoi||love, joy, passion, dance, beauty, cats<ref name="sonmi"/>, curiosity<ref name="sonmi">Taken from Sonmi as punishment after the White Reaper became her.</ref>, temptation, fertility, fountains<br />
|-<br />
||'''Azorres||Hope||Eiko, Adries||light<ref name="sonmi2"/>, life, healing, hope, patience, perseverance, new perspectives<ref name="sonmi2"/>, redemption<ref name="sonmi2"/>, beginnings<ref name="sonmi"/>, just generally being nice to each other<br />
|-<br />
||'''Brenn||Home||Brenna, Voi||simplicity, belonging, home, contentment, loyalty, propriety, culture, nobles, art, profit, tea, dogs<br />
|-<br />
||'''Djieka||Luck||Cheekah, Dis||chaos, disorder, luck, thieves, air, confusion, ignorance<ref name="sonmi"/>, unreasonable expectation, chronic paranoia, horses, stuff that just generally makes no sense<br />
|-<br />
||'''Kyrule||N/A||Kheris, Irin, Deathdealer, The Voice and the Hand, The Chicken God, Sexy Kyrule|| time<ref name="sonmi2">A gift from Sonmi.</ref>, judgement<ref name="ves">Was originally the domain of Veshura, who got fed up with the other gods' bullshit and quit as the god of death.</ref><ref name="eaph"/>, purpose<ref name="lash"/>, truth, free will, spirits<ref name="ves"/>, dreams<ref name="eaph">Was Eapherod's domain, but Kyrule killed her.</ref>, nightmares<ref name="eaph"/>, lies, masks, secrets, trickery<br />
|-<br />
||'''Lyria||Renewal||Lepaedi||nature, cycles, growth, renewal, decomposition, forests, agriculture, stuff that just generally goes on with or without you<br />
|-<br />
||'''Neiryo||Change||Nausica, Kikein, Nessis, Augh, Raven, The Maelstrom||water, oceans, pressure, storms, erosion, change, wisdom, riddles, cleverness, smart birds, discovery<ref name="sonmi"/>, weather in general<br />
|-<br />
||'''Orin||Conflict||Forble Sense, Lord of War, That Giant Asshole||war, battle, argument, victory, might, fire, justice<ref name="lash">Was Lashaliss Azall's domain, but Eapherod killed her.</ref>, courage<ref name="lash"/>, rage, aggressive animals<br />
|-<br />
||'''Roshar||Stability||Belotzi, Stone God||stone, strength, durability, foundations, construction, slow process, digging creatures, reliability<ref name="lash"/>, construction<ref name="lash"/>, rocks, other rocks, all the rocks, geology in general<br />
|-<br />
||'''Sonmi||Curiosity||Ghauran, Gurasis, Tymor, Zachri, White Reaper||death<ref name="ves"/><ref name="eaph"/><ref name="kyr">Was supposed to be Kyrule's domain, but he either gave it to Sonmi, or possibly just didn't stop her from taking it instead.</ref>, destruction, torment, pain, fear, cruelty, hate, madness, loss, emptiness, paradoxes, endings<ref name="ves"/><ref name="kyr"/>, respite, release<br />
|-<br />
||'''Veshura||Death||Zeahne, Mishra, Öjra, The Void, The Ungodly Light||power, revenge, knowledge, magic, addiction, space and shit, ambition, debts, undeath, eternities, those absolutely-terrifyingly-tiny wasps and other such horrors of evolution<br />
|-<br />
||'''Vitoi||N/A||Hazz'ridan, The Loss||ultimate failure, frustration, weariness, dead ends, general pettiness, unfinished business, procrastination, indignation, stupid birds, dead moths, monotony, absence, darkness, anything that's nearing extinction<br />
|-<br />
|}<br />
<br />
While we've previously attempted to assign alignments according to what the general populace tend to believe, these weren't exactly accurate to the nature of the gods themselves, and just plain confusing to boot. For the most part, they're all fairly nice/neutral, aside from that one who really is just an outright dick. Some will certainly return the favour if you start something, however.<br />
<br />
It is also worth noting that some of the gods' Original Names have kinda been passed around like hot potatoes over the entirety of their existence, which is to say very, very occasionally they might trade, aside from a few exceptional incidents:<br />
* Sonmi, when the White Reaper became her, was cursed and forcibly renamed Torment by the other gods, just to punish her for the sheer audacity of a mortal daring to take the place of a god. Eventually they did finally work out how completely insane that was, though it really should not have taken them that long considering their sister Justice would have been heavily against it from the start. Oops.<br />
* At some point Veshura got absolutely fed up with the other gods' expectations as to what Death should be and do, and just up and abdicated. This caused more than a few problems, before Eapherod (an interloper posing as a mortal) and Kyrule (an actual mortal at the time) finally hunted it down and took the name themselves. Which caused other problems, but at least the other gods didn't flip out this time and curse them too. Progress!<br />
* When Lashaliss Azall was killed, her name of Justice was corrupted. Unclear how nobody seemed to notice this considering what an absolute gobshite Justice Orin turned out to be. They were all reeling a bit, though.<br />
* Eapherod had already given Kyrule (her half of?) the Death name before he killed her, or that never would have even worked. Then he traded Death for Time with Sonmi, because she'd suggested this might be less painful? Where'd he get the Secrets name, though?!<br />
<br />
These also weren't their ''only'' names, even from the start, and they would have just kept adding more as they appeared. Some of these smaller names would have really convoluted things, such as whoever was Lies, they probably got ''around''. When the Originals finally adopted less literal names, it might have just been because they ones they were had gotten too big.<br />
<br />
For further confusion:<br />
* Sonmi was never Time. Time was the name the White Reaper had plucked when she and the Originals had all first taken their Names, and thus she was able to keep it as well even when Sonmi was renamed. (How'd she get there in the first place? Maybe she went and plucked 'Temporal Paradoxes' in the future first, who knows.)<br />
* Despite her masks, Sonmi/the White Reaper tends to be most commonly aligned with Azorres and Kyrule, and usually just has them do/take credit for anything public-facing in order to circumvent certain other details of her curse.<br />
* Azorres and Kyrule somehow seem to have wound up with a number of roughly the same Names (inverted, but does that really mean anything with gods?) and ostensibly mostly have exactly the same goals, despite their followers' constantly clashing. Mostly it's an approach thing, but they do try to stress that both approaches are kind of needed anyway.<br />
* It's not even clear how Vitoi took his Names, or if he did at all. Maybe he just showed up and the names instead crawled out of the pool and found him? How did he even get there? What even is he? Eh.<br />
* While Veshura and Vitoi generally present as not overtly caring one way or the other about most such things, they're both pretty big on their own particular flavours of poetic justice. Possibly just because they find it absolutely hilarious. The problem is after Original Justice died, this usually winds up still being more just than the nonsense Orin tends to come up with.<br />
* Orin is just an absolute dick, possibly because he took his sister's death really badly, or possibly because he was all along. Sometimes his injustices are so bad that even Kyrule winds up having to take matters into his own hands to ensure something even remotely resembling true justice occurs in the End. Even if it turns out to be reinstating whatever Veshura or Vitoi already came up with.<br />
<br />
== Aspects and other gods ==<br />
<br />
Other gods and spirits are also revered outside of the Twelve. Some are much smaller, either existing only locally, or with limited followers, and are not widely known, but many of these serve the Twelve themselves. Others, not so much, and may only have limited dealings with mortals themselves.<br />
<br />
Those who serve the Twelve may exist as their own entities, or present themselves as various aspects and avatars, for reasons. Alyre, for instance, is widely regarded to include cats within her domains, but her aspect Lara is also revered as a goddess of cats specifically. Other smaller gods and spirits, including local guardian gods, will also present as distinct entities, but often fall under the umbrella of one or more of the twelve, and may be used interchangeably in some regions and religions. That nonsense that went down in Ord, on the other hand, is just something else entirely.<br />
<br />
Other gods, such as Daru, the All-Father to the Original Family, may exist<ref>He totally exists, and is an even bigger dick than Orin, somehow.</ref> beyond this, but do not feature in any mortal religion due to having no dealings with them, because he kind of really despises them.<br />
<br />
== Ord ==<br />
<br />
Historically, Ordian religion has largely been based around the [[Chitiritas]] Ancestor spirits rather than any gods. When the elves migrated from the sister realm of Cerris in the [[Exodus]], they brought their religion, and their gods, with them, but an accord (known properly as '[[The Accords]]' to make it sound more important when historians and theologians mention it) was made with the locals to limit what these new gods could do to 'try to keep them from mucking too much up' or some such. And being elves, they didn't really care and were kind of fine with whatever, within reason.<br />
<br />
Per the Accords, only Azorres, Kyrule, and Veshura are allowed to directly intervene in Ordian affairs. Despite this, none of them really do much in practice either:<br />
<br />
* Azorres enjoys some popularity simply for being a 'generally good sort', whose domains translate fairly well into organised religion, but the religions themselves still tend to be more of an excuse to hold social events than anything truly meaningful.<br />
* Veshura is sometimes subject to random cults, but does little to encourage it beyond occasionally showing up and humouring her cultists with at times rather ridiculous powers, typically right before the cult would have fallen apart naturally anyway.<br />
* Kyrule mostly leaves Ord be on the religion-side and relegates managing matters of the dead to the [[Reapers]], unbound spirits originally created by the Ancestors to gather up other unwilling and lost spirits. Then that nonsense went down where he created two new aspects of Death:<br />
*# The Chicken God: a distributed [[Classification of god-forms|god-form entity]] that mostly exists memetically within social media, that, due to an excess of undirected belief<ref>Is winding up with a Chicken God better or worse than an Oh God of hangovers? Who knows, but it would totally get the reference. It gets all the references. It probably speaks exclusively in references. Except when it doesn't. Because consistency is not what it's about.</ref>, may quite possibly be the most powerful divine being in all of Arling Tor. <br />
*# Sexy Kyrule: Kyrule, but sexy. Huge hit, instantly popular, after an avatar of Kyrule challenged the Chicken God to a duel on social media - in a ring of jello, wearing their sexiest bikinis, armed only with giant slabs of tofu - not realising she was still logged in as Kyrule. And then had to go do it when the Chicken God obviously accepted, just on principle.<br />
<br />
This match was streamed everywhere. People were amazed. Awed. Inspired. Baffled. Disgusted. Very, very confused. Frankly just glad that this time, Kyrule randomly actually showing up in Ord wasn't to stop another chicken-spawning fork-bomb, but rather something not so world-ending after all? Which is also something that had previously happened. Possibly why he'd even have a social media login at all now.<br />
<br />
Ord is weird.<br />
<br />
== Notes and references ==<br />
<br />
<references/> <br />
<br />
[[Category:Gods]]<br />
[[Category:Let's randomly pretend this is an encyclopedia]]<br />
[[Category:Arling Tor]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Apple_cake&diff=4746Recipes/Apple cake2024-03-19T09:02:19Z<p>Apheori: /* First attempt */</p>
<hr />
<div>Nominally an apple cake, that through three attempts to make, has yielded no consistent results at all beyond edibility and unexpected tastiness (but never in the same way). Recipe was imprecisely recorded after the fact the first time after unexpectedly acceptable result despite use of a broken oven and just whatever ingredients we actually had on hand.<br />
<br />
Original recipe, maybe, is below. See notes.<br />
<br />
=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
'''Wet mix:'''<br />
* 1-2 apples (5-6 is better)<br />
* 1 banana (unnecessary, but we wanted to get rid of it)<br />
* 1 dl orange juice (or ideally an orange or two)<br />
* 2 ml vanilla sugar (1ml extract, maybe?)<br />
* 2-5 black peppercorns<br />
* 3-6 sweet peppercorns (allspice)<br />
* 1-2 cloves<br />
* 350 g butter<br />
<br />
'''Dry mix:'''<br />
* 1 dl fructose (optional especially if you're putting in a lot apples/juice anyway, can also just use more regular sugar instead if needed)<br />
* 2 dl sugar<br />
* 50 ml maple sugar (or brown sugar) + a bit more to dust on top at end<br />
* 3 dl flour (or maybe twice that? unclear, too much incompetence, someone else who can actually use a measuring cup needs to test this)<br />
* 3 ml baking powder<br />
* 1 ml baking soda (should probably be more like 5ml baking soda, baking powder optional)<br />
<br />
'''Not part of original recipe:'''<br />
* 2-4 eggs (optional?)<br />
* 4 cardamoms<br />
* 0.5-1 ml ground cinnamon<br />
* orange zest (lemon also works)<br />
* Extra apple or orange juice as needed if too dry (how do you tell? no idea, but if it is too dry, instead of keeping the cake moist, the sugar will turn the entire thing brown inside like burnt gingerbread, teetering on a very fine line between still tasty and absolute bleh)<br />
<br />
=== Process ===<br />
<br />
Heat oven to ~200C (maybe higher, unless it burns). Grease (and flour, if not nonstick) baking pan(s).<br />
<br />
Mash/grind whole spices, zest orange (if applicable), peel and dice apple(s). Mash in banana, mix in butter. Whisk together dry ingredients, then mix with wet when oven is ready, and pour/push into pan(s). Bake until done but not burnt; cake should no longer jiggle when tapped or stick when stabbed. (Timing depends on pans, temperatures, and how badly the measurements were messed up; anything from 15 minutes to an hour so far.)<br />
<br />
Dust with maple sugar if possible. Sop up excess butter leakage if necessary. Re-evaluate all of the above as needed, because this ain't right. Cakes should not squelch. Etc.<br />
<br />
=== Notes ===<br />
==== First attempt ====<br />
<br />
Based loosely on zucchini bread (fruit quickbread cake)/pound cake proportions, but not recorded until after. Resulted in a surprisingly subtle golden cake that was browned on the outside and light and moist on the inside, and flaked apart easily while still generally holding shape in the meantime if cut with at least some amount of care. Dust with brown sugar for maximal tastiness.<br />
<br />
'''Some notes:'''<br />
* Only had one apple and one banana and an orange juicebox, so kept spice amounts down accordingly, hence amount range on spices.<br />
* Could probably have used more rising agent, as it did not rise much at all.<br />
* No eggs were used as we never bothered to buy any. Apparently not necessary.<br />
* Smaller flat cake took ~15 minutes to bake, larger bundt ~45, at a temperature somewhere around 200C; unclear due to broken oven.<br />
* Flour and sugar amounts may have been double what was recorded due to misremembering sizes of measuring cups, or not. Made sense at the time.<br />
<br />
==== Second attempt ====<br />
<br />
Involved what turned out to be an impressively blatant failure to convert to SAE (american 'cups' are, apparently, quite large), resulting in much higher dry ingredient amounts than intended. Adding more spices meant there was still plenty of flavour, but neglecting to add more water or juice (added more butter and eggs instead) resulted in a cake caramelised (browned) all the way through that dried out somewhat quickly. Apparently we made a spice cake? Still surprisingly good, especially with some cream and/or vanilla sauce poured over it.<br />
<br />
'''Notes:'''<br />
* Spice amounts doubled; also added cardamoms and cinnamon now that we had them.<br />
* Skipped the baking powder (either because we forgot to get any, or it just seemed pointless with the oranges); used 5 spoons of soda instead, resulting in significantly more rise.<br />
* Used 4-5 eggs, may have been more important with more rising agent, or not.<br />
* Thoroughly browned cake was probably due to too much flour and possibly other primary dry ingredients without adding more actual ''water'', as sugars (especially fructose) will caramelise at lower temperatures than this when not buffered by water. Apparently. Definitely used too much flour, though. (Maybe 3 cups flour? lololol)<br />
<br />
==== Third attempt ====<br />
<br />
Resulted in a 'cake' seeping grease from every crevice that squelched when removed from pans or plates. A cake should not squelch. Remarkably good regardless, but calling this one a 'cake' just seems wrong somehow. More like a weird stacked baked pudding, if anything. Still not entirely sure what happened. Top with whipped cream.<br />
<br />
'''Notes:'''<br />
* Should have had way more flour. Possible explanations include mis-recording initial target (may have been 2dL measuring cups instead of 1dL or something), just plain mismeasuring this time (may have forgotten second scoop or misread units on current measuring cup), or just that throwing in six apples in a two-apple recipe has... consequences. Possibly all of the above.<br />
* Used 6 apples, because apples are delicious. May explain need for extra flour, may also explain why if measurements of both were way off already, only the flour deficit would have stood out (apples provide their own sugar, so flavour was still fine). Does not sufficiently explain why flour deficit seemed so extreme.<br />
* Added extra apple juice out of paranoia to avoid a second fully-caramelised cake; probably made insufficient flour issue even worse, but still doesn't seem to sufficiently explain the deficit. Just not enough flour. Nowhere near enough, probably not by an order of magnitude, but still a lot.<br />
* Probably only used 2 eggs due to getting fed up with having to pick egg shells back out of it.<br />
* Couldn't find baking soda, so tried to just use extra baking powder, but then misread and wound up with default amount. Should probably definitely be more when using only mixed powder, as baking powder is less soda to begin with and the oranges still would have covered the acid part, though in this case it likely didn't matter due to lack of flour.<br />
* When removed from oven, cakes were essentially boiling in butter, which then seeped out from all sides. Placed cakes on plates lined with paper towels to out-grease as we would for fried foods, at which point the squelching began. No further outgreasing followed once cooled, nor unpleasant coagulation, but the squelching continued whenever a piece was removed from a surface.<br />
<br />
==== Miscellaneous ====<br />
<br />
* Again, cakes should not squelch.<br />
* Sugar is what makes cakes moist, because it holds onto water. Flour holds onto oil, which also helps as it acts as a buffer to slow down the sugar drying out, but without sugar and water in some form (say, apples), you ''cannot make a moist cake''. Stop trying to pass off rocks as cake, health nuts. Use more apples or something. Or don't cake.<br />
* Water is what keeps sugar from caramelising, as dissolved sugar requires a far higher temperature to do so than dry. Cakes brown on the outside when the water evaporates regardless due to surface contact, or something.<br />
* Different kinds of sugars hold onto water differently, dissolve differently, and caramelise at different temperatures. Fructose appears to hold more water, but also requires more to not caramelise, as its default is a lower temperature. When in doubt, add more fruit, as it's usually an already well-balanced solution, and also delicious.<br />
* Starting to wonder if maybe I do know how to cook, considering how badly this keeps going while still turning out okay.<br />
<br />
[[category:recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Apple_cake&diff=4745Recipes/Apple cake2024-03-19T09:01:46Z<p>Apheori: /* Third attempt */</p>
<hr />
<div>Nominally an apple cake, that through three attempts to make, has yielded no consistent results at all beyond edibility and unexpected tastiness (but never in the same way). Recipe was imprecisely recorded after the fact the first time after unexpectedly acceptable result despite use of a broken oven and just whatever ingredients we actually had on hand.<br />
<br />
Original recipe, maybe, is below. See notes.<br />
<br />
=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
'''Wet mix:'''<br />
* 1-2 apples (5-6 is better)<br />
* 1 banana (unnecessary, but we wanted to get rid of it)<br />
* 1 dl orange juice (or ideally an orange or two)<br />
* 2 ml vanilla sugar (1ml extract, maybe?)<br />
* 2-5 black peppercorns<br />
* 3-6 sweet peppercorns (allspice)<br />
* 1-2 cloves<br />
* 350 g butter<br />
<br />
'''Dry mix:'''<br />
* 1 dl fructose (optional especially if you're putting in a lot apples/juice anyway, can also just use more regular sugar instead if needed)<br />
* 2 dl sugar<br />
* 50 ml maple sugar (or brown sugar) + a bit more to dust on top at end<br />
* 3 dl flour (or maybe twice that? unclear, too much incompetence, someone else who can actually use a measuring cup needs to test this)<br />
* 3 ml baking powder<br />
* 1 ml baking soda (should probably be more like 5ml baking soda, baking powder optional)<br />
<br />
'''Not part of original recipe:'''<br />
* 2-4 eggs (optional?)<br />
* 4 cardamoms<br />
* 0.5-1 ml ground cinnamon<br />
* orange zest (lemon also works)<br />
* Extra apple or orange juice as needed if too dry (how do you tell? no idea, but if it is too dry, instead of keeping the cake moist, the sugar will turn the entire thing brown inside like burnt gingerbread, teetering on a very fine line between still tasty and absolute bleh)<br />
<br />
=== Process ===<br />
<br />
Heat oven to ~200C (maybe higher, unless it burns). Grease (and flour, if not nonstick) baking pan(s).<br />
<br />
Mash/grind whole spices, zest orange (if applicable), peel and dice apple(s). Mash in banana, mix in butter. Whisk together dry ingredients, then mix with wet when oven is ready, and pour/push into pan(s). Bake until done but not burnt; cake should no longer jiggle when tapped or stick when stabbed. (Timing depends on pans, temperatures, and how badly the measurements were messed up; anything from 15 minutes to an hour so far.)<br />
<br />
Dust with maple sugar if possible. Sop up excess butter leakage if necessary. Re-evaluate all of the above as needed, because this ain't right. Cakes should not squelch. Etc.<br />
<br />
=== Notes ===<br />
==== First attempt ====<br />
<br />
Based loosely on zucchini bread (fruit quickbread cake)/pound cake proportions, but not recorded until after. Resulted in a surprisingly subtle golden cake that was browned on the outside and light and moist on the inside, and flaked apart easily while still generally holding shape in the meantime if cut with at least some amount of care. <br />
<br />
'''Some notes:'''<br />
* Only had one apple and one banana and an orange juicebox, so kept spice amounts down accordingly, hence amount range on spices.<br />
* Could probably have used more rising agent, as it did not rise much at all.<br />
* No eggs were used as we never bothered to buy any. Apparently not necessary.<br />
* Smaller flat cake took ~15 minutes to bake, larger bundt ~45, at a temperature somewhere around 200C; unclear due to broken oven.<br />
* Flour and sugar amounts may have been double what was recorded due to misremembering sizes of measuring cups, or not. Made sense at the time.<br />
<br />
==== Second attempt ====<br />
<br />
Involved what turned out to be an impressively blatant failure to convert to SAE (american 'cups' are, apparently, quite large), resulting in much higher dry ingredient amounts than intended. Adding more spices meant there was still plenty of flavour, but neglecting to add more water or juice (added more butter and eggs instead) resulted in a cake caramelised (browned) all the way through that dried out somewhat quickly. Apparently we made a spice cake? Still surprisingly good, especially with some cream and/or vanilla sauce poured over it.<br />
<br />
'''Notes:'''<br />
* Spice amounts doubled; also added cardamoms and cinnamon now that we had them.<br />
* Skipped the baking powder (either because we forgot to get any, or it just seemed pointless with the oranges); used 5 spoons of soda instead, resulting in significantly more rise.<br />
* Used 4-5 eggs, may have been more important with more rising agent, or not.<br />
* Thoroughly browned cake was probably due to too much flour and possibly other primary dry ingredients without adding more actual ''water'', as sugars (especially fructose) will caramelise at lower temperatures than this when not buffered by water. Apparently. Definitely used too much flour, though. (Maybe 3 cups flour? lololol)<br />
<br />
==== Third attempt ====<br />
<br />
Resulted in a 'cake' seeping grease from every crevice that squelched when removed from pans or plates. A cake should not squelch. Remarkably good regardless, but calling this one a 'cake' just seems wrong somehow. More like a weird stacked baked pudding, if anything. Still not entirely sure what happened. Top with whipped cream.<br />
<br />
'''Notes:'''<br />
* Should have had way more flour. Possible explanations include mis-recording initial target (may have been 2dL measuring cups instead of 1dL or something), just plain mismeasuring this time (may have forgotten second scoop or misread units on current measuring cup), or just that throwing in six apples in a two-apple recipe has... consequences. Possibly all of the above.<br />
* Used 6 apples, because apples are delicious. May explain need for extra flour, may also explain why if measurements of both were way off already, only the flour deficit would have stood out (apples provide their own sugar, so flavour was still fine). Does not sufficiently explain why flour deficit seemed so extreme.<br />
* Added extra apple juice out of paranoia to avoid a second fully-caramelised cake; probably made insufficient flour issue even worse, but still doesn't seem to sufficiently explain the deficit. Just not enough flour. Nowhere near enough, probably not by an order of magnitude, but still a lot.<br />
* Probably only used 2 eggs due to getting fed up with having to pick egg shells back out of it.<br />
* Couldn't find baking soda, so tried to just use extra baking powder, but then misread and wound up with default amount. Should probably definitely be more when using only mixed powder, as baking powder is less soda to begin with and the oranges still would have covered the acid part, though in this case it likely didn't matter due to lack of flour.<br />
* When removed from oven, cakes were essentially boiling in butter, which then seeped out from all sides. Placed cakes on plates lined with paper towels to out-grease as we would for fried foods, at which point the squelching began. No further outgreasing followed once cooled, nor unpleasant coagulation, but the squelching continued whenever a piece was removed from a surface.<br />
<br />
==== Miscellaneous ====<br />
<br />
* Again, cakes should not squelch.<br />
* Sugar is what makes cakes moist, because it holds onto water. Flour holds onto oil, which also helps as it acts as a buffer to slow down the sugar drying out, but without sugar and water in some form (say, apples), you ''cannot make a moist cake''. Stop trying to pass off rocks as cake, health nuts. Use more apples or something. Or don't cake.<br />
* Water is what keeps sugar from caramelising, as dissolved sugar requires a far higher temperature to do so than dry. Cakes brown on the outside when the water evaporates regardless due to surface contact, or something.<br />
* Different kinds of sugars hold onto water differently, dissolve differently, and caramelise at different temperatures. Fructose appears to hold more water, but also requires more to not caramelise, as its default is a lower temperature. When in doubt, add more fruit, as it's usually an already well-balanced solution, and also delicious.<br />
* Starting to wonder if maybe I do know how to cook, considering how badly this keeps going while still turning out okay.<br />
<br />
[[category:recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Apple_cake&diff=4744Recipes/Apple cake2024-03-19T09:00:21Z<p>Apheori: /* Ingredients */</p>
<hr />
<div>Nominally an apple cake, that through three attempts to make, has yielded no consistent results at all beyond edibility and unexpected tastiness (but never in the same way). Recipe was imprecisely recorded after the fact the first time after unexpectedly acceptable result despite use of a broken oven and just whatever ingredients we actually had on hand.<br />
<br />
Original recipe, maybe, is below. See notes.<br />
<br />
=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
'''Wet mix:'''<br />
* 1-2 apples (5-6 is better)<br />
* 1 banana (unnecessary, but we wanted to get rid of it)<br />
* 1 dl orange juice (or ideally an orange or two)<br />
* 2 ml vanilla sugar (1ml extract, maybe?)<br />
* 2-5 black peppercorns<br />
* 3-6 sweet peppercorns (allspice)<br />
* 1-2 cloves<br />
* 350 g butter<br />
<br />
'''Dry mix:'''<br />
* 1 dl fructose (optional especially if you're putting in a lot apples/juice anyway, can also just use more regular sugar instead if needed)<br />
* 2 dl sugar<br />
* 50 ml maple sugar (or brown sugar) + a bit more to dust on top at end<br />
* 3 dl flour (or maybe twice that? unclear, too much incompetence, someone else who can actually use a measuring cup needs to test this)<br />
* 3 ml baking powder<br />
* 1 ml baking soda (should probably be more like 5ml baking soda, baking powder optional)<br />
<br />
'''Not part of original recipe:'''<br />
* 2-4 eggs (optional?)<br />
* 4 cardamoms<br />
* 0.5-1 ml ground cinnamon<br />
* orange zest (lemon also works)<br />
* Extra apple or orange juice as needed if too dry (how do you tell? no idea, but if it is too dry, instead of keeping the cake moist, the sugar will turn the entire thing brown inside like burnt gingerbread, teetering on a very fine line between still tasty and absolute bleh)<br />
<br />
=== Process ===<br />
<br />
Heat oven to ~200C (maybe higher, unless it burns). Grease (and flour, if not nonstick) baking pan(s).<br />
<br />
Mash/grind whole spices, zest orange (if applicable), peel and dice apple(s). Mash in banana, mix in butter. Whisk together dry ingredients, then mix with wet when oven is ready, and pour/push into pan(s). Bake until done but not burnt; cake should no longer jiggle when tapped or stick when stabbed. (Timing depends on pans, temperatures, and how badly the measurements were messed up; anything from 15 minutes to an hour so far.)<br />
<br />
Dust with maple sugar if possible. Sop up excess butter leakage if necessary. Re-evaluate all of the above as needed, because this ain't right. Cakes should not squelch. Etc.<br />
<br />
=== Notes ===<br />
==== First attempt ====<br />
<br />
Based loosely on zucchini bread (fruit quickbread cake)/pound cake proportions, but not recorded until after. Resulted in a surprisingly subtle golden cake that was browned on the outside and light and moist on the inside, and flaked apart easily while still generally holding shape in the meantime if cut with at least some amount of care. <br />
<br />
'''Some notes:'''<br />
* Only had one apple and one banana and an orange juicebox, so kept spice amounts down accordingly, hence amount range on spices.<br />
* Could probably have used more rising agent, as it did not rise much at all.<br />
* No eggs were used as we never bothered to buy any. Apparently not necessary.<br />
* Smaller flat cake took ~15 minutes to bake, larger bundt ~45, at a temperature somewhere around 200C; unclear due to broken oven.<br />
* Flour and sugar amounts may have been double what was recorded due to misremembering sizes of measuring cups, or not. Made sense at the time.<br />
<br />
==== Second attempt ====<br />
<br />
Involved what turned out to be an impressively blatant failure to convert to SAE (american 'cups' are, apparently, quite large), resulting in much higher dry ingredient amounts than intended. Adding more spices meant there was still plenty of flavour, but neglecting to add more water or juice (added more butter and eggs instead) resulted in a cake caramelised (browned) all the way through that dried out somewhat quickly. Apparently we made a spice cake? Still surprisingly good, especially with some cream and/or vanilla sauce poured over it.<br />
<br />
'''Notes:'''<br />
* Spice amounts doubled; also added cardamoms and cinnamon now that we had them.<br />
* Skipped the baking powder (either because we forgot to get any, or it just seemed pointless with the oranges); used 5 spoons of soda instead, resulting in significantly more rise.<br />
* Used 4-5 eggs, may have been more important with more rising agent, or not.<br />
* Thoroughly browned cake was probably due to too much flour and possibly other primary dry ingredients without adding more actual ''water'', as sugars (especially fructose) will caramelise at lower temperatures than this when not buffered by water. Apparently. Definitely used too much flour, though. (Maybe 3 cups flour? lololol)<br />
<br />
==== Third attempt ====<br />
<br />
Resulted in a 'cake' seeping grease from every crevice that squelched when removed from pans or plates. A cake should not squelch. Remarkably good regardless, but calling this one a 'cake' just seems wrong somehow. More like a weird stacked baked pudding, if anything. Still not entirely sure what happened.<br />
<br />
'''Notes:'''<br />
* Should have had way more flour. Possible explanations include mis-recording initial target (may have been 2dL measuring cups instead of 1dL or something), just plain mismeasuring this time (may have forgotten second scoop or misread units on current measuring cup), or just that throwing in six apples in a two-apple recipe has... consequences. Possibly all of the above.<br />
* Used 6 apples, because apples are delicious. May explain need for extra flour, may also explain why if measurements of both were way off already, only the flour deficit would have stood out (apples provide their own sugar, so flavour was still fine). Does not sufficiently explain why flour deficit seemed so extreme.<br />
* Added extra apple juice out of paranoia to avoid a second fully-caramelised cake; probably made insufficient flour issue even worse, but still doesn't seem to sufficiently explain the deficit. Just not enough flour. Nowhere near enough, probably not by an order of magnitude, but still a lot.<br />
* Probably only used 2 eggs due to getting fed up with having to pick egg shells back out of it.<br />
* Couldn't find baking soda, so tried to just use extra baking powder, but then misread and wound up with default amount. Should probably definitely be more when using only mixed powder, as baking powder is less soda to begin with and the oranges still would have covered the acid part, though in this case it likely didn't matter due to lack of flour.<br />
* When removed from oven, cakes were essentially boiling in butter, which then seeped out from all sides. Placed cakes on plates lined with paper towels to out-grease as we would for fried foods, at which point the squelching began. No further outgreasing followed once cooled, nor unpleasant coagulation, but the squelching continued whenever a piece was removed from a surface.<br />
<br />
==== Miscellaneous ====<br />
<br />
* Again, cakes should not squelch.<br />
* Sugar is what makes cakes moist, because it holds onto water. Flour holds onto oil, which also helps as it acts as a buffer to slow down the sugar drying out, but without sugar and water in some form (say, apples), you ''cannot make a moist cake''. Stop trying to pass off rocks as cake, health nuts. Use more apples or something. Or don't cake.<br />
* Water is what keeps sugar from caramelising, as dissolved sugar requires a far higher temperature to do so than dry. Cakes brown on the outside when the water evaporates regardless due to surface contact, or something.<br />
* Different kinds of sugars hold onto water differently, dissolve differently, and caramelise at different temperatures. Fructose appears to hold more water, but also requires more to not caramelise, as its default is a lower temperature. When in doubt, add more fruit, as it's usually an already well-balanced solution, and also delicious.<br />
* Starting to wonder if maybe I do know how to cook, considering how badly this keeps going while still turning out okay.<br />
<br />
[[category:recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Apple_cake&diff=4743Recipes/Apple cake2024-03-19T08:57:44Z<p>Apheori: /* Process */</p>
<hr />
<div>Nominally an apple cake, that through three attempts to make, has yielded no consistent results at all beyond edibility and unexpected tastiness (but never in the same way). Recipe was imprecisely recorded after the fact the first time after unexpectedly acceptable result despite use of a broken oven and just whatever ingredients we actually had on hand.<br />
<br />
Original recipe, maybe, is below. See notes.<br />
<br />
=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
* 1-2 apples (5-6 is better)<br />
* 1 banana (unnecessary, but we wanted to get rid of it)<br />
* 350 g butter<br />
* 1 dl orange juice (or ideally an orange or two)<br />
<br />
* 1 dl fructose (optional especially if you're putting in a lot apples/juice anyway, can also just use more regular sugar instead if needed)<br />
* 2 dl sugar<br />
* 50 ml maple sugar (or brown sugar) + a bit more to dust on top at end<br />
* 3 dl flour (or maybe twice that? unclear, too much incompetence, someone else who can actually use a measuring cup needs to test this)<br />
* 2-5 black peppercorns<br />
* 3-6 sweet peppercorns (allspice)<br />
* 1-2 cloves<br />
* 2 ml vanilla sugar<br />
* 3 ml baking powder<br />
* 1 ml baking soda (should probably be more like 5ml baking soda, baking powder optional)<br />
<br />
Later additions:<br />
* 2-4 eggs (optional?)<br />
* 4 cardamoms<br />
* 0.5-1 ml ground cinnamon<br />
* orange zest (lemon also works)<br />
* Extra apple or orange juice as needed if too dry (how do you tell? no idea, but if it is too dry, instead of keeping the cake moist, the sugar will turn the entire thing brown inside like burnt gingerbread, teetering on a very fine line between still tasty and absolute bleh)<br />
<br />
=== Process ===<br />
<br />
Heat oven to ~200C (maybe higher, unless it burns). Grease (and flour, if not nonstick) baking pan(s).<br />
<br />
Mash/grind whole spices, zest orange (if applicable), peel and dice apple(s). Mash in banana, mix in butter. Whisk together dry ingredients, then mix with wet when oven is ready, and pour/push into pan(s). Bake until done but not burnt; cake should no longer jiggle when tapped or stick when stabbed. (Timing depends on pans, temperatures, and how badly the measurements were messed up; anything from 15 minutes to an hour so far.)<br />
<br />
Dust with maple sugar if possible. Sop up excess butter leakage if necessary. Re-evaluate all of the above as needed, because this ain't right. Cakes should not squelch. Etc.<br />
<br />
=== Notes ===<br />
==== First attempt ====<br />
<br />
Based loosely on zucchini bread (fruit quickbread cake)/pound cake proportions, but not recorded until after. Resulted in a surprisingly subtle golden cake that was browned on the outside and light and moist on the inside, and flaked apart easily while still generally holding shape in the meantime if cut with at least some amount of care. <br />
<br />
'''Some notes:'''<br />
* Only had one apple and one banana and an orange juicebox, so kept spice amounts down accordingly, hence amount range on spices.<br />
* Could probably have used more rising agent, as it did not rise much at all.<br />
* No eggs were used as we never bothered to buy any. Apparently not necessary.<br />
* Smaller flat cake took ~15 minutes to bake, larger bundt ~45, at a temperature somewhere around 200C; unclear due to broken oven.<br />
* Flour and sugar amounts may have been double what was recorded due to misremembering sizes of measuring cups, or not. Made sense at the time.<br />
<br />
==== Second attempt ====<br />
<br />
Involved what turned out to be an impressively blatant failure to convert to SAE (american 'cups' are, apparently, quite large), resulting in much higher dry ingredient amounts than intended. Adding more spices meant there was still plenty of flavour, but neglecting to add more water or juice (added more butter and eggs instead) resulted in a cake caramelised (browned) all the way through that dried out somewhat quickly. Apparently we made a spice cake? Still surprisingly good, especially with some cream and/or vanilla sauce poured over it.<br />
<br />
'''Notes:'''<br />
* Spice amounts doubled; also added cardamoms and cinnamon now that we had them.<br />
* Skipped the baking powder (either because we forgot to get any, or it just seemed pointless with the oranges); used 5 spoons of soda instead, resulting in significantly more rise.<br />
* Used 4-5 eggs, may have been more important with more rising agent, or not.<br />
* Thoroughly browned cake was probably due to too much flour and possibly other primary dry ingredients without adding more actual ''water'', as sugars (especially fructose) will caramelise at lower temperatures than this when not buffered by water. Apparently. Definitely used too much flour, though. (Maybe 3 cups flour? lololol)<br />
<br />
==== Third attempt ====<br />
<br />
Resulted in a 'cake' seeping grease from every crevice that squelched when removed from pans or plates. A cake should not squelch. Remarkably good regardless, but calling this one a 'cake' just seems wrong somehow. More like a weird stacked baked pudding, if anything. Still not entirely sure what happened.<br />
<br />
'''Notes:'''<br />
* Should have had way more flour. Possible explanations include mis-recording initial target (may have been 2dL measuring cups instead of 1dL or something), just plain mismeasuring this time (may have forgotten second scoop or misread units on current measuring cup), or just that throwing in six apples in a two-apple recipe has... consequences. Possibly all of the above.<br />
* Used 6 apples, because apples are delicious. May explain need for extra flour, may also explain why if measurements of both were way off already, only the flour deficit would have stood out (apples provide their own sugar, so flavour was still fine). Does not sufficiently explain why flour deficit seemed so extreme.<br />
* Added extra apple juice out of paranoia to avoid a second fully-caramelised cake; probably made insufficient flour issue even worse, but still doesn't seem to sufficiently explain the deficit. Just not enough flour. Nowhere near enough, probably not by an order of magnitude, but still a lot.<br />
* Probably only used 2 eggs due to getting fed up with having to pick egg shells back out of it.<br />
* Couldn't find baking soda, so tried to just use extra baking powder, but then misread and wound up with default amount. Should probably definitely be more when using only mixed powder, as baking powder is less soda to begin with and the oranges still would have covered the acid part, though in this case it likely didn't matter due to lack of flour.<br />
* When removed from oven, cakes were essentially boiling in butter, which then seeped out from all sides. Placed cakes on plates lined with paper towels to out-grease as we would for fried foods, at which point the squelching began. No further outgreasing followed once cooled, nor unpleasant coagulation, but the squelching continued whenever a piece was removed from a surface.<br />
<br />
==== Miscellaneous ====<br />
<br />
* Again, cakes should not squelch.<br />
* Sugar is what makes cakes moist, because it holds onto water. Flour holds onto oil, which also helps as it acts as a buffer to slow down the sugar drying out, but without sugar and water in some form (say, apples), you ''cannot make a moist cake''. Stop trying to pass off rocks as cake, health nuts. Use more apples or something. Or don't cake.<br />
* Water is what keeps sugar from caramelising, as dissolved sugar requires a far higher temperature to do so than dry. Cakes brown on the outside when the water evaporates regardless due to surface contact, or something.<br />
* Different kinds of sugars hold onto water differently, dissolve differently, and caramelise at different temperatures. Fructose appears to hold more water, but also requires more to not caramelise, as its default is a lower temperature. When in doubt, add more fruit, as it's usually an already well-balanced solution, and also delicious.<br />
* Starting to wonder if maybe I do know how to cook, considering how badly this keeps going while still turning out okay.<br />
<br />
[[category:recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Banana_apple_cake&diff=4742Recipes/Banana apple cake2024-03-19T08:53:17Z<p>Apheori: Apheori moved page Recipes/Banana apple cake to Recipes/Apple cake: Meh banana</p>
<hr />
<div>#REDIRECT [[Recipes/Apple cake]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Apple_cake&diff=4741Recipes/Apple cake2024-03-19T08:53:17Z<p>Apheori: Apheori moved page Recipes/Banana apple cake to Recipes/Apple cake: Meh banana</p>
<hr />
<div>Nominally an apple cake, that through three attempts to make, has yielded no consistent results at all beyond edibility and unexpected tastiness (but never in the same way). Recipe was imprecisely recorded after the fact the first time after unexpectedly acceptable result despite use of a broken oven and just whatever ingredients we actually had on hand.<br />
<br />
Original recipe, maybe, is below. See notes.<br />
<br />
=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
* 1-2 apples (5-6 is better)<br />
* 1 banana (unnecessary, but we wanted to get rid of it)<br />
* 350 g butter<br />
* 1 dl orange juice (or ideally an orange or two)<br />
<br />
* 1 dl fructose (optional especially if you're putting in a lot apples/juice anyway, can also just use more regular sugar instead if needed)<br />
* 2 dl sugar<br />
* 50 ml maple sugar (or brown sugar) + a bit more to dust on top at end<br />
* 3 dl flour (or maybe twice that? unclear, too much incompetence, someone else who can actually use a measuring cup needs to test this)<br />
* 2-5 black peppercorns<br />
* 3-6 sweet peppercorns (allspice)<br />
* 1-2 cloves<br />
* 2 ml vanilla sugar<br />
* 3 ml baking powder<br />
* 1 ml baking soda (should probably be more like 5ml baking soda, baking powder optional)<br />
<br />
Later additions:<br />
* 2-4 eggs (optional?)<br />
* 4 cardamoms<br />
* 0.5-1 ml ground cinnamon<br />
* orange zest (lemon also works)<br />
* Extra apple or orange juice as needed if too dry (how do you tell? no idea, but if it is too dry, instead of keeping the cake moist, the sugar will turn the entire thing brown inside like burnt gingerbread, teetering on a very fine line between still tasty and absolute bleh)<br />
<br />
=== Process ===<br />
<br />
Heat oven to ~200C (maybe higher, unless it burns). Grease (and flour, if not nonstick) baking pan(s).<br />
<br />
Mash/grind whole spices, zest orange (if applicable), peel and dice apple(s). Mash in banana, mix in butter. Whisk together dry ingredients, then mix with wet when oven is ready, and pour/push into pan(s). Bake until done but not burnt; cake should no longer jiggle when tapped or stick when stabbed. (Timing depends on pans, temperatures, and how badly the measurements were messed up; anything from 15 minutes to an hour so far.)<br />
<br />
Dust with maple sugar if possible. Sop up excess butter leakage if necessary. Re-evaluate all of the above as needed, because this ain't right. Cakes should not squelch. Etc.<br />
<br />
'''Notes:<br />
# First attempt based loosely on zucchini bread (fruit quickbread cake)/pound cake proportions, but not recorded until after. Resulted in a surprisingly subtle golden cake that was browned on the outside and light and moist on the inside, and flaked apart easily while still generally holding shape in the meantime if cut with at least some amount of care. Some notes:<br />
#* Only had one apple and one banana and an orange juicebox, so kept spice amounts down accordingly, hence amount range on spices.<br />
#* Could probably have used more rising agent, as it did not rise much at all.<br />
#* No eggs were used as we never bothered to buy any. Apparently not necessary.<br />
#* Smaller flat cake took ~15 minutes to bake, larger bundt ~45, at a temperature somewhere around 200C; unclear due to broken oven.<br />
#* Flour and sugar amounts may have been double what was recorded due to misremembering sizes of measuring cups, or not. Made sense at the time.<br />
# Second attempt involved what turned out to be a failure to convert to SAE (american 'cups' are, apparently, quite large), resulting in much higher dry ingredient amounts than intended. Adding more spices meant there was still plenty of flavour, but neglecting to add more water or juice (added more butter and eggs instead) resulted in a cake caramelised (browned) all the way through that dried out somewhat quickly. Apparently we made a spice cake? Still surprisingly good, especially with some cream and/or vanilla sauce poured over it. Notes:<br />
#* Spice amounts doubled; also added cardamoms and cinnamon now that we had them.<br />
#* Skipped the baking powder (either because we forgot to get any, or it just seemed pointless with the oranges); used 5 spoons of soda instead, resulting in significantly more rise.<br />
#* Used 4-5 eggs, may have been more important with more rising agent, or not.<br />
#* Thoroughly browned cake was probably due to too much flour and possibly other primary dry ingredients without adding more actual ''water'', as sugars (especially fructose) will caramelise at lower temperatures than this when not buffered by water. Apparently. Definitely used too much flour, though. (Maybe 3 cups flour? lololol)<br />
# Third attempt resulted in a 'cake' seeping grease from every crevice that squelched when removed from pans or plates. A cake should not squelch. Remarkably good regardless, but calling this one a 'cake' just seems wrong somehow. More like a weird stacked baked pudding, if anything. Still not entirely sure what happened. Notes:<br />
#* Should have had way more flour. Possible explanations include mis-recording initial target (may have been 2dL measuring cups instead of 1dL or something), just plain mismeasuring this time (may have forgotten second scoop or misread units on current measuring cup), or just that throwing in six apples in a two-apple recipe has... consequences. Possibly all of the above.<br />
#* Used 6 apples, because apples are delicious. May explain need for extra flour, may also explain why if measurements of both were way off already, only the flour deficit would have stood out (apples provide their own sugar, so flavour was still fine). Does not sufficiently explain why flour deficit seemed so extreme.<br />
#* Added extra apple juice out of paranoia to avoid a second fully-caramelised cake; probably made insufficient flour issue even worse, but still doesn't seem to sufficiently explain the deficit. Just not enough flour. Nowhere near enough, probably not by an order of magnitude, but still a lot.<br />
#* Probably only used 2 eggs due to getting fed up with having to pick egg shells back out of it.<br />
#* Couldn't find baking soda, so tried to just use extra baking powder, but then misread and wound up with default amount. Should probably definitely be more when using only mixed powder, as baking powder is less soda to begin with and the oranges still would have covered the acid part, though in this case it likely didn't matter due to lack of flour.<br />
#* When removed from oven, cakes were essentially boiling in butter, which then seeped out from all sides. Placed cakes on plates lined with paper towels to out-grease as we would for fried foods, at which point the squelching began. No further outgreasing followed once cooled, nor unpleasant coagulation, but the squelching continued whenever a piece was removed from a surface.<br />
<br />
'''Miscellaneous:<br />
* Again, cakes should not squelch.<br />
* Sugar is what makes cakes moist, because it holds onto water. Flour holds onto oil, which also helps as it acts as a buffer to slow down the sugar drying out, but without sugar and water in some form (say, apples), you ''cannot make a moist cake''. Stop trying to pass off rocks as cake, health nuts. Use more apples or something. Or don't cake.<br />
* Water is what keeps sugar from caramelising, as dissolved sugar requires a far higher temperature to do so than dry. Cakes brown on the outside when the water evaporates regardless due to surface contact, or something.<br />
* Different kinds of sugars hold onto water differently, dissolve differently, and caramelise at different temperatures. Fructose appears to hold more water, but also requires more to not caramelise, as its default is a lower temperature. When in doubt, add more fruit, as it's usually an already well-balanced solution, and also delicious.<br />
* Starting to wonder if maybe I do know how to cook, considering how badly this keeps going while still turning out okay.<br />
<br />
[[category:recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Apple_cake&diff=4740Recipes/Apple cake2024-03-19T08:49:00Z<p>Apheori: </p>
<hr />
<div>Nominally an apple cake, that through three attempts to make, has yielded no consistent results at all beyond edibility and unexpected tastiness (but never in the same way). Recipe was imprecisely recorded after the fact the first time after unexpectedly acceptable result despite use of a broken oven and just whatever ingredients we actually had on hand.<br />
<br />
Original recipe, maybe, is below. See notes.<br />
<br />
=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
* 1-2 apples (5-6 is better)<br />
* 1 banana (unnecessary, but we wanted to get rid of it)<br />
* 350 g butter<br />
* 1 dl orange juice (or ideally an orange or two)<br />
<br />
* 1 dl fructose (optional especially if you're putting in a lot apples/juice anyway, can also just use more regular sugar instead if needed)<br />
* 2 dl sugar<br />
* 50 ml maple sugar (or brown sugar) + a bit more to dust on top at end<br />
* 3 dl flour (or maybe twice that? unclear, too much incompetence, someone else who can actually use a measuring cup needs to test this)<br />
* 2-5 black peppercorns<br />
* 3-6 sweet peppercorns (allspice)<br />
* 1-2 cloves<br />
* 2 ml vanilla sugar<br />
* 3 ml baking powder<br />
* 1 ml baking soda (should probably be more like 5ml baking soda, baking powder optional)<br />
<br />
Later additions:<br />
* 2-4 eggs (optional?)<br />
* 4 cardamoms<br />
* 0.5-1 ml ground cinnamon<br />
* orange zest (lemon also works)<br />
* Extra apple or orange juice as needed if too dry (how do you tell? no idea, but if it is too dry, instead of keeping the cake moist, the sugar will turn the entire thing brown inside like burnt gingerbread, teetering on a very fine line between still tasty and absolute bleh)<br />
<br />
=== Process ===<br />
<br />
Heat oven to ~200C (maybe higher, unless it burns). Grease (and flour, if not nonstick) baking pan(s).<br />
<br />
Mash/grind whole spices, zest orange (if applicable), peel and dice apple(s). Mash in banana, mix in butter. Whisk together dry ingredients, then mix with wet when oven is ready, and pour/push into pan(s). Bake until done but not burnt; cake should no longer jiggle when tapped or stick when stabbed. (Timing depends on pans, temperatures, and how badly the measurements were messed up; anything from 15 minutes to an hour so far.)<br />
<br />
Dust with maple sugar if possible. Sop up excess butter leakage if necessary. Re-evaluate all of the above as needed, because this ain't right. Cakes should not squelch. Etc.<br />
<br />
'''Notes:<br />
# First attempt based loosely on zucchini bread (fruit quickbread cake)/pound cake proportions, but not recorded until after. Resulted in a surprisingly subtle golden cake that was browned on the outside and light and moist on the inside, and flaked apart easily while still generally holding shape in the meantime if cut with at least some amount of care. Some notes:<br />
#* Only had one apple and one banana and an orange juicebox, so kept spice amounts down accordingly, hence amount range on spices.<br />
#* Could probably have used more rising agent, as it did not rise much at all.<br />
#* No eggs were used as we never bothered to buy any. Apparently not necessary.<br />
#* Smaller flat cake took ~15 minutes to bake, larger bundt ~45, at a temperature somewhere around 200C; unclear due to broken oven.<br />
#* Flour and sugar amounts may have been double what was recorded due to misremembering sizes of measuring cups, or not. Made sense at the time.<br />
# Second attempt involved what turned out to be a failure to convert to SAE (american 'cups' are, apparently, quite large), resulting in much higher dry ingredient amounts than intended. Adding more spices meant there was still plenty of flavour, but neglecting to add more water or juice (added more butter and eggs instead) resulted in a cake caramelised (browned) all the way through that dried out somewhat quickly. Apparently we made a spice cake? Still surprisingly good, especially with some cream and/or vanilla sauce poured over it. Notes:<br />
#* Spice amounts doubled; also added cardamoms and cinnamon now that we had them.<br />
#* Skipped the baking powder (either because we forgot to get any, or it just seemed pointless with the oranges); used 5 spoons of soda instead, resulting in significantly more rise.<br />
#* Used 4-5 eggs, may have been more important with more rising agent, or not.<br />
#* Thoroughly browned cake was probably due to too much flour and possibly other primary dry ingredients without adding more actual ''water'', as sugars (especially fructose) will caramelise at lower temperatures than this when not buffered by water. Apparently. Definitely used too much flour, though. (Maybe 3 cups flour? lololol)<br />
# Third attempt resulted in a 'cake' seeping grease from every crevice that squelched when removed from pans or plates. A cake should not squelch. Remarkably good regardless, but calling this one a 'cake' just seems wrong somehow. More like a weird stacked baked pudding, if anything. Still not entirely sure what happened. Notes:<br />
#* Should have had way more flour. Possible explanations include mis-recording initial target (may have been 2dL measuring cups instead of 1dL or something), just plain mismeasuring this time (may have forgotten second scoop or misread units on current measuring cup), or just that throwing in six apples in a two-apple recipe has... consequences. Possibly all of the above.<br />
#* Used 6 apples, because apples are delicious. May explain need for extra flour, may also explain why if measurements of both were way off already, only the flour deficit would have stood out (apples provide their own sugar, so flavour was still fine). Does not sufficiently explain why flour deficit seemed so extreme.<br />
#* Added extra apple juice out of paranoia to avoid a second fully-caramelised cake; probably made insufficient flour issue even worse, but still doesn't seem to sufficiently explain the deficit. Just not enough flour. Nowhere near enough, probably not by an order of magnitude, but still a lot.<br />
#* Probably only used 2 eggs due to getting fed up with having to pick egg shells back out of it.<br />
#* Couldn't find baking soda, so tried to just use extra baking powder, but then misread and wound up with default amount. Should probably definitely be more when using only mixed powder, as baking powder is less soda to begin with and the oranges still would have covered the acid part, though in this case it likely didn't matter due to lack of flour.<br />
#* When removed from oven, cakes were essentially boiling in butter, which then seeped out from all sides. Placed cakes on plates lined with paper towels to out-grease as we would for fried foods, at which point the squelching began. No further outgreasing followed once cooled, nor unpleasant coagulation, but the squelching continued whenever a piece was removed from a surface.<br />
<br />
'''Miscellaneous:<br />
* Again, cakes should not squelch.<br />
* Sugar is what makes cakes moist, because it holds onto water. Flour holds onto oil, which also helps as it acts as a buffer to slow down the sugar drying out, but without sugar and water in some form (say, apples), you ''cannot make a moist cake''. Stop trying to pass off rocks as cake, health nuts. Use more apples or something. Or don't cake.<br />
* Water is what keeps sugar from caramelising, as dissolved sugar requires a far higher temperature to do so than dry. Cakes brown on the outside when the water evaporates regardless due to surface contact, or something.<br />
* Different kinds of sugars hold onto water differently, dissolve differently, and caramelise at different temperatures. Fructose appears to hold more water, but also requires more to not caramelise, as its default is a lower temperature. When in doubt, add more fruit, as it's usually an already well-balanced solution, and also delicious.<br />
* Starting to wonder if maybe I do know how to cook, considering how badly this keeps going while still turning out okay.<br />
<br />
[[category:recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Apple_cake&diff=4739Recipes/Apple cake2024-03-19T08:48:26Z<p>Apheori: This got sciency...</p>
<hr />
<div><br />
Nominally an apple cake, that through three attempts to make, has yielded no consistent results at all beyond edibility and unexpected tastiness (but never in the same way). Recipe was imprecisely recorded after the fact the first time after unexpectedly acceptable result despite use of a broken oven and just whatever ingredients we actually had on hand.<br />
<br />
Original recipe, maybe, is below. See notes.<br />
<br />
=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
* 1-2 apples (5-6 is better)<br />
* 1 banana (unnecessary, but we wanted to get rid of it)<br />
* 350 g butter<br />
* 1 dl orange juice (or ideally an orange or two)<br />
<br />
* 1 dl fructose (optional especially if you're putting in a lot apples/juice anyway, can also just use more regular sugar instead if needed)<br />
* 2 dl sugar<br />
* 50 ml maple sugar (or brown sugar) + a bit more to dust on top at end<br />
* 3 dl flour (or maybe twice that? unclear, too much incompetence, someone else who can actually use a measuring cup needs to test this)<br />
* 2-5 black peppercorns<br />
* 3-6 sweet peppercorns (allspice)<br />
* 1-2 cloves<br />
* 2 ml vanilla sugar<br />
* 3 ml baking powder<br />
* 1 ml baking soda (should probably be more like 5ml baking soda, baking powder optional)<br />
<br />
Later additions:<br />
* 2-4 eggs (optional?)<br />
* 4 cardamoms<br />
* 0.5-1 ml ground cinnamon<br />
* orange zest (lemon also works)<br />
* Extra apple or orange juice as needed if too dry (how do you tell? no idea, but if it is too dry, instead of keeping the cake moist, the sugar will turn the entire thing brown inside like burnt gingerbread, teetering on a very fine line between still tasty and absolute bleh)<br />
<br />
=== Process ===<br />
<br />
Heat oven to ~200C (maybe higher, unless it burns). Grease (and flour, if not nonstick) baking pan(s).<br />
<br />
Mash/grind whole spices, zest orange (if applicable), peel and dice apple(s). Mash in banana, mix in butter. Whisk together dry ingredients, then mix with wet when oven is ready, and pour/push into pan(s). Bake until done but not burnt; cake should no longer jiggle when tapped or stick when stabbed. (Timing depends on pans, temperatures, and how badly the measurements were messed up; anything from 15 minutes to an hour so far.)<br />
<br />
Dust with maple sugar if possible. Sop up excess butter leakage if necessary. Re-evaluate all of the above as needed, because this ain't right. Cakes should not squelch. Etc.<br />
<br />
'''Notes:<br />
# First attempt based loosely on zucchini bread (fruit quickbread cake)/pound cake proportions, but not recorded until after. Resulted in a surprisingly subtle golden cake that was browned on the outside and light and moist on the inside, and flaked apart easily while still generally holding shape in the meantime if cut with at least some amount of care. Some notes:<br />
#* Only had one apple and one banana and an orange juicebox, so kept spice amounts down accordingly, hence amount range on spices.<br />
#* Could probably have used more rising agent, as it did not rise much at all.<br />
#* No eggs were used as we never bothered to buy any. Apparently not necessary.<br />
#* Smaller flat cake took ~15 minutes to bake, larger bundt ~45, at a temperature somewhere around 200C; unclear due to broken oven.<br />
#* Flour and sugar amounts may have been double what was recorded due to misremembering sizes of measuring cups, or not. Made sense at the time.<br />
# Second attempt involved what turned out to be a failure to convert to SAE (american 'cups' are, apparently, quite large), resulting in much higher dry ingredient amounts than intended. Adding more spices meant there was still plenty of flavour, but neglecting to add more water or juice (added more butter and eggs instead) resulted in a cake caramelised (browned) all the way through that dried out somewhat quickly. Apparently we made a spice cake? Still surprisingly good, especially with some cream and/or vanilla sauce poured over it. Notes:<br />
#* Spice amounts doubled; also added cardamoms and cinnamon now that we had them.<br />
#* Skipped the baking powder (either because we forgot to get any, or it just seemed pointless with the oranges); used 5 spoons of soda instead, resulting in significantly more rise.<br />
#* Used 4-5 eggs, may have been more important with more rising agent, or not.<br />
#* Thoroughly browned cake was probably due to too much flour and possibly other primary dry ingredients without adding more actual ''water'', as sugars (especially fructose) will caramelise at lower temperatures than this when not buffered by water. Apparently. Definitely used too much flour, though. (Maybe 3 cups flour? lololol)<br />
# Third attempt resulted in a 'cake' seeping grease from every crevice that squelched when removed from pans or plates. A cake should not squelch. Remarkably good regardless, but calling this one a 'cake' just seems wrong somehow. More like a weird stacked baked pudding, if anything. Still not entirely sure what happened. Notes:<br />
#* Should have had way more flour. Possible explanations include mis-recording initial target (may have been 2dL measuring cups instead of 1dL or something), just plain mismeasuring this time (may have forgotten second scoop or misread units on current measuring cup), or just that throwing in six apples in a two-apple recipe has... consequences. Possibly all of the above.<br />
#* Used 6 apples, because apples are delicious. May explain need for extra flour, may also explain why if measurements of both were way off already, only the flour deficit would have stood out (apples provide their own sugar, so flavour was still fine). Does not sufficiently explain why flour deficit seemed so extreme.<br />
#* Added extra apple juice out of paranoia to avoid a second fully-caramelised cake; probably made insufficient flour issue even worse, but still doesn't seem to sufficiently explain the deficit. Just not enough flour. Nowhere near enough, probably not by an order of magnitude, but still a lot.<br />
#* Probably only used 2 eggs due to getting fed up with having to pick egg shells back out of it.<br />
#* Couldn't find baking soda, so tried to just use extra baking powder, but then misread and wound up with default amount. Should probably definitely be more when using only mixed powder, as baking powder is less soda to begin with and the oranges still would have covered the acid part, though in this case it likely didn't matter due to lack of flour.<br />
#* When removed from oven, cakes were essentially boiling in butter, which then seeped out from all sides. Placed cakes on plates lined with paper towels to out-grease as we would for fried foods, at which point the squelching began. No further outgreasing followed once cooled, nor unpleasant coagulation, but the squelching continued whenever a piece was removed from a surface.<br />
<br />
'''Miscellaneous:<br />
* Again, cakes should not squelch.<br />
* Sugar is what makes cakes moist, because it holds onto water. Flour holds onto oil, which also helps as it acts as a buffer to slow down the sugar drying out, but without sugar and water in some form (say, apples), you ''cannot make a moist cake''. Stop trying to pass off rocks as cake, health nuts. Use more apples or something. Or don't cake.<br />
* Water is what keeps sugar from caramelising, as dissolved sugar requires a far higher temperature to do so than dry. Cakes brown on the outside when the water evaporates regardless due to surface contact, or something.<br />
* Different kinds of sugars hold onto water differently, dissolve differently, and caramelise at different temperatures. Fructose appears to hold more water, but also requires more to not caramelise, as its default is a lower temperature. When in doubt, add more fruit, as it's usually an already well-balanced solution, and also delicious.<br />
* Starting to wonder if maybe I do know how to cook, considering how badly this keeps going while still turning out okay.<br />
<br />
[[category:recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Apple_cake&diff=4738Recipes/Apple cake2024-03-04T16:06:03Z<p>Apheori: fugg</p>
<hr />
<div><br />
Banana apple thing that turned out surprisingly moist and tasty, considering it was just the result of using whatever was on hand, and in a broken oven.<br />
<br />
=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
* 1-4 apples<br />
* 1 banana (optional)<br />
* 350g butter<br />
* 1dl orange juice or 1 orange + zest<br />
<br />
* 1dl fructose<br />
* 2dl sugar<br />
* 50ml maple sugar (or brown sugar or jaggery or whatever)<br />
* 3dl flour<br />
* 2 black peppercorns<br />
* 5 sweet peppercorns (allspice)<br />
* 3 cardamoms<br />
* 1 clove<br />
* 1ml cinnamon<br />
* 2ml vanilla sugar (or 0.5cm vanilla or 1ml vanilla extract)<br />
* 3ml baking powder<br />
* 1ml baking soda (or 5ml baking soda, no baking powder??)<br />
<br />
=== Process ===<br />
<br />
Heat oven to 175-225C (unclear exactly what temperature it should be due to questionable oven and subsequent even more questionable measuring).<br />
<br />
Mash spices, zest orange (if applicable), peel and dice apple(s). Mash in banana, mix in butter. Whisk together dry ingredients, then mix with wet when oven is ready, and pour/push into pan(s). Bbake until done but not burnt; cake should no longer jiggle when tapped. (Timing varies wildly depending on oven settings/type and pans used, anything from 15 minutes to an hour so far.)<br />
<br />
Dust with maple sugar.<br />
<br />
'''Notes:<br />
* Will likely hold together better with eggs, but clearly not necessary?<br />
* Can probably be made full-vegan by swapping the butter out for a can of coconut milk and ~1dl other oil? Preferably something liquid at room/fridge temp so it can't get as weird cold.<br />
* Definitely should probably maybe grease pans first so they come out better. Also probably flour if using weird shapes/not nonstick/not an entire pound of butter.<br />
* Messing up the proportions (when doing egg variant) resulted in a brown cake all the way through. Unclear exactly what we did due to total lack of actually doing any conversions and then subsequent multiple mixups with measuring cups. (How are 'cups' so big?! And teaspoons? Bonkers.) And other errors.<br />
* Possible sources of excessive caramelisation include: insufficient water (water impedes caramelisation, and we're not really adding any to begin with), traits of the various types of sugar (different clinginess to water, different base reactivity temperatures), overall acidity (more basic stuff seems to go sooner, and may perhaps vary wildly here due to fruit choice, use of baking powder vs baking soda, whatever), oven temperature used in the first place (which we still don't know). Brown cake is still fine, just... a rather different cake?<br />
* Didn't rise much with stated ingredients; if you want fluffier, can just use more baking soda. Unclear what the limit is due to poor measurements. (Based on brown cake, for unmeasured 1.5x-ish recipe, using 5ish tsp baking soda was fine, maybe, REALLY NOT SURE, LOST COUNT MID-MEASURE.)<br />
<br />
[[category:recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Apple_cake&diff=4737Recipes/Apple cake2024-03-04T15:26:01Z<p>Apheori: </p>
<hr />
<div><br />
Banana apple thing that turned out surprisingly moist and tasty, considering it was just the result of using whatever was on hand, and in a broken oven.<br />
<br />
=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
* 1-4 apples<br />
* 1 banana (optional)<br />
* 350g butter<br />
* 1dl orange juice or 1 orange + zest<br />
<br />
* 1dl fructose<br />
* 2dl sugar<br />
* 50ml maple sugar (or brown sugar or jaggery or whatever)<br />
* 3dl flour<br />
* 2 black peppercorns<br />
* 5 sweet peppercorns (allspice)<br />
* 3 cardamoms<br />
* 1 clove<br />
* 1ml cinnamon<br />
* 2ml vanilla sugar (or 0.5cm vanilla or 1ml vanilla extract)<br />
* 3ml baking powder<br />
* 1ml baking soda (or 5ml baking soda, no baking powder??)<br />
<br />
=== Process ===<br />
<br />
Heat oven to 175-225C (unclear exactly what temperature it should be due to questionable oven and subsequent even more questionable measuring).<br />
<br />
Mash spices, zest orange (if applicable), peel and dice apple(s). Mash in banana, mix in butter. Whisk together dry ingredients, then mix with wet when oven is ready, and pour/push into pan(s). Bbake until done but not burnt; cake should no longer jiggle when tapped. (Timing varies wildly depending on oven settings/type and pans used, anything from 15 minutes to an hour so far.)<br />
<br />
Dust with maple sugar.<br />
<br />
'''Notes:<br />
* Will likely hold together better with eggs, but clearly not necessary?<br />
* Can probably be made full-vegan by swapping the butter out for a can of coconut milk and ~1dl other oil? Preferably something liquid at room/fridge temp so it can't get as weird cold.<br />
* Definitely should probably maybe grease pans first so they come out better. Also probably flour if using weird shapes/not nonstick/not a fuckton of butter.<br />
* Messing up the proportions (when doing egg variant) resulted in a brown cake all the way through. Unclear exactly what we did due to total lack of of actually doing any conversions and then subsequent multiple mixups with measuring cups. (How are 'cups' so big?! And teaspoons? Bonkers.) May have also been oven temperature related, as we also messed that up.<br />
* Didn't rise much with stated ingredients; if you want fluffier, can just use more. Unclear what the limit is due to poor measurements. (Based on brown cake, for unmeasured 1.5x-ish recipe, using 5ish tsp baking soda was fine, maybe, REALLY NOT SURE, LOST COUNT MID-MEASURE.)<br />
<br />
[[category:recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Apple_cake&diff=4736Recipes/Apple cake2024-03-03T17:27:14Z<p>Apheori: UPDATES</p>
<hr />
<div><br />
Banana apple thing that turned out surprisingly moist and tasty, considering it was just the result of using whatever was on hand, and in a broken oven.<br />
<br />
=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
* 1-4 apples<br />
* 1 banana (optional)<br />
* 350g butter<br />
* 1dl orange juice or 1 orange + zest<br />
<br />
* 1dl fructose<br />
* 2dl sugar<br />
* 50ml maple sugar<br />
* 3dl flour<br />
* 2 black peppercorns<br />
* 5 sweet peppercorns (allspice)<br />
* 3 cardamoms<br />
* 1 clove<br />
* 1ml cinnamon<br />
* 2ml vanilla sugar OR 0.5cm vanilla OR 1ml vanilla extract<br />
* 3ml baking powder<br />
* 1ml baking soda (or 5ml baking soda, no baking powder??)<br />
<br />
=== Process ===<br />
<br />
Heat oven to 175-225C (unclear exactly what temperature it should be due to questionable oven and subsequent even more questionable measuring).<br />
<br />
Mash spices, zest orange (if applicable), peel and dice apple(s). Mash in banana, mix in butter. Whisk together dry ingredients, then mix with wet when oven is ready, and pour/push into pan(s). Bbake until done but not burnt; cake should no longer jiggle when tapped. (Timing varies wildly depending on oven settings/type and pans used, anything from 15 minutes to an hour so far.)<br />
<br />
Dust with maple sugar.<br />
<br />
'''Notes:<br />
* Will likely hold together better with eggs, but clearly not necessary?<br />
* Definitely should probably maybe grease flour pans first so they come out better. Also probably flour if using weird shapes/not nonstick.<br />
* Messing up the proportions (when doing egg variant) resulted in a brown cake all the way through. Unclear exactly what we did due to total lack of of actually doing any conversions and then subsequent multiple mixups with measuring cups. (How are 'cups' so big?! And teaspoons? Bonkers.)<br />
* More baking soda is apparently fine with this much butter and results in more rise? Maybe? (Based on brown cake, for unmeasured 1.5x-ish recipe, 5ish tsp baking soda, maybe, REALLY NOT SURE.)<br />
<br />
[[category:recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Apple_cake&diff=4735Recipes/Apple cake2024-02-27T19:04:03Z<p>Apheori: Cake!</p>
<hr />
<div>Banana apple thing that turned out surprisingly moist and tasty, considering it was just the result of using whatever was on hand, and in a broken oven.<br />
<br />
=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
* 1 apple<br />
* 1 banana<br />
* 350g butter<br />
* 1dl orange juice<br />
<br />
* 1dl fructose<br />
* 2dl sugar<br />
* 50ml maple sugar<br />
* 3dl flour<br />
* 2 black peppercorns<br />
* 5ish sweet peppercorns<br />
* 1 clove<br />
* 1ml kanela<br />
* 2ml vanilla sugar<br />
* 3ml baking powder<br />
* 1ml baking soda<br />
<br />
=== Process ===<br />
<br />
Heat oven to 200-225C (unclear exactly what temperature it really was due to questionable oven).<br />
<br />
Mash spices, peel and dice apple. Mash in banana, mix in butter, then mix in dry ingredients. Maybe try to overwork a bit to try to get flour to hold the thing together, if that's even a thing; butter will fight you the entire way regardless. Pour into pan(s), bake until done. (Up to half an hour depending on pan?)<br />
<br />
Dust with maple sugar.<br />
<br />
Notes:<br />
* Will likely hold together better with eggs, but apparently not necessary?<br />
* Definitely should probably grease and perhaps flour pans first so they come out more neatly.</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=File:Cerris.svg&diff=4734File:Cerris.svg2024-02-11T16:18:00Z<p>Apheori: Apheori uploaded a new version of File:Cerris.svg</p>
<hr />
<div>General map of Cerris. Is a round planet; just presented sans sensible projection due to projections being annoying. Land is generally accurate to itself, oceans not so much.<br />
<br />
[[Category:Maps]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=File:Potting_soil_tree.jpg&diff=4733File:Potting soil tree.jpg2024-01-19T15:20:25Z<p>Apheori: </p>
<hr />
<div>ARE YOU THE TREEEEEE?! How you've grown! Sorry I killed your brother.</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=File:Painted_figures.jpg&diff=4732File:Painted figures.jpg2024-01-19T15:16:41Z<p>Apheori: Uploaded a work by Various from Figures assembled from figures and parts by other artists with UploadWizard</p>
<hr />
<div>=={{int:filedesc}}==<br />
{{Information<br />
|description={{en|1=Some figures, holy crap my desk was a mess.}}<br />
|date=2015-04-18 12:00:13<br />
|source=Figures assembled from figures and parts by other artists<br />
|author=Various<br />
|permission=<br />
|other versions=<br />
}}<br />
<br />
=={{int:license-header}}==<br />
{{subst:Custom license marker added by UW}}<br />
You don't wanna reuse this, trust me.<br />
<br />
[[Category:Minis]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Gods_of_Arling_Tor&diff=4731Gods of Arling Tor2024-01-19T02:55:03Z<p>Apheori: /* Ord */</p>
<hr />
<div>The universe of [[Arling Tor]] is home to, among others, a somewhat more relevant pantheon of gods, who likely consider themselves to be incredibly important, and are widely worshipped on [[Cerris]], vaguely referenced in [[Ord]], and have varying levels of influence and control across the myriad other Torrian planes and planets beyond these realms.<br />
<br />
On Cerris, people tend to refer to the pantheon as a whole as either '''the Twelve''' or '''the Nine''', depending on whether or not they're including the, shall we say, more 'negative' gods in what they wish to invoke. Of the Twelve, all are Originals (of the 'Original Family' supposedly born of the creation of the universe) aside from Kyrule (born a mortal elf) and [[Source:Sarathi#Pantheon|Vitoi]] (wandered in from another universe and just kind of made himself at home). Sonmi is also arguably not one of the Originals; though there was a Sonmi born of the family, she was subsequently replaced by the [[White Reaper]], at the time an aspect of Kyrule, sort of, ish, even though this was technically before Kyrule even born.<ref>Nobody talks about this anyway, so it probably doesn't matter. Or does it?</ref> Because she maintained the name and position of the Original Sonmi when doing so, this detail is not widely known.<ref>Seriously nobody knows this outside the gods themselves. And even they don't seem to want to acknowledge it most of the time, might be they feel guilty after all now?</ref><br />
<br />
== The Twelve ==<br />
<br />
{| class="wikitable sortable" style="width: 100%"<br />
|-<br />
! God<br />
! Original Name<br />
! Other names/aspects<br />
! Domains<br />
|-<br />
||'''Alyre'''||Joy||Lara, Alynn, Bacquoi||love, passion, dance, beauty, cats<ref name="sonmi"/>, curiosity<ref name="sonmi">Taken from Sonmi as punishment after the White Reaper became her.</ref>, temptation, fertility, fountains<br />
|-<br />
||'''Azorres||Hope||Eiko, Adries||light<ref name="sonmi2"/>, life, healing, hope, patience, perseverance, new perspectives<ref name="sonmi2"/>, redemption<ref name="sonmi2"/>, beginnings<ref name="sonmi"/>, just generally being nice to each other<br />
|-<br />
||'''Brenn||Contentment||Brenna, Voi||simplicity, belonging, home, loyalty, propriety, culture, nobles, art, profit, tea, dogs<br />
|-<br />
||'''Djieka||Luck||Cheekah, Dis||chaos, disorder, luck, thieves, air, confusion, ignorance<ref name="sonmi"/>, unreasonable expectation, chronic paranoia, horses, stuff that just generally makes no sense<br />
|-<br />
||'''Kyrule||N/A||Kheris, Irin, Deathdealer, The Voice and the Hand, The Chicken God, Sexy Kyrule|| time<ref name="sonmi2">A gift from Sonmi.</ref>, judgement<ref name="ves">Was originally the domain of Veshura, who got fed up with the other gods' bullshit and quit as the god of death.</ref><ref name="eaph"/>, purpose<ref name="lash"/>, truth, free will, spirits<ref name="ves"/>, dreams<ref name="eaph">Was Eapherod's domain, but Kyrule killed her.</ref>, nightmares<ref name="eaph"/>, lies, masks, secrets<br />
|-<br />
||'''Lyria||Renewal||Lepaedi||nature, cycles, growth, decomposition, forests, agriculture, stuff that just generally goes on with or without you<br />
|-<br />
||'''Neiryo||Change||Nausica, Kikein, Nessis, Augh, Raven, The Maelstrom||water, oceans, pressure, storms, wisdom, riddles, cleverness, smart birds, discovery<ref name="sonmi"/>, weather in general<br />
|-<br />
||'''Orin||Conflict||Forble Sense, Lord of War, That Giant Asshole||war, battle, argument, victory, might, fire, justice<ref name="lash">Was Lashaliss Azall's domain, but Eapherod killed her.</ref>, courage<ref name="lash"/>, rage, aggressive animals, general dickishness<br />
|-<br />
||'''Roshar||Steadiness||Belotzi, Stone God||stone, strength, durability, slow process, digging creatures, reliability<ref name="lash"/>, construction<ref name="lash"/>, rocks, other rocks, all the rocks, geology in general<br />
|-<br />
||'''Sonmi||Curiosity||Ghauran, Gurasis, Tymor, Zachri, White Reaper||death<ref name="ves"/><ref name="eaph"/><ref name="kyr">Was supposed to be Kyrule's domain, but he either gave it to Sonmi, or possibly just didn't stop her from taking it instead.</ref>, destruction, torment, pain, fear, cruelty, hate, madness, loss, emptiness, paradoxes, endings<ref name="ves"/><ref name="kyr"/>, respite, release<br />
|-<br />
||'''Veshura||Death||Zeahne, Mishra, Öjra, The Void, The Ungodly Light||power, revenge, knowledge, magic, space and shit, ambition, debts, undeath, eternities, those absolutely-terrifyingly-tiny wasps and other such horrors of evolution<br />
|-<br />
||'''Vitoi||N/A||Hazz'ridan, The Loss||ultimate failure, frustration, weariness, dead ends, unfinished business, procrastination, indignation, stupid birds, dead moths, monotony, absence, darkness, anything that's nearing extinction<br />
|-<br />
|}<br />
<br />
While we've previously attempted to assign alignments according to what the general populace tend to believe, these weren't exactly accurate to the nature of the gods themselves, and just plain confusing to boot. For the most part, they're all fairly nice/neutral, aside from that one who really is just an outright dick. Some will certainly return the favour if you start something, however.<br />
<br />
It is also worth noting that some of the gods' Original Names have kinda been passed around like hot potatoes over the entirety of their existence, which is to say very, very occasionally they might trade, aside from a few exceptional incidents:<br />
* Sonmi, when the White Reaper became her, was cursed and forcibly renamed Torment by the other gods, just to punish her for the sheer audacity of a mortal daring to take the place of a god. Eventually they did finally work out how completely insane that was, though it really should not have taken them that long considering their sister Justice would have been heavily against it from the start. Oops.<br />
* At some point Veshura got absolutely fed up with the other gods' expectations as to what Death should be and do, and just up and abdicated. This caused more than a few problems, before Eapherod (an interloper posing as a mortal) and Kyrule (an actual mortal at the time) finally hunted it down and took the name themselves. Which caused other problems, but at least the other gods didn't flip out this time and curse them too. Progress!<br />
* When Lashaliss Azall was killed, her name of Justice was corrupted. Unclear how nobody seemed to notice this considering what an absolute gobshite Justice Orin turned out to be. They were all reeling a bit, though.<br />
* Eapherod had already given Kyrule (her half of?) the Death name before he killed her, or that never would have even worked. Then he traded Death for Time with Sonmi, because she'd suggested this might be less painful? Where'd he get the Secrets name, though?!<br />
<br />
These also weren't their ''only'' names, even from the start, and they would have just kept adding more as they appeared. Some of these smaller names would have really convoluted things, such as whoever was Lies, they probably got ''around''. When the Originals finally adopted less literal names, it might have just been because they ones they were had gotten too big.<br />
<br />
For further confusion:<br />
* Sonmi was never Time. Time was the name the White Reaper had plucked when she and the Originals had all first taken their Names, and thus she was able to keep it as well even when Sonmi was renamed. (How'd she get there in the first place? Maybe she went and plucked 'Temporal Paradoxes' in the future first, who knows.)<br />
* Despite her masks, Sonmi/the White Reaper tends to be most commonly aligned with Azorres and Kyrule, and usually just has them do/take credit for anything public-facing in order to circumvent certain other details of her curse.<br />
* Azorres and Kyrule somehow seem to have wound up with a number of roughly the same Names (inverted, but does that really mean anything with gods?) and ostensibly mostly have exactly the same goals, despite their followers' constantly clashing. Mostly it's an approach thing, but they do try to stress that both approaches are kind of needed anyway.<br />
* It's not even clear how Vitoi took his Names, or if he did at all. Maybe he just showed up and the names instead crawled out of the pool and found him? How did he even get there? What even is he? Eh.<br />
* While Veshura and Vitoi generally present as not overtly caring one way or the other about most such things, they're both pretty big on their own particular flavours of poetic justice. Possibly just because they find it absolutely hilarious. The problem is after Original Justice died, this usually winds up still being more just than the nonsense Orin tends to come up with.<br />
* Orin is just an absolute dick, possibly because he took his sister's death really badly, or possibly because he was all along. Sometimes his injustices are so bad that even Kyrule winds up having to take matters into his own hands to ensure something even remotely resembling true justice occurs in the End. Even if it turns out to be reinstating whatever Veshura or Vitoi already came up with.<br />
<br />
== Aspects and other gods ==<br />
<br />
Other gods and spirits are also revered outside of the Twelve. Some are much smaller, either existing only locally, or with limited followers, and are not widely known, but many of these serve the Twelve themselves. Others, not so much, and may only have limited dealings with mortals themselves.<br />
<br />
Those who serve the Twelve may exist as their own entities, or present themselves as various aspects and avatars, for reasons. Alyre, for instance, is widely regarded to include cats within her domains, but her aspect Lara is also revered as a goddess of cats specifically. Other smaller gods and spirits, including local guardian gods, will also present as distinct entities, but often fall under the umbrella of one or more of the twelve, and may be used interchangeably in some regions and religions. That nonsense that went down in Ord, on the other hand, is just something else entirely.<br />
<br />
Other gods, such as Daru, the All-Father to the Original Family, may exist<ref>He totally exists, and is an even bigger dick than Orin, somehow.</ref> beyond this, but do not feature in any mortal religion due to having no dealings with them, because he kind of really despises them.<br />
<br />
== Ord ==<br />
<br />
Historically, Ordian religion has largely been based around the [[Chitiritas]] Ancestor spirits rather than any gods. When the elves migrated from the sister realm of Cerris in the [[Exodus]], they brought their religion, and their gods, with them, but an accord (known properly as '[[The Accords]]' to make it sound more important when historians and theologians mention it) was made with the locals to limit what these new gods could do to 'try to keep them from mucking too much up' or some such. And being elves, they didn't really care and were kind of fine with whatever, within reason.<br />
<br />
Per the Accords, only Azorres, Kyrule, and Veshura are allowed to directly intervene in Ordian affairs. Despite this, none of them really do much in practice either:<br />
<br />
* Azorres enjoys some popularity simply for being a 'generally good sort', whose domains translate fairly well into organised religion, but the religions themselves still tend to be more of an excuse to hold social events than anything truly meaningful.<br />
* Veshura is sometimes subject to random cults, but does little to encourage it beyond occasionally showing up and humouring her cultists with at times rather ridiculous powers, typically right before the cult would have fallen apart naturally anyway.<br />
* Kyrule mostly leaves Ord be on the religion-side and relegates managing matters of the dead to the [[Reapers]], unbound spirits originally created by the Ancestors to gather up other unwilling and lost spirits. Then that nonsense went down where he created two new aspects of Death:<br />
*# The Chicken God: a distributed [[Classification of god-forms|god-form entity]] that mostly exists memetically within social media, that, due to an excess of undirected belief<ref>Is winding up with a Chicken God better or worse than an Oh God of hangovers? Who knows, but it would totally get the reference. It gets all the references. It probably speaks exclusively in references. Except when it doesn't. Because consistency is not what it's about.</ref>, may quite possibly be the most powerful divine being in all of Arling Tor. <br />
*# Sexy Kyrule: Kyrule, but sexy. Huge hit, instantly popular, after an avatar of Kyrule challenged the Chicken God to a duel on social media - in a ring of jello, wearing their sexiest bikinis, armed only with giant slabs of tofu - not realising she was still logged in as Kyrule. And then had to go do it when the Chicken God obviously accepted, just on principle.<br />
<br />
This match was streamed everywhere. People were amazed. Awed. Inspired. Baffled. Disgusted. Very, very confused. Frankly just glad that this time, Kyrule randomly actually showing up in Ord wasn't to stop another chicken-spawning fork-bomb, but rather something not so world-ending after all? Which is also something that had previously happened. Possibly why he'd even have a social media login at all now.<br />
<br />
Ord is weird.<br />
<br />
== Notes and references ==<br />
<br />
<references/> <br />
<br />
[[Category:Gods]]<br />
[[Category:Let's randomly pretend this is an encyclopedia]]<br />
[[Category:Arling Tor]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Gods_of_Arling_Tor&diff=4730Gods of Arling Tor2024-01-19T02:54:32Z<p>Apheori: /* Ord */ Ord is weird.</p>
<hr />
<div>The universe of [[Arling Tor]] is home to, among others, a somewhat more relevant pantheon of gods, who likely consider themselves to be incredibly important, and are widely worshipped on [[Cerris]], vaguely referenced in [[Ord]], and have varying levels of influence and control across the myriad other Torrian planes and planets beyond these realms.<br />
<br />
On Cerris, people tend to refer to the pantheon as a whole as either '''the Twelve''' or '''the Nine''', depending on whether or not they're including the, shall we say, more 'negative' gods in what they wish to invoke. Of the Twelve, all are Originals (of the 'Original Family' supposedly born of the creation of the universe) aside from Kyrule (born a mortal elf) and [[Source:Sarathi#Pantheon|Vitoi]] (wandered in from another universe and just kind of made himself at home). Sonmi is also arguably not one of the Originals; though there was a Sonmi born of the family, she was subsequently replaced by the [[White Reaper]], at the time an aspect of Kyrule, sort of, ish, even though this was technically before Kyrule even born.<ref>Nobody talks about this anyway, so it probably doesn't matter. Or does it?</ref> Because she maintained the name and position of the Original Sonmi when doing so, this detail is not widely known.<ref>Seriously nobody knows this outside the gods themselves. And even they don't seem to want to acknowledge it most of the time, might be they feel guilty after all now?</ref><br />
<br />
== The Twelve ==<br />
<br />
{| class="wikitable sortable" style="width: 100%"<br />
|-<br />
! God<br />
! Original Name<br />
! Other names/aspects<br />
! Domains<br />
|-<br />
||'''Alyre'''||Joy||Lara, Alynn, Bacquoi||love, passion, dance, beauty, cats<ref name="sonmi"/>, curiosity<ref name="sonmi">Taken from Sonmi as punishment after the White Reaper became her.</ref>, temptation, fertility, fountains<br />
|-<br />
||'''Azorres||Hope||Eiko, Adries||light<ref name="sonmi2"/>, life, healing, hope, patience, perseverance, new perspectives<ref name="sonmi2"/>, redemption<ref name="sonmi2"/>, beginnings<ref name="sonmi"/>, just generally being nice to each other<br />
|-<br />
||'''Brenn||Contentment||Brenna, Voi||simplicity, belonging, home, loyalty, propriety, culture, nobles, art, profit, tea, dogs<br />
|-<br />
||'''Djieka||Luck||Cheekah, Dis||chaos, disorder, luck, thieves, air, confusion, ignorance<ref name="sonmi"/>, unreasonable expectation, chronic paranoia, horses, stuff that just generally makes no sense<br />
|-<br />
||'''Kyrule||N/A||Kheris, Irin, Deathdealer, The Voice and the Hand, The Chicken God, Sexy Kyrule|| time<ref name="sonmi2">A gift from Sonmi.</ref>, judgement<ref name="ves">Was originally the domain of Veshura, who got fed up with the other gods' bullshit and quit as the god of death.</ref><ref name="eaph"/>, purpose<ref name="lash"/>, truth, free will, spirits<ref name="ves"/>, dreams<ref name="eaph">Was Eapherod's domain, but Kyrule killed her.</ref>, nightmares<ref name="eaph"/>, lies, masks, secrets<br />
|-<br />
||'''Lyria||Renewal||Lepaedi||nature, cycles, growth, decomposition, forests, agriculture, stuff that just generally goes on with or without you<br />
|-<br />
||'''Neiryo||Change||Nausica, Kikein, Nessis, Augh, Raven, The Maelstrom||water, oceans, pressure, storms, wisdom, riddles, cleverness, smart birds, discovery<ref name="sonmi"/>, weather in general<br />
|-<br />
||'''Orin||Conflict||Forble Sense, Lord of War, That Giant Asshole||war, battle, argument, victory, might, fire, justice<ref name="lash">Was Lashaliss Azall's domain, but Eapherod killed her.</ref>, courage<ref name="lash"/>, rage, aggressive animals, general dickishness<br />
|-<br />
||'''Roshar||Steadiness||Belotzi, Stone God||stone, strength, durability, slow process, digging creatures, reliability<ref name="lash"/>, construction<ref name="lash"/>, rocks, other rocks, all the rocks, geology in general<br />
|-<br />
||'''Sonmi||Curiosity||Ghauran, Gurasis, Tymor, Zachri, White Reaper||death<ref name="ves"/><ref name="eaph"/><ref name="kyr">Was supposed to be Kyrule's domain, but he either gave it to Sonmi, or possibly just didn't stop her from taking it instead.</ref>, destruction, torment, pain, fear, cruelty, hate, madness, loss, emptiness, paradoxes, endings<ref name="ves"/><ref name="kyr"/>, respite, release<br />
|-<br />
||'''Veshura||Death||Zeahne, Mishra, Öjra, The Void, The Ungodly Light||power, revenge, knowledge, magic, space and shit, ambition, debts, undeath, eternities, those absolutely-terrifyingly-tiny wasps and other such horrors of evolution<br />
|-<br />
||'''Vitoi||N/A||Hazz'ridan, The Loss||ultimate failure, frustration, weariness, dead ends, unfinished business, procrastination, indignation, stupid birds, dead moths, monotony, absence, darkness, anything that's nearing extinction<br />
|-<br />
|}<br />
<br />
While we've previously attempted to assign alignments according to what the general populace tend to believe, these weren't exactly accurate to the nature of the gods themselves, and just plain confusing to boot. For the most part, they're all fairly nice/neutral, aside from that one who really is just an outright dick. Some will certainly return the favour if you start something, however.<br />
<br />
It is also worth noting that some of the gods' Original Names have kinda been passed around like hot potatoes over the entirety of their existence, which is to say very, very occasionally they might trade, aside from a few exceptional incidents:<br />
* Sonmi, when the White Reaper became her, was cursed and forcibly renamed Torment by the other gods, just to punish her for the sheer audacity of a mortal daring to take the place of a god. Eventually they did finally work out how completely insane that was, though it really should not have taken them that long considering their sister Justice would have been heavily against it from the start. Oops.<br />
* At some point Veshura got absolutely fed up with the other gods' expectations as to what Death should be and do, and just up and abdicated. This caused more than a few problems, before Eapherod (an interloper posing as a mortal) and Kyrule (an actual mortal at the time) finally hunted it down and took the name themselves. Which caused other problems, but at least the other gods didn't flip out this time and curse them too. Progress!<br />
* When Lashaliss Azall was killed, her name of Justice was corrupted. Unclear how nobody seemed to notice this considering what an absolute gobshite Justice Orin turned out to be. They were all reeling a bit, though.<br />
* Eapherod had already given Kyrule (her half of?) the Death name before he killed her, or that never would have even worked. Then he traded Death for Time with Sonmi, because she'd suggested this might be less painful? Where'd he get the Secrets name, though?!<br />
<br />
These also weren't their ''only'' names, even from the start, and they would have just kept adding more as they appeared. Some of these smaller names would have really convoluted things, such as whoever was Lies, they probably got ''around''. When the Originals finally adopted less literal names, it might have just been because they ones they were had gotten too big.<br />
<br />
For further confusion:<br />
* Sonmi was never Time. Time was the name the White Reaper had plucked when she and the Originals had all first taken their Names, and thus she was able to keep it as well even when Sonmi was renamed. (How'd she get there in the first place? Maybe she went and plucked 'Temporal Paradoxes' in the future first, who knows.)<br />
* Despite her masks, Sonmi/the White Reaper tends to be most commonly aligned with Azorres and Kyrule, and usually just has them do/take credit for anything public-facing in order to circumvent certain other details of her curse.<br />
* Azorres and Kyrule somehow seem to have wound up with a number of roughly the same Names (inverted, but does that really mean anything with gods?) and ostensibly mostly have exactly the same goals, despite their followers' constantly clashing. Mostly it's an approach thing, but they do try to stress that both approaches are kind of needed anyway.<br />
* It's not even clear how Vitoi took his Names, or if he did at all. Maybe he just showed up and the names instead crawled out of the pool and found him? How did he even get there? What even is he? Eh.<br />
* While Veshura and Vitoi generally present as not overtly caring one way or the other about most such things, they're both pretty big on their own particular flavours of poetic justice. Possibly just because they find it absolutely hilarious. The problem is after Original Justice died, this usually winds up still being more just than the nonsense Orin tends to come up with.<br />
* Orin is just an absolute dick, possibly because he took his sister's death really badly, or possibly because he was all along. Sometimes his injustices are so bad that even Kyrule winds up having to take matters into his own hands to ensure something even remotely resembling true justice occurs in the End. Even if it turns out to be reinstating whatever Veshura or Vitoi already came up with.<br />
<br />
== Aspects and other gods ==<br />
<br />
Other gods and spirits are also revered outside of the Twelve. Some are much smaller, either existing only locally, or with limited followers, and are not widely known, but many of these serve the Twelve themselves. Others, not so much, and may only have limited dealings with mortals themselves.<br />
<br />
Those who serve the Twelve may exist as their own entities, or present themselves as various aspects and avatars, for reasons. Alyre, for instance, is widely regarded to include cats within her domains, but her aspect Lara is also revered as a goddess of cats specifically. Other smaller gods and spirits, including local guardian gods, will also present as distinct entities, but often fall under the umbrella of one or more of the twelve, and may be used interchangeably in some regions and religions. That nonsense that went down in Ord, on the other hand, is just something else entirely.<br />
<br />
Other gods, such as Daru, the All-Father to the Original Family, may exist<ref>He totally exists, and is an even bigger dick than Orin, somehow.</ref> beyond this, but do not feature in any mortal religion due to having no dealings with them, because he kind of really despises them.<br />
<br />
== Ord ==<br />
<br />
Historically, Ordian religion has largely been based around the [[Chitiritas]] Ancestor spirits rather than any gods. When the elves migrated from the sister realm of Cerris in the [[Exodus]], they brought their religion, and their gods, with them, but an accord (known properly as '[[The Accords]]' to make it sound more important when historians and theologians mention it) was made with the locals to limit what these new gods could do to 'try to keep them from mucking too much up' or some such. And being elves, they didn't really care and were kind of fine with whatever, within reason.<br />
<br />
Per the Accords, only Azorres, Kyrule, and Veshura are allowed to directly intervene in Ordian affairs. Despite this, none of them really do much in practice either:<br />
<br />
* Azorres enjoys some popularity simply for being a 'generally good sort', whose domains translate fairly well into organised religion, but the religions themselves still tend to be more of an excuse to hold social events than anything truly meaningful.<br />
* Veshura is sometimes subject to random cults, but does little to encourage it beyond occasionally showing up and humouring her cultists with at times rather ridiculous powers, typically right before the cult would have fallen apart naturally anyway.<br />
* Kyrule mostly leaves Ord be on the religion-side and relegates managing matters of the dead to the [[Reapers]], unbound spirits originally created by the Ancestors to gather up other unwilling and lost spirits. Then that nonsense went down where he created two new aspects of Death:<br />
*# The Chicken God: a distributed [[Classification of god-forms|god-form entity]] that mostly exists memetically within social media, that, due to an excess of undirected belief<ref>Is winding up with a Chicken God better or worse than an Oh God of hangovers? Who knows, but it would totally get the reference. It gets all the references. It probably speaks exclusively in references. Except when it doesn't. Because consistency is not what it's about.</ref>, may quite possibly be the most powerful divine being in all of Arling Tor. <br />
*# Sexy Kyrule: Kyrule, but sexy. Huge hit, instantly popular, after an avatar of Kyrule challenged the Chicken God to a duel on social media - in a ring of jello, wearing their sexiest bikinis, armed only with giant slabs of tofu - not realising she was still logged in as Kyrule. And then had to go do it, just on principle.<br />
<br />
This match was streamed everywhere. People were amazed. Awed. Inspired. Baffled. Disgusted. Very, very confused. Frankly just glad that this time, Kyrule randomly actually showing up in Ord wasn't to stop another chicken-spawning fork-bomb, but rather something not so world-ending after all? Which is also something that had previously happened. Possibly why he'd even have a social media login at all now.<br />
<br />
Ord is weird.<br />
<br />
== Notes and references ==<br />
<br />
<references/> <br />
<br />
[[Category:Gods]]<br />
[[Category:Let's randomly pretend this is an encyclopedia]]<br />
[[Category:Arling Tor]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Gods_of_Arling_Tor&diff=4729Gods of Arling Tor2024-01-19T02:46:45Z<p>Apheori: /* The Twelve */ lololol</p>
<hr />
<div>The universe of [[Arling Tor]] is home to, among others, a somewhat more relevant pantheon of gods, who likely consider themselves to be incredibly important, and are widely worshipped on [[Cerris]], vaguely referenced in [[Ord]], and have varying levels of influence and control across the myriad other Torrian planes and planets beyond these realms.<br />
<br />
On Cerris, people tend to refer to the pantheon as a whole as either '''the Twelve''' or '''the Nine''', depending on whether or not they're including the, shall we say, more 'negative' gods in what they wish to invoke. Of the Twelve, all are Originals (of the 'Original Family' supposedly born of the creation of the universe) aside from Kyrule (born a mortal elf) and [[Source:Sarathi#Pantheon|Vitoi]] (wandered in from another universe and just kind of made himself at home). Sonmi is also arguably not one of the Originals; though there was a Sonmi born of the family, she was subsequently replaced by the [[White Reaper]], at the time an aspect of Kyrule, sort of, ish, even though this was technically before Kyrule even born.<ref>Nobody talks about this anyway, so it probably doesn't matter. Or does it?</ref> Because she maintained the name and position of the Original Sonmi when doing so, this detail is not widely known.<ref>Seriously nobody knows this outside the gods themselves. And even they don't seem to want to acknowledge it most of the time, might be they feel guilty after all now?</ref><br />
<br />
== The Twelve ==<br />
<br />
{| class="wikitable sortable" style="width: 100%"<br />
|-<br />
! God<br />
! Original Name<br />
! Other names/aspects<br />
! Domains<br />
|-<br />
||'''Alyre'''||Joy||Lara, Alynn, Bacquoi||love, passion, dance, beauty, cats<ref name="sonmi"/>, curiosity<ref name="sonmi">Taken from Sonmi as punishment after the White Reaper became her.</ref>, temptation, fertility, fountains<br />
|-<br />
||'''Azorres||Hope||Eiko, Adries||light<ref name="sonmi2"/>, life, healing, hope, patience, perseverance, new perspectives<ref name="sonmi2"/>, redemption<ref name="sonmi2"/>, beginnings<ref name="sonmi"/>, just generally being nice to each other<br />
|-<br />
||'''Brenn||Contentment||Brenna, Voi||simplicity, belonging, home, loyalty, propriety, culture, nobles, art, profit, tea, dogs<br />
|-<br />
||'''Djieka||Luck||Cheekah, Dis||chaos, disorder, luck, thieves, air, confusion, ignorance<ref name="sonmi"/>, unreasonable expectation, chronic paranoia, horses, stuff that just generally makes no sense<br />
|-<br />
||'''Kyrule||N/A||Kheris, Irin, Deathdealer, The Voice and the Hand, The Chicken God, Sexy Kyrule|| time<ref name="sonmi2">A gift from Sonmi.</ref>, judgement<ref name="ves">Was originally the domain of Veshura, who got fed up with the other gods' bullshit and quit as the god of death.</ref><ref name="eaph"/>, purpose<ref name="lash"/>, truth, free will, spirits<ref name="ves"/>, dreams<ref name="eaph">Was Eapherod's domain, but Kyrule killed her.</ref>, nightmares<ref name="eaph"/>, lies, masks, secrets<br />
|-<br />
||'''Lyria||Renewal||Lepaedi||nature, cycles, growth, decomposition, forests, agriculture, stuff that just generally goes on with or without you<br />
|-<br />
||'''Neiryo||Change||Nausica, Kikein, Nessis, Augh, Raven, The Maelstrom||water, oceans, pressure, storms, wisdom, riddles, cleverness, smart birds, discovery<ref name="sonmi"/>, weather in general<br />
|-<br />
||'''Orin||Conflict||Forble Sense, Lord of War, That Giant Asshole||war, battle, argument, victory, might, fire, justice<ref name="lash">Was Lashaliss Azall's domain, but Eapherod killed her.</ref>, courage<ref name="lash"/>, rage, aggressive animals, general dickishness<br />
|-<br />
||'''Roshar||Steadiness||Belotzi, Stone God||stone, strength, durability, slow process, digging creatures, reliability<ref name="lash"/>, construction<ref name="lash"/>, rocks, other rocks, all the rocks, geology in general<br />
|-<br />
||'''Sonmi||Curiosity||Ghauran, Gurasis, Tymor, Zachri, White Reaper||death<ref name="ves"/><ref name="eaph"/><ref name="kyr">Was supposed to be Kyrule's domain, but he either gave it to Sonmi, or possibly just didn't stop her from taking it instead.</ref>, destruction, torment, pain, fear, cruelty, hate, madness, loss, emptiness, paradoxes, endings<ref name="ves"/><ref name="kyr"/>, respite, release<br />
|-<br />
||'''Veshura||Death||Zeahne, Mishra, Öjra, The Void, The Ungodly Light||power, revenge, knowledge, magic, space and shit, ambition, debts, undeath, eternities, those absolutely-terrifyingly-tiny wasps and other such horrors of evolution<br />
|-<br />
||'''Vitoi||N/A||Hazz'ridan, The Loss||ultimate failure, frustration, weariness, dead ends, unfinished business, procrastination, indignation, stupid birds, dead moths, monotony, absence, darkness, anything that's nearing extinction<br />
|-<br />
|}<br />
<br />
While we've previously attempted to assign alignments according to what the general populace tend to believe, these weren't exactly accurate to the nature of the gods themselves, and just plain confusing to boot. For the most part, they're all fairly nice/neutral, aside from that one who really is just an outright dick. Some will certainly return the favour if you start something, however.<br />
<br />
It is also worth noting that some of the gods' Original Names have kinda been passed around like hot potatoes over the entirety of their existence, which is to say very, very occasionally they might trade, aside from a few exceptional incidents:<br />
* Sonmi, when the White Reaper became her, was cursed and forcibly renamed Torment by the other gods, just to punish her for the sheer audacity of a mortal daring to take the place of a god. Eventually they did finally work out how completely insane that was, though it really should not have taken them that long considering their sister Justice would have been heavily against it from the start. Oops.<br />
* At some point Veshura got absolutely fed up with the other gods' expectations as to what Death should be and do, and just up and abdicated. This caused more than a few problems, before Eapherod (an interloper posing as a mortal) and Kyrule (an actual mortal at the time) finally hunted it down and took the name themselves. Which caused other problems, but at least the other gods didn't flip out this time and curse them too. Progress!<br />
* When Lashaliss Azall was killed, her name of Justice was corrupted. Unclear how nobody seemed to notice this considering what an absolute gobshite Justice Orin turned out to be. They were all reeling a bit, though.<br />
* Eapherod had already given Kyrule (her half of?) the Death name before he killed her, or that never would have even worked. Then he traded Death for Time with Sonmi, because she'd suggested this might be less painful? Where'd he get the Secrets name, though?!<br />
<br />
These also weren't their ''only'' names, even from the start, and they would have just kept adding more as they appeared. Some of these smaller names would have really convoluted things, such as whoever was Lies, they probably got ''around''. When the Originals finally adopted less literal names, it might have just been because they ones they were had gotten too big.<br />
<br />
For further confusion:<br />
* Sonmi was never Time. Time was the name the White Reaper had plucked when she and the Originals had all first taken their Names, and thus she was able to keep it as well even when Sonmi was renamed. (How'd she get there in the first place? Maybe she went and plucked 'Temporal Paradoxes' in the future first, who knows.)<br />
* Despite her masks, Sonmi/the White Reaper tends to be most commonly aligned with Azorres and Kyrule, and usually just has them do/take credit for anything public-facing in order to circumvent certain other details of her curse.<br />
* Azorres and Kyrule somehow seem to have wound up with a number of roughly the same Names (inverted, but does that really mean anything with gods?) and ostensibly mostly have exactly the same goals, despite their followers' constantly clashing. Mostly it's an approach thing, but they do try to stress that both approaches are kind of needed anyway.<br />
* It's not even clear how Vitoi took his Names, or if he did at all. Maybe he just showed up and the names instead crawled out of the pool and found him? How did he even get there? What even is he? Eh.<br />
* While Veshura and Vitoi generally present as not overtly caring one way or the other about most such things, they're both pretty big on their own particular flavours of poetic justice. Possibly just because they find it absolutely hilarious. The problem is after Original Justice died, this usually winds up still being more just than the nonsense Orin tends to come up with.<br />
* Orin is just an absolute dick, possibly because he took his sister's death really badly, or possibly because he was all along. Sometimes his injustices are so bad that even Kyrule winds up having to take matters into his own hands to ensure something even remotely resembling true justice occurs in the End. Even if it turns out to be reinstating whatever Veshura or Vitoi already came up with.<br />
<br />
== Aspects and other gods ==<br />
<br />
Other gods and spirits are also revered outside of the Twelve. Some are much smaller, either existing only locally, or with limited followers, and are not widely known, but many of these serve the Twelve themselves. Others, not so much, and may only have limited dealings with mortals themselves.<br />
<br />
Those who serve the Twelve may exist as their own entities, or present themselves as various aspects and avatars, for reasons. Alyre, for instance, is widely regarded to include cats within her domains, but her aspect Lara is also revered as a goddess of cats specifically. Other smaller gods and spirits, including local guardian gods, will also present as distinct entities, but often fall under the umbrella of one or more of the twelve, and may be used interchangeably in some regions and religions. That nonsense that went down in Ord, on the other hand, is just something else entirely.<br />
<br />
Other gods, such as Daru, the All-Father to the Original Family, may exist<ref>He totally exists, and is an even bigger dick than Orin, somehow.</ref> beyond this, but do not feature in any mortal religion due to having no dealings with them, because he kind of really despises them.<br />
<br />
== Ord ==<br />
<br />
Historically, Ordian religion has largely been based around the [[Chitiritas]] Ancestor spirits rather than any gods. When the elves migrated from the sister realm of Cerris in the [[Exodus]], they brought their religion, and their gods, with them, but an accord (known properly as '[[The Accords]]' to make it sound more important when historians and theologians mention it) was made with the locals to limit what these new gods could do to 'try to keep them from mucking too much up' or some such. Being elves, they didn't really care and were kind of fine with whatever, within reason.<br />
<br />
Per the Accords, only Azorres, Kyrule, and Veshura are allowed to directly intervene in Ordian affairs. Despite this, none of them really do much in practice either:<br />
<br />
* Azorres enjoys some popularity simply for being a 'generally good sort', whose domains translate fairly well into organised religion, but the religions themselves still tend to be more of an excuse to hold social events than anything truly meaningful.<br />
* Veshura is sometimes subject to random cults, but does little to encourage it beyond occasionally showing up and humouring her cultists with at times rather ridiculous powers, typically right before the cult would have fallen apart naturally anyway.<br />
* Kyrule mostly leaves Ord be on the religion-side and relegates managing matters of the dead to the [[Reapers]], unbound spirits originally created by the Ancestors to gather up other unwilling and lost spirits. Then that nonsense went down where he created two new aspects of Death:<br />
*# The Chicken God: a distributed [[Classification of god-forms|god-form entity]] that mostly exists memetically within social media, that, due to an excess of undirected belief<ref>Is winding up with a Chicken God better or worse than an Oh God of hangovers? Who knows, but it would totally get the reference. It gets all the references. It probably speaks exclusively in references. Except when it doesn't. Because consistency is not what it's about.</ref>, may quite possibly be the most powerful divine being in all of Arling Tor. <br />
*# Sexy Kyrule: Kyrule, but sexy. Huge hit, instantly popular, when an avatar accidentally challenged the Chicken God to a duel, in a ring of jello, wearing their best bikinis, armed only with giant slabs of tofu... not realising she was still logged in on social media as Kyrule. And then had to go do it, just on principle.<br />
<br />
This match was streamed everywhere. People were amazed. Awed. Inspired. Baffled. Disgusted. Very, very confused. Frankly just glad that this time, Kyrule randomly actually showing up in Ord isn't to stop another chicken-spawning fork-bomb, but something not so world-ending after all? Yeah, that also happened. Might be why he'd even had a social media login at this point to begin with?<br />
<br />
Ord is weird.<br />
<br />
== Notes and references ==<br />
<br />
<references/> <br />
<br />
[[Category:Gods]]<br />
[[Category:Let's randomly pretend this is an encyclopedia]]<br />
[[Category:Arling Tor]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Gods_of_Arling_Tor&diff=4728Gods of Arling Tor2024-01-19T02:36:23Z<p>Apheori: /* The Twelve */</p>
<hr />
<div>The universe of [[Arling Tor]] is home to, among others, a somewhat more relevant pantheon of gods, who likely consider themselves to be incredibly important, and are widely worshipped on [[Cerris]], vaguely referenced in [[Ord]], and have varying levels of influence and control across the myriad other Torrian planes and planets beyond these realms.<br />
<br />
On Cerris, people tend to refer to the pantheon as a whole as either '''the Twelve''' or '''the Nine''', depending on whether or not they're including the, shall we say, more 'negative' gods in what they wish to invoke. Of the Twelve, all are Originals (of the 'Original Family' supposedly born of the creation of the universe) aside from Kyrule (born a mortal elf) and [[Source:Sarathi#Pantheon|Vitoi]] (wandered in from another universe and just kind of made himself at home). Sonmi is also arguably not one of the Originals; though there was a Sonmi born of the family, she was subsequently replaced by the [[White Reaper]], at the time an aspect of Kyrule, sort of, ish, even though this was technically before Kyrule even born.<ref>Nobody talks about this anyway, so it probably doesn't matter. Or does it?</ref> Because she maintained the name and position of the Original Sonmi when doing so, this detail is not widely known.<ref>Seriously nobody knows this outside the gods themselves. And even they don't seem to want to acknowledge it most of the time, might be they feel guilty after all now?</ref><br />
<br />
== The Twelve ==<br />
<br />
{| class="wikitable sortable" style="width: 100%"<br />
|-<br />
! God<br />
! Original Name<br />
! Other names/aspects<br />
! Domains<br />
|-<br />
||'''Alyre'''||Joy||Lara, Alynn, Bacquoi||love, passion, dance, beauty, cats<ref name="sonmi"/>, curiosity<ref name="sonmi">Taken from Sonmi as punishment after the White Reaper became her.</ref>, temptation, fertility, fountains<br />
|-<br />
||'''Azorres||Hope||Eiko, Adries||light<ref name="sonmi2"/>, life, healing, hope, patience, perseverance, new perspectives<ref name="sonmi2"/>, redemption<ref name="sonmi2"/>, beginnings<ref name="sonmi"/>, just generally being nice to each other<br />
|-<br />
||'''Brenn||Contentment||Brenna, Voi||simplicity, belonging, home, loyalty, propriety, culture, nobles, art, profit, tea, dogs<br />
|-<br />
||'''Djieka||Luck||Cheekah, Dis||chaos, disorder, luck, thieves, air, confusion, ignorance<ref name="sonmi"/>, unreasonable expectation, chronic paranoia, horses, stuff that just generally makes no sense<br />
|-<br />
||'''Kyrule||N/A||Kheris, Irin, Deathdealer, Keeper of Names|| time<ref name="sonmi2">A gift from Sonmi.</ref>, judgement<ref name="ves">Was originally the domain of Veshura, who got fed up with the other gods' bullshit and quit as the god of death.</ref><ref name="eaph"/>, purpose<ref name="lash"/>, truth, free will, spirits<ref name="ves"/>, dreams<ref name="eaph">Was Eapherod's domain, but Kyrule killed her.</ref>, nightmares<ref name="eaph"/>, lies, masks, secrets<br />
|-<br />
||'''Lyria||Renewal||Lepaedi||nature, cycles, growth, decomposition, forests, agriculture, stuff that just generally goes on with or without you<br />
|-<br />
||'''Neiryo||Change||Nausica, Kikein, Nessis, Augh, Raven, The Maelstrom||water, oceans, pressure, storms, wisdom, riddles, cleverness, smart birds, discovery<ref name="sonmi"/>, weather in general<br />
|-<br />
||'''Orin||Conflict||Forble Sense, Lord of War, That Giant Asshole||war, battle, argument, victory, might, fire, justice<ref name="lash">Was Lashaliss Azall's domain, but Eapherod killed her.</ref>, courage<ref name="lash"/>, rage, aggressive animals, general dickishness<br />
|-<br />
||'''Roshar||Steadiness||Belotzi, Stone God||stone, strength, durability, slow process, digging creatures, reliability<ref name="lash"/>, construction<ref name="lash"/>, rocks, other rocks, all the rocks, geology in general<br />
|-<br />
||'''Sonmi||Curiosity||Ghauran, Gurasis, Tymor, Zachri, White Reaper||death<ref name="ves"/><ref name="eaph"/><ref name="kyr">Was supposed to be Kyrule's domain, but he either gave it to Sonmi, or possibly just didn't stop her from taking it instead.</ref>, destruction, torment, pain, fear, cruelty, hate, madness, loss, emptiness, paradoxes, endings<ref name="ves"/><ref name="kyr"/>, respite, release<br />
|-<br />
||'''Veshura||Death||Zeahne, Mishra, Öjra, The Void, The Ungodly Light||power, revenge, knowledge, magic, space and shit, ambition, debts, undeath, eternities, those absolutely-terrifyingly-tiny wasps and other such horrors of evolution<br />
|-<br />
||'''Vitoi||N/A||Hazz'ridan, The Loss||ultimate failure, frustration, weariness, dead ends, unfinished business, procrastination, indignation, stupid birds, dead moths, monotony, absence, darkness, anything that's nearing extinction<br />
|-<br />
|}<br />
<br />
While we've previously attempted to assign alignments according to what the general populace tend to believe, these weren't exactly accurate to the nature of the gods themselves, and just plain confusing to boot. For the most part, they're all fairly nice/neutral, aside from that one who really is just an outright dick. Some will certainly return the favour if you start something, however.<br />
<br />
It is also worth noting that some of the gods' Original Names have kinda been passed around like hot potatoes over the entirety of their existence, which is to say very, very occasionally they might trade, aside from a few exceptional incidents:<br />
* Sonmi, when the White Reaper became her, was cursed and forcibly renamed Torment by the other gods, just to punish her for the sheer audacity of a mortal daring to take the place of a god. Eventually they did finally work out how completely insane that was, though it really should not have taken them that long considering their sister Justice would have been heavily against it from the start. Oops.<br />
* At some point Veshura got absolutely fed up with the other gods' expectations as to what Death should be and do, and just up and abdicated. This caused more than a few problems, before Eapherod (an interloper posing as a mortal) and Kyrule (an actual mortal at the time) finally hunted it down and took the name themselves. Which caused other problems, but at least the other gods didn't flip out this time and curse them too. Progress!<br />
* When Lashaliss Azall was killed, her name of Justice was corrupted. Unclear how nobody seemed to notice this considering what an absolute gobshite Justice Orin turned out to be. They were all reeling a bit, though.<br />
* Eapherod had already given Kyrule (her half of?) the Death name before he killed her, or that never would have even worked. Then he traded Death for Time with Sonmi, because she'd suggested this might be less painful? Where'd he get the Secrets name, though?!<br />
<br />
These also weren't their ''only'' names, even from the start, and they would have just kept adding more as they appeared. Some of these smaller names would have really convoluted things, such as whoever was Lies, they probably got ''around''. When the Originals finally adopted less literal names, it might have just been because they ones they were had gotten too big.<br />
<br />
For further confusion:<br />
* Sonmi was never Time. Time was the name the White Reaper had plucked when she and the Originals had all first taken their Names, and thus she was able to keep it as well even when Sonmi was renamed. (How'd she get there in the first place? Maybe she went and plucked 'Temporal Paradoxes' in the future first, who knows.)<br />
* Despite her masks, Sonmi/the White Reaper tends to be most commonly aligned with Azorres and Kyrule, and usually just has them do/take credit for anything public-facing in order to circumvent certain other details of her curse.<br />
* Azorres and Kyrule somehow seem to have wound up with a number of roughly the same Names (inverted, but does that really mean anything with gods?) and ostensibly mostly have exactly the same goals, despite their followers' constantly clashing. Mostly it's an approach thing, but they do try to stress that both approaches are kind of needed anyway.<br />
* It's not even clear how Vitoi took his Names, or if he did at all. Maybe he just showed up and the names instead crawled out of the pool and found him? How did he even get there? What even is he? Eh.<br />
* While Veshura and Vitoi generally present as not overtly caring one way or the other about most such things, they're both pretty big on their own particular flavours of poetic justice. Possibly just because they find it absolutely hilarious. The problem is after Original Justice died, this usually winds up still being more just than the nonsense Orin tends to come up with.<br />
* Orin is just an absolute dick, possibly because he took his sister's death really badly, or possibly because he was all along. Sometimes his injustices are so bad that even Kyrule winds up having to take matters into his own hands to ensure something even remotely resembling true justice occurs in the End. Even if it turns out to be reinstating whatever Veshura or Vitoi already came up with.<br />
<br />
== Aspects and other gods ==<br />
<br />
Other gods and spirits are also revered outside of the Twelve. Some are much smaller, either existing only locally, or with limited followers, and are not widely known, but many of these serve the Twelve themselves. Others, not so much, and may only have limited dealings with mortals themselves.<br />
<br />
Those who serve the Twelve may exist as their own entities, or present themselves as various aspects and avatars, for reasons. Alyre, for instance, is widely regarded to include cats within her domains, but her aspect Lara is also revered as a goddess of cats specifically. Other smaller gods and spirits, including local guardian gods, will also present as distinct entities, but often fall under the umbrella of one or more of the twelve, and may be used interchangeably in some regions and religions. That nonsense that went down in Ord, on the other hand, is just something else entirely.<br />
<br />
Other gods, such as Daru, the All-Father to the Original Family, may exist<ref>He totally exists, and is an even bigger dick than Orin, somehow.</ref> beyond this, but do not feature in any mortal religion due to having no dealings with them, because he kind of really despises them.<br />
<br />
== Ord ==<br />
<br />
Historically, Ordian religion has largely been based around the [[Chitiritas]] Ancestor spirits rather than any gods. When the elves migrated from the sister realm of Cerris in the [[Exodus]], they brought their religion, and their gods, with them, but an accord (known properly as '[[The Accords]]' to make it sound more important when historians and theologians mention it) was made with the locals to limit what these new gods could do to 'try to keep them from mucking too much up' or some such. Being elves, they didn't really care and were kind of fine with whatever, within reason.<br />
<br />
Per the Accords, only Azorres, Kyrule, and Veshura are allowed to directly intervene in Ordian affairs. Despite this, none of them really do much in practice either:<br />
<br />
* Azorres enjoys some popularity simply for being a 'generally good sort', whose domains translate fairly well into organised religion, but the religions themselves still tend to be more of an excuse to hold social events than anything truly meaningful.<br />
* Veshura is sometimes subject to random cults, but does little to encourage it beyond occasionally showing up and humouring her cultists with at times rather ridiculous powers, typically right before the cult would have fallen apart naturally anyway.<br />
* Kyrule mostly leaves Ord be on the religion-side and relegates managing matters of the dead to the [[Reapers]], unbound spirits originally created by the Ancestors to gather up other unwilling and lost spirits. Then that nonsense went down where he created two new aspects of Death:<br />
*# The Chicken God: a distributed [[Classification of god-forms|god-form entity]] that mostly exists memetically within social media, that, due to an excess of undirected belief<ref>Is winding up with a Chicken God better or worse than an Oh God of hangovers? Who knows, but it would totally get the reference. It gets all the references. It probably speaks exclusively in references. Except when it doesn't. Because consistency is not what it's about.</ref>, may quite possibly be the most powerful divine being in all of Arling Tor. <br />
*# Sexy Kyrule: Kyrule, but sexy. Huge hit, instantly popular, when an avatar accidentally challenged the Chicken God to a duel, in a ring of jello, wearing their best bikinis, armed only with giant slabs of tofu... not realising she was still logged in on social media as Kyrule. And then had to go do it, just on principle.<br />
<br />
This match was streamed everywhere. People were amazed. Awed. Inspired. Baffled. Disgusted. Very, very confused. Frankly just glad that this time, Kyrule randomly actually showing up in Ord isn't to stop another chicken-spawning fork-bomb, but something not so world-ending after all? Yeah, that also happened. Might be why he'd even had a social media login at this point to begin with?<br />
<br />
Ord is weird.<br />
<br />
== Notes and references ==<br />
<br />
<references/> <br />
<br />
[[Category:Gods]]<br />
[[Category:Let's randomly pretend this is an encyclopedia]]<br />
[[Category:Arling Tor]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Gods_of_Arling_Tor&diff=4727Gods of Arling Tor2024-01-19T02:34:33Z<p>Apheori: /* The Twelve */ better maybe</p>
<hr />
<div>The universe of [[Arling Tor]] is home to, among others, a somewhat more relevant pantheon of gods, who likely consider themselves to be incredibly important, and are widely worshipped on [[Cerris]], vaguely referenced in [[Ord]], and have varying levels of influence and control across the myriad other Torrian planes and planets beyond these realms.<br />
<br />
On Cerris, people tend to refer to the pantheon as a whole as either '''the Twelve''' or '''the Nine''', depending on whether or not they're including the, shall we say, more 'negative' gods in what they wish to invoke. Of the Twelve, all are Originals (of the 'Original Family' supposedly born of the creation of the universe) aside from Kyrule (born a mortal elf) and [[Source:Sarathi#Pantheon|Vitoi]] (wandered in from another universe and just kind of made himself at home). Sonmi is also arguably not one of the Originals; though there was a Sonmi born of the family, she was subsequently replaced by the [[White Reaper]], at the time an aspect of Kyrule, sort of, ish, even though this was technically before Kyrule even born.<ref>Nobody talks about this anyway, so it probably doesn't matter. Or does it?</ref> Because she maintained the name and position of the Original Sonmi when doing so, this detail is not widely known.<ref>Seriously nobody knows this outside the gods themselves. And even they don't seem to want to acknowledge it most of the time, might be they feel guilty after all now?</ref><br />
<br />
== The Twelve ==<br />
<br />
{| class="wikitable sortable" style="width: 100%"<br />
|-<br />
! God<br />
! Original Name<br />
! Other names/aspects<br />
! Domains<br />
|-<br />
||'''Alyre'''||Joy||Lara, Alynn, Bacquoi||love, passion, dance, beauty, cats<ref name="sonmi"/>, curiosity<ref name="sonmi">Taken from Sonmi as punishment after the White Reaper became her.</ref>, temptation, fertility, fountains<br />
|-<br />
||'''Azorres||Hope||Eiko, Adries||light<ref name="sonmi2"/>, life, healing, hope, patience, perseverance, new perspectives<ref name="sonmi2"/>, redemption<ref name="sonmi2"/>, beginnings<ref name="sonmi"/>, just generally being nice to each other<br />
|-<br />
||'''Brenn||Contentment||Brenna, Voi||simplicity, belonging, home, loyalty, propriety, culture, nobles, art, profit, tea, dogs<br />
|-<br />
||'''Djieka||Luck||Cheekah, Dis||chaos, disorder, luck, thieves, air, confusion, ignorance<ref name="sonmi"/>, unreasonable expectation, chronic paranoia, horses, stuff that just generally makes no sense<br />
|-<br />
||'''Kyrule||N/A||Kheris, Irin, Deathdealer, Keeper of Names|| time<ref name="sonmi2">A gift from Sonmi.</ref>, judgement<ref name="ves">Was originally the domain of Veshura, who got fed up with the other gods' bullshit and quit as the god of death.</ref><ref name="eaph"/>, purpose<ref name="lash"/>, truth, free will, spirits<ref name="ves"/>, dreams<ref name="eaph">Was Eapherod's domain, but Kyrule killed her.</ref>, nightmares<ref name="eaph"/>, lies, masks, secrets<br />
|-<br />
||'''Lyria||Renewal||Lepaedi||nature, cycles, growth, decomposition, forests, agriculture, stuff that just generally goes on with or without you<br />
|-<br />
||'''Neiryo||Change||Nausica, Kikein, Nessis, Augh, Raven, The Maelstrom||water, oceans, pressure, storms, wisdom, riddles, cleverness, smart birds, discovery<ref name="sonmi"/>, weather in general<br />
|-<br />
||'''Orin||Conflict||Folble Sens, Lord of War, That Giant Asshole||war, battle, argument, victory, might, fire, justice<ref name="lash">Was Lashaliss Azall's domain, but Eapherod killed her.</ref>, courage<ref name="lash"/>, rage, aggressive animals, general dickishness<br />
|-<br />
||'''Roshar||Steadiness||Belotzi, Stone God||stone, strength, durability, slow process, digging creatures, reliability<ref name="lash"/>, construction<ref name="lash"/>, rocks, other rocks, all the rocks, geology in general<br />
|-<br />
||'''Sonmi||Curiosity||Ghauran, Gurasis, Tymor, Zachri, White Reaper||death<ref name="ves"/><ref name="eaph"/><ref name="kyr">Was supposed to be Kyrule's domain, but he either gave it to Sonmi, or possibly just didn't stop her from taking it instead.</ref>, destruction, torment, pain, fear, cruelty, hate, madness, loss, emptiness, paradoxes, endings<ref name="ves"/><ref name="kyr"/>, respite, release<br />
|-<br />
||'''Veshura||Death||Zeahne, Mishra, Öjra, The Void, The Ungodly Light||power, revenge, knowledge, magic, space and shit, ambition, debts, undeath, eternities, those absolutely-terrifyingly-tiny wasps and other such horrors of evolution<br />
|-<br />
||'''Vitoi||N/A||Hazz'ridan, The Loss||ultimate failure, frustration, weariness, dead ends, unfinished business, procrastination, indignation, stupid birds, dead moths, monotony, absence, darkness, anything that's nearing extinction<br />
|-<br />
|}<br />
<br />
While we've previously attempted to assign alignments according to what the general populace tend to believe, these weren't exactly accurate to the nature of the gods themselves, and just plain confusing to boot. For the most part, they're all fairly nice/neutral, aside from that one who really is just an outright dick. Some will certainly return the favour if you start something, however.<br />
<br />
It is also worth noting that some of the gods' Original Names have kinda been passed around like hot potatoes over the entirety of their existence, which is to say very, very occasionally they might trade, aside from a few exceptional incidents:<br />
* Sonmi, when the White Reaper became her, was cursed and forcibly renamed Torment by the other gods, just to punish her for the sheer audacity of a mortal daring to take the place of a god. Eventually they did finally work out how completely insane that was, though it really should not have taken them that long considering their sister Justice would have been heavily against it from the start. Oops.<br />
* At some point Veshura got absolutely fed up with the other gods' expectations as to what Death should be and do, and just up and abdicated. This caused more than a few problems, before Eapherod (an interloper posing as a mortal) and Kyrule (an actual mortal at the time) finally hunted it down and took the name themselves. Which caused other problems, but at least the other gods didn't flip out this time and curse them too. Progress!<br />
* When Lashaliss Azall was killed, her name of Justice was corrupted. Unclear how nobody seemed to notice this considering what an absolute gobshite Justice Orin turned out to be. They were all reeling a bit, though.<br />
* Eapherod had already given Kyrule (her half of?) the Death name before he killed her, or that never would have even worked. Then he traded Death for Time with Sonmi, because she'd suggested this might be less painful? Where'd he get the Secrets name, though?!<br />
<br />
These also weren't their ''only'' names, even from the start, and they would have just kept adding more as they appeared. Some of these smaller names would have really convoluted things, such as whoever was Lies, they probably got ''around''. When the Originals finally adopted less literal names, it might have just been because they ones they were had gotten too big.<br />
<br />
For further confusion:<br />
* Sonmi was never Time. Time was the name the White Reaper had plucked when she and the Originals had all first taken their Names, and thus she was able to keep it as well even when Sonmi was renamed. (How'd she get there in the first place? Maybe she went and plucked 'Temporal Paradoxes' in the future first, who knows.)<br />
* Despite her masks, Sonmi/the White Reaper tends to be most commonly aligned with Azorres and Kyrule, and usually just has them do/take credit for anything public-facing in order to circumvent certain other details of her curse.<br />
* Azorres and Kyrule somehow seem to have wound up with a number of roughly the same Names (inverted, but does that really mean anything with gods?) and ostensibly mostly have exactly the same goals, despite their followers' constantly clashing. Mostly it's an approach thing, but they do try to stress that both approaches are kind of needed anyway.<br />
* It's not even clear how Vitoi took his Names, or if he did at all. Maybe he just showed up and the names instead crawled out of the pool and found him? How did he even get there? What even is he? Eh.<br />
* While Veshura and Vitoi generally present as not overtly caring one way or the other about most such things, they're both pretty big on their own particular flavours of poetic justice. Possibly just because they find it absolutely hilarious. The problem is after Original Justice died, this usually winds up still being more just than the nonsense Orin tends to come up with.<br />
* Orin is just an absolute dick, possibly because he took his sister's death really badly, or possibly because he was all along. Sometimes his injustices are so bad that even Kyrule winds up having to take matters into his own hands to ensure something even remotely resembling true justice occurs in the End. Even if it turns out to be reinstating whatever Veshura or Vitoi already came up with.<br />
<br />
== Aspects and other gods ==<br />
<br />
Other gods and spirits are also revered outside of the Twelve. Some are much smaller, either existing only locally, or with limited followers, and are not widely known, but many of these serve the Twelve themselves. Others, not so much, and may only have limited dealings with mortals themselves.<br />
<br />
Those who serve the Twelve may exist as their own entities, or present themselves as various aspects and avatars, for reasons. Alyre, for instance, is widely regarded to include cats within her domains, but her aspect Lara is also revered as a goddess of cats specifically. Other smaller gods and spirits, including local guardian gods, will also present as distinct entities, but often fall under the umbrella of one or more of the twelve, and may be used interchangeably in some regions and religions. That nonsense that went down in Ord, on the other hand, is just something else entirely.<br />
<br />
Other gods, such as Daru, the All-Father to the Original Family, may exist<ref>He totally exists, and is an even bigger dick than Orin, somehow.</ref> beyond this, but do not feature in any mortal religion due to having no dealings with them, because he kind of really despises them.<br />
<br />
== Ord ==<br />
<br />
Historically, Ordian religion has largely been based around the [[Chitiritas]] Ancestor spirits rather than any gods. When the elves migrated from the sister realm of Cerris in the [[Exodus]], they brought their religion, and their gods, with them, but an accord (known properly as '[[The Accords]]' to make it sound more important when historians and theologians mention it) was made with the locals to limit what these new gods could do to 'try to keep them from mucking too much up' or some such. Being elves, they didn't really care and were kind of fine with whatever, within reason.<br />
<br />
Per the Accords, only Azorres, Kyrule, and Veshura are allowed to directly intervene in Ordian affairs. Despite this, none of them really do much in practice either:<br />
<br />
* Azorres enjoys some popularity simply for being a 'generally good sort', whose domains translate fairly well into organised religion, but the religions themselves still tend to be more of an excuse to hold social events than anything truly meaningful.<br />
* Veshura is sometimes subject to random cults, but does little to encourage it beyond occasionally showing up and humouring her cultists with at times rather ridiculous powers, typically right before the cult would have fallen apart naturally anyway.<br />
* Kyrule mostly leaves Ord be on the religion-side and relegates managing matters of the dead to the [[Reapers]], unbound spirits originally created by the Ancestors to gather up other unwilling and lost spirits. Then that nonsense went down where he created two new aspects of Death:<br />
*# The Chicken God: a distributed [[Classification of god-forms|god-form entity]] that mostly exists memetically within social media, that, due to an excess of undirected belief<ref>Is winding up with a Chicken God better or worse than an Oh God of hangovers? Who knows, but it would totally get the reference. It gets all the references. It probably speaks exclusively in references. Except when it doesn't. Because consistency is not what it's about.</ref>, may quite possibly be the most powerful divine being in all of Arling Tor. <br />
*# Sexy Kyrule: Kyrule, but sexy. Huge hit, instantly popular, when an avatar accidentally challenged the Chicken God to a duel, in a ring of jello, wearing their best bikinis, armed only with giant slabs of tofu... not realising she was still logged in on social media as Kyrule. And then had to go do it, just on principle.<br />
<br />
This match was streamed everywhere. People were amazed. Awed. Inspired. Baffled. Disgusted. Very, very confused. Frankly just glad that this time, Kyrule randomly actually showing up in Ord isn't to stop another chicken-spawning fork-bomb, but something not so world-ending after all? Yeah, that also happened. Might be why he'd even had a social media login at this point to begin with?<br />
<br />
Ord is weird.<br />
<br />
== Notes and references ==<br />
<br />
<references/> <br />
<br />
[[Category:Gods]]<br />
[[Category:Let's randomly pretend this is an encyclopedia]]<br />
[[Category:Arling Tor]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Gods_of_Arling_Tor&diff=4726Gods of Arling Tor2024-01-19T00:52:49Z<p>Apheori: Updates! Sexy Kyrule!</p>
<hr />
<div>The universe of [[Arling Tor]] is home to, among others, a somewhat more relevant pantheon of gods, who likely consider themselves to be incredibly important, and are widely worshipped on [[Cerris]], vaguely referenced in [[Ord]], and have varying levels of influence and control across the myriad other Torrian planes and planets beyond these realms.<br />
<br />
On Cerris, people tend to refer to the pantheon as a whole as either '''the Twelve''' or '''the Nine''', depending on whether or not they're including the, shall we say, more 'negative' gods in what they wish to invoke. Of the Twelve, all are Originals (of the 'Original Family' supposedly born of the creation of the universe) aside from Kyrule (born a mortal elf) and [[Source:Sarathi#Pantheon|Vitoi]] (wandered in from another universe and just kind of made himself at home). Sonmi is also arguably not one of the Originals; though there was a Sonmi born of the family, she was subsequently replaced by the [[White Reaper]], at the time an aspect of Kyrule, sort of, ish, even though this was technically before Kyrule even born.<ref>Nobody talks about this anyway, so it probably doesn't matter. Or does it?</ref> Because she maintained the name and position of the Original Sonmi when doing so, this detail is not widely known.<ref>Seriously nobody knows this outside the gods themselves. And even they don't seem to want to acknowledge it most of the time, might be they feel guilty after all now?</ref><br />
<br />
== The Twelve ==<br />
<br />
{| class="wikitable sortable" style="width: 100%"<br />
|-<br />
! God<br />
! Original Name<br />
! Other names/aspects<br />
! Domains<br />
|-<br />
||'''Alyre'''||Joy||Lara, Alynn, Bacquoi, The Lady of Cats||love, passion, dance, beauty, temptation, cats, beginnings<br />
|-<br />
||'''Azorres||Hope||The Light, Eiko, Adries||light, life, peace, redemption, martyrs, respite, perseverance, air<br />
|-<br />
||'''Brenn||Contentment||Brenna, Voi||culture, propriety, nobles, art, profit, intrigue, thieves, tea<br />
|-<br />
||'''Djieka||Luck||Cheekah, Dis||chaos, disorder, monotony, unreasonable expectation, chronic paranoia, luck<br />
|-<br />
||'''Kyrule||N/A||Kheris, Irin, Deathdealer, Keeper of Names||death<ref name="ves">Was originally the domain of Veshura, who got fed up with the other gods' bullshit and quit as the god of death. Eapherod subsequently picked up this domain, but then Kyrule killed her.</ref>, spirits<ref name="ves"/>, judgement<ref name="ves"/>, equilibrium, finality, time, dreams<ref name="eaph">Was Eapherod's domain, but Kyrule killed her.</ref>, nightmares<ref name="eaph"/>, lies<ref name="eaph"/>, masks<ref name="eaph"/><br />
|-<br />
||'''Lyria||Renewal||Lepaedi||nature, cycles, growth, decomposition, forests, fertility, fountains<br />
|-<br />
||'''Neiryo||Change||Nausica, Kikein, Nessis, Augh, Raven, The Maelstrom, Lord of the Depths||water, oceans, pressure, storms, ancestors, wisdom, riddles, cleverness, discovery<br />
|-<br />
||'''Orin||Conflict||Lord of War||war, battle, valour, might, justice<ref name="lash">Was Lashaliss Azall's domain, but Eapherod killed her.</ref>, crusaders<ref name="lash"/>, righteous indignation<ref name="lash"/>, fire<br />
|-<br />
||'''Roshar||Steadiness||Belotzi, Stone God||earth, durability, stone, strength, solidity<br />
|-<br />
||'''Sonmi||Curiosity||Ghauran, Gurasis, Tymor, Zachri, White Reaper||destruction, tyranny, violence, cruelty, fury, hate, fear, revenge, madness<ref name="eaph"/>, insanity<br />
|-<br />
||'''Veshura||Death||Zeahne, Mishra, Öjra, The Void, The Ungodly Light||power, knowledge, magic, ambition, debts, undeath, eternities, darkness, weariness, absence<br />
|-<br />
||'''Vitoi||N/A||Hazz'ridan, The Loss||ultimate failure, frustration, dead ends, unfinished business, procrastination, paradoxes<br />
|-<br />
|}<br />
<br />
While we've previously attempted to assign alignments according to what the general populace tend to believe, these weren't exactly accurate to the nature of the gods themselves, and just plain confusing to boot. For the most part, they're all fairly nice/neutral, aside from that one who really is just an outright dick. Some will certainly return the favour if you start something, however.<br />
<br />
It is also worth noting that some of the gods' Original Names have kinda been passed around like hot potatoes over the entirety of their existence, which is to say very, very occasionally they might trade, aside from a few exceptional incidents:<br />
* Sonmi, when the White Reaper became her, was cursed and forcibly renamed Torment by the other gods, just to punish her for the sheer audacity of a mortal daring to take the place of a god. Eventually they did finally work out how completely insane that was, though it really should not have taken them that long considering their sister Justice would have been heavily against it from the start. Oops.<br />
* At some point Veshura got absolutely fed up with the other gods' expectations as to what Death should be and do, and just up and abdicated. This caused more than a few problems, before Eapherod (an interloper posing as a mortal) and Kyrule (an actual mortal at the time) finally hunted it down and took the name themselves. Which caused other problems, but at least the other gods didn't flip out this time and curse them too. Progress!<br />
* When Lashaliss Azall was killed, her name of Justice was corrupted. Unclear how nobody seemed to notice this considering what an absolute gobshite Justice Orin turned out to be. They were all reeling a bit, though.<br />
* Eapherod had already given Kyrule (her half of?) the Death name before he killed her, or that never would have even worked. Then he traded Death for Time with Sonmi, because she'd suggested this might be less painful? Where'd he get the Secrets name, though?!<br />
<br />
These also weren't their ''only'' names, even from the start, and they would have just kept adding more as they appeared. Some of these smaller names would have really convoluted things, such as whoever was Lies, they probably got ''around''. When the Originals finally adopted less literal names, it might have just been because they ones they were had gotten too big.<br />
<br />
Further confusion:<br />
* Sonmi was never Time. Time was the name the White Reaper had plucked when she and the Originals had all first taken their Names, and thus she was able to keep it as well even when Sonmi was renamed. (How'd she get there in the first place? Maybe she went and plucked 'Temporal Paradoxes' in the future first, who knows.)<br />
* Despite her masks, Sonmi/the White Reaper tends to be most commonly aligned with Azorres and Kyrule, and usually just has them do/take credit for anything public-facing in order to circumvent certain other details of her curse.<br />
* Azorres and Kyrule somehow seem to have wound up with a number of roughly the same Names (inverted, but does that really mean anything with gods?) and ostensibly mostly have exactly the same goals, despite their followers' constantly clashing. Mostly it's an approach thing, but they do try to stress that both approaches are kind of needed anyway.<br />
* It's not even clear how Vitoi took his Names, or if he did at all. Maybe he just showed up and the names instead crawled out of the pool and found him? How did he even get there? What even is he? Eh.<br />
* While Veshura and Vitoi generally present as not overtly caring one way or the other about most such things, they're both pretty big on their own particular flavours of poetic justice. Possibly just because they find it absolutely hilarious. The problem is after Original Justice died, this usually winds up still being more just than the nonsense Orin tends to come up with.<br />
* Orin is just an absolute dick, possibly because he took his sister's death really badly, or possibly because he was all along. Sometimes his injustices are so bad that even Kyrule winds up having to take matters into his own hands to ensure something even remotely resembling true justice occurs in the End. Even if it turns out to be reinstating whatever Veshura or Vitoi already came up with.<br />
<br />
== Aspects and other gods ==<br />
<br />
Other gods and spirits are also revered outside of the Twelve. Some are much smaller, either existing only locally, or with limited followers, and are not widely known, but many of these serve the Twelve themselves. Others, not so much, and may only have limited dealings with mortals themselves.<br />
<br />
Those who serve the Twelve may exist as their own entities, or present themselves as various aspects and avatars, for reasons. Alyre, for instance, is widely regarded to include cats within her domains, but her aspect Lara is also revered as a goddess of cats specifically. Other smaller gods and spirits, including local guardian gods, will also present as distinct entities, but often fall under the umbrella of one or more of the twelve, and may be used interchangeably in some regions and religions. That nonsense that went down in Ord, on the other hand, is just something else entirely.<br />
<br />
Other gods, such as Daru, the All-Father to the Original Family, may exist<ref>He totally exists, and is an even bigger dick than Orin, somehow.</ref> beyond this, but do not feature in any mortal religion due to having no dealings with them, because he kind of really despises them.<br />
<br />
== Ord ==<br />
<br />
Historically, Ordian religion has largely been based around the [[Chitiritas]] Ancestor spirits rather than any gods. When the elves migrated from the sister realm of Cerris in the [[Exodus]], they brought their religion, and their gods, with them, but an accord (known properly as '[[The Accords]]' to make it sound more important when historians and theologians mention it) was made with the locals to limit what these new gods could do to 'try to keep them from mucking too much up' or some such. Being elves, they didn't really care and were kind of fine with whatever, within reason.<br />
<br />
Per the Accords, only Azorres, Kyrule, and Veshura are allowed to directly intervene in Ordian affairs. Despite this, none of them really do much in practice either:<br />
<br />
* Azorres enjoys some popularity simply for being a 'generally good sort', whose domains translate fairly well into organised religion, but the religions themselves still tend to be more of an excuse to hold social events than anything truly meaningful.<br />
* Veshura is sometimes subject to random cults, but does little to encourage it beyond occasionally showing up and humouring her cultists with at times rather ridiculous powers, typically right before the cult would have fallen apart naturally anyway.<br />
* Kyrule mostly leaves Ord be on the religion-side and relegates managing matters of the dead to the [[Reapers]], unbound spirits originally created by the Ancestors to gather up other unwilling and lost spirits. Then that nonsense went down where he created two new aspects of Death:<br />
*# The Chicken God: a distributed [[Classification of god-forms|god-form entity]] that mostly exists memetically within social media, that, due to an excess of undirected belief<ref>Is winding up with a Chicken God better or worse than an Oh God of hangovers? Who knows, but it would totally get the reference. It gets all the references. It probably speaks exclusively in references. Except when it doesn't. Because consistency is not what it's about.</ref>, may quite possibly be the most powerful divine being in all of Arling Tor. <br />
*# Sexy Kyrule: Kyrule, but sexy. Huge hit, instantly popular, when an avatar accidentally challenged the Chicken God to a duel, in a ring of jello, wearing their best bikinis, armed only with giant slabs of tofu... not realising she was still logged in on social media as Kyrule. And then had to go do it, just on principle.<br />
<br />
This match was streamed everywhere. People were amazed. Awed. Inspired. Baffled. Disgusted. Very, very confused. Frankly just glad that this time, Kyrule randomly actually showing up in Ord isn't to stop another chicken-spawning fork-bomb, but something not so world-ending after all? Yeah, that also happened. Might be why he'd even had a social media login at this point to begin with?<br />
<br />
Ord is weird.<br />
<br />
== Notes and references ==<br />
<br />
<references/> <br />
<br />
[[Category:Gods]]<br />
[[Category:Let's randomly pretend this is an encyclopedia]]<br />
[[Category:Arling Tor]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=MediaWiki:Common.css&diff=4725MediaWiki:Common.css2024-01-12T00:08:16Z<p>Apheori: wtf</p>
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}</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=In_the_Desert&diff=4724In the Desert2024-01-11T23:52:07Z<p>Apheori: </p>
<hr />
<div>''Initiate distraction. Commence getting sidetracked.<br />
<br />
''Let's wander off entirely for a moment, shall we? Remember that show that really shouldn't have just been 'boba fett' anyway, since it wasn't? 'The Book of Boba Fett'? What in all the worlds were they even going for with that title? Though really, we can guess pretty easily, can't we. How very strange. How very limiting.<br />
<br />
''No, let's try that one again. It needs to be bigger than that. Wider. Fuller. No end in sight, not right here. Don't bake it right into the very beginning. Really? <br />
<br />
''Let's call it '''"In The Desert"''', because we're boring and most of the other references would make even less sense. And we can always set that scene, in theme or otherwise. Hint, time and again, at how very strange the deserts of this throwaway world might be (or, you know, whatever 'desert' the episode randomly winds up in), as all are, if you only stop to really look, and listen, and get a lizard up your nose. Only from there can you properly move on into something properly weird.<br />
<br />
'''''Notes:<br />
# ''Whatever else goes on, the main character's bantha must go forever nameless. It's probably more than one bantha anyway. No names, kids. No names.<br />
# ''There can be more than one main character. The main character is the desert. There can be more than one 'desert'. What is a desert, really?<br />
# ''Just tell the story in order. If there's more than story, just wrap the one up first before going to the other. Don't try to pull some Arrow shit, that didn't even work for Arrow that well anyway.<br />
# ''We already have gobs of artsy slow contemplative shows. Why not have some fun for a change? Also what the hell genre even is this?<br />
# ''The sand people aren't beduins, vikings, mongols, or retired gentlemen from southern italy. Which means we can throw in aspects of any of those willy-nilly. Or not.<br />
# ''There are a lot of tribes, and they're mostly different. Maybe some aren't different at all, just to mix things up. Maybe some are total barbarians and turn out to have gone way overboard with the drug melons and fried their brains completely. ...oops?<br />
# ''Every episode should have some sort of lizard-induced sort of silliness, a ridiculous tribal backstory, and/or a potential hallucination or five. Or something along those lines, anyway. It's a rule.<br />
# ''Every tribe has its own backstory, and the more bonkers, the better. While they all come from roughly the same set of tales, they've diverged wildly since.<br />
# ''The timescale is unclear. Is it drugs, or laziness on the part of the writer? Why not both? Blame drugs or the characters themselves getting things out of order in their recollections if it messes with any crossovers.<br />
# ''Prophetic hallucinations are not spoilers. The real thing can go absolutely however it wants. As many times as it wants. Maybe.<br />
# ''Most of the sand people absolutely loathe sand. But we need a new line about why.<br />
<br />
<br />
== Episode 1: Oh look, it's Boba Fett ==<br />
<br />
It should open like Digger, or Fear and Loathing, or something else equally as insane, to really set the scene. Introduce everything, as the strange, wounded man wanders the desert, and weird shit happens. He's been here forever, or not. He meets people, things, rocks. Some are real, some are not. Open up, perhaps, with a shoot-out with a bunch of jawa-mounted banthas. The banthas are all floating a bit above the jawas for some reason, possibly just because otherwise the jawas wouldn't even be visible. He dodges their fire quite skilfully, though it turns out to be rocks. Shoots back, takes them out, one after another after another. They also turn out to be rocks, but much larger rocks. And yet more rocks continue to fly at him, because the sandstorm is still approaching.<br />
<br />
He has no armour at this point, just a sand-encrusted jumpsuit and a blaster-shaped stick. Does the stick actually work as a blaster? It might. It sure seems to, at least. He has no other supplies at all, however. No water, no food, no shovel, no shelter. Nothing to protect against the sandstorm, either. So he does what any drugged-out man with a stick would do: challenges the sandstorm to dare steal his shoes?!<br />
<br />
He actually might be wearing shoes. Nevermind that.<br />
<br />
It knocks him over, and he burrows into his shirt, blindly shaking the stick at the storm regardless, firing wildly.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
The storm passes, leaving behind a landscape of softened edges and snow-like accumulation. Of the man there is no sign, until he erupts forth from the sand zombie-style, true to the motions all the way through. It's night. The stars are like an ocean, dizzyingly deep. He shakes a stiffened fist and demands in a hoarse voice that they tell him what he's doing there. Who even is he? Who are you? Why am I asking you?! You're just stars! You can't even hear me!<br />
<br />
And then a voice answers, strange and terrible and everywhere: ''"You're still looking for a job, so stop getting distracted."''<br />
<br />
He reels at this. He has no idea what it's talking about, or what it is, or anything about it at all. He should be terrified. He's not. He makes an animalistic snarl, indignant-like, regaining his posture. Growls back, "I have a job!"<br />
<br />
The voice doesn't miss a beat. Answers, in awful enormity, ''"But you're not doing it."''<br />
<br />
"Oh, fuck off," he tells it, except in a more family-friendly way. Mutters something about jawas selling him defective lizards.<br />
<br />
Stops.<br />
<br />
Remembers.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Flashback to him trading with a bunch of jawas. He's in his trademark armour, except it's absolutely covered in slime, and surrounded by a cloud of fumes. He's haggling, in jawa. Does he even know jawa? He does in the flashback. It's unclear how accurate any of this is, as the colours are all wrong and the other jawas in the background sometimes randomly start floating and doing loop-de-loops before settling back down and resuming whatever they were doing. At one point we see a bunch of completely unrelated muppets doing a whole jizzy gig in the background. They're not there at all a moment later.<br />
<br />
It's a frustrating trade. They don't have what he's after. It's not clear what he's after anyway, since it's all in jawa, and he possibly doesn't remember now either. They pull out a bunch of other options. Half a broken droid. Half a working droid (it complains about being not even beside itself anymore). A sack of stinky fish. The engine from a speeder. A pile of guns important to some scene several episodes later. A tiny basket with a lizard.<br />
<br />
He trades his armour for the lizard. His blaster is already a stick, so no need to do anything with that.<br />
<br />
The lizard jumps up his nose, wiggles in, disappears entirely. He struggles, falls over. Stops.<br />
<br />
The voice says, from everywhere and nowhere at once, ''"Hi there,"'' even as all the world around shimmers, wavers, swirls into exquisitely coloured dust.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Jump back to the present, or whatever this is, and some more setting-appropriate cursing, which quickly deteriorates into incoherent babble, and then somehow reforms itself into some sort of mangled song as he starts running across the dunes.<br />
<br />
At some point he dives for cover. A moment later, flying beasts swarm through the air, chirping and twittering. He peers out from behind his cover, before pulling back, scrunching up further. "Need to stay focused," he tells himself. "Not here for the bats, the bats aren't it."<br />
<br />
After a bit the bats clear out. He stands up, looks around. The stars are gone. The sky is swimming in lurid hues of every colour imaginable, pulsing, throbbing, doing its very utmost to make everyone very ill, or something.<br />
<br />
"No!" he tells it. "You're not it either!" Shoots at the horrible lurid sky. Crouches down and shuffles away. Spies some plant-like shoots poking out from some craggy rocks, follows the rocks down, more plant things. Looks around suspiciously, before dropping down fully to the ground. Uses his stick to dig up a weird melon. Pops the top like a can of soda, and the fumes that emerge waver and shift, almost as if with a life of their own, as if trying to form some particular sort of shape.<br />
<br />
He waves the fumes away, then drinks the innards. Glares at the now-empty melon-thing, and informs it, "I don't like you." Nonchalantly stands up and hucks the shell away over his shoulder.<br />
<br />
Comes face to face with an oddly-specific figure, who asks him, "What if I don't like you either?"<br />
<br />
"I don't need you to like me," he answers. "Either work with me, or stay out of my way."<br />
<br />
The figure smirks. Turns to dust on the wind.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
It's night again, or maybe still. He's holding another melon, standing atop a huge towering butte, staring off into the abyssal sea of stars above as the sand blows across itself below into a blurred, insignificant horizon between.<br />
<br />
He drinks the contents, throws the shell over the edge, and it disappears into the distance.<br />
<br />
He blinks. Looks around. Asks, "How did I even get up here?"<br />
<br />
Adds, after a moment, and with a great deal of consternation, "Also ''why?''"<br />
<br />
''"Didn't you want to see the sea?"'' the voice asks.<br />
<br />
"I could have seen it just fine from down there!" he points out. He sighs. Turns around. Looks for a way down. Digs up a couple more melons for the road on the way. Winds up having to fight off some local wildlife, which seemed to be under the bizarre and very unfortunate (for them) impression that drug-man-with-blaster-stick is prey.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
It's day. He's sitting in the shade of some canyon thing. Sips his melon, tries to ignore all the chanting from above. Whatever they're doing, he doesn't like it. But it's also above him.<br />
<br />
Absentmindedly picks off some dried slime from his jumpsuit. His eyes water at the fumes. He coughs, falls over.<br />
<br />
Watches, in horror, as huge slabs of dried slime jiggle their way out of the dirt, wiggle their way out of the cracks in the cliffs, jitter their way through the air, and slam together with a weird snicketty shrieking sound each time another piece joins the whole, coalescing into a huge, giant, sandy, slimey, fluttering figure of... himself? But in armour. With maybe an actual blaster. Definitely a jetpack.<br />
<br />
It jetpacks away, up, out.<br />
<br />
He jetpacks out of the sarlaac, having finally remembered how to use it, through the thick, corrosive, mind-numbing fumes, muttering about its ears, gotta stop them, gotta snip them, all the ears, it's the ears in the tendrils, ears, all ears, ears. He travels quite a ways, past an actual city or two and totally oblivious of all the gorgeous desert panoramas besides, before finally running out of fuel. Falls out of the sky still muttering, and also twitching a bit. Ragdolls on impact, still completely oblivious as he continues to roll down the dune.<br />
<br />
Comes to a stop. Mutters something about happy nappy. Pats the ground securely, and stills.<br />
<br />
Strange insectoid blobs show up, bubbling and blurring, their shapes ever changing, right at home with the rest of the world all around them. They crackle and hiss like flames amongst each other. He tenses, not sure what to do, not sure how. They're so big, so wrong. Maybe they'll pass by if he just pretends he's dead?<br />
<br />
Nope. They cluster around, crackling, spitting. Poking. They try to take his armour. He leaps into action, swats at them with his not-quite-yet-stick, whirling and twirling. Howls that it's the ears, gotta snip the ears. The ears! Runs at them insistently as they scatter and flee, and chases after a bit, still shouting.<br />
<br />
The shapes start to settle a bit as they get away, much smaller than they'd initially looked. Also hairy. He stops before actually catching any, so they never do quite fully turn jawa just yet.<br />
<br />
He would be making so many crazy faces at this point, except we can't even see a one, because he still has his helmet on. Gotta settle for some rather inhuman sounds instead, perhaps.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Return to the present. We can see his face now, as he remembers, puts two and two together. Mostly he just looks vaguely uncomfortable. Not quite sure what to do with this information. Not quite sure it matters?<br />
<br />
Eyes his empty melon. Gives it a shake, waves it around a bit. Gets some residual fumes to emerge.<br />
<br />
They're awfully similar to the sarlaac fumes.<br />
<br />
''"Now he gets it,"'' the voice says, huge and everywhere and awful.<br />
<br />
"You're a hallucination," he tells the voice.<br />
<br />
''"Obviously,"'' it replies.<br />
<br />
"So why couldn't you be less awful?" he asks.<br />
<br />
It doesn't answer.<br />
<br />
He rolls his eyes. Tries again, "It's all hallucinations?"<br />
<br />
''"Only mostly,"'' it tells him. ''"Can't be too distracting, lest the desert seas never survive themselves."''<br />
<br />
"Am I even really here at all?" he asks.<br />
<br />
''"What is here? Here is what?"''<br />
<br />
He winces, pinches his eyes. Just gives up entirely and wanders off.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Maybe other stuff happens. Maybe not. Do we care? This probably covers most of the important bits, at least. The rest would just be further filler. Teasers. Stuff thrown in to see what people turn into memes already, hopefully, because that'll be the stuff to focus on, of course, if you definitely don't understand the lifecycle of memes.<br />
<br />
In the end, he's mostly sober, adjusted to this whole mess, just getting some continued vague weirdness from the melons. Maybe he's even starting to question if his stick really is anything more than a stick. Presumably some dramatic climactic reveal that this is definitely actually Boba Fett, complete with gratuitous namedropping, has finally occurred.<br />
<br />
;OBLIGATORY TITLE SCREEN AT THIS REVEAL, EVEN IF IT'S ALMOST THE END OF THE TIMESLOT ALREADY<br />
<br />
It's day, the suns beating down overhead. He's sitting by a marker, one of those tapering stacks of stones, indicating the way in the middle of a great flat vastness of rippling heat and nothing much but. In this case, the way is some of those unreal plant shoots, as if only painted badly on in post, and under them, more of those infernal melons to dig up like some sort of joke replacement for a well. He's drinking one, resigned to it, maybe even coming to savour it. Why not. It's all there is. He has no choice.<br />
<br />
A figure appears on the horizon. Rides up very, very, very slowly, because banthas are very, very, very slow, apparently.<br />
<br />
The guy just watches, disinterested. His stick is beside him, but he doesn't reach for it. Not yet. Plus the figure apparently also has a stick, but with mounted advantage. Typical.<br />
<br />
So he sits, watches, as the figure continues to approach, finally starting to actually look like someone on a bantha. Definitely has a stick.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett sighs.<br />
<br />
Finally, after a long, long, long approach, the figure arrives. Dismounts. It's a sandperson, but only one. Comes around, points the stick at Boba Fett.<br />
<br />
Turns out he's a bit beyond actually caring at this point, and just watches the sandperson impassively, waiting still. Daring the newcomer to either follow through or fuck off.<br />
<br />
The sandperson stands in deliberation, stick pointed quite certainly straight at sitting man's chest.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett doesn't even really react at all.<br />
<br />
''"He knows, same as you do,"'' the terrible everywhere nowhere voice says. ''"He knows."''<br />
<br />
"I don't," Boba Fett says. "So unless he can actually explain any of this, I am ''not'' interested."<br />
<br />
The sandperson rocks his head, seems to consider. Notes our madman's stick in turn, before finally lowering his own. Answers, in a language that definitely shouldn't be perfectly intelligible, but somehow totally is, "I can. Ride with me."<br />
<br />
<br />
== Episode 2: Well, that's a backstory, maybe ==<br />
<br />
Open on a stereotypical adventuretown settlement, desert edition. Star Wars bedouins, aka sand people, doing star wars bedouin non-raiding things, because why the hell would you even be going a viking ''all'' the time?! Obviously they do normal stuff too, somewhere, probably. Like at very least throw a moot and get high on concentrated melons or something maybe? But also come on, even if you know nothing about the culture you're aiming to stereotype, at least pull from something functionally similar. They're all pretty weird regardless, it's just different flavours.<br />
<br />
In this case, normal stuff at the moment seems to mostly consist of a couple of arguments amongst each other (possibly folks seated in something rocking-chair-like somewhere porchlike, drinking concentrated melons all day long like the proper old farts that they are), as well as some random pantsless tiny children running around screaming, with some sort of parental figure shouting at a pair of them in particular, and then a shoe flying at one of those, clonking that one on the head.<br />
<br />
Notably, this particular pair of pantsless tiny children appear, for whatever reason, to be twi'leks, making the pantlessness that tiny children the worlds over seem to be prone to all the more ironic. Never even mind how uncomfortable pants actually are in a hot desert, consider how most gamers seem to want to play twi'leks in MMOs. But nope, in this case, it's just typical tiny undergrown idiots being typical tiny undergrown idiots. Ensue obligatory pantslessness.<br />
<br />
Another shoe flies after them before we move on from this semi-pointless scene-setting.<br />
<br />
It may be of note that these sand people are, while still recognisably sand people somewhat, overall dressed and masked in a fashion rather different from previous portrayals. This isn't to break convention, however, so much as just to maybe possibly start to set things up to distinguish between different tribes, especially when we might possibly be on totally the other side of the planet from others previously seen on TV anyway (who we'll definitely obviously encounter later). Planets are big, yo. They're big.<br />
<br />
All of that probably sails over our viewers' heads regardless, and our two riders - the not-actually-titular Boba Fett and the for now still unnamed, masked-only fella who just randomly showed up out of nowhere and we're absolutely not calling Sherif Ali - finally dismount from the incredibly slow-moving bantha that has, thus far, allowed us in its slowness to still somehow fail to appreciate all the worldbuilding smashed into this random desert settlement.<br />
<br />
It's a little comical, really, considering the sheer size of the thing. They basically each drop down like overweight cats. The only thing missing is the loud thonks.<br />
<br />
They go into a yurt. Inside are two sandpeople in even differenter garb, fighting over what may or may not be the dial on what may or may not be some sort of portable stove. Flames erupt from the hob, then change colour, then go out. They're also arguing, something about how we need this temperature, so this colour, no we need it to not burn out the emitters, dude there's no point if we can't actually cook the thing anyway?! Etc, going around in circles a bit.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett gives them a dubious look. Raises an eyebrow at Not-Ali.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali crosses his arms.<br />
<br />
The two don't seem to notice, and continue arguing and fighting over the dial for an entire two more lines and four more bursts of flames before one of them makes an especially pretty purple fwoosh that sets the other one on fire.<br />
<br />
The not-on-fire one screams and flails a bit, before running away.<br />
<br />
The on-fire one falls over, but completely neglects to actually roll around on the probably actually somewhat fire-resistant carpets. Normal wool is surprisingly fire-resistant, turns out. Bantha wool might be positively impervious. At very least the yurt doesn't catch fire, whatever the case.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali finally steps forward, grabs the star wars version of a fire blanket (probably just a fire blanket, come on, you can make them out of just about whatever as long as it's gapless and has a relatively high ignition point) off a random post, and throws it over the on-fire person. Wraps them up a bit in a sort of twisting motion and fwips it back off.<br />
<br />
Just like that, fire's out, situation resolved.<br />
<br />
The stove makes a weird noise, so Not-Ali turns it off fully.<br />
<br />
"Seriously?" Boba Fett says, decidedly unimpressed by all this, on several levels.<br />
<br />
The other bickerer, now hiding behind something, peeks around the side of it. Pulls back abruptly when spotted.<br />
<br />
"I have no words," Not-Ali says. Shakes his head in utter disappointment, or something.<br />
<br />
"You mean besides those?" Boba Fett also steps over to take a look. Admits, "Not that I have any idea what to make of this either, but I don't really know what to make of any of this anyway."<br />
<br />
"Ashk-osk," Not-Ali commands. Jerks his head in a come-here motion as the other bickerer peers around at them again.<br />
<br />
Ashk-osk, apparently, finally emerges trepidatiously, scoots forward, drops to the ground at Not-Ali's feet.<br />
<br />
There's a bit of a pause, as if even Not-Ali wasn't actually expecting that. Then he just sighs. Asks them both, "Did Torishk Abernthadsol not tell you ''precisely'' what temperature you need?"<br />
<br />
The pair look at eat other (or at very least point their masks at each other), before the slightly-singed one admits, "Well... yes?"<br />
<br />
The other one also looks up and nods, after a slight further delay.<br />
<br />
"So what exactly is the problem?" Not-Ali asks.<br />
<br />
"Well..." the singed one starts. Trails off. Points his (?) mask at the other one.<br />
<br />
"The stove doesn't do that temperature?" Askh-osk says.<br />
<br />
"Do other stoves?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
"Uh..." Ashk-osk says. The two exchange looks again, and then, in perfect unison, flee out of the yurt, running right past our actually maybe important characters.<br />
<br />
"...what," Boba Fett says.<br />
<br />
"Some people are idiots," Not-Ali replies. Waggles his head. "It's a fact of life."<br />
<br />
;TITLE SCREEEEEEN?! OOOO BACKSTORY<br />
<br />
They wind up talking to some sort of Important Person further in, who seems to be some sort of secretary records keeper, or possibly the shaman guiding the entire tribe, or maybe some random granny or something, who gives them the sweeping grand backstory.<br />
<br />
It's an epic tale, complete with custom animation, depicting the origins of the tribe, their floating turtle-crawlers eating their way across the surface of the misting, churning, blinding oceans, and an infestation of totally-not-slugs that kept getting into their beer. They fought the slugs with weapons, with space swords and sticks shaped like blasters (the sticks being giant slugs too at this point might be a bit much), to no avail. They fought the slugs with poison, and near poisoned themselves more than the actual slugs (and maybe their slug-guns?). They fought the slugs with fire, and the slugs just became flaming slugs, not even bothered, still getting into their beer!<br />
<br />
So the tribe had to take drastic measures. They broke away from the other tribes, and set out alone in search of aid, or answers, or something. Something to use as slug repellent that actually worked, maybe? They encountered monsters, sirens, storms, the tribe's then-shaman-leader's mum, now giant and half-mum, half-kraken, and possibly not even the correct halves. Through it all they prevailed, or at least mostly survived, since they did at least still have some beer even if the slugs were eating a good half of it, and they weren't exactly helpless considering their floating turtle crawler was absolutely covered in giant guns... that may or may not have just been giant logs (or slugs) shaped like artillery, it's not entirely clear. Literally, the art style isn't the clearest.<br />
<br />
Until at last, at long, long last, they came to the Quantum Island, said to be spotted once in every man's lifespan, only to disappear the moment they look away.<br />
<br />
Only now, they all saw it. And they all stared at it. Did their utmost to not look away. Some blinked, but so long as others did not, it was okay, and so they coordinated their blinking! Until they could dock, a procedure that consisted of the crawler taking a giant chomp out of the island, eating approximately half of it in one bite.<br />
<br />
The bravest warriors disembarked, staring absolutely intently all the while, bug-eyed (the masks came later). Searched the island, under every rock, every bit of washed up weeds. Behind the single tree approximately eight different times.<br />
<br />
And that's where they found the lizard. Which promptly jumped up someone's nose and told him how to fix the problem: just dump all the beer from the affected vats, clean them out completely in the ocean, and get a new starter off another tribe. Dude.<br />
<br />
And so, armed with this new information, they headed back. Returned to the other tribes, did as the lizard said.<br />
<br />
And all was well.<br />
<br />
This whole tale takes maybe five minutes to tell, and ends with a pithy, "See? Totally reasonable."<br />
<br />
Boba Fett winces. Shakes his head. Says, "Yeah. No. I'm going."<br />
<br />
''"But now you know,"'' the horrible everywhere voice says, as he turns to leave.<br />
<br />
"No!" he shouts at it, not even stopping as he heads for the exit.<br />
<br />
The lizard jumps out of his nose, hits the floor with an entirely too wet-sounding splat, especially considering the ground is probably carpets, which really aren't that conducive to splats.<br />
<br />
Finally Boba Fett stops. Stares at it.<br />
<br />
The lizard doesn't move.<br />
<br />
He stares at it some more.<br />
<br />
"Yup," the shaman granny secretary says, going back to whatever she was doing before they'd shown up.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali comes around. Looks at the lizard. Looks at Boba Fett. Tilts his head enquiringly.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett pokes it with his stick.<br />
<br />
Immediately the lizard perks up and scuttles away. Dives into a bunch of random junk, and disappears.<br />
<br />
"It's real," Not-Ali says. "Welcome to the tribe." Pauses. Adds, with a slight shrug, "If you want."<br />
<br />
Boba Fett tries to speak. Sputters. Throws up his hands and gesticulates a bit. Finally just lets out a long, sad whimper, the desperation at this point written clearly across his face. Not even diagonally. Just straight across.<br />
<br />
"You can leave," Not-Ali goes on. "Wander on, see the sights. Find other civilisation if you want. Even go off-world if that's where you'd rather be. There's..." he trails off with a long sigh. "Options. Not really sure why more people don't take them."<br />
<br />
"Well... what about you?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali shrugs. "This is what I know. And I'm good at it. Damn good."<br />
<br />
"Eh?"<br />
<br />
"Damn good," Not-Ali repeats.<br />
<br />
"At what, exactly?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali just turns to leave, but indicates with his head to come with.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Outside the yurt once more, Not-Ali points in a seemingly random direction, and declares, "THIS."<br />
<br />
"Uh huh," Boba Fett says. "Okay."<br />
<br />
One of the old drunk porch farts shouts at them, "Hey, when ya gonna check out that construction out by back by way?" Waves a particularly fumy melon at them for emphasis, while Not-Ali just turns slowly to face him. Shouts as a followup, "You should totally check out that construction and tell us aaaaaall abouts it!"<br />
<br />
Not-Ali shifts his stance. Takes a deep, huge breath. Begins, initially quietly, "For the 87th time." Pauses for an even deeper breath, and bellows back his actual retort, like an angry foghorn: "I DON'T CARE!"<br />
<br />
The settlement goes silent, still. For a moment, the sheer loudness and its after-effects put a pause to everything all around. Then a bantha falls over, and sound resumes. Life goes on.<br />
<br />
The old fart grumbles, but pretty obviously intentionally still loudly enough for them to still hear it, "Well if you're gonna be like that about it..."<br />
<br />
"Yes!" Not-Ali barks back, still loudly, but at least not as. Quieter like a more normal, less violent sort of horn. "Yes I am."<br />
<br />
Which is amusing and all, but at some point, presumeably some actual plot should happen? What even is anyone after here, anyway? It never really was clear.<br />
<br />
Seriously, I'm not gonna make up an entire plot for a silly TV show that shouldn't even exist (for so many reasons). I got dumber plots to make up.<br />
<br />
[[Category:Wat]]<br />
[[Category:Star Wars]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=In_the_Desert&diff=4723In the Desert2024-01-11T23:49:50Z<p>Apheori: </p>
<hr />
<div>''Initiate distraction. Commence getting sidetracked.<br />
<br />
''Let's wander off entirely for a moment, shall we? Remember that show that really shouldn't have just been 'boba fett' anyway, since it wasn't? 'The Book of Boba Fett'? What in all the worlds were they even going for with that title? Though really, we can guess pretty easily, can't we. How very strange. How very limiting.<br />
<br />
''No, let's try that one again. It needs to be bigger than that. Wider. Fuller. No end in sight, not right here. Don't bake it right into the very beginning. Really? <br />
<br />
''Let's call it '''"In The Desert"''', because we're boring and most of the other references would make even less sense. And we can always set that scene, in theme or otherwise. Hint, time and again, at how very strange the deserts of this throwaway world might be (or, you know, whatever 'desert' the episode randomly winds up in), as all are, if you only stop to really look, and listen, and get a lizard up your nose. Only from there can you properly move on into something properly weird.<br />
<br />
'''''Notes:<br />
# ''Whatever else goes on, the main character's bantha must go forever nameless. It's probably more than one bantha anyway. No names, kids. No names.<br />
# ''There can be more than one main character. The main character is the desert. There can be more than one 'desert'. What is a desert, really?<br />
# ''Just tell the story in order. If there's more than story, just wrap the one up first before going to the other. Don't try to pull some Arrow shit, that didn't even work for Arrow that well anyway.<br />
# ''We already have gobs of artsy slow contemplative shows. Why not have some fun for a change? Also what the hell genre even is this?<br />
# ''The sand people aren't beduins, vikings, mongols, or retired gentlemen from southern italy. Which means we can throw in aspects of any of those willy-nilly. Or not.<br />
# ''There are a lot of tribes, and they're mostly different. Maybe some aren't different at all, just to mix things up. Maybe some are total barbarians and turn out to have gone way overboard with the drug melons and fried their brains completely. ...oops?<br />
# ''Every episode should have some sort of lizard-induced sort of silliness, a ridiculous tribal backstory, and/or a potential hallucination or five. Or something along those lines, anyway. It's a rule.<br />
# ''Every tribe has its own backstory. While they all come from roughly the same set of tales, they've diverged wildly since.<br />
# ''The timescale is unclear. Is it drugs, or laziness on the part of the writer? Why not both?<br />
# ''Prophetic hallucinations are not spoilers. The real thing can go absolutely however it wants. As many times as it wants. Maybe.<br />
# ''Most of the sand people absolutely loathe sand.<br />
<br />
<br />
== Episode 1: Oh look, it's Boba Fett ==<br />
<br />
It should open like Digger, or Fear and Loathing, or something else equally as insane, to really set the scene. Introduce everything, as the strange, wounded man wanders the desert, and weird shit happens. He's been here forever, or not. He meets people, things, rocks. Some are real, some are not. Open up, perhaps, with a shoot-out with a bunch of jawa-mounted banthas. The banthas are all floating a bit above the jawas for some reason, possibly just because otherwise the jawas wouldn't even be visible. He dodges their fire quite skilfully, though it turns out to be rocks. Shoots back, takes them out, one after another after another. They also turn out to be rocks, but much larger rocks. And yet more rocks continue to fly at him, because the sandstorm is still approaching.<br />
<br />
He has no armour at this point, just a sand-encrusted jumpsuit and a blaster-shaped stick. Does the stick actually work as a blaster? It might. It sure seems to, at least. He has no other supplies at all, however. No water, no food, no shovel, no shelter. Nothing to protect against the sandstorm, either. So he does what any drugged-out man with a stick would do: challenges the sandstorm to dare steal his shoes?!<br />
<br />
He actually might be wearing shoes. Nevermind that.<br />
<br />
It knocks him over, and he burrows into his shirt, blindly shaking the stick at the storm regardless, firing wildly.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
The storm passes, leaving behind a landscape of softened edges and snow-like accumulation. Of the man there is no sign, until he erupts forth from the sand zombie-style, true to the motions all the way through. It's night. The stars are like an ocean, dizzyingly deep. He shakes a stiffened fist and demands in a hoarse voice that they tell him what he's doing there. Who even is he? Who are you? Why am I asking you?! You're just stars! You can't even hear me!<br />
<br />
And then a voice answers, strange and terrible and everywhere: ''"You're still looking for a job, so stop getting distracted."''<br />
<br />
He reels at this. He has no idea what it's talking about, or what it is, or anything about it at all. He should be terrified. He's not. He makes an animalistic snarl, indignant-like, regaining his posture. Growls back, "I have a job!"<br />
<br />
The voice doesn't miss a beat. Answers, in awful enormity, ''"But you're not doing it."''<br />
<br />
"Oh, fuck off," he tells it, except in a more family-friendly way. Mutters something about jawas selling him defective lizards.<br />
<br />
Stops.<br />
<br />
Remembers.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Flashback to him trading with a bunch of jawas. He's in his trademark armour, except it's absolutely covered in slime, and surrounded by a cloud of fumes. He's haggling, in jawa. Does he even know jawa? He does in the flashback. It's unclear how accurate any of this is, as the colours are all wrong and the other jawas in the background sometimes randomly start floating and doing loop-de-loops before settling back down and resuming whatever they were doing. At one point we see a bunch of completely unrelated muppets doing a whole jizzy gig in the background. They're not there at all a moment later.<br />
<br />
It's a frustrating trade. They don't have what he's after. It's not clear what he's after anyway, since it's all in jawa, and he possibly doesn't remember now either. They pull out a bunch of other options. Half a broken droid. Half a working droid (it complains about being not even beside itself anymore). A sack of stinky fish. The engine from a speeder. A pile of guns important to some scene several episodes later. A tiny basket with a lizard.<br />
<br />
He trades his armour for the lizard. His blaster is already a stick, so no need to do anything with that.<br />
<br />
The lizard jumps up his nose, wiggles in, disappears entirely. He struggles, falls over. Stops.<br />
<br />
The voice says, from everywhere and nowhere at once, ''"Hi there,"'' even as all the world around shimmers, wavers, swirls into exquisitely coloured dust.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Jump back to the present, or whatever this is, and some more setting-appropriate cursing, which quickly deteriorates into incoherent babble, and then somehow reforms itself into some sort of mangled song as he starts running across the dunes.<br />
<br />
At some point he dives for cover. A moment later, flying beasts swarm through the air, chirping and twittering. He peers out from behind his cover, before pulling back, scrunching up further. "Need to stay focused," he tells himself. "Not here for the bats, the bats aren't it."<br />
<br />
After a bit the bats clear out. He stands up, looks around. The stars are gone. The sky is swimming in lurid hues of every colour imaginable, pulsing, throbbing, doing its very utmost to make everyone very ill, or something.<br />
<br />
"No!" he tells it. "You're not it either!" Shoots at the horrible lurid sky. Crouches down and shuffles away. Spies some plant-like shoots poking out from some craggy rocks, follows the rocks down, more plant things. Looks around suspiciously, before dropping down fully to the ground. Uses his stick to dig up a weird melon. Pops the top like a can of soda, and the fumes that emerge waver and shift, almost as if with a life of their own, as if trying to form some particular sort of shape.<br />
<br />
He waves the fumes away, then drinks the innards. Glares at the now-empty melon-thing, and informs it, "I don't like you." Nonchalantly stands up and hucks the shell away over his shoulder.<br />
<br />
Comes face to face with an oddly-specific figure, who asks him, "What if I don't like you either?"<br />
<br />
"I don't need you to like me," he answers. "Either work with me, or stay out of my way."<br />
<br />
The figure smirks. Turns to dust on the wind.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
It's night again, or maybe still. He's holding another melon, standing atop a huge towering butte, staring off into the abyssal sea of stars above as the sand blows across itself below into a blurred, insignificant horizon between.<br />
<br />
He drinks the contents, throws the shell over the edge, and it disappears into the distance.<br />
<br />
He blinks. Looks around. Asks, "How did I even get up here?"<br />
<br />
Adds, after a moment, and with a great deal of consternation, "Also ''why?''"<br />
<br />
''"Didn't you want to see the sea?"'' the voice asks.<br />
<br />
"I could have seen it just fine from down there!" he points out. He sighs. Turns around. Looks for a way down. Digs up a couple more melons for the road on the way. Winds up having to fight off some local wildlife, which seemed to be under the bizarre and very unfortunate (for them) impression that drug-man-with-blaster-stick is prey.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
It's day. He's sitting in the shade of some canyon thing. Sips his melon, tries to ignore all the chanting from above. Whatever they're doing, he doesn't like it. But it's also above him.<br />
<br />
Absentmindedly picks off some dried slime from his jumpsuit. His eyes water at the fumes. He coughs, falls over.<br />
<br />
Watches, in horror, as huge slabs of dried slime jiggle their way out of the dirt, wiggle their way out of the cracks in the cliffs, jitter their way through the air, and slam together with a weird snicketty shrieking sound each time another piece joins the whole, coalescing into a huge, giant, sandy, slimey, fluttering figure of... himself? But in armour. With maybe an actual blaster. Definitely a jetpack.<br />
<br />
It jetpacks away, up, out.<br />
<br />
He jetpacks out of the sarlaac, having finally remembered how to use it, through the thick, corrosive, mind-numbing fumes, muttering about its ears, gotta stop them, gotta snip them, all the ears, it's the ears in the tendrils, ears, all ears, ears. He travels quite a ways, past an actual city or two and totally oblivious of all the gorgeous desert panoramas besides, before finally running out of fuel. Falls out of the sky still muttering, and also twitching a bit. Ragdolls on impact, still completely oblivious as he continues to roll down the dune.<br />
<br />
Comes to a stop. Mutters something about happy nappy. Pats the ground securely, and stills.<br />
<br />
Strange insectoid blobs show up, bubbling and blurring, their shapes ever changing, right at home with the rest of the world all around them. They crackle and hiss like flames amongst each other. He tenses, not sure what to do, not sure how. They're so big, so wrong. Maybe they'll pass by if he just pretends he's dead?<br />
<br />
Nope. They cluster around, crackling, spitting. Poking. They try to take his armour. He leaps into action, swats at them with his not-quite-yet-stick, whirling and twirling. Howls that it's the ears, gotta snip the ears. The ears! Runs at them insistently as they scatter and flee, and chases after a bit, still shouting.<br />
<br />
The shapes start to settle a bit as they get away, much smaller than they'd initially looked. Also hairy. He stops before actually catching any, so they never do quite fully turn jawa just yet.<br />
<br />
He would be making so many crazy faces at this point, except we can't even see a one, because he still has his helmet on. Gotta settle for some rather inhuman sounds instead, perhaps.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Return to the present. We can see his face now, as he remembers, puts two and two together. Mostly he just looks vaguely uncomfortable. Not quite sure what to do with this information. Not quite sure it matters?<br />
<br />
Eyes his empty melon. Gives it a shake, waves it around a bit. Gets some residual fumes to emerge.<br />
<br />
They're awfully similar to the sarlaac fumes.<br />
<br />
''"Now he gets it,"'' the voice says, huge and everywhere and awful.<br />
<br />
"You're a hallucination," he tells the voice.<br />
<br />
''"Obviously,"'' it replies.<br />
<br />
"So why couldn't you be less awful?" he asks.<br />
<br />
It doesn't answer.<br />
<br />
He rolls his eyes. Tries again, "It's all hallucinations?"<br />
<br />
''"Only mostly,"'' it tells him. ''"Can't be too distracting, lest the desert seas never survive themselves."''<br />
<br />
"Am I even really here at all?" he asks.<br />
<br />
''"What is here? Here is what?"''<br />
<br />
He winces, pinches his eyes. Just gives up entirely and wanders off.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Maybe other stuff happens. Maybe not. Do we care? This probably covers most of the important bits, at least. The rest would just be further filler. Teasers. Stuff thrown in to see what people turn into memes already, hopefully, because that'll be the stuff to focus on, of course, if you definitely don't understand the lifecycle of memes.<br />
<br />
In the end, he's mostly sober, adjusted to this whole mess, just getting some continued vague weirdness from the melons. Maybe he's even starting to question if his stick really is anything more than a stick. Presumably some dramatic climactic reveal that this is definitely actually Boba Fett, complete with gratuitous namedropping, has finally occurred.<br />
<br />
;OBLIGATORY TITLE SCREEN AT THIS REVEAL, EVEN IF IT'S ALMOST THE END OF THE TIMESLOT ALREADY<br />
<br />
It's day, the suns beating down overhead. He's sitting by a marker, one of those tapering stacks of stones, indicating the way in the middle of a great flat vastness of rippling heat and nothing much but. In this case, the way is some of those unreal plant shoots, as if only painted badly on in post, and under them, more of those infernal melons to dig up like some sort of joke replacement for a well. He's drinking one, resigned to it, maybe even coming to savour it. Why not. It's all there is. He has no choice.<br />
<br />
A figure appears on the horizon. Rides up very, very, very slowly, because banthas are very, very, very slow, apparently.<br />
<br />
The guy just watches, disinterested. His stick is beside him, but he doesn't reach for it. Not yet. Plus the figure apparently also has a stick, but with mounted advantage. Typical.<br />
<br />
So he sits, watches, as the figure continues to approach, finally starting to actually look like someone on a bantha. Definitely has a stick.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett sighs.<br />
<br />
Finally, after a long, long, long approach, the figure arrives. Dismounts. It's a sandperson, but only one. Comes around, points the stick at Boba Fett.<br />
<br />
Turns out he's a bit beyond actually caring at this point, and just watches the sandperson impassively, waiting still. Daring the newcomer to either follow through or fuck off.<br />
<br />
The sandperson stands in deliberation, stick pointed quite certainly straight at sitting man's chest.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett doesn't even really react at all.<br />
<br />
''"He knows, same as you do,"'' the terrible everywhere nowhere voice says. ''"He knows."''<br />
<br />
"I don't," Boba Fett says. "So unless he can actually explain any of this, I am ''not'' interested."<br />
<br />
The sandperson rocks his head, seems to consider. Notes our madman's stick in turn, before finally lowering his own. Answers, in a language that definitely shouldn't be perfectly intelligible, but somehow totally is, "I can. Ride with me."<br />
<br />
<br />
== Episode 2: Well, that's a backstory, maybe ==<br />
<br />
Open on a stereotypical adventuretown settlement, desert edition. Star Wars bedouins, aka sand people, doing star wars bedouin non-raiding things, because why the hell would you even be going a viking ''all'' the time?! Obviously they do normal stuff too, somewhere, probably. Like at very least throw a moot and get high on concentrated melons or something maybe? But also come on, even if you know nothing about the culture you're aiming to stereotype, at least pull from something functionally similar. They're all pretty weird regardless, it's just different flavours.<br />
<br />
In this case, normal stuff at the moment seems to mostly consist of a couple of arguments amongst each other (possibly folks seated in something rocking-chair-like somewhere porchlike, drinking concentrated melons all day long like the proper old farts that they are), as well as some random pantsless tiny children running around screaming, with some sort of parental figure shouting at a pair of them in particular, and then a shoe flying at one of those, clonking that one on the head.<br />
<br />
Notably, this particular pair of pantsless tiny children appear, for whatever reason, to be twi'leks, making the pantlessness that tiny children the worlds over seem to be prone to all the more ironic. Never even mind how uncomfortable pants actually are in a hot desert, consider how most gamers seem to want to play twi'leks in MMOs. But nope, in this case, it's just typical tiny undergrown idiots being typical tiny undergrown idiots. Ensue obligatory pantslessness.<br />
<br />
Another shoe flies after them before we move on from this semi-pointless scene-setting.<br />
<br />
It may be of note that these sand people are, while still recognisably sand people somewhat, overall dressed and masked in a fashion rather different from previous portrayals. This isn't to break convention, however, so much as just to maybe possibly start to set things up to distinguish between different tribes, especially when we might possibly be on totally the other side of the planet from others previously seen on TV anyway (who we'll definitely obviously encounter later). Planets are big, yo. They're big.<br />
<br />
All of that probably sails over our viewers' heads regardless, and our two riders - the not-actually-titular Boba Fett and the for now still unnamed, masked-only fella who just randomly showed up out of nowhere and we're absolutely not calling Sherif Ali - finally dismount from the incredibly slow-moving bantha that has, thus far, allowed us in its slowness to still somehow fail to appreciate all the worldbuilding smashed into this random desert settlement.<br />
<br />
It's a little comical, really, considering the sheer size of the thing. They basically each drop down like overweight cats. The only thing missing is the loud thonks.<br />
<br />
They go into a yurt. Inside are two sandpeople in even differenter garb, fighting over what may or may not be the dial on what may or may not be some sort of portable stove. Flames erupt from the hob, then change colour, then go out. They're also arguing, something about how we need this temperature, so this colour, no we need it to not burn out the emitters, dude there's no point if we can't actually cook the thing anyway?! Etc, going around in circles a bit.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett gives them a dubious look. Raises an eyebrow at Not-Ali.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali crosses his arms.<br />
<br />
The two don't seem to notice, and continue arguing and fighting over the dial for an entire two more lines and four more bursts of flames before one of them makes an especially pretty purple fwoosh that sets the other one on fire.<br />
<br />
The not-on-fire one screams and flails a bit, before running away.<br />
<br />
The on-fire one falls over, but completely neglects to actually roll around on the probably actually somewhat fire-resistant carpets. Normal wool is surprisingly fire-resistant, turns out. Bantha wool might be positively impervious. At very least the yurt doesn't catch fire, whatever the case.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali finally steps forward, grabs the star wars version of a fire blanket (probably just a fire blanket, come on, you can make them out of just about whatever as long as it's gapless and has a relatively high ignition point) off a random post, and throws it over the on-fire person. Wraps them up a bit in a sort of twisting motion and fwips it back off.<br />
<br />
Just like that, fire's out, situation resolved.<br />
<br />
The stove makes a weird noise, so Not-Ali turns it off fully.<br />
<br />
"Seriously?" Boba Fett says, decidedly unimpressed by all this, on several levels.<br />
<br />
The other bickerer, now hiding behind something, peeks around the side of it. Pulls back abruptly when spotted.<br />
<br />
"I have no words," Not-Ali says. Shakes his head in utter disappointment, or something.<br />
<br />
"You mean besides those?" Boba Fett also steps over to take a look. Admits, "Not that I have any idea what to make of this either, but I don't really know what to make of any of this anyway."<br />
<br />
"Ashk-osk," Not-Ali commands. Jerks his head in a come-here motion as the other bickerer peers around at them again.<br />
<br />
Ashk-osk, apparently, finally emerges trepidatiously, scoots forward, drops to the ground at Not-Ali's feet.<br />
<br />
There's a bit of a pause, as if even Not-Ali wasn't actually expecting that. Then he just sighs. Asks them both, "Did Torishk Abernthadsol not tell you ''precisely'' what temperature you need?"<br />
<br />
The pair look at eat other (or at very least point their masks at each other), before the slightly-singed one admits, "Well... yes?"<br />
<br />
The other one also looks up and nods, after a slight further delay.<br />
<br />
"So what exactly is the problem?" Not-Ali asks.<br />
<br />
"Well..." the singed one starts. Trails off. Points his (?) mask at the other one.<br />
<br />
"The stove doesn't do that temperature?" Askh-osk says.<br />
<br />
"Do other stoves?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
"Uh..." Ashk-osk says. The two exchange looks again, and then, in perfect unison, flee out of the yurt, running right past our actually maybe important characters.<br />
<br />
"...what," Boba Fett says.<br />
<br />
"Some people are idiots," Not-Ali replies. Waggles his head. "It's a fact of life."<br />
<br />
;TITLE SCREEEEEEN?! OOOO BACKSTORY<br />
<br />
They wind up talking to some sort of Important Person further in, who seems to be some sort of secretary records keeper, or possibly the shaman guiding the entire tribe, or maybe some random granny or something, who gives them the sweeping grand backstory.<br />
<br />
It's an epic tale, complete with custom animation, depicting the origins of the tribe, their floating turtle-crawlers eating their way across the surface of the misting, churning, blinding oceans, and an infestation of totally-not-slugs that kept getting into their beer. They fought the slugs with weapons, with space swords and sticks shaped like blasters (the sticks being giant slugs too at this point might be a bit much), to no avail. They fought the slugs with poison, and near poisoned themselves more than the actual slugs (and maybe their slug-guns?). They fought the slugs with fire, and the slugs just became flaming slugs, not even bothered, still getting into their beer!<br />
<br />
So the tribe had to take drastic measures. They broke away from the other tribes, and set out alone in search of aid, or answers, or something. Something to use as slug repellent that actually worked, maybe? They encountered monsters, sirens, storms, the tribe's then-shaman-leader's mum, now giant and half-mum, half-kraken, and possibly not even the correct halves. Through it all they prevailed, or at least mostly survived, since they did at least still have some beer even if the slugs were eating a good half of it, and they weren't exactly helpless considering their floating turtle crawler was absolutely covered in giant guns... that may or may not have just been giant logs (or slugs) shaped like artillery, it's not entirely clear. Literally, the art style isn't the clearest.<br />
<br />
Until at last, at long, long last, they came to the Quantum Island, said to be spotted once in every man's lifespan, only to disappear the moment they look away.<br />
<br />
Only now, they all saw it. And they all stared at it. Did their utmost to not look away. Some blinked, but so long as others did not, it was okay, and so they coordinated their blinking! Until they could dock, a procedure that consisted of the crawler taking a giant chomp out of the island, eating approximately half of it in one bite.<br />
<br />
The bravest warriors disembarked, staring absolutely intently all the while, bug-eyed (the masks came later). Searched the island, under every rock, every bit of washed up weeds. Behind the single tree approximately eight different times.<br />
<br />
And that's where they found the lizard. Which promptly jumped up someone's nose and told him how to fix the problem: just dump all the beer from the affected vats, clean them out completely in the ocean, and get a new starter off another tribe. Dude.<br />
<br />
And so, armed with this new information, they headed back. Returned to the other tribes, did as the lizard said.<br />
<br />
And all was well.<br />
<br />
This whole tale takes maybe five minutes to tell, and ends with a pithy, "See? Totally reasonable."<br />
<br />
Boba Fett winces. Shakes his head. Says, "Yeah. No. I'm going."<br />
<br />
''"But now you know,"'' the horrible everywhere voice says, as he turns to leave.<br />
<br />
"No!" he shouts at it, not even stopping as he heads for the exit.<br />
<br />
The lizard jumps out of his nose, hits the floor with an entirely too wet-sounding splat, especially considering the ground is probably carpets, which really aren't that conducive to splats.<br />
<br />
Finally Boba Fett stops. Stares at it.<br />
<br />
The lizard doesn't move.<br />
<br />
He stares at it some more.<br />
<br />
"Yup," the shaman granny secretary says, going back to whatever she was doing before they'd shown up.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali comes around. Looks at the lizard. Looks at Boba Fett. Tilts his head enquiringly.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett pokes it with his stick.<br />
<br />
Immediately the lizard perks up and scuttles away. Dives into a bunch of random junk, and disappears.<br />
<br />
"It's real," Not-Ali says. "Welcome to the tribe." Pauses. Adds, with a slight shrug, "If you want."<br />
<br />
Boba Fett tries to speak. Sputters. Throws up his hands and gesticulates a bit. Finally just lets out a long, sad whimper, the desperation at this point written clearly across his face. Not even diagonally. Just straight across.<br />
<br />
"You can leave," Not-Ali goes on. "Wander on, see the sights. Find other civilisation if you want. Even go off-world if that's where you'd rather be. There's..." he trails off with a long sigh. "Options. Not really sure why more people don't take them."<br />
<br />
"Well... what about you?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali shrugs. "This is what I know. And I'm good at it. Damn good."<br />
<br />
"Eh?"<br />
<br />
"Damn good," Not-Ali repeats.<br />
<br />
"At what, exactly?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali just turns to leave, but indicates with his head to come with.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Outside the yurt once more, Not-Ali points in a seemingly random direction, and declares, "THIS."<br />
<br />
"Uh huh," Boba Fett says. "Okay."<br />
<br />
One of the old drunk porch farts shouts at them, "Hey, when ya gonna check out that construction out by back by way?" Waves a particularly fumy melon at them for emphasis, while Not-Ali just turns slowly to face him. Shouts as a followup, "You should totally check out that construction and tell us aaaaaall abouts it!"<br />
<br />
Not-Ali shifts his stance. Takes a deep, huge breath. Begins, initially quietly, "For the 87th time." Pauses for an even deeper breath, and bellows back his actual retort, like an angry foghorn: "I DON'T CARE!"<br />
<br />
The settlement goes silent, still. For a moment, the sheer loudness and its after-effects put a pause to everything all around. Then a bantha falls over, and sound resumes. Life goes on.<br />
<br />
The old fart grumbles, but pretty obviously intentionally still loudly enough for them to still hear it, "Well if you're gonna be like that about it..."<br />
<br />
"Yes!" Not-Ali barks back, still loudly, but at least not as. Quieter like a more normal, less violent sort of horn. "Yes I am."<br />
<br />
Which is amusing and all, but at some point, presumeably some actual plot should happen? What even is anyone after here, anyway? It never really was clear.<br />
<br />
Seriously, I'm not gonna make up an entire plot for a silly TV show that shouldn't even exist (for so many reasons). I got dumber plots to make up.<br />
<br />
[[Category:Wat]]<br />
[[Category:Star Wars]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=In_the_Desert&diff=4722In the Desert2024-01-11T23:43:36Z<p>Apheori: </p>
<hr />
<div>''Initiate distraction. Commence getting sidetracked.<br />
<br />
''Let's wander off entirely for a moment, shall we? Remember that show that really shouldn't have just been 'boba fett' anyway, since it wasn't? 'The Book of Boba Fett'? What in all the worlds were they even going for with that title? How very strange. How very limiting.<br />
<br />
''No, let's try that one again. It needs to be bigger than that. Wider. Fuller. No end in sight, not right here. Don't bake it right into the very beginning. Really? <br />
<br />
''Let's call it '''"In The Desert"''', because we're boring and most of the other references would make even less sense. And we can always set that scene, in theme or otherwise. Hint, time and again, at how very strange the deserts of this throwaway world might be (or you know, whatever 'desert' the episode randomly winds up in), as all are, if you only stop to really look, and listen, and get a lizard up your nose. Only from there can you properly move on into something properly weird.<br />
<br />
'''''Notes:<br />
# ''Whatever else goes on, the main character's bantha must go forever nameless. It's probably more than one bantha anyway. Slip up, and we can fob it off to some other recurring character's bantha if need be, too. No names, kids. No names.<br />
# ''Just tell the story in order. Don't try to pull some Arrow shit, that didn't even work for Arrow that well anyway.<br />
# ''We already have gobs of artsy slow contemplative shows. Why not have some fun for a change? Also what the hell genre even is this?<br />
# ''The sand people aren't beduins, vikings, mongols, or retired gentlemen from southern italy. Which means we can throw in aspects of any of those willy-nilly. Or not.<br />
# ''There are a lot of tribes, and they're mostly different. Maybe some aren't different at all, just to mix things up. Maybe some are total barbarians and turn out to have gone way overboard with the drug melons and fried their brains completely. ...oops?<br />
# ''Every episode should have some sort of lizard-induced sort of silliness, a ridiculous tribal backstory (thought they do need to be at least based in something consistent with each other, and we need one every time we meet a new tribe), and/or a potential hallucination or five. Or something along those lines, anyway. It's a rule.<br />
# ''The timescale is unclear. Is it drugs, or laziness on the part of the writer? Why not both?<br />
# ''Prophetic hallucinations are not spoilers. The real thing can go absolutely however it wants. As many times as it wants. Maybe.<br />
# ''Most of the sand people absolutely loathe sand.<br />
<br />
<br />
== Episode 1: Oh look, it's Boba Fett ==<br />
<br />
It should open like Digger, or Fear and Loathing, or something else equally as insane, to really set the scene. Introduce everything, as the strange, wounded man wanders the desert, and weird shit happens. He's been here forever, or not. He meets people, things, rocks. Some are real, some are not. Open up, perhaps, with a shoot-out with a bunch of jawa-mounted banthas. The banthas are all floating a bit above the jawas for some reason, possibly just because otherwise the jawas wouldn't even be visible. He dodges their fire quite skilfully, though it turns out to be rocks. Shoots back, takes them out, one after another after another. They also turn out to be rocks, but much larger rocks. And yet more rocks continue to fly at him, because the sandstorm is still approaching.<br />
<br />
He has no armour at this point, just a sand-encrusted jumpsuit and a blaster-shaped stick. Does the stick actually work as a blaster? It might. It sure seems to, at least. He has no other supplies at all, however. No water, no food, no shovel, no shelter. Nothing to protect against the sandstorm, either. So he does what any drugged-out man with a stick would do: challenges the sandstorm to dare steal his shoes?!<br />
<br />
He actually might be wearing shoes. Nevermind that.<br />
<br />
It knocks him over, and he burrows into his shirt, blindly shaking the stick at the storm regardless, firing wildly.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
The storm passes, leaving behind a landscape of softened edges and snow-like accumulation. Of the man there is no sign, until he erupts forth from the sand zombie-style, true to the motions all the way through. It's night. The stars are like an ocean, dizzyingly deep. He shakes a stiffened fist and demands in a hoarse voice that they tell him what he's doing there. Who even is he? Who are you? Why am I asking you?! You're just stars! You can't even hear me!<br />
<br />
And then a voice answers, strange and terrible and everywhere: ''"You're still looking for a job, so stop getting distracted."''<br />
<br />
He reels at this. He has no idea what it's talking about, or what it is, or anything about it at all. He should be terrified. He's not. He makes an animalistic snarl, indignant-like, regaining his posture. Growls back, "I have a job!"<br />
<br />
The voice doesn't miss a beat. Answers, in awful enormity, ''"But you're not doing it."''<br />
<br />
"Oh, fuck off," he tells it, except in a more family-friendly way. Mutters something about jawas selling him defective lizards.<br />
<br />
Stops.<br />
<br />
Remembers.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Flashback to him trading with a bunch of jawas. He's in his trademark armour, except it's absolutely covered in slime, and surrounded by a cloud of fumes. He's haggling, in jawa. Does he even know jawa? He does in the flashback. It's unclear how accurate any of this is, as the colours are all wrong and the other jawas in the background sometimes randomly start floating and doing loop-de-loops before settling back down and resuming whatever they were doing. At one point we see a bunch of completely unrelated muppets doing a whole jizzy gig in the background. They're not there at all a moment later.<br />
<br />
It's a frustrating trade. They don't have what he's after. It's not clear what he's after anyway, since it's all in jawa, and he possibly doesn't remember now either. They pull out a bunch of other options. Half a broken droid. Half a working droid (it complains about being not even beside itself anymore). A sack of stinky fish. The engine from a speeder. A pile of guns important to some scene several episodes later. A tiny basket with a lizard.<br />
<br />
He trades his armour for the lizard. His blaster is already a stick, so no need to do anything with that.<br />
<br />
The lizard jumps up his nose, wiggles in, disappears entirely. He struggles, falls over. Stops.<br />
<br />
The voice says, from everywhere and nowhere at once, ''"Hi there,"'' even as all the world around shimmers, wavers, swirls into exquisitely coloured dust.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Jump back to the present, or whatever this is, and some more setting-appropriate cursing, which quickly deteriorates into incoherent babble, and then somehow reforms itself into some sort of mangled song as he starts running across the dunes.<br />
<br />
At some point he dives for cover. A moment later, flying beasts swarm through the air, chirping and twittering. He peers out from behind his cover, before pulling back, scrunching up further. "Need to stay focused," he tells himself. "Not here for the bats, the bats aren't it."<br />
<br />
After a bit the bats clear out. He stands up, looks around. The stars are gone. The sky is swimming in lurid hues of every colour imaginable, pulsing, throbbing, doing its very utmost to make everyone very ill, or something.<br />
<br />
"No!" he tells it. "You're not it either!" Shoots at the horrible lurid sky. Crouches down and shuffles away. Spies some plant-like shoots poking out from some craggy rocks, follows the rocks down, more plant things. Looks around suspiciously, before dropping down fully to the ground. Uses his stick to dig up a weird melon. Pops the top like a can of soda, and the fumes that emerge waver and shift, almost as if with a life of their own, as if trying to form some particular sort of shape.<br />
<br />
He waves the fumes away, then drinks the innards. Glares at the now-empty melon-thing, and informs it, "I don't like you." Nonchalantly stands up and hucks the shell away over his shoulder.<br />
<br />
Comes face to face with an oddly-specific figure, who asks him, "What if I don't like you either?"<br />
<br />
"I don't need you to like me," he answers. "Either work with me, or stay out of my way."<br />
<br />
The figure smirks. Turns to dust on the wind.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
It's night again, or maybe still. He's holding another melon, standing atop a huge towering butte, staring off into the abyssal sea of stars above as the sand blows across itself below into a blurred, insignificant horizon between.<br />
<br />
He drinks the contents, throws the shell over the edge, and it disappears into the distance.<br />
<br />
He blinks. Looks around. Asks, "How did I even get up here?"<br />
<br />
Adds, after a moment, and with a great deal of consternation, "Also ''why?''"<br />
<br />
''"Didn't you want to see the sea?"'' the voice asks.<br />
<br />
"I could have seen it just fine from down there!" he points out. He sighs. Turns around. Looks for a way down. Digs up a couple more melons for the road on the way. Winds up having to fight off some local wildlife, which seemed to be under the bizarre and very unfortunate (for them) impression that drug-man-with-blaster-stick is prey.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
It's day. He's sitting in the shade of some canyon thing. Sips his melon, tries to ignore all the chanting from above. Whatever they're doing, he doesn't like it. But it's also above him.<br />
<br />
Absentmindedly picks off some dried slime from his jumpsuit. His eyes water at the fumes. He coughs, falls over.<br />
<br />
Watches, in horror, as huge slabs of dried slime jiggle their way out of the dirt, wiggle their way out of the cracks in the cliffs, jitter their way through the air, and slam together with a weird snicketty shrieking sound each time another piece joins the whole, coalescing into a huge, giant, sandy, slimey, fluttering figure of... himself? But in armour. With maybe an actual blaster. Definitely a jetpack.<br />
<br />
It jetpacks away, up, out.<br />
<br />
He jetpacks out of the sarlaac, having finally remembered how to use it, through the thick, corrosive, mind-numbing fumes, muttering about its ears, gotta stop them, gotta snip them, all the ears, it's the ears in the tendrils, ears, all ears, ears. He travels quite a ways, past an actual city or two and totally oblivious of all the gorgeous desert panoramas besides, before finally running out of fuel. Falls out of the sky still muttering, and also twitching a bit. Ragdolls on impact, still completely oblivious as he continues to roll down the dune.<br />
<br />
Comes to a stop. Mutters something about happy nappy. Pats the ground securely, and stills.<br />
<br />
Strange insectoid blobs show up, bubbling and blurring, their shapes ever changing, right at home with the rest of the world all around them. They crackle and hiss like flames amongst each other. He tenses, not sure what to do, not sure how. They're so big, so wrong. Maybe they'll pass by if he just pretends he's dead?<br />
<br />
Nope. They cluster around, crackling, spitting. Poking. They try to take his armour. He leaps into action, swats at them with his not-quite-yet-stick, whirling and twirling. Howls that it's the ears, gotta snip the ears. The ears! Runs at them insistently as they scatter and flee, and chases after a bit, still shouting.<br />
<br />
The shapes start to settle a bit as they get away, much smaller than they'd initially looked. Also hairy. He stops before actually catching any, so they never do quite fully turn jawa just yet.<br />
<br />
He would be making so many crazy faces at this point, except we can't even see a one, because he still has his helmet on. Gotta settle for some rather inhuman sounds instead, perhaps.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Return to the present. We can see his face now, as he remembers, puts two and two together. Mostly he just looks vaguely uncomfortable. Not quite sure what to do with this information. Not quite sure it matters?<br />
<br />
Eyes his empty melon. Gives it a shake, waves it around a bit. Gets some residual fumes to emerge.<br />
<br />
They're awfully similar to the sarlaac fumes.<br />
<br />
''"Now he gets it,"'' the voice says, huge and everywhere and awful.<br />
<br />
"You're a hallucination," he tells the voice.<br />
<br />
''"Obviously,"'' it replies.<br />
<br />
"So why couldn't you be less awful?" he asks.<br />
<br />
It doesn't answer.<br />
<br />
He rolls his eyes. Tries again, "It's all hallucinations?"<br />
<br />
''"Only mostly,"'' it tells him. ''"Can't be too distracting, lest the desert seas never survive themselves."''<br />
<br />
"Am I even really here at all?" he asks.<br />
<br />
''"What is here? Here is what?"''<br />
<br />
He winces, pinches his eyes. Just gives up entirely and wanders off.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Maybe other stuff happens. Maybe not. Do we care? This probably covers most of the important bits, at least. The rest would just be further filler. Teasers. Stuff thrown in to see what people turn into memes already, hopefully, because that'll be the stuff to focus on, of course, if you definitely don't understand the lifecycle of memes.<br />
<br />
In the end, he's mostly sober, adjusted to this whole mess, just getting some continued vague weirdness from the melons. Maybe he's even starting to question if his stick really is anything more than a stick. Presumably some dramatic climactic reveal that this is definitely actually Boba Fett, complete with gratuitous namedropping, has finally occurred.<br />
<br />
;OBLIGATORY TITLE SCREEN AT THIS REVEAL, EVEN IF IT'S ALMOST THE END OF THE TIMESLOT ALREADY<br />
<br />
It's day, the suns beating down overhead. He's sitting by a marker, one of those tapering stacks of stones, indicating the way in the middle of a great flat vastness of rippling heat and nothing much but. In this case, the way is some of those unreal plant shoots, as if only painted badly on in post, and under them, more of those infernal melons to dig up like some sort of joke replacement for a well. He's drinking one, resigned to it, maybe even coming to savour it. Why not. It's all there is. He has no choice.<br />
<br />
A figure appears on the horizon. Rides up very, very, very slowly, because banthas are very, very, very slow, apparently.<br />
<br />
The guy just watches, disinterested. His stick is beside him, but he doesn't reach for it. Not yet. Plus the figure apparently also has a stick, but with mounted advantage. Typical.<br />
<br />
So he sits, watches, as the figure continues to approach, finally starting to actually look like someone on a bantha. Definitely has a stick.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett sighs.<br />
<br />
Finally, after a long, long, long approach, the figure arrives. Dismounts. It's a sandperson, but only one. Comes around, points the stick at Boba Fett.<br />
<br />
Turns out he's a bit beyond actually caring at this point, and just watches the sandperson impassively, waiting still. Daring the newcomer to either follow through or fuck off.<br />
<br />
The sandperson stands in deliberation, stick pointed quite certainly straight at sitting man's chest.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett doesn't even really react at all.<br />
<br />
''"He knows, same as you do,"'' the terrible everywhere nowhere voice says. ''"He knows."''<br />
<br />
"I don't," Boba Fett says. "So unless he can actually explain any of this, I am ''not'' interested."<br />
<br />
The sandperson rocks his head, seems to consider. Notes our madman's stick in turn, before finally lowering his own. Answers, in a language that definitely shouldn't be perfectly intelligible, but somehow totally is, "I can. Ride with me."<br />
<br />
<br />
== Episode 2: Well, that's a backstory, maybe ==<br />
<br />
Open on a stereotypical adventuretown settlement, desert edition. Star Wars bedouins, aka sand people, doing star wars bedouin non-raiding things, because why the hell would you even be going a viking ''all'' the time?! Obviously they do normal stuff too, somewhere, probably. Like at very least throw a moot and get high on concentrated melons or something maybe? But also come on, even if you know nothing about the culture you're aiming to stereotype, at least pull from something functionally similar. They're all pretty weird regardless, it's just different flavours.<br />
<br />
In this case, normal stuff at the moment seems to mostly consist of a couple of arguments amongst each other (possibly folks seated in something rocking-chair-like somewhere porchlike, drinking concentrated melons all day long like the proper old farts that they are), as well as some random pantsless tiny children running around screaming, with some sort of parental figure shouting at a pair of them in particular, and then a shoe flying at one of those, clonking that one on the head.<br />
<br />
Notably, this particular pair of pantsless tiny children appear, for whatever reason, to be twi'leks, making the pantlessness that tiny children the worlds over seem to be prone to all the more ironic. Never even mind how uncomfortable pants actually are in a hot desert, consider how most gamers seem to want to play twi'leks in MMOs. But nope, in this case, it's just typical tiny undergrown idiots being typical tiny undergrown idiots. Ensue obligatory pantslessness.<br />
<br />
Another shoe flies after them before we move on from this semi-pointless scene-setting.<br />
<br />
It may be of note that these sand people are, while still recognisably sand people somewhat, overall dressed and masked in a fashion rather different from previous portrayals. This isn't to break convention, however, so much as just to maybe possibly start to set things up to distinguish between different tribes, especially when we might possibly be on totally the other side of the planet from others previously seen on TV anyway (who we'll definitely obviously encounter later). Planets are big, yo. They're big.<br />
<br />
All of that probably sails over our viewers' heads regardless, and our two riders - the not-actually-titular Boba Fett and the for now still unnamed, masked-only fella who just randomly showed up out of nowhere and we're absolutely not calling Sherif Ali - finally dismount from the incredibly slow-moving bantha that has, thus far, allowed us in its slowness to still somehow fail to appreciate all the worldbuilding smashed into this random desert settlement.<br />
<br />
It's a little comical, really, considering the sheer size of the thing. They basically each drop down like overweight cats. The only thing missing is the loud thonks.<br />
<br />
They go into a yurt. Inside are two sandpeople in even differenter garb, fighting over what may or may not be the dial on what may or may not be some sort of portable stove. Flames erupt from the hob, then change colour, then go out. They're also arguing, something about how we need this temperature, so this colour, no we need it to not burn out the emitters, dude there's no point if we can't actually cook the thing anyway?! Etc, going around in circles a bit.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett gives them a dubious look. Raises an eyebrow at Not-Ali.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali crosses his arms.<br />
<br />
The two don't seem to notice, and continue arguing and fighting over the dial for an entire two more lines and four more bursts of flames before one of them makes an especially pretty purple fwoosh that sets the other one on fire.<br />
<br />
The not-on-fire one screams and flails a bit, before running away.<br />
<br />
The on-fire one falls over, but completely neglects to actually roll around on the probably actually somewhat fire-resistant carpets. Normal wool is surprisingly fire-resistant, turns out. Bantha wool might be positively impervious. At very least the yurt doesn't catch fire, whatever the case.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali finally steps forward, grabs the star wars version of a fire blanket (probably just a fire blanket, come on, you can make them out of just about whatever as long as it's gapless and has a relatively high ignition point) off a random post, and throws it over the on-fire person. Wraps them up a bit in a sort of twisting motion and fwips it back off.<br />
<br />
Just like that, fire's out, situation resolved.<br />
<br />
The stove makes a weird noise, so Not-Ali turns it off fully.<br />
<br />
"Seriously?" Boba Fett says, decidedly unimpressed by all this, on several levels.<br />
<br />
The other bickerer, now hiding behind something, peeks around the side of it. Pulls back abruptly when spotted.<br />
<br />
"I have no words," Not-Ali says. Shakes his head in utter disappointment, or something.<br />
<br />
"You mean besides those?" Boba Fett also steps over to take a look. Admits, "Not that I have any idea what to make of this either, but I don't really know what to make of any of this anyway."<br />
<br />
"Ashk-osk," Not-Ali commands. Jerks his head in a come-here motion as the other bickerer peers around at them again.<br />
<br />
Ashk-osk, apparently, finally emerges trepidatiously, scoots forward, drops to the ground at Not-Ali's feet.<br />
<br />
There's a bit of a pause, as if even Not-Ali wasn't actually expecting that. Then he just sighs. Asks them both, "Did Torishk Abernthadsol not tell you ''precisely'' what temperature you need?"<br />
<br />
The pair look at eat other (or at very least point their masks at each other), before the slightly-singed one admits, "Well... yes?"<br />
<br />
The other one also looks up and nods, after a slight further delay.<br />
<br />
"So what exactly is the problem?" Not-Ali asks.<br />
<br />
"Well..." the singed one starts. Trails off. Points his (?) mask at the other one.<br />
<br />
"The stove doesn't do that temperature?" Askh-osk says.<br />
<br />
"Do other stoves?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
"Uh..." Ashk-osk says. The two exchange looks again, and then, in perfect unison, flee out of the yurt, running right past our actually maybe important characters.<br />
<br />
"...what," Boba Fett says.<br />
<br />
"Some people are idiots," Not-Ali replies. Waggles his head. "It's a fact of life."<br />
<br />
;TITLE SCREEEEEEN?! OOOO BACKSTORY<br />
<br />
They wind up talking to some sort of Important Person further in, who seems to be some sort of secretary records keeper, or possibly the shaman guiding the entire tribe, or maybe some random granny or something, who gives them the sweeping grand backstory.<br />
<br />
It's an epic tale, complete with custom animation, depicting the origins of the tribe, their floating turtle-crawlers eating their way across the surface of the misting, churning, blinding oceans, and an infestation of totally-not-slugs that kept getting into their beer. They fought the slugs with weapons, with space swords and sticks shaped like blasters (the sticks being giant slugs too at this point might be a bit much), to no avail. They fought the slugs with poison, and near poisoned themselves more than the actual slugs (and maybe their slug-guns?). They fought the slugs with fire, and the slugs just became flaming slugs, not even bothered, still getting into their beer!<br />
<br />
So the tribe had to take drastic measures. They broke away from the other tribes, and set out alone in search of aid, or answers, or something. Something to use as slug repellent that actually worked, maybe? They encountered monsters, sirens, storms, the tribe's then-shaman-leader's mum, now giant and half-mum, half-kraken, and possibly not even the correct halves. Through it all they prevailed, or at least mostly survived, since they did at least still have some beer even if the slugs were eating a good half of it, and they weren't exactly helpless considering their floating turtle crawler was absolutely covered in giant guns... that may or may not have just been giant logs (or slugs) shaped like artillery, it's not entirely clear. Literally, the art style isn't the clearest.<br />
<br />
Until at last, at long, long last, they came to the Quantum Island, said to be spotted once in every man's lifespan, only to disappear the moment they look away.<br />
<br />
Only now, they all saw it. And they all stared at it. Did their utmost to not look away. Some blinked, but so long as others did not, it was okay, and so they coordinated their blinking! Until they could dock, a procedure that consisted of the crawler taking a giant chomp out of the island, eating approximately half of it in one bite.<br />
<br />
The bravest warriors disembarked, staring absolutely intently all the while, bug-eyed (the masks came later). Searched the island, under every rock, every bit of washed up weeds. Behind the single tree approximately eight different times.<br />
<br />
And that's where they found the lizard. Which promptly jumped up someone's nose and told him how to fix the problem: just dump all the beer from the affected vats, clean them out completely in the ocean, and get a new starter off another tribe. Dude.<br />
<br />
And so, armed with this new information, they headed back. Returned to the other tribes, did as the lizard said.<br />
<br />
And all was well.<br />
<br />
This whole tale takes maybe five minutes to tell, and ends with a pithy, "See? Totally reasonable."<br />
<br />
Boba Fett winces. Shakes his head. Says, "Yeah. No. I'm going."<br />
<br />
''"But now you know,"'' the horrible everywhere voice says, as he turns to leave.<br />
<br />
"No!" he shouts at it, not even stopping as he heads for the exit.<br />
<br />
The lizard jumps out of his nose, hits the floor with an entirely too wet-sounding splat, especially considering the ground is probably carpets, which really aren't that conducive to splats.<br />
<br />
Finally Boba Fett stops. Stares at it.<br />
<br />
The lizard doesn't move.<br />
<br />
He stares at it some more.<br />
<br />
"Yup," the shaman granny secretary says, going back to whatever she was doing before they'd shown up.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali comes around. Looks at the lizard. Looks at Boba Fett. Tilts his head enquiringly.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett pokes it with his stick.<br />
<br />
Immediately the lizard perks up and scuttles away. Dives into a bunch of random junk, and disappears.<br />
<br />
"It's real," Not-Ali says. "Welcome to the tribe." Pauses. Adds, with a slight shrug, "If you want."<br />
<br />
Boba Fett tries to speak. Sputters. Throws up his hands and gesticulates a bit. Finally just lets out a long, sad whimper, the desperation at this point written clearly across his face. Not even diagonally. Just straight across.<br />
<br />
"You can leave," Not-Ali goes on. "Wander on, see the sights. Find other civilisation if you want. Even go off-world if that's where you'd rather be. There's..." he trails off with a long sigh. "Options. Not really sure why more people don't take them."<br />
<br />
"Well... what about you?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali shrugs. "This is what I know. And I'm good at it. Damn good."<br />
<br />
"Eh?"<br />
<br />
"Damn good," Not-Ali repeats.<br />
<br />
"At what, exactly?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali just turns to leave, but indicates with his head to come with.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Outside the yurt once more, Not-Ali points in a seemingly random direction, and declares, "THIS."<br />
<br />
"Uh huh," Boba Fett says. "Okay."<br />
<br />
One of the old drunk porch farts shouts at them, "Hey, when ya gonna check out that construction out by back by way?" Waves a particularly fumy melon at them for emphasis, while Not-Ali just turns slowly to face him. Shouts as a followup, "You should totally check out that construction and tell us aaaaaall abouts it!"<br />
<br />
Not-Ali shifts his stance. Takes a deep, huge breath. Begins, initially quietly, "For the 87th time." Pauses for an even deeper breath, and bellows back his actual retort, like an angry foghorn: "I DON'T CARE!"<br />
<br />
The settlement goes silent, still. For a moment, the sheer loudness and its after-effects put a pause to everything all around. Then a bantha falls over, and sound resumes. Life goes on.<br />
<br />
The old fart grumbles, but pretty obviously intentionally still loudly enough for them to still hear it, "Well if you're gonna be like that about it..."<br />
<br />
"Yes!" Not-Ali barks back, still loudly, but at least not as. Quieter like a more normal, less violent sort of horn. "Yes I am."<br />
<br />
Which is amusing and all, but at some point, presumeably some actual plot should happen? What even is anyone after here, anyway? It never really was clear.<br />
<br />
Seriously, I'm not gonna make up an entire plot for a silly TV show that shouldn't even exist (for so many reasons). I got dumber plots to make up.<br />
<br />
[[Category:Wat]]<br />
[[Category:Star Wars]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=In_the_Desert&diff=4721In the Desert2024-01-11T23:42:41Z<p>Apheori: Oh right let's call them yurts</p>
<hr />
<div>''Initiate distraction. Commence getting sidetracked.<br />
<br />
''Let's wander off entirely for a moment, shall we? Remember that show that really shouldn't have just been 'boba fett' anyway, since it wasn't? 'The Book of Boba Fett'? What in all the worlds were they even going for with that title? How very strange. How very limiting.<br />
<br />
''No, let's try that one again. It needs to be bigger than that. Wider. Fuller. No end in sight, not right here. Don't bake it right into the very beginning. Really? <br />
<br />
''Let's call it '''"In The Desert"''', because we're boring and most of the other references would make even less sense. And we can always set that scene, in theme or otherwise. Hint, time and again, at how very strange the deserts of this throwaway world might be, as all are, if you only stop to really look, and listen, and get a lizard up your nose. Only from there can you properly move on into something properly weird.<br />
<br />
'''''Notes:<br />
# ''Whatever else goes on, the main character's bantha must go forever nameless. It's probably more than one bantha anyway. Slip up, and we can fob it off to some other recurring character's bantha if need be, too. No names, kids. No names.<br />
# ''Just tell the story in order. Don't try to pull some Arrow shit, that didn't even work for Arrow that well anyway.<br />
# ''We already have gobs of artsy slow contemplative shows. Why not have some fun for a change? Also what the hell genre even is this?<br />
# ''The sand people aren't beduins, vikings, mongols, or retired gentlemen from southern italy. Which means we can throw in aspects of any of those willy-nilly. Or not.<br />
# ''There are a lot of tribes, and they're mostly different. Maybe some aren't different at all, just to mix things up. Maybe some are total barbarians and turn out to have gone way overboard with the drug melons and fried their brains completely. ...oops?<br />
# ''Every episode should have some sort of lizard-induced sort of silliness, a ridiculous tribal backstory (thought they do need to be at least based in something consistent with each other, and we need one every time we meet a new tribe), and/or a potential hallucination or five. It's a rule.<br />
# ''The timescale is unclear. Is it drugs, or laziness on the part of the writer? Why not both?<br />
# ''Prophetic hallucinations are not spoilers. The real thing can go absolutely however it wants. As many times as it wants. Maybe.<br />
# ''Most of the sand people absolutely loathe sand.<br />
<br />
<br />
== Episode 1: Oh look, it's Boba Fett ==<br />
<br />
It should open like Digger, or Fear and Loathing, or something else equally as insane, to really set the scene. Introduce everything, as the strange, wounded man wanders the desert, and weird shit happens. He's been here forever, or not. He meets people, things, rocks. Some are real, some are not. Open up, perhaps, with a shoot-out with a bunch of jawa-mounted banthas. The banthas are all floating a bit above the jawas for some reason, possibly just because otherwise the jawas wouldn't even be visible. He dodges their fire quite skilfully, though it turns out to be rocks. Shoots back, takes them out, one after another after another. They also turn out to be rocks, but much larger rocks. And yet more rocks continue to fly at him, because the sandstorm is still approaching.<br />
<br />
He has no armour at this point, just a sand-encrusted jumpsuit and a blaster-shaped stick. Does the stick actually work as a blaster? It might. It sure seems to, at least. He has no other supplies at all, however. No water, no food, no shovel, no shelter. Nothing to protect against the sandstorm, either. So he does what any drugged-out man with a stick would do: challenges the sandstorm to dare steal his shoes?!<br />
<br />
He actually might be wearing shoes. Nevermind that.<br />
<br />
It knocks him over, and he burrows into his shirt, blindly shaking the stick at the storm regardless, firing wildly.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
The storm passes, leaving behind a landscape of softened edges and snow-like accumulation. Of the man there is no sign, until he erupts forth from the sand zombie-style, true to the motions all the way through. It's night. The stars are like an ocean, dizzyingly deep. He shakes a stiffened fist and demands in a hoarse voice that they tell him what he's doing there. Who even is he? Who are you? Why am I asking you?! You're just stars! You can't even hear me!<br />
<br />
And then a voice answers, strange and terrible and everywhere: ''"You're still looking for a job, so stop getting distracted."''<br />
<br />
He reels at this. He has no idea what it's talking about, or what it is, or anything about it at all. He should be terrified. He's not. He makes an animalistic snarl, indignant-like, regaining his posture. Growls back, "I have a job!"<br />
<br />
The voice doesn't miss a beat. Answers, in awful enormity, ''"But you're not doing it."''<br />
<br />
"Oh, fuck off," he tells it, except in a more family-friendly way. Mutters something about jawas selling him defective lizards.<br />
<br />
Stops.<br />
<br />
Remembers.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Flashback to him trading with a bunch of jawas. He's in his trademark armour, except it's absolutely covered in slime, and surrounded by a cloud of fumes. He's haggling, in jawa. Does he even know jawa? He does in the flashback. It's unclear how accurate any of this is, as the colours are all wrong and the other jawas in the background sometimes randomly start floating and doing loop-de-loops before settling back down and resuming whatever they were doing. At one point we see a bunch of completely unrelated muppets doing a whole jizzy gig in the background. They're not there at all a moment later.<br />
<br />
It's a frustrating trade. They don't have what he's after. It's not clear what he's after anyway, since it's all in jawa, and he possibly doesn't remember now either. They pull out a bunch of other options. Half a broken droid. Half a working droid (it complains about being not even beside itself anymore). A sack of stinky fish. The engine from a speeder. A pile of guns important to some scene several episodes later. A tiny basket with a lizard.<br />
<br />
He trades his armour for the lizard. His blaster is already a stick, so no need to do anything with that.<br />
<br />
The lizard jumps up his nose, wiggles in, disappears entirely. He struggles, falls over. Stops.<br />
<br />
The voice says, from everywhere and nowhere at once, ''"Hi there,"'' even as all the world around shimmers, wavers, swirls into exquisitely coloured dust.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Jump back to the present, or whatever this is, and some more setting-appropriate cursing, which quickly deteriorates into incoherent babble, and then somehow reforms itself into some sort of mangled song as he starts running across the dunes.<br />
<br />
At some point he dives for cover. A moment later, flying beasts swarm through the air, chirping and twittering. He peers out from behind his cover, before pulling back, scrunching up further. "Need to stay focused," he tells himself. "Not here for the bats, the bats aren't it."<br />
<br />
After a bit the bats clear out. He stands up, looks around. The stars are gone. The sky is swimming in lurid hues of every colour imaginable, pulsing, throbbing, doing its very utmost to make everyone very ill, or something.<br />
<br />
"No!" he tells it. "You're not it either!" Shoots at the horrible lurid sky. Crouches down and shuffles away. Spies some plant-like shoots poking out from some craggy rocks, follows the rocks down, more plant things. Looks around suspiciously, before dropping down fully to the ground. Uses his stick to dig up a weird melon. Pops the top like a can of soda, and the fumes that emerge waver and shift, almost as if with a life of their own, as if trying to form some particular sort of shape.<br />
<br />
He waves the fumes away, then drinks the innards. Glares at the now-empty melon-thing, and informs it, "I don't like you." Nonchalantly stands up and hucks the shell away over his shoulder.<br />
<br />
Comes face to face with an oddly-specific figure, who asks him, "What if I don't like you either?"<br />
<br />
"I don't need you to like me," he answers. "Either work with me, or stay out of my way."<br />
<br />
The figure smirks. Turns to dust on the wind.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
It's night again, or maybe still. He's holding another melon, standing atop a huge towering butte, staring off into the abyssal sea of stars above as the sand blows across itself below into a blurred, insignificant horizon between.<br />
<br />
He drinks the contents, throws the shell over the edge, and it disappears into the distance.<br />
<br />
He blinks. Looks around. Asks, "How did I even get up here?"<br />
<br />
Adds, after a moment, and with a great deal of consternation, "Also ''why?''"<br />
<br />
''"Didn't you want to see the sea?"'' the voice asks.<br />
<br />
"I could have seen it just fine from down there!" he points out. He sighs. Turns around. Looks for a way down. Digs up a couple more melons for the road on the way. Winds up having to fight off some local wildlife, which seemed to be under the bizarre and very unfortunate (for them) impression that drug-man-with-blaster-stick is prey.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
It's day. He's sitting in the shade of some canyon thing. Sips his melon, tries to ignore all the chanting from above. Whatever they're doing, he doesn't like it. But it's also above him.<br />
<br />
Absentmindedly picks off some dried slime from his jumpsuit. His eyes water at the fumes. He coughs, falls over.<br />
<br />
Watches, in horror, as huge slabs of dried slime jiggle their way out of the dirt, wiggle their way out of the cracks in the cliffs, jitter their way through the air, and slam together with a weird snicketty shrieking sound each time another piece joins the whole, coalescing into a huge, giant, sandy, slimey, fluttering figure of... himself? But in armour. With maybe an actual blaster. Definitely a jetpack.<br />
<br />
It jetpacks away, up, out.<br />
<br />
He jetpacks out of the sarlaac, having finally remembered how to use it, through the thick, corrosive, mind-numbing fumes, muttering about its ears, gotta stop them, gotta snip them, all the ears, it's the ears in the tendrils, ears, all ears, ears. He travels quite a ways, past an actual city or two and totally oblivious of all the gorgeous desert panoramas besides, before finally running out of fuel. Falls out of the sky still muttering, and also twitching a bit. Ragdolls on impact, still completely oblivious as he continues to roll down the dune.<br />
<br />
Comes to a stop. Mutters something about happy nappy. Pats the ground securely, and stills.<br />
<br />
Strange insectoid blobs show up, bubbling and blurring, their shapes ever changing, right at home with the rest of the world all around them. They crackle and hiss like flames amongst each other. He tenses, not sure what to do, not sure how. They're so big, so wrong. Maybe they'll pass by if he just pretends he's dead?<br />
<br />
Nope. They cluster around, crackling, spitting. Poking. They try to take his armour. He leaps into action, swats at them with his not-quite-yet-stick, whirling and twirling. Howls that it's the ears, gotta snip the ears. The ears! Runs at them insistently as they scatter and flee, and chases after a bit, still shouting.<br />
<br />
The shapes start to settle a bit as they get away, much smaller than they'd initially looked. Also hairy. He stops before actually catching any, so they never do quite fully turn jawa just yet.<br />
<br />
He would be making so many crazy faces at this point, except we can't even see a one, because he still has his helmet on. Gotta settle for some rather inhuman sounds instead, perhaps.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Return to the present. We can see his face now, as he remembers, puts two and two together. Mostly he just looks vaguely uncomfortable. Not quite sure what to do with this information. Not quite sure it matters?<br />
<br />
Eyes his empty melon. Gives it a shake, waves it around a bit. Gets some residual fumes to emerge.<br />
<br />
They're awfully similar to the sarlaac fumes.<br />
<br />
''"Now he gets it,"'' the voice says, huge and everywhere and awful.<br />
<br />
"You're a hallucination," he tells the voice.<br />
<br />
''"Obviously,"'' it replies.<br />
<br />
"So why couldn't you be less awful?" he asks.<br />
<br />
It doesn't answer.<br />
<br />
He rolls his eyes. Tries again, "It's all hallucinations?"<br />
<br />
''"Only mostly,"'' it tells him. ''"Can't be too distracting, lest the desert seas never survive themselves."''<br />
<br />
"Am I even really here at all?" he asks.<br />
<br />
''"What is here? Here is what?"''<br />
<br />
He winces, pinches his eyes. Just gives up entirely and wanders off.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Maybe other stuff happens. Maybe not. Do we care? This probably covers most of the important bits, at least. The rest would just be further filler. Teasers. Stuff thrown in to see what people turn into memes already, hopefully, because that'll be the stuff to focus on, of course, if you definitely don't understand the lifecycle of memes.<br />
<br />
In the end, he's mostly sober, adjusted to this whole mess, just getting some continued vague weirdness from the melons. Maybe he's even starting to question if his stick really is anything more than a stick. Presumably some dramatic climactic reveal that this is definitely actually Boba Fett, complete with gratuitous namedropping, has finally occurred.<br />
<br />
;OBLIGATORY TITLE SCREEN AT THIS REVEAL, EVEN IF IT'S ALMOST THE END OF THE TIMESLOT ALREADY<br />
<br />
It's day, the suns beating down overhead. He's sitting by a marker, one of those tapering stacks of stones, indicating the way in the middle of a great flat vastness of rippling heat and nothing much but. In this case, the way is some of those unreal plant shoots, as if only painted badly on in post, and under them, more of those infernal melons to dig up like some sort of joke replacement for a well. He's drinking one, resigned to it, maybe even coming to savour it. Why not. It's all there is. He has no choice.<br />
<br />
A figure appears on the horizon. Rides up very, very, very slowly, because banthas are very, very, very slow, apparently.<br />
<br />
The guy just watches, disinterested. His stick is beside him, but he doesn't reach for it. Not yet. Plus the figure apparently also has a stick, but with mounted advantage. Typical.<br />
<br />
So he sits, watches, as the figure continues to approach, finally starting to actually look like someone on a bantha. Definitely has a stick.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett sighs.<br />
<br />
Finally, after a long, long, long approach, the figure arrives. Dismounts. It's a sandperson, but only one. Comes around, points the stick at Boba Fett.<br />
<br />
Turns out he's a bit beyond actually caring at this point, and just watches the sandperson impassively, waiting still. Daring the newcomer to either follow through or fuck off.<br />
<br />
The sandperson stands in deliberation, stick pointed quite certainly straight at sitting man's chest.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett doesn't even really react at all.<br />
<br />
''"He knows, same as you do,"'' the terrible everywhere nowhere voice says. ''"He knows."''<br />
<br />
"I don't," Boba Fett says. "So unless he can actually explain any of this, I am ''not'' interested."<br />
<br />
The sandperson rocks his head, seems to consider. Notes our madman's stick in turn, before finally lowering his own. Answers, in a language that definitely shouldn't be perfectly intelligible, but somehow totally is, "I can. Ride with me."<br />
<br />
<br />
== Episode 2: Well, that's a backstory, maybe ==<br />
<br />
Open on a stereotypical adventuretown settlement, desert edition. Star Wars bedouins, aka sand people, doing star wars bedouin non-raiding things, because why the hell would you even be going a viking ''all'' the time?! Obviously they do normal stuff too, somewhere, probably. Like at very least throw a moot and get high on concentrated melons or something maybe? But also come on, even if you know nothing about the culture you're aiming to stereotype, at least pull from something functionally similar. They're all pretty weird regardless, it's just different flavours.<br />
<br />
In this case, normal stuff at the moment seems to mostly consist of a couple of arguments amongst each other (possibly folks seated in something rocking-chair-like somewhere porchlike, drinking concentrated melons all day long like the proper old farts that they are), as well as some random pantsless tiny children running around screaming, with some sort of parental figure shouting at a pair of them in particular, and then a shoe flying at one of those, clonking that one on the head.<br />
<br />
Notably, this particular pair of pantsless tiny children appear, for whatever reason, to be twi'leks, making the pantlessness that tiny children the worlds over seem to be prone to all the more ironic. Never even mind how uncomfortable pants actually are in a hot desert, consider how most gamers seem to want to play twi'leks in MMOs. But nope, in this case, it's just typical tiny undergrown idiots being typical tiny undergrown idiots. Ensue obligatory pantslessness.<br />
<br />
Another shoe flies after them before we move on from this semi-pointless scene-setting.<br />
<br />
It may be of note that these sand people are, while still recognisably sand people somewhat, overall dressed and masked in a fashion rather different from previous portrayals. This isn't to break convention, however, so much as just to maybe possibly start to set things up to distinguish between different tribes, especially when we might possibly be on totally the other side of the planet from others previously seen on TV anyway (who we'll definitely obviously encounter later). Planets are big, yo. They're big.<br />
<br />
All of that probably sails over our viewers' heads regardless, and our two riders - the not-actually-titular Boba Fett and the for now still unnamed, masked-only fella who just randomly showed up out of nowhere and we're absolutely not calling Sherif Ali - finally dismount from the incredibly slow-moving bantha that has, thus far, allowed us in its slowness to still somehow fail to appreciate all the worldbuilding smashed into this random desert settlement.<br />
<br />
It's a little comical, really, considering the sheer size of the thing. They basically each drop down like overweight cats. The only thing missing is the loud thonks.<br />
<br />
They go into a yurt. Inside are two sandpeople in even differenter garb, fighting over what may or may not be the dial on what may or may not be some sort of portable stove. Flames erupt from the hob, then change colour, then go out. They're also arguing, something about how we need this temperature, so this colour, no we need it to not burn out the emitters, dude there's no point if we can't actually cook the thing anyway?! Etc, going around in circles a bit.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett gives them a dubious look. Raises an eyebrow at Not-Ali.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali crosses his arms.<br />
<br />
The two don't seem to notice, and continue arguing and fighting over the dial for an entire two more lines and four more bursts of flames before one of them makes an especially pretty purple fwoosh that sets the other one on fire.<br />
<br />
The not-on-fire one screams and flails a bit, before running away.<br />
<br />
The on-fire one falls over, but completely neglects to actually roll around on the probably actually somewhat fire-resistant carpets. Normal wool is surprisingly fire-resistant, turns out. Bantha wool might be positively impervious. At very least the yurt doesn't catch fire, whatever the case.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali finally steps forward, grabs the star wars version of a fire blanket (probably just a fire blanket, come on, you can make them out of just about whatever as long as it's gapless and has a relatively high ignition point) off a random post, and throws it over the on-fire person. Wraps them up a bit in a sort of twisting motion and fwips it back off.<br />
<br />
Just like that, fire's out, situation resolved.<br />
<br />
The stove makes a weird noise, so Not-Ali turns it off fully.<br />
<br />
"Seriously?" Boba Fett says, decidedly unimpressed by all this, on several levels.<br />
<br />
The other bickerer, now hiding behind something, peeks around the side of it. Pulls back abruptly when spotted.<br />
<br />
"I have no words," Not-Ali says. Shakes his head in utter disappointment, or something.<br />
<br />
"You mean besides those?" Boba Fett also steps over to take a look. Admits, "Not that I have any idea what to make of this either, but I don't really know what to make of any of this anyway."<br />
<br />
"Ashk-osk," Not-Ali commands. Jerks his head in a come-here motion as the other bickerer peers around at them again.<br />
<br />
Ashk-osk, apparently, finally emerges trepidatiously, scoots forward, drops to the ground at Not-Ali's feet.<br />
<br />
There's a bit of a pause, as if even Not-Ali wasn't actually expecting that. Then he just sighs. Asks them both, "Did Torishk Abernthadsol not tell you ''precisely'' what temperature you need?"<br />
<br />
The pair look at eat other (or at very least point their masks at each other), before the slightly-singed one admits, "Well... yes?"<br />
<br />
The other one also looks up and nods, after a slight further delay.<br />
<br />
"So what exactly is the problem?" Not-Ali asks.<br />
<br />
"Well..." the singed one starts. Trails off. Points his (?) mask at the other one.<br />
<br />
"The stove doesn't do that temperature?" Askh-osk says.<br />
<br />
"Do other stoves?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
"Uh..." Ashk-osk says. The two exchange looks again, and then, in perfect unison, flee out of the yurt, running right past our actually maybe important characters.<br />
<br />
"...what," Boba Fett says.<br />
<br />
"Some people are idiots," Not-Ali replies. Waggles his head. "It's a fact of life."<br />
<br />
;TITLE SCREEEEEEN?! OOOO BACKSTORY<br />
<br />
They wind up talking to some sort of Important Person further in, who seems to be some sort of secretary records keeper, or possibly the shaman guiding the entire tribe, or maybe some random granny or something, who gives them the sweeping grand backstory.<br />
<br />
It's an epic tale, complete with custom animation, depicting the origins of the tribe, their floating turtle-crawlers eating their way across the surface of the misting, churning, blinding oceans, and an infestation of totally-not-slugs that kept getting into their beer. They fought the slugs with weapons, with space swords and sticks shaped like blasters (the sticks being giant slugs too at this point might be a bit much), to no avail. They fought the slugs with poison, and near poisoned themselves more than the actual slugs (and maybe their slug-guns?). They fought the slugs with fire, and the slugs just became flaming slugs, not even bothered, still getting into their beer!<br />
<br />
So the tribe had to take drastic measures. They broke away from the other tribes, and set out alone in search of aid, or answers, or something. Something to use as slug repellent that actually worked, maybe? They encountered monsters, sirens, storms, the tribe's then-shaman-leader's mum, now giant and half-mum, half-kraken, and possibly not even the correct halves. Through it all they prevailed, or at least mostly survived, since they did at least still have some beer even if the slugs were eating a good half of it, and they weren't exactly helpless considering their floating turtle crawler was absolutely covered in giant guns... that may or may not have just been giant logs (or slugs) shaped like artillery, it's not entirely clear. Literally, the art style isn't the clearest.<br />
<br />
Until at last, at long, long last, they came to the Quantum Island, said to be spotted once in every man's lifespan, only to disappear the moment they look away.<br />
<br />
Only now, they all saw it. And they all stared at it. Did their utmost to not look away. Some blinked, but so long as others did not, it was okay, and so they coordinated their blinking! Until they could dock, a procedure that consisted of the crawler taking a giant chomp out of the island, eating approximately half of it in one bite.<br />
<br />
The bravest warriors disembarked, staring absolutely intently all the while, bug-eyed (the masks came later). Searched the island, under every rock, every bit of washed up weeds. Behind the single tree approximately eight different times.<br />
<br />
And that's where they found the lizard. Which promptly jumped up someone's nose and told him how to fix the problem: just dump all the beer from the affected vats, clean them out completely in the ocean, and get a new starter off another tribe. Dude.<br />
<br />
And so, armed with this new information, they headed back. Returned to the other tribes, did as the lizard said.<br />
<br />
And all was well.<br />
<br />
This whole tale takes maybe five minutes to tell, and ends with a pithy, "See? Totally reasonable."<br />
<br />
Boba Fett winces. Shakes his head. Says, "Yeah. No. I'm going."<br />
<br />
''"But now you know,"'' the horrible everywhere voice says, as he turns to leave.<br />
<br />
"No!" he shouts at it, not even stopping as he heads for the exit.<br />
<br />
The lizard jumps out of his nose, hits the floor with an entirely too wet-sounding splat, especially considering the ground is probably carpets, which really aren't that conducive to splats.<br />
<br />
Finally Boba Fett stops. Stares at it.<br />
<br />
The lizard doesn't move.<br />
<br />
He stares at it some more.<br />
<br />
"Yup," the shaman granny secretary says, going back to whatever she was doing before they'd shown up.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali comes around. Looks at the lizard. Looks at Boba Fett. Tilts his head enquiringly.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett pokes it with his stick.<br />
<br />
Immediately the lizard perks up and scuttles away. Dives into a bunch of random junk, and disappears.<br />
<br />
"It's real," Not-Ali says. "Welcome to the tribe." Pauses. Adds, with a slight shrug, "If you want."<br />
<br />
Boba Fett tries to speak. Sputters. Throws up his hands and gesticulates a bit. Finally just lets out a long, sad whimper, the desperation at this point written clearly across his face. Not even diagonally. Just straight across.<br />
<br />
"You can leave," Not-Ali goes on. "Wander on, see the sights. Find other civilisation if you want. Even go off-world if that's where you'd rather be. There's..." he trails off with a long sigh. "Options. Not really sure why more people don't take them."<br />
<br />
"Well... what about you?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali shrugs. "This is what I know. And I'm good at it. Damn good."<br />
<br />
"Eh?"<br />
<br />
"Damn good," Not-Ali repeats.<br />
<br />
"At what, exactly?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali just turns to leave, but indicates with his head to come with.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Outside the yurt once more, Not-Ali points in a seemingly random direction, and declares, "THIS."<br />
<br />
"Uh huh," Boba Fett says. "Okay."<br />
<br />
One of the old drunk porch farts shouts at them, "Hey, when ya gonna check out that construction out by back by way?" Waves a particularly fumy melon at them for emphasis, while Not-Ali just turns slowly to face him. Shouts as a followup, "You should totally check out that construction and tell us aaaaaall abouts it!"<br />
<br />
Not-Ali shifts his stance. Takes a deep, huge breath. Begins, initially quietly, "For the 87th time." Pauses for an even deeper breath, and bellows back his actual retort, like an angry foghorn: "I DON'T CARE!"<br />
<br />
The settlement goes silent, still. For a moment, the sheer loudness and its after-effects put a pause to everything all around. Then a bantha falls over, and sound resumes. Life goes on.<br />
<br />
The old fart grumbles, but pretty obviously intentionally still loudly enough for them to still hear it, "Well if you're gonna be like that about it..."<br />
<br />
"Yes!" Not-Ali barks back, still loudly, but at least not as. Quieter like a more normal, less violent sort of horn. "Yes I am."<br />
<br />
Which is amusing and all, but at some point, presumeably some actual plot should happen? What even is anyone after here, anyway? It never really was clear.<br />
<br />
Seriously, I'm not gonna make up an entire plot for a silly TV show that shouldn't even exist (for so many reasons). I got dumber plots to make up.<br />
<br />
[[Category:Wat]]<br />
[[Category:Star Wars]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=In_the_Desert&diff=4720In the Desert2024-01-11T23:40:46Z<p>Apheori: </p>
<hr />
<div>''Initiate distraction. Commence getting sidetracked.<br />
<br />
''Let's wander off entirely for a moment, shall we? Remember that show that really shouldn't have just been 'boba fett' anyway, since it wasn't? 'The Book of Boba Fett'? What in all the worlds were they even going for with that title? How very strange. How very limiting.<br />
<br />
''No, let's try that one again. It needs to be bigger than that. Wider. Fuller. No end in sight, not right here. Don't bake it right into the very beginning. Really? <br />
<br />
''Let's call it '''"In The Desert"''', because we're boring and most of the other references would make even less sense. And we can always set that scene, in theme or otherwise. Hint, time and again, at how very strange the deserts of this throwaway world might be, as all are, if you only stop to really look, and listen, and get a lizard up your nose. Only from there can you properly move on into something properly weird.<br />
<br />
'''''Notes:<br />
# ''Whatever else goes on, the main character's bantha must go forever nameless. It's probably more than one bantha anyway. Slip up, and we can fob it off to some other recurring character's bantha if need be, too. No names, kids. No names.<br />
# ''Just tell the story in order. Don't try to pull some Arrow shit, that didn't even work for Arrow that well anyway.<br />
# ''We already have gobs of artsy slow contemplative shows. Why not have some fun for a change? Also what the hell genre even is this?<br />
# ''The sand people aren't beduins, vikings, mongols, or retired gentlemen from southern italy. Which means we can throw in aspects of any of those willy-nilly. Or not.<br />
# ''There are a lot of tribes, and they're mostly different. Maybe some aren't different at all, just to mix things up. Maybe some are total barbarians and turn out to have gone way overboard with the drug melons and fried their brains completely. ...oops?<br />
# ''Every episode should have some sort of lizard-induced sort of silliness, a ridiculous tribal backstory (thought they do need to be at least based in something consistent with each other, and we need one every time we meet a new tribe), and/or a potential hallucination or five. It's a rule.<br />
# ''The timescale is unclear. Is it drugs, or laziness on the part of the writer? Why not both?<br />
# ''Prophetic hallucinations are not spoilers. The real thing can go absolutely however it wants. As many times as it wants. Maybe.<br />
# ''Most of the sand people absolutely loathe sand.<br />
<br />
<br />
== Episode 1: Oh look, it's Boba Fett ==<br />
<br />
It should open like Digger, or Fear and Loathing, or something else equally as insane, to really set the scene. Introduce everything, as the strange, wounded man wanders the desert, and weird shit happens. He's been here forever, or not. He meets people, things, rocks. Some are real, some are not. Open up, perhaps, with a shoot-out with a bunch of jawa-mounted banthas. The banthas are all floating a bit above the jawas for some reason, possibly just because otherwise the jawas wouldn't even be visible. He dodges their fire quite skilfully, though it turns out to be rocks. Shoots back, takes them out, one after another after another. They also turn out to be rocks, but much larger rocks. And yet more rocks continue to fly at him, because the sandstorm is still approaching.<br />
<br />
He has no armour at this point, just a sand-encrusted jumpsuit and a blaster-shaped stick. Does the stick actually work as a blaster? It might. It sure seems to, at least. He has no other supplies at all, however. No water, no food, no shovel, no shelter. Nothing to protect against the sandstorm, either. So he does what any drugged-out man with a stick would do: challenges the sandstorm to dare steal his shoes?!<br />
<br />
He actually might be wearing shoes. Nevermind that.<br />
<br />
It knocks him over, and he burrows into his shirt, blindly shaking the stick at the storm regardless, firing wildly.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
The storm passes, leaving behind a landscape of softened edges and snow-like accumulation. Of the man there is no sign, until he erupts forth from the sand zombie-style, true to the motions all the way through. It's night. The stars are like an ocean, dizzyingly deep. He shakes a stiffened fist and demands in a hoarse voice that they tell him what he's doing there. Who even is he? Who are you? Why am I asking you?! You're just stars! You can't even hear me!<br />
<br />
And then a voice answers, strange and terrible and everywhere: ''"You're still looking for a job, so stop getting distracted."''<br />
<br />
He reels at this. He has no idea what it's talking about, or what it is, or anything about it at all. He should be terrified. He's not. He makes an animalistic snarl, indignant-like, regaining his posture. Growls back, "I have a job!"<br />
<br />
The voice doesn't miss a beat. Answers, in awful enormity, ''"But you're not doing it."''<br />
<br />
"Oh, fuck off," he tells it, except in a more family-friendly way. Mutters something about jawas selling him defective lizards.<br />
<br />
Stops.<br />
<br />
Remembers.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Flashback to him trading with a bunch of jawas. He's in his trademark armour, except it's absolutely covered in slime, and surrounded by a cloud of fumes. He's haggling, in jawa. Does he even know jawa? He does in the flashback. It's unclear how accurate any of this is, as the colours are all wrong and the other jawas in the background sometimes randomly start floating and doing loop-de-loops before settling back down and resuming whatever they were doing. At one point we see a bunch of completely unrelated muppets doing a whole jizzy gig in the background. They're not there at all a moment later.<br />
<br />
It's a frustrating trade. They don't have what he's after. It's not clear what he's after anyway, since it's all in jawa, and he possibly doesn't remember now either. They pull out a bunch of other options. Half a broken droid. Half a working droid (it complains about being not even beside itself anymore). A sack of stinky fish. The engine from a speeder. A pile of guns important to some scene several episodes later. A tiny basket with a lizard.<br />
<br />
He trades his armour for the lizard. His blaster is already a stick, so no need to do anything with that.<br />
<br />
The lizard jumps up his nose, wiggles in, disappears entirely. He struggles, falls over. Stops.<br />
<br />
The voice says, from everywhere and nowhere at once, ''"Hi there,"'' even as all the world around shimmers, wavers, swirls into exquisitely coloured dust.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Jump back to the present, or whatever this is, and some more setting-appropriate cursing, which quickly deteriorates into incoherent babble, and then somehow reforms itself into some sort of mangled song as he starts running across the dunes.<br />
<br />
At some point he dives for cover. A moment later, flying beasts swarm through the air, chirping and twittering. He peers out from behind his cover, before pulling back, scrunching up further. "Need to stay focused," he tells himself. "Not here for the bats, the bats aren't it."<br />
<br />
After a bit the bats clear out. He stands up, looks around. The stars are gone. The sky is swimming in lurid hues of every colour imaginable, pulsing, throbbing, doing its very utmost to make everyone very ill, or something.<br />
<br />
"No!" he tells it. "You're not it either!" Shoots at the horrible lurid sky. Crouches down and shuffles away. Spies some plant-like shoots poking out from some craggy rocks, follows the rocks down, more plant things. Looks around suspiciously, before dropping down fully to the ground. Uses his stick to dig up a weird melon. Pops the top like a can of soda, and the fumes that emerge waver and shift, almost as if with a life of their own, as if trying to form some particular sort of shape.<br />
<br />
He waves the fumes away, then drinks the innards. Glares at the now-empty melon-thing, and informs it, "I don't like you." Nonchalantly stands up and hucks the shell away over his shoulder.<br />
<br />
Comes face to face with an oddly-specific figure, who asks him, "What if I don't like you either?"<br />
<br />
"I don't need you to like me," he answers. "Either work with me, or stay out of my way."<br />
<br />
The figure smirks. Turns to dust on the wind.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
It's night again, or maybe still. He's holding another melon, standing atop a huge towering butte, staring off into the abyssal sea of stars above as the sand blows across itself below into a blurred, insignificant horizon between.<br />
<br />
He drinks the contents, throws the shell over the edge, and it disappears into the distance.<br />
<br />
He blinks. Looks around. Asks, "How did I even get up here?"<br />
<br />
Adds, after a moment, and with a great deal of consternation, "Also ''why?''"<br />
<br />
''"Didn't you want to see the sea?"'' the voice asks.<br />
<br />
"I could have seen it just fine from down there!" he points out. He sighs. Turns around. Looks for a way down. Digs up a couple more melons for the road on the way. Winds up having to fight off some local wildlife, which seemed to be under the bizarre and very unfortunate (for them) impression that drug-man-with-blaster-stick is prey.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
It's day. He's sitting in the shade of some canyon thing. Sips his melon, tries to ignore all the chanting from above. Whatever they're doing, he doesn't like it. But it's also above him.<br />
<br />
Absentmindedly picks off some dried slime from his jumpsuit. His eyes water at the fumes. He coughs, falls over.<br />
<br />
Watches, in horror, as huge slabs of dried slime jiggle their way out of the dirt, wiggle their way out of the cracks in the cliffs, jitter their way through the air, and slam together with a weird snicketty shrieking sound each time another piece joins the whole, coalescing into a huge, giant, sandy, slimey, fluttering figure of... himself? But in armour. With maybe an actual blaster. Definitely a jetpack.<br />
<br />
It jetpacks away, up, out.<br />
<br />
He jetpacks out of the sarlaac, having finally remembered how to use it, through the thick, corrosive, mind-numbing fumes, muttering about its ears, gotta stop them, gotta snip them, all the ears, it's the ears in the tendrils, ears, all ears, ears. He travels quite a ways, past an actual city or two and totally oblivious of all the gorgeous desert panoramas besides, before finally running out of fuel. Falls out of the sky still muttering, and also twitching a bit. Ragdolls on impact, still completely oblivious as he continues to roll down the dune.<br />
<br />
Comes to a stop. Mutters something about happy nappy. Pats the ground securely, and stills.<br />
<br />
Strange insectoid blobs show up, bubbling and blurring, their shapes ever changing, right at home with the rest of the world all around them. They crackle and hiss like flames amongst each other. He tenses, not sure what to do, not sure how. They're so big, so wrong. Maybe they'll pass by if he just pretends he's dead?<br />
<br />
Nope. They cluster around, crackling, spitting. Poking. They try to take his armour. He leaps into action, swats at them with his not-quite-yet-stick, whirling and twirling. Howls that it's the ears, gotta snip the ears. The ears! Runs at them insistently as they scatter and flee, and chases after a bit, still shouting.<br />
<br />
The shapes start to settle a bit as they get away, much smaller than they'd initially looked. Also hairy. He stops before actually catching any, so they never do quite fully turn jawa just yet.<br />
<br />
He would be making so many crazy faces at this point, except we can't even see a one, because he still has his helmet on. Gotta settle for some rather inhuman sounds instead, perhaps.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Return to the present. We can see his face now, as he remembers, puts two and two together. Mostly he just looks vaguely uncomfortable. Not quite sure what to do with this information. Not quite sure it matters?<br />
<br />
Eyes his empty melon. Gives it a shake, waves it around a bit. Gets some residual fumes to emerge.<br />
<br />
They're awfully similar to the sarlaac fumes.<br />
<br />
''"Now he gets it,"'' the voice says, huge and everywhere and awful.<br />
<br />
"You're a hallucination," he tells the voice.<br />
<br />
''"Obviously,"'' it replies.<br />
<br />
"So why couldn't you be less awful?" he asks.<br />
<br />
It doesn't answer.<br />
<br />
He rolls his eyes. Tries again, "It's all hallucinations?"<br />
<br />
''"Only mostly,"'' it tells him. ''"Can't be too distracting, lest the desert seas never survive themselves."''<br />
<br />
"Am I even really here at all?" he asks.<br />
<br />
''"What is here? Here is what?"''<br />
<br />
He winces, pinches his eyes. Just gives up entirely and wanders off.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Maybe other stuff happens. Maybe not. Do we care? This probably covers most of the important bits, at least. The rest would just be further filler. Teasers. Stuff thrown in to see what people turn into memes already, hopefully, because that'll be the stuff to focus on, of course, if you definitely don't understand the lifecycle of memes.<br />
<br />
In the end, he's mostly sober, adjusted to this whole mess, just getting some continued vague weirdness from the melons. Maybe he's even starting to question if his stick really is anything more than a stick. Presumably some dramatic climactic reveal that this is definitely actually Boba Fett, complete with gratuitous namedropping, has finally occurred.<br />
<br />
;OBLIGATORY TITLE SCREEN AT THIS REVEAL, EVEN IF IT'S ALMOST THE END OF THE TIMESLOT ALREADY<br />
<br />
It's day, the suns beating down overhead. He's sitting by a marker, one of those tapering stacks of stones, indicating the way in the middle of a great flat vastness of rippling heat and nothing much but. In this case, the way is some of those unreal plant shoots, as if only painted badly on in post, and under them, more of those infernal melons to dig up like some sort of joke replacement for a well. He's drinking one, resigned to it, maybe even coming to savour it. Why not. It's all there is. He has no choice.<br />
<br />
A figure appears on the horizon. Rides up very, very, very slowly, because banthas are very, very, very slow, apparently.<br />
<br />
The guy just watches, disinterested. His stick is beside him, but he doesn't reach for it. Not yet. Plus the figure apparently also has a stick, but with mounted advantage. Typical.<br />
<br />
So he sits, watches, as the figure continues to approach, finally starting to actually look like someone on a bantha. Definitely has a stick.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett sighs.<br />
<br />
Finally, after a long, long, long approach, the figure arrives. Dismounts. It's a sandperson, but only one. Comes around, points the stick at Boba Fett.<br />
<br />
Turns out he's a bit beyond actually caring at this point, and just watches the sandperson impassively, waiting still. Daring the newcomer to either follow through or fuck off.<br />
<br />
The sandperson stands in deliberation, stick pointed quite certainly straight at sitting man's chest.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett doesn't even really react at all.<br />
<br />
''"He knows, same as you do,"'' the terrible everywhere nowhere voice says. ''"He knows."''<br />
<br />
"I don't," Boba Fett says. "So unless he can actually explain any of this, I am ''not'' interested."<br />
<br />
The sandperson rocks his head, seems to consider. Notes our madman's stick in turn, before finally lowering his own. Answers, in a language that definitely shouldn't be perfectly intelligible, but somehow totally is, "I can. Ride with me."<br />
<br />
<br />
== Episode 2: Well, that's a backstory, maybe ==<br />
<br />
Open on a stereotypical adventuretown settlement, desert edition. Star Wars bedouins, aka sand people, doing star wars bedouin non-raiding things, because why the hell would you even be going a viking ''all'' the time?! Obviously they do normal stuff too, somewhere, probably. Like at very least throw a moot and get high on concentrated melons or something maybe? But also come on, even if you know nothing about the culture you're aiming to stereotype, at least pull from something functionally similar. They're all pretty weird regardless, it's just different flavours.<br />
<br />
In this case, normal stuff at the moment seems to mostly consist of a couple of arguments amongst each other (possibly folks seated in something rocking-chair-like somewhere porchlike, drinking concentrated melons all day long like the proper old farts that they are), as well as some random pantsless tiny children running around screaming, with some sort of parental figure shouting at a pair of them in particular, and then a shoe flying at one of those, clonking that one on the head.<br />
<br />
Notably, this particular pair of pantsless tiny children appear, for whatever reason, to be twi'leks, making the pantlessness that tiny children the worlds over seem to be prone to all the more ironic. Never even mind how uncomfortable pants actually are in a hot desert, consider how most gamers seem to want to play twi'leks in MMOs. But nope, in this case, it's just typical tiny undergrown idiots being typical tiny undergrown idiots. Ensue obligatory pantslessness.<br />
<br />
Another shoe flies after them before we move on from this semi-pointless scene-setting.<br />
<br />
It may be of note that these sand people are, while still recognisably sand people somewhat, overall dressed and masked in a fashion rather different from previous portrayals. This isn't to break convention, however, so much as just to maybe possibly start to set things up to distinguish between different tribes, especially when we might possibly be on totally the other side of the planet from others previously seen on TV anyway (who we'll definitely obviously encounter later). Planets are big, yo. They're big.<br />
<br />
All of that probably sails over our viewers' heads regardless, and our two riders - the not-actually-titular Boba Fett and the for now still unnamed, masked-only fella who just randomly showed up out of nowhere and we're absolutely not calling Sherif Ali - finally dismount from the incredibly slow-moving bantha that has, thus far, allowed us in its slowness to still somehow fail to appreciate all the worldbuilding smashed into this random desert settlement.<br />
<br />
It's a little comical, really, considering the sheer size of the thing. They basically each drop down like overweight cats. The only thing missing is the loud thonks.<br />
<br />
They go into a tent. Inside are two sandpeople in even differenter garb, fighting over what may or may not be the dial on what may or may not be some sort of portable stove. Flames erupt from the hob, then change colour, then go out. They're also arguing, something about how we need this temperature, so this colour, no we need it to not burn out the emitters, dude there's no point if we can't actually cook the thing anyway?! Etc, going around in circles a bit.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett gives them a dubious look. Raises an eyebrow at Not-Ali.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali crosses his arms.<br />
<br />
The two don't seem to notice, and continue arguing and fighting over the dial for an entire two more lines and four more bursts of flames before one of them makes an especially pretty purple fwoosh that sets the other one on fire.<br />
<br />
The not-on-fire one screams and flails a bit, before running away.<br />
<br />
The on-fire one falls over, but completely neglects to actually roll around on the probably actually somewhat fire-resistant carpets. Normal wool is surprisingly fire-resistant, turns out. Bantha wool might be positively impervious. At very least the tent doesn't catch fire, whatever the case.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali finally steps forward, grabs the star wars version of a fire blanket (probably just a fire blanket, come on, you can make them out of just about whatever as long as it's gapless and has a relatively high ignition point) off a random post, and throws it over the on-fire person. Wraps them up a bit in a sort of twisting motion and fwips it back off.<br />
<br />
Just like that, fire's out, situation resolved.<br />
<br />
The stove makes a weird noise, so Not-Ali turns it off fully.<br />
<br />
"Seriously?" Boba Fett says, decidedly unimpressed by all this, on several levels.<br />
<br />
The other bickerer, now hiding behind something, peeks around the side of it. Pulls back abruptly when spotted.<br />
<br />
"I have no words," Not-Ali says. Shakes his head in utter disappointment, or something.<br />
<br />
"You mean besides those?" Boba Fett also steps over to take a look. Admits, "Not that I have any idea what to make of this either, but I don't really know what to make of any of this anyway."<br />
<br />
"Ashk-osk," Not-Ali commands. Jerks his head in a come-here motion as the other bickerer peers around at them again.<br />
<br />
Ashk-osk, apparently, finally emerges trepidatiously, scoots forward, drops to the ground at Not-Ali's feet.<br />
<br />
There's a bit of a pause, as if even Not-Ali wasn't actually expecting that. Then he just sighs. Asks them both, "Did Torishk Abernthadsol not tell you ''precisely'' what temperature you need?"<br />
<br />
The pair look at eat other (or at very least point their masks at each other), before the slightly-singed one admits, "Well... yes?"<br />
<br />
The other one also looks up and nods, after a slight further delay.<br />
<br />
"So what exactly is the problem?" Not-Ali asks.<br />
<br />
"Well..." the singed one starts. Trails off. Points his (?) mask at the other one.<br />
<br />
"The stove doesn't do that temperature?" Askh-osk says.<br />
<br />
"Do other stoves?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
"Uh..." Ashk-osk says. The two exchange looks again, and then, in perfect unison, flee out of the tent, running right past our actually maybe important characters.<br />
<br />
"...what," Boba Fett says.<br />
<br />
"Some people are idiots," Not-Ali replies. Waggles his head. "It's a fact of life."<br />
<br />
;TITLE SCREEEEEEN?! OOOO BACKSTORY<br />
<br />
They wind up talking to some sort of Important Person further in, who seems to be some sort of secretary records keeper, or possibly the shaman guiding the entire tribe, or maybe some random granny or something, who gives them the sweeping grand backstory.<br />
<br />
It's an epic tale, complete with custom animation, depicting the origins of the tribe, their floating turtle-crawlers eating their way across the surface of the misting, churning, blinding oceans, and an infestation of totally-not-slugs that kept getting into their beer. They fought the slugs with weapons, with space swords and sticks shaped like blasters (the sticks being giant slugs too at this point might be a bit much), to no avail. They fought the slugs with poison, and near poisoned themselves more than the actual slugs (and maybe their slug-guns?). They fought the slugs with fire, and the slugs just became flaming slugs, not even bothered, still getting into their beer!<br />
<br />
So the tribe had to take drastic measures. They broke away from the other tribes, and set out alone in search of aid, or answers, or something. Something to use as slug repellent that actually worked, maybe? They encountered monsters, sirens, storms, the tribe's then-shaman-leader's mum, now giant and half-mum, half-kraken, and possibly not even the correct halves. Through it all they prevailed, or at least mostly survived, since they did at least still have some beer even if the slugs were eating a good half of it, and they weren't exactly helpless considering their floating turtle crawler was absolutely covered in giant guns... that may or may not have just been giant logs (or slugs) shaped like artillery, it's not entirely clear. Literally, the art style isn't the clearest.<br />
<br />
Until at last, at long, long last, they came to the Quantum Island, said to be spotted once in every man's lifespan, only to disappear the moment they look away.<br />
<br />
Only now, they all saw it. And they all stared at it. Did their utmost to not look away. Some blinked, but so long as others did not, it was okay, and so they coordinated their blinking! Until they could dock, a procedure that consisted of the crawler taking a giant chomp out of the island, eating approximately half of it in one bite.<br />
<br />
The bravest warriors disembarked, staring absolutely intently all the while, bug-eyed (the masks came later). Searched the island, under every rock, every bit of washed up weeds. Behind the single tree approximately eight different times.<br />
<br />
And that's where they found the lizard. Which promptly jumped up someone's nose and told him how to fix the problem: just dump all the beer from the affected vats, clean them out completely in the ocean, and get a new starter off another tribe. Dude.<br />
<br />
And so, armed with this new information, they headed back. Returned to the other tribes, did as the lizard said.<br />
<br />
And all was well.<br />
<br />
This whole tale takes maybe five minutes to tell, and ends with a pithy, "See? Totally reasonable."<br />
<br />
Boba Fett winces. Shakes his head. Says, "Yeah. No. I'm going."<br />
<br />
''"But now you know,"'' the horrible everywhere voice says, as he turns to leave.<br />
<br />
"No!" he shouts at it, not even stopping as he heads for the exit.<br />
<br />
The lizard jumps out of his nose, hits the floor with an entirely too wet-sounding splat, especially considering the ground is probably carpets, which really aren't that conducive to splats.<br />
<br />
Finally Boba Fett stops. Stares at it.<br />
<br />
The lizard doesn't move.<br />
<br />
He stares at it some more.<br />
<br />
"Yup," the shaman granny secretary says, going back to whatever she was doing before they'd shown up.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali comes around. Looks at the lizard. Looks at Boba Fett. Tilts his head enquiringly.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett pokes it with his stick.<br />
<br />
Immediately the lizard perks up and scuttles away. Dives into a bunch of random junk, and disappears.<br />
<br />
"It's real," Not-Ali says. "Welcome to the tribe." Pauses. Adds, with a slight shrug, "If you want."<br />
<br />
Boba Fett tries to speak. Sputters. Throws up his hands and gesticulates a bit. Finally just lets out a long, sad whimper, the desperation at this point written clearly across his face. Not even diagonally. Just straight across.<br />
<br />
"You can leave," Not-Ali goes on. "Wander on, see the sights. Find other civilisation if you want. Even go off-world if that's where you'd rather be. There's..." he trails off with a long sigh. "Options. Not really sure why more people don't take them."<br />
<br />
"Well... what about you?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali shrugs. "This is what I know. And I'm good at it. Damn good."<br />
<br />
"Eh?"<br />
<br />
"Damn good," Not-Ali repeats.<br />
<br />
"At what, exactly?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali just turns to leave, but indicates with his head to come with.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Outside the tent once more, Not-Ali points in a seemingly random direction, and declares, "THIS."<br />
<br />
"Uh huh," Boba Fett says. "Okay."<br />
<br />
One of the old drunk porch farts shouts at them, "Hey, when ya gonna check out that construction out by back by way?" Waves a particularly fumy melon at them for emphasis, while Not-Ali just turns slowly to face him. Shouts as a followup, "You should totally check out that construction and tell us aaaaaall abouts it!"<br />
<br />
Not-Ali shifts his stance. Takes a deep, huge breath. Begins, initially quietly, "For the 87th time." Pauses for an even deeper breath, and bellows back his actual retort, like an angry foghorn: "I DON'T CARE!"<br />
<br />
The settlement goes silent, still. For a moment, the sheer loudness and its after-effects put a pause to everything all around. Then a bantha falls over, and sound resumes. Life goes on.<br />
<br />
The old fart grumbles, but pretty obviously intentionally still loudly enough for them to still hear it, "Well if you're gonna be like that about it..."<br />
<br />
"Yes!" Not-Ali barks back, still loudly, but at least not as. Quieter like a more normal, less violent sort of horn. "Yes I am."<br />
<br />
Which is amusing and all, but at some point, presumeably some actual plot should happen? What even is anyone after here, anyway? It never really was clear.<br />
<br />
Seriously, I'm not gonna make up an entire plot for a silly TV show that shouldn't even exist (for so many reasons). I got dumber plots to make up.<br />
<br />
[[Category:Wat]]<br />
[[Category:Star Wars]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=In_the_Desert&diff=4719In the Desert2024-01-11T23:35:39Z<p>Apheori: </p>
<hr />
<div>''Initiate distraction. Commence getting sidetracked.<br />
<br />
''Let's wander off entirely for a moment, shall we? Remember that show that really shouldn't have just been 'boba fett' anyway, since it wasn't? 'The Book of Boba Fett'? What in all the worlds were they even going for with that title? How very strange. How very limiting.<br />
<br />
''No, let's try that one again. It needs to be bigger than that. Wider. Fuller. No end in sight, not right here. Don't bake it right into the very beginning. Really? <br />
<br />
''Let's call it '''"In The Desert"''', because we're boring and most of the other references would make even less sense. And we can always set that scene, in theme or otherwise. Hint, time and again, at how very strange the deserts of this throwaway world might be, as all are, if you only stop to really look, and listen, and get a lizard up your nose. Only from there can you properly move on into something properly weird.<br />
<br />
'''''Notes:<br />
# ''Whatever else goes on, the main character's bantha must go forever nameless. It's probably more than one bantha anyway. Slip up, and we can fob it off to some other recurring character's bantha if need be, too. No names, kids. No names.<br />
# ''Just tell the story in order. Don't try to pull some Arrow shit, that didn't even work for Arrow that well anyway.<br />
# ''We already have gobs of artsy slow contemplative shows. Why not have some fun for a change? Also what the hell genre even is this?<br />
# ''The sand people aren't beduins, vikings, mongols, or retired gentlemen from southern italy. Which means we can throw in aspects of any of those willy-nilly. Or not.<br />
# ''There are a lot of tribes, and they're mostly different. Maybe some aren't different at all, just to mix things up. Maybe some are total barbarians and turn out to have gone way overboard with the drug melons and fried their brains completely. ...oops?<br />
# ''Every episode should have some sort of lizard-induced sort of silliness, a ridiculous tribal backstory (thought they do need to be at least based in something consistent with each other, and we need one every time we meet a new tribe), and/or a potential hallucination or five. It's a rule.<br />
# ''The timescale is unclear. Is it drugs, or laziness on the part of the writer? Why not both?<br />
# ''Prophetic hallucinations are not spoilers. The real thing can go absolutely however it wants. As many times as it wants. Maybe.<br />
# ''Most of the sand people absolutely loathe sand.<br />
<br />
<br />
== Episode 1: Oh look, it's Boba Fett ==<br />
<br />
It should open like Digger, or Fear and Loathing, or something else equally as insane, to really set the scene. Introduce everything, as the strange, wounded man wanders the desert, and weird shit happens. He's been here forever, or not. He meets people, things, rocks. Some are real, some are not. Open up, perhaps, with a shoot-out with a bunch of jawa-mounted banthas. The banthas are all floating a bit above the jawas for some reason, possibly just because otherwise the jawas wouldn't even be visible. He dodges their fire quite skilfully, though it turns out to be rocks. Shoots back, takes them out, one after another after another. They also turn out to be rocks, but much larger rocks. And yet more rocks continue to fly at him, because the sandstorm is still approaching.<br />
<br />
He has no armour at this point, just a sand-encrusted jumpsuit and a blaster-shaped stick. Does the stick actually work as a blaster? It might. It sure seems to, at least. He has no other supplies at all, however. No water, no food, no shovel, no shelter. Nothing to protect against the sandstorm, either. So he does what any drugged-out man with a stick would do: challenges the sandstorm to dare steal his shoes?!<br />
<br />
He actually might be wearing shoes. Nevermind that.<br />
<br />
It knocks him over, and he burrows into his shirt, blindly shaking the stick at the storm regardless, firing wildly.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
The storm passes, leaving behind a landscape of softened edges and snow-like accumulation. Of the man there is no sign, until he erupts forth from the sand zombie-style, true to the motions all the way through. It's night. The stars are like an ocean, dizzyingly deep. He shakes a stiffened fist and demands in a hoarse voice that they tell him what he's doing there. Who even is he? Who are you? Why am I asking you?! You're just stars! You can't even hear me!<br />
<br />
And then a voice answers, strange and terrible and everywhere: ''"You're still looking for a job, so stop getting distracted."''<br />
<br />
He reels at this. He has no idea what it's talking about, or what it is, or anything about it at all. He should be terrified. He's not. He makes an animalistic snarl, indignant-like, regaining his posture. Growls back, "I have a job!"<br />
<br />
The voice doesn't miss a beat. Answers, in awful enormity, ''"But you're not doing it."''<br />
<br />
"Oh, fuck off," he tells it, except in a more family-friendly way. Mutters something about jawas selling him defective lizards.<br />
<br />
Stops.<br />
<br />
Remembers.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Flashback to him trading with a bunch of jawas. He's in his trademark armour, except it's absolutely covered in slime, and surrounded by a cloud of fumes. He's haggling, in jawa. Does he even know jawa? He does in the flashback. It's unclear how accurate any of this is, as the colours are all wrong and the other jawas in the background sometimes randomly start floating and doing loop-de-loops before settling back down and resuming whatever they were doing. At one point we see a bunch of completely unrelated muppets doing a whole jizzy gig in the background. They're not there at all a moment later.<br />
<br />
It's a frustrating trade. They don't have what he's after. It's not clear what he's after anyway, since it's all in jawa, and he possibly doesn't remember now either. They pull out a bunch of other options. Half a broken droid. Half a working droid (it complains about being not even beside itself anymore). A sack of stinky fish. The engine from a speeder. A pile of guns important to some scene several episodes later. A tiny basket with a lizard.<br />
<br />
He trades his armour for the lizard. His blaster is already a stick, so no need to do anything with that.<br />
<br />
The lizard jumps up his nose, wiggles in, disappears entirely. He struggles, falls over. Stops.<br />
<br />
The voice says, from everywhere and nowhere at once, ''"Hi there,"'' even as all the world around shimmers, wavers, swirls into exquisitely coloured dust.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Jump back to the present, or whatever this is, and some more setting-appropriate cursing, which quickly deteriorates into incoherent babble, and then somehow reforms itself into some sort of mangled song as he starts running across the dunes.<br />
<br />
At some point he dives for cover. A moment later, flying beasts swarm through the air, chirping and twittering. He peers out from behind his cover, before pulling back, scrunching up further. "Need to stay focused," he tells himself. "Not here for the bats, the bats aren't it."<br />
<br />
After a bit the bats clear out. He stands up, looks around. The stars are gone. The sky is swimming in lurid hues of every colour imaginable, pulsing, throbbing, doing its very utmost to make everyone very ill, or something.<br />
<br />
"No!" he tells it. "You're not it either!" Shoots at the horrible lurid sky. Crouches down and shuffles away. Spies some plant-like shoots poking out from some craggy rocks, follows the rocks down, more plant things. Looks around suspiciously, before dropping down fully to the ground. Uses his stick to dig up a weird melon. Pops the top like a can of soda, and the fumes that emerge waver and shift, almost as if with a life of their own, as if trying to form some particular sort of shape.<br />
<br />
He waves the fumes away, then drinks the innards. Glares at the now-empty melon-thing, and informs it, "I don't like you." Nonchalantly stands up and hucks the shell away over his shoulder.<br />
<br />
Comes face to face with an oddly-specific figure, who asks him, "What if I don't like you either?"<br />
<br />
"I don't need you to like me," he answers. "Either work with me, or stay out of my way."<br />
<br />
The figure smirks. Turns to dust on the wind.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
It's night again, or maybe still. He's holding another melon, standing atop a huge towering butte, staring off into the abyssal sea of stars above as the sand blows across itself below into a blurred, insignificant horizon between.<br />
<br />
He drinks the contents, throws the shell over the edge, and it disappears into the distance.<br />
<br />
He blinks. Looks around. Asks, "How did I even get up here?"<br />
<br />
Adds, after a moment, and with a great deal of consternation, "Also ''why?''"<br />
<br />
''"Didn't you want to see the sea?"'' the voice asks.<br />
<br />
"I could have seen it just fine from down there!" he points out. He sighs. Turns around. Looks for a way down. Digs up a couple more melons for the road on the way. Winds up having to fight off some local wildlife, which seemed to be under the bizarre and very unfortunate (for them) impression that drug-man-with-blaster-stick is prey.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
It's day. He's sitting in the shade of some canyon thing. Sips his melon, tries to ignore all the chanting from above. Whatever they're doing, he doesn't like it. But it's also above him.<br />
<br />
Absentmindedly picks off some dried slime from his jumpsuit. His eyes water at the fumes. He coughs, falls over.<br />
<br />
Watches, in horror, as huge slabs of dried slime jiggle their way out of the dirt, wiggle their way out of the cracks in the cliffs, jitter their way through the air, and slam together with a weird snicketty shrieking sound each time another piece joins the whole, coalescing into a huge, giant, sandy, slimey, fluttering figure of... himself? But in armour. With maybe an actual blaster. Definitely a jetpack.<br />
<br />
It jetpacks away, up, out.<br />
<br />
He jetpacks out of the sarlaac, having finally remembered how to use it, through the thick, corrosive, mind-numbing fumes, muttering about its ears, gotta stop them, gotta snip them, all the ears, it's the ears in the tendrils, ears, all ears, ears. He travels quite a ways, past an actual city or two and totally oblivious of all the gorgeous desert panoramas besides, before finally running out of fuel. Falls out of the sky still muttering, and also twitching a bit. Ragdolls on impact, still completely oblivious as he continues to roll down the dune.<br />
<br />
Comes to a stop. Mutters something about happy nappy. Pats the ground securely, and stills.<br />
<br />
Strange insectoid blobs show up, bubbling and blurring, their shapes ever changing, right at home with the rest of the world all around them. They crackle and hiss like flames amongst each other. He tenses, not sure what to do, not sure how. They're so big, so wrong. Maybe they'll pass by if he just pretends he's dead?<br />
<br />
Nope. They cluster around, crackling, spitting. Poking. They try to take his armour. He leaps into action, swats at them with his not-quite-yet-stick, whirling and twirling. Howls that it's the ears, gotta snip the ears. The ears! Runs at them insistently as they scatter and flee, and chases after a bit, still shouting.<br />
<br />
The shapes start to settle a bit as they get away, much smaller than they'd initially looked. Also hairy. He stops before actually catching any, so they never do quite fully turn jawa just yet.<br />
<br />
He would be making so many crazy faces at this point, except we can't even see a one, because he still has his helmet on. Gotta settle for some rather inhuman sounds instead, perhaps.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Return to the present. We can see his face now, as he remembers, puts two and two together. Mostly he just looks vaguely uncomfortable. Not quite sure what to do with this information. Not quite sure it matters?<br />
<br />
Eyes his empty melon. Gives it a shake, waves it around a bit. Gets some residual fumes to emerge.<br />
<br />
They're awfully similar to the sarlaac fumes.<br />
<br />
''"Now he gets it,"'' the voice says, huge and everywhere and awful.<br />
<br />
"You're a hallucination," he tells the voice.<br />
<br />
''"Obviously,"'' it replies.<br />
<br />
"So why couldn't you be less awful?" he asks.<br />
<br />
It doesn't answer.<br />
<br />
He rolls his eyes. Tries again, "It's all hallucinations?"<br />
<br />
''"Only mostly,"'' it tells him. ''"Can't be too distracting, lest the desert seas never survive themselves."''<br />
<br />
"Am I even really here at all?" he asks.<br />
<br />
''"What is here? Here is what?"''<br />
<br />
He winces, pinches his eyes. Just gives up entirely and wanders off.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Maybe other stuff happens. Maybe not. Do we care? This probably covers most of the important bits, at least. The rest would just be further filler. Teasers. Stuff thrown in to see what people turn into memes already, hopefully, because that'll be the stuff to focus on, of course, if you definitely don't understand the lifecycle of memes.<br />
<br />
In the end, he's mostly sober, adjusted to this whole mess, just getting some continued vague weirdness from the melons. Maybe he's even starting to question if his stick really is anything more than a stick. Presumably some dramatic climactic reveal that this is definitely actually Boba Fett, complete with gratuitous namedropping, has finally occurred.<br />
<br />
;OBLIGATORY TITLE SCREEN AT THIS REVEAL, EVEN IF IT'S ALMOST THE END OF THE TIMESLOT ALREADY<br />
<br />
It's day, the suns beating down overhead. He's sitting by a marker, one of those tapering stacks of stones, indicating the way in the middle of a great flat vastness of rippling heat and nothing much but. In this case, the way is some of those unreal plant shoots, as if only painted badly on in post, and under them, more of those infernal melons to dig up like some sort of joke replacement for a well. He's drinking one, resigned to it, maybe even coming to savour it. Why not. It's all there is. He has no choice.<br />
<br />
A figure appears on the horizon. Rides up very, very, very slowly, because banthas are very, very, very slow, apparently.<br />
<br />
The guy just watches, disinterested. His stick is beside him, but he doesn't reach for it. Not yet. Plus the figure apparently also has a stick, but with mounted advantage. Typical.<br />
<br />
So he sits, watches, as the figure continues to approach, finally starting to actually look like someone on a bantha. Definitely has a stick.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett sighs.<br />
<br />
Finally, after a long, long, long approach, the figure arrives. Dismounts. It's a sandperson, but only one. Comes around, points the stick at Boba Fett.<br />
<br />
Turns out he's a bit beyond actually caring at this point, and just watches the sandperson impassively, waiting still. Daring the newcomer to either follow through or fuck off.<br />
<br />
The sandperson stands in deliberation, stick pointed quite certainly straight at sitting man's chest.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett doesn't even really react at all.<br />
<br />
''"He knows, same as you do,"'' the terrible everywhere nowhere voice says. ''"He knows."''<br />
<br />
"I don't," Boba Fett says. "So unless he can actually explain any of this, I am ''not'' interested."<br />
<br />
The sandperson rocks his head, seems to consider. Notes our madman's stick in turn, before finally lowering his own. Answers, in a language that definitely shouldn't be perfectly intelligible, but somehow totally is, "I can. Ride with me."<br />
<br />
<br />
== Episode 2: Well, that's a backstory, maybe ==<br />
<br />
Open on a stereotypical adventuretown settlement, desert edition. Star Wars bedouins, aka sand people, doing star wars bedouin non-raiding things, because why the hell would you even be going a viking ''all'' the time?! Obviously they do normal stuff too, somewhere, probably. Like at very least throw a moot and get high on concentrated melons or something maybe? But also come on, even if you know nothing about the culture you're aiming to stereotype, at least pull from something functionally similar. They're all pretty weird regardless, it's just different flavours.<br />
<br />
In this case, normal stuff at the moment seems to mostly consist of a couple of arguments amongst each other (possibly folks seated in something rocking-chair-like somewhere porchlike, drinking concentrated melons all day long like the proper old farts that they are), as well as some random pantsless tiny children running around screaming, with some sort of parental figure shouting at a pair of them in particular, and then a shoe flying at one of those, clonking that one on the head.<br />
<br />
Notably, this particular pair of pantsless tiny children appear, for whatever reason, to be twi'leks, making the pantlessness that tiny children the worlds over seem to be prone to all the more ironic. Never even mind how uncomfortable pants actually are in a hot desert, consider how most gamers seem to want to play twi'leks in MMOs. But nope, in this case, it's just typical tiny undergrown idiots being typical tiny undergrown idiots. Ensue obligatory pantslessness.<br />
<br />
Another shoe flies after them before we move on from this semi-pointless scene-setting.<br />
<br />
It may be of note that these sand people are, while still recognisably sand people somewhat, overall dressed and masked in a fashion rather different from previous portrayals. This isn't to break convention, however, so much as just to maybe possibly start to set things up to distinguish between different tribes, especially when we might possibly be on totally the other side of the planet from others previously seen on TV anyway (who we'll definitely obviously encounter later). Planets are big, yo. They're big.<br />
<br />
All of that probably sails over our viewers' heads regardless, and our two riders - the not-actually-titular Boba Fett and the for now still unnamed, masked-only fella who just randomly showed up out of nowhere and we're absolutely not calling Sherif Ali - finally dismount from the incredibly slow-moving bantha that has, thus far, allowed us in its slowness to still somehow fail to appreciate all the worldbuilding smashed into this random desert settlement.<br />
<br />
It's a little comical, really, considering the sheer size of the thing. They basically each drop down like overweight cats. The only thing missing is the loud thonks.<br />
<br />
They go into a tent. Inside are two sandpeople in even differenter garb, fighting over what may or may not be the dial on what may or may not be some sort of portable stove. Flames erupt from the hob, then change colour, then go out. They're also arguing, something about how we need this temperature, so this colour, no we need it to not burn out the emitters, dude there's no point if we can't actually cook the thing anyway?! Etc, going around in circles a bit.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett gives them a dubious look. Raises an eyebrow at Not-Ali.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali crosses his arms.<br />
<br />
The two don't seem to notice, and continue arguing and fighting over the dial for an entire two more lines and four more bursts of flames before one of them makes an especially pretty purple fwoosh that sets the other one on fire.<br />
<br />
The not-on-fire one screams and flails a bit, before running away.<br />
<br />
The on-fire one falls over, but completely neglects to actually roll around on the probably actually somewhat fire-resistant carpets. Normal wool is surprisingly fire-resistant, turns out. Bantha wool might be positively impervious. At very least the tent doesn't catch fire, whatever the case.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali finally steps forward, grabs the star wars version of a fire blanket (probably just a fire blanket, come on, you can make them out of just about whatever as long as it's gapless and has a relatively high ignition point) off a random post, and throws it over the on-fire person. Wraps them up a bit in a sort of twisting motion and fwips it back off.<br />
<br />
Just like that, fire's out, situation resolved.<br />
<br />
The stove makes a weird noise, so Not-Ali turns it off fully.<br />
<br />
"Seriously?" Boba Fett says, decidedly unimpressed by all this, on several levels.<br />
<br />
The other bickerer, now hiding behind something, peeks around the side of it. Pulls back abruptly when spotted.<br />
<br />
"I have no words," Not-Ali says. Shakes his head in utter disappointment, or something.<br />
<br />
"You mean besides those?" Boba Fett also steps over to take a look. Admits, "Not that I have any idea what to make of this either, but I don't really know what to make of any of this anyway."<br />
<br />
"Ashk-osk," Not-Ali commands. Jerks his head in a come-here motion as the other bickerer peers around at them again.<br />
<br />
Ashk-osk, apparently, finally emerges trepidatiously, scoots forward, drops to the ground at Not-Ali's feet.<br />
<br />
There's a bit of a pause, as if even Not-Ali wasn't actually expecting that. Then he just sighs. Asks them both, "Did Torishk Abernthadsol not tell you ''precisely'' what temperature you need?"<br />
<br />
The pair look at eat other (or at very least point their masks at each other), before the slightly-singed one admits, "Well... yes?"<br />
<br />
The other one also looks up and nods, after a slight further delay.<br />
<br />
"So what exactly is the problem?" Not-Ali asks.<br />
<br />
"Well..." the singed one starts. Trails off. Points his (?) mask at the other one.<br />
<br />
"The stove doesn't do that temperature?" Askh-osk says.<br />
<br />
"Do other stoves?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
"Uh..." Ashk-osk says. The two exchange looks again, and then, in perfect unison, flee out of the tent, running right past our actually maybe important characters.<br />
<br />
"...what," Boba Fett says.<br />
<br />
"Some people are idiots," Not-Ali replies. Waggles his head. "It's a fact of life."<br />
<br />
;TITLE SCREEEEEEN?! OOOO BACKSTORY<br />
<br />
They wind up talking to some sort of Important Person further in, who seems to be some sort of secretary records keeper, or possibly the shaman guiding the entire tribe, or maybe some random granny or something, who gives them the sweeping grand backstory.<br />
<br />
It's an epic tale, complete with custom animation, depicting the origins of the tribe, their floating turtle-crawlers eating their way across the surface of the misting, churning, blinding oceans, and an infestation of totally-not-slugs that kept getting into their beer. They fought the slugs with weapons, with space swords and sticks shaped like blasters (the sticks being giant slugs too at this point might be a bit much), to no avail. They fought the slugs with poison, and near poisoned themselves more than the actual slugs (and maybe their slug-guns?). They fought the slugs with fire, and the slugs just became flaming slugs, not even bothered, still getting into their beer!<br />
<br />
So the tribe had to take drastic measures. They broke away from the other tribes, and set out alone in search of aid, or answers, or something. Something to use as slug repellent that actually worked, maybe? They encountered monsters, sirens, storms, the tribe's then-shaman-leader's mum, now giant and half-mum, half-kraken, and possibly not even the correct halves. Through it all they prevailed, or at least mostly survived, since they did at least still have some beer even if the slugs were eating a good half of it, and they weren't exactly helpless considering their floating turtle crawler was absolutely covered in giant guns... that may or may not have just been giant logs (or slugs) shaped like artillery, it's not entirely clear. Literally, the art style isn't the clearest.<br />
<br />
Until at last, at long, long last, they came to the Quantum Island, said to be spotted once in every man's lifespan, only to disappear the moment they look away.<br />
<br />
Only now, they all saw it. And they all stared at it. Did their utmost to not look away. Some blinked, but so long as others did not, it was okay, and so they coordinated their blinking! Until they could dock, a procedure that consisted of the crawler taking a giant chomp out of the island, eating approximately half of it in one bite.<br />
<br />
The bravest warriors disembarked, staring absolutely intently all the while, bug-eyed (the masks came later). Searched the island, under every rock, every bit of washed up weeds. Behind the single tree approximately eight different times.<br />
<br />
And that's where they found the lizard. Which promptly jumped up someone's nose and told him how to fix the problem: just dump all the beer from the affected vats, clean them out completely in the ocean, and get a new starter off another tribe. Dude.<br />
<br />
And so, armed with this new information, they headed back. Returned to the other tribes, did as the lizard said.<br />
<br />
And all was well.<br />
<br />
This whole tale takes maybe five minutes to tell, and ends with a pithy, "See? Totally reasonable."<br />
<br />
Boba Fett winces. Shakes his head. Says, "Yeah. No. I'm going."<br />
<br />
''"But now you know,"'' the horrible everywhere voice says, as he turns to leave.<br />
<br />
"No!" he shouts at it, not even stopping as he heads for the exit.<br />
<br />
The lizard jumps out of his nose, hits the floor with an entirely too wet-sounding splat, especially considering the ground is probably carpets, which really aren't that conducive to splats.<br />
<br />
Finally Boba Fett stops. Stares at it.<br />
<br />
The lizard doesn't move.<br />
<br />
He stares at it some more.<br />
<br />
"Yup," the shaman granny secretary says, going back to whatever she was doing before they'd shown up.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali comes around. Looks at the lizard. Looks at Boba Fett. Tilts his head enquiringly.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett pokes it with his stick.<br />
<br />
Immediately the lizard perks up and scuttles away. Dives into a bunch of random junk, and disappears.<br />
<br />
"It's real," Not-Ali says. "Welcome to the tribe." Pauses. Adds, with a slight shrug, "If you want."<br />
<br />
Boba Fett tries to speak. Sputters. Throws up his hands and gesticulates a bit. Finally just lets out a long, sad whimper, the desperation at this point written clearly across his face. Not even diagonally. Just straight across.<br />
<br />
"You can leave," Not-Ali goes on. "Wander on, see the sights. Find other civilisation if you want. Even go off-world if that's where you'd rather be. There's..." he trails off with a long sigh. "Options. Not really sure why more people don't take them."<br />
<br />
"Well... what about you?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali shrugs. "This is what I know. And I'm good at it. Damn good."<br />
<br />
"Eh?"<br />
<br />
"Damn good," Not-Ali repeats.<br />
<br />
"At what, exactly?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali just turns to leave, but indicates with his head to come with.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Outside the tent once more, Not-Ali points in a seemingly random direction, and declares, "THIS."<br />
<br />
"Uh huh," Boba Fett says. "Okay."<br />
<br />
One of the old drunk porch farts shouts at them, "Hey, when ya gonna check out that construction out by back by way?" Waves a particularly fumy melon at them for emphasis, while Not-Ali just turns slowly to face him. Shouts as a followup, "You should totally check out that construction and tell us aaaaaall abouts it!"<br />
<br />
Not-Ali shifts his stance. Takes a deep, huge breath. Begins, initially quietly, "For the 87th time." Pauses for an even deeper breath, and bellows back his actual retort, like an angry foghorn: "I DON'T CARE!"<br />
<br />
The settlement goes silent, still. For a moment, the sheer loudness and its after-effects put a pause to everything all around. Then a bantha falls over, and sound resumes. Life goes on.<br />
<br />
The old fart grumbles, but pretty obviously intentionally still loudly enough for them to still hear it, "Well if you're gonna be like that about it..."<br />
<br />
"Yes!" Not-Ali barks back, still loudly, but at least not as. Quieter like a more normal, less violent sort of horn. "Yes I am."<br />
<br />
Which is amusing and all, but at some point, presumeably some actual plot should happen? Perhaps not. What even is anyone after here, anyway? It never really was clear.<br />
<br />
Seriously, I'm not gonna make up an entire plot for a silly TV show that shouldn't even exist. I got dumber plots to make up. Also this might be the episode anyway. Insert some sort of teaser here I guess.<br />
<br />
[[Category:Wat]]<br />
[[Category:Star Wars]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=In_the_Desert&diff=4718In the Desert2024-01-11T23:32:39Z<p>Apheori: </p>
<hr />
<div>''Initiate distraction. Commence getting sidetracked.<br />
<br />
''Let's wander off entirely for a moment, shall we? Remember that show that really shouldn't have just been 'boba fett' anyway, since it wasn't? 'The Book of Boba Fett'? What in all the worlds were they even going for with that title? How very strange. How very limiting.<br />
<br />
''No, let's try that one again. It needs to be bigger than that. Wider. Fuller. No end in sight, not right here. Don't bake it right into the very beginning. Really? Let's call it '''"In The Desert"''', because we're boring and most of the other references would make even less sense. And we can always set that scene, in theme or otherwise. Hint, time and again, at how very strange the deserts of this throwaway world might be, as all are, if you only stop to really look, and listen, and get a lizard up your nose. Only from there can you properly move on into something properly weird.<br />
<br />
''Notes:<br />
# ''Whatever else goes on, the main character's bantha must go forever nameless. It's probably more than one bantha anyway. Slip up, and we can fob it off to some other recurring character's bantha if need be, too. No names, kids. No names.<br />
# ''Just tell the story in order. Don't try to pull some Arrow shit, that didn't even work for Arrow that well anyway.<br />
# ''We already have gobs of artsy slow contemplative shows. Why not have some fun for a change? Also what the hell genre even is this?<br />
# ''The sand people aren't beduins, vikings, mongols, or retired gentlemen from southern italy. Which means we can throw in aspects of any of those willy-nilly. Or not.<br />
# ''There are a lot of tribes, and they're mostly different. Maybe some aren't different at all, just to mix things up. Maybe some are total barbarians and turn out to have gone way overboard with the drug melons and fried their brains completely. ...oops?<br />
# ''Every episode should have some sort of lizard-induced sort of silliness, a ridiculous tribal backstory (thought they do need to be at least based in something consistent with each other, and we need one every time we meet a new tribe), and/or a potential hallucination or five. It's a rule.<br />
# ''The timescale is unclear. Is it drugs, or laziness on the part of the writer? Why not both?<br />
# ''Prophetic hallucinations are not spoilers. The real thing can go absolutely however it wants. As many times as it wants. Maybe.<br />
# ''Most of the sand people absolutely loathe sand.<br />
<br />
<br />
== Episode 1: Oh look, it's Boba Fett ==<br />
<br />
It should open like Digger, or Fear and Loathing, or something else equally as insane, to really set the scene. Introduce everything, as the strange, wounded man wanders the desert, and weird shit happens. He's been here forever, or not. He meets people, things, rocks. Some are real, some are not. Open up, perhaps, with a shoot-out with a bunch of jawa-mounted banthas. The banthas are all floating a bit above the jawas for some reason, possibly just because otherwise the jawas wouldn't even be visible. He dodges their fire quite skilfully, though it turns out to be rocks. Shoots back, takes them out, one after another after another. They also turn out to be rocks, but much larger rocks. And yet more rocks continue to fly at him, because the sandstorm is still approaching.<br />
<br />
He has no armour at this point, just a sand-encrusted jumpsuit and a blaster-shaped stick. Does the stick actually work as a blaster? It might. It sure seems to, at least. He has no other supplies at all, however. No water, no food, no shovel, no shelter. Nothing to protect against the sandstorm, either. So he does what any drugged-out man with a stick would do: challenges the sandstorm to dare steal his shoes?!<br />
<br />
He actually might be wearing shoes. Nevermind that.<br />
<br />
It knocks him over, and he burrows into his shirt, blindly shaking the stick at the storm regardless, firing wildly.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
The storm passes, leaving behind a landscape of softened edges and snow-like accumulation. Of the man there is no sign, until he erupts forth from the sand zombie-style, true to the motions all the way through. It's night. The stars are like an ocean, dizzyingly deep. He shakes a stiffened fist and demands in a hoarse voice that they tell him what he's doing there. Who even is he? Who are you? Why am I asking you?! You're just stars! You can't even hear me!<br />
<br />
And then a voice answers, strange and terrible and everywhere: ''"You're still looking for a job, so stop getting distracted."''<br />
<br />
He reels at this. He has no idea what it's talking about, or what it is, or anything about it at all. He should be terrified. He's not. He makes an animalistic snarl, indignant-like, regaining his posture. Growls back, "I have a job!"<br />
<br />
The voice doesn't miss a beat. Answers, in awful enormity, ''"But you're not doing it."''<br />
<br />
"Oh, fuck off," he tells it, except in a more family-friendly way. Mutters something about jawas selling him defective lizards.<br />
<br />
Stops.<br />
<br />
Remembers.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Flashback to him trading with a bunch of jawas. He's in his trademark armour, except it's absolutely covered in slime, and surrounded by a cloud of fumes. He's haggling, in jawa. Does he even know jawa? He does in the flashback. It's unclear how accurate any of this is, as the colours are all wrong and the other jawas in the background sometimes randomly start floating and doing loop-de-loops before settling back down and resuming whatever they were doing. At one point we see a bunch of completely unrelated muppets doing a whole jizzy gig in the background. They're not there at all a moment later.<br />
<br />
It's a frustrating trade. They don't have what he's after. It's not clear what he's after anyway, since it's all in jawa, and he possibly doesn't remember now either. They pull out a bunch of other options. Half a broken droid. Half a working droid (it complains about being not even beside itself anymore). A sack of stinky fish. The engine from a speeder. A pile of guns important to some scene several episodes later. A tiny basket with a lizard.<br />
<br />
He trades his armour for the lizard. His blaster is already a stick, so no need to do anything with that.<br />
<br />
The lizard jumps up his nose, wiggles in, disappears entirely. He struggles, falls over. Stops.<br />
<br />
The voice says, from everywhere and nowhere at once, ''"Hi there,"'' even as all the world around shimmers, wavers, swirls into exquisitely coloured dust.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Jump back to the present, or whatever this is, and some more setting-appropriate cursing, which quickly deteriorates into incoherent babble, and then somehow reforms itself into some sort of mangled song as he starts running across the dunes.<br />
<br />
At some point he dives for cover. A moment later, flying beasts swarm through the air, chirping and twittering. He peers out from behind his cover, before pulling back, scrunching up further. "Need to stay focused," he tells himself. "Not here for the bats, the bats aren't it."<br />
<br />
After a bit the bats clear out. He stands up, looks around. The stars are gone. The sky is swimming in lurid hues of every colour imaginable, pulsing, throbbing, doing its very utmost to make everyone very ill, or something.<br />
<br />
"No!" he tells it. "You're not it either!" Shoots at the horrible lurid sky. Crouches down and shuffles away. Spies some plant-like shoots poking out from some craggy rocks, follows the rocks down, more plant things. Looks around suspiciously, before dropping down fully to the ground. Uses his stick to dig up a weird melon. Pops the top like a can of soda, and the fumes that emerge waver and shift, almost as if with a life of their own, as if trying to form some particular sort of shape.<br />
<br />
He waves the fumes away, then drinks the innards. Glares at the now-empty melon-thing, and informs it, "I don't like you." Nonchalantly stands up and hucks the shell away over his shoulder.<br />
<br />
Comes face to face with an oddly-specific figure, who asks him, "What if I don't like you either?"<br />
<br />
"I don't need you to like me," he answers. "Either work with me, or stay out of my way."<br />
<br />
The figure smirks. Turns to dust on the wind.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
It's night again, or maybe still. He's holding another melon, standing atop a huge towering butte, staring off into the abyssal sea of stars above as the sand blows across itself below into a blurred, insignificant horizon between.<br />
<br />
He drinks the contents, throws the shell over the edge, and it disappears into the distance.<br />
<br />
He blinks. Looks around. Asks, "How did I even get up here?"<br />
<br />
Adds, after a moment, and with a great deal of consternation, "Also ''why?''"<br />
<br />
''"Didn't you want to see the sea?"'' the voice asks.<br />
<br />
"I could have seen it just fine from down there!" he points out. He sighs. Turns around. Looks for a way down. Digs up a couple more melons for the road on the way. Winds up having to fight off some local wildlife, which seemed to be under the bizarre and very unfortunate (for them) impression that drug-man-with-blaster-stick is prey.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
It's day. He's sitting in the shade of some canyon thing. Sips his melon, tries to ignore all the chanting from above. Whatever they're doing, he doesn't like it. But it's also above him.<br />
<br />
Absentmindedly picks off some dried slime from his jumpsuit. His eyes water at the fumes. He coughs, falls over.<br />
<br />
Watches, in horror, as huge slabs of dried slime jiggle their way out of the dirt, wiggle their way out of the cracks in the cliffs, jitter their way through the air, and slam together with a weird snicketty shrieking sound each time another piece joins the whole, coalescing into a huge, giant, sandy, slimey, fluttering figure of... himself? But in armour. With maybe an actual blaster. Definitely a jetpack.<br />
<br />
It jetpacks away, up, out.<br />
<br />
He jetpacks out of the sarlaac, having finally remembered how to use it, through the thick, corrosive, mind-numbing fumes, muttering about its ears, gotta stop them, gotta snip them, all the ears, it's the ears in the tendrils, ears, all ears, ears. He travels quite a ways, past an actual city or two and totally oblivious of all the gorgeous desert panoramas besides, before finally running out of fuel. Falls out of the sky still muttering, and also twitching a bit. Ragdolls on impact, still completely oblivious as he continues to roll down the dune.<br />
<br />
Comes to a stop. Mutters something about happy nappy. Pats the ground securely, and stills.<br />
<br />
Strange insectoid blobs show up, bubbling and blurring, their shapes ever changing, right at home with the rest of the world all around them. They crackle and hiss like flames amongst each other. He tenses, not sure what to do, not sure how. They're so big, so wrong. Maybe they'll pass by if he just pretends he's dead?<br />
<br />
Nope. They cluster around, crackling, spitting. Poking. They try to take his armour. He leaps into action, swats at them with his not-quite-yet-stick, whirling and twirling. Howls that it's the ears, gotta snip the ears. The ears! Runs at them insistently as they scatter and flee, and chases after a bit, still shouting.<br />
<br />
The shapes start to settle a bit as they get away, much smaller than they'd initially looked. Also hairy. He stops before actually catching any, so they never do quite fully turn jawa just yet.<br />
<br />
He would be making so many crazy faces at this point, except we can't even see a one, because he still has his helmet on. Gotta settle for some rather inhuman sounds instead, perhaps.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Return to the present. We can see his face now, as he remembers, puts two and two together. Mostly he just looks vaguely uncomfortable. Not quite sure what to do with this information. Not quite sure it matters?<br />
<br />
Eyes his empty melon. Gives it a shake, waves it around a bit. Gets some residual fumes to emerge.<br />
<br />
They're awfully similar to the sarlaac fumes.<br />
<br />
''"Now he gets it,"'' the voice says, huge and everywhere and awful.<br />
<br />
"You're a hallucination," he tells the voice.<br />
<br />
''"Obviously,"'' it replies.<br />
<br />
"So why couldn't you be less awful?" he asks.<br />
<br />
It doesn't answer.<br />
<br />
He rolls his eyes. Tries again, "It's all hallucinations?"<br />
<br />
''"Only mostly,"'' it tells him. ''"Can't be too distracting, lest the desert seas never survive themselves."''<br />
<br />
"Am I even really here at all?" he asks.<br />
<br />
''"What is here? Here is what?"''<br />
<br />
He winces, pinches his eyes. Just gives up entirely and wanders off.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Maybe other stuff happens. Maybe not. Do we care? This probably covers most of the important bits, at least. The rest would just be further filler. Teasers. Stuff thrown in to see what people turn into memes already, hopefully, because that'll be the stuff to focus on, of course, if you definitely don't understand the lifecycle of memes.<br />
<br />
In the end, he's mostly sober, adjusted to this whole mess, just getting some continued vague weirdness from the melons. Maybe he's even starting to question if his stick really is anything more than a stick. Presumably some dramatic climactic reveal that this is definitely actually Boba Fett, complete with gratuitous namedropping, has finally occurred.<br />
<br />
;OBLIGATORY TITLE SCREEN AT THIS REVEAL, EVEN IF IT'S ALMOST THE END OF THE TIMESLOT ALREADY<br />
<br />
It's day, the suns beating down overhead. He's sitting by a marker, one of those tapering stacks of stones, indicating the way in the middle of a great flat vastness of rippling heat and nothing much but. In this case, the way is some of those unreal plant shoots, as if only painted badly on in post, and under them, more of those infernal melons to dig up like some sort of joke replacement for a well. He's drinking one, resigned to it, maybe even coming to savour it. Why not. It's all there is. He has no choice.<br />
<br />
A figure appears on the horizon. Rides up very, very, very slowly, because banthas are very, very, very slow, apparently.<br />
<br />
The guy just watches, disinterested. His stick is beside him, but he doesn't reach for it. Not yet. Plus the figure apparently also has a stick, but with mounted advantage. Typical.<br />
<br />
So he sits, watches, as the figure continues to approach, finally starting to actually look like someone on a bantha. Definitely has a stick.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett sighs.<br />
<br />
Finally, after a long, long, long approach, the figure arrives. Dismounts. It's a sandperson, but only one. Comes around, points the stick at Boba Fett.<br />
<br />
Turns out he's a bit beyond actually caring at this point, and just watches the sandperson impassively, waiting still. Daring the newcomer to either follow through or fuck off.<br />
<br />
The sandperson stands in deliberation, stick pointed quite certainly straight at sitting man's chest.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett doesn't even really react at all.<br />
<br />
''"He knows, same as you do,"'' the terrible everywhere nowhere voice says. ''"He knows."''<br />
<br />
"I don't," Boba Fett says. "So unless he can actually explain any of this, I am ''not'' interested."<br />
<br />
The sandperson rocks his head, seems to consider. Notes our madman's stick in turn, before finally lowering his own. Answers, in a language that definitely shouldn't be perfectly intelligible, but somehow totally is, "I can. Ride with me."<br />
<br />
<br />
== Episode 2: Well, that's a backstory, maybe ==<br />
<br />
Open on a stereotypical adventuretown settlement, desert edition. Star Wars bedouins, aka sand people, doing star wars bedouin non-raiding things, because why the hell would you even be going a viking ''all'' the time?! Obviously they do normal stuff too, somewhere, probably. Like at very least throw a moot and get high on concentrated melons or something maybe? But also come on, even if you know nothing about the culture you're aiming to stereotype, at least pull from something functionally similar. They're all pretty weird regardless, it's just different flavours.<br />
<br />
In this case, normal stuff at the moment seems to mostly consist of a couple of arguments amongst each other (possibly folks seated in something rocking-chair-like somewhere porchlike, drinking concentrated melons all day long like the proper old farts that they are), as well as some random pantsless tiny children running around screaming, with some sort of parental figure shouting at a pair of them in particular, and then a shoe flying at one of those, clonking that one on the head.<br />
<br />
Notably, this particular pair of pantsless tiny children appear, for whatever reason, to be twi'leks, making the pantlessness that tiny children the worlds over seem to be prone to all the more ironic. Never even mind how uncomfortable pants actually are in a hot desert, consider how most gamers seem to want to play twi'leks in MMOs. But nope, in this case, it's just typical tiny undergrown idiots being typical tiny undergrown idiots. Ensue obligatory pantslessness.<br />
<br />
Another shoe flies after them before we move on from this semi-pointless scene-setting.<br />
<br />
It may be of note that these sand people are, while still recognisably sand people somewhat, overall dressed and masked in a fashion rather different from previous portrayals. This isn't to break convention, however, so much as just to maybe possibly start to set things up to distinguish between different tribes, especially when we might possibly be on totally the other side of the planet from others previously seen on TV anyway (who we'll definitely obviously encounter later). Planets are big, yo. They're big.<br />
<br />
All of that probably sails over our viewers' heads regardless, and our two riders - the not-actually-titular Boba Fett and the for now still unnamed, masked-only fella who just randomly showed up out of nowhere and we're absolutely not calling Sherif Ali - finally dismount from the incredibly slow-moving bantha that has, thus far, allowed us in its slowness to still somehow fail to appreciate all the worldbuilding smashed into this random desert settlement.<br />
<br />
It's a little comical, really, considering the sheer size of the thing. They basically each drop down like overweight cats. The only thing missing is the loud thonks.<br />
<br />
They go into a tent. Inside are two sandpeople in even differenter garb, fighting over what may or may not be the dial on what may or may not be some sort of portable stove. Flames erupt from the hob, then change colour, then go out. They're also arguing, something about how we need this temperature, so this colour, no we need it to not burn out the emitters, dude there's no point if we can't actually cook the thing anyway?! Etc, going around in circles a bit.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett gives them a dubious look. Raises an eyebrow at Not-Ali.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali crosses his arms.<br />
<br />
The two don't seem to notice, and continue arguing and fighting over the dial for an entire two more lines and four more bursts of flames before one of them makes an especially pretty purple fwoosh that sets the other one on fire.<br />
<br />
The not-on-fire one screams and flails a bit, before running away.<br />
<br />
The on-fire one falls over, but completely neglects to actually roll around on the probably actually somewhat fire-resistant carpets. Normal wool is surprisingly fire-resistant, turns out. Bantha wool might be positively impervious. At very least the tent doesn't catch fire, whatever the case.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali finally steps forward, grabs the star wars version of a fire blanket (probably just a fire blanket, come on, you can make them out of just about whatever as long as it's gapless and has a relatively high ignition point) off a random post, and throws it over the on-fire person. Wraps them up a bit in a sort of twisting motion and fwips it back off.<br />
<br />
Just like that, fire's out, situation resolved.<br />
<br />
The stove makes a weird noise, so Not-Ali turns it off fully.<br />
<br />
"Seriously?" Boba Fett says, decidedly unimpressed by all this, on several levels.<br />
<br />
The other bickerer, now hiding behind something, peeks around the side of it. Pulls back abruptly when spotted.<br />
<br />
"I have no words," Not-Ali says. Shakes his head in utter disappointment, or something.<br />
<br />
"You mean besides those?" Boba Fett also steps over to take a look. Admits, "Not that I have any idea what to make of this either, but I don't really know what to make of any of this anyway."<br />
<br />
"Ashk-osk," Not-Ali commands. Jerks his head in a come-here motion as the other bickerer peers around at them again.<br />
<br />
Ashk-osk, apparently, finally emerges trepidatiously, scoots forward, drops to the ground at Not-Ali's feet.<br />
<br />
There's a bit of a pause, as if even Not-Ali wasn't actually expecting that. Then he just sighs. Asks them both, "Did Torishk Abernthadsol not tell you ''precisely'' what temperature you need?"<br />
<br />
The pair look at eat other (or at very least point their masks at each other), before the slightly-singed one admits, "Well... yes?"<br />
<br />
The other one also looks up and nods, after a slight further delay.<br />
<br />
"So what exactly is the problem?" Not-Ali asks.<br />
<br />
"Well..." the singed one starts. Trails off. Points his (?) mask at the other one.<br />
<br />
"The stove doesn't do that temperature?" Askh-osk says.<br />
<br />
"Do other stoves?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
"Uh..." Ashk-osk says. The two exchange looks again, and then, in perfect unison, flee out of the tent, running right past our actually maybe important characters.<br />
<br />
"...what," Boba Fett says.<br />
<br />
"Some people are idiots," Not-Ali replies. Waggles his head. "It's a fact of life."<br />
<br />
;TITLE SCREEEEEEN?! OOOO BACKSTORY<br />
<br />
They wind up talking to some sort of Important Person further in, who seems to be some sort of secretary records keeper, or possibly the shaman guiding the entire tribe, or maybe some random granny or something, who gives them the sweeping grand backstory.<br />
<br />
It's an epic tale, complete with custom animation, depicting the origins of the tribe, their floating turtle-crawlers eating their way across the surface of the misting, churning, blinding oceans, and an infestation of totally-not-slugs that kept getting into their beer. They fought the slugs with weapons, with space swords and sticks shaped like blasters (the sticks being giant slugs too at this point might be a bit much), to no avail. They fought the slugs with poison, and near poisoned themselves more than the actual slugs (and maybe their slug-guns?). They fought the slugs with fire, and the slugs just became flaming slugs, not even bothered, still getting into their beer!<br />
<br />
So the tribe had to take drastic measures. They broke away from the other tribes, and set out alone in search of aid, or answers, or something. Something to use as slug repellent that actually worked, maybe? They encountered monsters, sirens, storms, the tribe's then-shaman-leader's mum, now giant and half-mum, half-kraken, and possibly not even the correct halves. Through it all they prevailed, or at least mostly survived, since they did at least still have some beer even if the slugs were eating a good half of it, and they weren't exactly helpless considering their floating turtle crawler was absolutely covered in giant guns... that may or may not have just been giant logs (or slugs) shaped like artillery, it's not entirely clear. Literally, the art style isn't the clearest.<br />
<br />
Until at last, at long, long last, they came to the Quantum Island, said to be spotted once in every man's lifespan, only to disappear the moment they look away.<br />
<br />
Only now, they all saw it. And they all stared at it. Did their utmost to not look away. Some blinked, but so long as others did not, it was okay, and so they coordinated their blinking! Until they could dock, a procedure that consisted of the crawler taking a giant chomp out of the island, eating approximately half of it in one bite.<br />
<br />
The bravest warriors disembarked, staring absolutely intently all the while, bug-eyed (the masks came later). Searched the island, under every rock, every bit of washed up weeds. Behind the single tree approximately eight different times.<br />
<br />
And that's where they found the lizard. Which promptly jumped up someone's nose and told him how to fix the problem: just dump all the beer from the affected vats, clean them out completely in the ocean, and get a new starter off another tribe. Dude.<br />
<br />
And so, armed with this new information, they headed back. Returned to the other tribes, did as the lizard said.<br />
<br />
And all was well.<br />
<br />
This whole tale takes maybe five minutes to tell, and ends with a pithy, "See? Totally reasonable."<br />
<br />
Boba Fett winces. Shakes his head. Says, "Yeah. No. I'm going."<br />
<br />
''"But now you know,"'' the horrible everywhere voice says, as he turns to leave.<br />
<br />
"No!" he shouts at it, not even stopping as he heads for the exit.<br />
<br />
The lizard jumps out of his nose, hits the floor with an entirely too wet-sounding splat, especially considering the ground is probably carpets, which really aren't that conducive to splats.<br />
<br />
Finally Boba Fett stops. Stares at it.<br />
<br />
The lizard doesn't move.<br />
<br />
He stares at it some more.<br />
<br />
"Yup," the shaman granny secretary says, going back to whatever she was doing before they'd shown up.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali comes around. Looks at the lizard. Looks at Boba Fett. Tilts his head enquiringly.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett pokes it with his stick.<br />
<br />
Immediately the lizard perks up and scuttles away. Dives into a bunch of random junk, and disappears.<br />
<br />
"It's real," Not-Ali says. "Welcome to the tribe." Pauses. Adds, with a slight shrug, "If you want."<br />
<br />
Boba Fett tries to speak. Sputters. Throws up his hands and gesticulates a bit. Finally just lets out a long, sad whimper, the desperation at this point written clearly across his face. Not even diagonally. Just straight across.<br />
<br />
"You can leave," Not-Ali goes on. "Wander on, see the sights. Find other civilisation if you want. Even go off-world if that's where you'd rather be. There's..." he trails off with a long sigh. "Options. Not really sure why more people don't take them."<br />
<br />
"Well... what about you?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali shrugs. "This is what I know. And I'm good at it. Damn good."<br />
<br />
"Eh?"<br />
<br />
"Damn good," Not-Ali repeats.<br />
<br />
"At what, exactly?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali just turns to leave, but indicates with his head to come with.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Outside the tent once more, Not-Ali points in a seemingly random direction, and declares, "THIS."<br />
<br />
"Uh huh," Boba Fett says. "Okay."<br />
<br />
One of the old drunk porch farts shouts at them, "Hey, when ya gonna check out that construction out by back by way?" Waves a particularly fumy melon at them for emphasis, while Not-Ali just turns slowly to face him. Shouts as a followup, "You should totally check out that construction and tell us aaaaaall abouts it!"<br />
<br />
Not-Ali shifts his stance. Takes a deep, huge breath. Begins, initially quietly, "For the 87th time." Pauses for an even deeper breath, and bellows back his actual retort, like an angry foghorn: "I DON'T CARE!"<br />
<br />
The settlement goes silent, still. For a moment, the sheer loudness and its after-effects put a pause to everything all around. Then a bantha falls over, and sound resumes. Life goes on.<br />
<br />
The old fart grumbles, but pretty obviously intentionally still loudly enough for them to still hear it, "Well if you're gonna be like that about it..."<br />
<br />
"Yes!" Not-Ali barks back, still loudly, but at least not as. Quieter like a more normal, less violent sort of horn. "Yes I am."<br />
<br />
Which is amusing and all, but at some point, presumeably some actual plot should happen? Perhaps not. What even is anyone after here, anyway? It never really was clear.<br />
<br />
Seriously, I'm not gonna make up an entire plot for a silly TV show that shouldn't even exist. I got dumber plots to make up. Also this might be the episode anyway. Insert some sort of teaser here I guess.<br />
<br />
[[Category:Wat]]<br />
[[Category:Star Wars]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=In_the_Desert&diff=4717In the Desert2024-01-11T23:31:00Z<p>Apheori: Fix intro</p>
<hr />
<div>''Initiate distraction. Commence getting sidetracked.<br />
<br />
''Let's wander off entirely for a moment, shall we? Remember that show that really shouldn't have just been 'boba fett' anyway, since it wasn't? 'The Book of Boba Fett'? What in all the worlds were they even going for with that title? How very strange. How very limiting.<br />
<br />
''No, let's try that one again. It needs to be bigger than that. Wider. Fuller. No end in sight, not right here. Don't bake it right into the very beginning. Really? Let's call it '''"In The Desert"''', because we're boring and most of the other references would make even less sense. And we can always set that scene, in theme or otherwise. Hint, time and again, at how very strange the deserts of this throwaway world might be, as all are, if you only stop to really look, and listen, and get a lizard up your nose. Only from there can you properly move on into something properly weird.<br />
<br />
''Notes:<br />
# ''Whatever else goes on, the main character's bantha must go forever nameless. It's probably more than one bantha anyway. Slip up, and we can fob it off to some other recurring character's bantha if need be, too. No names, kids. No names.<br />
# ''Just tell the story in order. Don't try to pull some Arrow shit, that didn't even work for Arrow that well anyway.<br />
# ''We already have gobs of artsy slow contemplative shows. Why not have some fun for a change? Also what the hell genre even is this?<br />
# ''The sand people aren't beduins, vikings, mongols, or retired gentlemen from southern italy. Which means we can throw in aspects of any of those willy-nilly. Or not.<br />
# ''There are a lot of tribes, and they're mostly different. Maybe some aren't different at all, just to mix things up. Maybe some are total barbarians and turn out to have gone way overboard with the drug melons and fried their brains completely. ...oops?<br />
# ''Every episode should have some sort of lizard-induced sort of silliness, a ridiculous tribal backstory (thought they do need to be at least based in something consistent with each other, and we need one every time we meet a new tribe), and/or a potential hallucination or five. It's a rule.<br />
# ''The timescale is unclear. Is it drugs, or laziness on the part of the writer? Why not both?<br />
# ''Prophetic hallucinations are not spoilers. The real thing can go absolutely however it wants. As many times as it wants. Maybe.<br />
# ''Most of the sand people absolutely loathe sand.<br />
<br />
<br />
== Episode 1: Oh look, it's Boba Fett ==<br />
<br />
''It should open like Digger, or Fear and Loathing, or something else equally as insane, to really set the scene. Introduce everything, as the strange, wounded man wanders the desert, and weird shit happens. He's been here forever, or not. He meets people, things, rocks. Some are real, some are not. Open up, perhaps, with a shoot-out with a bunch of jawa-mounted banthas. The banthas are all floating a bit above the jawas for some reason, possibly just because otherwise the jawas wouldn't even be visible. He dodges their fire quite skilfully, though it turns out to be rocks. Shoots back, takes them out, one after another after another. They also turn out to be rocks, but much larger rocks. And yet more rocks continue to fly at him, because the sandstorm is still approaching.<br />
<br />
He has no armour at this point, just a sand-encrusted jumpsuit and a blaster-shaped stick. Does the stick actually work as a blaster? It might. It sure seems to, at least. He has no other supplies at all, however. No water, no food, no shovel, no shelter. Nothing to protect against the sandstorm, either. So he does what any drugged-out man with a stick would do: challenges the sandstorm to dare steal his shoes?!<br />
<br />
He actually might be wearing shoes. Nevermind that.<br />
<br />
It knocks him over, and he burrows into his shirt, blindly shaking the stick at the storm regardless, firing wildly.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
The storm passes, leaving behind a landscape of softened edges and snow-like accumulation. Of the man there is no sign, until he erupts forth from the sand zombie-style, true to the motions all the way through. It's night. The stars are like an ocean, dizzyingly deep. He shakes a stiffened fist and demands in a hoarse voice that they tell him what he's doing there. Who even is he? Who are you? Why am I asking you?! You're just stars! You can't even hear me!<br />
<br />
And then a voice answers, strange and terrible and everywhere: ''"You're still looking for a job, so stop getting distracted."''<br />
<br />
He reels at this. He has no idea what it's talking about, or what it is, or anything about it at all. He should be terrified. He's not. He makes an animalistic snarl, indignant-like, regaining his posture. Growls back, "I have a job!"<br />
<br />
The voice doesn't miss a beat. Answers, in awful enormity, ''"But you're not doing it."''<br />
<br />
"Oh, fuck off," he tells it, except in a more family-friendly way. Mutters something about jawas selling him defective lizards.<br />
<br />
Stops.<br />
<br />
Remembers.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Flashback to him trading with a bunch of jawas. He's in his trademark armour, except it's absolutely covered in slime, and surrounded by a cloud of fumes. He's haggling, in jawa. Does he even know jawa? He does in the flashback. It's unclear how accurate any of this is, as the colours are all wrong and the other jawas in the background sometimes randomly start floating and doing loop-de-loops before settling back down and resuming whatever they were doing. At one point we see a bunch of completely unrelated muppets doing a whole jizzy gig in the background. They're not there at all a moment later.<br />
<br />
It's a frustrating trade. They don't have what he's after. It's not clear what he's after anyway, since it's all in jawa, and he possibly doesn't remember now either. They pull out a bunch of other options. Half a broken droid. Half a working droid (it complains about being not even beside itself anymore). A sack of stinky fish. The engine from a speeder. A pile of guns important to some scene several episodes later. A tiny basket with a lizard.<br />
<br />
He trades his armour for the lizard. His blaster is already a stick, so no need to do anything with that.<br />
<br />
The lizard jumps up his nose, wiggles in, disappears entirely. He struggles, falls over. Stops.<br />
<br />
The voice says, from everywhere and nowhere at once, ''"Hi there,"'' even as all the world around shimmers, wavers, swirls into exquisitely coloured dust.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Jump back to the present, or whatever this is, and some more setting-appropriate cursing, which quickly deteriorates into incoherent babble, and then somehow reforms itself into some sort of mangled song as he starts running across the dunes.<br />
<br />
At some point he dives for cover. A moment later, flying beasts swarm through the air, chirping and twittering. He peers out from behind his cover, before pulling back, scrunching up further. "Need to stay focused," he tells himself. "Not here for the bats, the bats aren't it."<br />
<br />
After a bit the bats clear out. He stands up, looks around. The stars are gone. The sky is swimming in lurid hues of every colour imaginable, pulsing, throbbing, doing its very utmost to make everyone very ill, or something.<br />
<br />
"No!" he tells it. "You're not it either!" Shoots at the horrible lurid sky. Crouches down and shuffles away. Spies some plant-like shoots poking out from some craggy rocks, follows the rocks down, more plant things. Looks around suspiciously, before dropping down fully to the ground. Uses his stick to dig up a weird melon. Pops the top like a can of soda, and the fumes that emerge waver and shift, almost as if with a life of their own, as if trying to form some particular sort of shape.<br />
<br />
He waves the fumes away, then drinks the innards. Glares at the now-empty melon-thing, and informs it, "I don't like you." Nonchalantly stands up and hucks the shell away over his shoulder.<br />
<br />
Comes face to face with an oddly-specific figure, who asks him, "What if I don't like you either?"<br />
<br />
"I don't need you to like me," he answers. "Either work with me, or stay out of my way."<br />
<br />
The figure smirks. Turns to dust on the wind.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
It's night again, or maybe still. He's holding another melon, standing atop a huge towering butte, staring off into the abyssal sea of stars above as the sand blows across itself below into a blurred, insignificant horizon between.<br />
<br />
He drinks the contents, throws the shell over the edge, and it disappears into the distance.<br />
<br />
He blinks. Looks around. Asks, "How did I even get up here?"<br />
<br />
Adds, after a moment, and with a great deal of consternation, "Also ''why?''"<br />
<br />
''"Didn't you want to see the sea?"'' the voice asks.<br />
<br />
"I could have seen it just fine from down there!" he points out. He sighs. Turns around. Looks for a way down. Digs up a couple more melons for the road on the way. Winds up having to fight off some local wildlife, which seemed to be under the bizarre and very unfortunate (for them) impression that drug-man-with-blaster-stick is prey.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
It's day. He's sitting in the shade of some canyon thing. Sips his melon, tries to ignore all the chanting from above. Whatever they're doing, he doesn't like it. But it's also above him.<br />
<br />
Absentmindedly picks off some dried slime from his jumpsuit. His eyes water at the fumes. He coughs, falls over.<br />
<br />
Watches, in horror, as huge slabs of dried slime jiggle their way out of the dirt, wiggle their way out of the cracks in the cliffs, jitter their way through the air, and slam together with a weird snicketty shrieking sound each time another piece joins the whole, coalescing into a huge, giant, sandy, slimey, fluttering figure of... himself? But in armour. With maybe an actual blaster. Definitely a jetpack.<br />
<br />
It jetpacks away, up, out.<br />
<br />
He jetpacks out of the sarlaac, having finally remembered how to use it, through the thick, corrosive, mind-numbing fumes, muttering about its ears, gotta stop them, gotta snip them, all the ears, it's the ears in the tendrils, ears, all ears, ears. He travels quite a ways, past an actual city or two and totally oblivious of all the gorgeous desert panoramas besides, before finally running out of fuel. Falls out of the sky still muttering, and also twitching a bit. Ragdolls on impact, still completely oblivious as he continues to roll down the dune.<br />
<br />
Comes to a stop. Mutters something about happy nappy. Pats the ground securely, and stills.<br />
<br />
Strange insectoid blobs show up, bubbling and blurring, their shapes ever changing, right at home with the rest of the world all around them. They crackle and hiss like flames amongst each other. He tenses, not sure what to do, not sure how. They're so big, so wrong. Maybe they'll pass by if he just pretends he's dead?<br />
<br />
Nope. They cluster around, crackling, spitting. Poking. They try to take his armour. He leaps into action, swats at them with his not-quite-yet-stick, whirling and twirling. Howls that it's the ears, gotta snip the ears. The ears! Runs at them insistently as they scatter and flee, and chases after a bit, still shouting.<br />
<br />
The shapes start to settle a bit as they get away, much smaller than they'd initially looked. Also hairy. He stops before actually catching any, so they never do quite fully turn jawa just yet.<br />
<br />
He would be making so many crazy faces at this point, except we can't even see a one, because he still has his helmet on. Gotta settle for some rather inhuman sounds instead, perhaps.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Return to the present. We can see his face now, as he remembers, puts two and two together. Mostly he just looks vaguely uncomfortable. Not quite sure what to do with this information. Not quite sure it matters?<br />
<br />
Eyes his empty melon. Gives it a shake, waves it around a bit. Gets some residual fumes to emerge.<br />
<br />
They're awfully similar to the sarlaac fumes.<br />
<br />
''"Now he gets it,"'' the voice says, huge and everywhere and awful.<br />
<br />
"You're a hallucination," he tells the voice.<br />
<br />
''"Obviously,"'' it replies.<br />
<br />
"So why couldn't you be less awful?" he asks.<br />
<br />
It doesn't answer.<br />
<br />
He rolls his eyes. Tries again, "It's all hallucinations?"<br />
<br />
''"Only mostly,"'' it tells him. ''"Can't be too distracting, lest the desert seas never survive themselves."''<br />
<br />
"Am I even really here at all?" he asks.<br />
<br />
''"What is here? Here is what?"''<br />
<br />
He winces, pinches his eyes. Just gives up entirely and wanders off.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Maybe other stuff happens. Maybe not. Do we care? This probably covers most of the important bits, at least. The rest would just be further filler. Teasers. Stuff thrown in to see what people turn into memes already, hopefully, because that'll be the stuff to focus on, of course, if you definitely don't understand the lifecycle of memes.<br />
<br />
In the end, he's mostly sober, adjusted to this whole mess, just getting some continued vague weirdness from the melons. Maybe he's even starting to question if his stick really is anything more than a stick. Presumably some dramatic climactic reveal that this is definitely actually Boba Fett, complete with gratuitous namedropping, has finally occurred.<br />
<br />
;OBLIGATORY TITLE SCREEN AT THIS REVEAL, EVEN IF IT'S ALMOST THE END OF THE TIMESLOT ALREADY<br />
<br />
It's day, the suns beating down overhead. He's sitting by a marker, one of those tapering stacks of stones, indicating the way in the middle of a great flat vastness of rippling heat and nothing much but. In this case, the way is some of those unreal plant shoots, as if only painted badly on in post, and under them, more of those infernal melons to dig up like some sort of joke replacement for a well. He's drinking one, resigned to it, maybe even coming to savour it. Why not. It's all there is. He has no choice.<br />
<br />
A figure appears on the horizon. Rides up very, very, very slowly, because banthas are very, very, very slow, apparently.<br />
<br />
The guy just watches, disinterested. His stick is beside him, but he doesn't reach for it. Not yet. Plus the figure apparently also has a stick, but with mounted advantage. Typical.<br />
<br />
So he sits, watches, as the figure continues to approach, finally starting to actually look like someone on a bantha. Definitely has a stick.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett sighs.<br />
<br />
Finally, after a long, long, long approach, the figure arrives. Dismounts. It's a sandperson, but only one. Comes around, points the stick at Boba Fett.<br />
<br />
Turns out he's a bit beyond actually caring at this point, and just watches the sandperson impassively, waiting still. Daring the newcomer to either follow through or fuck off.<br />
<br />
The sandperson stands in deliberation, stick pointed quite certainly straight at sitting man's chest.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett doesn't even really react at all.<br />
<br />
''"He knows, same as you do,"'' the terrible everywhere nowhere voice says. ''"He knows."''<br />
<br />
"I don't," Boba Fett says. "So unless he can actually explain any of this, I am ''not'' interested."<br />
<br />
The sandperson rocks his head, seems to consider. Notes our madman's stick in turn, before finally lowering his own. Answers, in a language that definitely shouldn't be perfectly intelligible, but somehow totally is, "I can. Ride with me."<br />
<br />
<br />
== Episode 2: Well, that's a backstory, maybe ==<br />
<br />
Open on a stereotypical adventuretown settlement, desert edition. Star Wars bedouins, aka sand people, doing star wars bedouin non-raiding things, because why the hell would you even be going a viking ''all'' the time?! Obviously they do normal stuff too, somewhere, probably. Like at very least throw a moot and get high on concentrated melons or something maybe? But also come on, even if you know nothing about the culture you're aiming to stereotype, at least pull from something functionally similar. They're all pretty weird regardless, it's just different flavours.<br />
<br />
In this case, normal stuff at the moment seems to mostly consist of a couple of arguments amongst each other (possibly folks seated in something rocking-chair-like somewhere porchlike, drinking concentrated melons all day long like the proper old farts that they are), as well as some random pantsless tiny children running around screaming, with some sort of parental figure shouting at a pair of them in particular, and then a shoe flying at one of those, clonking that one on the head.<br />
<br />
Notably, this particular pair of pantsless tiny children appear, for whatever reason, to be twi'leks, making the pantlessness that tiny children the worlds over seem to be prone to all the more ironic. Never even mind how uncomfortable pants actually are in a hot desert, consider how most gamers seem to want to play twi'leks in MMOs. But nope, in this case, it's just typical tiny undergrown idiots being typical tiny undergrown idiots. Ensue obligatory pantslessness.<br />
<br />
Another shoe flies after them before we move on from this semi-pointless scene-setting.<br />
<br />
It may be of note that these sand people are, while still recognisably sand people somewhat, overall dressed and masked in a fashion rather different from previous portrayals. This isn't to break convention, however, so much as just to maybe possibly start to set things up to distinguish between different tribes, especially when we might possibly be on totally the other side of the planet from others previously seen on TV anyway (who we'll definitely obviously encounter later). Planets are big, yo. They're big.<br />
<br />
All of that probably sails over our viewers' heads regardless, and our two riders - the not-actually-titular Boba Fett and the for now still unnamed, masked-only fella who just randomly showed up out of nowhere and we're absolutely not calling Sherif Ali - finally dismount from the incredibly slow-moving bantha that has, thus far, allowed us in its slowness to still somehow fail to appreciate all the worldbuilding smashed into this random desert settlement.<br />
<br />
It's a little comical, really, considering the sheer size of the thing. They basically each drop down like overweight cats. The only thing missing is the loud thonks.<br />
<br />
They go into a tent. Inside are two sandpeople in even differenter garb, fighting over what may or may not be the dial on what may or may not be some sort of portable stove. Flames erupt from the hob, then change colour, then go out. They're also arguing, something about how we need this temperature, so this colour, no we need it to not burn out the emitters, dude there's no point if we can't actually cook the thing anyway?! Etc, going around in circles a bit.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett gives them a dubious look. Raises an eyebrow at Not-Ali.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali crosses his arms.<br />
<br />
The two don't seem to notice, and continue arguing and fighting over the dial for an entire two more lines and four more bursts of flames before one of them makes an especially pretty purple fwoosh that sets the other one on fire.<br />
<br />
The not-on-fire one screams and flails a bit, before running away.<br />
<br />
The on-fire one falls over, but completely neglects to actually roll around on the probably actually somewhat fire-resistant carpets. Normal wool is surprisingly fire-resistant, turns out. Bantha wool might be positively impervious. At very least the tent doesn't catch fire, whatever the case.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali finally steps forward, grabs the star wars version of a fire blanket (probably just a fire blanket, come on, you can make them out of just about whatever as long as it's gapless and has a relatively high ignition point) off a random post, and throws it over the on-fire person. Wraps them up a bit in a sort of twisting motion and fwips it back off.<br />
<br />
Just like that, fire's out, situation resolved.<br />
<br />
The stove makes a weird noise, so Not-Ali turns it off fully.<br />
<br />
"Seriously?" Boba Fett says, decidedly unimpressed by all this, on several levels.<br />
<br />
The other bickerer, now hiding behind something, peeks around the side of it. Pulls back abruptly when spotted.<br />
<br />
"I have no words," Not-Ali says. Shakes his head in utter disappointment, or something.<br />
<br />
"You mean besides those?" Boba Fett also steps over to take a look. Admits, "Not that I have any idea what to make of this either, but I don't really know what to make of any of this anyway."<br />
<br />
"Ashk-osk," Not-Ali commands. Jerks his head in a come-here motion as the other bickerer peers around at them again.<br />
<br />
Ashk-osk, apparently, finally emerges trepidatiously, scoots forward, drops to the ground at Not-Ali's feet.<br />
<br />
There's a bit of a pause, as if even Not-Ali wasn't actually expecting that. Then he just sighs. Asks them both, "Did Torishk Abernthadsol not tell you ''precisely'' what temperature you need?"<br />
<br />
The pair look at eat other (or at very least point their masks at each other), before the slightly-singed one admits, "Well... yes?"<br />
<br />
The other one also looks up and nods, after a slight further delay.<br />
<br />
"So what exactly is the problem?" Not-Ali asks.<br />
<br />
"Well..." the singed one starts. Trails off. Points his (?) mask at the other one.<br />
<br />
"The stove doesn't do that temperature?" Askh-osk says.<br />
<br />
"Do other stoves?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
"Uh..." Ashk-osk says. The two exchange looks again, and then, in perfect unison, flee out of the tent, running right past our actually maybe important characters.<br />
<br />
"...what," Boba Fett says.<br />
<br />
"Some people are idiots," Not-Ali replies. Waggles his head. "It's a fact of life."<br />
<br />
;TITLE SCREEEEEEN?! OOOO BACKSTORY<br />
<br />
They wind up talking to some sort of Important Person further in, who seems to be some sort of secretary records keeper, or possibly the shaman guiding the entire tribe, or maybe some random granny or something, who gives them the sweeping grand backstory.<br />
<br />
It's an epic tale, complete with custom animation, depicting the origins of the tribe, their floating turtle-crawlers eating their way across the surface of the misting, churning, blinding oceans, and an infestation of totally-not-slugs that kept getting into their beer. They fought the slugs with weapons, with space swords and sticks shaped like blasters (the sticks being giant slugs too at this point might be a bit much), to no avail. They fought the slugs with poison, and near poisoned themselves more than the actual slugs (and maybe their slug-guns?). They fought the slugs with fire, and the slugs just became flaming slugs, not even bothered, still getting into their beer!<br />
<br />
So the tribe had to take drastic measures. They broke away from the other tribes, and set out alone in search of aid, or answers, or something. Something to use as slug repellent that actually worked, maybe? They encountered monsters, sirens, storms, the tribe's then-shaman-leader's mum, now giant and half-mum, half-kraken, and possibly not even the correct halves. Through it all they prevailed, or at least mostly survived, since they did at least still have some beer even if the slugs were eating a good half of it, and they weren't exactly helpless considering their floating turtle crawler was absolutely covered in giant guns... that may or may not have just been giant logs (or slugs) shaped like artillery, it's not entirely clear. Literally, the art style isn't the clearest.<br />
<br />
Until at last, at long, long last, they came to the Quantum Island, said to be spotted once in every man's lifespan, only to disappear the moment they look away.<br />
<br />
Only now, they all saw it. And they all stared at it. Did their utmost to not look away. Some blinked, but so long as others did not, it was okay, and so they coordinated their blinking! Until they could dock, a procedure that consisted of the crawler taking a giant chomp out of the island, eating approximately half of it in one bite.<br />
<br />
The bravest warriors disembarked, staring absolutely intently all the while, bug-eyed (the masks came later). Searched the island, under every rock, every bit of washed up weeds. Behind the single tree approximately eight different times.<br />
<br />
And that's where they found the lizard. Which promptly jumped up someone's nose and told him how to fix the problem: just dump all the beer from the affected vats, clean them out completely in the ocean, and get a new starter off another tribe. Dude.<br />
<br />
And so, armed with this new information, they headed back. Returned to the other tribes, did as the lizard said.<br />
<br />
And all was well.<br />
<br />
This whole tale takes maybe five minutes to tell, and ends with a pithy, "See? Totally reasonable."<br />
<br />
Boba Fett winces. Shakes his head. Says, "Yeah. No. I'm going."<br />
<br />
''"But now you know,"'' the horrible everywhere voice says, as he turns to leave.<br />
<br />
"No!" he shouts at it, not even stopping as he heads for the exit.<br />
<br />
The lizard jumps out of his nose, hits the floor with an entirely too wet-sounding splat, especially considering the ground is probably carpets, which really aren't that conducive to splats.<br />
<br />
Finally Boba Fett stops. Stares at it.<br />
<br />
The lizard doesn't move.<br />
<br />
He stares at it some more.<br />
<br />
"Yup," the shaman granny secretary says, going back to whatever she was doing before they'd shown up.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali comes around. Looks at the lizard. Looks at Boba Fett. Tilts his head enquiringly.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett pokes it with his stick.<br />
<br />
Immediately the lizard perks up and scuttles away. Dives into a bunch of random junk, and disappears.<br />
<br />
"It's real," Not-Ali says. "Welcome to the tribe." Pauses. Adds, with a slight shrug, "If you want."<br />
<br />
Boba Fett tries to speak. Sputters. Throws up his hands and gesticulates a bit. Finally just lets out a long, sad whimper, the desperation at this point written clearly across his face. Not even diagonally. Just straight across.<br />
<br />
"You can leave," Not-Ali goes on. "Wander on, see the sights. Find other civilisation if you want. Even go off-world if that's where you'd rather be. There's..." he trails off with a long sigh. "Options. Not really sure why more people don't take them."<br />
<br />
"Well... what about you?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali shrugs. "This is what I know. And I'm good at it. Damn good."<br />
<br />
"Eh?"<br />
<br />
"Damn good," Not-Ali repeats.<br />
<br />
"At what, exactly?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali just turns to leave, but indicates with his head to come with.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Outside the tent once more, Not-Ali points in a seemingly random direction, and declares, "THIS."<br />
<br />
"Uh huh," Boba Fett says. "Okay."<br />
<br />
One of the old drunk porch farts shouts at them, "Hey, when ya gonna check out that construction out by back by way?" Waves a particularly fumy melon at them for emphasis, while Not-Ali just turns slowly to face him. Shouts as a followup, "You should totally check out that construction and tell us aaaaaall abouts it!"<br />
<br />
Not-Ali shifts his stance. Takes a deep, huge breath. Begins, initially quietly, "For the 87th time." Pauses for an even deeper breath, and bellows back his actual retort, like an angry foghorn: "I DON'T CARE!"<br />
<br />
The settlement goes silent, still. For a moment, the sheer loudness and its after-effects put a pause to everything all around. Then a bantha falls over, and sound resumes. Life goes on.<br />
<br />
The old fart grumbles, but pretty obviously intentionally still loudly enough for them to still hear it, "Well if you're gonna be like that about it..."<br />
<br />
"Yes!" Not-Ali barks back, still loudly, but at least not as. Quieter like a more normal, less violent sort of horn. "Yes I am."<br />
<br />
Which is amusing and all, but at some point, presumeably some actual plot should happen? Perhaps not. What even is anyone after here, anyway? It never really was clear.<br />
<br />
Seriously, I'm not gonna make up an entire plot for a silly TV show that shouldn't even exist. I got dumber plots to make up. Also this might be the episode anyway. Insert some sort of teaser here I guess.<br />
<br />
[[Category:Wat]]<br />
[[Category:Star Wars]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=In_the_Desert&diff=4716In the Desert2024-01-11T23:07:37Z<p>Apheori: lololol</p>
<hr />
<div>''Initiate distraction. Commence getting sidetracked.<br />
<br />
''Let's wander off entirely for a moment, shall we? Remember that show that really shouldn't have just been 'boba fett' anyway, since it wasn't? 'The Book of Boba Fett'? What in all the worlds were they even going for with that title? How very strange. How very limiting.<br />
<br />
''No, let's try that one again. It needs to be bigger than that. Wider. Fuller. No end in sight, not right here. Don't bake it right into the very beginning. Really? Let's call it '''"In The Desert"''', because we're boring and most of the other references would make even less sense. Whatever else goes on, the main character's bantha must go forever nameless. It's probably more than one bantha anyway. Slip up, and we can fob it off to some other recurring character's bantha if need be, too. No names, kids. No names.<br />
<br />
''It should open like Digger, or Fear and Loathing, or something else equally as insane, to really set the scene. It should tell the story as coherently as such a thing can be told: one general thread at a time. The man is in the desert. He's lost, or maybe not. But he has, at very least, lost track of himself. He doesn't know where he is anymore, we don't know either, and so we get to know him as something more than a suit of armour that he promptly loses anyway, and as he also figures any of this whatsoever out himself. He wanders on in a hazy delirium, seemingly after something or nothing at all, facing the trials of the desert in the manner that those completely out of their minds on drugs might anywhere. Some of it may be real, some hallucinations, some straight up previews of possible scenes from later in the series (and no need to stick to how he handled it here later; presumably he'll be more sober for the real thing).<br />
<br />
''Set the scene. Hint at how very strange the deserts of this throwaway world might be, as all are, if you only stop to really look, and listen, and get a lizard up your nose. Only from there can you properly move on to the sheer hatred, for instance, that most of the sand people have for sand.<br />
<br />
<br />
== Episode 1: Oh look, it's Boba Fett ==<br />
<br />
The time scale is unclear, not that it matters. The strange, wounded man wanders the desert, and weird shit happens. He's been here forever, or not. He meets people, things, rocks. Some are real, some are not. Open up, perhaps, with a shoot-out with a bunch of jawa-mounted banthas. The banthas are all floating a bit above the jawas for some reason, possibly just because otherwise the jawas wouldn't even be visible. He dodges their fire quite skilfully, though it turns out to be rocks. Shoots back, takes them out, one after another after another. They also turn out to be rocks, but much larger rocks. And yet more rocks continue to fly at him, because the sandstorm is still approaching.<br />
<br />
He has no armour at this point, just a sand-encrusted jumpsuit and a blaster-shaped stick. Does the stick actually work as a blaster? It might. It sure seems to, at least. He has no other supplies at all, however. No water, no food, no shovel, no shelter. Nothing to protect against the sandstorm, either. So he does what any drugged-out man with a stick would do: challenges the sandstorm to dare steal his shoes?!<br />
<br />
He actually might be wearing shoes. Nevermind that.<br />
<br />
It knocks him over, and he burrows into his shirt, blindly shaking the stick at the storm regardless, firing wildly.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
The storm passes, leaving behind a landscape of softened edges and snow-like accumulation. Of the man there is no sign, until he erupts forth from the sand zombie-style, true to the motions all the way through. It's night. The stars are like an ocean, dizzyingly deep. He shakes a stiffened fist and demands in a hoarse voice that they tell him what he's doing there. Who even is he? Who are you? Why am I asking you?! You're just stars! You can't even hear me!<br />
<br />
And then a voice answers, strange and terrible and everywhere: ''"You're still looking for a job, so stop getting distracted."''<br />
<br />
He reels at this. He has no idea what it's talking about, or what it is, or anything about it at all. He should be terrified. He's not. He makes an animalistic snarl, indignant-like, regaining his posture. Growls back, "I have a job!"<br />
<br />
The voice doesn't miss a beat. Answers, in awful enormity, ''"But you're not doing it."''<br />
<br />
"Oh, fuck off," he tells it, except in a more family-friendly way. Mutters something about jawas selling him defective lizards.<br />
<br />
Stops.<br />
<br />
Remembers.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Flashback to him trading with a bunch of jawas. He's in his trademark armour, except it's absolutely covered in slime, and surrounded by a cloud of fumes. He's haggling, in jawa. Does he even know jawa? He does in the flashback. It's unclear how accurate any of this is, as the colours are all wrong and the other jawas in the background sometimes randomly start floating and doing loop-de-loops before settling back down and resuming whatever they were doing. At one point we see a bunch of completely unrelated muppets doing a whole jizzy gig in the background. They're not there at all a moment later.<br />
<br />
It's a frustrating trade. They don't have what he's after. It's not clear what he's after anyway, since it's all in jawa, and he possibly doesn't remember now either. They pull out a bunch of other options. Half a broken droid. Half a working droid (it complains about being not even beside itself anymore). A sack of stinky fish. The engine from a speeder. A pile of guns important to some scene several episodes later. A tiny basket with a lizard.<br />
<br />
He trades his armour for the lizard. His blaster is already a stick, so no need to do anything with that.<br />
<br />
The lizard jumps up his nose, wiggles in, disappears entirely. He struggles, falls over. Stops.<br />
<br />
The voice says, from everywhere and nowhere at once, ''"Hi there,"'' even as all the world around shimmers, wavers, swirls into exquisitely coloured dust.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Jump back to the present, or whatever this is, and some more setting-appropriate cursing, which quickly deteriorates into incoherent babble, and then somehow reforms itself into some sort of mangled song as he starts running across the dunes.<br />
<br />
At some point he dives for cover. A moment later, flying beasts swarm through the air, chirping and twittering. He peers out from behind his cover, before pulling back, scrunching up further. "Need to stay focused," he tells himself. "Not here for the bats, the bats aren't it."<br />
<br />
After a bit the bats clear out. He stands up, looks around. The stars are gone. The sky is swimming in lurid hues of every colour imaginable, pulsing, throbbing, doing its very utmost to make everyone very ill, or something.<br />
<br />
"No!" he tells it. "You're not it either!" Shoots at the horrible lurid sky. Crouches down and shuffles away. Spies some plant-like shoots poking out from some craggy rocks, follows the rocks down, more plant things. Looks around suspiciously, before dropping down fully to the ground. Uses his stick to dig up a weird melon. Pops the top like a can of soda, and the fumes that emerge waver and shift, almost as if with a life of their own, as if trying to form some particular sort of shape.<br />
<br />
He waves the fumes away, then drinks the innards. Glares at the now-empty melon-thing, and informs it, "I don't like you." Nonchalantly stands up and hucks the shell away over his shoulder.<br />
<br />
Comes face to face with an oddly-specific figure, who asks him, "What if I don't like you either?"<br />
<br />
"I don't need you to like me," he answers. "Either work with me, or stay out of my way."<br />
<br />
The figure smirks. Turns to dust on the wind.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
It's night again, or maybe still. He's holding another melon, standing atop a huge towering butte, staring off into the abyssal sea of stars above as the sand blows across itself below into a blurred, insignificant horizon between.<br />
<br />
He drinks the contents, throws the shell over the edge, and it disappears into the distance.<br />
<br />
He blinks. Looks around. Asks, "How did I even get up here?"<br />
<br />
Adds, after a moment, and with a great deal of consternation, "Also ''why?''"<br />
<br />
''"Didn't you want to see the sea?"'' the voice asks.<br />
<br />
"I could have seen it just fine from down there!" he points out. He sighs. Turns around. Looks for a way down. Digs up a couple more melons for the road on the way. Winds up having to fight off some local wildlife, which seemed to be under the bizarre and very unfortunate (for them) impression that drug-man-with-blaster-stick is prey.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
It's day. He's sitting in the shade of some canyon thing. Sips his melon, tries to ignore all the chanting from above. Whatever they're doing, he doesn't like it. But it's also above him.<br />
<br />
Absentmindedly picks off some dried slime from his jumpsuit. His eyes water at the fumes. He coughs, falls over.<br />
<br />
Watches, in horror, as huge slabs of dried slime jiggle their way out of the dirt, wiggle their way out of the cracks in the cliffs, jitter their way through the air, and slam together with a weird snicketty shrieking sound each time another piece joins the whole, coalescing into a huge, giant, sandy, slimey, fluttering figure of... himself? But in armour. With maybe an actual blaster. Definitely a jetpack.<br />
<br />
It jetpacks away, up, out.<br />
<br />
He jetpacks out of the sarlaac, having finally remembered how to use it, through the thick, corrosive, mind-numbing fumes, muttering about its ears, gotta stop them, gotta snip them, all the ears, it's the ears in the tendrils, ears, all ears, ears. He travels quite a ways, past an actual city or two and totally oblivious of all the gorgeous desert panoramas besides, before finally running out of fuel. Falls out of the sky still muttering, and also twitching a bit. Ragdolls on impact, still completely oblivious as he continues to roll down the dune.<br />
<br />
Comes to a stop. Mutters something about happy nappy. Pats the ground securely, and stills.<br />
<br />
Strange insectoid blobs show up, bubbling and blurring, their shapes ever changing, right at home with the rest of the world all around them. They crackle and hiss like flames amongst each other. He tenses, not sure what to do, not sure how. They're so big, so wrong. Maybe they'll pass by if he just pretends he's dead?<br />
<br />
Nope. They cluster around, crackling, spitting. Poking. They try to take his armour. He leaps into action, swats at them with his not-quite-yet-stick, whirling and twirling. Howls that it's the ears, gotta snip the ears. The ears! Runs at them insistently as they scatter and flee, and chases after a bit, still shouting.<br />
<br />
The shapes start to settle a bit as they get away, much smaller than they'd initially looked. Also hairy. He stops before actually catching any, so they never do quite fully turn jawa just yet.<br />
<br />
He would be making so many crazy faces at this point, except we can't even see a one, because he still has his helmet on. Gotta settle for some rather inhuman sounds instead, perhaps.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Return to the present. We can see his face now, as he remembers, puts two and two together. Mostly he just looks vaguely uncomfortable. Not quite sure what to do with this information. Not quite sure it matters?<br />
<br />
Eyes his empty melon. Gives it a shake, waves it around a bit. Gets some residual fumes to emerge.<br />
<br />
They're awfully similar to the sarlaac fumes.<br />
<br />
''"Now he gets it,"'' the voice says, huge and everywhere and awful.<br />
<br />
"You're a hallucination," he tells the voice.<br />
<br />
''"Obviously,"'' it replies.<br />
<br />
"So why couldn't you be less awful?" he asks.<br />
<br />
It doesn't answer.<br />
<br />
He rolls his eyes. Tries again, "It's all hallucinations?"<br />
<br />
''"Only mostly,"'' it tells him. ''"Can't be too distracting, lest the desert seas never survive themselves."''<br />
<br />
"Am I even really here at all?" he asks.<br />
<br />
''"What is here? Here is what?"''<br />
<br />
He winces, pinches his eyes. Just gives up entirely and wanders off.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Maybe other stuff happens. Maybe not. Do we care? This probably covers most of the important bits, at least. The rest would just be further filler. Teasers. Stuff thrown in to see what people turn into memes already, hopefully, because that'll be the stuff to focus on, of course, if you definitely don't understand the lifecycle of memes.<br />
<br />
In the end, he's mostly sober, adjusted to this whole mess, just getting some continued vague weirdness from the melons. Maybe he's even starting to question if his stick really is anything more than a stick. Presumably some dramatic climactic reveal that this is definitely actually Boba Fett, complete with gratuitous namedropping, has finally occurred.<br />
<br />
;OBLIGATORY TITLE SCREEN AT THIS REVEAL, EVEN IF IT'S ALMOST THE END OF THE TIMESLOT ALREADY<br />
<br />
It's day, the suns beating down overhead. He's sitting by a marker, one of those tapering stacks of stones, indicating the way in the middle of a great flat vastness of rippling heat and nothing much but. In this case, the way is some of those unreal plant shoots, as if only painted badly on in post, and under them, more of those infernal melons to dig up like some sort of joke replacement for a well. He's drinking one, resigned to it, maybe even coming to savour it. Why not. It's all there is. He has no choice.<br />
<br />
A figure appears on the horizon. Rides up very, very, very slowly, because banthas are very, very, very slow, apparently.<br />
<br />
The guy just watches, disinterested. His stick is beside him, but he doesn't reach for it. Not yet. Plus the figure apparently also has a stick, but with mounted advantage. Typical.<br />
<br />
So he sits, watches, as the figure continues to approach, finally starting to actually look like someone on a bantha. Definitely has a stick.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett sighs.<br />
<br />
Finally, after a long, long, long approach, the figure arrives. Dismounts. It's a sandperson, but only one. Comes around, points the stick at Boba Fett.<br />
<br />
Turns out he's a bit beyond actually caring at this point, and just watches the sandperson impassively, waiting still. Daring the newcomer to either follow through or fuck off.<br />
<br />
The sandperson stands in deliberation, stick pointed quite certainly straight at sitting man's chest.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett doesn't even really react at all.<br />
<br />
''"He knows, same as you do,"'' the terrible everywhere nowhere voice says. ''"He knows."''<br />
<br />
"I don't," Boba Fett says. "So unless he can actually explain any of this, I am ''not'' interested."<br />
<br />
The sandperson rocks his head, seems to consider. Notes our madman's stick in turn, before finally lowering his own. Answers, in a language that definitely shouldn't be perfectly intelligible, but somehow totally is, "I can. Ride with me."<br />
<br />
<br />
== Episode 2: Well, that's a backstory, maybe ==<br />
<br />
Open on a stereotypical adventuretown settlement, desert edition. Star Wars bedouins, aka sand people, doing star wars bedouin non-raiding things, because why the hell would you even be going a viking ''all'' the time?! Obviously they do normal stuff too, somewhere, probably. Like at very least throw a moot and get high on concentrated melons or something maybe? But also come on, even if you know nothing about the culture you're aiming to stereotype, at least pull from something functionally similar. They're all pretty weird regardless, it's just different flavours.<br />
<br />
In this case, normal stuff at the moment seems to mostly consist of a couple of arguments amongst each other (possibly folks seated in something rocking-chair-like somewhere porchlike, drinking concentrated melons all day long like the proper old farts that they are), as well as some random pantsless tiny children running around screaming, with some sort of parental figure shouting at a pair of them in particular, and then a shoe flying at one of those, clonking that one on the head.<br />
<br />
Notably, this particular pair of pantsless tiny children appear, for whatever reason, to be twi'leks, making the pantlessness that tiny children the worlds over seem to be prone to all the more ironic. Never even mind how uncomfortable pants actually are in a hot desert, consider how most gamers seem to want to play twi'leks in MMOs. But nope, in this case, it's just typical tiny undergrown idiots being typical tiny undergrown idiots. Ensue obligatory pantslessness.<br />
<br />
Another shoe flies after them before we move on from this semi-pointless scene-setting.<br />
<br />
It may be of note that these sand people are, while still recognisably sand people somewhat, overall dressed and masked in a fashion rather different from previous portrayals. This isn't to break convention, however, so much as just to maybe possibly start to set things up to distinguish between different tribes, especially when we might possibly be on totally the other side of the planet from others previously seen on TV anyway (who we'll definitely obviously encounter later). Planets are big, yo. They're big.<br />
<br />
All of that probably sails over our viewers' heads regardless, and our two riders - the not-actually-titular Boba Fett and the for now still unnamed, masked-only fella who just randomly showed up out of nowhere and we're absolutely not calling Sherif Ali - finally dismount from the incredibly slow-moving bantha that has, thus far, allowed us in its slowness to still somehow fail to appreciate all the worldbuilding smashed into this random desert settlement.<br />
<br />
It's a little comical, really, considering the sheer size of the thing. They basically each drop down like overweight cats. The only thing missing is the loud thonks.<br />
<br />
They go into a tent. Inside are two sandpeople in even differenter garb, fighting over what may or may not be the dial on what may or may not be some sort of portable stove. Flames erupt from the hob, then change colour, then go out. They're also arguing, something about how we need this temperature, so this colour, no we need it to not burn out the emitters, dude there's no point if we can't actually cook the thing anyway?! Etc, going around in circles a bit.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett gives them a dubious look. Raises an eyebrow at Not-Ali.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali crosses his arms.<br />
<br />
The two don't seem to notice, and continue arguing and fighting over the dial for an entire two more lines and four more bursts of flames before one of them makes an especially pretty purple fwoosh that sets the other one on fire.<br />
<br />
The not-on-fire one screams and flails a bit, before running away.<br />
<br />
The on-fire one falls over, but completely neglects to actually roll around on the probably actually somewhat fire-resistant carpets. Normal wool is surprisingly fire-resistant, turns out. Bantha wool might be positively impervious. At very least the tent doesn't catch fire, whatever the case.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali finally steps forward, grabs the star wars version of a fire blanket (probably just a fire blanket, come on, you can make them out of just about whatever as long as it's gapless and has a relatively high ignition point) off a random post, and throws it over the on-fire person. Wraps them up a bit in a sort of twisting motion and fwips it back off.<br />
<br />
Just like that, fire's out, situation resolved.<br />
<br />
The stove makes a weird noise, so Not-Ali turns it off fully.<br />
<br />
"Seriously?" Boba Fett says, decidedly unimpressed by all this, on several levels.<br />
<br />
The other bickerer, now hiding behind something, peeks around the side of it. Pulls back abruptly when spotted.<br />
<br />
"I have no words," Not-Ali says. Shakes his head in utter disappointment, or something.<br />
<br />
"You mean besides those?" Boba Fett also steps over to take a look. Admits, "Not that I have any idea what to make of this either, but I don't really know what to make of any of this anyway."<br />
<br />
"Ashk-osk," Not-Ali commands. Jerks his head in a come-here motion as the other bickerer peers around at them again.<br />
<br />
Ashk-osk, apparently, finally emerges trepidatiously, scoots forward, drops to the ground at Not-Ali's feet.<br />
<br />
There's a bit of a pause, as if even Not-Ali wasn't actually expecting that. Then he just sighs. Asks them both, "Did Torishk Abernthadsol not tell you ''precisely'' what temperature you need?"<br />
<br />
The pair look at eat other (or at very least point their masks at each other), before the slightly-singed one admits, "Well... yes?"<br />
<br />
The other one also looks up and nods, after a slight further delay.<br />
<br />
"So what exactly is the problem?" Not-Ali asks.<br />
<br />
"Well..." the singed one starts. Trails off. Points his (?) mask at the other one.<br />
<br />
"The stove doesn't do that temperature?" Askh-osk says.<br />
<br />
"Do other stoves?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
"Uh..." Ashk-osk says. The two exchange looks again, and then, in perfect unison, flee out of the tent, running right past our actually maybe important characters.<br />
<br />
"...what," Boba Fett says.<br />
<br />
"Some people are idiots," Not-Ali replies. Waggles his head. "It's a fact of life."<br />
<br />
;TITLE SCREEEEEEN?! OOOO BACKSTORY<br />
<br />
They wind up talking to some sort of Important Person further in, who seems to be some sort of secretary records keeper, or possibly the shaman guiding the entire tribe, or maybe some random granny or something, who gives them the sweeping grand backstory.<br />
<br />
It's an epic tale, complete with custom animation, depicting the origins of the tribe, their floating turtle-crawlers eating their way across the surface of the misting, churning, blinding oceans, and an infestation of totally-not-slugs that kept getting into their beer. They fought the slugs with weapons, with space swords and sticks shaped like blasters (the sticks being giant slugs too at this point might be a bit much), to no avail. They fought the slugs with poison, and near poisoned themselves more than the actual slugs (and maybe their slug-guns?). They fought the slugs with fire, and the slugs just became flaming slugs, not even bothered, still getting into their beer!<br />
<br />
So the tribe had to take drastic measures. They broke away from the other tribes, and set out alone in search of aid, or answers, or something. Something to use as slug repellent that actually worked, maybe? They encountered monsters, sirens, storms, the tribe's then-shaman-leader's mum, now giant and half-mum, half-kraken, and possibly not even the correct halves. Through it all they prevailed, or at least mostly survived, since they did at least still have some beer even if the slugs were eating a good half of it, and they weren't exactly helpless considering their floating turtle crawler was absolutely covered in giant guns... that may or may not have just been giant logs (or slugs) shaped like artillery, it's not entirely clear. Literally, the art style isn't the clearest.<br />
<br />
Until at last, at long, long last, they came to the Quantum Island, said to be spotted once in every man's lifespan, only to disappear the moment they look away.<br />
<br />
Only now, they all saw it. And they all stared at it. Did their utmost to not look away. Some blinked, but so long as others did not, it was okay, and so they coordinated their blinking! Until they could dock, a procedure that consisted of the crawler taking a giant chomp out of the island, eating approximately half of it in one bite.<br />
<br />
The bravest warriors disembarked, staring absolutely intently all the while, bug-eyed (the masks came later). Searched the island, under every rock, every bit of washed up weeds. Behind the single tree approximately eight different times.<br />
<br />
And that's where they found the lizard. Which promptly jumped up someone's nose and told him how to fix the problem: just dump all the beer from the affected vats, clean them out completely in the ocean, and get a new starter off another tribe. Dude.<br />
<br />
And so, armed with this new information, they headed back. Returned to the other tribes, did as the lizard said.<br />
<br />
And all was well.<br />
<br />
This whole tale takes maybe five minutes to tell, and ends with a pithy, "See? Totally reasonable."<br />
<br />
Boba Fett winces. Shakes his head. Says, "Yeah. No. I'm going."<br />
<br />
''"But now you know,"'' the horrible everywhere voice says, as he turns to leave.<br />
<br />
"No!" he shouts at it, not even stopping as he heads for the exit.<br />
<br />
The lizard jumps out of his nose, hits the floor with an entirely too wet-sounding splat, especially considering the ground is probably carpets, which really aren't that conducive to splats.<br />
<br />
Finally Boba Fett stops. Stares at it.<br />
<br />
The lizard doesn't move.<br />
<br />
He stares at it some more.<br />
<br />
"Yup," the shaman granny secretary says, going back to whatever she was doing before they'd shown up.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali comes around. Looks at the lizard. Looks at Boba Fett. Tilts his head enquiringly.<br />
<br />
Boba Fett pokes it with his stick.<br />
<br />
Immediately the lizard perks up and scuttles away. Dives into a bunch of random junk, and disappears.<br />
<br />
"It's real," Not-Ali says. "Welcome to the tribe." Pauses. Adds, with a slight shrug, "If you want."<br />
<br />
Boba Fett tries to speak. Sputters. Throws up his hands and gesticulates a bit. Finally just lets out a long, sad whimper, the desperation at this point written clearly across his face. Not even diagonally. Just straight across.<br />
<br />
"You can leave," Not-Ali goes on. "Wander on, see the sights. Find other civilisation if you want. Even go off-world if that's where you'd rather be. There's..." he trails off with a long sigh. "Options. Not really sure why more people don't take them."<br />
<br />
"Well... what about you?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali shrugs. "This is what I know. And I'm good at it. Damn good."<br />
<br />
"Eh?"<br />
<br />
"Damn good," Not-Ali repeats.<br />
<br />
"At what, exactly?" Boba Fett asks.<br />
<br />
Not-Ali just turns to leave, but indicates with his head to come with.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Outside the tent once more, Not-Ali points in a seemingly random direction, and declares, "THIS."<br />
<br />
"Uh huh," Boba Fett says. "Okay."<br />
<br />
One of the old drunk porch farts shouts at them, "Hey, when ya gonna check out that construction out by back by way?" Waves a particularly fumy melon at them for emphasis, while Not-Ali just turns slowly to face him. Shouts as a followup, "You should totally check out that construction and tell us aaaaaall abouts it!"<br />
<br />
Not-Ali shifts his stance. Takes a deep, huge breath. Begins, initially quietly, "For the 87th time." Pauses for an even deeper breath, and bellows back his actual retort, like an angry foghorn: "I DON'T CARE!"<br />
<br />
The settlement goes silent, still. For a moment, the sheer loudness and its after-effects put a pause to everything all around. Then a bantha falls over, and sound resumes. Life goes on.<br />
<br />
The old fart grumbles, but pretty obviously intentionally still loudly enough for them to still hear it, "Well if you're gonna be like that about it..."<br />
<br />
"Yes!" Not-Ali barks back, still loudly, but at least not as. Quieter like a more normal, less violent sort of horn. "Yes I am."<br />
<br />
Which is amusing and all, but at some point, presumeably some actual plot should happen? Perhaps not. What even is anyone after here, anyway? It never really was clear.<br />
<br />
Seriously, I'm not gonna make up an entire plot for a silly TV show that shouldn't even exist. I got dumber plots to make up. Also this might be the episode anyway. Insert some sort of teaser here I guess.<br />
<br />
[[Category:Wat]]<br />
[[Category:Star Wars]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Food_clod&diff=4715Recipes/Food clod2023-06-28T16:41:29Z<p>Apheori: </p>
<hr />
<div>Technically made of food, surprisingly tasty, and fairly simple to just swallow whole... but seriously go see a doctor if you actually need this.<br />
<br />
=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
* 1 heaping glob of peanut butter<br />
* 1 large sworl of marshmallow creme<br />
* Psyllium husks (optional)<br />
<br />
=== Instructions ===<br />
<br />
Mix peanut butter and marshmallow creme at ~1:1 ratio (and however much extra fiber you feel like) until mixture forms a clod and no longer sticks to sides of the bowl.<br />
<br />
Consume, and wonder where your life went so wrong.<br />
<br />
Notes:<br />
* Does not provide sufficient nutrients for long-term sustenance. Obviously.<br />
* Peanut butter's greasiness and marshmallow's sugariness ''mostly'' cancel out each others respective stickiness.<br />
* Substituting out peanut butter for random other legume/nut butters works fine. Swapping out marshmallow creme for honey absolutely does not.<br />
* Can be smashed between two slices of bread to form a fluffernutter sandwich, but if you can eat bread you probably don't need a food clod, now do you?<br />
<br />
[[category:recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Food_clod&diff=4714Recipes/Food clod2023-06-28T16:37:14Z<p>Apheori: FOOD CLOD</p>
<hr />
<div>Technically made of food, surprisingly tasty, but seriously go see a doctor if you actually need this.<br />
<br />
=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
* 1 heaping glob of peanut butter<br />
* 1 large sworl of marshmallow creme<br />
* Psyllium husks (optional)<br />
<br />
=== Instructions ===<br />
<br />
Mix peanut butter and marshmallow creme at ~1:1 ratio (and however much extra fiber you feel like) until mixture forms a clod and no longer sticks to sides of the bowl.<br />
<br />
Consume, and wonder where your life went so wrong.<br />
<br />
Notes:<br />
* Does not provide sufficient nutrients for long-term sustenance. Obviously.<br />
* Peanut butter's greasiness and marshmallow's sugariness ''mostly'' cancel out each others respective stickiness.<br />
* Substituting out peanut butter for random other legume/nut butters works fine. Swapping out marshmallow creme for honey absolutely does not.<br />
* Can be smashed between two slices of bread to form a fluffernutter sandwich, but if you can eat bread you probably don't need a food clod, now do you?<br />
<br />
[[category:recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Lemon_squares&diff=4713Recipes/Lemon squares2023-06-28T16:05:25Z<p>Apheori: /* NOTES */</p>
<hr />
<div>=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
* 2 cups all purpose flour<br />
* 1 cup butter<br />
* 0.5 cups powdered sugar<br />
<br />
<br />
* 4 eggs<br />
* 2 cups sugar<br />
* 1 teaspoon baking powder<br />
* 0.5 teaspoon salt<br />
* 0.25 cups teaspoons lemon juice<br />
* 1 teaspoon lemon zest<br />
<br />
=== Directions ===<br />
<br />
Heat oven to 350F. Mix thoroughly flour, butter, and powdered sugar. Press into ungreased baking pan, 9x13x2 inches, building up a 0.5 inch edge.<br />
<br />
Bake 20 minutes.<br />
<br />
Beat remaining ingredients about 3 minutes until light and fluffy. Pour over hot crust. Bake about 35 minutes longer (25 for half batch), or just until no imprint remains when touched lightly in centre. Cool and cut into squares.<br />
<br />
== NOTES ==<br />
<br />
# Original amount of 5 tsp lemon juice is not enough; may have been a transcription error. 1 cup lemon juice is too much. Still not tested, but a quarter to a half cup for a full batch is probably about right.<br />
# Make sure lemon juice hasn't gone bad, and/or lemons used have any flavour to begin with. Maybe make some test lemonade?<br />
# More than 2 tbsp lemon zest may be a bit much, but generally the more the better.<br />
# When using fresh lemons, seems to take about two for a full batch.<br />
# Base falls apart a lot, might be worth adding something (egg?) to bind it more. Filling tends to be really sticky, might be worth adding something (butter?) to mellow it out.<br />
<br />
[[category:Recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Lemon_squares&diff=4712Recipes/Lemon squares2023-06-28T16:03:21Z<p>Apheori: </p>
<hr />
<div>=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
* 2 cups all purpose flour<br />
* 1 cup butter<br />
* 0.5 cups powdered sugar<br />
<br />
<br />
* 4 eggs<br />
* 2 cups sugar<br />
* 1 teaspoon baking powder<br />
* 0.5 teaspoon salt<br />
* 0.25 cups teaspoons lemon juice<br />
* 1 teaspoon lemon zest<br />
<br />
=== Directions ===<br />
<br />
Heat oven to 350F. Mix thoroughly flour, butter, and powdered sugar. Press into ungreased baking pan, 9x13x2 inches, building up a 0.5 inch edge.<br />
<br />
Bake 20 minutes.<br />
<br />
Beat remaining ingredients about 3 minutes until light and fluffy. Pour over hot crust. Bake about 35 minutes longer (25 for half batch), or just until no imprint remains when touched lightly in centre. Cool and cut into squares.<br />
<br />
== NOTES ==<br />
<br />
# Original amount of 5 tsp lemon juice is not enough; may have been a transcription error. 1 cup lemon juice is too much. Still not tested, but a quarter to a half cup for a full batch is probably about right.<br />
# Make sure lemon juice hasn't gone bad, and/or lemons used have any flavour to begin with. Maybe make some test lemonade?<br />
# More than 2 tbsp lemon zest may be a bit much, but generally the more the better.<br />
# When using fresh lemons, seems to take about two for a full batch.<br />
<br />
[[category:Recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Lemon_squares&diff=4711Recipes/Lemon squares2023-01-12T03:45:18Z<p>Apheori: /* NOTES */</p>
<hr />
<div>=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
* 2 cups all purpose flour<br />
* 1 cup butter<br />
* 0.5 cups powdered sugar<br />
<br />
<br />
* 4 eggs<br />
* 2 cups sugar<br />
* 1 teaspoon baking powder<br />
* 0.5 teaspoon salt<br />
* 5 teaspoons lemon juice<br />
* 1 teaspoon lemon zest<br />
<br />
=== Directions ===<br />
<br />
Heat oven to 350F. Mix thoroughly flour, butter, and powdered sugar. Press into ungreased baking pan, 9x13x2 inches, building up a 0.5 inch edge.<br />
<br />
Bake 20 minutes.<br />
<br />
Beat remaining ingredients about 3 minutes until light and fluffy. Pour over hot crust. Bake about 35 minutes longer (25 for half batch), or just until no imprint remains when touched lightly in centre. Cool and cut into squares.<br />
<br />
== NOTES ==<br />
<br />
May need considerably more lemon juice. Keeps coming out insufficiently lemony, so always err on the side of too much, not too little. Maybe go with a quarter cup? Taste before adding eggs, should be properly zesty, literal zest aside...<br />
<br />
Lemon juice may also have gone bad. Check ahead of time for weird/insufficient. Maybe make some test lemonade?!<br />
<br />
[[category:Recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Lemon_squares&diff=4710Recipes/Lemon squares2022-12-29T05:44:41Z<p>Apheori: </p>
<hr />
<div>=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
* 2 cups all purpose flour<br />
* 1 cup butter<br />
* 0.5 cups powdered sugar<br />
<br />
<br />
* 4 eggs<br />
* 2 cups sugar<br />
* 1 teaspoon baking powder<br />
* 0.5 teaspoon salt<br />
* 5 teaspoons lemon juice<br />
* 1 teaspoon lemon zest<br />
<br />
=== Directions ===<br />
<br />
Heat oven to 350F. Mix thoroughly flour, butter, and powdered sugar. Press into ungreased baking pan, 9x13x2 inches, building up a 0.5 inch edge.<br />
<br />
Bake 20 minutes.<br />
<br />
Beat remaining ingredients about 3 minutes until light and fluffy. Pour over hot crust. Bake about 35 minutes longer (25 for half batch), or just until no imprint remains when touched lightly in centre. Cool and cut into squares.<br />
<br />
== NOTES ==<br />
<br />
May need considerably more lemon juice. Keeps coming out insufficiently lemony, so always err on the side of too much, not too little. Maybe go with a quarter cup? Taste before adding eggs, should be properly zesty, literal zest aside...<br />
<br />
Lemon juice may also have gone bad. Check ahead of time for weird.<br />
<br />
[[category:Recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Pumpkin_pie&diff=4709Recipes/Pumpkin pie2022-12-26T00:18:35Z<p>Apheori: /* 10-inch: */</p>
<hr />
<div>== Ingredients ==<br />
<br />
==== 8-inch: ====<br />
<br />
* pastry for 8-inch pie<br />
* 1 egg<br />
* 1.25 cups cooked pumpkin<br />
* 0.66 cups sugar<br />
* 0.25 teaspoon salt<br />
* 0.75 teaspoon cinnamon<br />
* 0.25 teaspoon ginger<br />
* 0.125 teaspoon cloves<br />
* 1.25 cups evaporated milk, coconut milk, or light cream<br />
<br />
==== 9-inch: ==== <br />
<br />
* pastry for 9-inch pie<br />
* 2 eggs<br />
* 2 cups cooked pumpkin (1lb can)<br />
* 0.75 cups sugar<br />
* 0.5 teaspoon salt<br />
* 1 teaspoon cinnamon<br />
* 0.5 teaspoon ginger<br />
* 0.25 teaspoon cloves<br />
* 1.66 cups evaporated milk, coconut milk, or light cream<br />
<br />
==== 10-inch: ====<br />
<br />
* pastry for 10-inch pie<br />
* 3 eggs<br />
* 2.75 cups cooked pumpkin<br />
* 1 cup sugar<br />
* 0.75 teaspoon salt<br />
* 0.5 teaspoon cinnamon<br />
* 0.75 teaspoon ginger<br />
* 0.5 teaspoon cloves<br />
* 2.25 cups evaporated milk, coconut milk, or light cream<br />
<br />
Note: If using rice dream as substitute for milk, use half the amount.<br />
<br />
== Directions ==<br />
<br />
Heat oven to 425F. Prepare pastry.<br />
<br />
Beat eggs slightly; beat in remaining ingredients. Pour into pastry-lined pie pan. Bake 15 minutes.<br />
<br />
Reduce oven temperature to 350F. Bake 8-inch 35 minutes longer; 9-inch 45 minutes longer; 10-inch 55 minutes longer, or until knife inserted into centre comes out clean.<br />
<br />
Cool and douse in many colours of whipped cream.</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Pumpkin_pie&diff=4708Recipes/Pumpkin pie2022-12-26T00:18:17Z<p>Apheori: PIE?!</p>
<hr />
<div>== Ingredients ==<br />
<br />
==== 8-inch: ====<br />
<br />
* pastry for 8-inch pie<br />
* 1 egg<br />
* 1.25 cups cooked pumpkin<br />
* 0.66 cups sugar<br />
* 0.25 teaspoon salt<br />
* 0.75 teaspoon cinnamon<br />
* 0.25 teaspoon ginger<br />
* 0.125 teaspoon cloves<br />
* 1.25 cups evaporated milk, coconut milk, or light cream<br />
<br />
==== 9-inch: ==== <br />
<br />
* pastry for 9-inch pie<br />
* 2 eggs<br />
* 2 cups cooked pumpkin (1lb can)<br />
* 0.75 cups sugar<br />
* 0.5 teaspoon salt<br />
* 1 teaspoon cinnamon<br />
* 0.5 teaspoon ginger<br />
* 0.25 teaspoon cloves<br />
* 1.66 cups evaporated milk, coconut milk, or light cream<br />
<br />
==== 10-inch: ====<br />
<br />
* pastry for 10-inch pie<br />
* 3 eggs<br />
* 2.75 cups cooked pumpkin<br />
* 1 cup sugar<br />
* .75 teaspoon salt<br />
* .5 teaspoon cinnamon<br />
* .75 teaspoon ginger<br />
* .5 teaspoon cloves<br />
* 2.25 cups evaporated milk, coconut milk, or light cream<br />
<br />
Note: If using rice dream as substitute for milk, use half the amount.<br />
<br />
== Directions ==<br />
<br />
Heat oven to 425F. Prepare pastry.<br />
<br />
Beat eggs slightly; beat in remaining ingredients. Pour into pastry-lined pie pan. Bake 15 minutes.<br />
<br />
Reduce oven temperature to 350F. Bake 8-inch 35 minutes longer; 9-inch 45 minutes longer; 10-inch 55 minutes longer, or until knife inserted into centre comes out clean.<br />
<br />
Cool and douse in many colours of whipped cream.</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Cabbage_pot&diff=4707Recipes/Cabbage pot2022-03-02T08:39:33Z<p>Apheori: </p>
<hr />
<div>Cabbage pot!<br />
<br />
<br />
About half a cabbage, 3 onions, some mincemeat (season with garlic, salt, lemon pepper, etc) - fry everything, then layer, bake in thick oven-safe ceramic/clay/cast iron pot<br />
<br />
# chop and fry the cabbage<br />
# chop and fry the onion[s]<br />
# fry and season the grounded meat (salt, lemon pepper, garlic according to your taste)<br />
# put into the pot as layers: cabbage - onion - meat; you can also chop carrots there, too 5) you can also chop in a stock cube and sprinkle food cream on top<br />
# put into oven at 220C for 60 min<br />
<br />
__TOC__<br />
<br />
== Translation? ==<br />
<br />
=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
* about half a large cabbage, or however much has been sitting in the fridge for a month<br />
* three-ish onions of similar colour to the cabbage (or however many of whatever kind looks the closest to expiry)<br />
* some mincemeat, maybe a tube or so, or whatever you accidentally thawed for something else<br />
* garlic (to taste, or however much you can bother mincing)<br />
* salt<br />
* lemon pepper (or ground pepper and some lemon zest, totally the same)<br />
* peppercorns<br />
* balsamic vinegar<br />
<br />
=== Directions ===<br />
<br />
Chop and fry the cabbage until softened or so. Add a splash of balsamic vinegar and some garlic when it's nearing doneness. Chop and fry the onions and some peppercorns until softened and partially caramelised. Add lemon pepper and/or red pepper flakes to taste whenever you remember. Salt to taste.<br />
<br />
Mix mincemeat with more garlic as desired; fry up and brown a bit.<br />
<br />
Layer cabbage, onion, and then meat in a thick ceramic/clay/cast iron pot. Optionally, add carrots, stock, and/or cream on top.<br />
<br />
Cook in oven for an hour at 220C (425F). If not done, cook for another hour, etc.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
== Notes: ==<br />
<br />
# Red cabbage and onion results in grey-black stew.<br />
# When using an entire tube of sausage meat, AT LEAST a whole large cabbage is probably in order, as there should really be more veggies than meat in this.<br />
# Onion and cabbage amount should be similar post-fry, but in theory there's probably supposed to be way more cabage than onions here.<br />
# DON'T ADD PEPPER TO EVERY SEPARATE FRIED THING.<br />
<br />
[[Category:Recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Lemon_squares&diff=4706Recipes/Lemon squares2022-03-02T03:37:15Z<p>Apheori: Okay wow, code style?!</p>
<hr />
<div>=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
* 2 cups all purpose flour<br />
* 1 cup butter<br />
* 0.5 cups powdered sugar<br />
<br />
<br />
* 4 eggs<br />
* 2 cups sugar<br />
* 1 teaspoon baking powder<br />
* 0.5 teaspoon salt<br />
* 5 teaspoons lemon juice<br />
* 1 teaspoon lemon zest<br />
<br />
=== Directions ===<br />
<br />
Heat oven to 350F. Mix thoroughly flour, butter, and powdered sugar. Press into ungreased baking pan, 9x13x2 inches, building up a 0.5 inch edge.<br />
<br />
Bake 20 minutes.<br />
<br />
Beat remaining ingredients about 3 minutes until light and fluffy. Pour over hot crust. Bake about 35 minutes longer (25 for half batch), or just until no imprint remains when touched lightly in centre. Cool and cut into squares.<br />
<br />
[[category:Recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Lemon_squares&diff=4705Recipes/Lemon squares2022-03-02T03:36:32Z<p>Apheori: SPAAAACER</p>
<hr />
<div>=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
* 2 cups all purpose flour<br />
* 1 cup butter<br />
* .5 cups powdered sugar<br />
<br />
<br />
* 4 eggs<br />
* 2 cups sugar<br />
* 1 teaspoon baking powder<br />
* .5 teaspoon salt<br />
* 5 teaspoons lemon juice<br />
* 1 teaspoon lemon zest<br />
<br />
=== Directions ===<br />
<br />
Heat oven to 350F. Mix thoroughly flour, butter, and powdered sugar. Press into ungreased baking pan, 9x13x2 inches, building up a .5 inch edge.<br />
<br />
Bake 20 minutes.<br />
<br />
Beat remaining ingredients about 3 minutes until light and fluffy. Pour over hot crust. Bake about 35 minutes longer (25 for half batch), or just until no imprint remains when touched lightly in centre. Cool and cut into squares.<br />
<br />
[[category:Recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Sirupsnipper&diff=4704Recipes/Sirupsnipper2022-03-02T03:35:36Z<p>Apheori: </p>
<hr />
<div>Crispy thin cookies! <br />
<br />
=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
* 1 cup cream or milk<br />
* 3 cups sugar<br />
* 0.5 cups water<br />
* 0.75 cups butter<br />
<br />
<br />
* 1 tsp pepper<br />
* 1 tsp ginger<br />
* 1 tsp cinnamon<br />
* 1 tsp baking soda<br />
* 5 cups flour<br />
<br />
=== Directions ===<br />
<br />
# Mix top ingredients in a saucepan and bring to a rolling boil. Boil for another two minutes, stirring constantly. Cool.<br />
# Mix remaining ingredients in a mixing bowl, and blend in syrup. Cover or put in bag and let sit for at least a few hours.<br />
<br />
<br />
# Heat oven to 350F.<br />
# Using flour on all surfaces, roll out dough as thin as possible (approaching 1mm); cut out figures. Place on parchment paper or greased baking sheet.<br />
# Bake about five minutes, until golden. Remove immediately.<br />
<br />
== Notes ==<br />
<br />
Makes a few hundred cookies.<br />
<br />
[[Category: Recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Sirupsnipper&diff=4703Recipes/Sirupsnipper2022-03-02T03:34:33Z<p>Apheori: Just a few hundred, not a huge amount...</p>
<hr />
<div>Crispy thin cookies! <br />
<br />
=== Ingredients ===<br />
<br />
* 1 cup cream or milk<br />
* 3 cups sugar<br />
* 0.5 cups water<br />
* 0.75 cups butter<br />
<br />
* 1 tsp pepper<br />
* 1 tsp ginger<br />
* 1 tsp cinnamon<br />
* 1 tsp baking soda<br />
* 5 cups flour<br />
<br />
=== Directions ===<br />
<br />
# Mix top ingredients in a saucepan and bring to a rolling boil. Boil for another two minutes, stirring constantly. Cool.<br />
# Mix remaining ingredients in a mixing bowl, and blend in syrup. Cover or put in bag and let sit for at least a few hours.<br />
<br />
<br />
# Heat oven to 350F.<br />
# Using flour on all surfaces, roll out dough as thin as possible (approaching 1mm); cut out figures. Place on parchment paper or greased baking sheet.<br />
# Bake about five minutes, until golden. Remove immediately.<br />
<br />
== Notes ==<br />
<br />
Makes a few hundred cookies.<br />
<br />
[[Category: Recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Mango_avocado_salad&diff=4702Recipes/Mango avocado salad2022-03-02T03:30:11Z<p>Apheori: added Category:Recipes using HotCat</p>
<hr />
<div>Personer: 4-6<br />
<br />
=== Ingredienser ===<br />
<br />
* 2 mango<br />
* 2 avokado<br />
* 1 rødløk<br />
* 1 neve frisk koriander, hakket<br />
* 1 rød chiki, hakket<br />
* 4 ss olivenolje<br />
* 2 lime, juice<br />
* 1 ts frisk ingefær, finraspet<br />
* Litt salt<br />
<br />
=== Slik gjør du ===<br />
<br />
# Skjær mango, avokado, og løk i biter eller strimler.<br />
# Legg avokado, mango, og løk lagvis på tallerken.<br />
# Rør sammen olje, lime juice, salt, og ingefær og øs med skje over salaten.<br />
# Dryss over chili og hakket koriander avslutningsvis.<br />
<br />
<br />
== Notes ==<br />
<br />
* ss: spisekje, big spoon<br />
* ts: tea spoon<br />
<br />
<br />
:Also I'm pretty sure she's added rucola to it sometimes even though it's not in the recipe.<br />
:(can swap for coriander)<br />
<br />
[[Category:Recipes]]</div>Apheorihttps://wiki.zaori.org/w/index.php?title=Recipes/Mango_avocado_salad&diff=4701Recipes/Mango avocado salad2022-03-02T03:30:04Z<p>Apheori: Is it weird that I can mostly read this?</p>
<hr />
<div>Personer: 4-6<br />
<br />
=== Ingredienser ===<br />
<br />
* 2 mango<br />
* 2 avokado<br />
* 1 rødløk<br />
* 1 neve frisk koriander, hakket<br />
* 1 rød chiki, hakket<br />
* 4 ss olivenolje<br />
* 2 lime, juice<br />
* 1 ts frisk ingefær, finraspet<br />
* Litt salt<br />
<br />
=== Slik gjør du ===<br />
<br />
# Skjær mango, avokado, og løk i biter eller strimler.<br />
# Legg avokado, mango, og løk lagvis på tallerken.<br />
# Rør sammen olje, lime juice, salt, og ingefær og øs med skje over salaten.<br />
# Dryss over chili og hakket koriander avslutningsvis.<br />
<br />
<br />
== Notes ==<br />
<br />
* ss: spisekje, big spoon<br />
* ts: tea spoon<br />
<br />
<br />
:Also I'm pretty sure she's added rucola to it sometimes even though it's not in the recipe.<br />
:(can swap for coriander)</div>Apheori